Where have I gone wrong?
I'm yet again no longer happy. And it's hard to come to terms with why. Everyday I try and cover my sadness with the fact I'm surrounded by the most beautiful scenery you could imagine and that I'm constantly with new friends. I live in Canada; what more could I honestly ask for? Well happiness within my relationship is what I'm missing. I thought that with Nick I'd be forever happy, but clearly I was wrong. I never thought I would be writing a negative diary entry about him. I really thought I tossed them all away with Peter. Clearly I was wrong. I thought before that it simply couldn't of been me. But looking at my relationship now, perhaps I was wrong. I still love Nick, that's one thing you can't get me wrong about. I love his kindness, his compassion and his generous love for me. However, I find that these qualities diminish when alcohol touches his lips. I feel that he might be on the verge of alcoholism. Something that I can't fix. Nor can I avoid. I feel that he turns into a completely different person when he consumes alcohol: someone I frankly don't want to be around. He becomes rude, manipulative, simply uncaring and most of all angry. Lately, future plans have been discussed and I've noticed that unless I nudge him then I'm not initially included in these plans. Maybe we're not meant to be apart of each other's futures, and perhaps we're both just learning curves for one another before we meet our 'true' soulmates. Who knows? Just writing this is making me feel completely sick. I don't know if it's finally allowing me to face facts or if it's helping me see if I still want to fight. I simply don't know. Loosing him makes me want to (a word that I'm not going to use). He's my everything. And that's why I'm getting destroyed. Funnily enough tonight was our designated 'date night' but I'm here writing this after traumatically crying in the shower after he decided to leave me and potentially our relationship to go meet friends around you guessed it- his fuel; alcohol. I don't even know what else to say. I'm tired and I feel sick to my stomach, that's all I know. I clearly need help, I clearly need my rocks. I clearly need my sisters. I'm struggling.