part of love notes— an exo ot9 valentine's day special
⋆˙⟡♡ summary: you meet the cute dancer at your gym on a very cold evening at the park
⋆˙⟡♡ word count: 1.2k words
⋆˙⟡♡ content: jongin x gn!reader | fluff | no warnings
Hi!
Sorry if this is weird, but I just wanted to see if you would be open to going on a date with me. To be honest, I’ve always thought you were cute, but after we talked last week I thought I would try reaching out. Feel free to completely ignore this if you don’t want to. I’ll still spot for you, I promise :)
Here’s my number.
Jongin
He looks different like this, you think.
Whenever you had snuck glances at Jongin in the gym, he was always wearing clothes comfortable enough to dance in: hoodies, sweatpants, and occasionally a tank top that showed off the toned muscle in his arms. But here he is now, smiling at you from a park bench with his coat buttoned all the way to his throat, beanie pulled low over his ears. He has a picnic blanket slung over one shoulder and two coffee cups in his hands. Here he seems so much more… normal. Not so untouchable.
Which is a good thing, to be clear. You would never have thought to approach Jongin at the gym at all, too intimidated by his general aura, but one late night workout last week had left him as the only person available to spot you. You quickly learned that he was easy to talk to, adorable even, a quiet sort of charisma that left you completely at ease.
“Thank you for agreeing to meet me here even though it’s freezing,” Jongin says, handing you one of the cups. “I got you some hot chocolate if you want it.”
“Aw, thanks so much.” You grab the cup from him graciously and take a sip, the warm chocolatey liquid immediately warming your insides. “This was a good call. I feel better already.”
“The sun sets in about an hour so we have some time to just walk around and talk if you want.” His cheeks are bitten pink, either from the cold or from bashfulness, you can’t exactly tell. “But if the weather gets too bad I vote for us to run to whoever’s car is the closest and get the hell out of here.”
You smile at him. “I second that vote.”
The two of you set off at a leisurely pace throughout the park, taking in the sights of the mostly empty playgrounds and the surrounding trees. You’re not typically a person who comes to the park when it’s cold like this, so you’re not used to the relatively low amount of people. A jogger or two crosses your paths every once in a while, but for the most part, you and Jongin are alone.
“How long have you been dancing?” you ask.
Jongin looks at you, surprised. You flush, feeling as though you’ve been caught. “I— I mean, I just assumed because…”
You realize suddenly that you only know that he’s a dancer because one time you passed by an empty workout classroom at the gym and happened to see him through the window. The control that he had over his movements, the intense concentration on his face… it was something that you would not easily forget. This also means, though, that he has never explicitly told you that he dances, and you have just outed yourself as a possible creep.
“I’ve been dancing since I was a kid,” he supplies. If he has any thoughts about your observation, he doesn’t say it. “It’s… my favorite thing in the entire world.”
“Did you ever do it professionally?”
“No, but I did think about it once upon a time. I think I prefer it like this, though. I like having something to escape to.” He wrinkles his nose. “When I have a bad day at work, or if I’m just stressed, it’s just nice to have something that lets me turn my brain off.”
The two of you continue to walk around the park, the winter sun beginning its slow descent through the sky. The two of you talk about anything and everything, getting to know each other a little better. You talk about your day jobs, your hobbies and habits, slowly putting together piece by piece of who the other is.
“I have a question about something in your note,” you say.
“Hm?” He digs his hands in his pockets when an exceptionally chilly gust of wind blows through. “What’s up?”
“You said you always thought I was cute, so I guess I’m just curious when you noticed me?”
“O-Oh. Oh, that?” Jongin clears his throat and looks away. “I guess I’ve always been there pretty late at night, and there aren’t a lot of us so you get to know the faces that stick around. You always catch my attention since you’re usually near my path to the practice room and since, you know… you’re so beautiful.”
You flush, suddenly finding the details of the trees around you so very interesting. “I was actually working up the nerve to talk to you when you called me over last week,” he continues. “So I’m pretty thankful that things worked out that way.”
The sun is beginning to dip below the tree line, and you and Jongin make your way up to the top of a hill. He spreads out the blanket and pats the spot next to him for you to sit. The sky is painted a pale orange, more saturated the closer you look down to the horizon line, the sun a burning sphere of light.
Jongin’s face is flushed, kissed by the cold nipping at his cheeks and nose. The late afternoon light dusts him in a golden hue, shimmering like glitter on his skin. He smiles at you softly.
“Was this date super boring?” he asks.
“Not at all! I liked how low-key it was. I liked getting to know you.”
He beams. “I liked getting to know you too. I think we could get to know each other even better next time? When it isn’t so cold, maybe?”
You laugh, your breath turning frosty in the air. “Sure, Jongin. I’d like that a lot.”
The two of you fall into silence for a bit, just watching the sun slowly slipping out of view. You don’t realize your teeth are chattering until Jongin looks at you with a worried expression. “Too cold?” he asks.
“Just about,” you admit sheepishly.
“Jeez, you’re not even wearing gloves,” he comments, reaching his hand out for yours. “Can I?”
You put your bare hands between his gloved ones, giggling as he rubs them together to generate some friction, blowing on them too for good measure. You’re too focused on him to realize a few minutes too late that the sun has set.
“Time to go home?” you ask.
Jongin nods vigorously. “Agreed.”
You all but jog back to the parking lot, eager for some reprieve from the unrelenting cold, laughing a little more with each step. What a sight the two of you must make: two grown adults trying to strike a balance between a leisurely stroll and a full-on run, trying and failing to stifle their giggles. You finally make it back, and Jongin walks you to your car, still holding your hand in his.
“I had a really great time today,” he says, smiling. “And I don’t want to make any assumptions so I’ll just wait for you to let me know if you—”
“Jongin,” you interrupt, squeezing his hand. “I already told you I want a second date, remember?”
He laughs self-consciously. “Right. Somewhere inside.”
“Somewhere inside,” you echo.
He laughs again, disarmingly endearing, and you find yourself unable to do anything but squeeze his hand once more, excited for what’s to come.
themes - power imbalance, romance, crime, justice, class divide, politics, sex
synopsis - In the sprawling, dystopian city of Emberhaven, where power and corruption reign supreme, the lives of two unlikely individuals collide in a tale of passion, intrigue, and moral reckoning. Chanyeol, an enigmatic and wealthy scion of the city's elite, finds himself captivated by the elusive Y/N, a cunning and resourceful thief who navigates the treacherous underworld of Emberhaven. Their first encounter, sparked by a chance meeting in a luxurious club called The Velvet Lounge, sets the stage for a whirlwind romance amidst a backdrop of crime, politics, and danger.
A/N - I started an internship and couldn't for the life of me find the tiniest sliver of time to focus on my hobbies. On one hand I am so so fucking happy and grateful that I have this amazing opportunity, at my dream organization, in the most perfect lab - but my social life and personal life have taken a major hit. I had this chapter and the next one ready for months and it's been sooo fucking frustrating not being able to upload. But hey...here they are now. Thank you for sticking around, my dearest readers. I love you guys so much!!
