#inqueuebation

[doctor-hash]

[doctor-hash]

imagining dr al-hashimi after she calms down and she gets out of her car and takes the bus or subway downtown. she walks around taking in what’s around her. at one point she walks by bar and decides to step in. she finds santos and king singing their hearts out.

[doctor-hash]

i think baran al-hashimi and michael robinavitch are both insecure people. robby is insecure about being needed and in the ED he is needed so if he leaves then what happens then? he has nothing else but his work. al-hashimi is insecure because of her need to feel competent. she over compensates (to the annoyance of her new coworkers and other attending). the fact that her disability decided to flare up on the worst day possible really wrecks her confidence. they both are excellent physicians and good at their jobs yet they both have deeply seeded insecurities that contribute to their behaviors. according to an interview moafi says that baran has put so much of her identity into being a doctor and when that’s threatened she doesn’t know what else there is. i think because of her seizures she was underestimated and felt useless; a lot of disabled people in particular have feelings of being “useless” or “burdens”. if she can throw herself into a career she loves and can succeed she has proven her “worthiness” and that she’s not a burden. in a similar way to robby, without the ED there is no one.

[doctor-hash]

I need someone to tell Al-Hashimi that her disability is not a personal failing. That her worth and value doesn’t come from her success, it’s already inherent. Her epilepsy is a part of her and (likely) always will be… and that’s not a bad thing. Does it suck? Yes. But it’s not a black mark on her as a person. Baran is kind, compassionate, empathetic, thoughtful, intelligent, and skilled. She’s a woman who suffers from deep internalized ableism and needs support from others, hopefully she gets that next season.

[doctor-hash]

“al-hashimi shouldn’t be ashamed of her disability. she’s lived with it for 35 years.”

correct but the longer you’ve dealt with something doesn’t necessarily mean it’s easier to accept. al-hashimi likely developed a negative relationship with her epilepsy when she was a child. remember that her condition was severe enough that she was a candidate for laser ablation. she says that “no one notices” and essentially she [attempts] to hide it. sepideh moafi said that baran has hidden it from the majority of people in her life — even her ex. to me this reads as someone who has deep shame around their disability. baran sees it as something to be “fixed”; that her condition is a personal failure not a disability she has. she likely learn it from her parents/in the home; keep in mind she’s from an immigrant family. in many cultures disability can be seen as taboo. moafi has mentioned that baran’s father treated her differently after her illness. this would stick with her. and shame learned in childhood isn’t easily unlearned.

[doctor-hash]

Welcome to The Pitt!

[A meme with various characters and attributes of the pitt. Right to left: Tiktok expert (Javadi), Guy from a WWI movie (Whittaker), Lesbian situationship (Santos and Garcia), Bad Ass Mom (Dana Evans), Dr. Gets Shot At For Fun (Abbot), Gossip Girlies (Princess and Perlah), Dr. John 'Dunkin' Shen, Dr. Seizures [aka I'm just thoughtful] (Al-Hashimi), Dr. Suicidal (Robby), Free intubations!, turkey sandwiches, outside friends! (the rats)]

[doctor-hash]

when i think of dr al-hashimi i think of this quote by jean-luc picard,

“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose; that is not a weakness, but a part of life.”

dr al-hashimi does everything “right” in relation to her disability. she’s cautious, thinks three steps ahead; girl has back up plans for her back up plans, we can assume she takes good care of herself physically, likely doesn’t drink or smoke, eats well, exercises. she regularly sees her neurologist, and takes her meds daily. yet, it comes back. and on all of the days, it’s the one where she’s starting her new job. of course she is devastated; the hard, cruel reality is sometimes your disability disables you — even if you do all the right things to manage it. even if you’ve managed it for over a year. even if you’re in the prime of your career. even if you’re an amazing, competent, highly compassionate and justice driven physician. and it sucks. in her mind she probably feels like she failed. she’s at this new job and doing everything she can to make a good impression and prove herself as competent then BAM. she has two in one 12 hr shift. obviously, her flare up is not an indication of her abilities as a doctor. but you can assume she feels like an utter failure, worthless. “maybe they’re right.” robby’s words cut deep. my charitable interpretation of his words is that she’s not capable of doing the job at this point and time (not ever) but i’d say what he said hit very old wounds that still haven’t healed.

[doctor-hash]

Imagining a 16 year old Baran having a general seizure at the mosque with her family. It happens during the group prayer. Her father and brothers are sitting closer to her front. She’s in the back with her mother and sister. She falls over and starts seizing. The imam stops the prayer. People turn around to look at her. It lasts about a minute and 30 seconds. Some of the other women around her try to assist and comfort her. Her mother and sister gets up and leaves. Her father ends up being angry at her and blows up at her. Telling her she embarrassed the family for interrupting the prayer. That she brought shame to herself and the family. Amir comments “Great! Now we have to find another mosque to attend.”

Baran sits outside crying. One of the elderly women comes by and talks to her. She tells Baran that Allah merciful and that she was created in his image. He is not angry at her. That she has value. And that can never be taken away. She hugs her.