I did this out of motivation and also because there are very little Käärijä/Jere stories. Also, with Eurovision taking place right now, I thought of writing him. Sorry for any mistakes!
(*￣▽￣)ノ~~ ♪
Words: 831
Fluff, little angst, comfort
Käärijä Masterlist
Reveal
You look around the apartment and see your wedding photo. You and Jere got married in 2023 after he performed in Eurovision.
Jere is a kind, funny, and very loving husband. However, after he became famous with his song ‘Cha Cha Cha’, it was rare to see him in person.
You had stayed in your shared apartment while he traveled around Europe in his tour bus. You supported and encouraged Jere to continue his music career.
However, you must admit, sometimes you wonder if Jere is happy with your marriage. You saw how he flirted with his fans and other artists. It's all jokes. However, it still felt like a small sting each time.
Although you can't blame Jere. After all, your relationship was never made public, or at least Jere never mentions it. He doesn't want to put you in unwanted attention and protect you as much as he can.
Negative thoughts would start to fill your head.
You weren't beautiful enough. Jere could find a better person. You weren't as talented as Jere. You are a leech.
A few nights, you could barely sleep or sometimes got nightmares of Jere leaving you. Because of this, you gained a bit of eye bags. Jere noticed them during FaceTime with you, but you always say it's work.
Now, Jere was coming home for a week. You both looked at the time almost every second. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, he arrived, and you both kissed each other.
You two decided to have a date outside in the city. It's been a while since your last date. As you two walked around, trying to decide which restaurant to eat at, you ran into many fans along the way.
You started to feel self-conscious about how some touched him fondly, a few flirted with him, etc. You knew they were fans. Of course, they would be excited to see their favorite artist. However, those negative thoughts started to seep into you again.
Jere noticed how your atmosphere changed. He tried making jokes to lighten you up. However, it didn't seem to do anything. You suggested going home. Even though Jere was hungry, he wanted to know what was happening with you.
Once home again, you both went to the living room and sat on the couch. You had your head resting on his shoulder.
Jere finally asked, “Rakas, what's wrong?”
Just from those words, you poured out all your emotions. You told him about the nightmares, the insecurity, the flirting, and everything else. Jere would hold you and rub circles on your back with one hand, the other one combing your hair.
Jere listened patiently until you got everything out. “You should have told me before. I only love you, Rakkas. If you want, I can tell the fans about us.”
You nodded, “I think that would help a lot.”
Jere used his hand to push the hair that had fallen on your face and tucked it behind your ear. Jere placed a small kiss on your forehead and whispered nothing but praises and loving words. He would slowly lie down and put you on top of him, with your head still resting on his shoulder. You soon fell asleep, finally getting a peaceful rest.
The next morning, you woke up in your bed, and the smell of breakfast was in the air. You got up and went to the kitchen and saw Jere. You came from behind and hugged him, and looked at what he was cooking. Jere wasn't a very skilled cook, but he could make decent food, so it was simple scrambled eggs with ground beef.
You shared a quick kiss. “Surprised you woke up early.”
Jere laughed at that, “I woke up as usual. You woke up late.”
You looked at his phone to check the time, and he was correct. It was currently 10 am. However, you also saw multiple notifications from his Instagram.
Curiously asking, “Why do you have so many notifications on Instagram? Another tour schedule posted?”
Jere tried to hold in his laughter. “Why don't you check?”
You raised a brow, wondering what he had done. You opened his phone, went to Instagram, and saw the story he posted. It was a video of you sleeping on top of him on the sofa. Your mouth was a bit open, and you have a bit of drool on the side of your mouth. He had the text ‘Rakastan vaimoani’ at the top of the post.
You immediately snapped your head and glared at Jere. At that point, Jere couldn't hold his laughter, “What? You said it was ok.”
Your face flushed with embarrassment, “You know damn well I didn't mean that!”
Jere had that smirk on his face and turned off the stove. You took your slippers and started to chase him around the apartment. Even then he was laughing his ass off.
(I used Google translate, so sorry if they are incorrect. Please tell me if they are incorrect)
Summary: You moved to Finland a few weeks ago and can't seem to feel at home: you're starting at a new job, you don't understand the language, you're kind of going through a break up... One tired and cold evening you head into the first bar you can find and briefly meet a cute guy you can't stop thinking about for the next few weeks. You try to forget about him, but when you go back to the same bar for some random gig your coworkers have invited you to go to, you find him again. [This takes place way before Eurovision]
Word count: 5.9k
Warnings: English isn't my first language and I got a little lazy mid writing. Also they smoke a vape oops (seriously now don't do it it's shit for your health). Maybe smut implications at the end?
A/N: I didn't know what to name this lmao. I cannot believe I wrote fanficiton for the first time in YEARS because I fell in love with a Finnish guy after watching Eurovision. Anyway, I noticed an enormous shortage of Jere fics and decided to risk my final exams to serve the people. I hope it's worth it! Also apologies if the Finnish translation is shit I used a random website for it lol
Glossary:
"Anteeksi, pudotit takkisi" -> "Sorry, you dropped your coat"
"Jere, istuimme takapöydässä" -> "Jere, we are sitting at the back table"
"Olen tulossa" -> "I'm on my way"
"Hetkinen, kiitos!" -> "One moment, please!"
"Jere, sinun vuorosi on kymmenen minuutin kuluttua" -> "Jere, you're on in ten minutes"
"Minä menen nyt" -> "Coming"
"Hei kaikille, miten meillä menee tänään?" -> "Hi everyone, how are we doing today?"
"Kiitos, Mikko, arvostan sitä todella" -> "Thank you, Mikko, I really appreciate it"
"Miten uskallat tulla tänne?" -> "How dare she come here?"
"Meidän on hyödynnettävä sitä" -> "We'll have to make use of it"
"Mikä on sana?" -> "What's the word?"
...
It was cold. Hell, it was colder than she could have ever imagined before coming here. Sure, she had checked the country's temperatures before moving, researched online about what to expect for someone who was used to easy winters, had bought the fuzzy-fur-on-the-inside-boots and the heavy jacket and all that was recommended to face the never-ending snowing. But still, it somehow hadn't been enough.
A job offer and the need to find some new purpose to latch onto had led (Y/N) here. Now three weeks in, with no friends and hardly a place to call her home had helped regret start to settle in. So many things felt out of her control: the way her colleagues seemed to think she was a mess, the cashiers at the supermarket sighing because she still didn't understand the language, everyone from her hometown rolling their eyes when she announced she was leaving in a way that meant you're not gonna make it.
Yet being thrown outside her comfort zone, and being forced to move on however she could manage, made her feel at least some kind of thrive. Which was far more than she had back home.
As she walked down the street for some place to find shelter in, hands shaking and breaths almost uneven, a neon sign caught her attention. Even though she couldn't figure out the name, it looked like a pretty okay bar. She didn't need much convincing anyway; anything would do to get out of this freezing gale. She made her way in.
The warmth was a instant relief. Stripping down from the many layers of upper clothes, she took a quick glance to check the place out. Not many people, which was fair for a Wednesday evening. There was low music playing, mild chatter and a bunch of people sitting alone in the stools, which was a relief. At least she wouldn't be the only one.
As she ordered a beer (one of the few phrases she had made sure to master) she felt her hands come alive again. The beverage came along and she took a long, much anticipated sip. It tasted significantly different from the brands she was used to, but it was just fine. Alcohol is alcohol.
Finally feeling at ease, she took her phone out and started mindlessly scrolling through social media to kill some time. It was still early in the evening since she had just gotten out from work. An extra challenging day is what had led her to wander outside for a bit instead of heading back to the dull apartment she hadn't even been able to decorate yet. Going home right after would've led her to start overthinking if this job was even right for her, if she had gone crazy by moving hundreds of kilometres away from what she's always known, if her ex-girlfriend had been right when she accused her of being too impulsive, if it would be such a bad thing to give it up already and leave—
"Anteeksi, pudotit takkisi", she heard a voice say behind her.
When she turned around to give her "sorry I still don't speak Finnish" speech, she was met with a blue-eyed, dark-haired, funky but sweet looking guy holding her jacket, which she now understood had fallen to the floor. It caught her by surprise that she somehow forgot how to speak for a brief moment.
"Oh! Thank you, I hadn't noticed it was on the floor" she ended up answering, taking the jacket back as the man handed it to her with a confused look in his eyes. "Sorry, I'm not from here. I don't speak Finnish yet" she added with a small chuckle.
"No, don't worry, Finnish, uh- hard language to learn" he answered through an amusing smile, with a thick accent and a clear struggle to speak English.