Chapter 12: Countdown, baby
8:00 PM
Chanyeol stepped into the Velvet Lounge, the familiar atmosphere washing over him like a cold drink on a hot day. The clink of glasses, the low hum of jazz in the background, and the faint buzz of conversation filled the dimly lit space. The Lounge was a haven of sorts—a place where deals were made in the shadows and secrets were shared over bourbon. It was a place where power didn’t come from being seen, but from knowing who wasn’t supposed to be seen.
Kyungsoo was already at the bar when Chanyeol spotted him, his usual calm demeanor betraying nothing of the gravity of the situation they were about to discuss. A glass of bourbon on the rocks sat in front of him, untouched. Chanyeol walked over, his tall frame making him stand out even in the subdued ambiance. He greeted Kyungsoo with a curt nod and sat down, motioning for the bartender to bring him a drink as well.
"What's going on?" Chanyeol asked, his voice low but direct.
Kyungsoo glanced around before speaking, his eyes sharp as they scanned the room for any unwanted attention. "Minseok's been digging into Lucio’s movements, and there’s been some... troubling developments," he began, his voice steady but tinged with a hint of concern. "One of the brownstone townhouses, which he now knows was Y/N's residence, went up in flames earlier today. Minseok suspects it wasn’t an accident."
Chanyeol stiffened. He had already been on edge after the events of the past few days, but this was different. He could feel it in the pit of his stomach. "And Y/N? What does Minseok think about her involvement in all this?"
Kyungsoo sighed, taking a slow sip of his drink before answering. "Minseok still considers her a suspect, especially with her connection to the raid. He believes Lucio might be using her, and there’s reason to think she’s still involved, even if indirectly."
"That’s bullshit, and you know it," Chanyeol snapped, his voice barely above a growl. His hands clenched into fists at the bar, knuckles white. "Y/N has nothing to do with Lucio. She’s innocent in all of this. She just... she got caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time."
Kyungsoo met Chanyeol’s gaze, his eyes narrowing. "And how exactly do you know that? How are you so sure?"
Chanyeol exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair as he fought to keep his temper in check. "She told me everything—about how she ended up at the raid, about the fire, all of it. She’s been through hell, and the last thing she needs is more suspicion. She’s staying with me now. I’m looking out for her.” he says through gritted teeth.
For a moment, Kyungsoo’s expression softened, but the edge of skepticism remained. "Look, I want to believe you, dude. But you know how these things work. People get involved with dangerous men like Lucio in ways they don’t even realize. I just…don’t want you to get blindsided."
Chanyeol leaned forward, his voice dropping to a dangerous whisper. "I’m not blinded. I love her, Kyungsoo. I won’t let anything happen to her."
There was a heavy silence between them, the weight of Chanyeol’s words hanging in the air. Finally, Kyungsoo nodded, his face unreadable. "Alright. But we need to be smart about this. I’m with you, but we need to tread carefully."
9:00 PM
The two men sat quietly at the bar, the low light casting shadows across their faces as they pored over the files Kyungsoo had brought with him. A thick folder sat between them, filled with information on Chanyeol’s father’s criminal legacy—things Chanyeol had only heard whispers of until now.
Kyungsoo flipped open one of the folders, revealing detailed reports on Lucio and Dom—two names that had haunted Chanyeol for as long as he could remember. These weren’t just enemies; they were remnants of his father’s empire, lingering like a dark cloud over everything he’d tried to build since his father’s death.
"Lucio was one of your father’s top enforcers," Kyungsoo said, tapping a grainy black-and-white photo of Lucio from years ago. "When your father fell, Lucio went rogue. He started building his own network, but he’s been keeping a low profile—until recently. Now, he’s making moves, and from what I can tell, Y/N got caught in the crossfire."
Chanyeol’s jaw tightened as he scanned the reports. There was a photo of Dom, his father’s closest confidante, smiling beside Lucio at some old gala event. "Why was Dom involved with Lucio?" Chanyeol muttered, flipping through the pages.
"Dom was your father’s right-hand man. He handled all the operations your father didn’t want to dirty his hands with. Lucio was just a tool for them both—a violent, unpredictable tool," Kyungsoo explained. "But after your father’s death, everything changed. Dom disappeared, Lucio took over parts of the operation, and now... now it seems like they’re both back in the game."
The implications of it all weighed heavily on Chanyeol. His father’s sins were still haunting him, and now, they were threatening the woman he loved.
As Chanyeol turned another page, a photo of Dom slid out from the file, landing on the bar. His fingers froze. Suho, who had been silently polishing glasses nearby, suddenly stopped mid-motion. His eyes locked onto the photo, his expression shifting from casual bartender to something much darker.
"Suho?" Chanyeol asked, noticing the change in his friend’s demeanor.
Suho’s hand trembled slightly as he picked up the photo, staring at it intently. "This man..." he began, his voice barely audible. "I’ve seen him before. Years ago, when I first took over running this place. He used to come here... but not for the drinks."
"What do you mean?" Chanyeol asked, his heart beginning to race.
Suho glanced around before leaning in closer, lowering his voice. "He wasn’t just a regular. He was here for meetings—quiet meetings with people who didn’t want to be seen together. Politicians, cops, businessmen. I overheard things. Things that could ruin careers, destroy lives. If I’m even seen talking about him, I know for a fact that there’s going to be a hitman waiting for me outside for when I leave."
Chanyeol’s mind was spinning. Dom had been operating in the shadows for years, even after his father’s death. And now, Lucio had picked up where he left off.
10:45 PM
Kyungsoo stepped outside to take a phone call from Minseok, leaving Chanyeol at the bar with Suho. The unease that had settled over him earlier was now fully blooming into anxiety. He couldn’t shake the feeling that something was horribly wrong.
As he sipped his bourbon, his thoughts drifted back to Y/N. She had seemed happy earlier—relieved to be away from the chaos that had consumed her life after the raid. But then the fire at her old apartment happened, and now Lucio’s name was coming up more and more. He couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling in his gut any longer.
"You look troubled," Suho said quietly, breaking the silence.
Chanyeol glanced at him, then down at his drink. "I am. Something doesn’t feel right. Y/N... she hasn’t responded to any of my texts for hours. And then there’s the fire. I wish I was there for her when she woke up, but I had to leave before the ass crack of dawn to track down a low-level thug. I thought he would somehow take me to wherever the fuck it is that I might have some answers - but he was a fucking deadend." Suho nods, while Chanyeol continues, “My heart breaks to think that Y/N most probably had to wake up by herself to the horrible news of her home of so many years burning down. Fuck!!”
"Do you think Lucio’s behind it?" Suho asked, his brow furrowing in concern.
"I don’t doubt it. He’s sending a message, to both me and Y/N," Chanyeol said, his voice tight with frustration. "He knows I care about her. The fucker is using that against me."
Suho nodded slowly, his face grim. "Be careful, Chanyeol. Lucio isn’t just some street thug. He’s been around a long time. He knows how to play the game."
Chanyeol put down his glass and rubbed his temples, letting out a low sigh. The weight of everything was pressing down on him, and he didn’t know how much longer he could keep it all together.
11:00 PM
Kyungsoo returned to the bar, his face pale, eyes wide with urgency. Chanyeol knew immediately something was wrong.
