#janelledarling

[janelledarling]

You know how you just have this deep-seated connection to some people? Like it might not be in love like 'I'm in love with you' love (even though it might have been like that at some point) but you are connected and the shit just does not go away?

It's been over 13 years for me.

We talked 24/7 and we would go our separate ways for a bit and when we would talk again it'd be as though time wasn't an issue and we'd pick up right where we left off. Even after all these years, I'm still concerned for their wellbeing. I think of them often and clearly it's the same on their end cause they hit me up every so often. Even though they are being left on read (and no lie this shit is killing me). I want soooo bad to see how they are. If they are OK. Let them know I wish them all the best in life and nothing but success even if that life doesn't include me. But I know if I even say Hi it's going to open the flood gates of a number of emotions I'm not trying to experience.

I can honestly say I don't want anything more than to make sure their alright. I'm not interested in a relationship of any kind. But I know if I open that door even in the slightest crack it will lead to something I may not be prepared for or even think is a possibility so opening the door could have me where I don't want or need to be.

And as much I think I should sever the tie, I can't bring myself to do it. I think it's easier to fathom breaking the tie if they wronged me or something. But they never have. They have literally always been concerned about what is best for me and the boys. If ever I needed anything or needed to vent they were there.

Logically I know I'm in the place I'm supposed to be surrounded by the people I'm supposed to be with, and the grass ain't greener over there because my heart went where it was supposed to be all those years ago.

I guess what I'm trying to say is be careful who you're out here giving pieces of yourself to.

Soul ties are real.

[janelledarling]

OK LISTEN

I just binged all of Euphoria and a few things:

1. I luhhhh me some Fezco. Like whewwww! 🥵🤲🏽

2. Ashtray is an angel and needs to be protected at all costs.

3. I'm ready for season 2. Immediately.

[janelledarling]

Growth is saying "Ok" when you KNOW you got a paragraph or two in you.

[janelledarling]

Jonah hates getting his hair combed but wants to leave it long... soooo he just got his first protective style by me lol knotless twists au natural 😬🤷🏽‍♀️ I think I did a pretty good job and he keeps twirling so they spin so I think he likes them too lol.

But here's how we got here! He kept trying to put off wash day (like mother like son) since we're in quarantine talkin about 'I mean no one is gonna see me' (even tho he is right) I mean ok but who is going to be stuck detangling the shit in a whole ass month+ when we can finally leave the house? Not my black ass. So let's get it together while we can still manage to do so.

This might be a regular thing. Let's see how long it lasts.

[janelledarling]

My Work Thus Far

Erik ‘Killmonger’ Stevens

Sink or Swim, Sis. 

Coming Together.

[janelledarling]

Y'all... my dad had a birthday cook-out for me tonight, but only invited all of his friends???? These niggas got drunk as fuck. Liiiikkkkkeeeeee sloppy drunk. On a fucking Wednesday. Like we all dont have 9-5's and dont have to be up early af in the morning???? This one dude passed out in my parents front yard. I- .... I dont understand.

[janelledarling]

The "fight or flight" impulse is real as fuck. Is this a trauma response?

[janelledarling]

You know what sucks?

(And this is going to sound ridiculously selfish but it is what it is.)

Taking care of someone sicker than you when you are also sick.

You don't get the time to recover for yourself because you're too busy making sure they are completely cared for. I have a journal I'm using to keep track of the symptoms that they are experiencing, when they took their meds, what meds were taken, etc. I'm making sure everything is disinfected, everyone is eating and staying hydrated. I'm the healthiest sick person in this house, but I'm still sick too. I need to recover also. I need rest also. I've only been getting 4 hours of sleep a night because not one single person in this house can make it through the night at this time without either a fever, meds needing administered, uncontrollable coughing or needing a bath to try and break said fever. I'm exhausted. I'm wheezing like the Wheezy toy on Toy Story when I cough. My chest is rattling when I exhale. I have to use my CPAP machine through the day sometimes when my lungs need some extra help not just during the night for my SA. My body is sore. I can't taste or smell anything. Sprite is like fuzzy nothing right now. It's all just a lot.

We are in an immuno-compromised home and we have followed every single precaution. We are avid mask wearers. We wash our hands. We we use click-list or have our groceries delivered. I work from home. Other than picking up groceries and picking my children up from their visitations with their father. We don't leave the house. Yet, here we all are with COVID. How did we get here you ask? Well, shitty story! Just because we followed all the protocols to ensure the safety of our home and others, didn't mean everyone else is doing the same. My children were exposed at their weekday visitation (a literal 2 hour window) by their father. Not only did he not inform me that he was feeling under the weather. He got tested 3 days later and low and behold, was positive for COVID-19. We immediately scheduled tests for all of us, all of which were initially Negative. $140 a piece. We started showing symptoms that same day. The Doctor said they feared they might be testing too early and to come back and re-test 3 days later (and pay the additional $140 per person). After going back to re-test my youngest who started showing symptoms first, he then (as expected) tested Positive. The rest of us started showing symptoms the following day. So now we're here! The whole house is infected. The children have been slowly on the mend. The adults are struggling. I wouldn't wish this shit on anyone. For me (it's effecting all of us differently) it's like a combo of pneumonia, the flu, and a horrible cold. If you pray, please pray for healing and strength for my household. If you don't, I'll take a strong order of good vibes, good juju, good whatever you call it to get us through this healthy, happy, and at 100%.

Thanks for your time. Happy New Year!

TLDR; I'm the healthiest sick person in this house, but I'm still sick too. I'm taking care of everyone and unable to take care of myself adequately. I'm exhausted. Wear a mask. Wash your hands. And if you aren't feeling 100% even if you think it's the fucking sniffles, keep your ass at home and don't go visit with anyone.