contents: high school!au, friends-to-lovers, kissing your best friend, ryujin has communication problems, i am PROJECTING
warnings: none
synopsis: Sharing your first kiss with your best friend was supposed to be the easiest option. However, you quickly learn that when it comes to Ryujin, nothing is as easy as it should be.
a/n: HI GUYS IM ALIVE 😃 also the beginning of this may or may not be a reflection of what i’m feeling atm hahahahahahahhahahahaha
word count: 2.3k
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
No, it definitely wasn’t supposed to be like this-- this feels awkward, this feels painful, this feels wrong. It feels wrong to be sitting next to your best friend with nothing left to say, with an inch between your fingers that feels both uncomfortably close and terribly far at the same time.
Glancing at Ryujin, you don’t think that she feels the same way. She scrolls through her phone with the hand that isn’t causing you constant anxiety, lips pursed to hold in laughter at something that you don’t know about.
“Hey. Look at this.”
Well, now you know. You give her the chuckle she’s looking for when she shoves her phone in your face, then let your eyes remain on Ryujin’s face as she turns away again.
Class is over, and you scramble out of your chair like the 30 other kids in the classroom, squinting as the sun hits your face.
It’ll be your first walk home together in a while-- your friend has been occupied with drivers’ tests for the past week, though it hasn’t decreased the amount you talk to her by much. Ryujin still can’t drive to school though, as she tells you, because she hasn’t paid for a parking spot.
You don’t really know what to do, though, walking next to her and listening to her rant on about the stupidly hot driving instructor with your hands stuffed in your pockets.
It wasn’t supposed to be like this. The way you stare at her lips as she talks, the way your shoulders accidentally brush up against each other, the way you stifle a laugh at how animated she is, none of that’s new. However, there’s a kind of awkwardness to it all that you’re not used to, and you wonder how Ryujin doesn’t see it.
“You alright?”
“Hm? Oh. I’m fine. Thinking about the essay,” you lie. Thinking about you.
“Oh, me too,” she groans, raising her arms above her head and showing a slight sliver of skin. You avert your eyes. “Can’t believe Park marked me that low.”
“I mean, to be fair, you did miss the entire prompt,” you snicker.
Ryujin shoves you lightly, but the offended grin on her face betrays that she isn’t mad at all. “Fuck you. I swear, that stupid girl in fourth period wouldn’t shut up about how much Park likes her.”
“You think she’s pretty, though.”
She frowns. “I do. That sucks, because she’s kinda a bitch.”
You snort at that, and reach up to cover your mouth. Ryujin gives you a funny look. “You’re acting weird today. Did the essay upset you that bad?”
“No. It’s not the essay,” you sigh.
Turning around to walk backwards, Ryujin tilts her head at you, her hands stuffed into the pockets of her jacket. She had to serve detention at lunch for dying her bangs a bright glossy blonde, but you think it’s more than worth it-- it suits her, though you do say that about everything she changes in her appearance. “Then what?”
You open your mouth to answer, skimming hands and swollen lips flashing through your mind. Yeah, you’re thinking of it again. “It’s fine.”
“Girl troubles? You know I can help you with that, right?” your friend jokes, nudging your side with her elbow.
“You’ve helped me enough already.”
Ryujin squints. “What? I didn’t hear you.”
“Nothing.” You lie again, for what must be the fifth time about the same thing. “Oh, look. It’s my house.”
“So it is.” You come to a stop, letting the sun flicker on your face through the leaves on the tree in front of your house. The girl is unimpressed, but she waves goodbye as you climb the stairs anyway. “I’ll see you at tutoring later?”
You nod, “Sure”, unable to say anything otherwise.
As your hand brushes over the cold metal of your house’s doorknob, a certain mumble of your name crosses your mind again.
You shake it off, and go home.
Ryujin scowls when she realizes that you’re sitting at a singles table in the classroom. She taps your shoulder, smiling slightly when you jump. “Hey. Forgot I was coming today?”
