Crudity At Its Finest
Mario is famous for making dark jokes and dirty jokes in front of Luigi. And while Luigi enjoys them once in a while, he is nervous that Mario's gonna make crude mistakes he can't take back. One day...Mario says a dirty joke to the most innocent person they know...And Luigi is horrified.
⚠️Trigger Warning: Some crude humor is used in this fanfic.⚠️
And if the Nintendo characters seem very out-of-character in this one, then I apologize. This fanfic was just a funny idea I've had in my head for some time. Despite that, I hope you enjoy!
Ever since the boys were little, Mario and Luigi were somewhat opposites in many ways. Luigi was more like his mother, while Mario was more like his father. Luigi was more timid and shy, while Mario was outspoken and assertive. Luigi was more careful, while Mario was more reckless. Mario fit in with the rest of the boys, while Luigi seemed to prefer being part of the girls group. The list really goes on with these two.
Another rather lesser-known example of these contrasting differences? Their maturity. Mario was more playful and immature, while Luigi was a bit more mature in his thinking. Or…at least when it comes to dirty jokes or dark jokes.
It usually went like this: Mario tells a dirty/dark joke, Luigi usually gives him a warning while trying not to laugh at the joke himself. Mario catches him laughing and teases him about it, Luigi rolls his eyes and they continue on with life. Though Luigi does enjoy the occasional dark or dirty joke, there had to be a limit and unfortunately, Mario was the master of pushing Luigi past his limit.
Luigi could remember a time when Mario had made several dark jokes in front of him while they were just casually hanging out at the house. Luigi was sitting in the room, watching TV while Mario was looking at something on his phone. Luigi didn’t really know what Mario had been looking up. So when Mario had turned his head towards him, he expected Mario to say something casual or ask a question.
“Hey Luigi.” Mario said.
“Yeah, Mario?” Luigi replied.
“What did Kermit say at Jim Henson’s funeral?” Mario asked.
Luigi looked down slightly, trying to think. “I don’t know. Probably something heartfelt.” Luigi replied.
Mario smirked. “Actually…” Mario sighed. “Kermit said nothing…” Mario replied, keeping the smirk on his face as he waited for Luigi to understand the joke.
Luigi looked at Mario, confused. “Why wouldn’t he say anything at the-” Luigi widened his eyes and gasped as he covered his mouth. “OH NOOO!” Luigi shouted, visibly horrified.
Mario wheezed and laughed. Luigi’s reaction alone was enough to make a person die laughing. “Thahat took a bit! I’m surprised!” Mario reacted.
Luigi looked down, embarrassed. “That one’s depressing, Mario.” Luigi admitted.
“Okay, okay.” Mario cleared his throat. “My grandfather says I’m too reliant on technology.” Mario told him.
Luigi looked at him. “...Well, he’s not wrong.” Luigi admitted.
Mario chuckled. “I called him a hypocrite and uhunplugged his lihihiFE SUPPOHOHORT!” Mario bursted out laughing mid-sentence, slapping the side of the bed as he cackled.
Luigi dropped his jaw and stared at him, dumbfounded. “I-I- NO!” Luigi shouted. “JUST NO!”
Mario shook his head and put his index finger up to get Luigi to give him a minute. “IHIHI’M SOHOHORRY! IHIHI’M SOHORRY, Hohold on…” Mario let out a few breaths as he calmed himself down rather quickly. “Here’s a more light-hearted one for you.” Mario cleared his throat. “Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face.” Mario said.
“Oh gosh, I know where this is going.” Luigi replied as a little smile grew onto his face.
“For instance, when you push them down the stairs!” Mario declared.
Luigi hung his head and laughed, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “Gohohod dahahammit.” Luigi laughed a bit louder, tipping his head back. “Yohohou’re not wrohong.” Luigi admitted.
Mario smirked and highlighted another dark joke on his phone. “You know the phrase ‘one man’s trash is another man’s treasure’?” Mario asked with a smirk.
“Uh huh…I do.” Luigi said with a small smile.
“Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted!” Mario declared.
Luigi gasped and covered his mouth so he could stop the stupid, inappropriate smile that was growing on his lips. “NOOO! Dude, that’s horrible!” Luigi reacted.
“Don’t be acting like I didn’t see that smile. You liked it.” Mario teased.
“N-No I didn’t!” Luigi argued very unconvincingly.
“Come on…” Mario poked his side as a smirk quickly grew on his face. “Dirty jokes are like a kid with CANCER! THEHEHEHEHEY NEHEVER GET OHOHOLD!” Mario declared, cackling almost like a madman by this point.
Luigi eyebrows made the man look visibly worried…but don’t let that convince you he was truly so offended by his brother’s jokes. Because the smile that grew on his face told Mario everything he needed to know…Because no matter how dark the jokes are, and no matter how much Luigi wants to deny it, a few of those jokes had successfully made him laugh.