She half laughed at his answer. Until now, people hadn't been so kind about the language-barrier impediment. "Yes, it is a little bit", she followed, now taking in his appearance.
Painted nails. Double nose piercings. Earrings. Facial hair. A bowl cut? Interesting choice, but it suited him surprisingly well. Her brain decided through that brief examination: he was cute. Attractively cute.
"You can try Duolingo. I use for my English, but don't work very very well" the man said the second part more as a correction to himself, making both of them laugh from the random half advice. He tried to fix it: "Maybe for you works better".
"Maybe. I'll check it out. Thank you again" her response was going to be followed by an invitation for him to sit down with her, as she felt a sudden wave of boldness: I need to make some friends in this town or else I'll go crazy. But a group of three other guys that had come in after him caught her stranger's attention.
"Jere, istuimme takapöydässä", one of them said to him, while walking to a table at the back corner of the bar.
"Olen tulossa" he turned around to answer, then looked at her once more, "I go now with my friends. Enjoy your beer" he smiled and small-waved goodbye, as she copied his gesture. "Enjoy your evening".
That small interaction was enough for her to spend the next half hour looking up from her phone, which she had retreated to, to glance at him from time to time. His group of friends and him seemed to be having a good time, and she enjoyed the view of him. He looked like a very interesting person, too, and if she was being honest, she hadn't been struck by someone new in quite some time. Not by her neighbors, not by the people she was starting to coincide with at the grocery shop, not even by her co-workers.
She noticed him looking at her from time to time as well.
When her glass was empty and just as the clock on her phone struck seven, she got up and got prepared to face the freezing wind once again. At least it wasn't that long of a walk to her place.
She lingered for a moment before exiting the bar, then finally did so while warning herself not to get too caught up on the nice stranger she suddenly felt she was leaving behind. It was just a one minute interaction. You probably won't see him again. Quit this teenager act. Focus on the important tasks ahead of you.
It was already pitch black outside, snow accumulated on the sidewalks, the air was even colder than before.
Excitement started to bubble up in the pit of her stomach.
...
Two weeks had gone by and although she had been meaning to return to the bar, she just hadn't find the time to do so. Once the job's training period ended, the hectic rythm started. In her free time, when she wasn't taking care of the house or just resting, she was trying to find some language academy where she could actually properly learn Finnish. Cute guy had been right: Duolingo just didn't do the trick.
She had hoped he would appear around the neighborhood, that maybe he lived nearby. But there had been no luck. It was fine, though. She knew she would let go of it rather quickly at that point, it's not like she had been thinking about his addictive smile or pretty eyes or soft-looking hands. Not at all.
It was Friday, and some acquaintances from work she had managed to pull off had invited her to a small gig. She didn't even remember the musician's name nor did she know where it was going to be, but nevertheless she was happy to go and actually get to have some fun with other people. Who knows, cute guy might even be there.
She didn't even realize they were headed to the bar until they were right in front of it. Inside, a small stage platform had been set up and tables and chairs had been removed to make space for the audience. It wasn't very spacey anyway, the place could hold about a hundred people squeezed together tops.
"Huh, hadn't even thought of this place as a venue" she let her thoughts trail out loud.
"Have you been here before?" her coworker Aubrey, who she had slightly bonded with because she was also a foreigner, asked her. "Only once" the girl explained, already searching for a certain someone's face in the crowd. "So, who have you brought me to see tonight?" she asked, in the hopes of at least getting some conversation non-work related flowing. "I don't really know, coming here was Mikko's idea. He's always trying to get us into these weird small rap-rock Finnish bands, and listen, I've lived here for over a year now and I still don't really get the hype" Aubrey explained making both of them laugh "But it always ends up being fun when we go out" she added.
The rest of the group had moved forward to get a good spot near the humble stage, as Mikko babbled on and on about nonsense the two women couldn't figure out from the distance. "Hey, I'm going to the bathroom real quick. Mind saving me a place?" (Y/N) asked her colleague, who answered affirmatively.
She made her way through the crowd in between "excuse me's" and "sorry's" but got there with quite ease. One of the two toilet doors had a sign that read "Out of order", so she knocked on the one that was left to check if anyone was inside. A voice that sounded vaguely familiar came from the other side: "Hetkinen, kiitos!"
Nervousness suddenly struck her. Is this who I think it is?
When the door opened there was no doubt. Cute stranger was standing in front of her.
"Oh! Hello" he blurted out just as he saw her, sounding surprised. Today he was wearing eye makeup and bottom eyeliner, which suited him very, very well. He has such a pretty face.
She realized now she had not been able to get over this guy in the two weeks of not seeing him, even though she didn't even know his name.
"Hi" was all she could manage to say. She had been looking for him when she entered the bar but she was convinced he was not actually going to be there, "It's good to see you!" she added, as a way of avoiding an awkward silence.
"You as well. You, uh, you come to... concert?" he inquired, struggling to find the last word while pointing towards the direction where the stage was to make sure he was being understood.
She noticed he was wearing an all yellow outfit that consisted of corduroy pants and a button up. He looks good in it.
"Yes, some work friends brought me here. But if I'm being honest I don't even know who's playing" she confessed, slightly covering her mouth with one of her hands to joke around, as if she had spilled a dark secret. Stranger burst out laughing. His laugh was cute. "Do you know if he's good? I wanna know if I'll be wasting my time or not" she asked him, pretending to be a diva to keep his laugh going.
He had his arms crossed and his tongue between his teeth as he slightly giggled. "No, I think he's pretty ok. I think you will like, even if no understand" his answer was playful and accompanied with another small laugh. She continued joking around, this time putting her hands up in pretend self defense "Hey, I'll try my best. Maybe using Duolingo for two days actually did something" she shot back, realizing after saying those words that she had just told Mr. Stranger she had followed his advice.
He narrowed his eyes and tilted his head playfully "You did what I say to you" he stated. "Yes, but you were right. It's not really helpful. Now I just keep getting emails from the goddamn owl and feel scared that he's going to find me and kill me for not going back to the app" she explained exaggeratedly, which made their giggles grow bigger and even he bent his knees with laughter.
Their little chit-chatting was cut when a man who looked like he had been searching for someone stopped in his tracks at the beginning of the bathroom hall and shouted at them: "Jere, sinun vuorosi on kymmenen minuutin kuluttua". She turned around to look at the source of the voice and then back at stranger when he answered "Minä menen nyt". She wished she knew what they were saying, but she assumed it had just been his friend telling him to hurry up. Also, was Jere his name? She had heard it two times already.
"Someone's always calling out for you", she commented when they were left alone again. "It's because me popular, yes yes" he joked, putting a hand to his chest and shrugging. "Listen, I go now. Concert starting soon" he explained, pointing out to the stage's direction once again "I see you there?" he asked, eyebrows raised as he put a hand to her shoulder, looking into her eyes. His blue ones had her mind going blank for a moment. That seemed to happen a lot when he was around. "Uh- yeah, sure, see you there". He smiled again then moved past her to return to the hall. She stared at him leave as she opened the door to the bathroom and finally went inside, smiling to herself and biting her bottom lip.
She hurried back once she was finished not only in fear of missing out the start of the concert, but more so in fear of not finding him again. Aubrey raised her hand to catch her attention and she followed the lead back to the group. The place was packed, it was hot, and there was a lot of chatter going on.
"What took you so long?", Aubrey asked as she got to her side, just in front of the stage, "They're about to start". (Y/N) was standing on her tiptoes and turning her head in all directions. She had just talked to him and the bar was not that big: where the hell had he hid himself?
"There was a long line to the bathroom..." she started off distantly, then turned to face Aubrey "Hey, this is going to sound weird, but have you seen-" just when she was going to make the question, she noticed some people walking up to the stage and everyone started cheering.
As she looked up, she couldn't have been more dumbfounded.
It was him. Mr Stranger was the one performing tonight.
"Hei kaikille, miten meillä menee tänään?" he shouted out to the public, (Y/N) assumed as a way of greeting everyone. He took no time noticing she was right there, which made him grin even wider. "I see we have international people tonight. Good" he said while looking directly at her. She felt her coworkers eyes on her.
"Do you know him?" Aubrey whispered-shouted to her, "I- uh, no, yes? Briefly" she responded back as he continued on in Finnish. She remembered the question she had made him earlier and mentally facepalmed. This cheeky dude. Lying to her face just so he could later get her reaction.
Since there was no way of understanding what he said, she concentrated on what she could see. Two men behind him wearing pink shirts and shorts and sunglasses. A DJ table, no instruments. There was a sign hanging from the wall that read "Käärijä". Was that his artistic name? She was very intrigued by everything going on and wondered what genre he was going to play.
