I shoulda probably gone to the Solvents’ show tonight because I know the band is great and it would be good to make more connections with people who might want posters from me, but I’m so tired.
I tried so hard today, and kind of half-brained everything I did: important talks with my sensei and a very dear friend I haven’t seen in weeks, inking my precious comic, gallery-minding. I’m just burnt and since I said it aloud on the phone I’m realizing, yeah, I think I’m pretty lonely here.
I’m missing having one-on-one time with another being that I’m comfortable enough to relax with, I mean. My social life at the bar and the times that I’ve been up to group hangouts outside of work have been astonishingly great. But my ideal interactions are generally with one person and often follow a formula: (close friend or lover) + (tea or snacks or hookah or beer) + (media or deep talks or quiet creative time or a long wander somewhere cool) = need for companionship satiated.
But also I don’t feel bad about not having those specific interactions for the first time ever? I know I can wait until I find/have access to the right people for deeper friendship? And parties don’t scare me as much? And I don’t need to leave every social event early because I feel alienated? I think I’ve shifted from *brutally shy introvert* to *still shy, perplexingly empathetic extrovert.* I get a charge from many of my interactions with people these days, which is textbook extroversion. But I still experience a fucktonne of social anxiety (which I’m learning to roll with for the most part...developing a rep as a good listener helps, until it hurts when *I* get comfy enough to want to tell a story and I get drowned out.) especially when I’m tired/distracted (unfortunately, with my workload, that’s almost all of the time). And I still need to recharge sometimes (and I relish my alone time a lot more than I used to...my resting state used to be ugh, I hate people so I need to be alone but I’m so restless and I wish someone would reach out to me or I could just go somewhere but I might have to interact AAAHHHHH *PARALYSIS* and now I’m like...yeah, attention is great, but so is lying on my floor looking at tattoos on instagram or reading a book with tea or drawing. I can walk to the corner store for a snack or wander on the beach by myself if I need to, no pressure.) but that’s usually because I still end up feeling other people’s emotions a lot more than most beings have to...and there’s been a lot of sadness/cattiness/frustration going around lately that feels extra toxic and alien to me in my new, dare-I-say carefree state. And that’s weird too-- there’s a lot to worry about to be sure, but I’ve set it aside-- I was never able to do that before. I stress, but only enough to push myself to get things done, and really the only thing I get worked up about enough to cry over is Steven Universe (and that feels soso good, you have no idea. It’s kind of obscene how much I enjoy my StevenBomb catharsis seshes. Lul.). I get pissed off over specific asshole things people do, but I let go really quickly. I get depressed, but it’s different: run-of-the-mill can’t-get-going-today depression, usually on days with no specific structure or plan.
I knew I was still growing after all the huge changes of the last year+, but I can’t really account for all of the leaps that seem to have taken place. I’m very close to being the person I want to be, and it feels indescribably nice to be able to grant myself that. I’m still learning to value my body and work around my various disorders, but that’s a lifelong project I’m sure. I’m asserting myself better but I’m still not where I’d like to be in terms of expressing opinions/boundaries and not being swayed by stupid bullshit, and for that reason I’m now kinda hoping to get moved to the bar for practice rather than stay in the kitchen, but hell...it’ll be sink or swim soon enough.
But anyway, Bethany in August, Desiree in September, Edward in October? It’s hard to wait to see the humans I care about especially since 2/3 are coming in later than expected, but I seem to have developed an even deeper degree of patience and gratitude when it comes to my friends from other places. The stuff that matters doesn’t ever really go away, and there’s nothing wrong with a bit of delayed gratification to make the sweet even sweeter.
Oh, and I formulated some interesting thoughts on the way I make art: first, all of my personal work is an experiment, and it’s how I learn and process. I let an idea flow through me without really knowing what it’ll end up being or if it’ll even work (it’s a happy accident that it *does work* 75% of the time), whereas my comics and illustrative work are done with the end product (and another person’s approval) in mind. I think that’s why I jam so hard on assigned work, but when it comes to my own shit I just kind of meander through a mental collection of mythology and song lyrics, sticking bits on bits as I go and playing with my repetoire of techniques until I learn something from it. Which is something I never really thought about until it popped out of my mouth today as a complete thought. Surprise!
Second, I think I have such an attachment to illustration, figurative art and the idea of tattoo as a (personally satisfying, not simply lucrative or impressive) career because I truly enjoy reimagining derivative shit in a way that feels unique to me. Or you could say that I like getting people to see the same old crap in new ways. I think that’s also why I enjoy looking at clever product design and modding culture and things like screenprinting for inspiration...it’s the endless word- and image- (concept-?) play, the personal stylistic touches an artist can add to something as hackneyed as the tarot, a folk tale, a band t-shirt. I like it when I’m seeing something familiar, but I feel like I’m being let in on its secret meaning. I think many very intelligent creators like to play these games as much as I do: work within the system of culture, discover the odd little bits of it they love and study them, find new ways to juxtapose old symbols, subvert the tropes they love the most...it’s hard to describe I guess, but maybe you get the idea? I’ve been told repeatedly that my work is very genuine and unique, and one woman even told me that it seemed like I was going to change the world, my work was on the very edge of culture in a way that was both uncomfortable and inspiring to her. But I *know* I don’t make anything that hasn’t been made a million times before and yet I’m not overly worried by the thought that I’m hard-pressed to come up with a truly original concept. I just do the same things a little differently, because I have a weird fucking eye and I never managed to find that *one* artist or style I wanted to emulate. It was a curse in the illustration program at school when I didn’t have my own visual language yet and couldn’t find a mentor to use as a starting point for developing a style, but now I think it’s one of my greatest strengths: because there wasn’t any one person for me to look up to, I absorbed a bit of everything I liked and because I’m eclectic, a lot of things I like just don’t go together-- so my style is off-kilter in a way that isn’t quite like anything else. Almost any assignment is fun, because I know I can make it mine just by virtue of *the way I do things*. And because I didn’t figure it out very early, I’m not confined to my own aesthetics: I have enough technical skill to render from life or a photo, or copy a different style when I want to.
Don’t get me wrong, I really love artists who take more conceptual approaches. I adore life/performance/film art, for one. But I feel like the same approach can be taken with those disciplines: take my ex-partner for example. I still really despise him right now, but I think the art pranks and installation projects he told me about when we were together were pure fucking genius. Pop-up robotic mini-golf? Filling your shirt with animal guts and roaming around a hospital? I can’t remember the half of the good ones anymore because I’ve tried to let go of the memories but....aaaagh, they were so good. And yet derivative. Humor or social commentary, after all, can’t happen in a vacuum.
Idk, deep thoughts after a long week. Tired as fuck. Should probably do some work then go to sleep, but I think I’m much more likely to keep derping ‘round and ‘round the butts. The interbutts. Murp.