Though dark jokes were wonderfully hilarious, Mario was best known for his inappropriate timing on dirty jokes. Back in high school, Mario said the words ‘That’s what she said’ more often than he said the word ‘The’. It both horrified, and amused Luigi all at once.
But there was one specific time Luigi could easily recall, when Mario had watched a dirty joke on a video on his phone screen. Thankfully, it was just the two of them in the house…cause if Mama Mario had heard such things on Mario’s phone while in her house, she would’ve definitely used the pasta server on him.
Mario had been going through youtube videos, and happened to come across this specific video. It was of a girl with brown hair, wearing a darker outfit while talking to the viewer. Luigi happened to look over just in time to see the video pop up to play. She said the following:
“If you can’t beat your trauma, you should fetishize it instead. For example, I almost drowned when I was a kid, and now I can only c*m when I am being waterboarded.”
Luigi dropped his jaw and stared at Mario’s phone. But he quickly looked at Mario the moment he heard a little titter coming from his mouth.
“Don’t…” Luigi warned.
Mario was holding his breath, trying to not laugh. He seemed to take on Luigi’s order like a challenge. “Pfft…” Mario accidentally let out, covering his mouth.
“MARIO, NO.” Luigi warned again.
Mario kept staring at Luigi with chipmunk cheeks and the most mischievous look in his eyes you could ever see.
“Mario.” Luigi warned again.
“Pffft-”
“MARIO.”
“Pffftahahaha-” Mario threw his head back. “HAHAHAHAHA!” Mario cackled, flopping his back onto the bed.
Luigi sighed and covered his face, both annoyed and disappointed by his brother’s inappropriate humor. “You are awful at hiding your amusement.” Luigi muttered. Mario had started snorting by this point. “Ihihi *snort* Ihihihi knohohow.” Mario admitted.
Luigi shook his head before smiling and chuckling a bit himself. The truth was, he didn’t mind dirty jokes either. Some of them were funny. So technically, it wasn’t just Mario that had this humor. Luigi, and the person on the video, all had the same humor as Mario.
But the first time Peach would hear one of Mario’s dirty jokes…was a time Luigi will never forget.
Mario and Luigi had been hanging out with Peach on the porch of her castle, just chatting.
“What’s your favorite drink?” Mario asked Peach.
Peach smiled. “Homemade pineapple juice.” she replied.
Luigi nodded his head. “I can just imagine how cool and savory a homemade pineapple juice would be.” Luigi admitted. “Not a lot of juices in Brooklyn are really made from true fruits.” Luigi explained.
Mario shrugged his shoulders. “Well, they are. But they’re filled with endless amounts of sugar.” Mario added.
Peach huffed. “But that ruins the true taste!” Peach reacted. “So you’ve never tried a true, savory pineapple juice?!” Peach asked.
Mario and Luigi shook their heads. “Nope.” They both replied at the same time…ya know, like twins do.
Peach sighed. “You’re not leaving this castle until you’ve tried some.” Peach told them.
Mario shrugged his shoulders. “Okay.”
Luigi smiled and took a sip of his own drink. “I like orange soda.” Luigi admitted.
Mario rolled his eyes. “Too much. The dude could drink a full case of orange soda if he was alone.” Mario added.
Peach looked at Luigi. “What is orange soda?” Peach asked.
“It’s like a Chuckola soda, but orange-flavored.” Luigi told him.
Peach chuckled. “Do you have to make the oranges laugh to get the sparkly bubbles?” Peach asked with a giggle.
Luigi blinked, showing a confused look on his face. He tilted his head, still staring at Peach. “Wha-”
Mario looked at Peach. “What are you talking about?” He asked.
Peach widened her eyes. “Oh! You don’t know how Chuckola Cola is made?” She asked.
“Th-” Luigi lowered his head, dumbfounded. “They make the fruits laugh…in order to get sparkling bubbles?” Luigi asked.
Peach nodded. “Yeah.” She replied. “I know it probably sounds confusing because…you don’t have anything like that in Brooklyn.” She replied.
“Does it involve using grabon?” Mario asked, sounding super casual about it.
Luigi tilted his head and looked at Mario, before widening his eyes and rubbing his forehead. Oh no…This is another one of his stupid dirty jokes…and he was seriously going to use the trick on Peach.
Peach looked at Mario and tilted her own head, confused. “G-Grabon?” She asked.
Mario smirked brightly and pointed at Peach. “GRAB ON THESE NUTS, GIRL!” Mario shouted, cackling loudly.
Luigi sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “Mario…” Luigi mumbled.
Peach just stared at Mario…purely dumbfounded by Mario’s statement. “...N-Nuts?” Peach asked.
Mario’s laughter lessened super dramatically…before looking at Peach with shock. “W-Wait…You don’t…” Mario paused his words.
