#jpegs rambles

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Normalize an Alfred Pennyworth who is absolutely dogshit at his job. This freshly legal little slut moved to the Big Smoke to pursue his dreams of acting then did military service then immigrated to fucking new jersey probably bc it was cheaper than new york. then he got a job as a valet or housekeeping staff or some shit at the mansion of Most Rich and Killable Couple On The Eastern Seaboard and you KNOW his slutty ass slept his way to the top. pennywaynes truther martha and thomas were swingers and i'll DIE on that hill. so they are obsessed him and he's blowing out backs while the rest of the house staff talk mad shit in the kitchen and then Alfred's sugar mommy and daddy get fucking SHOT and have named him the GUARDIAN of their CHILD and he has to shape the fuck up. BUT HE STILL DOESNT KNOW HOW TO DO THIS JOB. this cunt aint got experience running a household, he's british and can't cook for shit, landscaping cleaning bills property management HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A STAR. and this is too much. so he fires the entire staff. and then single parents what will become the most emotionally fucked up human being on the face of the planet.

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all this talk about Bruce staying beefy to carry his kids and Jason and Bruce being the only ones who can lift each other bc of all the muscle mass but i believe in my heart of hearts that Dick Grayson could and Would do it. and immediately fuck up his back. saving their lives, screwing around, WHATEVER, he would haul their huge asses over his shoulders as long as needed and then be like '🙂🙃🙂 i am so fine. i am great. dont worry about me lying motionless on the floor. thumbs up.' then he lies motionless on the floor for 14 hours.

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having binge read Batgirl (2000) i can now say 1) WHY IS THERE NOT MORE. and 2) Cassandra Cain is truly Character Of All Time. she has two extremely fucked up dads who are basically the same person except for their stance on killing. she's the best fighter of all time. everyone wants to fuck her. she loves mosh pits. her mom murdered her then brought her back to life. she can't read. the only friend she ever had faked her own death. she has her own personal batcave. she's never been to school. she was murdered AGAIN then her mom brought her back AGAIN. SHE HAS DIED TWICE. she's a cocky asshole and scarier than the actually batman and she has so much love for humanity. she cares about everyone. she genuinely believes everyone deserves a chance to change. she's bruce but better. i love her so much.

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Batman: Officer Down is the funniest run/era amongst iconic '90's comics because Jim Gordon almost dies on the job+spends a while in a coma and is normal about it by deciding to retire, but Bruce "Daddy Issues" Wayne reacts so horribly to the entire situation that he and Alfred have beef about it, so Alfred goes to live at boarding school with Tim (which is allowed i guess) and Bruce is so incapable of acting like a functioning adult that when he loses track of Tim for like 5 minutes, he reveals Tim's identity to Stephanie (thing Bruce has expressly forbidden Tim from doing with any of his peers for the past 2 years despite it causing problems) so she can go find him and Bruce doesn't have to risk running into Alfred (because they still have beef) (because bruce was weird about Jim almost dying) (because of the daddy issues).

THEN Bruce Wayne gets framed for MURDER and decides to handle it in the most Impossibly Absurd And Frustrating Way (completely abandoning his civilian life and family to be Batman 24/7) (also letting his bodyguard rot in prison for Accessory to Murder (even though she is unfailingly loyal to him) where she is presumably killed and them abducted by a secret government agency to become spec ops but i digress). and alfred says. Okay Time To Go Home. and when tim is like noooooo help my personal life is in shambles and my roommate is a teenage alcoholic alfred says. Don't Care, Didn't Ask, Plus This Take Priority. and alfred absolutely scalps 16 yr old Stephanie Brown for bonus points.

and in the end David Cain gets caught out for executing the Most Immaculate and Convincing Murder Frame Up (to like?? test that bruce is a good enough detective to raise Cass??) and he just. fesses up and goes to jail for it. because they figured it out. despite having no sufficient evidence to prove it was a frame up. truly no writers were doing it like them.

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thinking about an au where Talia is literally evil stepmommy to dick grayson. Talia gets preggo and is like. hmmm. maybe its not a great idea to stay around a bunch of assassins while so vulnerable. and shows up at the manor like hi baby daddy :) i think your life philosphy is stupid but i can play nice :) and Bruce lets her stay obviously and prepares to have a whole ass BABY. and Talia is like. i can be a kept wife. (she can not)

meanwhile 14-15 year old Dick Grayson is RIGHT THERE and does NOT LIKE THIS. and he makes sure she KNOWS IT. this grown ass woman/ninja/cult survivor and this teenager/panties-and-pixie-boots vigilante/only child have beef like you would not BELIEVE. their relationship is so antagonistic its insane. they Can Not be left alone. talia puts sedatives in dick's food to make him Shut the Fuck Up. dick manipulates bruce into forcing talia to take parenting/labor classes. they keep locking each other out of the house.

bruce is like 'it is normal for there to be an adjustment period. teenagers are difficult. this is a normal situation. i dont have to interfere in any way' which is the WORST way to handle the situation. talia and dick see each other in the morning and its like. 'hello low-bred, leeching interloper :) ' 'hi baby trapping, pyscho bitch :)' EVERY DAY. bruce takes talia's side all the time because he is so in love and hopeful and idiotic, alfred takes dick's side bc he also hates talia but cant say it, and everybody is wary of what traps may have been left around the house. and then there's a BABY.

dick doesnt have anything against Babian except that the only shit bruce cares about is New Family and Being Batman and eventually this leads to him leaving home after max 2 years. which is great. talia Won. except that now without her Mortal Enemy providing enrichment, she gets bored of being Mommy and dips. Bruce is so heartbroken he fills the talia shaped hole in his heart with a jason shaped peg. and this causes more problems.

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dick grayson should have brown eyes. jason todd should have brown eyes. damian wayne should have brown eyes. tim drake should still have blue eyes because he's like that jeff the killer dog staring at you through the porch door.

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dick grayson should have BROWN EYES. jason todd should have BROWN EYES. damian wayne should have BROWN EYES. not tim tho he's got those jeff the killer pale blue orbs.

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listen i know fanon had latched onto the idea of jason todd as a classic lit romance girlie (thanks wfa) which is fine whatever. but listen. regardless of any roots in actually comics jason todd would be in that gothic horror shit be real. just because a story is set in the regency era and has a female protagonist that does not make a romance!! jason todd would be eating Up the dark stuff. the plot twist of Jane Eyre is Jane finding the first wife locked in the attack totally bonkers (jt vibes). frankenstein is largely driven by how the creature justifies his actions bc of his makers rejection (jt vibes). wuthering heights is about two morally bankrupt people who are so obsessed with each other they make the lives of everyone around them worse (jt vibes). catch 22 is about the absurdity and neverending nature of war (jt vibes). THERE IS SO MUCH GOOD SHIT. escapism is cool, but cooler if its about revenge. not to be a hating hater who hates but sometimes i think people who eat fanon for breakfast lunch and dinner forget to read real actual books.