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rp meme: [2/10 of your own characters] jetta osterman

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rp meme: [1/8 otps] bosterman, sebastian beaumont & jetta osterman

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Riddle Of The Century - Listen Here

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Writing Prompt #1 - Regret

Journal entry by Jetta Osterman

In the pit of my stomach, I can feel the guilt creeping up on me. I nurse a similar remorse that tastes like bile, linger at the back of my throat, constantly reminding me of my actions. In the evening I rest on my bed, my eyes fixated on the clock on the wall parallel from where I lay, dreading the few days I have left before summer is over and college begins.

I am not prepared to embrace what everyone calls a new journey and because of this I fear I will be plagued forever by my actions and the inevitable consequences that will follow. I feel as if I am nowhere, stuck in a state of mind where I am taunted by my past and unable to acknowledge my future.

There's an isolation in my home, a shift of dynamic between my parents and an empty bedroom that I briskly walk past each time I go downstairs. I don't remember the last time I heard someone laugh or saw someone smile here. I smiled yesterday and I blame it on Jude. The light in his face is contagious, transferring it into me with a simple touch of the hand. I don't deserve to smile, I know that. Once he left me alone, the familiar feeling of guilt seeped in. If he knew what I'd done, I am sure he'd be reluctant to be my friend anymore.

I do not know what is going on with me. Acknowledging that does not take any weight off my shoulders. I have morphed into someone I hardly recognize. Though they share the same face as me, the person staring back at me in the mirror is a complete stranger. What troubles me most is knowing they are part of me. When he died, there was a void left within me that appears to have been taken up by this cruel stranger. They are not a figment of my imagination. It scares me that one day I will wake up and this person will be all that I know, letting the person I thought I was die with Daniel.

Part of me knows that is how it should be. I don't deserve to be happy. My brother, the person I love most, killed himself. Over and over again, I am reminded that I could have done something. I should have known something was wrong. That there was something I didn't do right, something I didn't do good enough or something I simply didn't do at all. He was nothing but doting to me and I failed him.

This is what triggered certain events that unfolded in front of me before I had a chance to react. When I was told, I ran to somewhere I thought was safe. My parents had identified his body, leaving me all on my lonesome. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I ran to Sebastian's house, prepared to have him hold me and tell me this wasn't real. I was sinking in and out of reality, time lapses occurring and certain visuals flashing in front of my eyes. My memories of that night are still distorted but gradually I have been picking up the pieces, attempting to make sense of what I did and why I did it.

He wasn't home but someone had caught me in their arms. I could tell it wasn't Sebastian as I was unable to detect his natural scent on the black fabric this person wore, yet I didn't let go. I needed someone to hold me. I heard a voice try to hush me, my words of depression and anxiety pouring out in an incoherent sentence that was mumbled underneath my breath. This voice belonged to Vince, I knew that. I didn't have time to question why he didn't let me go or why I didn't push him away. I kept repeating "Daniel died" over and over again, burying my face against his chest. If I said it enough times, I was sure I'd wake myself up from this nightmare.

My tears blurred my vision but I quickly took a glimpse of his face staring down at me. My heart warmed for a brief second and I was distracted by so many feelings I had desperately tried hard to ignore. I don't want to write it out of fear that it might be true but somewhere along the way I think I must have fallen in love with him.

My heart belongs to Sebastian and it always will, this is I am sure of, but what I felt toward Vince was different. It was more than my knees going weak over his charm. I could sense a danger to him that was foreign to me and I couldn't help but be excited by this. Throughout the years I had been dating Sebastian, I had established an unusual friendship with his brother. If Sebastian was staying late at practice, Vince would offer me a lift home. In fact, whenever Sebastian wasn't around, I was exposed to a different, more compassionate side of Vince. It gave me a reason to care about him more than I know I should have.

I still can taste him on my lips and it makes me feel sick. I cannot deny having him inside me at a time when I was emotionally distraught didn't temporarily make me feel better. I still don't know whether or not he took advantage of me when I was in a vulnerable state or if he actually had feelings for me. I left as soon as it ended, pulling my clothes on as I practically threw myself out the door, not daring to hear anything he said to me. I don't know if this happened, due to the haziness of the entire event, but I could have sworn he pulled me and asked me to stay. I choose not to believe that. It's easier to think he didn't care.

