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What Sandra talks about when we talk about love

Love isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Yes, I figure that I sound like a cynical, bitter person saying this but it's true. I swear I've been in love two or three times in life. And I was ready for wedding bells, overpriced ceremonies and eventually, screaming three-year olds sliding up through the hardwood floors of my dream home. All of this was supposed to be happened by the age of 28. And guess what? I've finally reached 28 and none of it has happened. I feel like I've come close, but all of these things seemed so far away, especially with the constant nagging of my student debts and lack of prolific employment to support them. I couldn't even support myself fully to find a place to call my own, let alone give birth to a miniature version of myself. Love was always in my life. From my spoiled and privileged childhood to the year-long relationships I've experienced. I never dated a man for a couple of months and then go separate ways. Anyone I brought into my home and my life on a serious tip was in my life for three or more years. I guess that's what made me feel like it was more legitimate. But what does it matter if they weren't healthy relationships? Looking back, I dealt with a lot of regrets. Looking back at all the money and time I've wasted, tears I've pushed out and the many events I ditched just to spend the night with bae. It wasn't all that bad, I grew a lot and learned a lot about myself: the things I liked and the things I don't. I realized that sacrifice is not applicable for a man who is there for a long time. It's applicable to a man who has the same vision as you. And finding that person is probably the hardest thing. I know some people marry their high school sweethearts and others find their matches at a random outing then six months later, there's an expensive princess cut diamond and fancy photographs splattered all over Facebook. (But what was wrong with me? I had a high school sweetheart and now we don't even speak.) Every time I saw those photos I was happy for the person, truly. But then a sad reality would take hold of my whole being because part of me knew that it wasn't going to be in six months or even a year. It was going to take much longer if it was going to happen at all. Both of my relationships were beautiful in their own ways, but I never felt sure about the outcome. I swore I was better off than most because I always had someone special in my life. I thought I'd be the first one married in my group of friends and now looking back I feel silly. Love, like life, takes unexpected turns but if something is meant to happen then it simply will. No prayers, wishes or brujería can change that. Now onto my third relationship at 28, it's simple. I feel happiness. I feel more impassioned than ever because it feels effortless, mature and magnificent. A person who understands me without explanation. I was caught up with ideas of years equalling a solid foundation for a relationship, but I have come to find those ideas frivolous after looking back at the past. All those years go to dust after a relationship fails. With much resistance, I let myself feel again because I knew staying bitter and closed off was going to do nothing but bad for me. After that, I found myself become less consumed by what others say. And annoyingly enough, that was when everyone had shit to say. I had a lot of negative words thrown at me because of how "fast" I found my new beau. A lot of people were thinking that my new romance was moving too fast and you know what they say: move fast like lightning, crash like thunder. For the first time in my life, I stopped caring about this ridiculousness and decided to concentrate on my own happiness. What was I supposed to do? Give myself time? I knew I loved myself enough to leave and I loved myself enough to know who was good for me. And now, I honestly don't feel this weighty pressure or even my biological clock ticking away. Because if there's one thing I know for sure is that the expectation of the future takes away the spontaneity and pure bliss of love. I always felt that undesirable pressure from those around me: what are you guys waiting for? Are there wedding bells in the future? And I became consumed by these unnecessary pressures. So consumed by them that being in a long-term relationship was no longer fun or exciting, it was like working. Working at a job you don't like but you need the money. And maybe the money symbolized love, but it wasn't fun anymore. The pressure of forever became a problem. (Didn't Miguel say "Where's the fun in forever?") Who knows what can happen in the next year or six months? All I know is that I'm not stressing or falling into this same pattern. Because love is love. And I'm just happy to be in it.

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