hi! i compiled a oneshot rec list for exo from my personal favs. i recommend checking out the oneshots and their authors for more amazing content from them that best suits you. don't forget to support them by reblogs! (also, there are a lot that contain mature themes so 18+ minors dni)
₊‧꒰ა oneshots ໒꒱ ‧₊˚
𓆩 junmyeon 𓆪
⟢ friends help each other out @cxsmicmyeon
⟢ honest @jaehunny
⟢ jealousy @lunaflowers
⟢ friends @soobadnoonecanstopher
⟢ the whale song @soobadnoonecanstopher
⟢ hard enough @writemekpop
⟢ how it starts @yeoldontknow
𓆩 minseok 𓆪
⟢ mine @yehet-me-up
⟢ ready or not @soobadnoonecanstopher
⟢ dinner date @iibonniee
⟢ love @itstheoneshot
⟢ in the morning @eomayas
⟢ lust @causekpop
⟢ the heir @byuntrash101
⟢ an uncomfortable christmas @prettywordsyouleft
⟢ cream soda @eomayas
⟢ closure @eomayas
⟢ glossy fruits @baeklooming-day
⟢ touch @yeolsmuffin
⟢ back then (when we used to) @simplyyeol
⟢ red flag @jongbross
⟢ hook, line & sinker @whimsical-ness
⟢ on the way @baeklination
⟢ silver @lucyjay
⟢ don’t go @anyamaris
⟢ office cohorts @8bityeol
⟢ take you home @ohh-baekhyun
⟢ high for this @exxxblr
⟢ mutually beneficial @breakyeol
⟢ sweet @baekluvie
⟢ goodnight n go @its-not-sof
⟢ the ugly friend @universitykpop
⟢ touch it for real @soobadnoonecanstopher
⟢ littoral @whatifexo
⟢ the bad boy’s secret @subbykboys
⟢ the wedding date, or; how to avoid the singles’ table @taeclipse
⟢sexual fantasies @justwritedreams
⟢torque @yeoldontknow
⟢the morning after @yeoldontknow
⟢all quiet @yeoldontknow
⟢what happens in paris @yeoldontknow
⟢break a sweat @breakyeol
⟢greatest gift @wonderlustlucas
⟢reckless behavior @jongbross
⟢mad? @jongbross
⟢where do I live again? @taemins-dolphin
⟢comfort zone @taexual
⟢mirror @onlylovekpop
⟢sweet,sweet relief @breakyeol
⟢the doctor will see you now @kwanisms
⟢not shy of a spark @chaecchi
𓆩 kyungsoo 𓆪
⟢squirm, baby @breakyeol
⟢across the way @kpopfanfictrash
⟢sent @j-pping
⟢give it some thought @j-pping
⟢something sweet @anyamaris
⟢childs play @exxxoblr
⟢brother @cocobutnochanel
⟢between a rock and a hard place @sooibian
𓆩 jongin 𓆪
⟢ blame it on touch @yeoldontknow
⟢it’s nothing @mybiasisexo
⟢dirty sinner @werejusttouchingeachother
⟢yes, sir @werejusttouchingeachother
⟢shut me up @werejusttouchingeachother
⟢kinktober day 1 @itstheoneshot
⟢dirty @writemekpop
𓆩 sehun 𓆪
⟢formidable @prettywordsyouleft
⟢neighbours @itstheoneshot
⟢you drive me so crazy @jongbross
⟢don’t delete the kisses @kyungseokie
⟢yes, sir @werejusttouchingeachother
⟢you @enaasteria
⟢more than a dance @gyudior
⟢pink @soobadnoonecanstopher
⟢humiliation @mybiasisexo
⟢tension @universitykpop
Credits to all creators! I know some of the @ hit the limit but your works are appreciated and loved. Thank you writers for the hard work you put into these creative writings!
