life is a whirlwind. he foolishly spent the early days of april breathless and hoping for respite, thinking surely, god would take pity on him and make april a month of peace. maybe, finally, something that shook him to his very core wouldn’t happen month after month. maybe he could move past a drunken kiss with a boy on valentine’s day, and past that boy’s appearances on nova’s new survival show-- past a confession of love from a different boy the month after. maybe he could move past all of the extra time spent with joohyun, her delicate hands still wrapped around some piece of his heart, despite all of it-- despite that heart being torn in a hundred different directions more than ever. he’s always been flighty in love, always hesitant, always uncertain, but this is worse. maybe he’s spent two months with a certain sickness in his stomach that just keeps getting worse.
he doesn’t think much of the announcement of trc’s new auditions; in fact he’s almost certain he won’t go. there’s too much going on his life, both on an interpersonal level and with empty enigma, namely their new album in its final stages. if he didn’t want to be a trainee during the mgas, he certainly doesn’t want to be one now. and yet he can’t say no to joohyun, and a mutual pact that if he goes she’ll go. if that wasn’t enough, jinah encourages him to go, too. hehow does he always end up here?
at first, he makes the same mistake as he made with the mgas too: thinks there’s no way he has what it takes to get signed, and vows to do his best. he practices his dancing with joohyun, and it brings back memories of similar on the mgas, and maybe he’s even worse now. she does her best, and he’s grateful for her, but as the days go on, fear takes root. he fears another audition-- a contract in his hands. he fears stealing opportunity from others where he doesn’t want it. he can’t settle on a performance anyway until he decides he’ll just stand on stage with his guitar. he’ll sing and rap, but if he doesn’t dance, surely he can’t win. surely he’ll get to stand on stage, then go home, and return to his life as he knows it. (what is life as he knows it now? he doesn’t know.)
joohyun probably suspects as much when he doesn’t ask for her help with his dancing anymore, and when he plays guitar for her instead. sure, he could do both, but he won’t. he doesn’t tell her, either.
-- april 14 --
sundays at his mother’s church of choice are always filled with a certain tension for daniel. whether it happens or not, daniel always feels some kind of torn apart by her, and her friends, and the church that preaches less love and more perfection. still, he suffers through it for his family’s sake, and knowing that because he does this, his mother lets him go to church with his grandmother the other three weeks of the month.
the drive home is uneventful, and daniel relaxes, glad the worst part is over with. (but the worst is yet to come.)
they eat lunch, dad drifts away to do work, mina goes upstairs to her room, and it’s daniel and his mother. they clean up the table together, collecting dishes and silverware, and it’s when his mother passes him, returning from the kitchen back to the table, that she stops. she grabs him by the bottom of his ear, and he tenses on instinct, despite not knowing what comes next.
“are your ears pierced?” she asks, and her voice is equally piercing.
“yes...?” he answers, because the evidence is there. there’s no point in lying about this.
“why?” she has that look on her face: the raised eyebrows, the tongue laced in criticism, the heavy, inevitable disappointment. “daniel, where have you been?”
what lie does he spin now, to join the others? i’m going to study, i’m going to work, i’m going to the library, i’m going to haknyeon’s, i have work, all to cover up empty enigma shows and rehearsals and album preparation and friends she wouldn’t approve of and the fact that he’s raising a dog with a girl that she does like, if he remembers right. when does it stop?
now, he decides, finally. he is carrying too much weight around. soon his chest will cave in, if he doesn’t get rid of something. this has to be it. “mom, i have...a lot to tell you.”
so he does. he tells her that he loves music, and that he’s in a metal band-- about empty enigma, and that they’re his best friends, some of the best people he’s ever met. he tells her it’s been a year and a half, that he hasn’t been going where he’s told her, that he’s been performing shows, and going to rehearsal, and working on an album, but that his grades are still good-- that he can handle it-- that it’s okay.
she looks at him in silence for long, deafening seconds. his ears ring, and he meets her gaze, not fearless, but anticipating. “okay,” she breathes at last, and he lets out a breath of air the tension kept in his lungs. “i’ve raised you how i thought i should. it’s your life, and you’re old enough to make your own choices, so you can do what you choose with it.” he’s so relieved. is that it? he gets his hopes up.