She had no idea what was coming.
As soon as he stopped talking and the music started playing, his demeanor changed. His stare became fiercer, his movements provocative and unleashed. He walked around the stage like he owned it, stared at the audience like he knew they would do whatever he asked them. Every beat before he started singing rumbled inside her, made her hold her breath in anticipation. She let it out once the words started to fall from his mouth.
The lyrics could have been shit for all she knew. His deep voice, the exotic pronunciation, the hard rapping from the boy who had seemed so sweet and wholesome but was now showing another side of him, the song's rhythm and tone. She was all in. So in, that her body started swaying to the sound almost like an automatic response, and jumped around alongside everyone else when the music demanded to do so.
"Ok, he's really good" she said to her coworkers as the crowd sung alongside him. "Mikko, you were right, he's really good" she insisted to the boy beside her, who was clearly enjoying himself. "I told you!" he answered amidst chanting, "Jere is my most talented friend". Oh, okay. Mental note taken.
As he performed his songs, (Y/N) couldn't help but admire the dedication Jere put on and the absolute fun he looked like he was having. Also, she realised he was at least kind of known around here, because people were singng alongside him.
The head banging, self touching, slightly undressing and sticking his tongue out only added more to his eclectic movements and gestures that made the show feel like a mix of energetic, passionate and, why deny it, lascivious state. Her eyes were glued to him in a capitative stare, that he would catch from time to time and hold for a few seconds. Then he would turn to his attention somewhere else, but a smirk would make a clear appearance on his face.
Whenever he finished a number, the loud clapping allowed him some time to take a sip of water. The clothes he was wearing and its material soon became unbearable, which lead him to take his shirt off completely. "Sorry, it is hot in here" he stated into the microphone pretending to excuse himself as a joke, as everyone in the room made a fuss about it. He was heavily sweating all over his face, neck and torso.
If she had previously been absorbed by him, at this point it was almost unbearable. She had not expected to see so much exposed flesh, and the pectoral tattoo nearly had her weak on her knees.
For some reason, freehing himself from his clothes somehow made him behave even wilder from then on out. He started getting closer to the front row, some even holding out their arms to interact with him, him receiving the gesture with no issue. The Fin looked so confident in what he was doing, it only made her feel even more attracted to him.
He moved so quickly (Y/N) didn't even have time to process when he positioned himself right in front of her, amidst performing a song, and full on stroked her cheek for a few lasting moments, all the while mainting direct eye contact. It was as if no one else had been around them, as if this instant had been theirs only. She didn't respond to the touch by touching him herself, since she couldn't find the strength to be as bold; but the breath hitching and swallowing saliva right after were a clear sign to Jere that he made her feel things. He would quite probably feel embarrassed about it later, but right now it made him feel close to powerful.
The whole gig ended on a high note, the applause was strong and lasting. (Y/N) clapped her hands so fast they even started hurting a little, and could understand through the noise that Jere was thanking everyone for coming out to see him. As he was about to exit the stage, some music started playing over the speakers as to signal that the performance was over and everyone could retreat to either leave the bar or get a drink and stay there for a longer while. As the people from the front row turned around and waited to have a chance to move, (Y/N) felt a hand on her shoulder.
Jere looked exhausted, but it also seemed like the whole night had riled him up. "You don't leave now?", he meant to ask, but came out more as a plead. She wouldn't even dream of doing so right now. "No, no, I'm staying" she rushed to answer. "Good. Wait for me?" he went on. She could only manage to nod her head yes. He smiled and quickly went "backstage" to freshen up.
"Okay, what the actual hell was that?" Aubrey took no time to pry her, "It did not look like knowing each other briefly". (Y/N) shrugged while putting her hands in the air and half laughing, not knowing how to beat those allegations.
"It's classic Jere. Finds a girl cute and cannot stop himself" Mikko chimed in, while grinning, "Now I understand, you must be the girl he saw a couple of weeks ago over here, right?"
"He's talked about me?" she said, a bit shocked, while Mikko lead the way for the three of them to go grab a drink. "Yes, well, now that I connect the dots, that evening you came here, it was a Wednesday, right? I came too, but it must've been after you left. When I arrived he was commenting it".
Some of the other coworkers were starting to leave, not without commenting the elephant in the room before grabbing the door. "You're gonna be the talk of the office now", Aubrey asserted, making Mikko laugh and (Y/N) grow redder by the minute. "I don't even- we haven't even talked that much, really. But watching him onstage was..." she trailed off, letting out a sigh and grabbing the drink Mikko offered her, thanking him in the process. "Yes, it's his special trait. That magnetism he holds is what's gonna get him places", he agreed.
"Okay, but does this whole act mean that he always does this? Like, does he take advantage of his concerts to mindlessly flirt with random people?" (Y/N) suddenly tried to rationalize the fast track of actions Jere was taking on with her. Sure, she liked him, and she really, really wanted to have some fun. Needed it, even. This bonding moment with Aubrey and Mikko right now, this non-work related, exciting chatter; the going out; as precipitating as it sounds she was starting to feel like she was finally making friends, establishing a life. But she also didn't want to be played around with.
"Ohhh, no, not necessarily" her coworker laughed, calming her down "Käärijä the performer is seductive, provocative, even uncontrollable" he took a sip from his drink, "But Jere the person is another story. Dude wouldn't even hurt a fly, I mean it" he reassured her. He then was about to say something else, but stopped on his tracks when they all noticed the man of the hour and the tow men who had performed with him coming over to them. However, he quickly commented to the girls the following before Jere could hear them: "If anything, he's the one who has been played around with".
Jere approached Mikko first, going in for a hug, which made total sense given the fact that they were friends. (Y/N) appreciated it, because his last comment had caught her by surprise. He had changed into some track pants and graphic loose t-shirt, and over all he already looked far more calmed down and back to his more, to put it some way, innocent self. Aubrey and (Y/N) exchanged a look before introducing themselves to the guys in pink, who had not changed their outfits. Their names were Jaakko and Aleksi.
"Hey, I recognize you. You were all in the bar that day I was here" she said as a realization. "Yes, we were planning tonight" Aleksi answered, "Did you like it?" he added, to both her and Aubrey.
While the four of them engaged in small talk, the girls understood that Mikko was congratulating his friend on his performance and Jere was thanking him, "Kiitos, Mikko, arvostan sitä todella", he said with appreciation on his face, closed smile and big puppy eyes (Y/N) couldn't ignore. With one last ruffle on his hair from Mikko, the two men stayed with one arm over the other's back and turned to the group.
"Alright, let's talk in English now so we can all understand each other..." Mikko started off. "I see you guys have already introduced yourselves, very good. Now let me introduce you girls to Käärijä himself, although maybe a certain someone doesn't need it" he playfully remarked, making Jere look away while hiding his face and (Y/N) roll her eyes. "Jere, these are (Y/N) and Aubrey from work. Aubrey, (Y/N), this is Jere" he played around using a formal tone and letting out of their embrace.
"Nice to meet you" Aubrey answered, shaking hands with him and gently pushing (Y/N) forward once she was done to signal her to do so as well.
"I finally know your name" he commented, making her chuckle, "Yes, I guess you do". Mikko and Aubrey swiftly moved to give them some space, going over to Jaakko and Aleksi, who were all in in the same unspoken plan.
"You like the show?" he seemed a bit nervous as he rested his elbow on the counter and signaled the waiter to get him a drink, while attentively listening to her answer, "Honestly, I'd never been to one quite like this. I mean, I've been to rock concerts and such, but this energy you guys put on stage was totally new for me. I really enjoyed it tho, you're really good" she sincerely said.
"Oh, thank you, really" Jere put a hand to his chest as to show gratitude, "It was first concert after months of not doing", he further explained, "So means a lot all people who come here, yes. I'm so happy for this, I was worried if not work well". He sounded so humble (Y/N) couldn't help but grow to like his personality even more. She was curious to know why he hadn't played in a way, but also didn't want to intrude, so she opted for another response. "Well you should be. We all had a blast".
"You understand anything I sing?" he wondered with a perky smirk, before taking a sip from the beer that had just landed in front of him. "I didn't need to", she let it out without giving it a second thought, almost as if this was the only real answer she could give, which to her felt absolutely true. He was shocked by it and spilled some of the drink out, quickly catching the dripping by covering his mouth with a napkin.
"Ah, I make fool of me now, great!" he tried to cover up by playing down the incident. She couldn't stop laughing out loud, some people even noticing the whole scene between the two of them, specially Mikko and company who laughed as well from a distance, "That's what you get for lying to me before" she joked, but grabbed a napkin as well to clean his shirt up, softly patting it on his chest. "Sorry, I wanted to surprise" he justified. It was in that moment that she noticed they were almost the same height. When her gaze moved upward from the stain she was cleaning up, his stare was way closer than she had thought. He carried on talking.
