#just personal thoughts

[vancilart]

a friend fallen

[peperinaisboring]

Me odio. Me odio tanto que termino odiando todo de mí, incluso aquello que se supone que tendría que amar. Hay dias, hay momentos, hay meses enteros en los que el único mantra que mi cabeza sabe repetir es ese: te odio. Me odio por no alcanzar la perfección, por no ser lo inteligente, lo capaz, lo flaca o lo linda que se supone que debería ser. Odio todo de mí. Me odio porque por más que intente, intente e intente, jamás voy a poder ser suficiente para mí misma.

[peperinaisboring]

Quiero que me quieran. Pero no como se quiere a un trofeo, a una posesión o a un accesorio. Quiero que me elijan por lo que habita en mí, por cómo soy cuando nadie mira…

Creo que hay una distancia abismal entre ser amada como un ser humano y ser amada como un objeto. Hasta ahora, lastimosamente, solo supe lo que es ocupar el segundo lugar: ser la mano que sostienen en la calle para que otros miren, "la mina" con la que se infla el pecho frente a los amigos, un adorno para el orgullo ajeno…pero nunca fui querida como persona. Nadie se tomó la molestia de asomarse a la profundidad de mi alma; nadie quiso entender el mapa de mis silencios, ni verme, ni conocerme de verdad.

Me acuerdo de una noche de invierno, de esas donde el frío se te mete en los huesos. Estaba acostada al lado de mi exnovio, con el pecho apretado y las lágrimas al borde de los ojos, hundiéndome en una soledad absoluta. ¿Cómo es posible sentirse tan ridículamente sola al lado de alguien que dice amar?

Me costó muchos días grises, muchas noches de llanto en silencio y demasiado tiempo buscándome fallas a mí misma para entenderlo. Al final, la respuesta era tan clara como triste: yo buscaba que me vieran, que me comprendieran, que me descubrieran... pero él solo quería que lo vieran conmigo.

[peperinaisboring]

En el fondo, solo sueño con ser elegida…con un amor que no me pida máscaras, alguien con quien compartir las risas más ruidosas, los llantos más silenciosos y el espacio seguro de ser, simplemente, yo.

[tomyo]

Another fucking Zoot/Summer Rain ramble

I've been thinking a lot about my attachment to specifically Nick between the two and why that's the case. I've always described myself as a fan of "Scruffy Guys" or "A character who is too depressed to realize his good qualities." but I've been going back and forth whether I see myself more in Nick or Judy.

Simply put, I stress myself out like Judy does because a lot of the time I feel a lot of pressure to prove myself from feeling underminded throughout my life. Some of that lately is just straight dysphoria at the impression I'm exclussively cute or more childlike in the work setting. Literally also watched Zootopia 2 right as work issues were bubbling up and really digesting the whole "you don't have to do everything yourself" was a hard swallow.

At the same time, I think I write or base my thoughts of their dynamic a lot more around Nick from how much I relate to him as a character. Someone who's insecure and jaded, good at shallow relationships but terrible at deep ones. It feels pretty spot on when fanfic writers have characterized him as someone who's great at handling most things until someone like Judy comes into his life. And I think I align too closely with "brood about my emotions rather than address my feelings for the person" aspects of him.

Because of that, I've been noticing I've had a harder time relating to Judy's voice when I write/draw things despite usually making stuff from her perspective and having a lot easier time drawing her. When I look back on the old Summer Rain drawings, I felt myself focusing on Nick more too even though it's meant to be much more about Judy's feelings than his. The idea of "Ah, I'm depressed so I want to drink and smoke my problems away." for Nick was kind of something born from my own attitude in similar situations. In fact there was a year I periodically binge drank as a controlled self destructive habit around 2019.