“but,” and it comes crashing down again. he hangs on every word. “if you want to do this, you won’t do it while under my roof.”
he expected it. no, he expected worse, really. in this there is a promise that their relationship will continue as it has so long as he moves out, and if he’s going to make choices without her approval, that he needs to take steps to be entirely independent. as the moments stretch on, he thinks it’s fair. he understands, and if she can’t accept this about him ( oh god, there’s so much worse she might need to accept) then he doesn’t want to live with her anyway.
“okay,” he agrees, but it still stings.
he doesn’t have an apartment, and he doesn’t know what to do, so he calls the first person he thinks of-- the first place he would want to go in a situation like this: ha sungwoon.
he doesn’t hesitate as long as he should. he calls, and when sungwoon picks up, he resists the word sorry on the tip of his tongue. “so, i told my mom about the band. she wants me out of the house today. do you guys...have space for me on your couch?”
-- after --
it’s not as bad as it could be. it’s not as bad as he expected, daniel, always expecting the worst. the empty enigma members are still his best friends, and they still assure him that it’s no trouble-- still welcome him with open arms, and he claims he isn’t upset. he doesn’t think he is, but he knows he needs them, anyway.
it’s not even as bad with sungwoon as it could be. maybe they’ve gotten their awkwardness out of their system, as much as they tried to play it off like nothing was wrong in front of the other guys to avoid questions. he doubts they succeeded, given the sheer amount of concern for sungwoon daniel has been unable to shake since his birthday, trying to tiptoe the line of taking advantage of his feelings and treating him the same as he did before. by the time he’s sleeping on his couch, though, things feel almost normal, or he can delude himself into thinking so.
kenta helps him with apartment hunting, and minhyun makes sure he’s eating well, and jihoon offers his own form of support, in his typical nonchalant jihoon way, or maybe daniel just finds the consistency he brings comforting in a time of such turbulent change.
he still feels that weight on his chest, though unveiling his secrets to his mother provided some relief. maybe it’s spending so much time around sungwoon that makes it progressively harder to breathe, or the ever-present fear that he’s overstaying his welcome with his friends, or his sudden dissatisfaction with the song he’s practiced for the triple threat challenge, on top of everything else, but eventually he just needs to speak. minhyun becomes his unfortunate victim, and he tells him everything-- not naming names, of course, and the burden becomes easier to carry when it’s shared with someone else. he’s grateful.
still, he considers backing out of the triple threat challenge altogether. he just doesn’t know if he’s up for it, and yet there’s some tiny flame in his soul that craves the stage again, as daniel, away from empty enigma and his storm of feelings and fears surrounding them. so, he does what’s natural: overhauls his performance and starts preparing a new song five days before the performances.
he doesn’t have anything against empty enigma; he loves them with all of his heart, actually, but he’s introverted, and spending so much of his time around four other guys takes its toll, not even considering the one that’s in love with him whom he himself has undetermined feelings for (???). he wants to perform without them, and this seems like his best chance.
so he’ll do it, and he’ll do it with confidence, throwing caution to the wind.
-- after --
even with all of the performers preceding him, and their talent, he isn’t shaken. it’s different from the mgas; he doesn’t feel so out of his element here, though he’s far from a triple threat. he never claimed to be, and he won’t. instead, he feels oddly settled-- ready, even as he cheers for joohyun and tries to maintain his composure during her performance. he sees other familiar faces too, both among the performances and those who haven’t performed just yet.
they call him up to wait backstage, and he does, trusty guitar hung over his shoulder, fingers tapping on the body of it, without a pick-- just him, his guitar, and his voice. just daniel, though maybe he’ll bring a little bit of cameo too.
he’s up next, and he strides onto the stage, and grins when he looks out over the crowd. empty enigma’s venues are always smaller-- darker lit. this is more reminiscent of the mgas, and he feels at home instead of daunted (though maybe still a little daunted.)
