Nov 18, 2021
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hello old bestie
I think I left in what? 2018? here it is 2021 (the end of it really) and I am returning back to a place I used to hide and truly be myself. I love how no one cares about tumblr except those that care about tumblr. I true community of nothing and no one to dm your thoughts and gossip about what you posted. this will be so much fun and when it is exposed one day it will be even better lol. I am so glad to be back home. this is about to be fun.
cold, fall days like this just makes me miss those simple times in my jester dorm. I can still feel and remember what it smelled like. Not a bad smell, but a certain smell that clearly defined freshman year. now i am almost finished with my senior fall semester, depressed and no longer in tune with who i used to be. that girl who lived in jester is so different from the girl today. i miss her.
A Plea for Eros
Contentment in love usually goes unquestioned. Still, I don't think enduring love is rational any more than momentary flings. I have been married to the same man for fifteen years, and I can't explain why he still attracts me as an erotic object. He does, but why? Shouldn't it all be worn out by now? It is not because we are so close or know each other so well. That solidifies our friendship, not our attraction. The attraction remains because there's something about him that I can't reach, something strange and estranging. I like seeing him from a distance. I know that. I like to see him in a room full of people when he looks like a stranger, and then to remember that I do know him and that I will be going home with him. But why he sometimes strikes me as a magical being, a person unlike others, I can't tell you. He has many good features, but so do other men who leave me cold as a stone. Have I given him this quality because it is efficient for me, or is it actually in him, some piece of him that I will never conquer and never know? It must be both. It must be between us-an enchanted space that is wholly unreasonable and, at least in part, imaginary. There is still a fence for me to cross and, on the other side of it, a secret. -Hustvedt, S. (2006)
I created my own hurt. now I have to be the creator of my own happiness.
Spring 2018
For Spring 2018, I want to have more free time doing the things I love. I spent the Fall semester really putting myself out there and moving out of my comfort zone (I planned an entire event with a Freshman shadow for 500 guests!!!) This semester, I want to take time putting all the effort I put into other projects on projects that will elevate my dream of being a Beauty Influencer.
My three goals for Spring 2018:
> Stay ahead in class, don't fall behind. (because I'm quick to just slack off and be lazy when I find the chance lol)
> Attend more free beauty events in Austin (Because this city is huge and full of free opportunities!)
> Give myself time to grieve my mother. (because I have buried myself in my work and goals to avoid my mind from thinking about it which is okay sometimes, but I need to allow myself to heal emotionally and not avoid it.)
I realized that to restore that closeness with my colleagues that has always been so important to me, I needed to let them in. And that meant being more open and vulnerable than I ever wanted to be. I told those I work with most closely that they could ask me their honest questions and I would answer. I also said it was okay for them to talk about how they felt.
https://www.facebook.com/sheryl/posts/10155617891025177:0)
wow. not my words - but my words. 11.27.2017