Peach raised an eyebrow. “I…Which nuts are you talking about?” Peach asked. “And who in the right mind adds nuts to their chuckola cola?!” Peach asked, sounding almost offended.
Mario tittered and covered his mouth. “Yohohou seheriously have no idea what I’m talking about…” Mario clarified.
Peach blinked. “...Am I supposed to?” Peach asked him.
Mario wheezed and doubled over, laughing even more when he saw Peach’s stupefied face. “OHOHOHO MYHYHY GOHOHOD!” Mario shouted.
Peach frowned and narrowed her eyes at Mario. “I don’t like being kept in the dark.” Peach told Mario.
Luigi bit his lip and scratched the back of his head. “I…I can explain it to you if you want…” Luigi offered.
Mario snapped his neck moving it to see Luigi. “AHARE YOU-” Mario cleared his throat and smirked. “I wanna see this. I wanna see you give Peach ‘the talk’.” Mario teased.
“Well…for one, it was a dirty joke. You see…” the man started.
Luigi took a bit of time to explain what the penis was, and what the scrotum, the testicles, and the rest of the male reproductive anatomy was supposed to be called. He did his best considering he lacked a chart..but thankfully, it seemed like Peach was understanding it. Actually…she weirdly seemed invested in the conversation. And…seeing Peach able to handle such subjects, actually helped Luigi in explaining the explicit subject.
“So…Another phrase guys like to use to represent the scrotum and the testacles themselves, is…‘nuts’.” Luigi said.
Peach nodded her head. “Wait…So…” Peach pointed to Mario. “You said…Grab on these-” Peach gasped and covered her mouth. “I GET IT!” Peach reacted, clapping her hands like a child. “I get it! I understand my first dirty joke!” Peach reacted. “And as much as I would love to…” She looked at her nails. "I can't. But thanks for the offer~" Peach teased rather inappropriately, looking towards Mario out of the corner of her eye with a proud smirk on her face.
Mario choked on his drink and wiped his face with his sleeve. WHAT?! DID SHE JUST SAY THAT?!
Luigi couldn’t help the laugh that left his own mouth as he heard Peach. “Wohohow! I’m surprised at you, Princess!” Luigi reacted as he glanced over at Mario. “Not such an innocent princess now, huh-” Luigi teased, pausing his words part way to titter and giggle at Mario’s face.
Mario was looking down, using his hat bill to cover up his bright red face! Mario looked like he was ready to burst from embarrassment! “I’m…I’m sorry.” Mario muttered. “That’s not…”
Peach smirked. “What’s wrong, Mario? Didn’t expect such an answer from a SwEeT, iNnOcEnT Princess?” She teased before lifting up his hat slightly to properly see his face. Mario awkwardly looked up at Peach, looking like a super flustered, awkward guy whose joke had severely backfired.
Which…That IS what happened. His joke backfired, and now THEE Princess Peach, was making dirty jokes back at him! And IT WAS WORKING!
Luigi was laughing his head off, loving every moment of this. “This is the best revenge I could ever ask for.” Luigi admitted.
Peach looked at Luigi. “What do you mean?” She asked.
Luigi laughed. “He’s been making dirty jokes and dark jokes ever since we were able to understand them.” Luigi told her. “So much so that it’s beginning to drive me a little insane.” Luigi admitted.
Peach giggled and looked at Mario. “Since he’s now bashful and embarrassed…” Peach flicked the brim of Mario’s hat up and out of the way of Mr. Shy’s face before looking at Luigi. “Would I be allowed to put him in his place?” Peach asked the green man.
Luigi chuckled. “Yeah, go ahead! You don’t have to ask me.” Luigi told her. “If you wanna tease him or put him in his place, go ahead and do it.” Luigi told her.
Peach nodded and started tickling his sides and belly, before moving up to his ribs. “I think some tickles are in order.” Peach declared.
Mario squeaked and started wiggling around, giggling and laughing underneath her. “WAHAHAhahahaha! EEEHEHEEEK! PEHEHeheheach!” Mario laughed.
“Yeeeess, potty mouth?” Peach teased.
“Hehehehehe- NAHAHA!” Mario threw his head back as his armpits were attacked next. “HAHAHAHA- STAHAHAHAP!” Mario laughed, squeezing his arms shut.
Peach giggled. “And why would I stop tickling you, when you couldn’t even stop yourself from making those jokes?” Peach teased.
“BUHUHUT THEYHYHY’RE FUNNYHYHYHYHY!” Mario argued. “I don’t know…I’d argue that tickling people is more funny than dirty jokes.” Peach teased.
Mario shook his head. “NOHOHO IHIHIT’S NOHOT! NOHOHOT FOHOHOR MEHEHE!” Mario argued.
