Summary: Unwilling to admit their feelings for each other, Cassian and the reader spend their days wanting for more than the partnership they’ve built in the Rebellion. Their fear of their feelings, however, leads to almost losing everything.
Notes: So this ended up taking different twists and turns as I wrote it, and I hope that you guys like them! As always, let me know what you think!
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You couldn’t remember the last time you’d slept in past sunrise. Truthfully, you couldn’t remember the last time you’d slept. But after returning from a month-long mission, all you wanted was to stay curled up in those standard issued blankets forever. Dreams played across your mind and made your heartache at the sound of his beautiful accent or the feeling of his rough, warm hands on your skin...
You jerked awake and sat up. No. You rubbed your eyes. You didn’t have feelings for him. You couldn’t. As if your thoughts had conjured him, you heard a quiet knock at the door. You brush off the tunic that you’d worn the day before- you hadn’t bothered to change after submitting your mission report- and opened the door just a crack.
“Morning.” Cassian greeted, awkward as usual. You opened the door fully and let him brush passed you into your quarters. He carried a small package in his hands. “You slept through breakfast. I was able to sneak you a portion.” He handed you the parcel. “You’re lucky the servers like me.”
“You’re lucky anybody likes you.” You playfully snapped back. You, needless to say, were not a morning person. He shrugged off your insult and leaned against the wall. Cassian was not the most well-liked person on the base. He was brisk and professional and kept to himself. But he was different when he was with you. He was more open, his inner wall breaking down just enough for you to get through. You could tease each other and make each other laugh when you needed it the most. But you could also let your emotions crumble without fear of judgment. Many nights, Cassian had been there for you after losing a friend or a comrade.
“I heard your mission was successful.” He noted, trying to take a piece of your breakfast ration. You nodded, swatting his hand away.
“We got the information we wanted.” You sat with your legs crisscrossed beneath you on your bed. Quietly to yourself, you added. “Minimal casualties.” Cassian raised an eyebrow.
“What do you mean?” He’d snuck a peek at the reports. No one from the team of rebels had even been injured. You shrugged.
“It doesn’t matter.” He sat down next to you, his eyes intense.
“Y/N, what happened?” Another thing about your relationship with Cassian- he could always tell when something was wrong.
“We ran into a group of radicals.” You started slowly, trying to keep the memories from getting into your head. “Once they discovered we were part of the rebellion, they gave us no trouble, but they wreaked havoc upon that town. There was this young boy who was with them. Just as we were escaping the chaos, I watched him- he couldn’t have been more than six years old- I watched him walk into a building. It blew up just seconds later.” Your eyes glazed over, but you quickly blinked the tears away. “It just made me wonder if this is all worth it.” He nodded thoughtfully, putting a hand on your shoulder.
“Is it?” He wondered. Sitting there, looking into his eyes and hearing his voice, you knew the answer.
“It is.” For a moment, it felt as if you were being drawn together. You were no longer in control of yourself as you leaned towards him and he leaned towards you. Your faces grew impossibly close until, for the briefest second, you thought you felt his lips brush gently against yours. You pushed away hastily, crossing the room to catch your breath. When you finally looked at each other, there was a silent agreement never to talk about what had just happened.
“K2 will be wondering where I am.” Cassian muttered, standing up. His heart was pounding in his ears and his mind reeled. “I’ll see you later?” You nodded, still unable to breathe. The door closed and you fell back against it, gasping for air, unaware that Cassian had his forehead pressed against the cool metal on the other side. The two of you stayed like that for what felt like forever- you desperately trying to keep everything locked out of your heart as Cassian desperately wanted to get in.
He walked carefully and quietly so you wouldn’t hear him leave. He was a practical man. Cool and calculated. He never let his emotions get the better of him. But when he was with you… the walls he worked his whole life to build around himself fell. As he turned the corner into another corridor, he cursed himself for being so careless. If he let anything become of his feelings that he harbored for you, there would be no going back. Once Cassian committed to something, he would carry it to his grave.