Exo reacting to the boys telling him he’s whipped for you
Minseok:
He was at home and had Jongdae and Baekhyun over he was doing the laundry when Baekhyun noticed some of your clothes so he took the opportunity to tease his hyung
“Hey that y/n clothes did she make you do her laundry now,” baekhyun said teasing
“Umm yes I’m doing my laundry and I saw she left some of her dirty clothes here from the last time she stayed over so I’m cleaning it” Minseok replied unbothered
“What else does she get you doing for her? Do you buy her pads too?” Baek asked again laughing now jongdae laughing as well
“Yes I have gone to get her some of her pads why is that funny Jongdae I know you have done the same or worse,” Minseok said rolling his eyes and smiling
“Eww I will never do that it will be so embarrassing,” Baek said making gagging noises
“I will be the one laughing when it’s you that does that,” Minseok said as he walked up to the laundry room.
Miseok didn’t mind doing your laundry because he knew you did him as well, he was just being the sweet boyfriend he is and didn’t care if his members made fun of him.
Junmyeon:
He was in London with the boys for a concert and they had a few days off so they went to explore when they got to a jewelry store junmyeon saw some earrings that thought would look good on you so he went and purchased them.
“You buying her more stuff? First, it was the keychain then the red dress now earrings. She got you whipped” Baekhyun said as he stood next to his leader
“I just the she will look good with them they go perfectly with her dress,” Junmyeon said smiling
“Yeah are you her sugar daddy too you have spent so much money on her,” Baekhyun said smiling
“She deserves everything and I want to give her a little gift anyway,” Junmyeon said as he gave the guy his credit card
“I wash it was her to have you spending money on me… she has you wrapped around her fingers,” Baekhyun said walking away
Who can blame the guy who loves to spoil you he might be whipped and he’s okay with it.
Yixing:
Lay loved sharing his stuff with everyone he didn’t mind letting the guy or you grab his clothes it was something normal for him but when Sehun came to complain about his favorite jacket being missing and then later found it on your body it got Lay laughing.
“Hyung why is y/n wearing my favorite jacket? I was supposed to use it tonight I’m going out with some friends and that jacket goes perfectly with my outfit tell her to give it back” Sehun said in a whiny tone
“Sorry but she got it first you can use any other jacket you like though,” Lay said smiling
“Oh come on if it was any of the other guys you would have asked them to take it off why does she get a free pass that’s so unfair,” Sehun said annoyed
“That’s because she’s the girlfriend he can’t say no to her and what she wants she gets that’s how whipped he is for her,” Jongdae said as he was walking past the two of them
“Yeah but that’s our jacket not hers so tell her to give it back” Sehun demanded like the spoiled brat he is
“Yeah that’s not happening he doesn’t have the heart to tell her to take it off plus she has more right to his clothes than you do,” Junmyeon said when he arias to Lay’s room
“That’s not fair hyung why did you have to be so whipped for a girl they are so annoying when I get a girlfriend I won’t let her use my stuff,” Sehun said walking over to Lay’s clothes and picking another jacket
“You will be like Lay or worst Mark my words Sehun,” Jongdae said walking away
Baekhyun:
The guys were at the mall buying new clothes and Chanyeol noticed that Baekhyun had a lot of matching clothes and he automatically knew who the other clothes were for.
“Hey Baekhyun are you buying matching clothes for your little girlfriend” the tall man teased
“Yeah way,” Baekhyun asked unbothered
“Aww that’s cute I remember you said that you will never be the type of couple,” Yeol said giggling
“Yeah well she asked if I could get this so I said why not” Bakhyeun said shy
“What else does she got you to do you have matching pajamas? Or matching phone case” Yeol said as he got Kai to make fun of Baekhyun too
“I’m sure he has matching phone cases or at last a shirt that says my queen,” Jongin said laughing
“Whatever if she’s happy then that’s all that matters,” Baekhyun said with a proud grin
Baekhyun knew he was whipped but he didn’t care if you said jump he would because your happiness is all that matters to him.
Jongdae:
Jongdae was at the dance practice texting you, you have been feeling sick for the past few days so he was worried about you. when you didn’t answer his texts he was so worried he called you and the boys heard him and when he got back they didn’t waste time and started to tease him.
