For the ways to say I love you, could I request 14 for Jeddy? :)
Can I have this dance?
It had been almost a month now, James thought. Two and a half weeks since they’d spoken. Since they’d snuck out after hours. Since he’d even received one of those blinding smiles he loved so much. Loves. He still loves them, even if they’ve stopped coming.
A whole month. Frankly, James isn’t sure how he’s survived this long. How does one survive when ever day feels like the end of the world?
He supposed it helped that summer had arrived. He wasn’t forced to gaze longingly over breakfast, or bump into in the hallways or stare at in class. It was a change in setting. A change in setting in which he could be alone with his… nothing. No sound except maybe his wiz-radio playing softly in the background. It seemed to be the only thing he could stand these days.
James pressed his face deeper into his pillow, letting the soft song, a new one he thinks, wash over him in waves, barely registering he’s there. He stares at the wall because his eyes have nothing better to do. He can’t close them. Closing them gives free reign to his mind and he can’t have that. Not with unlimited images of him available to its disposal. So he stares and he half listens but, mostly, his heart hurts. And he lets it hurt.
Because what else is there to do?
He’d tried. He’d tried so hard and it had be so, excruciatingly wonderful for so long and then… what? Had Teddy changed his mind? No, he hadn’t said that. He’d been scared.
James closes his eyes tightly, unable to keep them open against the burn from lack of moisture, and suddenly he’s there again. He’s back in the library, he’s back watching Teddy’s conflicted face. He’s suddenly walking out again, hoping desperately that Teddy would follow him. But he hadn’t.
Teddy had been scared of something they could have stopped fearing years ago. Because they were older now. Yes, it had been unsteady at first but, in the end, over time, they’d had the room they needed. They’d been able to grow he and he into them and it was perfect. James hadn’t known happiness like that existed and then Teddy-
The hiding. The sneaking around, the worry. James sat up suddenly, pushing his face into his hands, feeling the sudden urge to move, to shake off this horrible, horrible ache. God, something had happened to Teddy and James didn’t know what. Something had happened to them. James didn’t know.
He wanted to cry, but all his body would reward him with was a painful lump in his throat that seemed to be his constant companion these days. He dug his thumbs into his temples, desperate for relief, for feeling, for anything but this.
The soft snick of his door opening made his head jerk upwards. He’d told his dad to stay away for now, that he would be fine, it was fine it was all fine-
James let a small noise out, surprised more than anything, longing more than that.
Teddy stood frozen, only just visible through the opening, hand poised on the handle. He looked lean and rumpled and tall and like summer. Only his hair had gone dark. James frowned at him. He’d never seen Teddy with dark hair. Always blonde accompanied by some streak of color. The chestnut strands he saw now arose dread and a small spark of hope within his chest.
Maybe he misses you too.
Teddy’s mouth was slightly open, as if he was surprised to find James in his own bedroom. His eyes flitted away from James then back once and he cleared his throat, “Um. Hi. Hello.”
James just stared at him, not trusting himself to speak.
Teddy let out a shaky breath, teeth worrying over his lip for a moment, “Right. I’d like- I’d like to come in, if I could.”
It was James’ turn to open and close his mouth a few times. He cleared his throat, desperate to rid it of the threat of emotion, and pulled his knees to his chest, looking away, “Fine.”
He heard Teddy let out a breath and him step in, closing the door. From the corner of his eye, James saw him lean his forehead against it momentarily.
Teddy hesitated, hands stuffing into his pockets, then un-stuffing, then leaning down to pick up a stray sock and dropping it into the hamper before, finally, sitting directly across from James.
“Please look at me.”
“Why should I?”
“Because I need you to.”
Teddy’s voice was honest and soft and James couldn’t help but find the eyes that he knew would match the sentiment.
James felt his resolve crumbling under that gaze. “Well?” He choked out.
James pressed his lips together, brows pulling low over his eyes, “Would it be acceptable for me to simply tell you I’m a stupid fuck up of a boyfriend?”
“No.” James swallowed, “Well, yes.”
Teddy didn’t hesitate, “I’m a stupid fuck up of a boyfriend.”
James looked down to his hands, “Oh, is that all?”
“No.” Teddy’s hands were over his before James could flinch away and, honestly, he wasn’t sure he would’ve had the strength to anyhow, “James.”
James raised his eyes again, momentarily watching Teddy’s throat work around his nervous swallow before finding his eyes again. His skin looked paler against his hair.
“James, I…”
James closed his eyes. If Teddy said his name like that one more time…
There were a few beats of silence, and then, “Isn’t this your favorite?”
James opened one eye, then the other, and was about to ask Teddy what the hell he was on about when he listened, actually listened, to the radio that he’d nearly forgotten was there.
And yes. James felt butterflies roll in his stomach, fluttering against his ribs. Yes, this was his favorite. It was a slow, minimal song. Guitar and not much else.
Teddy didn’t need confirmation. He hadn’t even really needed to ask. James knew this. Instead of inquiring a further answer, Teddy stood, offering his hand out to James who looked at it, then looked at him incredulously.
“What, is that tradition over too?”
James’ eyes hardened, “If you recall, I never wanted anything to be over.”
Teddy sighed harshly, “I’m trying to make it up to you. Please, I don’t know how to do this, you know I’m shit with words, I-“ Teddy closed his eyes briefly, letting his hand drop, “I feel like your a thousand miles away and I can’t- I can’t stand-“ He huffed again and held out his open palm, “Please.”
James rolled his eyes, standing with his fists clenched at his sides. “Oh, so you’ll dance with me, alone, in my bedroom, but you won’t even look at me at school? I’m sure that’s healthy.“
“James-“
“Real upstanding model of a relationship-“
His breath was knocked out of him as he was suddenly pulled forward by the waist, hips pressing to Teddy’s, warm palms on his cheeks and a persistent, heavenly mouth over his.
James let himself be kissed for a few moments, too surprised to do much. He didn’t know what to think. Teddy was here, kissing him, rather desperately might he add, and he didn’t know quite what to make of it. Was all forgiven? Did Teddy expect this to make things better?
“T.” James said against Teddy’s lips, “Teddy.” He needed to pull away, they needed to talk about this, although his hands unconsciously made their own way to wind through Teddy’s hair.
Teddy kissed him for a last moment, a hard, closed mouth press, before he let off, both boys huffing out a shaky breath.
“I’d dance with you anywhere.” Teddy breathed.
James looked up at him, “What?”
Teddy’s fingers trailed over his cheeks, palm cupping the back of his neck, “I’d dance with you anywhere. I’d kiss you anywhere. Anywhere, James. It took me not having the option to kiss you at all for me to realize, and for that I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” His thumb stroked over the soft hairs at the back of James’ neck and James felt like he was entranced, like he couldn’t move, like he’d never be able to stop looking at this boy before him ever again. He wasn’t sure he ever wanted to stop anyhow. Teddy shook his head a little, “I’m sorry. But I do know now. Anywhere, James. I’ll be with you anywhere and I’ll be bloody proud to be. Fuck, I’ll stand up on the Gryffindor table, in front of the entire school, and say ‘Can I have this dance’ if that’s what you want-“
“Jesus,” James let out a laugh, or maybe it was a cry, “Jesus, shut up.” He wound his fingers tighter in Teddy’s hair and kissed him, kissed him like he wasn’t able to before, and like he might never stop kissing him.
“I really will-“ Teddy said between kisses, “Anything. Anything, James-“
“Shut up.” James said over the lump in his throat, laughing, crying, and kissing Teddy senseless, “God, you fucking—God, I love you.”
Teddy just kissed him again, his own ‘I love you’ in each touch.