The rest of your day was standard procedure for a day on the base. You filed mission reports and met with other members of your team to go over the information you had learned. Once the sun started to set, you went to the training centers. There were fewer inhabitants at night and you preferred to train without the crowds of other Rebels giving you strange looks when you broke the punching bags.
You were making your way through the obstacle course, twisting through the forest, ducking under branches and dodging the training droid’s stun shots. Sweat dripped down your forehead and your mind focused only on the course. You didn’t allow it to travel back to the little boy. You didn’t allow it to think about Cassian or the dream you had had the night before. You focused on your burning muscles and beating heart. You sprinted through the leaves, the cool night air blowing through your hair.
Cassian sat on the steps leading out to the course, watching you dart in between the trees, a strange feeling rising in his chest. The moment from that morning still replayed in his mind. The feeling of your lips against his, even for only a moment. It made him think of everything between the two of you. Every joke that only he understood. Every fear that you’d shared with each other. Every side glance or small smile meant something different. He knew what he felt. Now he had to face it.
“I didn’t see you there.” You greeted casually, dabbing the sweat on your forehead with a towel. “Is everything okay?” He bowed his head, stumbling over his words. You’d never seen him nervous. At least, not around you. “Cassian, what’s wrong?”
“We kissed.” He finally blurted. You couldn't remember seeing him blush before, but sure enough, his cheeks were slowly turning a deep shade of pink. "I need to know what that means. Y/N, I-” He almost found the courage to say it. Those damned three little words. But you interrupted him before he could.
“Cass…” You didn’t know where to begin. You wanted to tell him the truth. That it meant everything to you. That your world completely turned upside down and that you never wanted to go back. But that truth scared you more than any Stormtrooper. “I-I can’t.” His face fell and you felt a piece of your heart snap. “I’m sorry… I just…” You couldn’t stand to look at him anymore. If you stood there any longer, you would break completely.
You quickly brushed past him and practically ran through the doors, disappearing down the hall. Cassian just stood frozen in place, his brain unsure of why his heart stopped beating. Then, slowly, the bricks of his wall began to fall into place, surrounding his heart with a cold barrier.
-
Days passed. You kept to yourself while Cassian did the same, accompanied only by his trusty droid. You had to force yourself out of bed every morning, constantly distracting yourself with training or with making reports. It was as if your soul ached, every step away from his side stiff and unnatural. Of course, you couldn’t avoid each other forever. You were assigned to a reconnaissance mission on a planet in the Outer Rim to gather information on weapon suppliers to the Empire. You had a contact in the business who was willing to hand over some records. As fate would have it, Cassian led the mission.
The other rebels on board could sense the tension and kept a safe distance away from both of you. Cassian resided in the cockpit with K2 while you stuck to the arsenal towards the back of the ship.
“Is this going to be a problem?” K2 scoffed, noticing the way Cassian gripped the controls.
“Don’t start.” He had to focus on the mission. Get in, gather information, get out. Why did it have to be her contact? While his wall held strong when he was around the base, it crumbled when he was alone. It was even worse every time he saw you. Just knowing that you were on the same ship chipped away at the cold, hard stone he’d built. Clear your head, Cassian. Now is not the time for such foolish ideals. His feelings didn’t matter. They couldn’t matter.
You buried yourself in checking blasters and shock grenades. The trading post that your contact worked in was known to host some unfriendly customers and you needed to prepare the crew for a fight. Your hands were steady with each motion while your heart beat wildly in your chest. The sudden tall figure behind you made you gasp.
“Dammit, K!” You exclaimed, nearly dropping the blaster in your hand.
“I was told to check the inventory of weapons even though it was gone over multiple times before we left Yavin 4.” K2’s annoyance was clear in his robotic voice.
“I’ve already checked everything.” You stood up, uncomfortably running your hands over your arms. “So you go and tell Captain Andor that we’re ready in case we run into any trouble.”