“Is my baby okay do you want me to bring you medicine do you want chicken soup oppa can make it for you” Sehun said trying to mimic Jongdae’s voice
“It’s okay baby I’ll cuddle you lost when I get home make sure to drink water I love you darling” Junmyeon followed
“What’s with you guys,” Jongdae asked laughing
“Oh, you know just making fun of you, since when did you become whipped?” Kyungsoo asked
“Can’t I take care of my girlfriend?” He asked
“Yeah but you take it the extra mile you treat her like a baby she has you wrapped around her fingers,” Minseok said as he laughed
“That’s not true plus if you guys had a girlfriend you wouldn’t be talking,” Jongdae said smiling
Jongdae is whipped but he was only whipped for you he would do anything to make you smile he will give up everything if you ask him to that’s how much he loves you
Chanyeol:
Everyone knows he’s whipped he writes music about you but that’s what the boys know what they don’t is that his car and house are full of your stuff. You don’t live together but someone who didn’t know you guys would think that you do. Chanyeol makes sure he haves your toothbrush, hair products, and skincare products at his place in his car he haves hair ties and your fave lipgloss, and when the guys found out they were laughing their asses off.
“WOW Chanyeol you are something else you have everything you need for your girl that’s cute,” Sehun said as he got out of the car
“Wait till you see his bathroom he has her favorite hand soap, her skincare, and other stupid girl stuff,” Baekhyun said slapping Sehun back
“Ewww she has you so whipped,” Jongin said clapping his hands
“He’s so whipped he does everything she asks him to. If she wants him to carry her purse he will it’s cute but gross” Baekhyun said as he made kissing sounds
“Yeah yeah laugh all you want I’m just being a good boyfriend and a gentleman,” Chanyeol said blushing
“You wired dude that’s what you bring but go off,” Shun said smiling
After the guys were gone he called you to complain but you also agreed with them but you liked the fact he was whipped so now he doesn’t mind it too much.
Kyungsoo:
He was in the kitchen making your favorite food when Jongin walked in and whined about what he was cooking.
“Hyung were eating that? I was hoping to eat something like chicken,” Jongin said annoyed
“I'm cooking this for y/n not for you and if you want Chicken make it yourself,” Kyungsoo said
“ Lately you have only been cooking what y/n likes but not what I like or what the boys like” Jongin complain
“Well she’s asked if I could make her some of her favorite foods and I said yes so shut it,” Kyungsoo said annoyed
“You never do what I ask you to she does have you whipped chanyeol was right,” Jongin said disappoint
“What was he right about” Kyungsoo asked as he turned around
“That every since you started dating her she has you eating from the palm of her hand,” Jongin said
“I’ll kick his ass then I’ll kick yours now leave my kitchen before I smack you,” Kyungsoo said in a fake angry tone
Yes, he was whipped but didn't care he loves you and the boys have to deal with it.
Jongin:
He hates shearing his clothes specialty his fancy expensive ones he doesn't let anyone touch them and the boys knew it but when they saw you in Jongin’s Gucci hoodie they were quick to complain
“Hey that’s not fair why does she get to wear your clothes but not us?” Sehun asked in disbelief
“Yeah what’s so good about her that she gets the privilege to use your clothes” Baekhyun followed
“She’s my girlfriend there for she gets the privilege to wear whatever she pleases,” Jongin said happily
“Every since you started dating her you become so whipped it’s like you're a whole new person,” Chanyeol said eyeing him
“Yeah she got you so whipped it’s disgusting we want the old jongin back,” Kyungsoo said laughing
“You guys are just jealous she gets to wear what you can’t so stray jealous,” Jongin said sticking his tongue out to them and walking away
He is whipped and he loves it, it makes him feel like a good boyfriend like he’s doing everything right.
Sehun:
Junmyeon was hanging out with Sehun and he noticed how you were scolding him for making a mess and not cleaning up after himself he apologized and kissed you and even made Aegyo for you he thought it was funny and cute he didn’t know Sehun had this soft side. he knew by the way he looked at you that he was so in love that he was whipped for you so what did Junmyeon do? He teased him.