In a matter of seconds, I was back in my living room at home. I don't know how I got there, completely blacking in and out. Sebastian was there. As soon as he had been told that Daniel died, he'd come here to find me and waited until I came back. I let him hold me, my hands clutched onto his chest. I shook my head against him, picturing myself holding Vince only moments ago. My breath quickened and I thought the walls around me were about to cave in and suffocate me. On top of realizing my brother had killed himself, I had betrayed the love of my life.

It might seem ridiculous, me referring to Sebastian as the love of my life, but I don't have any doubts about it. Which is why I cannot tell him. If I tell him, he won't love me anymore. If he doesn't love me anymore, I fear I will lose myself more than I already have. It's selfish. I know I should let him go but the thought of him hating me is one I do not wish to comprehend. I find it difficult to look him in the eye, I can only imagine how he'd react. It would devastate him. It devastates me knowing that I cannot undo the past and fix everything that happened months ago. My hurt and anguish will take over and I will lose him, it's only a matter of when.

So, here I am. The silence is creeping up on me, running down my spine and across my shoulders. I can only hide from it for so long. No matter how much I try to avoid the truth, it lurks behind every corner. Sadly and with no surprise, the regret I feel is the only thing that keeps me company, with the exception of Jude who has graciously lent his shoulder for me to lean on.

Disregarding the obvious religious connotations associated with it, I am stuck in an impermanent limbo. It's bleak yet safe. I tiptoe the outskirts, an invisible force pushing me over the edge, knowing that one small step over will sending me crashing into the hell that is my reality.

I hear words like redemption and forgiveness and feel completely disassociated with them. Some people aren't meant to be redeemed or forgiven, this I am coming to terms with. Truth be told, a huge part of me no longer has the ability to care. Nothing matters, nothing is what it seems. I had to learn this the hard way.

#mad writing prompt #self-para #jetta osterman

#random video i made out of boredom #jetta osterman #video #ft ppl

People do strange things, their lives take them strange places, and sometimes you can't talk about them. I know how that is. (x)

#Jetta Osterman #my edits #for my rpg and I wanted to share. Loling at my nondescript choice of caps tho #au #edit: au #edit: graphic

A Little Pick Me Up // Coulter & Jetta

Coulter watched the clock tick slowly away as his professor blabbed away about something he really couldn't give a flying shit about. It was his last class of the day and he was starting to feel soberness creep up on him. He glanced around at all of his classmates and thought about how annoying they all were with their earnest note taking and sense of life purpose. Coulter put his head down thinking he could just nap the next hour away, but Professor Dixon's voice was too damn annoying to tune out. He wished the man would just shut his pie hole and surprisingly right after the thought crossed his mind Professor Dixon stopped talking. He looked up and saw his professor holding his head and leaning against the white board like he had an extreme headache or worse. Shocked by the sight of Professor Dixon's pain, Coulter's annoyance disappeared. Professor Dixon's pain seemed to slowly dissipate as well. He turned to his class informing them he would be going to the nurse and class was dismissed.

Baffled by the sudden turn of events, Coulter wasn't really paying much attention to his surroundings as he was walking back to his dorm room causing him to bump into a freshmen. He was about to say something about needing to watch where she was going when he realized it was Jetta Osterman. In the few seconds he managed to look over before saying, "Oh sorry, Jet. My bad," he saw she wasn't having that great of day. It wasn't super apparent, but he knew Jetta. Though they hadn't hung out much, they were really close friends back before- Coulter quickly let the thought vanish from his mind. "You okay, Jet?" he asked though he already knew the answer. "Bullshit. Listen I'm done with classes. How about we get some Thai, go to my room, blaze it up to some Radiohead, and you can tell me all about what's eating you?" He knew she wasn't really in the mood to share her feelings, but he also knew some of her favorites and hoped dangling the idea in front of her would get them a chance to hang out. With the sudden nostalgia bubbling up inside of him he surprising longed for a chill afternoon with one the few people he might actually consider a real friend.

#FTW #jetta osterman #jetter #let's go #para