"What is it?" Chanyeol asked, his voice rising with alarm.
"Lucio," Kyungsoo breathed, barely able to get the words out. "He’s escaped. Killed three prison guards on his way out. Minseok just got the call."
Chanyeol’s heart stopped. For a moment, everything around him seemed to blur. Lucio was out—and Y/N hadn’t answered his calls in hours.
Fuck fuck FUCKKK!! Chanyeol grabbed his phone and dialed Y/N’s number again. The call went straight to voicemail.
"Kyungsoo, this isn’t a coincidence. He’s after her. He. knows. she’s important to me," Chanyeol said, his voice strained with panic.
"I know," Kyungsoo replied, his voice tense. "We need to figure out where she is, now."
Chanyeol paced back and forth, running his hands through his hair, trying to think of what to do. Every second that passed felt like an eternity. Y/N could be in danger—real danger—and he wasn’t there to protect her.
"We need to move," Kyungsoo urged. "Lucio’s not going to wait around."
11:50 PM
Chanyeol’s phone buzzed in his hand. A text. He unlocked it quickly, hoping it was Y/N, but his blood ran cold when he saw the message.
It was from a private number. Attached was an image—Y/N, tied to a chair in a dark, unfamiliar room. Her face was bruised, and she seemed unconsious. Below the image was a single line of text:
"2 AM. Come alone, or she dies."
Chanyeol’s heart raced as he stared at the message, his hands trembling. He could barely breathe. Time was slipping away, and if he didn’t act now, Y/N might not make it through the night.
"Kyungsoo!" Chanyeol shouted, showing him the message.
Kyungsoo’s face went ashen. "We don’t have much time," he said, his voice grim. "We need a plan."
Chanyeol didn’t respond. His mind was already racing, running through every possibility, every move he could make. But there was no time to think. He had two hours.
Midnight
Chanyeol stood in his apartment, staring at his phone. His hands were shaking, his thoughts a blur. He had always been in control—calm, collected, strategic. But now, everything was unraveling.
Y/N’s life was in his hands, and he had no idea how to save her.
The clock struck midnight. The countdown had officially begun.
A/N: So as I noted in this teaser thingy, I don’t really intend to be back on tumblr actively, BUT I just couldn’t resist writing for Kai!! This fic will be smutty, while also providing a bit of backstory that I feel he needs and deserves honestly. I fucking love this guy 💗
Pairing: Kai x F!Reader
Warnings: smut (p in v, oral), swearing, dom!Kai, dirty talk (but it’s not until Part 2 that shit gets degrading and dark)
Word Count: ~3.8k
“On your knees.”
It’s been forever and a day, since you last laid your eyes on Kai. Since then you’ve searched for him across the whole entire fucking sky. Whatever words you had expected him to say… you never would have dreamt of these.
On your knees.
The blood in your veins is on fire; it burns as the blue of his gaze starts to freeze. The blaze rises higher, so desperate to melt down this fortress of ice that you hadn’t believed you would find. Paid the rumors no mind—he’s a bounty hunter or a gun for hire, who would sell his soul to any well-paying buyer, or so everybody agrees—yet you’ve come here to seek out the true heart of gold that you know lies behind. But all gold can be sold and it seems that he’s taken his fees.
And now he’s set on taking whatever he damn well may please.
Your voice escapes your throat pathetically. “Kai, it’s me…”
Cocks his head. Lifts his brow. Silent laughter at what you just said. Obviously. But who you are doesn’t mean shit to him now. “Aye, I see.”
You might just choke. The heart that never once stopped beating for this godforsaken rogue just fucking broke.
He snickers down as if the beating of your heart is just a joke. The curl of those cruel lips holds even more force than his words. And that’s what brings you to your knees and makes you weak, so weak it hurts, as he comes close and rests his palm against your cheek, piercing your soul straight to the core with just one stroke.
Straight to the core. Summon what strength you have to speak, unsure whether the vows that you once made have any value anymore. “I’ve come back to you just as I swore…”
“Of course,” he utters as those ice-blue eyes seek out and strike the deepest truth in yours. “You’ve come to me just as you were before: still nothing but a worthless fucking whore.”
***************
--- Years Earlier ---
“Impressive.”
You smile over your shoulder as he comes up from behind to wrap his arms tightly around you, in a warm embrace that’s all at once affectionate and aggressive. Passionate and possessive. Just as his touch is every night when he pins you to bed and pounds you.
Kai is wildly impressed to see you standing tall at the helm of this ship where he’s found you. The ship is in shambles and beaten down, long since abandoned here out on the plains past the outskirts of town. Still the grandeur of spacefaring vessels like this never fails to astound you. The freedom that they represent gives you hope that someday you and Kai might escape from this planet that’s bound to the rule of a ruthless imperial crown.
Yet this starship is broken and dead. It feels good to stand here for a bit and pretend you can steer it—steer something for once in your life so that you can cling onto what little is left of your spirit, forge on towards the future instead of just having to fear it… but you know it’s best not to let false hope get to your head.
“You’d make a fetching pilot, love,” Kai purrs into your ear while he plants kisses on the soft skin of your neck. “So fucking hot I think you might stir up the engine of this wreck. Won’t be surprised if you just up and fly it off.”
The laughter on your lips melts into his, as you lean back to taste his kiss. “I wish I could. The two of us would fuck shit up in space so good.”
“Aye, that we would.”
For now Kai is more than content to fuck you up against the window of this spacecraft and you both know that’s exactly what’s in store. Know you were put upon this planet just to serve him as his filthy little whore. On any planet you would always be just that and nothing more.
Through the layers of both of your clothes you can feel the thick length of his shaft, pressed up against your lower half. Desperate hands reach into his pants to set him free and grasp at every perfect inch of him that you exist to worship and adore.
“Impressive,” you echo his words from before.
He chuckles in that playfully suggestive, sinful way that always hits you in the slick heat of your core. The man knows he’s massive. He wields his cock like a damn weapon of war.
But with you it’s a war fought for love and he makes it so pure.
It’s just unfathomable to you that this man is fucking yours.
You’ve only ever been to this small corner of the vast expanse of space, yet when you look upon his face, you have no doubt that he’s the most beautiful man in all the universe.
As ever in his presence you’re tempted to fall on your knees. It’s your favorite position: to kneel before him in submission. To swallow his cock till he fills your throat with his delicious release. Kai knows this but is ever the tease. He knows just what you’re wishing, but holds you up right where you are to prevent you from sinking so he can keep kissing your lips, one hand gripping your hips, while the other roams over the parts of your body that nobody else ever sees.
“K-Kai please…”
“What is it you want?” he sadistically taunts, and then animalistically grunts, as he feels the wetness of your cunt.
You can’t speak, at the touch of his fingers exploring the treasures they seek.
So he feeds you the words. “This big cock in that sweet little mouth of yours?”
“Yes—please, yes…!” you gasp, heightening his desire as well as your own as you handle his hardness with long strokes and squeezes, loving how it throbs in your tightening grasp.
Kai loves making you plead, getting off on the way that you moan for him over and over again. Till he’s ready to finally provide what you need. Ready now then he reckons. A wicked smirk crosses his mouth and it threatens to end you this second. “Indeed. Since you’re beggin’.”