“Aww Jagiya sorry I’ll clean up don’t be angry,” Junmyeon said trying to mock him
“Stop it’s not funny,” Sehun said whining
“Oh you so whipped you didn’t even try to fight back like you usually do she told you to do the dishes and you almost said Yes ma’am it's so cute how whipped you are for that girl,” Junmyeon said laughing
“I’m not whipped and I’m only doing it because she asked me nicely,” Sehun said as he rolled his eyes
“Keep denying it you and I both know how in love you are and that you will do anything she asks you to,” Junmyeon said laughing hard
Yes, Sehun was whipped but he will deny it if anyone asks him.
—Well this was trash 😸 if you like any of my work please like and reblog 💕
Hey can i get a headcanon with jongdae where the reader break up with him out of sudden, they were dating for a very long time
a/n: in this blog we love and write for jongdae. this is in no way an attempt to disrespect him or his beautiful family - please, notice that this is only fictional.
jongdae is very open minded and sympathetic
he always tries to understand the reasons someone had to do what they did
perhaps that's why it killed him when you left
he spent days, maybe weeks trying to figure out when everything went wrong
trying to understand your reasons - if you had any, cause as much as he begged you to tell him why, you never did
jongdae tried to make it work
he tried to talk you into staying, he promised he would get better
at what? he didn't know, he thought your relationship was doing just fine, but at that point he was willing to tell you anything you'd want to hear
but it killed him how you didn't even open your mouth to answer him
it killed him how you just kept repeating "please, let me go"
so he did, he let you slip through his fingers
and now nothing was the same
jongdae wasn't the smiling sunshine he used to be
he went to practice in silence, only talking to his members when needed, and then left in silence too
both junmyeon and jongin tried to talk to him, to make him feel better
gosh, even kyungsoo tried to get his friend back
but they couldn't
they couldn't because jongdae wasn't gone, he was just... lost
if he had an answer on why you left him - you, of all people; the one he loved the most -, then maybe things would be better
maybe jongdae would get the closure he craved so much
but he didn't
you went away and left him in the dark, desperately trying to find some light
but even if he did, jongdae knew it would be hard to get used to it again
he doesn't engage in any kind of toxic behavior
he might go out for drinks with minseok once or twice, but that's it
besides that, he shuts himself from the world
as in, people don't see jongdae walking around anymore
they don't hear jongdae's laugh echoing through the hallways anymore
he feels empty, and at some point it's not even because he doesn't have you anymore
he loves you enough to know that you deserve to be happy, even if it's not with him
but it's because he can't understand why
and that turns into anger after some time
not at you - never at you
jongdae gets angry exactly because he can't hate you
because even though you abandoned him, and he understands now that what you did was an abandonment, he simply can't make himself hate you
so yeah, it takes time for him to heal
time, effort, a lot of self love
you made him a mess when you left
and you'll never know how hard it was for him to clean everything up
You shivered as soon as you saw the time on the clock:you didn’t want to hangout for that much,you had to work the next day;but,most of all,you didn’t want to hangout alone at such a time.
You weren’t a superstitious person,however,you couldn’t stop thinking about the old tale of the “waltz of the ghosts” your mum used to tell you when you were a kid.
She used to say that,at 3am,ghosts leave the graveyard to “dance their waltz” by haunting humans.
They would either scare them,creep them out or,if they were lucky,just fool around to have fun.
You knew very well that nothing was true,but those thoughts didn’t help you to calm down,otherwise you started fast walking towards your house.
You walked,and walked,and walked;you walked so fast that you didn’t even notice how you dumped into a man who spilled his bottle of Soju on your coat.
“I’m so sorry” he spoke,stepping back and noticing the big stain on the brown cloth
“It’s okay,don’t worry” you smiled nicely.
You looked at him under the dim light of the night:he was quite young and really pretty,but you had to admit that something was…off?
He was pale,thin,and even tho his eyes were shining with a sweet light his aura was odd,almost sinister.
“Let me help you clean it!” he said,trying to be nice
“You don’t have to!” you replied. You didn’t care about that stain,all you wanted was to go home and slide under the warm sheets of your bed
“I insist. It’s my fault,and this coat looks expensive” he said,leading you to a nearby bar. It was small and extremely characteristic.
“I’ll handle this on my own from now on” you talked,walking to the bathroom. It took you a while before successfully get rid of that stain,but,once you were done,you came back to the front where the man was buying himself a new bottle of Soju.
