‘Standing at the door to the home that could have been hers, Ryan couldn’t help the resentment she felt boiling up inside her. She never felt more without belonging than in this moment. Until a warm hand uncurled her fists and slipped fingers between her own, like an anchor in the most tumultuous waters.’
Chapter 2 - Belonging - AO3
‘You’re not Kate Kane.’
The words had reverberated around Ryan’s mind the entire day. Ever since the old man at the Wayne Enterprises board meeting spat them at her she couldn’t get them out of her head.
She wasn’t Kate, and although she revered the other woman, she didn’t want to be someone she wasn’t. Yet sometimes, with Kate Kane’s things all around her - her loft, bar, suit, friends…lover- it was difficult to see where Kate ended, and she began.
It was a strange thing to be both blessed and cursed by the same thing. Without Kate her life would lack the meaning it had now, yet with Kate as her predecessor her shadow would always lurk and stalk her every choice.
Surprisingly, making Batwoman her own was the easiest part to tackle of her Kate-enriched life. Very quickly Ryan learnt that she could not squeeze into the Batwoman that Kate was.
However, it was the ‘Ryan’ part of her life she found difficult to make sense of.
Maybe that was why she agreed to Jada’s dinner despite the total disappointment the woman who had given her life was. She was yearning for somewhere to call home, where she wouldn’t be reminded that it was once someone else’s. If Ryan sometimes heard a phantom clock in the back of her mind, reminding her that what was given would also be taken away, she chose to ignore it and make the most of what she had now.
‘You’re right, I’m not Kate Kane. What I am is a survivor and fighter, I survived growing up in a broken foster care system because I had no one who wanted me to belong to them. I survived an 18-month prison sentence for something I didn’t do and all the horrors a life of someone on the fringes of society that no one ever cares lives or dies. With all of that I fought to pick myself up and landed in this position and I fight to prove myself every day.
I am Ryan Wilder, a 26-year-old woman from downtown Gotham, I’m the very person the founders of this company set out to help, and if you want to uphold the Wayne legacy then you need to stop seeing me as an unworthy replacement and start seeing me as a hope fulfilled.’
Ryan knew who she was, and yet, as she knocked on Sophie Moore’s door, picking her up for Jada’s dinner, electricity coursed through her body, from top to bottom, leaving her jittery. She bounced from foot to foot and didn’t know where to keep her hands.
Hip, clutch, jumpsuit, hair, repeat.
She was nervous in a way that surprised her.
However, Jada didn’t really make her nervous anymore, more angry. Ever since her rejection something red-hot and sizzling had been brewing inside her. It made her ball up her fists, not hike up her cleavage to the top of her jumpsuit, nor twist at the curls in her hair to make sure not a single strand was out of place.
And when familiar long legs appeared at the door, and her eyes drank in the sight of Sophie Moore, she quickly abandoned all thoughts of anything.
“Wow,” she said, not at all attempting to hide her appreciation of the other woman.
If someone had told her only a few months ago that Sophie Moore, the Crow, could rouse anything akin to pleasant she would have laughed hysterically.
It was entirely implausible, and yet, Sophie made her feel something more than pleasant… especially in her orange getup, looking like a supermodel ready for the runway, rather than a friend accompanying another friend to a dinner.
“Hey,” Sophie breathed, in that almost awestruck way she had about her as of late.
Ryan felt the smile Sophie’s mere presence always seemed to draw out of her. The smile was a warm sensation that started at the base of her chest and spread through every cell in her body until it pulled at her cheeks and eyes.
Again, her eyes roved over Sophie unabashed, the taller woman always wowed but tonight there appeared to be extra effort and Ryan was weak but to appreciate it.
Friends could admire other friends… right?
Sophie was a highly attractive woman, and she would have to be Stevie Wonder blind not to see it, Ryan reasoned with herself.
“Damn, Soph. You said I looked like a snack earlier but you’re the whole buffet tonight girl…” Ryan charmed.
Flirting was their new thing now, she would never admit it to anyone, especially to Luke after he called her out on it, but since it had started, Ryan couldn’t seem to stop it.
“…You’re really looking like that for Jada?”
Sophie bit her lip trying to suppress a smile. Ryan expected a friendly jesting quip back like usual, but this time, no playful expression pulled at Sophie’s cheeks, and instead, amber eyes turned dark, with a glint of something challenging shining in them.
The jitteriness of earlier returned in the few beats of stillness, and for reasons unknown to herself, Ryan’s stomach fluttered.
“I’m look like this for you,” she answered, voice low and not a trace of joking in her tone.
For the first time, maybe ever, Ryan was rendered speechless. Unable to comprehend the meaning of gentle words, her mouth opened and closed wordlessly.
“You…” She attempted.
For the life of her, under the intense scrutiny of a dark gaze, Ryan couldn’t think of a single witty thing to say in response.
Sophie’s almost coy smile morphed into a smirk, and the shorter woman found herself itching to wipe it away, and despite herself, Ryan’s eyes were drawn to plump lips in a decidedly non-friendly way.
“I-” Again, her voice failed her, especially as thoughts of the last time Sophie dressed for someone reminded Ryan of the one person she did not want to be thinking about in that moment.
Of all the things that were from Kate Kane’s life, she wanted this one thing without any association to the other woman.
