Studying is so much easier when you're not alone
For context, I took 3 years off from studying in order to work. I was a very good student, but things were horrible at home. I was fed up of how my life was and wanted to do something to get it under control, so right after I graduated, I decided to start working. I didn't know when I would ever be able to go back to studying, I just wanted to work and get things under control.
And it did, for a while. Me working a full time job brought in extra money, things were slowly getting better. I missed school but that was okay as long as my home was okay.
Still, I've tried to go for higher education before. I filled out multiple applications in the last 3 years, but every time either I didn't prepare for the entrance exams or I just didn't show up at all. So I failed every single one.
Societal approval, or familial approval is my sustenance (even when I know it doesn't have to be). I figured if nobody cares whether I study or not, then why am I even bothering.
And it wasn't that my family didn't care, we're all just a bunch of multiple mental issues just simmering in a pot; we're all just trying our best.
Things got much better, though. Now that my dad supports me fully, I thought maybe I should genuinely try this year. But goddamn I had no idea I had developed this crippling fear of failing. Every time I open a book, I can read two pages and then that's it, my brain just stops. Like, its on pause. And no matter what I do, I can't press play. And the harder I try to make myself press play, the more painful my chest grows. Just thinking about it right now is causing me pain.
I tried so many things from online research. But nothing worked. I was just so lost, I knew I had to start studying to actually get somewhere but I couldn't. I couldn't even finish up this one application that I started filling because I just kept procrastinating. And the anxiety just got worse and worse. Couldn't even do my job properly.
Then I was talking to my mom. A normal heart to heart. And I just told her how much I was having problems with studying. And I just joked maybe you could sit with me while I study. But she did. She just sat beside me, and just started doing her own thing. And then I started studying. And suddenly I got through an hour of studying without even realising it.
I'm beginning to think that maybe I have way too many issues. I'm not scared of books or the knowledge that's in them. I'm scared of pouring everything of myself into something that will have no meaning. I'm scared of disappointing my parents. And for some reason, I am happy if my parents will just spend their time with me, even if all they're doing is reading yesterday's newspaper.
God I have so many issues to work through.