“What’s your name?” He asked as soon as he saw you
“Y/n” you spoke,coldly.
“What a nice name” he smiled
“Thank you I guess. May I ask yours?” you then demanded
“I don’t have one”
At those words you furrowed your eyebrows,confused,but you didn’t insist. You were now completely creeped out by that stranger,so you decided to thank him and leave.
You crossed the road and started speed walking again,head full of thoughts as you sometimes stopped and turned around:you felt like someone was following you, but anytime you found the courage to check no one was there.
With a sigh,you shrugged your shoulders and focused on the street.
Then,suddenly,someone grabbed your arm
You turned around in fear just to notice that man again
“What are you doing here?” you demanded,shrugging his hand off
“We’re going on the same direction” he explained himself.
You didn’t answer as you started walking again. He kept following you,staying a few steps behind.
Something was wrong…he was wrong. He wasn’t just following the same direction as yours,nor he was following you. You felt haunted:his presence was different. He was there but,at the same time,he wasn’t;he was silent,light,you couldn’t even hear his footsteps.
You shivered,turning around to ask him to leave you alone;but when you did he had already disappeared.
You looked around confused,then you noticed a cloth handkerchief on the ground.
You grabbed it,noticing an embroidery on the left corner:
Kim Jongdae
32 Gwanju Street
With a sigh you collected your little finding and went on the marked place the next day,regretting it immediately.
You ended up in the local cemetery and,right in front of you,there was the headstone of the said Kim Jongdae,also known to you as the stranger who spilled his Soju on your coat.
Pairing: CEO!Jongdae x Game Designer!Reader
Genre: Fluff, Office AU
Rating: G
Summary: Rumors fly wildly over why he rejects request after request for marriage and the reason is simple: none of them are you, the quirky little developer he hired.
Word Count: 0.5k
Warnings: None
Inspired by this post.
Kim Jongdae was a notorious heartbreaker. Rumor had it he’d turned down over twenty proposals, one of which was from a princess. Those rejected swore he had a heart of ice under that charismatic mask, unfeeling and even delighting in the pain he caused. Considering how much wealth he’d amassed in the few years since starting his company, one assumed he was simply wary of gold diggers, holding out for the one who wanted him and not the money in his bank account.
But the truth was much simpler than that.
Most of the lights were out in the building. It was nearing midnight and many of the workers had gone home for the day. Yet, Jongdae knew there was always one who stayed late, obsessively working on assets for the newest project. As usual, he found you at your desk, eyes focused on your computer monitor as you worked on a character model.
“You’re doing it again.” He whispered, careful not to startle you, as he took in your disheveled hair and dark circles under your eyes. “It’s long past time to call it a day.”
“I know, Mr. Kim. But I swear I’ve almost finished the design. She moves a lot better, but it’s just—”
“You said that last time. And the time before that. It’s always something that keeps you from putting the work down.” He stepped closer and gently knocked your hands away from the keyboard and mouse. For the first time, you looked up at him.
“But I mean it this time. Just a little longer and she’ll be ready to import.”
“And then what? You’ll have to wait for everyone to come back in and look at her. There’s no reason you can’t finish tomorrow after you’ve had a good night’s sleep and a fresh cup of coffee.” You looked away, and he added softly, “Please. It kills me to see you running yourself into the ground like this.”
“I just want to do my best.”
“And you are. But you can’t continue to do that if you don’t take care of your body.” He sighed and squatted beside your chair. “I wouldn’t forgive myself if you got sick, or worse. So please? Since it’s so late, I’ll give you a ride home.”
“I don’t want to trouble you—”
“I promise you, you’re not. I’d also feel better seeing you home safely instead of taking public transportation this late.” He patted your hand and stood. “So, save your work and I’ll meet you by the elevator in five, okay?”
When you nodded and moved the mouse to the file menu, he turned and headed back to his office with a smile. Why would he accept any arranged marriage requests if none of them were you?
