#inner helper

[meeresbande]

We tried to figure out our situation wrt inner helpers, now that Chamaeleon isn’t doing that job anymore (he used to be main inner helper and coordinate helping people but his whole system was dysfunctional in some ways and it was too much for him to handle, causing him to split several times). We found someone, Wela, who sort of did it before that, but that was almost 10 years ago and she has a lot of her own issues to deal with first. We hope it’ll work out, because we do need inner helpers but we really don’t want to put Chamaeleon in that situation any more where he feels like he has to be the one to help everyone else. In fact it seems like he needs to stop doing it at all, at least for a while.

I don’t really know how to do this, what the goal should even look like. So far we’ve tried - and failed, of course - to have “perfect” inner helpers, imaginary or idealised helpers who don’t need anything themselves and are always giving and understanding and kind and strong and never need a break.

We don’t really know how else to do this? Inner helpers should have time for themselves and be allowed flaws and weaknesses and needs - but we can’t really imagine how that would work in our system? Idk…

There is a strong feeling of fear of failure, fear of punishment for not being good enough, not perfect enough, not need-less enough or self-less enough…

[meereschristophers]

(This is Chamaeleon talking)

I am so scared. I need to change myself and stuff and the way I do things, the way I live, the way I am here for my system. I need to change everything, or want to, or am expected to? All of that? I mean I have time to do it but I’m scared.

I had to be invisible, totally invisible or hidden or disguised all the time back when we were still in contact with the abusers or contact was still theoretically possible. I never had this moment where I took a deep sigh of relief over being free from them, because it was gradual and the pressure on me changed and got less, but it didn’t lift completely.

So I’m still scared to my imaginary bones whenever I’m visible either to other system mates or our therapist (like today - they asked me to front in therapy and I appreciate that but boy howdy is it haaaard!!!!) or even just think about being visible. It used to be a life-or-death thing, I had to be invisible! As a Spy sort of.

And then I became an inner helper, sort of like a therapist almost? And you’d think spy and therapist are totally different kinds of jobs with virtually no overlap? Well not the way I do them lol.

[meeresbande]

I am not fronting so much anymore. It used to be more frequently a year ago. I do not mind. I think others miss me sometimes. Do outsiders miss me, too?

– Castiel

[meeresbande]

Had to take over at the end of therapy to help us get home as it was one of the main fronters who was in therapy and em wasn’t in a state to make the way on ems own. It must have been pretty hard for them, not sure what happened during the therapy session. It sucks that the next session is a whole week away. Em feels like shit :/

- Jack

[meeresbande]

I'm going through what happened to me again, but I think I'm almost through. It wasn't that much, anyways, since the others did get me out after all. Needless to say, it is very painful, and I am still very much ashamed, and not yet recovered. At least, Eradiel (another system mate) didn't get hurt too badly, apparently. I hope so.

[meeresbande]

Our most important inner helper was attacked by two persecutors during the last couple of days. They hurt him a lot. He says he is "broken" now and he feels guilty and responsible and he feels bad about not being able to do his task anymore. He also worries that he might not get better and never be able to help the rest of us like he used to.

I don't know how we could have let this happen! We didn't notice!

I'm so, so sorry.

To our helper: It was NOT your fault, NONE of it was!

[meeresbande]

Interesting. I seem to be drawn near the front when we drink Johanniskraut/ St. John's wort. It has happened several times now, and although it is not a trigger, not even in the positive sense, it is definitely an effect that I notice strongly. It makes it easier for me to be present. I am an inner helper, and often cannot be present enough to be of much help. So this knowlegde is important to us. Now, we can use St. John's wort whenever someone needs my help, yet I am unable to stay present. I do not fully understand why it is so often so hard for me to do that, or for the others to allow me.

It is fitting though, the connection to this plant. It represents several of my own characteristics, as well. I am glad we have found it.

[meereschristophers]

please! let me help you!

why won't he let me help him? that is my purpose!