“Uhuh. Well if the two of you want to start acting like logical human beings, I’ll be going over the plan with the others.” You could feel the droid’s judgment as he stomped back to the cockpit. Logical. You scoffed. You were only being logical. You pushed everything you felt behind the walls you built and kept them locked uptight. The squeezing feeling in your chest was only a side effect.
The ship landed and the team of three other rebels got off into the frigid, snowy air. Usually, an intelligence-gathering mission didn’t have a team of this size, but General Dravin suggested back-up in case things get hairy. The trading post was surrounded by ships of all different sizes, some notably marked with symbols of the most notorious gangs in the galaxy. Yup… you’d definitely be needing backup.
“I think I should go in alone.” You suggested to the crew. “I know Maddux and she doesn’t tend to take kindly to strangers. Especially well-armed ones.” The other three seemed to agree with your plan, but Cassian shook his head.
“No.” He snapped, grabbing everyone’s attention. “We can’t risk you getting caught in there alone.” At the risk of sounding too sentimental, he added a logical reason. “There are probably dozens of enemies to the Rebellion in there that would turn your insides out for information.”
“I suggest that Y/N and one other go in for the information,” K2 added. The others all nodded, but none volunteered.
“Alright.” Cassian gave you a hard stare that gave no invitation for argument. “Let’s go.” Your heart dropped, but you didn’t show it. You walked side by side into the trading post, opening the door to loud music and shouted conversations between drunk men. In the back of the post, Maddux ran the bar. You brushed past fur traders and weapons merchants until you reached your contact.
“Where the hell have you been?” She hissed, pouring a large creature a pint and sliding it down the bar.
“We got caught in the snow.” You shrugged. You feigned a laugh and jutted your thumb towards Cassian. “Poor thing was complaining about frostbite.” Maddux didn’t laugh, but she gave him a nod of acknowledgment.
“He should try living here.” She motioned for you to follow her into the backroom. Cassian kept a cool head, despite the looks the two of you were getting from some unsavory characters in the corner of the bar. He’d seen them watching you since you walked in.
The back room was filled with bottles and plates, along with a few bundles of what you assumed to be spices. It was small and Cassian stood so close to you that you could feel his chest against your back. Your breathing hitched as you felt his heart beating as wildly as your own. Not that he showed it. He was the king of the stoic expression.
“So what have you got?” You started, the casualness in your voice faded. Maddux looked at Cassian with distrust so you stepped in between them. “He’s with me. I trust him.”
“Because you’ve always been such a great judge of character.” She scoffed, referencing herself.
“We take the friends we can get.” You gave her a convincing smirk and she pulled out a notebook filled with logs.
“An Imperial worker was mugged here a couple of weeks ago. Thugs killed the bastard and left this notebook. Didn’t think it was worth anything until I opened it.” You held out her hand for her to give it to you, but she just shook her head. “That’s not how that works cupcake.”
“We give you the credits after we have the records.” Cassian interjected. You shot him a look to back off.
“I’ve got plenty of other bidders who would be more than happy to take this off my hands-”
“Here.” You exclaimed, handing her the pouch. She grinned.
“Pleasure doing business with you.” She handed you the notebook and the two of you quickly got out the door.
“We need to get out of here.” Cassian whispered, eyeing the corner where the group had now disappeared.
“If we run, we’ll draw attention. Just follow my lead.” You ducked in between tables and creatures, keeping your head down and not making any eye contact. You almost made it to the door. Almost.
A hand latched onto your arm and Cassian was no longer by your side. You were yanked into a rack of strange meats, all scattering to the floor. Your attacker loomed nearly a foot taller than you, but you were quick on your feet and slid under his legs.
“Y/N!” Cassian’s voice broke through the chaos, trying to warn you as a new assailant locked your arms behind you, another landing multiple punches to your stomach. You used all the core strength you had to swing your legs up and send the creature soaring back into a couple tables. You ducked, flipping the one holding you over your back, hearing something crunch as she hit the ground. Your hands found your blaster and shot her through the chest before she could try and get up. You frantically looked around through the brawling crown. Where’s Cassian? And you felt a crack shoot through the wall around your heart. Through the panic and the heat and the noise, you saw him, battling with a man with blue skin and sharp teeth.