At last then he lets you sink down to the floor, where you instantly bury your face in his crotch and start slobbering madly all over his cock because this is what you fucking live for.
He smells and tastes simply divine. Better than any man fucking should. Smash your nose in the fine golden hairs at the base of his dick and get drunk on his scent like it’s wine… swipe your tongue up the length in a sensuous line…God it’s good. The salt and sweetness and the musk with earthy undertones of wood. You know nothing of what gods exist in this world or the next, other than being certain that Kai is a living breathing god of sex.
His fingers tangle in your hair, pulling you closer into him and holding you right fucking there. It’s heaven when he plows your throat. No other feeling could compare. You reach to clutch at the firm muscles of his ass and meet his blue gaze as you eagerly wait for him to unravel and explode. The twinkle in his eye reminds you that you’re his and that he never wants to share, just as he’s yours and no one else deserves the privilege to take his precious load.
You take it down with your cheeks hollowed, throat contracting tight around him as he groans in utter bliss. Your love for him deepens with every drop you’ve swallowed, since the day when you first met and every day and night that’s followed. Didn’t think it would be possible to love him more than this. To be so cock-drunk and so lovestruck… fuck, it’s glorious.
Your worship of him always takes him somewhere far beyond the stars. So fucking far. He loves the whore you are, just as you love the whore he is. The kind of love that heals as deeply as it scars. You’re only whores for one another which is why the love you make is always pure no matter how dirty it is.
He worships you in turn, that filthy mouth on him a fire-breathing sin. Making you burn. Laying his claim to every last inch of your skin and every fiber of your being deep within. Your impulse is to be down on your knees for him but when the man insists on pleasuring your cunt—because for him your pleasure’s always at the forefront—well of course you just give in.
And then he fucks your cunt to pieces to make sure you won’t ever forget that his sex is the reason you’re living.
You can’t begin to wrap your mind around him being so damn perfect. But you sure as hell can wrap your pussy tight around the war weapon that’s pumping deep inside of you so powerfully erect. Both of you like it good and rough, and soon enough, this stranded spaceship’s not the only thing that’s wrecked.
The vessel tilts a little bit with his last thrust; this ship is huge but so is Kai, and he’s apparently so strong that he just rocked the goddamned deck. That shit is so insanely hot you might just die. Combust. Crumble to dust. As you both come down from the high, your pulse is racing and he traces its pace with his parted lips pressed to your neck.
The two of you remain entwined for hours, as you always do. Whispering sweet nothings that you wish could be true. Let’s just pretend this ship is ours. That the universe is ours. That we’ll fly away, and soar the skies someday, just me and you. But nothing is nothing regardless of how sweet it seems, and you can’t fly away from the fact that the universe bows to formidable powers. To forces that devastate dreams, through and through.
To the powers that be. Powers that crush all hopes of ever being free or being happy.
Kai reads your mind as your thoughts drift to that dark place. Knows that it’s time to tell you what he came to say, when he found you aboard this ship today, before he got distracted and ended up fucking your brains out past the farthest reaches of space. It’s not a message that he’s eager to convey. But it’s an order that you can’t really afford to disobey.
Still he wants you to stay, blue eyes begging you to as he softly caresses your face. Yet he knows on some level that dreams of resistance are silly to chase. That the price of just one slice of heaven is steep and there’ll be hell to pay.
He clears his throat and breathes in deep, wishing the price weren’t so damn steep. “Meant to tell you that he’s been… requesting your presence again.”
You had known to expect this. Chosen to neglect this. As if you could run to some empty abandoned starship to hide from the constant demands of that monster who thinks he’s a god among men.
But you can’t and to even attempt this… is useless and reckless. Though Kai referred to the imperial officer’s order as just a request, it was obviously a command. So you stand, smooth your skirt with a trembling hand—knowing Kai wishes he could hold on to you now and protect what is rightfully his—but your honor is yours to defend. No one else’s. All yours in the end.
He knows this too but wishes he didn’t. He hates this part. Watching you leave is the part when he cages his heart, locking it in a block of cement. “So you’ll just run off to him then?”
All too familiar with his defense mechanisms, you don’t halt your rhythm. The whole fiasco of this moment is always the same with him, despite the fact that he must know this isn’t something either one of you enjoys. So rather than rushing to blame him, or letting the swell of emotions inside you erupt into violence, you cast him a side glance, remind him in silence: it’s not as if I have a choice.
Evidently today the cement is much thicker than usual; the next words off his lips at your lack of response come off particularly cruel. “What, lost your dignity and your voice?”
God, he knows how to hit your inner slut, and make her want to die. To bleed her dry. His name escapes your throat in a defeated sigh. “Kai…”
He hates himself right now more than that monstrous fucking officer or anyone at all. Down to his core. Your knees just buckled and he rushes to catch you before you fall, but he’s so broken now himself that you both end up on the floor, down on your knees. The words he’d just uttered were driven by demons he’s struggling to bury—lately there have been a whole lot of these. Pulls you in close and releases his heart from its stone wall, as he dissolves into a mess of regrets and apologies. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
Inevitably you end up making love, which is the only answer when words aren’t enough. Soft and slow. But it has to end quickly, because you have somewhere to be. Can’t hold on to the afterglow. Leave before tears overflow. Just a few words then you have to go.
You wish Kai could see things from your point of view. He gives you every reassurance that he gets it; his response earlier was impossibly harsh but he clearly regrets it. Still you can’t help but feel as if he’s disappointed in you. Despite how authoritative the Imperium is and the consequences that are sure to ensue if you stand up against it… he sees your obeying the officer’s orders as something you’re making the choice to do.
And that view baffles you because how could you possibly choose to do something that fucking destroys you?
The officer knows all your weaknesses. If you should ever defy him he’d go after Kai, to hit you where he knows it would hurt you the most and you can’t stand to think or to speak of this. You’d rather die. And your fear of that terrible punishment forces your hand; you must heed his command. Without having to spell this shit out you just wish Kai would understand why.
“I understand,” he says, but he can’t meet your pleading gaze. He’s not quite certain whether what he said is true, and surely you would see right through. Instead looks out the spacecraft window at the distant stars that deign to cast their rays upon this conquered stretch of land. It feels like pity and that shit infuriates him in a million fucking ways. “I understand, I do. It just kills me to think of someone else inside you—”
“Kai, I’ve told you time and time again to trust me that he hasn’t…”
“That’s not even what I meant.”
“It’s what you said.”
With worlds of pain behind his plaintive eyes he reaches out to cup your cheek then smooths his thumb across the creases in your forehead. “What I meant is that I just can’t shake this sense that he’s gotten inside your head. To men like that nothing is sacred. He’s attracted to your spirit ‘cause he knows that he can break it. Wants to wait for you to give your body to him though it’s well within his power to just take it. And whatever little honor you’ve got left down to the final fucking shred… he won’t stop till it’s fucking dead.”
His warning chills you to the bone, because you know it to be true. For better or worse you’ve got some defense mechanisms of your own. Just a few. Brush off his touch and clench your jaw and let a little bit of spite sharpen your tone. “So then what would you have me do? Not all of us can be as honorable as you.”