Something in the air around them changed. It felt heavy and charged and Ryan couldn’t find the strength to look away from Sophie’s expectant gaze.
“Ryan Wilder tongue-tied, I never thought I’d see the day.”
A searing blush raised its way from her neck to her cheeks, and Ryan felt so off kilter that all she could do was panic and pray for a saving grace to rescue her from any further embarrassment.
Suddenly, Alice appeared from behind Sophie and Ryan actually found herself pleased to see her.
“I’m sure it won’t be the last time,” the blonde interrupted with a Cheshire grin pulling at her cheeks, and eyeing them both like she had caught them doing something they weren’t supposed to be doing.
Ryan would be lying if she said she didn’t feel like she was.
“Alice, what do you want?” Sophie groaned.
“Nothing much roomie, just to tell you wild kids to not do anything I wouldn’t do, and Ry-Ry here to have you back before dark,” she teased.
“Ha! Very funny,” Sophie said rolling her eyes.
The tension between them had been split apart with Alice’s appearance and finally, Ryan found her voice.
Repressing all panic, and thoughts of unpacking exactly where that panic stemmed from, she answered. “Don’t worry Alice, I’ll be the perfect gentlewoman and have your roomie back in a timely manner.”
Sophie rolled her eyes again, although more playfully this time.
“Don’t encourage her, she’s already getting waaay too comfortable.”
“Well, I have a feeling that Jada’s dinner will be more a madhouse than living with Alice,” Ryan replied heading to the car.
They fell into familiar easy conversation after that, so much so, they were at Jada’s mansion before Ryan was entirely ready.
Standing at the door to the home that could have been hers, Ryan couldn’t help the resentment she felt boiling up inside her. She never felt more without belonging than in this moment. Until a warm hand uncurled her fists and slipped fingers between her own, like an anchor in the most tumultuous waters.
“You know, despite whatever happens on the other side of that door tonight, I’ve got your back… you told me you always wanted someone to belong to, and someone to belong to you, well I want you to know that Jada isn’t the only one you can look to for belonging.”
There was a gravity to her tone that made Ryan release a tremoring breath. The words were such a surprise considering where their relationship had started and something in Ryan began to shift. Sophie made her feel at ease, and she found strength in her soft touch, and more than that, found home in her tender gaze. It was strange that she felt more belonging in amber eyes than the black ones identical to her own.
Sophie proved just how much she meant her words with her meeting of Jada, by ensuring Ryan didn’t have a moment to feel like the foster kid not allowed to sit on anything.
“...I see you brought a friend.”
“Girlfriend, actually.”
Despite the confession barely 5 minutes before, Sophie still surprised her. The lengths the older woman would go to, not just for her as Batwoman, the symbol that once belonged to her first love, but for her as Ryan, made her heart yearn for Sophie in a way she never expected.
As the night went on, dancing between lies and truth, the lines of friendship blurred. Ryan jumped in front of a hurtling knife for Sophie, and Sophie shielded her from harm, and together they worked as seamlessly as if they had been doing it for years; something she didn’t even have with Luke.
Despite all the craziness of the Jet family and Professor Pyg, Ryan found herself reaching for Sophie, and Sophie was always ready to receive. Her soft gaze held something Ryan was afraid to acknowledge.
However, by the end of the night, gazing down at the gentle expression on Sophie’s face, and placing a blanket around her in gesture so tender and natural Ryan barely noticed she did it, she came to a elating realisation.
“Great first date huh?”
Sophie’s tone was joking, but Ryan saw under all of it; added up the lingering looks she felt from across a room, noted how Sophie went out of the way to make sure she was ok, and was always willing to help at a moment’s notice.
Ryan had previously thought that Sophie was just trying to be a good friend, and maybe she was to begin with, but now, the hopeful expression etched across her features as she watched Ryan expectantly was like a dousing of ice-cold water over Ryan’s bubble of wilful obliviousness.
Her eyes flickered down Ryan’s body and the realisation was like a slap across the face.
Sophie was actually attracted to her.
It simultaneously made all the sense in the world and no sense at all.
Her stomach fluttered and she could not fight the giddiness that rose from her stomach and erupted in a smile.
“It was definitely memorable,” she answered, turning away, unable to stand in Sophie’s presence for fear of leaping down the steps and capturing her lips with her own.
However, the realisation that shook her was that of her own feelings.
She didn’t know when it happened - perhaps when Sophie kept a dying woman company with no questions asked, or maybe when she pushed the button that saved her life… or just maybe, one of the many times she believed and encouraged her, especially when Ryan herself did not - but somehow, Sophie had wormed her way into her heart at a frightening pace, and with an even more alarming intensity.
Yet, with each step away from her, an awful feeling of dread settled in Ryan’s stomach.
She cared about Sophie beyond friendship and that she could not reconcile within herself… especially when all she could think of, in that moment, was the torturous image of Sophie running into Kate Kane’s arms again.
The clock that taunted her with the idea she was living on borrowed time, ticked louder than it ever had before.
Beyond all else, Ryan feared falling into a Kate-sized hole in Sophie’s heart, and that was more devastating than if no one else ever saw her as nothing more than a failed Kate Kane stand-in.
Attraction was one thing, but love¸ the thing she was certain was blossoming in her own heart, that was another thing entirely.
Those thoughts overwhelmed her and turned her every muscle tense; and giddy feelings turned to ice cold terror.