"Also, before, I hope I not make you... uh-, mikä on sana epämukavalle?" he looked over at Mikko for help regarding a language inquire.
"Uncomfortable"
"Yes, that" Jere said, "I hope I not make you uncom... uncomfortable when I, you know-" he tried to explain himself, struggling with the pronunciation. He stroked his own cheek to interpret what he attempted to say. "Oh! No no, don't worry, it was- it was okay. I liked it, actually", his relief was evident after she assured him. He let out a nervous giggle.
Then, something caught his attention. His gaze had travelled to the door, past (Y/N), and what he saw made his face turn dead serious, although also sad. Mikko, Aleksi and Jaakko very quickly noticed what was happening. Aubrey and (Y/N) also turned around to check it out: a girl was standing by the entrance looking for someone with a worried expression.
"Miten uskallat tulla tänne?" Jaakko expressed angrily. The three men addressed Jere, who suddenly was a loss of words and course of action.
"Ex alert" Aubrey whispered to (Y/N) while sipping from her drink's straw. "They're asking him if he wants to go talk to her" she informed her friend, which (Y/N) was thankful for. It was really tiring to not catch anything on her own sometimes. While the four men were talking to each other, deciding what to do next, (Y/N) grabbed Jere's arm and everyone's attention fell on her. She just couldn't stop strongly empathizing with him because she had also recently been through a break up and knew how shitty it was. Jere seemed more at ease when she talked, "Are you okay? Do you want to get out of here?" he looked past her again, everyone following his direction and realizing his ex was coming over to them. "I do, please", "Then we're getting out of here", (Y/N) decided, "You guys coming?" she asked the rest. "No, you guys go on. We'll make sure she doesn't follow" Mikko stated, thankful for her determination.
They said rushed goodbyes and (Y/N) got ahold of his hand to guide him towards the door. When they walked past her, she tried to talk, but they were quick to get out.
As per usual, it was freezing. They started to wander off to anywhere.
...
"I'm sorry about having to go"
They had found a comfortable spot in a park overlooking the town's river and had settled there. They had walked for a while, him trying to talk about anything else but his ex.
"Don't sweat it. I fully understand" she comforted him, then took the vape he had previously offered to her and took a puff before continuing, "I got broken up with three months ago... I hate to admit it, but it's part of the reason I ended up deciding to move here", she explained. He listened to her attentively, with a stern face.
The night was silent over here. It was only the sound of the stream and their hushed voices
"Can I ask why the break up?" he inquired, not wanting to pry on too much. "Only if I can ask why the break up", she made him chuckle. "Yes, of course" he accepted.
"She said I was too impulsive and that she couldn't trust me to maintain a steady and stable relationship, because I couldn't even do that with my own life" she sighed after her explanation and rolled her eyes.
"Wow" Jere said, disapproving look on his face "Hard thing to say".
"Yes, but honestly, I don't hold a grudge anymore. She had her right to think that way too. I do so too sometimes" she admitted, handing back the electronic cigarette, since they were taking turns to smoke.
"That's shit" he commented, which made them both laugh, "But I understand, too. "My ex, Sofia, that's her name, she uh- said she not approve of music career" his gaze moved upfront, "She said It's either me or music, and I think she not like my answer" Jere let out a half-sad cackle, "This is all I ever wanted to do. I loved her, I feel like I still do a bit, you know? But..." he nodded negatively before finishing the sentence, "I need someone who give support. What I told you before, the not doing concerts? A part of it was because I got, uh, insecure".
Silence fell between them as they both got lost in their own thoughts for a brief moment.
"You know, for someone who claims to not be good at English, you can maintain quite a deep conversation" her words made him belly laugh again. He looked at her and handed the vape once more. "Don't need Duolingo for that" he referenced. He was about to speak again but cut himself. "You can go on, it's fine", his doe-like blue eyes seeped cherishment.
"Oh, I not know, talking about ex was not in my plans when being alone with a girl I like" he made her blush, "I just thinking that, you know, I'm almost... mikä on sana" he struggled again with the language "Thirty year old?" he doubted if he had said it right, and the girl nodded to indicate him he had, "Thirty year old, and when younger I thought Oh, I achieve my dreams at thirty, have the family, all that... You know? And... nothing of that" he described, "My songs, some say that. But you not understand, so..." he added jokingly to lighten the mood, erupting laughter from her.
"Hey, I'm trying really hard to find a place where I can learn Finnish! Give me a break..." she defended herself, while the giggling from both of them died down. "But, just so you know, most of us feel this way too. Having your life figured out at thirty? That only happens to the lucky ones, I can assure you" she saw his tired expression and put a hand to his shoulder, "And by the way, you're crazy talented. We were all mesmerized by your performance. You can get to whatever place you want to be, and if you don't, well... It won't be because of your fault".
They were once again looking in each other's eyes. His gaze travelled down to her mouth. They were sitting close to one another as to avoid the cold wind. Her heart beat faster. How come did she feel like he had known him for such a long time if this was practically their first ever proper conversation? Yet she couldn't fight it. She had seen so many sides of him in such a short amount of time; she swore she'd never been that much of a romantic but the alcohol, mixed with how vulnerable they both felt in that moment and the fact that she was finally feeling at ease after more than a month of such a big change in her life, probably did the trick.
"Can- can I...?" he started nervously, but was interrupted.
"Yes"
Their lips crashed, finally killing the anticipation. Her hands cupped his face and his ones settled on her waist. She felt his long eyelashes touch her face, his beard tickled her jaw and his hoop piercing was cold on her nose. (Y/N) enjoyed feeling all these parts of Jere on her. He truly was so pretty. And suddenly, she wanted to make sure he knew just how pretty he was and how much he deserved to know it. The wave of boldness she had had to ask him to sit down with her those two weeks ago, but had been interrupted, came back as a stronger force.
When they separated to catch their breath, (Y/N) kept his face close to hers. He was panting through a timid smile and hot red burned his cheeks. She noticed her face doing the same thing.
"My apartment is a five minute walk from here" she suggested.
"Meidän on hyödynnettävä sitä" he whispered, hands going up and down her sides, and the Finnish language had never sounded so seductive to her.
a/n: this is the second to last chapter *internally crying* 😩😩 I'm so happy to have shared this with you all and am so grateful for everyone who has loved it as much as i have and i hope to continue to share more stories with you in the future - let me know if you'd like to be notified for the final part and don't be shy to leave your thoughts below 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
catch up here
I snuck into Belly’s room late. It was still raining out. It wasn’t a downpour like yesterday but it was still enough that it made my hair wet as I walked over to the house next door and I could hear the rain hitting the cement when I went inside. The entire house was dark and I was pretty sure everyone was asleep. There wasn’t a single sound in the house except for the faint noise of the TV in the living room. The light was off but the screen illuminated Susannah’s sleeping body. I tip-toed up the stairs quietly and passed Jeremiah’s room and into Belly’s. She was asleep but her eyes fluttered when I crawled into bed next to her.
“Yn?” She asked. Her voice was raspy and full of sleep and she barely could open her eyes to look at me but she still smiled when she saw me. “What are you doing here?”
“I just missed you. I’m sorry about the ball and Susannah,” I said. Belly rolled over on her back, just as I was laying, and sighed. “I’m sorry I kept it from you.” I realized, while everyone was mad at me and the world was dark, that I had also lied to her. It wasn’t just Jeremiah I hurt, it was Belly, too.
“Conrad made you promise, didn’t he?” I nodded but remembered she probably could see me so I said yes out loud. “That’s why he was being weird all summer, right?” I said yes again. She was quiet.
“It’s going to be okay,” I whispered. I thought that was the right thing to say. It seemed like the right thing to say. I could feel the pillow case was wet under my face from her crying and I could only imagine how devastated she was when she found out. How a life without Susannah was probably just as bad for her as it was for the boys. It might not be okay but maybe it made her feel better for the time being.
“I hope so,” she whispered back. We laid together in silence until her breathing got steady and I was pretty sure she was asleep. I reached my hand over the headboard and knocked three times. I waited for a reply and didn’t hear anything so I knocked one more time. Before I could knock for the third time, I heard three coming from the other side. My heart skipped and I rolled out of her bed quietly. When I opened the door, no one was there. Then, his door cracked open. He had bags under his eyes and disheveled hair. That was what my eyes saw first but then they trailed down to his shirtless torso and defined muscles. He was here.
