I just don’t understand why everyone keeps telling me that I deserve to be happy, encouraging me and saying so many nice things, while my victims have to suffer. And the other one who is probably a victim already but doesn’t know it yet doesn’t grasp the sort of person I am.
The only thing that will help me is punishment. Long-term confinement, isolation from society. I can’t bear people telling me any more that I deserve happiness. I absolutely do not. Years ago, I was blaming someone I loved for distancing herself from me due to the horrible things I’d done. God brought someone else into my life, innocent and in need of companionship, someone exactly like what I imagined I wanted. Yet I took my opportunity to build that person up alongside me and squandered it in my anger issues. I taught him to be afraid, to hate some of my outfits because I had yelled while wearing them, to rely on me for everything rather than becoming an adult.
Then, a few years later, I dragged this person into my disgusting mind because I had some misguided idea that sex would be something to try in life. I ruined his life and our relationship with my selfishness, and now I’m worse. I’ve dragged his name through the mud and made him feel like a second-class citizen in his own home.
If you, reading this, still think I deserve to be happy, please rethink your life. If you read this and wonder why I’m still on the streets, thank you. You’re a sane person. If you could, maybe call the police to get me. It’s been threatened before, and thinking back on my life, it would have saved a lot of people’s terrible experiences with me if he had called the police.
I think I may be beyond reconciliation at this point. Or if I will get some, it’ll have to be AFTER I’ve received my just punishment.
Perhaps I should do what he’s mentioned and talk to my grandmother. Just... I don’t want to make her sad in front of me. How selfish is that? No, maybe I need you guys to encourage me in a different way - the way anons should. Don’t waste your “anon hate” on people who are just trying to find their way in the world. Give it to me, someone who needs the encouragement.
