I haven’t felt this way in such a long time.
It can’t have been that long since he felt “this way”. I turn it over in my head, and it’s not attractive, this blowing hot and cold. He’s too old to say things like that, all that awful, untrue gush. But there must be something in all of this for me, this preoccupation with another person’s behaviour.
A week later, I’ve given up suggesting we meet. He’s refused twice in a row and suggested no alternatives. I feel lighter at the thought of not seeing him again. I’m lying in bed texting some other guy.
I haven’t yet realised that it may not be a healthy sign, to get this much enjoyment out of spending the evening alone in my room, texting a guy I’m essentially making up, a character in a story. I lie looking at the ceiling, forcing myself to wait for five minutes before responding. My phone goes. Getting keen, Andrew, double texting me? But it’s not Andrew.
Hey gorgeous, what you doing?
It’s unbearably predictable. When I was making an effort, it was no-go. I shut down, and here he is. I’m writing a story about a new character now. But soon enough familiarity tugs. I dig my heels for half an hour.
Straight away, Julian is typing.
Nothing. Was just watching porn.
Oh what the fuck is that supposed to mean? Some kind of weird provocation, an attempt to assert power? As though I’m already in the bag, conquered, familiar and boring, he’s not even bothering to pretend. I don’ t have the patience for this.
A week passes, and he messages again. Tentative plans to move away have become an itinerary. I only feel a vague excitement at the prospect of total freedom again. I see him twice more. We don’t kiss, we don’t touch, we just sleep in the same bed, this strange sexless dynamic I don’t question. On the last morning, he kisses me, and it’s tepid, unsatisfying, salival. The burst of wanting is there, but not the skill to carry it off. Then he’s gone, and I’m relieved.
What does it mean, when you keep going back to such tedium, such lack of give-back?