“Jere.” It was all I could muster. My throat was tight and dry. He reached out and grabbed my arm, pulling me into his bedroom without saying a word. I was engulfed by his scent. His arms were like a weighted blanket around my body, keeping me grounded to the Earth like a force stronger than gravity. His breath tickled my ear and I nuzzled my face into his neck. He felt like home. “I’m so sorry.”
He shook his head and his hair tickled my nose. “I should have called,” he said. That was so like Jeremiah to apologize when he wasn’t in the wrong. I reluctantly pulled away from him. I wanted to take a picture of him and keep this image of him in my pocket forever. He reached out for me again. Grabbed at any part of my flesh he could hold on to.
“It’s okay. I’m sorry about Susannah.” My voice felt frantic. In the moonlit bedroom, everything felt surreal. As if we were in a movie and the only ending possible was a happy one but this was real life and I didn’t know if that was possible here. I looked at him and thought maybe it was. I let myself believe that it was possible but when the sun came up, I knew it would be different.
His fingers looped around mine and he pulled me to his bed and into his lap. He kissed my shoulder and I wrapped my arms around his neck and nothing has ever felt this normal. Our bodies were made to sit like this together. “You’ve known since Spring?” He eventually croaked out. His fingers were combing through my still damp hair and I felt his urge to cry. His voice sounded hoarse from either crying or not speaking for a while. He didn’t sound himself. I wonder how much of him had washed away with the salt in his tears. I nodded. We stared at our bony knees. 4 little rocks in a row. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Conrad asked me not to.”
“So you’re loyal to him then?” He looked up at me through his lashes. I wrapped a curl around my finger to tell him I loved him.
“No that’s not-“ I stopped. I didn’t know what to say. Of course I was loyal to Conrad, he was my friend. My family. He made me promise and I had to keep it no matter how many times I wanted to break it. “I wanted to tell you but he asked me not to. I almost told you so many times but I was mad at you when I promised him. I’m sorry.” I didn’t know if my excuses were registering in his brain. If they’d make it better. There was no solid excuse or reason for me to lie to him that way. I kept a life changing thing from him and I deserved to feel every ounce of his pain.
“You were mad about Vivian,” he clarified. I nodded. “So you promised him you’d lie to me for an unknown amount of time and then lost your virginity to him?” His voice was not malicious. There was no anger or spite in his words. He asked me as if he was asking so I take a left at this light and then go straight until I see the Denny’s?
“Well when you say it like that,” I mumbled and shifted my legs in his lap. His body this close to mine felt sticky and hot but he squeezed his arms around my waist three times to tell me he loved me.
“Like what? That’s what happened.”
“Yeah. I guess so. We were both upset.”
“I never had sex with Vivian,” he told me.
“But you had sex with other people. I wasn’t your first and you weren’t mine. What’s the difference? I don’t know every girl you’ve fucked.” He held his breath and we looked at each other for a few moments.
In the distance between our faces was all the words we had never said. I have loved you from the beginning. Every birthday, I wished for you. Every shooting star had your name written on it and every four leaf clover was found in your garden. I need you. You are my forever.
“Macy Witnall. Sophomore year. She was in my English class and I needed help with an essay and you were too busy doing math with Conrad that I asked her instead. She wore too much perfume and despite not having big boobs, she wore an insanely tight shirt that showed too much cleavage. She kissed me and kissed me until we didn’t have any clothes on and I had sex with her on her basement couch. I lost it to her. Macy. Last year I had sex with Luisa Pilman in her bedroom. We had been talking for a little while and I liked the way she smiled and laughed at all my jokes. I only kissed Vivian because I was drunk and she was there. It could have been anyone. I wanted it to be you. I know that doesn’t mean anything now and didn’t mean anything then, either but I need you to know it has always been you.” I was holding my breath the entire time he spoke. It all came out like word vomit but it was calculated and careful. Like a speech he wrote in advance but I knew he didn’t. He waited for me to speak and when I didn’t he said, “so you’re right. You were allowed to have sex with other people but why did it have to be my brother?”
“Were?” I asked. “I was allowed?”
“I always felt like you were mine. Like you belonged to me even though you didn’t. So yeah, you were allowed to do whatever you want but now you really are mine. Okay? You’re my girl. Is that okay?”
I bent down and kissed his forehead and then his cheekbone. He scratched at the skin on my lower back. I kissed his jawline. He kissed my shoulder and I wanted to nod but I didn’t. I was quiet until I wasn’t.
“What about Conrad?” I asked. He pulled back and his face fell. The hope that was in it moments ago was now gone. Wrong thing to say, I thought. “I just mean, are you going to be able to get over it? Are you two going to be okay?” Is he going to be able to get over me? I wanted to ask.
“We’re brothers. We’ll get through it.” I nodded. “Are you sure that’s the only thing holding you back from answering me? I’m willing to forgive you here. Willing to let it all go just to move forward.”
“Is that all this conversation is? Just a way to get through it?” For some reason, it felt like he cared less. I was thinking he’d come over here and scream and yell and we would fight until our throats were sore but we’d end it in a mess of limbs and sweat and love. This felt less passionate and I didn’t know why it felt less real.
“Yn. I love you. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to fight with you and if all we have to do to be happy is to move past this. Put it in the rearview and keep going forward. That’s what I’m willing to do.”
+
Mom asked if I wanted to leave Cousin’s early. Go home a few weeks in advance and get ready for my senior year and forget about Jeremiah. She said the last part without really saying the last part. We can get the Fisher’s house in order. To surprise Susannah. We can go school supply shopping and get you a new wardrobe and stay up too late eating pizza. All these things lacked him.
I told her no, for a while. Until Jeremiah didn't call me the next day, I didn't bother to call him, and I was just floating in the gutter with all the rainwater. I cried all the tears in my body before I told her: "okay, let's go."
The house in Boston always smelled musty when we returned. Too much stagnant air and not enough circulation. Everything needed to be washed and scrubbed and dusted and it didn’t smell like home. My room was cold and the globe on my desk had dust collecting on South Africa. I wiped it away.
When my bed was warm and clean and smelled like our detergent, I curled into my bed. Cousins was home, too. The ocean waves put me to sleep and the smell of fresh toast in the morning but there was nothing compared to this home. The scratches in the doorframe of the boys and me getting taller, marking the time we all hit puberty and when Jeremiah lost his first tooth.
This home had all the memories in it. He attached all the birthday cards and notes he attached to the pints of ice cream he delivered. All the stuffed animals he’s given me that live on the shelf in my closet. I reached up and grabbed a little brown bear sitting right in front. I dug around inside his stuffing until I felt the corners of a folded-up piece of paper. It was crumbled and old but I kept it inside of the bear for safekeeping. I unfolded it carefully and read the scribbled handwriting. He was maybe 14 when he wrote this. His handwriting was sloppy and overused and he never dotted his “I”s.
Yn,
I hope you like this bear I found at the flea market. Mom said you would. I found some fleece at the flea market, too and I made my mom show me how to sew and made it into a heart using some of his stuffing. I put it inside the bear. It’s yours now. Always and forever.
Jeremiah
I felt around for the heart inside of the bear, found it, and pulled it out. It was a piece of red fleece about the size of a quarter stitched together in the shape of a heart. The edges where it was sewn are now frayed and it lost all its plumpness as if it was deflated. It had no more love to give. I squeezed it in my fingers and then kissed it three times. Whenever I missed Jeremiah, this was my ritual. I imagined him asking Susannah if she could teach him to sew as he fondled the fleece at the flea market. Little Jeremiah, looking up at his mom with such hope. It was an innocent love that I bet Susannah could see would one day be more. So she agreed and I imagined her smiling and nodding and taking it home with them. She treated the fabric with love as she showed him how to sketch out the shape, connect the edges, and stuff it full. I imagined him kissing the heart and pressing it to his and then putting it inside the bear. That thought kept me going in the dark nights when he was gone.
Susannah left a spare key under the mat of the back door in case of emergencies. I wouldn’t call breaking in to clean the house an emergency, but my mom disagreed. “The key has been used for worse things, have they not?” She asked, eyeing me knowingly. If using the key to sneak into Jeremiah’s room late at night or to get back inside way after curfew and long after Susannah locked the boys out worse, then yes. It had been used for worse things.
Her house held the same musty smell as ours did and as Mom let all the light in from the outside, I pulled out all of the lemon-scented cleaners. Eventually, the house stopped smelling like a damp, dark, abandoned place, and started to smell like Susannah again. Despite her being gone, her room still had a hint of her in the linens. Once thoroughly washed, it was like she had never left. I was putting Jeremiah’s room back together when the sun started to go down. The laundry had taken all day and now I was struggling with the warm fitted sheet over his mattress.