Small doses of self destruction imo can be healthy if just to cope through a period of life and it's partially what propels SR Nick, he's already pessimistic about life and is now isolated in unfriendly territory with little to do. And part of what will be the whole plot is that Judy isn't going to be able to ""fix"" Nick because she's essentially still a child but Nick can help Judy reclaim her identity that her community has been breaking down. It's really about Nick needing to step up for the sake of the bunny's fragile state and even if that doesn't make you better, it affects you into some form of change. In some ways the whole point is a liminal space of not quite romantic love. Hopefully that wasn't spoilers if I do release it proper haha.

Speaking of which, if you came to find anything about that. I have written some basic stuff towards the fanfic; a few first draft chapters and a semi detailed plan with character information, themes, and the general plan of how many chapters and what happens in each. It's a pretty ambitious near 30ish chapter story which is why I hadn't really written much of it before since I'm more of a one shot person myself but I wanted to beefy middle section of the story so that there's a better build up to Judy and Nick's progression. The general timeline plan is that I want to release most of it over the Summer after workin on it during a 6-8 week recovery from an operation. In the meantime, I've been writing short pieces to try and flex the writing muscles but I have gotten caught up in just beefing up the playlist for it (If you have songs that sound like When You Were Young or more softer songs with rain themes, please send links). Also just awkwardly looking for people to spitball and beta read since as I will repeat endlessly, I'm not a strong write ><;

[salomeh]

Both "caucasian" and "middle eastern" are 100% made up identities by OUTSIDERS, social costructs with no material reality basis, i don't know why would i feel the need to call myself any of those as an armenian

[teacupdemon]

why the basic things like : brushing teeth, showering , washing hair etc like the hardest to get myself to do???!!?! Hell I will even procrastinate getting pain pills because it will be to much of a pain to get up, get water and just take the pill.

[professoroaksboytoy]

The Boyfriend Season 2 Retrospective

If you haven't gathered already, I really do like this show. It really is just a cozy little peaceful show that brings me joy in this dark world. It brings me a little hope for the world. I really hope there is a Season 3!

This season was just as good as the first season, and maybe a little bit better. Looking back on the season I really liked the setting. Even though I personally hate the cold, wintery Hokkaido looked so beautiful and made me want to visit.

I also really enjoyed the cast this season. I think the casting on this show is top tier, because it would be so easy to find influencer type people who just want to expose their "brand" on a show, but the cast seem really genuine and want to be on the show to find someone. They also don't seem to play it up for the cameras, they just seem to be themselves which is so refreshing in a landscape of fake tv drama.

Thinking back on the season here are some things that have really stuck in my mind:

- Izaya and William getting together. The first like 10 episodes of the season really felt like the Izaya and William show but I am really glad we got to follow their progress from coming in already knowing each other and having hostility to breaking down barriers, getting to know each other and then deciding to graduate together. Plus that first kiss at the lake was memorable. (But was it their first ever kiss with each other?)

- Jobu's wild rollercoaster of emotions. First trying to go after William and being rejected which left him downcast. But then for Taeheon to join mid way through brought back his wonderful smile. Then for him to get close to Taeheon and end up leaving with him in the final episode. What a ride for Jobu but really glad he got a happy ending.

- Kazuyuki finding peace in his previous relationship and wanting to restart that. That journey hit me personally and honestly takes a lot of bravery to want to restart again. Glad to hear in the final episode his partner also wanted to restart.

Also one thing I want to mention that I haven't really talked about before is the commentators of the show. This is such a foreign concept for a western TV audience but I understand it is common in Japanese TV shows. Whilst I was hesitant about the commentators in the first few episodes of the first season they really grew on me. And in this second season they were actually really good to have to break up the scenes of the show and talk about what was happening. Without them I feel the show may be too quick and emotions and actions may be skipped over too quickly, plus they also bring some good humour which is needed for some of the more lighthearted parts of the show.

I think it should also be mentioned that of the 3 couples that go together 2/3 of them had met prior to the show (Izaya & William, and Bomi & Huwei). Not really sure what this means but just interesting to note.

Final thoughts on each of the guys:

Izaya - He seems like a genuinely nice person who really knows what he wants and will not settle for anything less. I am glad he got together with William. Despite their frosty past, Izaya was willing to try again which takes maturity which is such an honourable trait. William did seem to make Izaya really happy and the world needs more happiness.

