#main fronters

[meeresbande]

So also a year ago we wrote on the topic of our inner helpers:

I don’t really know how to do this, what the goal should even look like. So far we’ve tried - and failed, of course - to have “perfect” inner helpers, imaginary or idealised helpers who don’t need anything themselves and are always giving and understanding and kind and strong and never need a break.

We don’t really know how else to do this? Inner helpers should have time for themselves and be allowed flaws and weaknesses and needs - but we can’t really imagine how that would work in our system? Idk…

There is a strong feeling of fear of failure, fear of punishment for not being good enough, not perfect enough, not need-less enough or self-less enough…

and it’s pretty clear that that just echoes exactly the impossible demands that were put on us as sort of “family helpers” - always giving, never taking up space, never having needs for ourselves, having to be perfect but without getting any help or support or resources to use for ourselves, being put under extreme pressure...

And we still live with these internalised demands, both when it comes to helping others (friends, the world in general…) or each other. And us main fronters have probably internalised it most, but the inner helpers too. Sigh, this is not easy to deal with…

[marchosias-shrugged]

The difference between me, Ari and Dia explained.

(I have blue eyes, Ari is quite young, and Dia has red eyes but we all look fairly similar.)

I also have the curliest hair which is a lot more evident now that it's long.

I also still look and act the most masc of the three but like, I don't mind that.

[aspdzebra]

Main Fronters

Disclaimer: There are more alters in the system, these are just who fronts the most and who are comfortable being talked about on here. Alter posts are tagged with rogue(name), such as roguecorpse. 

Corpse (host) - married to Jay and Remy. Fictive (not of Corpse Husband, Corpse was a nickname that stuck) and trauma holder. He/they/ei, eim, eirs but will be okay with any pronouns. Host since August 2021. Romantically godspoused to Loki, courting Set platonically. Death witch. 

Jay, he/him - fictive. Other role unknown. Married to Corpse & Remy. Romantically godspoused to Loki, courting Set platonically.

Remy, he/him - fictive, self-care alter. Married to Jay and Corpse.  Romantically godspoused to Loki, courting Set platonically.

(Jay, Corpse and Remy are uncles to Alex & Rubia. Logan is their best friend.)

Sasha - Role unknown, factive. Godspoused romantically to Bastet. Has a cat named Sparkle. Best friends with Cherry. Death witch. 

Cherry, she/her - Role unknown, deity team unknown. Best friends with Sasha.

Salestia - former host. Works with Apollo, Hades, and an Infernal. Platonically courting Anubis. Was the host when we were diagnosed with ASPD/SZPD and when we as a system found out we grew up in a cult. 

Lantana (Lana for short) she/her - Avenger, protector. Factive of Poppy the singer, specifically when she started doing metal music. Baneful cosmic witch. Works with Urania and Astraeus. 

Vara, she/her - Avenger, protector. Works with Themis. 

Vetra - High Priestess for Lucifer, works mostly with him. Demonic alter, demonic protector in system. Thousands of years old. Does not talk about her practice.

Katrine (Kat for short) - former host, was the host when we were diagnosed with DID/OCD/PTSD. High priestess for Loki, works only with him. 

Ariana (Ari for short) - role unknown. Introject of Ariana Grande. Works with Hermes, Hades, Nemesis and the Muses.

River, he/him - trauma holder. Godspoused romantically to Hekate. Godspoused platonically to Set & Esus. Fictive of Laurits from Ragnarok.

Logan, he/him - Adoptive older brother to Alex & Rubia. Fictive, life organizer alter.

Alex & Rubia, she/her - the littles that were in the system, they all aged up into somewhere between 13-18. They clumped into bubbles and the bubbles are named Alex and Rubia. Hundreds of individual alters live in each bubble, the bubbles make it easier to communicate with each other and provide protection. Sisters.

The 18 year olds in Alex are platonically courting Hestia. The 18 year olds in Rubia are romantically courting Heimdallr. 

[whiterabbitsystem]

our anxiety has been overwhelming today so we’re distracting ourselves by making picrews 💘 link

mona, moxie, wyatt, alaska

[meeresbande]

Although actually the thought of buying and eating mushrooms regularly from now on is pretty nice! We should do that as self-care. Like, small steps and such. And of course we can still do other things, but this is something I could think of just now that we can actually just do. Especially if we buy already-cut mushrooms in cans/jars that taste nice so we don’t have to do much preparing. 

[meeresbande]

Are we... allowed? to care for ourselves? (I mean us main fronters) like, specifically, in therapy? and stuff like that? shouldn’t we focus on trauma holders and people who really matter for the system? I mean we’re not even people!!

