Ateez: When You Are Feeling Self Conscious About Your Body
Note: I figure that with Easter here and many of us having big meetings and often they are related to food, that this post could help some of you who are self conscious about these things <3 remember to take it easy and to be indulgent with yourself. I hope you guys enjoy <3
Hongjoong
It was evening, and you were in your bedroom, trying to find something to wear to a dinner with your friends and Hongjoong. The world outside has quieted, but your mind hasn’t no matter how hard you tried. You’re standing in front of the mirror, wearing a simple black tank top and shorts. nothing fancy, nothing done-up since the dinner would be something rather chill between friends and not something classy. You hadn't noticed how Hongjoong was in the doorway, leaning against the frame, watching you silently. He notices the way your fingers tug at the hem of your shirt. The way your eyes flick away from your own reflection like it hurts to look at yourself.
“You’re doing it again.” Hongjoong says softly, from behind you
You flinch just slightly, half because you’re startled but also because you know exactly what he means. You don’t answer. instead you shake your head a little before you spoke, your voice coming out quieter than intended.
“It’s just… I look like this. And you look like you. It doesn’t feel fair.” There was a silence, before you added, looking away from him,“I don’t want people to look at us and think you settled. Or that I’m… staining you.”
There’s a long pause. You don’t hear footsteps, but you eventually feel Hongjoong behind you, his warmth ghosting your back before his arms wrap slowly around your waist. Not tight. Just present. Just there.
“Staining me?” Hongjoong murmurs, his lips brushing your shoulder, “Is that what you think you’re doing when I can’t keep my hands off you?” he asked, his voice lowering, “When I see you walk into a room and I forget what I was saying? When your voice is the one I listen for even in silence?”
You feel him breathe in against your back, as if inhaling you makes the air steadier in his lungs.
“You want to know what ruins me?” Hongjoong asked, gently turning you to face him, cupping your jaw so tenderly it makes your throat ache, “Watching you shrink yourself because someone, somewhere, made you think your worth had anything to do with numbers, shapes,” He doesn’t say you’re beautiful like it’s a defense. He says it like it’s law. “Wear whatever you want. Let me be proud of you the way you won’t be of yourself. I’ll do it until you can.”
Mingi
Today was supposed to be chill, just a shopping spree with Mingi after a long week of work. And god, you really were trying to be casual about it, pretending to enjoy the process, but you’ve been stuck in the dressing room a little too long now and you hated how each time this was the same. Mingi had picked up this dress for you and he was so excited so of course you had to try it on.
But fuck why did you felt so disgusted by the mere sight of yourself?
The new outfit hugs you in a way you’re not ready to see. All of these flaws, jumping straight to your eyes and you hated it. Why couldn't you just shop in peace like all those pretty girls? You step out of the dressing room hesitantly, tugging at the fabric.
Mingi's sitting just outside in one of whose small couches, phone down, eyes up as soon as he noticed your presence. He looks at you for a full second. Not a polite glance, but a full, slow look. He sighed quietly
“You’re already bracing for me to lie, aren’t you?” Mingi asked
You swallowed. “It just… doesn’t fit right.”
He stood up, stepping closer to you before he suddenly tugged the mirror curtain closed behind you both so no one else could see what you both were on about.
“It fits like it was made for you. The only thing not fitting here is the idea that you’re anything less than stunning.” Mingi whispered, brushing your hair away, fingers grazing your neck, his voice a low whisper, “They don’t make mirrors that show you what I see. That’s the problem.”
And you felt your eyes teary up as he pulled you into a hug. Maybe, just in this moment, he had helped you fix something you never thought was needed to fix
San
You were laying down with San in your share bed, legs tangled as you were scrolling Instagram after an evening out with the whole group and their partners. It was something that has become an habit and tonight, Hongjoong had posted a few group photos that you all take throughout the night together. You clicked on the notifications, only to see this picture of yourself from an unflattering angle, and your heart sank.
You knew, or at least believed, that you weren't very pretty and this pictures and how you looked truly sent you down a dissociative and body dismorphia spiral. You locked your phone and quietly pulled the blanket up, turning your face away.
