#jkrant

[jabberz]

I’m starting to see a pattern. I can’t heal or get better, if I keep letting people drag me down. Sure I have to battle with depression everyday, but why bother doing things or being around people who make it worse? It’s just not gonna help me get better any faster. The counselor did tell me to stop worrying about other people and do what’s right for me. Maybe it’s time I did.

[jabberz]

Novocaine for my soul.

It’s hard to put feelings into words sometimes. Mostly because it hurts to try and fully face what they mean. Being told 100 times that you are loved and important doesn’t matter if 100 times you get proved wrong not by words alone, but actual actions. Lies help ease the pain.

“We should hang out more.” *Never invites you to do anything and barely speaks to you* (They’re just busy right?)

“I think you’re really nice and your advice is helpful.” *Never tells you when something is wrong, but gets offended when you’re struggling but don’t wanna open your soul or they never ask* (They just care right?)

“You’re fun to talk to and be around lol.” *Sees them active in other places and having fun, but realizing it’s more fun than you’ve been a part of in a long time if ever.* (It’s nothing to worry about right? You’re fun too, just... not today...)

“I really hope we’re together forever. <3″ *They slowly leave you behind and either A. never talk to you again or B. any sort of friendship their used to be goes up in an impressive flaming explosion that leaves you both damaged* (...so much for forever...)

See... lies. Ease the pain. 

It’s easier to say, “I’m fine” (than admit you’re dying because that weakness is vulnerability and if you open up, you can get hurt.)

It’s easier to cheat on a lover (than admit to them you’ve found someone you like more and break it off healthily before things escalate.)

It’s easier to feed yourself lies (than admit painful truths.)

The only problem is lies are like painkillers. The longer you’re on them, the more you need to get the same effect. The more dependent you become and the more you ignore the problems that underlie. Eventually, you start to wither and die, but you ignore it because you’d rather live in a beautiful lie than a painful truth. Finally... one day it’s too much. No matter how many lies you try to feed yourself the truth refuses to be silenced and screams nonstop for hours and there is nothing you can do, but face it. However, you spent so long running you forgot how to fight it and though some may try to help you, it’s too late. Your condition is black and critical with near 0% chance of recovery. So now it’s up to you. Do you accept truth and live on in a beautiful miserable lie? Or do you accept truth and move on hoping next time won’t be as painful? There is no right or wrong answer. Only painful hope, or hopeful pain.

[jabberz]

It's kinda weird but... I'm tired of meeting people who just got interested in me because of my art or because they think my background or life story is interesting or anything else... just to either want me to do something for em, whether that be drawing a picture or giving them a picture of my cock like... that's cool and all but what happened to all the genuine nice peeps out there? That's why I get so attached to the ones I have. Because it doesn't matter if I'm not in the mood or feel unproductive, they just love me for me. I know I should stop making excuses and just try to live my own life, but it still hurts to be left behind by friends whether they were good or bad ones.

[jabberz]

When in doubt, tune it out. Sometimes fantasy > reality.

[jabberz]

Spoiler alert, I’m still a broken and depressed lil dude on the inside. Always trying so hard, but hurting all the time. I just want love, but how can I expect someone to love me when I can’t love myself?

[jabberz]

Normally if someone compliments you, it’s supposed to be flattering and make you feel good right? However if you’re fucked up and traumatized enough like me and someone compares you to someone else even in a positive way...

I’m not always in control of my emotions, I tend to try and isolate when that happens, but... in this case...

I had nightmares all night of blending and heart-aching situations.

Why aren’t you more like them? - X

Or why can’t you be more like him? - Mom

Why am I never good enough? - Me

I wouldn’t have to mess around behind your back if you were good enough. Maybe just maybe if you were everything I wanted you to be I would treat you better. - Ex

It’s not true. It’s not what they meant... I think. But it makes my heart blend all the colors... into a murky rainbow black.

It makes me want to abandon my feelings and toss people away.

To go very far away with my dumb little heart that cares too much and loves too deep for it’s own good.

I want to leave... and learn to be happy, in my own little bubble of the universe.

Just for me. Is that fucked up or what?

Well I don’t care. *sigh* I always say stay hopeful and look for the good in people. Why is that such a rare thing? No wonder monsters and demons are always trying to wipe us out, hell we kill each other and ourselves more than any other creature. The universe might be trying to say something.

[jabberz]

When life gets you down, when you start to drown in nothing good as far as you can see, think of me, and think of what could be, then don the rock and rave as hard as you can, bleed from the eyes and see then, whatever you despise is dirty and insignificunt.

[jabberz]

Sucks when you supposedly have plans, but they never work out. They say it's never too late, but man feels like if it's me it is.