“i’m kang daniel,” he greets. again. do you remember me? he wouldn’t be surprised if no one remembers, but he hopes they do. “this is an ed sheeran song.” he’ll leave the title as a mystery for now.
he starts strumming, a quiet sound, and launches into the rhythmic singing-rapping style:
cause with the lyrics i'll be aiming it right
i won't stop until my name's in lights
with stadium heights, with damien rice
on red carpets, now i'm on arabian nights
because i'm young i know my brothers gonna give me advice
you need me, i don’t need you is a song with more spunk than daniel originally thought he was cut out for. who is he, someone no company has need of, to stand on stage and claim ‘you need me, i don’t need you?’ no one, really. he doesn’t know if he means it, though he doesn’t think he does need a big company to love music and succeed with it. empty enigma may be far from a famous, fortune-producing band, but they have their fans, and they have their heart in it, and that’s what matters to him. that’s what he wants to pursue, more than anything, and the longer he practiced this song, the more he believed it, even with all of its references he didn’t always understand-- even with its rapid-fire english that sometimes still felt more comfortable to him than korean.
but still, there’s very little time to breathe.
long nighter, right height and i gone hyper
never be anything but a singer-songwriter, yeah
the game's over but now I'm on a new level
watch how i step on the track without a loop pedal
he made small alterations to the lyrics during the preparation process to reflect him more, kang daniel, so it felt believable, because the song is nothing if not genuine. at it’s core, it’s about staying true to yourself, about not changing for others, and maybe he needed to perform this song instead of the one he practiced before it because it’s so relevant. it’s for his mom, and anyone that would look down on him for loving music, not just something cheeky to sing to tiger jk’s face, though that’s an added bonus. (maybe, once the familiar performance bravado fades, he’ll feel embarrassed. maybe the gall will disappear, and he’ll be left with that even more familiar, ever-present fear. for now, he doesn’t feel it.)
people think that i'm bound to blow up
i've done around about a thousand shows but
i haven't got a house plus i live on a couch
so you believe the lyrics when i'm singing them out
wow, from day one i've been prepared
with V05 wax for my silver hair
so now i'm back to the sofa giving a dose of
what the future holds
again, the relevancy. it’s only fitting he sing-raps a song about living on a couch while literally doing so, and that he can sing this is evidence of his growth. he says silver hair, a reference to cameo, his still ultimately secret empty enigma stage persona, with ease, something that would’ve paralyzed him with fear around six months ago. for him, what the future holds is empty enigma’s album, and if this performance is at all impressive, they’re so much stronger together.
i’ve still got a rucksack full of old clothes, i rap with the cold flows
i’m back with the old jokes, in fact you don’t know ‘em
tracks that throw blows and make my punchlines relevant
if you can’t keep up you’re getting on my ???
my flow’s developing, skin lacks the melanin
give me a shot of adrenaline and i get it in
do it for the hell of it
‘cause ever since i hit the mainstream with team c i seem to sell a bit
yes, do it for the hell of it, like he’s doing this, right now. he wrote in a reference to his first team on the mgas, too-- team c, perhaps the only team that didn’t come up with a special team name that first week, replacing ed sheeran’s original mention of his first single, the a-team. it seemed only fitting, if this song is about his journey now, too, and he wants it to be so.
i took my ??? back with the women
then i package the image
put in some content, then i sold it back as a gimmick
the fact is this
end up dating actresses
wake up on dirty mattresses
i think i need to practice this
this is the part of the song he can’t relate to as much, because as flirtatious as he is when cameo is on stage, and in the after-parties after, he does not wake up on dirty mattresses (except for that one time.) he didn’t rewrite it though, instead, keeping it in to keep the rhythm the same, and because it just seemed to suit the song. it wasn’t worth changing.
the song is so fast, he doesn’t get a moment to rest from it, his mouth spitting line after line one after another. when he first started practicing, his tongue felt heavy in his mouth, like he was having an allergic reaction, and maybe he isn’t really a good enough rapper for this. maybe he didn’t give himself enough time to practice (though he already knew the song well before he even considered performing it, so that helped). in the end, it’s fun, and that’s what matters most.
the next part might be his favorite:
but i make shit happen, call me a laxative
world’s on my shoulders, i don’t even know what atlas is
hot bars sharp like the cactus is
i’m back to rapping back to back ‘cause i’ve been practicing
i’m baptizing this
if only because he gets to say shit in front of tiger jk, and he will bear the consequences, should they come. he’s already censoring the song further down the line, and if he’s going to be ballsy enough to sing this song in the first place, he’ll be ballsy enough to sing the word shit, damn it. the whole world was on his shoulders before he stepped on this stage, but he feels lighter now, suddenly, and he’s been practicing too. rapping wasn’t a skill he really knew he possessed until now, but one he found himself enjoying, and dare he say, with a natural knack for. maybe some of that empty enigma screaming transferred over, and he wouldn’t be daniel without some reference to christianity, would he?