“Yeah, sorry.” You stand up quickly, gathering all your papers and reaching for your bag before you realize that the other girl has already taken it. “Thanks. Not really looking forward to this, if I’m being honest.”
“Who is looking forward to it? Seriously, introduce me to the person who actually likes tutoring,” Ryujin scoffs, and sets your bag down gently at a doubles table. She doesn’t intend on sitting next to anyone but you.
You nod, twirling your pen between your fingers. (You drop it, and Ryujin smiles.) “Are you still coming over after this?”
“Of course,” she frowns. “Why wouldn’t I?”
It looks like you’re going to respond for just a second, but you shake your head and seem to think better of it. “You’re right. We have to watch the new Jisoo movie when it comes out, by the way. Since you can drive,” you smile slightly.
Ryujin nods, and leans back in her chair. She catches the eye of Yeji, who gives her a funny look from where she sits, a few tables in front. “Yeah.”
While the two of you wait for the professor to actually arrive, Ryujin’s eyes travel to the dark, star-studded sky outside the cracked window of the classroom. A slight breeze travels in, enough to make you shiver slightly.
Sighing, she looks away from you. Yeji mouths, “You okay?”
“Fine,” Ryujin responds silently.
She’s not fine, if she’s being honest. You’re barely an inch away from her, the roughness of your jean jacket just barely brushing up against her sweatshirt, but you aren’t looking at her. You don’t ever seem to look straight at her these days, don’t ever seem to meet her gaze.
But Ryujin doesn’t have much time to dwell on it, because tutoring starts, and she has to at least hold a pencil if she wants the professor to think she’s even trying.
She is. She really, really is trying.
Ryujin pushes you up against the wall as soon as the front door clicks shut softly behind you. It’s been a week since you kissed, and it’s so different-- the first time, it was soft, gentle, her hands careful as if she were cupping glass.
Now, it’s almost desperate, like she’s trying to say something by pressing as close to you as she possibly can. Ryujin swallows whatever surprised sigh you almost let out, the tip of her nose brushing up against your cheek as you give in.
Your back is flush against the wall, your hands gripping tightly around her waist as you let her nails dig crescent shapes into the nape of your neck. It’s so dark, and not just because you’ve closed your eyes-- when you push her away and look her again, you can’t see anything but a silhouette. You didn’t get a chance to turn on the lights.
“What’s going on?” she asks, voice slightly raspy.
“You tell me,” you say defensively, crossing your arms and stepping away from the wall. “You kissed me. Again.”
Ryujin lets out an unreadable sigh. “All I did was what you wanted me to. You wanted me to kiss you.”
“No. You did what you wanted to, just now.”
“You’re telling me you didn’t want me to?”
Well, you can’t lie about that. You only swallow, throat mysteriously closed up, and avoid answering the question. “I didn’t say that.”
“Okay. Then what’s going on? You’ve barely texted me more than 10 words all week, and you’re acting weird,” Ryujin frowns. Her hands are clenched into fists in the pockets of her jacket again. “You said it wouldn’t be weird.”
“I did, but it’s not that easy,” you sigh in frustration. You brush past her, flicking the lights in the kitchen on as you press your palms into the ice-cold surface of the countertop.
“You said you didn’t like me anymore, and that’s why I agreed.”
“I don’t,” you say, forcefully. You’re only convincing yourself.
Ryujin’s habitually tapping foot comes to a stop. “I won’t do it again,” she says softly behind you.
“No, I... I want you to,” you scoff, biting down on your lip.
“Well, I won’t, if you keep acting like you never knew me! God, Y/N, we’ve been friends for a few weeks, so I get that I don’t matter to you that much, but still! I kissed you because you said you didn’t like me anymore, and because you wanted to get your first kiss over with.”
“You don’t like me,” you say quietly, bowing your head to stare at your blurry reflection in the counter. “That’s why you agreed. That’s what you said.”
“Yeah, well. Maybe I lied. Maybe I was wrong,” Ryujin admits. Her voice is stuffy, and you think that maybe she’s crying; you can’t bear to lift your head to check. “I’m going to go.”