I pulled one side over the left top corner and the bottom right would pop off. Eventually, I pulled the mattress up completely in frustration and tried it that way. Under his mattress, on top of the box spring right on the edge, was a small composition notebook with the words to the girl I love scribbled on the white box on the front. I grabbed it and dropped the mattress, all four corners of the sheet snapping to the middle.
My heart started to pound. His handwriting looked old and young like he had written it long ago. The edges of the notebook were bent, certain pages were bookmarked with the fold of a page and it looked like it had been under the bed for a while. Jeremiah wasn’t a writer. He never expressed any interest in it. He didn’t even like English class but when I flipped through the notebook, every page was covered with words and photographs and candy wrappers at the top of the very first page was my name. I should have shut the notebook and put it back but my eyes couldn’t move away from the words he had written. The first page was dated 2015. We were ten years old, and you could tell how young he was in his handwriting. He was misspelling words and the pencil marks were smeared all over the page. My hands started to shake and my heart was beating faster and faster and faster until I had to sit down.
The first page had a tootsie roll wrapper taped in the corner and he wrote about our Halloween that year. He went as a cowboy and I just threw on a pair of cat ears and wore all black but we still trick or treated around the neighborhood. We always dumped everything out onto the floor and picked out what our favorites were and divided everything. Jeremiah always let me have more but we fought over the tootsie rolls. He let me have the last one.
I flipped the page and every single page had an anecdote about our friendship. The time he forced me to jump into the pool for the first time at school because I was too scared. That Thanksgiving when I told Susannah I would help make the turkey and I told her I had it and I didn’t and it fell onto the floor and we jumped into a pile of leaves later that afternoon. Straw wrappers from when we shared milkshakes at the diner a few blocks away and the receipt from every time we got ice cream. I always wondered why he grabbed those. From 2015 to 2020, half of the notebook was filled. Every page. Photos of us that our moms took were tacked in the corners and he wrote a description on each and every one of them. 2016 - look how pretty your eyes are. 2018 - I love how you’re smiling in this one. Like you’ve never been happier. You make me so happy. 2020 - Happy New Year’s, yn. My resolution is you.
The next page was dated on my fifteenth birthday. The day I was dumped for the first time. The day that I knew I loved Jeremiah Fisher. He wrote: Elijah broke up with you today. How could he do that? Look at how beautiful you were. I punched him in the face and I don’t know why. I was just so mad and it was my first instinct but caring for you was my second. He left you but I never will, okay? This is my promise to you. I will love you until the end of time.
I shut the notebook and held it in my lap. What was this? I turned it around in my hands. There was nothing written on the back but he had left it here. There weren’t any notes written during the summer months. Sometimes he would write when we got back and detail important things but he never brought it with him. I flipped back open the notebook to the last page written.
Yn, I have written a hundred letters to you in this notebook but for some reason, this feels like my most important. I even opened up a dictionary to look for words to make me sound more impressive because as you know, words are not my strong suit. I am not a lyrical (nice one, huh?) guy. I don’t express my emotions the right way, if ever, but I have to get this down. You need to know. The date right now is June 2nd, 2022. We’re leaving for Cousin’s today and I think you’re still mad at me.
I turned a few pages back to the one he wrote about our fight about Vivian. It was a long string of apologies and begging that I would never see. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I love you. I meant what I said I don’t know why I did that. Fuck I’m so stupid, I love you. I love you. I love you. I flipped back to the last page.
I hope you’re not mad at me because I can’t apologize anymore. The words just dry up every time because I know it’s not enough. I need a tangible (!!!) piece of evidence that I loved you this summer. I loved you the summer before and the summer before that and all the seasons in between. When the leaves were falling, I wanted to pick them up into a bouquet for you and when the snow was falling I wanted to collect the flakes into a globe. When the spring brings nothing but rain showers, I want to dance with you in the storm because with you, I can withstand (good right?) any weather. Just know, if the universe decides you and I are not meant to be, I will love you until my last dying breath. If the stars do not align and the world does not seize (my mom helped me with that one) to spin if you and I have to part, know you will forever be in my heart.
Who knows maybe one day I will give this to you. When we’re old and wrinkly and in love, I can give this to you and say, “see! I have loved you longer than you’ve loved me!” And we’ll fight about it and you’ll say, “no you have not!” And then I’ll have this proof. Where’s yours?
Forever yours,
Jeremiah
There was a photo of us taped to the bottom. One he took while we packed really late at night in his bedroom. I looked exhausted but in love. I loved him in that moment and every moment before and every moment after.
My fingers were trembling. I didn’t even realize until his name was shaking and blurry from the tears forming in my eyes. I closed the notebook and put it back where I found it. I made the bed like I was never there and closed the door behind me.
His tangible evidence. The irrevocable proof that he loved me was sitting under his bed collecting dust. Where’s yours? I had nothing. I had no proof. I barely had the words to tell him. Even when words are flying all around my head, I can’t seem to catch one. None of them seemed to be the right ones.
I left Cousins like a coward. It was probably the last summer we all would be together and I left without saying a word. Mom told me I’d regret it if I didn't say goodbye but I didn’t do it anyway. What was there to regret? I’d see Jeremiah and Conrad when they got home. I missed Belly, though. I wished I had said goodbye to her.
Conrad caught me before I left as I threw my suitcase in the trunk. I could barely zip it up so Dad grabbed a bungee cord out of the garage and strapped it close. I don’t know how I got it to close back home and I didn’t buy much while I was here that wasn’t staying here but it was still bulging open.
“Need some help?” I turned around as the suitcase landed with a thunk. He was smiling, despite everything. I hadn’t seen him in three days since the debutante ball and here he was, smiling at me.
“No, I’m okay.”
“You’re leaving,” he observed. I nodded my head. “Were you going to say bye?”
“No,” I told him honestly. His smile faded and he nodded solemnly, looking down at his feet. His right eye was bruised a light purple shade. It was the only difference in his face. “I didn’t think you guys wanted me to.” I was the Cousin’s pariah this week. No one wanted to talk to me. I never received any texts from the girls. Even Belly and Steven had been keeping their distance because how could I have hurt Jeremiah Fisher that way. “Besides, I’ll see you guys back home.”
“It’s not the same,” he said. We had a tradition every summer to end it on the beach. We spent the entire day, no matter what, at the beach in our swimsuits and we didn’t leave until the sun came back up the next day. It was our way to savor the last bit of heat. To soak up the last bit of sun. To drown in the last bit of ocean. Now, it would just be the four of them. “Have you talked to him?”
“Jere?” I was surprised he asked me this. I wondered what happened between them behind closed doors. After Susannah went to sleep and she was no longer the elephant in the room. Did they hash it out once the dust settled? Did they flip a coin and whoever won got me forever? Or did their resentment linger in the unspoken words between them until it was too much to bear.
“Yeah,” I said. “A little.”
“And?”
“And what?”
“What did he say? Are you two together?” I furrowed my eyebrows and Dad came out of the house. We both looked in his direction and he offered an apology before turning back into the house. I used this interruption to turn around and close the trunk, moving toward the backseat of the car and ignoring Conrad’s question. “Yn, you can tell me.”
I looked over at him and sighed. “No,” I whispered. His face didn’t light up like I thought it would have but he did smile a little. He stepped closer. “We’re going to wait until we’re back in Boston. When everything settles down. When Susannah isn’t sick anymore.”
“She’ll always be sick until she’s gone.” His words are true and hurtful and sharp. They pierce me deeper than I thought they could and I sucked in a breath. “Why wait? If you love each other.”
I didn’t have an answer for that. I guess, realistically, we didn’t need to wait. But the universe always seemed to come between us and if that was the case, was it really meant to be? “What are you trying to do?” I snapped. “He’s your brother.”
“Yeah. He is my brother. You seem to remind me of that quite often for someone who seemed to have forgotten it when it really mattered.” I threw my hands up, stumbling backward until there was enough distance between us to be able to breathe again. Conrad reached out for me and I let him take my hands and steady me. “I didn’t come here to argue,” he said.
“Then why did you come here?”
“I came here to tell you that I’m backing off.” That was the last thing I expected him to say. Conrad Fisher was not the type of guy to steal a girl from his brother but he also was not the type of guy to back down when he really wanted something. I guess loyalty won out this time. “You two,” he paused and took a deep breath, “the love you two have is something I have always craved and it’s something I think I’ve always been jealous of. I wanted it to be me so bad but it was always him. You’re right.”
He held up my hands and kissed my knuckles gently. “You’re going to find someone,” I said. It was all I could think to say because no words were coming to me.
