Internalized Homophobia (4) Masterlist
part one, part two, part three
First to Listen (To Anything I Said) (ao3) - SylvesterLester
Summary: It's 2004, and Dan Howell is screwing up in school. He can't help that he's stuck in boring classes with boring people and just doesn't care. So when Phil Lester, one of the geekiest kids in school, is assigned to be his tutor, he's expecting this to just be another crappy part of his already crappy life.
But when it turns out Phil might be Dan's first real friend, his hormones threaten to screw all that up. Because that's all it is, right? Hormones?
Fix You (ao3) - emodnp
Summary: Dan deals with some painful memories and feelings and has a good and important conversation with Phil.
God, what have you done? (ao3) - gaydreaming
Summary: When Dan bought the sexy nun costume at a random Spirit Halloween in Florida, he meant it as a joke. By the time he leaves the club in Nashville, about two states past where this would have been a good idea, having cried in a bathroom, downed a glass of wine, and experienced one of his most formative nights, it's not really a joke anymore. Something has changed. Something has been awakened.
he is everything, and you are just trying to be something. (ao3) - m0ther_of_p3arl
Summary: There he is. Standing on the platform, waiting for Dan, his hands tucked awkwardly into the pockets of black skinny-jeans.
For a moment, Dan forgets that there are people behind him and he forgets that he has to step off the train and he just stares. Phil looks right back, and his eyes are big and blue and flecked with yellow in a way that could never be accurately represented through a computer screen.
Phil smiles at him, and Dan’s mind short-circuits.
he tastes like you (only sweeter) (ao3) - ghostdnp (ghostdnfie)
Summary: Dan comes up with an idea for he and Phil to get girls' attention at a party, but it turns out neither of them care about the girls.
in this smoking chaos (ao3) - writingcollective
Summary: Dan bottoms for the first time, not being able to shut down his inner demons that whisper internalised homophobic thoughts into his ear. But Phil guides him through it, somehow.
in your jeans, frenzy (ao3) - r1caner
Summary: “What’re you thinking about?” Phil asks.
Dan feels his cheeks go red, hot all the way to his jaw. “Er. Praying,” he says, desperate to avoid telling the truth and telling a lie.
It's quiet uptown (ao3) - Frog910
Summary: Dan is spending Christmas with the Lester's for the first time and is struggling with internalised homophobia.
maybe they were right? (ao3) - K0BR4_K1D
Summary: Dan wakes up to Phil's warm room, Phil's warm bed, Phil's warm heart.
aka. dan wakes up in phil's bed and has a mild anxiety attack
Objects in Mirror (ao3) - gaydreaming
Summary: When Dan is doing some last minute shopping at Herrods, he finds himself drawn to a pretty skirt, and he knows that he shouldn't... then again, why shouldn't he?
On Top of the World (ao3) - dnpangels
Summary: Dan Howell is known at Cedar Creek High School for being the star quarterback and for having dated every girl in the junior year. Phil Lester is known for almost always getting the lead in the school play and being a straight-A student. Dan is popular in the stereotypical way, while Phil is popular within the groups that he chooses to be a part of. Another thing that almost everyone knows is that Dan and Phil are definitely not friends.
An AU in which Dan is the school's quarterback, and Phil is a theater kid.
Purposeful Permanence (ao3) - artbabe
Summary: Dan hates doing his laundry at the university laundromat, so he takes his dirty laundry to Phil's place.
rattlesnake (ao3) - ZackStriker (PyroStormIsBae)
Summary: to the mirror dan says, "i am sorry you got stuck with me," to the birds he says, "do you ever feel like your body is not your body?" to phil he says, "could you maybe sit a little further away from me during this video?"
phil looks at him with equal amounts despair and love. 'this feels right,' dan thinks, 'this is what love should be for me: painful. it’s what i deserve.'
or: a fic juxtaposing 2012's grief with 2024's joy.
Take Me Back to 2009 (ao3) - coldbrewreaper
Summary: 18 & 22-year-old Dan and Phil are transported into a room with their future selves, and they have a sit down conversation.
The Anniversary (ao3) - Anonymous
Summary: It is fifteen years to the day since Dan's suicide attempt, and Phil endeavours to make the day as normal as possible.
there are no words, and there don't have to be. (ao3) - m0ther_of_p3arl
Summary: “Dan, what are we?”
“What do you mean?” Dan asked, almost guiltily. A smile spread across his face, as so often it did when he and Phil were together, but there was an element of something else to it this time. Dan looked scared. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”
“I mean, yeah, but…,” Phil took a moment to gather his thoughts, before pulling himself upright on the bed and gesturing around. “It’s just- you’ve been coming to my house basically every weekend for months now, and every time you’re here, it’s… well, you know.”
Walking through a minefield (ao3) - Should_be_working
Summary: Phil and Dan have been fighting about a leaked video. Dan's scared of people knowing who he is. Phil doesn't know how to help but he tries when Dan can't sleep thinking about it.
what doesn’t kill you makes you weird at intimacy (ao3) - foxtrot_writes
Summary: Dan is kinda weird about being touched.
When the Moon Fell In Love With The Sun (ao3) - deputysean
Summary: 2009 era- skype/msn (pre October 19th)
"A ray of hope, like sunshine escaping the clouds on a stormy day. Phil knew how to warm up Dan’s bad weather in a way he never thought possible."
Just a semi-short fluff fic of Dan falling in love with Phil before meeting in person.
You Can Continue Surviving (ao3) - anne2005
Summary: Dan and Phil are having a good, quiet day, until someone from Dan's past decides to make an appearance. Dan doesn't understand why he just can't get over it.