It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
The metal of the bench digs into your skin. You wish you didn’t wear the skirt to impress the basketball player who doesn’t even look your way, even though Chaeryeong squeezes your hand and assures you that you look good.
She’s nice. You don’t talk to her outside of English class, but she gave you the empty seat next to her, so you suppose that you don’t mind sitting next to her. “Who are you here for?” she asks.
“What?”
“Oh, come on. No one’s here for the game,” Chaeryeong says, as if it’s so obvious. “I’m here for Jisu. Cheerleader.”
“Oh. You guys dating?” you ask, your chin falling into your hand.
“Mhm,” the other girl smiles proudly. She looks nothing short of thrilled to get to say that, and your lips tingle with a certain unforgettable warmth. “So. Who’s your person?”
“Well. We’re not dating, but...”
Chaeryeong guesses, “Ryujin?”
You nod, and she smiles and pats your hand. “You guys are cute together. She looks like she really likes you.”
“Really?”
“Uh-huh.”
The fluorescent lights don’t really do justice to the girl you stare at, but there’s a sheen of sweat that clings to her skin, and a fire that burns in her eyes as she lets the ball slip out of her hands, with a few seconds left in the game.
It swishes through the net, not even close to hitting the rim, and everyone screams. You stand too, despite not relaly understanding why, and you catch Ryujin’s eye. She grins and holds up a victorious fist before crowding into a huddle with her team, and you sigh.
Somehow, you make it to an afterparty. You don’t know whose it is, and you lose track of Chaeryeong as soon as she spots her girlfriend. Like always, you find yourself on one end of a couch, far away from the couple making out at the other end.
“Need me to save you?”
“Please,” you groan before you realize whose hand is held out to you.
Ryujin smiles slightly, and you accept her hand hesitantly. “We need to talk, huh?” you say softly.
The night air hits the skin exposed by your skirt, and you plop down on the even colder concrete ground. Ryujin does too, pulling the elastic out of her ponytail and letting the hair cascade around her shoulders. “How was the game?”
“Good. I was just looking at you, if I’m being honest,” you answer softly.
She eyes you. "So we're being straightforward today?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Ryujin shrugs and sprawls backward onto the turf of the backyard, the green plastic poking up every which way around her. "I just can't figure you out."
"No, I'm the one who can’t figure you out," you frown. "You told me you returned my feelings, and then we kissed, and you said you didn't like me anymore."
"Ever occurred to you that I was lying about that?"
You open your mouth, and then close it, because the answer is no. You didn’t think about that at all. “I’m sorry. I gave mixed signals, I have to admit that,” Ryujin sighs. “I didn’t... I didn’t think you liked me as much as I liked you.”
“Are you serious?” you chuckled in disbelief.
“Shut up, let me talk,” the other girl frowns. “I know what I want. I’m just sorry it took me so long.”
Unable to curb your tongue, you say, “Then tell me what you want.”
Ryujin hesitates at that, but, shifting her gaze away from you, she asks softly, “Have you ever heard that actions speak louder than words?”
You know what’s going to come next, but it still feels different than you expect when you let her fingertips tilt your chin upwards. It feels different, this kiss-- the icy coldness of the ground burns into your skin, and Ryujin’s lips are slightly chapped, and you’re so far apart except for where your lips touch. But then you feel her hand on top of yours, and you dare to move your head so that your noses slot together just a little bit better.
A gasp escapes you when you part, apparently held in by the kiss, and you smile. “I still want you to say it.”
“Fine. I want you... to be my girlfriend. I want you,” Ryujin finishes, then wrinkles her nose when she realizes that your grin has only grown.
You lean in again, but only press a kiss to her forehead. “Yeah. Me too.”
This is what you want. This, pulling back to find a smile that matches yours. This, feeling the butterflies that swarm inside your chest. This, having your lips and hands and heart feel warm even in the cold of some stranger’s backyard.
