“Forgive me Jim but I must ask you to repeat yourself. I sounded like you said the Ambassador initiated a mind meld with you.” “Oh yea, sure, couple of times.”
(Sorry for the long wait, hun! I hope you like it!)
The Tale Jealousy Tells
“Forgive me, Jim, but I must ask youto repeat yourself. It sounded like you said the Ambassador initiated a mindmeld with you.”
Jim turned and looked up at Spock,his brow crinkling into a frown. “Oh yeah, sure. A couple of times,” he said,wishing Spock would relax and sit down. It was hard to really end his shiftuntil Spock did these days, and with him standing there, ramrod straight, andwearing that tense expression that said he was uncomfortable, it was hard forJim to relax. “Didn’t I tell you that already?”
“I assure you, you did not.” Spock’stone seemed several shades cooler, and Jim’s frown deepened. He was upset.They’d grown close enough now that Jim could recognise it.
“Why does that upset you?” he askedbluntly. It had been a long shift, and he did not feel like drawing this outwith the usual sensitivity around Spock’s unexpected displays of emotion. Evenmore so when they were of a kind he’d deny he was having.
“I am not upset. I am merely tryingto ascertain the facts.”
“Bullshit,” Jim said, standing againwith a groan.
He’d been looking forward to theirchess game for the last two hours of that awful shift. Even if he was mentallyand physically exhausted, chess with Spock always relaxed him. Mostly justbeing around Spock relaxed him, really, unless they were in a life-threateningsituation. Although… even then, Spock’s presence calmed him, in a way.
“I have asked you not to mention thefaeces of—”
“Spock, please,” Jim interrupted.“What’s wrong? We’re off shift. Please, sit down.”
Spock’s left eyebrow twitched.Annoyance. Jim sighed, and sat down again himself. It had to be about theAmbassador. They hadn’t been talking about anything else even remotelysensitive. Jim had just said something that Spock didn’t think he should know,Jim had only guessed it was from a meld then, since he couldn’t recall how heknew the information either. It didn’t even seem important.
“If you’re worried about someuniverse threatening consequences of a meld with your alternate self, then—”
“I’m not worried about anything. Iwas merely—”
“Ascertaining the facts,” Jimfinished for him, rubbing his face and groaning again. Whatever it was, it wasserious. Spock usually relaxed at least a little at the end of shift thesedays, and he wasn’t usually so sensitive about Jim’s choice of curse words. Orat least, if he made comments about them, they were wry, not irritated.
“It appears you are the one who isupset, Captain,” Spock said stiffly.
Jim shot him a glare. “I am nowyou’ve called me captain off-shift,” he said quickly. “We’ve talked aboutthat.”
Spock averted his eyes, and lookedabout the room. “Using first names implies a sort of emotional intimacy that—”
Jim cut him off with a loud groan. Itwas like they’d moved two months backwards. Over what? Jim continuing to talkto the Ambassador?
“You can give that up,” he saidshortly. “I know from the Ambassador that you do feel emotion, so don’t eventry pretending that you don’t. Tell me what’s wrong.”
Spock’s nostrils flared, but hisexpression didn’t otherwise change. Anger. Well, that was something, Jimsupposed.
“The Ambassador is not me,” Spocksaid, with as much vehemence as his attempt at neutrality allowed, which wasn’tmuch, but enough for Jim to notice it as such.
Standing back up again, since Spockclearly wasn’t going to sit down, Jim approached him slowly.
“No, he’s an older, alternate versionof you that has lived a very different life,” he said, coming to a standstillclose enough to reach out and touch Spock, but far enough that he at leastappeared to be respecting personal space. “And he’s all alone in a universefull of younger, different versions of people he used to know. If I can helphim feel less alone, then I am going to.”
Spock’s jaw seemed to clench, andthen relax, but he didn’t speak. Jim raised an eyebrow and waited. He knew thisgame. He’d hit a nerve, now all he had to do was wait it out.
“That doesn’t require a meld,” Spockfinally said.
Movement caught Jim’s eye as heopened his mouth to reply, and he looked down to see Spock had curled his handsinto fists. The realisation hit him at once.
The problem wasn’t the Ambassador. Itwas the meld.
Looking back up, and meeting Spock’shard gaze, he wasn’t quite sure how to handle that information. Sometimes hestill had difficulty separating it in his head. The reality of his professionalrelationship with this Spock, and the far deeper, romantic one that hisalternate self had had with the other Spock.
It had been that confusion, and thefrequent bursts of unfamiliar images close to falling asleep, or right afterwaking, that had caused him to reach out to the Ambassador again. After anothermeld to stabilise the accidental memory transfer, feeling the Ambassador’sloneliness had been all it took for Jim to visit or call him when he could.
But all that made this situation farmore sensitive. He knew everything about how an alternate version of Spock feltabout him and his alternate self. But he did not know how this Spock felt,about anything. No more than he could guess, at least.
If the problem was the meld, therecould be many reasons. But there was only one reason he wanted it to be.
“Are you jealous, Spock?” he asked,forcing his body to remain relaxed, and not give away how he felt about theidea.