FORGIVENESS IS NOT A GAME - SERIES MINI-MASTERLIST
Summary:
You were just trying to forget. Forget the past, forget the pain, forget everything, and start anew. Until nine boys come rushing into your life, pulling you out of your loneliness and past traumas. But out of the nine, only one made you believe in the light of love again. Before Jongin, you were adamant about living a life that shuts out the rest of the world, content within the confines of your own bubble, but now, he makes you want to forgive – not just the world, but yourself. You realize that maybe he’s what you’ve needed all along but the question is, are you what he needs or is he just playing a dangerous game?
Author: bbhkjiexofics
Genre: romance, fluff, angst, slice of life, smut (later chapters), slow burn
Au: Idol!Au
Warnings: signs of PTSD, domestic abuse, alcohol abuse, strong language, violence, sexual content
On a night where even the air is silent
My exhausted heart can’t fall asleep
At the end of the tunnel I wandered alone
A warm breath reached me, your breath
You sigh as you close the door to your apartment after you. You are exhausted, barely taking the time to eat some dinner before falling onto your bed. It has been a horrible day. A horrible week. Month, really. Time feels off, like it is going too fast and not moving all at once. All you know, is that you are so tired.
It feels like nothing really has a purpose anymore. Why do you get up every day only to work a job you don’t even like? And all the money goes to rent, barely leaving enough for things you actually enjoy. Why bother when all you do after getting home is to sleep? Yet, you get up, you get dressed and you go to work, doing your best, every single day. Like a robot.
Every day is the same. The world feels so dull, like it has lost all its color. When was the last time you felt happy? When was the last time you felt anything but tired?
You stare at the ceiling for hours, mind and body exhausted but unable to rest as if knowing that falling asleep means having to get up tomorrow, repeating the same pattern over and over again. You toss and turn but eventually start drifting in and out of consciousness, waiting for sleep to take over.
Time passes, your room getting darker and darker until the sun has disappeared beneath the horizon outside. You let out a deep breath, your body finally allowing itself to relax with it. Finally.
A cool breeze tickles your ear, and somewhere in the back of your mind, you wonder if you forgot to close a window, but your body now feels heavy, and you are more than willing to surrender yourself to the warm embrace of sleep.
Beside you, your bed dips as if someone sat down. You want to open your eyes, but you can’t, your mind feeling like you are floating. There is a light touch to your head, a soft sensation, soothing. You know you should feel more worried, scared even, but all you feel is warmth and comfort. Are you still awake, or is this a dream?
“I’m here,” someone whispers. “You called, so I’m here.”
It isn’t possible, but you are so sure it is your brother’s voice, forever warm and comforting whenever you needed him. Still, your eyes refuse to open, and you only feel yourself falling deeper asleep. Must be a dream.
“Sleep now,” he says. And you do.
The voice is still in the back of your mind when you wake up, but no matter how hard you think, you can’t remember what he said. Your body feels light as you get out of bed, and your head no longer feels clouded. You can’t remember the last time you slept through the night without waking up.
As you get ready for the day, something catches your eye, and you frown. It is a picture you haven’t looked at in a long time, and one you were sure you had put away to avoid having to look at it. Breath catches in your throat as you pick it up, and you feel all the memories come rushing back. I miss you. So much.
It is a picture of you and your brother taken only months before he got sick. Only months before… you shake your head and put the picture down, quickly wiping away your tears. After your parents died when you were kids, he was all you had left, and now, you are alone.
Steeling yourself with a few deep breaths, you head to work. Throughout the day, you struggle to stay focused. Nothing you do feels productive, and you feel like a zombie walking around. This is why you usually don’t have the picture out; it releases all the emotions you have fought so hard to keep bottled up.
Your walk home is slow and reluctant, thinking about the picture again. Thinking about another restless night.
A face in the crowd makes you pause, heart stopping. The dark, floppy hair, the goofy, cat-like smile, and that ridiculous yellow hoodie you only got him as a joke, but he wore all the time… It can’t be.
“Jongdae,” you breathe, voice barely audible.
But he is no longer there. You look around frantically, trying to spot him in the crowd of people pushing each other around to get home faster, so sure you had seen him. Then, you feel a light brush on your hand, barely a tug but definitely there. You spin around but see no one. But there, down the street ahead of you, you see something yellow moving through the crowd.