Now his jaw clenches too. So hard that he might be at risk of breaking it. “The choice is yours, of course,” he mutters, eyes flashing an icy shade of blue. “Just know you’re making it. Don’t hide behind the lie your hand was forced.”
At that you turn to leave him with a scoff, throwing a bitter glare that tells him to fuck off.
But just before you disembark, you catch a glimpse of some metallic thing that glimmers in the dark. The mess of clothes that Kai had flung off of his shoulders when he fucked you up against the window, some hours ago… he’d had a gun tucked in among them and the sight of it right now is fucking stark. You have no reason to be shocked about it though.
He wasn’t hiding it from you; the fact that he’s been packing unauthorized arms is something you already knew. That doesn’t mean it’s something you wanted to know. Seeing this fatal metal thing strikes you as such a blunt reminder of what he intends to do. And you know where it’s bound to go.
Where your gaze and your thoughts wander his always follow. “There’s a strategy session set up for tomorrow,” he states in reference to the folks in your town who believe independence is something that any respectable person would die to defend. Even if it means battling forces against which they can’t even try to contend. “May be able to make concrete plans now that we’ve finally got enough guns stashed in our secret cargo. I already know better than to ask whether you’d want to attend. Guess the answer will always be no.”
The two of you have talked about this countless times before. And every time it turns to fucking when you both can’t bear the talking anymore. It’s irresponsible and immature, but in the rosy throes of youth, it seems to you love is the only fucking truth, the only thing you know for sure. The only thing that’s clear and pure. Love keeps you whole so you don’t fall apart from fear of what your hopeless-looking future has in store.
But you’re not that young, and you can’t just fuck away these pressing issues for that long. He can’t just kiss you to prevent the words from falling off your tongue. He knows it too and so you sit and talk for once and hope shit doesn’t go too wrong.
You admire and love him for being so brave and so strong. Tell him so. But that small band of big-hearted rebels is not somewhere you feel you’ll ever belong. He has to let it go.
And you have to let go of your hope that he might change his mind. That he might decide doing what makes sense to simply survive matters more than misguided delusions of honor chasing after some kind of freedom he won’t ever find.
You tenderly caress his face and feel the warmth of his blood rush to meet your hand. It’s all that you can do to pray his precious blood won’t spill someday fighting a war over some worthless stretch of land. This lovely planet is your home but in your eyes it’s all worth nothing without Kai. “I know how fiercely you believe in your brothers, and in your friends. In the rebellion that all of you have planned. What terrifies me is this feeling that it’s fucking doomed to fail and if you die… I can’t fathom anything worse. Of course I know the choice to fight with them is yours, but for my part I’m not as brave as all the others. I can’t bring myself to stand behind this cause when I’m afraid it won’t be worth it in the end. Please understand.”
Kai leans into your touch and turns his face to kiss your palm, cracking a sad smile to fight the tears that otherwise would come. Unshed they shine like stars hiding behind his eyes so blue. “Aye, I do.”
It’s a lie. Lie as big as the sky. But he hides behind it till it might become true, or at least fucking tries to.
At that it’s time for you to go, fearing that you should have done so hours ago. The sheer pressure of fear shatters you; fact is deep down it shatters him too. He just copes with his hopes and fears in a more complicated way.
“I promise I will always come back to you.” These are the same words that you always say, when you leave—words you fiercely believe—to assure him that nothing could keep you away.
When you leave him with those words Kai usually lets you, eventually once he’s done venting all his pent up rage and dealing every card he has to play. But evidently not today. “You wouldn’t have to. If you’d just stay.”
The way his voice trembles with gentleness, with selflessness, as he abandons every one of his defenses… it fucking kills you when he gets this way. It doesn’t happen often, and it always makes your heart open and soften. “That’s true. Maybe I can keep him waiting just one day…”
His eyes go wide, unable to believe that this is something you would actually decide. It makes him love you even more and suddenly he’s shy and blushing as if he thinks he’s unworthy of the privilege of your touch. “Or just one hour or one minute for I ought to know I shouldn’t ask too much—”
You shut him up with your forefinger pressed against his luscious lip. Provocatively bite your own to make it known that you want him to spend all day fucking you up against this ship.
Last time he did it shook the whole entire deck; maybe this time the sex will be so fucking hot that it’ll set fire to this wreck. Wouldn’t put anything past Kai. It’d be a perfect way to die.
Slamming your back against the window of this wrecked dreadnought, he effortlessly reads your every thought—goddamn that thought just now was a particularly bold one—and from his wicked smirk it’s plain to see that he agrees it would be perfect and insanely fucking hot. “You might want to hold on.”
And you do, clinging closely to him like the sky clings to stars at the coming of dawn. In the bright glare of day they’ll no longer shine through. But that won’t mean they’re gone.
Here tonight, and even if they’re out of sight, come morning light… all the stars in his eyes shine for you. With those stars guiding you, you’ll hold on.
***************
… To be continued in Part 2!
The plan is for Part 2 to explore more of the earlier timeline and also carry forward the opening scene of course, which is when dark degrading dom!Kai will be out in full force 🔥
If you’d like to be added or removed from the taglist for this fic (below), just let me know! Much love to all of you 💖
Masterlist
Taglist for this fic (based on responses to the teaser) – @midnightbabylon @rayslittlekitten @pikapuff-316 @youflickedtooharddamnit @laurfilijames @okin-awa @lovebittenbyevans @jmamas92 @theliterarybeldam @dirtytomatoedwrites @ughdontbeboring @netflix-imagines
Ash drifted through the streets like a second, heavier snow, clinging to skin and steel alike. Even now, the wind from the south carried the taste of it, old metal, scorched stone, the bitterness of a world that had ended too many times already. When the Six Empires clashed, nothing had been spared, towers fell, ancestry lines were erased, names forever lost.
The city still burned, on some nights the fire turned blue, on others, dark purple, poisoned by ever shifting clouds of molten acid.
It burned beneath the crumbled towers, where android and human had fought until there were no victors left to remember why.
That's where Jongin found Arisyn.
Kneeling in the dark between broken pillars and collapsed walkways, rain hissing as it struck her exposed conduits and split plating. Her synthetic skin had been torn open with deliberate precision, exactly where the Watchers blades struck. Decommissioned, discarded machinery, feared and misunderstood, her once unbreakable alloy gone, gold circuitry stripped away. What remained was left to the mercy of toxic rain, corrosion already eating into what had once been flawless.
“I will never run again.” Her voice faltering as it spoke, glitching between tones, as if each word fought to exist.
Her words felt final, yet something in her eyes searched for disapproval, for someone to tell her “No! It's not the end”
Jongin’s hand tightened on the hilt of his sword.
A knight without a king, bound by an oath to nothing that could name him. No longer human, or holy, he moved through the ruins as a relic of stubborn defiance, seeking redemption in a world that had forgotten the meaning of mercy, and why it ever mattered, refusing to die when so many like him had welcomed it.
He lingered in that space and time, an oddity, whispered about by survivors in the seedy corners of the citadel, a shadow slipping through portals and jump gates, always passing on, searching for a mission, a mercy or a death.
The war had taken more than banners and thrones, it had stripped him of his purpose. Without a king to serve, Jongin carried his vows like broken heralds, still heavy, still commanding, yet with no enemy left to face.
