#julyposting

[still-july]

okay dropout NEEDS to make a card game version of spin that wheel PLEASE it would be so easy and it would go so hard

[tortured-poets-blog]

and to say it's all in the past is quite convenient. But to say, I don't find you in everything that exists would be too big of a lie. It rained last night. The first rain of July, marking the beginning of monsoon. It poured and thundered, as if the sky was grieving at letting go too. So I put my grief aside, and fell asleep to the rhythm of ferocious raindrops. When I woke up, the rain had subsided and yet..the smell of rain settled everywhere.

July is a persistent ache.

The kind that wears off but never fully recovers. Behold the sky, it bears witness. We scream in unison. Only mine is silent, and just a chant of your name. Over and over. Slowly building up to a crescendo. Like the tiny droplets of rain, when they turn into a seething roar. Louder and louder, until it drowns everything out.

I might just spend an eternity, hoping one day: you come in with the rain.

(an excerpt by the tortured poet)

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[still-july]

today has been a 'listen to all of the amazing devil's discography in one sitting' kind of day

[still-july]

girl HELP my friend is making me watch heated rivalry 😭😭

[still-july]

so i'm playing monster prom and normally i don't see the appeal of Liam but i'm romancing him for the first time and. i get it now. he's just so smoochable!

[still-july]

i was at the bus station today and i saw this biker man, hella built, tons of neck tattoos talking to this young girl who was maybe 14-15 years old. and yeah, my first instinct was hey, that's a little sketchy. but i didn't jump to conclusions and i got on the bus. and i was sitting right in front of them, and it turns out he was her dad. she was talking all about her summer project of taking apart and reassembling a radio to him and he was giving her tips. she had one of his badass biker patches on her cutesy pink backpack. and it made me so irrationally happy, i genuinely teared up a little.

i take the bus home by choice every night, at about 10pm, alone. but whenever i mention taking the bus at night everyone i know is so shocked. and they say shit like 'that's so dangerous' ' don't you get scared?' 'you know there are a bunch of schizos and crackheads on that bus, right?' and it pisses me the fuck off. yes i know there might be schizophrenic ppl or addicts on the bus. who fucking cares. they are people too.

on that same bus there was a lady talking on the phone in chinese to her husband. there was also a cyclist vibing to music on her headphones and a man with a cane carrying several boxes of cherries. and yeah, there was a homeless guy who smelled kind of weird there. but he was the opposite of dangerous. he was just minding his own business on his phone. he had a Palestine flag on his shopping cart. and yeah, a couple stops later a woman got on who was talking to herself and gesturing wildly. but she didn't address anyone, she didn't attack anyone, she was not a threat at all. and the biker dad explained to his daughter about schizophrenia and its symptoms, and talked about how the lady in the back might be talking to herself, but she's just sick. and the daughter asked if it was like her friend's grandmother with Alzheimer's, and said she hoped the lady got the medicine that she needed and that she had someone to help her. and idk man. the world is so much better than you think it is. and public transportation is way less scary than you think it is.

yesterday at the bus stop there was a couple with a baby in a stroller and the dad walked a good 25 feet away from his kid to smoke his cigarette bc he didn't want the baby to inhale the smoke. when he was done he came back and picked up the baby and his curls looked so much like my sister's did as a kid that i got transported back to eight years old holding her for the first time. a few weeks ago this mexican lady coming back from her second job told me she liked my band shirt and her daughter listened to the same band, and that she saved up money to get her tickets to see them for her birthday. last year this guy who was definitely high came up to me and talked to me about his dog and showed me pictures of her. it was a lovely interaction and never once did i feel like i was in physical danger.

and look. i know that many of my friends are white, short, feminine-presenting people. and therefore they are perceived as weaker and are less safe on a bus than i, a 6ft masculine black person, am (even though as a black queer person statistically i am more likely to be attacked). but i have to say. i, almost always, feel safer on a public bus than i do in a large group of white girls. yes part of that is my own life experience. but i think a lot of people need to get out of their white suburban mindset and realize that the most vulnerable people in society are not who you need to be afraid of.

when people ask me why i love the bus my go-to answer is that i hate driving, which is true. but the real reason i love taking the bus is that i get all these glimpses into the lives of other people for only a couple stops. anyways i don't really know where i was going with this post, but the main point is that i really love taking the bus and also i hate that i can't discuss this with anyone because then they just start shitting on the homeless and everyone thinks that's normal behavior. okay bye

[still-july]

i have only had this boy for three fucking pages but if anything happened to him i would murder everyone including myself

[still-july]

huge day for annoying people (me)