“You don’t get it, do you? Jeremiah has never loved another girl. He probably tried. He probably really tried but he has always loved you. The sun rises in his world for you and it sets for you and it spins for you. I think the same is true for him in your world. It’s okay if you can’t love me that way. It’s okay if you don’t want to. Just promise me that you will take care of my brother because I will make sure he takes care of you.” He dropped my hands and caressed my cheek but I didn’t feel the need to back away. I let him touch me for probably the last time. I let him do what he pleased. If the Earth was made just for me, it wouldn’t spin around the sun, it would orbit around Jeremiah’s smile.
I wanted to offer him some sort of solace. Something that could make his heart mend a little so I could no longer hear it cracking under his chest. “You’re my best friend, too, you know?” Crack. Crack. Crack. “You’re just as important to me as he is. The lines just got blurry, I don’t know.” He shook his head and cupped my cheeks. “I’m sorry.” I was crying. I felt the water pool around his fingers.
“I’m not going anywhere. We need each other.”
We needed each other. I needed the Fisher’s like I needed air to breathe and water to live. Conrad stared at me like he needed me, too.
I was upstairs in my room when I heard the car pull up outside. Susannah’s car was now in her empty driveway and everyone piled out and scurried across the lawn like bed bugs. I watched them as Conrad helped get the suitcases out of the trunk and Jeremiah held the door open for Susannah. They were in and out until the driveway had no more evidence of them coming home besides the white car. Jeremiah looked up to my window before he shut the front door for good.
Downstairs, Mom was making muffins. The smell of bananas filled the entire house. When I asked her what she was doing she said “I’m going to bring them to Susannah’s later, wanna come?” She knew the answer before I shook my head. “You should come to see the boys. I bet they miss you.”
“Mom,” I started, “have you ever had to pick? Between two boys?” She set the spatula in her hands down. The wooden handle was covered in batter from her hands. They were messy and sticky so she used the back of her wrist to itch her nose.
“I don’t think I have, no,” she said. “But then again, there wasn’t ever a choice with your dad.”
“How did you know?” I thought for a second that if I had to ask that question then maybe I already knew the answer but I had to ask her anyway.
“I guess it just always felt right,” she told me. She could see the disappointment on my face from her answer. The sunken shame in my eyes for not just knowing. “But it’s okay to doubt yourself sometimes. To doubt if you’re making the right choice. You’ll always wonder what if.” I wanted to ask her if she ever had a what if. Someone that came into her life after she met Dad and made her question things but I had a feeling she would tell me no. “I think you know what the right choice is and you being confused and questioning and making mistakes is just your brain’s way of stalling because you’re scared.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I said. She went back to mixing the muffin batter and I picked at one of the ones already baked. They were warm and buttery and tasted like bananas. They were perfect.
“You’ll make the right choice. Just listen.” She patted at her chest where her heart was caged by her ribs. Just listen. I closed my eyes and tried to listen. I heard Jeremiah’s voice. His laugh when he thought something was really, truly funny and then his laugh when he tried too hard and didn’t really think what was said was that funny. I saw his eyes and his hair and felt his hands on my body. I listened and listened until I heard him say I love you. I need you. You’re the one. His voice morphed into Conrad’s. It was no longer light and airy and full of love. It was raspy and deep and full of something more sinister. Pain. Regret. I love you. I need you. I saw Conrad’s smile when I finally got something right in math or when I told him I liked the book he recommended. I hear his laughter when it’s muffled because he’s a few rooms away and I’m in Jeremiah’s room but for some reason my ear drums pick up that. I see his eyes. His smile. The dimples that form in his cheeks when he smiles too big. I opened my eyes and my mom was watching me intently.
“She’s full of shit,” I mumbled. I walked out of the kitchen and went back upstairs.
This is based on 'TRAFIK'. I did this for fun. Hope you enjoy reading! Sorry for any mistakes!
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Words: 1,338
mention of blood and bruise, multiple curse words, Fluff(?)
Käärijä Masterlist
Accident
You are currently in your older brother, Joost's, car. You worked at a cafe in the city. However, your car was in the mechanic, damaged by some teenagers for fun. So you had to rely on Joost to drive you to and from until it was fixed.
You sat in the front passenger seat, wanting to go home already. However, Joost had made plans with a friend, so now you were dragged along.
You sighed in annoyance as you held onto the ceiling handle, “Joost just drop me home. What’s the f*cking point of dragging me with you?”
Joost chuckled, “'Cause I know you hate it.” He then made a sudden turn. He was speeding, and you felt like you would get thrown out if it weren't for your seat belt.
You knew you didn’t get a say, since it's his car. But you didn’t want to die because of his recklessness. In addition, his friend was in the back, looking at a magazine of exposed women. Which made you a bit uncomfortable.
You were about to argue back until Joost came to a slow stop. There was construction happening on the single road. Joost was irritated and even hit the wheel. To calm down, he lit up a cigarette. You weren't sure what number cigarette he was on. You had told him to cut down on them, but he never listened. But you were able to take in some air after challenging death on every turn he made. The traffic jam was your savior this time.
However, that only lasted a few seconds because Joost stepped on the gas and crashed immediately.
Your body lunged forward, and you ended up hitting your left cheek, everything else was fine. But you can't say the same for Joost, his nose was bleeding.
You, Joost, and his friend looked out Joost's window to see who the driver was that suddenly appeared out of nowhere.
The car was a green Dodge Challenger. The other driver rolled down his window, he had platinum blond hair like Joost, piercings, and a beard. The man started to argue with Joost and even got out of his car and went in front of the front window. Joost and you were starting to panic and get a bit nervous. Although once the man touched Joost's shoulder through the open window, that's when Joost started arguing back.
Other drivers started to honk their horns, getting impatient with the traffic jam. The two of them continued to argue, throwing the middle finger at each other, and shaking the car. You were getting annoyed with the noise and the pain from the hit.
You thought it would be over when the man returned to his car. But of course you're wrong. They just continued to argue like dogs on leashes. All bark but no bite. Throughout all of it, you tried to tell Joost to drive and go home.
Thankfully, after a few more insults in Dutch, Joost drove off. Not caring about the signs, cones, or barriers. He first dropped off his friend and drove to a hospital. Even though he could be annoying to you, he still cared for you, and he wanted to see if you were alright.
The doctors examined you both. You had a bruised cheek, nothing too serious, but you still needed to wear a patch over it. But Joost ended up having not too severe of a broken nose and now has to wear bandages on his nose.
He drove home after that was over, “Sh*t, I’m sorry. I know I’m stupid for my speeding habit.”
You knew he meant it, “It’s fine. Guess we will have to use the bus to go to work now. Until my car is fixed.”
Joost groaned at the thought of that. But there weren’t many options. “Yeah.... F*cking hell”
For the next 3 days, you've been taking the bus and walking to the café. Your coworkers would ask what happened, but you would say you had fallen on the sidewalk.
Today was another day, taking the crowded bus, clocking in, and taking orders and payment. However, you froze for a second.
The man from the green Dodge Challenger was now in front of you.
“I would like a….”, He didn't recognize you.
You debated whether you should tell him while taking his order, “And what's your name?”
“Käärijä,” he said as he paid and took a seat at an empty table.
You wrote down how you think it's spelled and started making the drink. You decided to try and see if he remembers. You wrote on the cup holder ‘Did you have a green car that was crashed into?’
You called out his name when you finished. He came and took it and sat back down. You went back to work but stole a few glances at him.
You were now cleaning the pickup counter. Käärijä took that chance to walk up to you. “Were you in the traffic that happened?” He said as he pointed to the note.
You were taken a bit aback but quickly nodded. “My brother was the one you were fighting with.”
Now he remembers, he saw a woman in the passenger seat while he was on the front window.
“Sinä olet kaunis” he muttered.
You didn't understand what he said. “Sorry, I didn't understand.”
Kaarija then said, “I said I'm sorry. I can drive you as an apology.”
You debated again. You didn't know him that well, but it would be better than riding a bus every day. So you agreed.
Käärijä waited until your shift ended and drove you home. You both had an awkward silence at first, but soon you started talking.
You arrived home, and he gave you his number. “You call and I pick you up. Okie?”
You smiled, “Ok, I will. Thank you.”
You went inside your house, and Joost was already home.
He scratched your head, “You're home early. Did the bus take a shortcut?” He joked around.
You chuckled, “No, someone is driving me now.”
Joost nodded. At least you were fine.
For the next few days, Käärijä would pick you up and drive you to and from your house. Until finally you got your car back from the mechanic.
You: “I got my car back. You don't have to pick me up anymore.”