He wandered from ruin to ruin, chasing echoes of command that no longer came, haunted by the discipline drilled into his bones and the silence that followed its loss. Some nights he wished for orders, any orders, if only to quiet the hollow ache of choice. Other nights, he cursed the freedom he had bled for, drifting through a world that no longer had a place for knights and honour, only for survivors.
He lowered his hand and knelt before her, carefully untangling snapped wires and sparking circuits, the savagery of it slowing his breath. He cursed at deafened gods, as wires still charged carried a jolt through his fingers, then up arm and into his chest, waking every cell in its path.
Unaware of eyes upon him, he untangled her from the wreckage, whilst above, the Watchers gathered in silence, ominously creeping through the ruins, filling the shadows with their unnatural drawn-out stillness.
Their cloaked figures lined the upper walkways, unmoving, patient, foreboding. Men who had traded flesh for machinery in the promise of eternity, their faces removed and emptied of humanity, hidden beneath cowls of blackened chrome.
Amongst them stood the High Priestess Anthropeta. A serene, ageless, terrible master, beyond cruel, devoted not only to destruction but to undoing centuries of knowledge, piece by stolen piece, until nothing was left except a universal ignorance, a single, obedient mind with no will of their own.
Arisyn's source code was the final piece; The access buried inside her had the power to reshape the world, to bend it into something obedient and hollow and Anthropeta felt victory within her grasp, with each step she drew closer.
The first strike came without warning.
Energy blades screamed through the air, disintegrating stone and steel alike.
Jongin moved on instinct. His sword flashed, cutting down one Watcher, then another, and another, everything around him becoming a blur as sparks burst where steel met force, the impact ringing through the ruins, sharp and violent.
A blade caught his shoulder, then swiftly another tore into his ribs, then another pierced into his calf and another at his back, relentless hits until he couldn’t tell where the pain was coming from.
But he didn't slow, fighting on like a man who had already accepted death, pressing forward with reckless, brutal resolve, until synthetic blood darkened the fractured floor beneath his boots, Watchers falling under his blade one by one.
For a fleeting moment, relief brushed against him. Death was close, close enough to feel like rest, and part of him leaned toward it, craving the peace it'd bring. He was so very tired of choosing, tired of surviving without command of a crown, lingering after a war that had taken his king, and with him, the certainty of purpose. “Surrender!” He whispered softly to himself, promising silence at last.
But then his eyes found Arisyn's. Pleading, desperate, dreading the abandonment to a fate she didn't want.
Something older than despair stirred. Protection rose where the death-wish faltered, written deeper than loyalty, deeper even than grief. She carried a purpose, the way the world once had, ancient, guarded, enduring, and most importantly…hopeful. He could not lay down his sword while such meaning still breathed behind him. If he no longer lived for a king, then he would stand for what had survived, unbroken, when he had not.
Arisyn watched as his armour cracked, and his strength bled out with every breath, still, he stood, and he swung, each strike carrying a force that felt unhuman, as if will alone kept him upright. When the sword finally slipped from his grasp, he dropped to one knee, breath ragged, vision collapsing inward, knowing he had given his all.
Anthropeta descended the steps with unhurried grace, victory hovering within reach as she extended her chrome-plated fingers toward her prize.
Arisyn's ancient core drive, older than the wars, older than the empires that had risen and fallen and burned. Languages no one spoke anymore, histories of people erased from record, all the truths that were now buried to keep the present obedient and unknowing.
“No,” Arisyn whispered. “You are not worthy”, she added, helplessly covering her precious cargo, aimlessly swatting away the approaching end.
Unyielding, Anthropeta’s hand pressed against Arisyn's gold-plated chest, reaching for the faltering core.
Then something broke.
Ancient locks shattered within Arisyn, safeguards and firewalls collapsed by one and a foreign pressure flared through her frame, as her primary mother-board overloaded, ripples blazing white-hot, tearing free through every joint and seam. Then a single, high-intensity beam followed shortly, erupting from her chest, a scream of pure radiance sweeping across the chamber in a blinding arc.
The remaining Watchers froze mid-motion, synthetic bodies spasming as circuits liquefied and cloaks ignited, one by one falling where they stood, smoking ruins collapsing into silence.
Jongin did not hesitate.
Drawing on the last brutal surge of strength burning through his ruined body, he surged forward.
His hand closed around the hilt and with a cry torn from his chest, he drove the sword straight through Anthropeta’s cloak.
At first, his steel met resistance, then punched through.
The sound was wrong for the living, sharp grinding metal, followed by the wet crackle of severed wiring and failing power cells. Anthropeta stiffened, her mechanical breath catching, as sparks bled through her torn cape, unravelling in a hiss of dying circuitry mixed with synthetic blood.
The battlefield went silent, eerie and cold.
Ash drifted once more, the air tasting of metal and damaged ozone.
Jongin stood unsteadily, as the last of his strength faded away, and with it, the fury that had kept him alive. He stepped forward and lifted Arisyn into his arms.
His touches were careful.
Despite the tremor running through his battered frame, he held her as if she were fragile and irreplaceable, and not forged from metal and light, but made of flesh and blood. In the safety of his spent embrace, her systems dimmed, the glow within her fading to a soft, uneven pulse against Jongin’s chest.
Without looking back, the knight turned north, toward his recluse towers hidden in the shadowed quadrant of the city, and carried her home.
Killer!AU + “My tongue still remembers the way you taste.” + Degradation
(thinking reader who got away x killer if you wanna play w that)
killer!jongin x fem!reader || dialogue: "my tongue still remembers the way you taste." || kinks: degradation, fingering, bondage/restraints || warnings: mentions of killing, degrading names, talk of mental health, DARK so don't read if you are uncomfortable || wc: 760~
please remember this is all fictional. this work is NSFW and contains SMUT, if you are under 18+ DO NOT INTERACT
His tongue presses against the inside of his cheek when he sees you before him, the sight of you even more exquisite than what he remembers. The memory of when you were last caught in his trap seems like a lifetime ago but that was because he was young, inexperienced and you were so sweet and innocent – he was too gentle with you.
A mistake he hasn’t made since.
Your wrists are bound this time, tied to the headboard while your eyes watch as Jongin slowly undresses himself. You remember him too, a haunting nightmare that slowly started to turn into a twisted fantasy as you got older. Maybe you’re insane for liking this, maybe you should have gone to therapy but there was something about the thrill and the danger of him that had you searching for the man who tried to kill you after he made you see stars.
Maybe that was it, maybe your sex life has been so dull and bland since that night that you needed the darkness that came with him.
“My tongue still remembers the way you taste,” Jongin says in a deep voice, a low baritone that sends shivers right to your core. “I remember how sweet you sounded as you came around my fingers, how you begged for more like it was the air you breathed.” He’s naked in all his glory and you try to rub your thighs together for friction – only to remember he’s got your ankles tied too, legs spread apart. His hands trace along your body until he stands next to you, one hand massaging your breast while the other strokes his solid cock.
“Y-you remember me?” You don’t know why you’re surprised by this but you had assumed that he would have forgotten you in the midst of all his other exploits.