finally, the chorus comes, and it’s the closest thing to a break he gets, returning to the more familiar comfort of all out singing.
cause you need me, man, i don’t need you
you need me, man, i don’t need you
you need me, man, i don’t need you at all
you need me, man, i don’t need you
you need me, man, i don’t need you
you need me, man, i don’t need you
you need me, man, i don’t need you, no
it’s the first time he sings the words, and what the guitar crescendoed to up until now, and he keeps a confident, borderline smug look on his face-- tries to look toward tiger jk and make eye contact. if he’s going to do it, he might as well sell it. he’s heard the ceo appreciates boldness. maybe he’ll entertain him, at the very least. or maybe the ceo will think it’s massively disrespectful. time will tell.
i'll keep my last name forever, keep this genre pretty basic
gonna be breaking into other people's tunes when i chase it
and replace it with the elephant in the room with a facelift
slipping into another rapper shoes using new laces
i'm selling CDs from my rucksack aiming for the papers
selling CDs from my rucksack aiming for the majors
nationwide tour with just jack, still had to get the bus back
clean cut kid without a razor for the moustache
another opportunity for him to change the lyrics to something to better suit him, because he admittedly doesn’t know what just jack is. his guess is a band that ed sheeran toured with, but he couldn’t come up with something that suited both himself and the song, so he kept it. empty enigma hasn’t done a nationwide tour, anyway; they’re all just big dreams. they’ll still just be selling cds from a rucksack and aiming for the majors.
i hit back when the pen hurts me
i'm still a choir boy in a thin church tee
i'm still the same as a year ago
but more people hear me though
according to the naver and youtube videos
lyric changes this time: fenchurch to thin church, taking a brand name he didn’t understand to something that reflects his background, and how his first real introduction to music was in church-- how he first sang in a church choir and his mom only let him listen to christian music for the longest time. he changed myspace to naver, something more time-relevant and daniel relevant. a year ago was before he set foot on the mgas-- before he even knew he loved music, while he still wasn’t even sure if he loved empty enigma. he still thought it was all a phase, and something he’d escape from, eventually returning to a life of safety and monotony. even with the events of 2019, he’s still glad for that year of difference. he’s thankful.
the guitar all but cuts out, nothing but daniel’s voice and a few accents from strings for the next part:
i'm always doing shows if I'm not I'm in the studio
truly broke, never growing up, call me rufio
melody music maker, reading all the papers
they say i’m up and coming like i'm effing in an elevator
ah yes, there it is: the elevator line, something he would not have the courage to sing by himself in the bathroom, let alone on stage in front of tiger jk and at least 100 people, were it not for the power of cameo. with this extra bravery, he sings it casually, as if it’s the same as the other hundred lines he’s spit. what’s more important: he’s been working his ass off for music, as the lyrics suggest, and he’ll find fulfillment in that, with or (preferably) without trc’s help, that much is certain.
in comes the final hit of the chorus, the figurative sigh of relief and sign of his two minutes up on stage, jam-packed with content, coming to a close. it’s the explanation point on the end of a performance he poured his heart into, both now and leading up to this.
'cause you need me, man, i don’t need you
you need me, man, i don’t need you
she’s humming to herself lightly, eyes scanning the stands table at the different assortment of keychains scattered about for purchase, and she can’t help the way her lips fall into a slight pout— normally, heejin wouldn’t pay much mind to small knickknacks or souvenirs like this ( small things were easily lost, the youngest jeon tending to misplace things without meaning to ), but she’d promised her sister she’d bring her back something from today while she was with jaehyun. so, when he’d told her he’d be right back, she figured it’d be a good time to get her sister something.
she’s glad the stand isn’t too crowded now, being able to take her time, and she reaches for two different keychains to compare. looking to her right for a moment, she figures she may as well get a second opinion, using a finger to give the boy next to her a poke on the arm. she holds them to him slightly, a brow raised. “if you had to choose, which of these would you pick?”
they sit by themselves in a spot of the room although they’re also surrounded by people. minseok didn’t get a lot of free time to go to the center due to his training schedule, but even after spending the day practicing, the boy still felt happy that they have a dance lesson to offer — and the songs to choose from are also very fitting of his interest.