William - As I mentioned previously, I thought he was a player at first, but after getting to know him on the show he clearly has been hurt. I am glad he could work through the hurt with Izaya and them coming together seems to make him super happy which in turn makes me happy. I really do wish nothing but the best for them. (And yes I did accidentally see that butt pic of his floating around on Tumblr. Lucky Izaya is all I will say)

Jobu - He had one of the wildest rides of emotions on this show. He really did put it all on the line for William at the start but him being turned down really was sad. But then Taeheon coming in and making Jobu happy again was great. Whilst their relationship started super bad (that first coffee truck duty was so painful to watch), I am glad they were eventually able to get to talking to each other, all be it slowly and mostly talking about their time on the show. I am super glad Jobu got to leave with some because he really deserved it. He was super fun on the show and every time I saw his smile, I could not also help smiling myself.

Kazuyuki - I will be honest, at first seeing that Kazuyuki was 40 really made worried that he would not fit in with the other cast and would be relegated to the "dad" role on the show. And whilst that did happen to some extent in my opinion, he did find his voice and was able to reflect on his previous 15 year relationship. I think the time in the house just hanging with the guys showed him that relationships can be about the little things and aren't always about the "big" events together. I am glad he wanted to get back with his partner and hopefully they are happy together again.

Bomi - Bomi seems like a really nice and honest person. Throughout the show he was always just open with everyone and honest about his feelings. But he was also empathetic and understanding for people. This was really shown toward Huwei. It would have been so easy for him to read Huwei's actions as uninterested and move on, but Bomi stuck it out and persisted after him. And then it finally paid off. Bomi asking Huwei to be his first boyfriend was so sweet and wholesome. Really reminds me that there is hope and love out there in the world.

Huwei - I did initially think of Huwei as a himbo, but clearly I was wrong. He is not dumb at all. I mean he is completing a PhD so clearly a smart cookie. But he is buff (future Olympian maybe) and also kind hearted so 2/3 traits. Throughout the show it was clear that he is hard to read in that he doesn't express himself much in actions or words. But once he is alone with someone he really comes out of his shell more. I am glad he and Bomi got together. They are really cute together as a couple and seem to make each other really happy.

Hiroya - He may have had the roughest time on the show (even more than Jobu). First part where he was interested in Huwei but then was brutally rejected, and then going after Taeheon but eventually giving it up for Jobu to have a better chance at knowing Taeheon was so admirable. I said this previously, but Hiroya seriously has a heart of gold and I am more than sure that when he finds someone, that person will be the luckiest person. I am hoping that Hiroya came away from the show with new found confidence because seems like a really amazing person.

Ryuki - The youngest member of the group and I think it showed a bit. I think coming into the show after the original people put him at a disadvantage as clicks were already created and being so young it is hard to break into those groups. But he was really a good edition to the show. I think the age factor may have had to play into him not going after anyone, maybe if the show had 1 or 2 people of similar age there may have been more of a chance. But it did sound like he took away a lot more confidence in himself to come out to his dad which is heartwarming. I hope it all went well for the him.

Taeheon - Time to be real, I did not really remember his journey in season 1. If I knew he was coming back I would have rewatched it. All I remember was that he was super attractive and that still held up. So seeing him come back was nice. But half way through must have been really hard given how close everyone else was at that stage. But he seemed to fit right in. And then to have Hiroya and Jobu going after him at the same time would have been pretty intense. Whilst I am glad he left with Jobu I am still worried they are not 100% compatible but it was not much time together so fingers crossed they worked out.

Tomoaki - He started as such a quiet person when he entered which was probably compounded by coming in half way through. But he eventually became such a bright light and was funny. Whilst he didn't go after anyone (at least from what we saw on the show), I think he did take away a whole new confidence and less pessimistic view, as well as a whole new bunch of friends. Hopefully he could use his confidence to come out to his family and find someone that he share good time with.