Nodding his head, he wets his lips, “you never forget your first.” He chuckles when your eyes widen, “you’re the only one to ever escape. The one who got away.” Jongin moves his hand down to your core, watching your face as you anticipate the stretch from his fingers. “Such a desperate little whore, aren’t you?” A warmth spreads across your face at the way he says those words, degrading but said with such a softness that you aren’t offended – it turns you on even more. “Why’d you come back?”
Those are the words that you are wondering yourself, the words that you are thinking at this very moment as fingertips tease along your hips and have you trying to encourage him lower. You could tell him the one reason that you’ve figured out, that you want to see stars once more but anyone could do that right? Anyone who is open and willing to indulge you could have your body grow limp as you shudder beneath them but… “I can’t stop thinking about you…”
Jongin barks out a harsh laugh as his fingers unexpectedly push into your dripping core. It’s amusing how wet you are, how easy you are when you’ve been through this and know how this will end. “So eager and willing to give yourself up for one night of pleasure?” He curls his fingers and presses them against your g-spot, giving you no time to relish in the feeling as he gives you what you’ve been wanting. Craving. “You’d let me do anything I want to you, wouldn’t you? My sweet little slut, so messed up that you think fucking the man who tried to kill you once is the only way to feel good.” His words are spoken like he’s talking to a loved one but the words themselves hit you in a way that you cannot describe.
You should hate it but you can’t. You shouldn’t want this but you do. It shouldn’t make you want more but fuck, you’re crying out for it as he has you on the edge of your first orgasm.
“Pathetic.” He scoffs, pulling his fingers from you and smirking as your eyes open in disbelief, body trying hard to tip over the edge without the previous stimulation. He brings those fingers to his lips as he tastes you, humming pleasantly as he remembers your first time together. “You are as sweet as I remember.”
Maybe he won’t kill you afterwards, the thought crosses his mind as he looks down at you and thinks about how he’ll never be able to get his fill again if he does. Maybe he won’t kill you but he’s certainly not letting you go again.
Xiumin - How he handles people who under-estimate him
Your boyfriend was the king of surprising people. He had a youthful face but was nearly 33. He was chill and quiet but a world-famous kpop idol. He looked sweet and innocent but was cheeky and incredibly powerful...which one jackass found out.
You and Xiumin went to the gym together often because he didn't always have a lot of free time and every minute counted. Lately, a new guy had started coming to your gym and he was so annoying. He'd take up more space than necessary, thought he knew better than anyone and always liked to give the female gym goers in particular tips about what they were doing wrong. Xiumin hadn't seen him before as he'd been touring recently but you pointed him out to him the second you walked in together. Xiumin kept an eye on him but had no problems...until the guy appeared at his machine and started watching him. Xiumin could tell the guy had something to say but purposefully ignored him, not wanting to give him any attention...however that didn't stop him.
"Are you are you should be using this machine?" the guy asked and Xiumin looked at him "what makes you ask that?". "Just it's for proper body bulders not softer guys". Xiumin bit back his comment and smiled "I'm fine thanks" but the guys didn't let it go. "No but if you hurt yourself I'm the one who will have to save you". "Is there an issue here?" you asked coming over and Xiumin shook his head "don't worry it's all good" and put some more weights on his machine. "Come on little guy, you don't want to load too much on just to try and look good in front of a girl" the man said. Xiumin looked at you and nodded "you're right I do want to look good in front of her" and he put more on. The guy kept telling Xiumin he wouldn't be able to do it all the way up until Xiumin lifted the bar effortlessly above his head. The man's jaw dropped as he did 15 perfect reps and then set the bar down. "Hey Y/n can you hold my jumper?" he called taking it off and revealing his huge arms. "Sure thing babe" you called back and smirked as the guy's jaw dropped again.
He watched Xiumin do 30 more sets, just to be sure of course, and then interrupted. "Hey I'm so sorry, you just look so cute and tiny. I never thought you'd be able to lift that or have a girl like that" he admitted. Xiumin laughed "hey it's cool man, I mean it's not like you can control your thought rights?". "Yeah exactly!" the guy said but Xiumin shook his head "wrong. You can control your thoughts with enough will power and now I know what's going on in that head if I ever see you looking at my girlfriend again I'll show you just how not cute I am". "Hey there's no need to get testy" the guy said but Xiumin wasn't done. "Actually there is, let's say you are too weak-brained to control your thoughts that doesn't mean you say them out loud. You keep them to yourself instead of forcing all of us to listen to you. You seem to think we all want to hear you but we don't!" Xiumin said "so why don't you do everyone here a favour and find another gym huh?". The guy saw a member of staff just watching and looked at him "are you going to let me talk to him like that?". The member of staff remembered how just earlier today the man had knocked over a row of yoga blocks without picking them up, never rolled up his mat and ignored all the signs asking gymgoers to tidy up after themselves. "Yeah I am" he replied and the guy stormed out.
You rushed over to Xiumin and hugged him. Xiumin assured you he was okay but that wasn't why you were wrapped around him. "Okay that was hot" you whispered in Xiumin's ear and you felt his tension go from anger to something else. "It was?" he asked and you nodded "Incredibly hot, I love it when you tell assholes off. It always puts me in the mood...but you have another 30 minutes of your workout regime to do so guess I'll just have to wait" you said sighing dramatically and went to move away before Xiumin caught your hand "I think I can cut it short today". "Really?" you asked "but I know how important getting a good workout is for you". "Yeah well don't worry, I'll be getting a good workout, we both will" and you couldn't even pretend to fight it anymore.
So the two of you left hand in hand with huge smiles on your faces. Very keen to get home and start the home workout you had planned.
Suho - How he doesn't care what people think
Suho would do anything for you and you meant anything. He did not care what the task was or how it made him look, if you wanted it, he'd do it. Once when your dog lost her toy in a fountain Suho just dove right in and retrreied it for her. He didn't care he was wearing expensive clothing or surrounded by people all watching him. You needed something and he got it. Then another time he got photographed while on a tampon run for you. You worried he'd be mad but he couldn't have cared less and when you pressed him on it he simply said "why would I care about what people other than you, my family and the guys think?" and you felt like the most special person in the world to be included in that group.
You still had no idea how far Suho was willing to go for you though until one night...
You and Suho were at a nice fancy restaurant for your 2 years anniversary and everything was going great...until you realised there had been some food on your chair before you sat down. It was brown-coloured too and had a strong resemblance to something you really didn't want on the back of your dress. Of course, you noticed right after you'd paid and were about to leave the restaurant. Neither you nor Suho had jackets because it was summer and to get to the exit you had to pass rows and rows of tables all pointed at you. You knew a few people here too and really didn't want them seeing you like this. Suho suggested shielding you with his body as you walked but you knew that would look so odd. Suho could see you were getting really stressed and came up with a solution.
"Okay here are the car keys, wait for my signal and go" he told and he hurried off before you could ask what the signal was. So you sat wondering what on earth to go when you heard an almighty crash. You, and everyone in the restaurant, turned and you gasped to see Suho covered in some spaghetti and red sauce, surrounded by a ton of broken plates and a very pink waiter. The waiter was apologising profoundly while Suho told them it was okay. You were staring in shock before Suho saw you and motioned to the door. "It's fine really!" Suho said and pretended to slip on some sauce and fall back into the trolley, spilling more food. You couldn't believe Suho would go this far for you and hurried from the restaurant. Nobody even batted an eyelid at you and you made it to the car still in shock.