San was lying next to you, playing some phone games. after a few moments, he finally sensed that there was a shift in your behavior, which made him look over at you
“What happened?”
You didn't answer him, pretending you were asleep which made him sighed since this was a typical scene for him. San gently tugs the blanket down and rests his forehead against yours, trying to get your attention
"What's up?"
".. the picture Hongjoong posted" you murmured ever so quietly
“You saw a version of yourself that doesn’t match the one in your head, didn’t you?”
You nod slowly, eyes stinging with stubborn tears which made him sigh and pull you into a tight hug.
“I saw that picture too. You looked real. Warm. Beautiful. Like the only person in the frame I wanted to kiss.” He said, kissing your cheek in a comforting way. Then your jaw and neck, his lips lingering at your collarbone “and if anyone else couldn’t see it… their eyes weren’t meant for you anyway.”
Seonghwa
You just got out of the shower after a very long day of work. Your skin was flushed, hair damp, body wrapped in a towel while the stubborn fog in the bathroom clung into the walls of your shared bathroom with Seonghwa.
To be honest with yourself you were avoiding the mirror ever since last week. You hated how it seemed like your body was unflattering, how you couldn't help but notice the weight clinging unto your hips. You were so self absorbed in your negative thoughts that you didn't notice Seonghwa walked in. He caught the way your arms are crossed, not from cold, but self-consciousness as you looked at the figged mirror, only to advert your eyes and to repeat the process.
Seonghwa paused in the doorway, waiting to see if you noticed him. when he noticed that you didn't, he finally came closer.
“You look like a painting when you’re like this.”
You scoffed, your eyes going to him as you tried to push the towel more securely around yourself. "Stop lying to me"
"I am not lying."
"I look fucking disgusting" you snapped and Seonghwa went quiet for a moment.
Once you looked away, eyes stinging with tears, Seonghwa stepped behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist. he kissed your head before leaning his chin on your shoulder.
“No makeup. No posing. Just skin and warmth and you.” he murmured. "That's enough"
"You don't understand. I have to try to be more beautiful, try to be--"
You were cut off by his fingers tracing the edge of the towel at your back. “You don’t have to try. You never did.” he whispered the reassurance, pulling you into a soft hug, his heart aching. hoping that one way you would understand that you didn't needed to change to be loved. just to be yourself.
Wooyoung
You swore you were going to just cancel it out because there was no way you would go out looking like a piglet ham. you were halfway into getting dressed for an event with Wooyoung, knowing you needed to look extra fancy tonight. You had chose a dress you loved at first when you bought it, but now, in the mirror of your shared bedroom with your boyfriend, it felt “too much.” Too tight. Too revealing.
A ham. You were about to take it off, curse it out, cry and just tell Wooyoung that you weren't going no where when he entered the room, still buttoning his shirt. He saw the look on your face, frowning.
"What?"
"I look like a piglet"
"uh?" Wooyoung asked confused as he looked at you not understanding, "what are you on about?"
"I am taking this off." You said your hands ready to get rid of the dress
“Don’t." Wooyoung's voice almost sounded like an order, "Please don’t take it off yet.”
You froze, giving him a confused look as he walked over you slowly. Wooyoung brushed his knuckles against your bare shoulders, sighing
“You were made to wear softness like armor. Look at you.. You look beautiful” he reassured you and you sighed, feeling the tears rolling down your cheek
"I feel disgusting Woo"
“That's on your head love. You look like a goddess, so please don't take it off.. I will be the one taking it off for you tonight. and I promise I will show you how much you are beautiful”
and Wooyoung did.
Yeosang
To be honest, you hated summer time. It was always hot, you would sweat bunches and the mosquitoes were your biggest enemy. Or perhaps the second, the first being the way it was too hot to wear sweaters and you had to wear summer clothing, which meant to show more of your skin and body.
And that terrorized you deeply, and it was partially why you didn't understood how Yeosang could love you. you and him were out for a walk, and you had decided to wear a tank top out in the sun for the first time in a while, and every step felt like too many eyes were on your arms, your chest, your thighs.
you hated it.