Käärijä: “You sure you don't want me to keep picking you up?”
You: “We can still talk if you want to.”
After a while, you both started dating each other. Joost noticed how you would be glued to your phone, taking longer to arrive home, going out more, and even dressing up a bit. You had to tell him that you had a boyfriend to stop him from snooping around and finding out who exactly it was.
Käärijä treated you like a precious jewel. You both loved each other very much. But you worried about Joost finding out.
Currently, you are on a date with Käärijä at his house. You were relaxing on top of Käärijä, while he lies on the couch. He had one arm relaxing behind his head and the other behind your hip. A random movie was playing on the TV.
You and Käärijä were giving each other short kisses.
Suddenly, your phone started buzzing. At first, you two ignored it, until it didn't and started getting more frantic. You finally got up and grabbed your phone.
Joost had called and texted you multiple times. You open the text to see what he has done this time. However, your face drained all its color.
Käärijä saw this and looked at your phone, “Vittu”.
It was pictures of you and Käärijä kissing and holding hands. Joost kept sending you texts every second.
Joost: “WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS”
Joost: “DON'T IGNORE ME”
Joost: “WHY ARE YOU DATING THAT KANKER LUL”
Jere tried to lighten the mood, “Maybe he's jealous.”
You knew damn well Joost would be waiting back home, “I’m f*cked”
(I'm sorry if these words are translated incorrectly!)
I made this for fun. Hope you enjoy reading this! Sorry for any mistakes!
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Words: 529
Fluff
Käärijä Masterlist
Opposites attract
When you met for the first time, it was an accident. Your friend had two tickets to a gig and invited you. She didn’t tell you who the artist was, but you still went with her. Surprisingly, you were in the front row.
Jere was performing and examining the crowd when he laid his eyes on you. Most of the crowd wore casual clothing, rock, or his merchandise, while you contrasted with the majority of them. He made a few light jokes and asked if you accidentally came to the wrong place. Then, after the gig was over, he asked for your social. From there, you both started to talk, and he even invited you to meet with his team.
People would sometimes see photos of you in the background. Many thought you were a new member of Jere’s team.
Jere was known to be crazy, loud, and high-energy. You were known to be calm, mostly quiet, and gentle. The music he created was rap, metal, and rock, like Rammstein. You listened to jazz, pop ballads, and traditional pop, like Frank Sinatra. His outfit style was very unique, casual, and sometimes edgy, and mostly black. Your outfit style was more shoujo and cottagecore with pastel or neutral colors.
You seemed to be the complete opposite in almost everything.
Because of that, many people were shocked when Jere posted a small video on his Instagram.
Jere was acting dramatic, “My, my erm..girlfriend say she no love me”
He pointed the camera at you. You were brushing your hair, “All I said was that I wanted to go to the library instead of your gig.”
Jere pointed the camera back to him, “Same thing”. He laughed and quickly walked over to you and kissed you on your cheek.
Fans went wild, posting everywhere, some supported, some didn’t. But even then it didn’t bother you and Jere’s relationship much.
Although he did start to post more stories to his Instagram about you two. He would make small jokes about your relationship. Share some parts of your dates, do small tricks on you, etc.
When he was doing his gigs he would sometimes pull you from behind the curtains. He wasn’t embarrassed to show you off. He loved how many of his fans cheered and also made you fluster more easily.
During the 2025 Eurovision, he was team Erika and Tommy Cash, while you were team Lucio and Napa. You two got tickets and watched the performances begin. Jere was going crazy when Erika started to sing. He and Häärijä went live on his Instagram, stood up and danced, and sang along loudly. You sat and laughed as you watched him, many people behind you also laughed and cheered.
After Erika’s song ended, Lucio from Italy started to perform.
Jere pulled you from your seat, “Come on, you like this no?”
You two laughed as you two swayed back and forth. He wasn’t embarrassed at all, he loved to make you smile and hear your laugh. The loud music didn’t matter, he could hear your laugh as clear as day.
You both had many differences but that's what he loved about you.
I made this for fun, hope you enjoy it! Sorry for any mistakes!
ﾟ+(人・∀・*)+｡♪
Words: 365
Käärijä Masterlist
Katsomassa
Jere has known you ever since your parents introduced you two. You were both young and filled with endless joy, and you’ve stayed with each other since that day.
You listened to the music his cousin showed him, watched his love for music grow, visited him in the hospital, and saw when he was at his lowest point in life. Yet threw out all of it you stayed.
Jere couldn’t help but fall in love with you. How couldn’t he? You’ve seen the worst and best moments in his life. You could have left him long ago, but yet, you didn’t. He yearned to be with you. He loved you, from both the outside and the inside.
Now here he was, watching you walk down the aisle. His eyes laid upon you, you looked ethereal, divine, heavenly. No words for him could describe you at this moment. He stood in his suit, watching as every step you took was closing the gap to be wedded. Everyone else became a blur, he only saw you.
He loved every part of you, including every one of your flaws.
Your eyes locked for a moment, eyes filled with love. Time seemed to stop as you reached the altar. The rays of the sun enhanced your glow if it was even possible.
With every word the officiant spoke, it felt like a ticking bomb. Soon the ‘I do’s’ were exchanged and the kiss to seal the marriage. Everyone clapped and cheered for the newly wedded couple.
As much as he loved every moment he has been with you. This was the worst one he’s experienced. A new flaw appeared, a flaw that he couldn’t ignore.
That flaw was your newly married husband.
He couldn’t ignore that he no longer had a chance to tell you.
He had watched you walk the aisle as he stood with the crowd, reached the altar, and sealed the last hopes of being with you by kissing your husband.
No one would know about his shattered emotions for you. He'd let you break his heart if it made you happy.
During the entire wedding, he dreamt of being the groom, who was his friend.
Inspired by "Situazione complicata" by Lucio Corsi.
I did this for fun. Hope you enjoy reading! Sorry for any mistakes!
(*^￢^*)
Words: 559
Fluff
Käärijä Masterlist
A Duet
You were a popular singer and you had your team to help you. You were performing in different parts of Europe.
You didn't typically do gigs, but your team wanted to try it out. You didn't mind it. But you were just used to bigger and more organized events.
Your team went to the place where the gig for today would be. You stayed behind in your hotel room and finished up your makeup.
Until a sudden text is sent from your assistant.
Assistant: Y/N! COME NOW!!
Assistant: THE VENUE DOUBLE BOOKED US!!
“...S*IT”, You immediately grab your phone and run to the venue.
Once you got to the building you ran to where you heard the commotion.
Everyone was talking over each other and panicking.
Your assistant spoke, “Well our whole team is now here. So we should be the one to take the venue.”
A bald man then spoke, “We've almost finished setting up. I think we should continue with the gig.”
You tried to voice your opinion but both teams didn't listen. Soon the door to the room opened and a man with a bowl cut stood there.
He looked at you and your team with confusion. Then he looked at his team, “Mitä tapahtuu? miksi he ovat täällä?”
After explaining the accidental double booking he finally understood. You both wanted to continue your gig. So you both came to a last-minute agreement, a collaboration.
Your teams seemed on the bench with the agreement. But they knew it was the best option to not disappoint the fans.
You fixed your makeup and changed in a different room. Meanwhile, your team was discussing which songs, lighting, movements, and where the props would go.
Soon the time came and people started to enter the building. You stood backstage, nervousness eating you up. This was so unplanned.
Jere seemed excited and hyper about this. He told you it would be fine. You found his broken English very amusing. He tried to overcome the language barrier and give comfort even when he didn't know you well.
You both went onto the stage and the fans started cheering immediately. The night went smoother than you expected. Interacting with the fans was fun and Jere loved to tease them. He even made you laugh along with the fans.
After the gig ended you got yourself a towel and fixed yourself.
Jere came up to you, “Maybe we do this again?”
You two talked a bit and even after you both left you texted each other on Instagram.
Many people were posting about the sudden collab at the gig. A few made assumptions as always.
You and Jere met a few times after. You two found each other interesting. After a few months, you started to date. But you haven't made it public yet.
You and Jere booked a gig together. You were interacting with the fans and were about to end the gig.
Jere spoke, “I have one more thing before leaving.”
Jere walked over and kissed you. “We are uh.. Seurustelu. Dating, yes dating”.
Many of the fans cheered and took pictures and posted the news.
After the gig, you both went to your hotel. The media had gone into chaos. You were both in bed reading the news and posts. You both spent the night laughing and cuddling.
(I used a translator for this! Sorry if anything is wrong!)
Mitä tapahtuu? miksi he ovat täällä? - What's going on? Why are they here? (Finnish)
