Slacking on posting my logs again primarily because I’m still stalling. I’ve been sticking it out with starting strength and blaming under recovery for my stalls but honestly I don’t think I’m working hard enough for that to be the problem I’m not getting hurt I’m not crazy sore the weight just isn’t moving for me anymore.
The other factor is my diet I’m ketogenic and starting that closely coincides with when my gains stopped but legit i don’t think that's it either my energy levels are good better than they ever were on carbs I’m a type 2 diabetic (the you’re a fat ass and you did this to yourself type) which puts me in the population that ketogenic is an ideal diet for I’ve been doing it long enough that I’ve adapted to the point where a tablespoon of coconut oil will give me a noticeable energy boost. My calorie intake varies between maintenance and deficit i don’t track it super close but my slow but steady weight loss i think attests to that.
The reality is probably that it’s a combination of all these factors.I’m sure eating at a surplus and adding carbs back in would translate to gains but at my body fat level that’s just not an option the most important thing for my body right now is to lose fat. Logically with my brain i know this, but emotionally with my heart I want to be stronger so bad that it hurts.
My second job is very physical and puts me in a position where my Thursdays and Fridays (my rest days) are 20 hour days but I make good money and I’m trying to get out of debt.
I’ve been listening to Jon North's Weightlifting Talk podcasts (I was wavering on what direction I wanted to go with specificity when I moved from novice to intermediate and these are giving me the weightlifting bug bad) and about a year ago he had a caller complaining about not having time to get to meets because they’re too busy with their second job I don’t remember if it was him or the co-host but the first thing out of their mouth was can you quit your second job? and that hit me right in the feels because it’s how bad do you want it are you willing to be poor if I quit my second job i could do 3 a day’s sleep nine hours a day and recover like a boss i want to do more work i want to be stronger but do i want it bad enough?
I'm 32 years old most athletic careers are ending post 30 the idea of quitting my job to pursue athletics at my age seems ludicrous and I find myself wanting some external validation I want someone to pat me on the back and say you can do it or no you don’t have a fucking chance wtf are you talking about go back to work old man, but that’s fucking bullshit I’m terrified of following my dreams and i want someone else to make the choice for me if I spend the next ten years working 2 jobs I’m going to be 42 with nothing to show for it except comfort video games a nice TV a nice car and who gives a fuck about that if I spend the next 10 years pursuing strength and power I’m going to be a 42 year old bad ass and that’s what I really want.
But do i want it bad enough? Do i want it more than I’m afraid of it. I have an open invitation to go live with my brother in northern Washington and he’s not going to charge me rent while i look for work the goal is to stay here and pay down my debt with the budget I’m on I can be out of debt by July move up their after get a non-physical job that’s not too time consuming and just go balls out on self-improvement. When i first came up with this plan that meant school but I think now it means weightlifting. But now I’m spinning mentally thinking i should just go. Tomorrow never happens life will never give me the ideal time i just have to do it. If I put my credit score before my health what kind of bullshit is that my ability to change a number on a piece of paper will not deteriorate between this year and 5 years from now but my ability to pursue strength and power and my dreams will. That feels like a no brainer but its fucking terrifying.