#jazzink

[jazzzzzzhands]

🌻🌼🌺All the flowers, they would sit and talk to me for hours🌺🌼🌻

[jazzzzzzhands]

After the show ends

And the lights dim.

After the audience leaves

And the music and colors fade away..

Who am I?

After the performance,

What is left?

Just rambling down here

But this is a feeling I've been battling with for a long time now, and I'm still working on it!

But at work, I seem to know who I am, I have confidence and personality! I enjoy myself!

But at home.. I just feel .. empty

Like I lose my sense of identity. I don't know how to be me, around me!

Hobbies feel bland and like too much effort. I tend to switch between gaming and reading and mostly brain rotting on YouTube.

I honestly don't know what I would do without my therapist. He helps me feel not so bad. He says I'm in my incubation period and I seek rest and simple things due to my long burnout and brush with manic episodes.

I just miss feeling excited about art. About things. I miss stimming with joy. Everything is just quieter now, calmer.

I have mixed feelings about the home. I love home, it's my place of comfort and rest. I hate Home. It's my box. My cage. My tower.

I'm just still figuring out things. The marker doodles have been helping. Even if nobody else cares about them. Reading has been nice. I'm trying to absorb it's flowery language. Puzzle games are fun for a bit. But God, do I have a short attention span. Took me weeks to get in this art!

But I felt like it needed to be done, I must get this feeling on paper. "If my hands are not doing, creating, fixing, are they even worth anything?" "If I'm not thinking anything, am I even a real person? An I alive? "

I am a being that struggles with rest, and yet I'm trying to be content in it. And I do default to rest and it frustrates me that I do!!!

Anyways this feels like such an odd and bizarre feeling that I never really hear anybody talk about or see it expressed. So let me know if you struggle with this and what you do to cope!

[jazzzzzzhands]

Inktober 2023 Yr 8. Day 1: Dream

I had a dream when I began working on the Playfellow Exhibition. Wally Darling was sitting at the foot of my bed with a rotary phone in front of him, ringing away. It looked just like the little toy phone we were restoring for the exhibit. It kept ringing. Wally stared at me like he was waiting for me to pick up the phone. Just staring, unblinking. The phone ringing and ringing. I couldn't move. I couldn't figure out how to move and pick up the phone. He kept waiting. I couldn't pick up the phone.

[jazzzzzzhands]

Inktober 2023 Yr 8. Day 12: Spicey Feels like a real family dinner..

[jazzzzzzhands]

Inktober 2023 Year 8 Day 28: Taste

More Chef Wally!! His hair is so much fun! So glossy!! Looks like liquorice :9

[jazzzzzzhands]

Inktober 2023 Year 8 Day 24: Mix The style of the WH cookbook looks like Inktober style!! So I just HAD to try it out! Chef Wally, my beloved I may or may not be planning on more of this :3c

[jazzzzzzhands]

Inktober 2023 Yr 8. Day 21: Smile

I confess i did this soooo long ago and i never posted it but im running out of time, so i can't afford NOT to use it! I swear I will draw him more Goober next time!!

[jazzzzzzhands]

Inktober 2023 Yr 8. Day 5: Map Which path will you take? In the end, You will come to Me