Yeosang had noticesd the way your hand hovers near your stomach, the way you keep adjusting your shirt. He first tried to ignore, thinking you were just itchy but then it became clear that you were uncomfortable.
Yeosang leaned in, murmuring in your ear, "What's wrong?"
"I feel awful thats what's wrong... I hate summer.. I feel so uncomfortable" you said and Yeosang nodded. he knew how much you struggled with your body and he had always been supportive of you.
“If you’re worried about how they see you… just walk closer to me.”
You glance up at him, "closer to you?" you asked and he nodded
“I’ll absorb their gaze. Shield you." Yeosang said with a smile, "Don't worry love, I will make sure to be there.”
And Yeosang does. throughout the walk, he had rested his hand on your lower back like a promise. He would hold your hand when you felt nervous, or used his body as a shield whenever he felt you umconfortable. Kiss you, whenever he felt you spiraling.
You didn't know but, to Yeosang, you were his favorite sight in the world.
Yunho
You hated mornings after a night out for dinner, usually because you always indulged yourself in the food which resulted by you feeling heavy in the next morning. You were in bed, wearing an oversized shirt from Yunho, no makeup, hair wild from sleep. You felt messy. Bloated. Unsexy. You figured that maybe if you tried to slip away before Yunho wakes up, you could at least try to put some make up and do something about your bloated self--
Too late.
Yunho rolled over the moment you were getting up from bed. He scoffed, one big hand going to your wrist and pulling you in again which made you yelp.
“You trying to sneak away from me?” Yunho asked, voice still husky with sleep
You offer a sheepish shrug. "I try. but you are playing against me"
"Hm. why do you look uncomfortable?"
"because I am huge. I lack discipline" you complained and he clicked his tongue. He tugged you once again so you would be under him, resting his forehead on yours.
“You’re always running from your reflection"
"I hate it"
"it’s the only thing I want to chase.” Yunho murmured, his arms wrapping themselves around you as he gently caressed your body to prove his point. He kissds the hollow of your throat, sighing happily.
"Yunho.."
“shh.. Let me show you how good you already are.”
Jongho
You and Jongho were in a small café patio, in the early afternoon that he was able to take off from work. you were seated at a little round table laughing, sharing food, sun on your skin. You had been nervous to order dessert, but Jongho had nudged you softly
“If you want it, have it. Don’t let shame win.”
So you did.
You were halfway through a slice of this sweet cake when one of your co workers walked by. Out of politeness, you greeted them, doing small talk with a tight smile as they had decided to comment on your food.
“Wow, you’re really indulging today, huh? I wish I had that kind of confidence.” they had say in a laughing tone.
It’s a joke. A joke. But it lands like a brick to your chest. You freeze for just a second, your spoon midair. Your smile doesn’t falter, not fully as you’ve trained yourself too well. You laugh it off, murmuring a polite answer.
But Jongho watches you.
Watches the way your hand pauses. Watches the flicker of shame pass through your eyes. He doesn’t say anything at first. Just turns his gaze to the person who spoke, tilts his head with that slow, unreadable calm of his. The silence stretches, heavy, pointed.
“You know what’s wild?” he asked the coworker, his voice quiet but clear
The person raises a brow. “What?”
“That you thought you could say something like that and still be welcome in this moment.”
There’s a pause. You feel your heart pound, your eyes widening at Jongho's comment .
“If her dessert makes you uncomfortable, maybe it’s your own reflection you should be questioning.” Jungho added, still calm and gently but not backing down
Your coworker sputters a quick apology, an awkward, fake, and fleeing one before they disappeared inside the cafe shop. Jongho waited until they were gone before he turned to you. Not with pity but with devotion.
“Don’t let them make you question something you earned. You wanted it. You enjoyed it. You deserve it.”
Jongho then picked up your spoon and feed you the next bite himself. His thumb brushes the corner of your mouth like it’s the most sacred thing he’s ever touched
“You’re not too much. Not too full. Not too anything. You’re mine. And that means they don’t get to touch you. not even with their words.”