You glance down the road you usually take home, the fastest way through the city and the way home to your bed, but you have already made up your mind, and you turn to follow the yellow hoodie. You need to make sure…
The street, you realize, is not one you have been down before despite having lived in the city for years. The houses are all colorful, so lively compared to the gray concrete you usually pass on your way home. People smile and nod as you pass them, and there are children laughing and playing in the street.
Music drifts through the air and you follow it, finding a small band of street performers by a gorgeous water fountain. People are gathered around, listening quietly with smiles on their faces. It is a slow tune, but a happy one. The singer has a gorgeous voice accompanied by a guitar and a violin. You close your eyes and let yourself get lost in the music. It feels like you have heard the song before, but you can’t remember where. Something about it makes you feel warm inside.
The song is stuck in your head the whole way home, and you find yourself humming it as you cook dinner and later as you are getting ready for bed.
That night it doesn’t take as long for your mind and body to become heavy with sleep. Just as you are drifting away, you feel the bed dip beside you again, a hand gently petting your hair. Like Jongdae would do whenever you were sick or felt bad.
“Smile,” the familiar voice says. “Every day, as often as you can. I’m always here.”
You know it is Jongdae’s voice, but it can’t be. It must be a dream again, though you wish it to be real. Don’t leave me.
You fall asleep feeling warm, the song from the streets seeping into your dreams, coloring them like a golden sunrise. And when you wake up, you feel better rested than you have in months. You feel yourself smile as you once again hum the song, and you hope the performers will be there again today.
The picture of Jongdae stands where you let it yesterday, and you pause, smiling dimming. For a second, you want to put the picture away again, but somehow you just can’t make yourself put it back in the drawer, and you leave it there.
Work that day is terrible. Your boss is unreasonable and your coworkers selfish, every single one of them. By the time you head home, you feel dead on your feet, and all you want is to crawl into bed.
Something yellow flashes in the crowd and you blink, but he’s still there. Jongdae. It can’t be him; you know it can’t be. But he’s right there!
This time he looks straight at you and smiles, the same blinding smile as always, and you want to cry. You don’t care if this means you are going crazy, you are just happy to see him again. Maybe you miss him so much that you have started hallucinating, but whatever it is, you don’t care.
He tilts his head to the side and vanishes, and you don’t think twice about following, all tiredness forgotten. This time he leads you down a street full of cozy cafés and cute shops. Antiques, books, jewelry – you can’t take your eyes off the window displays as you pass them all. How have you never been here before?
You smell it before you see it, and you pause to take a deep breath, your stomach rumbling. Sweet vanilla and freshly baked bread. A bit further down is a small bakery, the few tables it has occupied with people enjoying their pastries. Without hesitation, you enter the bakery and order the first and best thing you see along with something to drink, eager to taste their baked goods. As you think about whether to take it home to eat or not, a couple leaves one of the tables by the window, so you walk over and take a seat.
The quiet chatter of the other customers is comfortable, and you watch people walk by as you enjoy your pastry. It tastes even better than you could have imagined, and you take your time to savor it. Slowly, you feel the tension leave your body, your jaw unclenching and your shoulders relaxing. Briefly, you see Jongdae’s beaming smile reflected in the window, and you smile back. Smile for me; he always said that when you were feeling down. Smile for me.
That night you feel sleep creeping in the second your head hits the pillow, but you don’t want to sleep just yet, hoping to see him. And then you feel it, your bed dipping, and the hand on your hair.
“Keep going,” Jongdae says softly. “Every day.”
“Jongdae?” you ask groggily, but you can’t seem to open your eyes. Are you dreaming after all? It feels so real.
“Go so sleep, Amia,” he chuckles. “I’m here. Always.”
You wake up, not remembering ever falling asleep. The sunlight is bright as it peaks through your blinds, and you remember it is finally the weekend. You take your time to get dressed, enjoying your breakfast while watching the street below. The weather is good outside, the sun shining from a near cloudless sky. Lately, you have spent all of your free time holed up in your apartment, not wanting to do anything, but today you feel like doing something.
You look at the picture of you and Jongdae, and you smile. Your brother always went out of his way to make you smile. He would hate to see you waste such a beautiful day like this by staying inside.
