#j. posts

[unhinged-recap]

We don't really have amnesia between headmates so that means we usually know each other's business. I was wondering whether that means I have to answer when someone asks me what a headmate has been up to and then came to the realization that headmates are like roommates. Just because you live in the same house doesn't mean you're allowed to tell anybody their business.

[altered-diaries]

Hey, if your system struggles with communication, try speaking out loud with them if you can.

Communication in my system is very sporadic and we usually don't say more than a few words to each other most of the time. I've just started this as an experiment of sorts. This is my second day doing it and I already feel the effect of it.

Personally, I suppress myself out of habit, and speaking aloud (at the risk of sounding crazy to my family) feels like I am allowing myself to be who I am instead of worrying what others think. It feels like a breath of fresh air.

At first my headmates were just kind of staring at me like I was a crazy person too, haha. But then they started warming up to it a bit. I'm actually having short conversations now. Most of the time I'm not sure exactly which headmate I'm talking to, and other times they withdraw and leave me mumbling to myself, but that's okay! Baby steps!

~ a very happy Host

[javascribbles]

This is the story of how I found out I was a system.

The first time there was someone "other" in my head was in mid 2022. I had no idea that DID or OSDD existed back then. I remember thinking,

"Oh my god, my parents were right, I am possessed!"

That first headmate (who had just come out of dormancy) was like gasoline on a fire. I was already in a bad place mentally, and I guess I just sort of broke. I don't remember what triggered me, but all of a sudden it was like I switched personalities and went from a very people-pleaser and kind person to typing about how I wanted the whole world to burn.

This happened on Discord. I'd been texting my friends at the time, and they all got a front row seat to what probably looked like an extreme mental breakdown. Within the span of half an hour I went from agitated and basically saying "I have no idea what's happening, I feel different" to Exe fully fronting and demanding recognition as her own person.

She also didn't know what was going on or who she was, and called herself a "virus" because that's what it felt like. It was as if I had been infected. I was somewhat co-conscious but unable to do anything, and I was panicked, watching my identity fall apart and seeing her intentionally try to sabotage my friend group by saying (probably cruel) things.

My friends took it really well, and I'm still grateful for that. They were just as confused as I was, though. Exe was consistently co-con or fronting with me for at least a full week after that. I was blindly feeling my way around, and I called her a "persona" and honestly, we did not get along well.

Sometime after this, a second headmate came to light. Her name was Julia, and her coming out of dormancy was much more peaceful. She was gentle but firm, taking over things for me when I couldn't muster up the energy.

Then there was a good chunk of time after that- six months or more- where I was clueless and confused. I did eventually begin looking things up, and while what I was experiencing kind of matched up with DID, I wasn't having any amnesia, which seemed like the deal breaker to me. A couple months went by where I was scared, thinking that I had somehow made everything up.

Exe was fronting forcibly often and her personality and preferences began to affect mine to the point where I couldn't distinguish my feelings and emotions from hers. This was when- and why, I would later realize- I decided to break up with my boyfriend. (That's another story for another time.)

One day on Discord I wound up talking to someone with DID and tentatively asked if there was a way I had "half DID" and they suggested looking up OSDD. I did, and I almost cried with relief. Everything was checking out. I was able to find answers to my questions.

I fell down a rabbit hole of reading articles and listening to psychologists break down what DID and OSDD were, and watching Youtube videos about people with the disorder. Things started to make sense. I could look back at my childhood and find the moment where Exe was first formed, where she fronted for well over a year and completely locked me out, followed by Julia doing the same thing to both of us the year after that as we struggled to cope.

I did experience amnesia back then, so when they went dormant and I got frontstuck, I didn't feel like anything was off and went about living my life until Exe practically exploded out of dormancy and back into the front space.

Simply existing is still a massive struggle, but we've come SO far since then. Writing this down has made me see that.

[unhinged-recap]

To the fear of "am I making my headmates up":

Well, you can't be. Why does that alter over there love sunflowers when you don't really care about them? She even has a dress with sunflowers and daisies on it.

Why and how do you know that, hmm?

[unhinged-recap]

I took a shower without having music playing in the background. Figured it would be nice to be alone with my thoughts for once. HUGE mistake. I had completely forgotten about the voices.

[unhinged-recap]

I think our system can be described as a spectrum. Sometimes we're more fused/working as a team and other times we feel very seperated and individual. I don't know how this happens but when we're working together it feels like we're all holding hands and it's a very warm and cozy feeling

[unhinged-recap]

Soft-launching my plurality to my parents with no intention of actually coming out with it:

"Oh yeah it's like I was a totally different person just then"

"This isn't something I would ever do"

"It felt like I was a different person"

"Yeah it's like I'm me but also someone else"