I feel like we can’t focus on ourselves, and we can’t ask inner helpers to help us deal with our problems (which we aren’t allowed to have I mean), we don’t even usually manage to ask them for help in dealing with other system mate’s problems...

Also, haha, what problems there’s nothing to see here move along citizen nothing to see here...

Plus, we don’t even know... we can’t even think about this? Or what self-care would look like for us? Usually, when we think of self-care, we let others do things they like that we also like them doing. I mean there are some things we definitely like, for example kayaking, but that’s just not something we can do a whole lot of. It requires planning and the weather has to be ok and we have to have enough time and have to go to the river where the boat is and people and and and. It’s not something we can just do when we feel down or stressed. 

Another thing is tumblring, but while we like it, it’s not exactly self-care? Or at least not only. It can get stressful and we deal with heavy topics and we need to limit it or else it turns into something that stresses us more than it helps (the Christophers for example don’t feel this way, they have a slightly different approach to tumblring, too). 

Oh and we like mushrooms but we can’t cook for lack of spoons usually :/ (there should be more mushroomy ready-made-meals why aren’t those a thing. Oh yes, they are, but those aren’t vegan :/)

Watching Star Trek. This is legit the only self-care thing that doesn’t take too many spoons or other stuff?

And that’s it? That’s all I can think of right now that’s self-care-y for us main fronters specifically. 

Or do you think it would be ok to just... let others front and let them do self-care stuff for themselves, and it wouldn’t be focused on us main fronters, but we’d get a break...

(hm, no I don’t think that’s enough actually)

We always feel guilty for taking up so much fronting time... but we are main fronters after all... and we are responsible for making things work and keeping things running in the outside world and also, for keeping things in mind. Others don’t have to worry or think about or remember those things, we do that even if someone else sometimes does some of the tasks. 

So, hm, maybe we should do some self-care-things just for us....

[meeresbande]

I don’t know what things I like and what things I don’t like. Sometimes it seems to take effort to like things. Does that mean I don’t actually like them, I just feel like I *should* like them? For someone else’s sake? idek. Maybe it’s just depression/ dissociation/ being olow on spoons?

- A main fronter

[meeresbande]

We main fronters aren’t as good at dealing with trauma. Or maybe we are relatively good at it, but not good enough. It’s not our main job to deal with trauma, and ideally we should “only” have to deal with our own and only as much of other people’s trauma as we need in order to do our main frontering tasks and stuff. We have lots of things to do already and we also have inner helpers in the system who’s main/only job it is to take care of traumatised people and help them cope and heal. 

But the thing is, we’re co-front-stuck, which means we know what’s going on outside and near the front. We know, for example, what system mates are telling our therapist. We can’t not hear it. We can’t not know, or even really forget (although that might be because we don’t want to). 

So I think we pose a barrier for some in our system to deal with their trauma, especially everyone who’s not a Christopher (we know how to deal with them and their trauma pretty well by now), like girls, women and other children and idk who else. We don’t know all these people or what they’ve been through, which is why we’re scared to face it. The other day, it was pretty hard for me (? one of us main fronters in any case) to deal with the stuff a little girl told our therapist. Like, I cried more than she did (I’m not even sure she cried at all). 

It shouldn’t be like this. We shouldn’t block others from healing. Or from fronting and communicating and learning about the present and that we’re safe and trauma-free now. And we’re not doing it on purpose or out of selfishness. We’re just scared and there’s only so much we can deal with. Main frontering is hard enough most of the time. Our own trauma is far from being dealt with and it affects our very beings and core of what we are, every hour of every day. 

So idk, it would be cool if we could just stop being co-con during therapy sessions. (I wouldn’t like giving up or losing control like this in other circumstances, unless we have someone similarly trustworthy take care of things and making sure we switch back in after a short time). But I don’t think we can do that. We’ve never been able to so far. Which is weird and makes us feel fake, lol. We used to have time loss and blackout etc during trauma times, but apparently unless there’s a real trauma, it’s not happening anymore. Which is pretty cool, most of the time. 

Maybe we can ask our therapist how she deals with stuff? I mean she hears horrible trauma stories all the time, too. But the difference is, besides her having been educated and trained and having supervision, this stuff happened to us. Not to someone else. I mean, other system mates, but still us. 

Anyway, yet another topic to discuss in therapy :( Idek if we’ll have time for this :( It’s important, but so is the other stuff on our list like “how to eat” and “sleep?” and “is Chamaeleon really ok or will he split again?”