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Everything in Devine order. We are upgrading. Blessings. . . . #thefuture #itscalling #whenthisisover #iam #ready #allthingsnew #redlipstick💄 #😘 #youknowwhattodo (at New York, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/B-0TfTtpUdE/?igshid=rvxokvzs1b63
you ever fucked up so so so badly that you can truly feel a part of you break inside
get a wriggle on
HA HAAAA HHHHH just want to not fuckng exist right now and all for the pettiest reasons.
this is a really long fucking story and if anyone actually cares you can message me personally because man id probably really like to write everything down for once
so my ex and i are sort of on the track to getting back together after some really fucking intense shit and my heart fucking aches for him like i couldnt imagine my life without him (even though we’ve been separated for 10 months) but anyway to put it simply i would literally rather die than be without him and i do not give two shits about “dont make your happiness rely on other people” because its a bit too fking late for that, so anyway i was the one to ruin the relationship because yeah im a shitty rotten human and i will never forgive myself for what happened and im pretty sure neither will he, but that aside i cant give up my love for him, and clearly he still has some feeling for me left bc we still see each other and man im getting off track, but basically he wants to hurt me like i hurt him and i understand that and yeah what hes doing right now probably doesnt have anything to do with me at all and im just egocentric and think everything involves me and i sometimes i assume he thinks of me as much as i think of him but then i come back to reality and see that what i feel isnt what he feels and ANYWAY my point is that he went to splendour right, and he was supposed to be going with this one friend in particular (lets call him Z) and Z’s girlfriend and other friends of Z. Turns out Z couldnt go for some reason (i forget) but then my ex was still going to go because of course nobody would waste a 300 and somethign dollar ticket for a 3 day festival (((OH AND A SIDE NOTE we jsut went on a fucking holiday together and i paid for the whole thing, like that i dont actually mind because i was doing it as a belated birthday present from when we broke up because i was a shitty girlfriend at the time who was broke and could barely afford the present i got him, but points aside he didnt even want to spend money on travelling to the airport to see me [[even further side note we are a long distance couple]] but now he’s back home he has obviously spent lots of money on this festival ticket, and then would spend money on accommodation, and food and probably give money for petrol to the person who was driving -- and sorry this is all getting so muddled but my thoughts are so crazy atm i cant concentrate, anyway the point isnt that im mad i paid for the holiday, the point is im upset he didnt seem to appreciate me spending $3000 to spend that time with him when every single second was amazing for me. I just feel like if he doesnt enjoy himself, or doesnt want me anymore then he should cut me loose and stop worrying about me. Personally id fucking feel hollow and ready to die so i dont want that to happen, i just want to know what he feels and wants. I think he’s just worried ill do soemthing dumb if he ends it with me, which fair enough i probably will, sometimes i already feel like driving striaght into an oncoming car but the ONLY thing that stops me is that tiny chance we might get back together. -OKAY back to the original story))) so Z’s ticket wasnt being used to obviously striaght away i offer to by it because i have been wanting to go to this festival for years abd years and the people playign are some of my favourite artists and my ex fucking knows that, and given the circumstances clearly he doesnt want to ask if his friend (Z) will sell me the ticket, even though i obviously wouldnt travel with them, so basically i missed out on this amazing experience and on snapchat, even though he’s deleted me i can still see his stories and pretty much 99% of the stories uploaded are ones of my favourite bands, and now i know he likes those bands too, but HE fucking KNOWS i love them, and he knows i am 100% going to look at his stories so i feel like he’s strategically chosen which artists to put on his stories to take a stab at me.... idk if im crazy and getting way too caught up in this, which is probably likely, but i feel so fucking lost and my mind is chaos without him. all it does is make me furious at myself, all this could have been avoided if i wasnt such a fucking piece of shit but here we are.
Whats worse is that on the holiday we had a fantastic time. there were moments he was still mad at me, which was expected, but we had so many moments like we were back together. He knows i adore him and i know he loves that, he even said he’d miss me when i left him at the airport, and he said he wouldnt want to have sex with anyone else, does that not mean something? i want to move to the same state as him as soon as possible but he still hasnt told anyone that he has stayed in contact with me, which makes it really freaking hard to organise moving when he isnt even certain he can face the embarrassment of admitting he still talks to me from time to time.
i dont know what i expect out of all of this, but im just praying i dont feel like i do right now for the rest of my life, because there is no way i can handle this for much longer.
OH and just a little more sorry. some other reasons contributing to the mess which i am is that my work isnt able to stay open due to increase in rent so im about to be jobless after 3 years of working there, also i fucking HATE university, i dont understand anything, everything is overwhelming, my mother and i always end up in screaming matches over nothing. i cant think of one instance where there has been a legitimate reason for either us of to be angry, we just clash completely. and oh yeah i have maybe... 2 friends i like? there was a 3rd but my ex doesnt like me talking to them so of course i had to cut that person out of my life because he takes priority over anyone else. and yeah, i havent felt happy, like actual happiness in so long. i have felt empty, low, apathetic, and for lack of a better word; sad for far too long. its draining everything out of me and makes me question whether anything is worth it.
i wanna be what you want so bad, but i just cant
midnight thoughts
so i was with my dad the other day and he started to ask me to do something but got all shy about it and would say "you don't have to do it" so i was just like omg pls tell me already and then he asked me to pluck his eyebrows because, quote "I don't want to look like johnny howard, the human eyebrow"
182: What's in your pockets?, 146: chocolate or vanilla?, 73 and 72: what did you do today and what are you doing tomorrow?
182: I don’t have any pockets rn
146: chocolate
73: Today, I tried to look for the 2 kittens in the back garden, but they were gone :(74: Tomorrow, I’m gonna look again if they came back. Then go to the doctor.
u r hilarious pls have a good day
thank
