When I pursued math it was in the pursuit of truth scrutinized by rigor. There is just something I find so beautiful when it remains true against all odds. When it connects seamlessly across each of its subdomains. The invariances essentially. And tbh I fell in love with it. The truth I craved from life.
Coding is nice because it provided a way to simulate a phenomenon and visualize something that would remain too abstract for public understanding (and maybe my own understanding as well). Building something that only existed in your mind is honestly pretty cool (despite how shitty and ugly it might be lmao). And diving into how it’s built to understand that process itself? The meta? Also very cool.
But at the end of the day these are all just perspectives. I climbed these mountains because I wanted to see the world. And the world looks so beautiful when you look at it from different perspectives. However there comes a point when you must ask yourself, am I losing sight of the world because all I see now is this particular perspective? And by all means if the perspective itself is your world then that’s absolutely wonderful and I’m genuinely happy for you. But for me I feel like I’ve found myself further and further away from my world. My home. The more I go in pursuit of trying to understand my home the more I feel like I’ve strayed further from that home. And it kinda hurts because you feel lost and homeless in a sense. If you had just stayed home in the first place maybe you wouldn’t have felt so lost. But at the same time how can you regret not having stayed? All the experiences and knowledge you’ve gained was inspired by your home. All you wanted was to understand your home, the world, in every way possible. And it made you want to better yourself, expand yourself, so you can see it clearly through all perspectives. So you can understand it as much as possible. So how can you regret not having stayed?
But also it’s like what The Alchemist taught us. Maybe the treasure has been home all this time. You just needed to cross your own mountains and deserts to know and come back home. To what remains true to you. To what is invariant.