“thank you for coming with me.” the smaller boy stretches his legs by reaching towards his feet. it’s not that long of a journey but it serves its purpose. minseok had already visited the area with jiwoo and after not being able to spend much time there, decided to invite jihoon to come with him the day after. they’ve known each other for long now, and he always had the advantage when it came to dancing ( and also made sure to show it off during their game times ). choosing the other to join him only came naturally. “are you excited, too?”
venue rehearsals for a stage like this aren’t too dissimilar to rehearsals for music show appearances, from what he can tell from his admittedly very limited experience. it’s not been too long since they last stood on stage like this and definitely no longer than what feels like half a second since they last performed mansae, so he feels relatively comfortable with everything happening in his immediate vicinity. outside of his protective bubble, however, he’s reminded of all the trainee and staff eyes watching him, knowing that he’s an idol now and has a reputation to uphold. feeling jihoon’s arms wrap around his bicep brings him back down to earth, though, calms his racing thoughts as they stand backstage after the mr chu rehearsal. the wait until they perform their own tracks feels like it’ll never end, the seconds ticking by slowly even as he bops his head to the loud beat of eclipse’s debut song.
( he hasn’t said anything because he’s sure convex members — definitely jihoon, since he was in kt — know the eclipse girls and he’d rather save himself the embarrassment of them finding out he’s a fanboy, but he hasn’t stopped listening to the album since it came out. )
“you doing okay? they really did follow through on their promise about the stage being covered, huh... I was a little worried coming over here that someone would get hurt again.” he admits, a blush to his cheeks. “this whole event is really... big, isn’t it? but we can handle it; we’re convex.” his teasing comes with a bright smile. “more importantly, though, we’re jicheol — ready to take on the world at a moment’s notice! right?”
With Convex making their debut, it was getting more and more difficult to see any of the guys that Seulgi had gotten to know over their time at Sphere. This was probably by design by the company, but it still felt weird that they didn’t get to see each other all the time like they had before. That being said, when she did get the opportunity in the cafeteria to see one of them, she was going to take the opportunity to say hi.
“Jihoon! Hi!” Seulgi said, approaching him to say hello to the guy she had gone to high school with. Granted, they didn’t really know each other well, but it was still nice to see him around, especially after not seeing him for a bit. “How are you doing? Living the idol life now, huh?” she gave him a bright smile, happy that they’d have this chance to talk. “Is it everything you were hoping for it to be?” she hoped so, she didn’t know if she would ever have her time to debut, but she hoped it was worth it.
Congratulations for finally debuting, Jihoonie! Or should I call you Jace now? LOL. To all those who got Jihoon banners from me last night, thank you so much! Please keep on supporting Jace and the rest of CONVEX! @jiho0nzzy
If you end up with Jace PCs, please send me a message. His mother would like to trade the one she got for Jace’s PCs. Thanks!
Hold on girl, don’t ever
fall for someone else
I’m gonna get jealous
Hold on girl. From now on,
I’m gonna call you mine
Convex’s perfectly mastered vocals blare into one wired earbud for the fourth time that evening. He can’t get the single out of his head, because it’s good, because it’s so good, and he hates it. There is no sign on his face that he can even hear the music playing in his ear, though it’s loud enough to seep through wired parts and plastic. Instead he sits, on the edge of his chair, knee bouncing nervously as he flips through fifty pages of familiar faces painted in the technicolor shades of burgeoning fame.
His face is unreadable to most who don’t know him well enough to see the envy leaking out of the corners of his expression the way his music leaks out of his headphones, just like his face was unreadable when he stood in line at the nearest music store, staring at their poster on the wall, accidentally tattooing every line and curve of it onto the back of his eyelids, the way the end of the X topped a perfect invisible plane that led straight to the tip of Barom’s nose. Then he slid the album across the counter, handed the cashier his card, returned her obligatory thank you with his own polite smile and nod of his head. Ah, so handsome, she’d said with a chuckle that was undoubtedly meant to be encouraging, as she bagged his copy of Boys Will Be in something crinkly and pink, you should audition for their company, you could be an idol like them...
“Do you want these?” he finally breaks his determined, scrutinizing trance to look up at Heehyun with a twisting purse of his lips that somehow gives away everything hiding behind his eyes in spite of his best efforts, offering her the pair of glossy photo cards that had just slipped from between the pages of the album, one Jace and one Taeyong.