As you step out into the street, you spot the yellow hoodie almost immediately. He winks at you before vanishing, only to appear further down the street, waving at you. You hurry after him, watching to catch up, but he keeps appearing just out of reach. Sometimes he turns to smile at you, and every time you feel like crying. You miss him so much every day and seeing him smiling at you again… it hurts, but somehow also feels reassuring. Every time he smiles, you feel the grief in your heart slowly chip away.
You find yourself in a park you didn’t even know existed. Even though it is still early, the park is full of people who are out to enjoy the sun – couples taking a stroll hand in hand, parents watching their children play, people walking their dogs. So much life all around you.
The sunlight filters down through the green treetops creating golden patterns on the path below as you follow it around the park. The crisp morning air smells of rain and sweet from the hundreds of colorful flowers planted all over. Buzzing bees and beautiful butterflies flutter about the flower fields, their wings glittering in the sun. Ahead of you, a sparkling pond breaks the path, a handful of ducks being fed by a young boy and his mother.
You take a seat by the pond, watching the sunlight reflecting off the water. A single, white swan floats serenely across the glittering water, unbothered by the ruckus of the ducks being fed. It regards you briefly but turns its head away to preen its feathers.
You close your eyes and turn your head towards the sun, enjoying the warmth on your face. As you sit there, you hear a faint rustling in the grass beside you, and it feels like someone takes your hand. When you look down, you find a small yellow butterfly sitting calmly on your hand. You smile, feeling tears well up in your eyes.
“I miss you,” you say quietly. There is no answer, but the breeze is gentle as it brushes your cheek. So much.
The swan is watching intently you when you look back up, and you wish you had something to feed it. Another time, promise.
You don’t know how long you sit by the lake, but when you eventually get up to leave, you somehow feel lighter, like you left something behind you have carried around for a long time. Something warm is blooming inside of you, you can’t quite say what it is, but something feels different.
There is a small smile on your lips as you start to head home, and the song from the other day comes to mind again. You should go back and see if they still perform there. And maybe visiting that bakery again would be a good idea for lunch, their sandwiches looked delicious. There were some books that caught your eyes as well in the small bookshop beside it. So, instead of going home, you head further into the city.
It is well after dinnertime when you finally return to your apartment. Your face feels warm after being out in the sun all day, and you are tired but… happy. The new stack of books looks right at home on your previously empty shelves, and you even bought a new frame for the picture of you and Jongdae.
You look at the picture in your hands and smile. He never could leave it alone when you were sad. Always looking out for you. Always.
That night you fall asleep right away, mind quiet and body relaxed.
You open your eyes, blinking from the sudden bright light. Could it be morning already? Standing up, you look around slowly. Everything is white for as far as you can see, and everything is covered in a misty haze. Are you dreaming?
A breeze ruffles your hair, and you turn. And there it is, the awful yellow hoodie. You can’t help but let out a choked laugh. Why did he ever wear that so much?
He is smiling like always, that reassuring smile that meant everything was going to be okay. You missed it so much.
“Jongdae,” you say, fighting against the urge to cry. “Have you been haunting me?”
Laughing, loud and bright, he shakes his head. “You always did like ghost stories. Until you had to sleep that is.”
“Hey!” you pout, remembering all the times he had to check for monsters under your bed. “I slept just fine, I just didn’t want you to be scared.”
Jongdae rolls his eyes and chuckles, letting you win like he always did. He then sighs and looks at you, serious. “Amia,” he starts, but you cut him off.
“Thank you,” you say, smiling through the tears you can no longer hold back. “You have to go now, right? But… thank you. I miss you.”
“Silly,” he smiles and ruffles your hair. “I’m always with you. Everyone who loves you, they’re with you wherever you go. In every little beautiful moment, every time you feel like you can’t go on, we’re right here with you. Even though you can’t se us, we’re here. I promise.”
“Will I see you again?” you ask, voice breaking.
“Of course,” Jongdae smiles, poking your cheek. “Just smile.”
You wake up the next morning with dried tears on your cheeks and a smile on your lips.
An angel blowing into me like the wind
The warmth I gain from you changes me
I’m not afraid anymore, because you’re by my side
Because you won’t let go of my hand