Spock’s nostrils flared again.“Jealousy is illogical.”
“It is also a perfectly naturalresponse to seeing someone else doing something you want to do,” Jim said,taking a risk. In all likelihood, it had nothing to do with jealousy. Butbetter to rule that out first, before tackling the more complicated variety ofreasons that could be behind Spock’s reaction.
There was further clenching ofSpock’s jaw, and tightening of those curled fists. Jim had hit another nerve,and it felt like a tremor passed through him at the realisation. Could it reallybe possible? That in another universe, Spock might feel the same way about hiscaptain as the other one had?
“If you have questions about thenature of the meld, you can ask,” Jim said, fighting the urge to step closer,fighting to keep his posture relaxed, and his expression free from theexcitement he was starting to feel.
Spock’s posture seemed to stiffenfurther. “A meld is a highly personal and private experience. To inquire aboutwhat was shared is a great insult, and breach of social etiquette. Furthermore,it is none of my concern, nor do I care, what you shared with him.”
The order in which he said thosethings was more telling than the way his fists seemed to clench tighter. Jimwished for a moment that this was the other Spock. With him, talking aboutemotion was easy. He wasn’t so afraid of it, although he had been at one pointin his life.
“Well, I’m sure he would not mind youknowing,” Jim said lightly, risking one step closer. “He shares his memorieswith me. The first meld shared them unintentionally, and they were causing mesome trouble, so the second was to fix that.”
Spock’s nostrils flared again.“Emotion and memory transference.”
“Indeed,” Jim agreed. “After that, hewould tell me stories about his universe, and his version of the crew andEnterprise. If I was there in person, it was just easier to show me, and Ididn’t mind seeing.”
“You…”
Jim waited, but Spock didn’t finishhis thought. His brows were now furrowed in a clear display of confusion. Itonly made Jim’s heart race. Spock’s reaction was so unexpected. It had to bejealously. It had to be that he disliked the idea of another Vulcan sharingsomething intimate with Jim, even if it was another version of himself. Ormaybe because it was another version of himself.
Perhaps that was still wishfulthinking, but it made Jim feel braver.
“It was a pleasant experience,” Jimsaid softly. “Being in the meld with him as he shared stories with me. It mademe appreciate how lonely he really is now, and it’s why I talk to him wheneverI can, even if only through a recorded message. He’s lost so much.”
Spock looked to the side, and his jawclenched again. Jim took another step closer, his heart in his throat.
“Why is that a problem for you,Spock?” he asked.
“It is not a problem.”
Jim snorted softly. He was surprisedSpock bothered to lie. His posture was giving him away. His fisted hands, hisclenched jaw. The slight furrow to his brow. Or maybe he was so lost in tryingto repress everything, that didn’t realise he was doing all that.
“I don’t know,” Jim said, takinganother step, until they were almost touching. The fact Spock hadn’t moved backmade his palms sweat. “I can think of one problem with it.”
Spock turned look at him, his eyeswidening as if he was only now noticing the proximity. “What is that?”
Jim exhaled slowly, and then inhaledjust as slowly. He was a brave man, but this was terrifying. “It’s given me anoverwhelming desire to know the inside of your mind,” he said softly. “Iwould rather meld with you, not him, in the end.”
For eight seconds, Spock didn’tbreathe, and then he inhaled sharply. “You are playing some kind of human jokeon me.”
Jim laughed softly. “No, Spock. Thejoke is on me, for wanting what I can’t have, right?” He met Spock’s gaze, andheld it.
Spock stared back, his gazepenetrating and serious. After a moment, he lifted one hand, fingers spread,and held it near Jim’s face. But he didn’t touch him.
“If you are bluffing, you will onlycome to regret it,” Spock said softly, in a low, serious tone. “An unwillingmeld is a painful experience.”
Jim held his gaze. If Spock initiateda meld, he’d see everything. Jim was only human, he couldn’t control his end ofa meld. Spock would know that Jim had seen far too much of that alternateuniverse. That he had seen far too much of a very different relationshipbetween a very different Jim and Spock. That he had been confused, and lost.That he had even doubted that his own growing feelings for Spock were real, andnot some kind of transference from the melds.
But then he’d also see the certaintyJim now had that they were not any kind of transference, but his own feelings,based on their experiences, and not visions of an alternate life.
It was terrifying, to be laid so barebefore another person.
But it was Spock. And he’dwanted this more and more with each new meld he had shared with the Ambassador.He had wanted to know his Spock. And he wanted his Spock to know him.
“Do it,” he said softly.
Spock’s fingers touched his face,sliding into place, but still their minds didn’t join.
Jim slid his hand over Spock’s.“Please?”
That seemed to be what Spock waswaiting for. Closing his eyes, he initiated the meld.
Jim smiled as he felt the familiar, yet different, sensation ofSpock entering his mind. His Spock at last.
Link to AO3, if you’d like to leave me a comment =)
Prompting rules | My other prompted drabbles: Tumblr or AO3
(Didn’t think I’d be able to write them again so soon while I still feel so insecure about writing them lol but it just happened, and I went with it)