“Oh really~?” Peach asked. She looked over at Luigi. “Luigi, what’s more funny to you?” Peach started. “Dirty jokes? Or your brother getting tickled?” She asked next.
Luigi giggled. “Honestly, you tickling my brother is a lot more funny than any of his dirty jokes.” Luigi admitted.
Peach smirked and looked down at Mario. “Well, would you listen to that? Luigi thinks I’m more funny than you.” Peach teased, poking up and down his ribs.
“LUIHIHIGIHIHI!” Mario cackled, before attempting to push Peach away. “HEHEHELP MEHEHEHE!” Mario begged.
Luigi smirked. “Oh? You want me…to help you?” Luigi asked.
“YEHES PLEHEHEASE! HEHEHELP MEHEHE PLEHEHEASE!” Mario pleaded.
Luigi chuckled and took off his gloves, placing them onto the chair. “Okay…” Luigi picked up Mario’s hands and lifted them above his head. “You asked for it!” Luigi declared.
“Oh, how wonderful! Thank you, Luigi!” Peach reacted, before taking Mario’s hat and placing it on her own head. “There. Now I dawn the hat of heroes!” She declared.
Mario was breathing somewhat heavily and trying —but failing— to cover up his flustered face. “Ihi’m…I’m sorry…I didn’t knohow thahat yohohou…” Mario admitted.
Luigi shook his head. “Just because I said tickling you is more fun, doesn’t mean I want you to stop making those jokes.” Luigi told him.
Peach booped his belly. “You laugh funny.” Peach admitted.
Mario snorted and grew a wobbly smile. “Staaahahap.” Mario mumbled.
Luigi chuckled. “Just wait till he snorts. Now THAT’S funny.” Luigi told her.
Peach gasped and put her hands together. “He SNORTS?!” Peach reacted.
Luigi laughed. “You bet!” Luigi replied.
“LUIGI!” Mario whined, frowning as he pulled on his arms and attempted to cover up his face.
“A lot? Or a little?” Peach asked next.
Luigi smirked as he saw Mario’s glare. “Don’t.” Mario warned, narrowing his eyes at him. “A lot.” Luigi replied proudly. “LUIGIBASTARDO-”
Luigi yelped and started tickling his neck. “Watch your mouth, fratello!” Luigi warned.
Mario’s words paused rather abruptly. “eeeEEK- NOhohohoho! *snort* EEheeheeheheee!” Mario reacted, letting out high-pitched giggles.
Peach gasped and quickly started tickling Mario’s armpits again. “AGAIN! AGAIN!” Peach declared.
“WAAAHAHAHAHAHA! *snort* NAHAHA- *snort* HAHAHAHAHA-!” Mario cackled loudly, shaking his head left and right and throwing it back occasionally to laugh even more.
“Now hohold on, Peach.” Luigi let go of Mario’s hand to lift up Peach’s right hand.
While Mario took advantage and desperately covered up both his armpits with the one arm, Luigi managed to successfully stop Peach from killing his brother. “You don’t have to tickle him so much.” Luigi let her know. “Who taught you how to tickle?” Luigi asked.
Peach bit her lip. “I’m sorry.” Peach admitted.
Luigi smiled a bit. “It’s okay. But for the future…” Luigi placed Peach’s hand onto Mario’s belly very softly. “You just have to tickle him softly.” Luigi told her. “Watch me.”
Luigi took his time teaching Peach how to gently tickle Mario using very strategic, slow finger-wiggles. He did this by showing Peach his own wiggling fingers against Mario’s neck. Peach could immediately notice how it didn’t take much for Mario’s snorts to come out, despite being tickled a lot softer than before.
When Peach understood what to do, she began to mimic Luigi’s finger wiggles almost perfectly, making Mario giggle and snort a little more in the process. “Yeah! Yeah, there you go!” Luigi reacted, stopping his own fingers as he watched her. “See?” Luigi shrugged his shoulders. “Tickling is more fun when you’re softer with your touches.” Luigi told her.
It was almost like Peach had been opened up to a whole new side of tickling. She smiled rather eagerly as she kept going, making sure not to overdo it or underdo it. It was amazing! And she loved hearing his snorts! But…one thing Peach couldn’t help but notice…was how happy and comfortable Mario seemed to be, compared to before. While seeing Mario hysterical was okay too, seeing Mario all giggly from a few finger flicks, was even better!
It was almost…cute. N-Not that Mario was cute or anything…Well, he is…but…
Peach had to push her confusing thoughts down to properly focus on what she was doing. Because trying to tickle the way Luigi had taught her, was still abnormal and new to her. She’ll need lots more practice in order for her to multitask.
But there was one thing she knew for sure: If someone says stop 3 times or taps out, then it’s time to stop and give them a break. That was ingrained into her brain her whole life. And frankly…it was good advice…especially given her track record of giving people rough tickles.
Here is the video I was referencing for the middle story.