Without hesitating, you shot through the crowd, tackling a person before they could land a hit to Cassian’s jaw. Blaster fire shot above your head and the blue man fell to the floor. Any peaceful inhabitants of the trading post had fled while the rest either attacked you or brawled with each other. Your lip had split from a successful punch from a horned woman with golden eyes and Cassian’s cheek had a large cut just above his jaw. You were busy fighting golden eyes and you didn’t notice the dark-clad figure aiming their rifle at you from across the room.
“Get down!” Cassian shouted, pulling you down to the ground and the shot missed the two of you, hitting the woman right between those sinister eyes of gold. Cassian shielding you with his body, hovering over you. At this distance, you could feel each other’s hearts beating ferociously. Looking into your eyes, all of the emotion Cassian had tried to keep out slipped through the cracks. He smiled, relieved to see you unharmed. That brief moment of hesitation allowed for the cloaked figure to reload their weapon and take a new aim.
You saw the flash before Cassian did and for a brief moment, it felt as if the shot had ripped through your heart rather than his chest . And just like that, the wall you had so meticulously built brick by brick through years of emotional distancing, shattered and crumbled into oblivion. Fury controlled your actions as you rapidly fired your blaster until you watched one lucky shot enter Cassian’s shooter’s skull. You hooked your arms through Cassian’s, earning a pained cry as you dragged him across the floor, most of the other attackers too distracted fighting each other to notice you.
His blood seeped into the snow and the rest of the team rushed to help get him onto the ship. Luckily, you brought one of the best medics in the rebellion and she acted quickly. As he lay there, half-delirious with the pain, he gripped your hand, not letting you out of his sight, not that you could have been pried away anyway.
“Please be okay.” You begged, holding his hand up to your tear-stained cheek. You lowered your voice into a whisper so soft he could really only feel the words move against his palm. “I love you.”
-
Recovery was not easy, though he was lucky. The blast had missed anything vital and nerve damage would only cause limited movement in his shoulder. Discomfort, really. Nothing that the Captain of Rebel Intelligence couldn’t handle. The medic team said he should be able to complete missions normally. What hurt him the most was that you still kept your distance. Every time he saw you, you would turn the other direction as fast as you could.
In truth, the guilt had been driving you mad. Sure, you had made it out with the record intact, thus completing the mission. But you’d nearly lost the one thing in the galaxy that you loved and now that the fortress keeping your emotions locked away was destroyed and they were eating you up.
It was the middle of the night and you were training like you had been since you got back. It was rare to find you anywhere else. Cassian was worried that you hadn’t eaten, so he used it as an excuse to confront you. He brought you a portion from the mess hall and stood at the end of the obstacle course.
“What are you doing here?” You muttered. It looked the same as the day you’d left him standing alone. But you didn’t have the strength to leave him again.
“I heard you.” He said slowly and softly, treading lightly. He stepped towards you, slowly like his words. “On the ship, I heard you.”
“Cass, I-”
“Don’t.” He took both of your hands in his, forcing you to look at him. “Y/N, all this time we’ve been trying to hide behind the years of fear and of solitude to avoid confronting what we truly fear- the love that we feel. That we have both felt for a long time.” He now stood so close that it took all your strength not to collapse into his arms and let him hold you forever. “I’m tired of being afraid.”
“I do.” You choked out. “I love you.” His hands moved to cup your face and pulled your lips to his. This time, the kiss was sure and unfaltering. You would face the hurt and the fear together. For the love you shared could shake the galaxy and it would not be caged away behind a wall.
Inspired by my love of the art in the West End Games Star Wars RPG books, I thought I'd try my hand at portraits of some of the newest additions to the franchise.