10 minutes later Suho appeared wearing a t-shirt and shorts that weren't his with a white bag which you assumed contained his clothes. He got in and sighed "phew I'm ready for home!". "I'll say" you replied "what was that?". "What was what?" he asked before nodding "oh that? Well you needed a distraction and I was more than happy to give it". "But you hate breaking social conventions and embarrassing people". "Yeah but I hate you being upset more" he replied and you blinked. Suho the most polite, kind soul in the world would cause a scene in a nice restaurant just so you didn't feel bad.
You kissed him and Suho blinked "what was that for?". "For doing that for me, it was really sweet and I honestly very hot. Not a lot of guys would be willing to utterly embarrass themselves for their girl". "Well I'll always do it for you" Suho said and he leaned in to kiss you again before wincing as his arm brushed the seat. "Suho what's wrong?" you asked looking at his arm before gasping when you saw a cut. "Your poor arm!" you cried inspecting it and Suho shook his head "it's fine..." but you weren't having it. "No it's not! We're getting you home where I can clean your arm and then we're taking a shower" you said putting the car into gear. Suho nodded happily before one thing stood out to him "you said we're taking a shower". You nodded "that kiss got cut off a bit prematurely right? Figured we could make up for it in the shower if you wanted?". Suho sat up straighter and nodded "yep! And feel free to skip any red lights you want to get home". You laughed shaking your head "slow down, what's the rush. I said you'd get a reward and you will, just sit back and relax". Suho looked at you with a smile and did as you said.
You'd never seen him tenser in your life...but you more than made up for it.
Lay - His innocent face when he's doing something bad.
Lay had a very chilled personality and a very beautiful innocent face to match...but Lay was far from innocent and he caused a lot of trouble for you with that combination.
Lay loved to tease you, especially when other people were around. His favourite trick was to rest his hand on your thigh or lower back when you were talking to someone. He'd tap his fingers against your skin or rub circles and just drive you crazy. He'd always shoot you an innocent confused look when you stared at him but you knew he knew what he was doing and that made him even hotter.
As he got more confident he started doing it around his members. You were eating with Exo one night when you noticed Lay watching you. You weren't sure why until you felt someone's foot budging yours. You soon realised it was Lays as he was sat across from you and kicked it away playfully but it just came back and started making it's way up your leg. Your eyes widened and you stared at Lay sure he wouldn't be doing something like this but he just smiled slightly and carried on eating like nothing was happening. Then when his leg got to a certain height you couldn't take it. You jumped, kicking the table and nearly gave Baekhyun a heart attack as he fumbled with his drink. "Jesus Y/n don't do that!" Baekhyun said and you gasped "I'm sorry!". "What's wrong?" D.O. asked and you shook your head "nothing my leg just fell asleep" and Baekhyun shook his head at you but Lay was softly smirking.
After that you decided to pout and not speak to him but when you all moved to the living room to watch a movie Lay actually got Sehun to swap seats so he could sit next to you. When you still didn't respond to him he hovered over your shoulder "are you mad at me?" he asked softly and you nodded "yes". "But I didn't do anything wrong" he said shaking a hand around the back of you where the boys couldn't see. "Yes you did" you sayd and elbowed his hand away. Lay sat back but wasn't done that easily. He could see how tense you were and knew you wanted him.
So he waited for the movie to start and then asked Suho for a blanket which he spread over the two of you. Lay had purposefully left his hands out so that when he touched you, his hands were cold making you jump. The guys noticed you move and Baekhyun laughed "leg fell asleep again?". "Something like that" you nodded and put your hand over Lay's to stop him from moving it. All he did instead was move closer to you, pulling you onto his knee. You tried to ignore the feeling of him pressed up behind you and focus on the movie but it was so difficult. You released Lay's arms and he wrapped them around you burying his head in your neck. "Lay!" you whispered and he looked at you "what? The movie's scary Y/n and you're my comfort person" and buried his head kissing your neck. You were torn between wanting Lay to continue and not wanting the guys to see anything.
Finally, 30 minutes later Kai paused the film for a bathroom break and you sprang up to go get a drink from the kitchen. Lay of course followed you and you ambushed him as soon as he walked through the door. You pushed him against the door and kissed him hard. You got all your pent-up tension out and let your hand wander over Lay the way he'd been doing it to you. Lay loved it and was soon panting and gripping you tightly. When you could feel him getting desperate you pulled away and he blinked his eyes open. "Want to go upstairs?" Lay asked and you smiled pretending to consider it before shaking your head "nahhh you're getting punished not rewarded. I hear the movie's 3 hours long so have fun thinking about what you did" and you strode back into the living room and purposefully took a seat sandwiched between Suho and Chen.
Two could play this game and Lay's pouty lips were your best reward.
Baekhyun - How everyone wants him...but he only wants you.
Baekhyun was hot and everyone knew it. He also wasn't shy and that meant he attracted a lot of attention from everyone within a 50-mile radius who was attracted to men. You knew Baekhyun was a flirt and didn't mind him flirting back with other idols for one important reason...he was yours.
So part of you loved to see the effect Baekhyun had on other people. Watching people stare after him and get giddy when he spoke to them made you realise how in-demand your boyfriend was. You knew it was petty but you just couldn't resist it. It also had an added layer as the two of you weren't out as a couple and couldn't be together in public. So nobody but you and Baekhyun knew what this was all about and it made you feel so special to have him as your precious secret and because Baekhyun knew you liked it he did it even more.
It was almost like a game and you watched as Baekhyun entered the party with his Exo members and noted who was watching him. A few people called out to him as he passed and he waved to them before heading to the bar. Baekhyun smiled as he passed you and you tried not to react. It took 5 minutes after Exo sat down for some people to join them at the table. The girl in question purposefully sat on Baekhyun's right and you saw her trying to get his attention. He eventually humoured her and started chatting to her. She blushed as he said something and then burst out laughing patting his arm. Some of the people were so obvious in their attraction to Baekhyun but you couldn't blame them, your boyfriend was sexy as hell.
Then the Exo boys got up to dance and Baekhyun managed to lose the girl but two more appeared on the other side of him. "Aren't you going to go out there and compete for him?" your member, who knew you were dating Baekhyun, asked. You smiled "why compete when you've already won?" but did join in the dancing a little later and caught Baekhyun staring at you, past some girls dancing in front of him. His gaze always reassured you and made you feel like the most desirable person in the world. Baekhyun just had that effect on you.
Baekhyun loved seeing the glint in your eye and the pride on your face and when he couldn't take it anymore he came over to you. "How it's going ladies?" he asked addressing all your members and they all gave him responses before his eyes fell to you "Y/n?" he asked sinking into a seat next to you. "How are you?". "I'm good" you said "I enjoyed watching you having fun. Seems like you're quite popular". "I am" Baekhyun admitted "women like me but I already have a gorgeous one I'm crazy for". "Yeah but they're all gorgeous girls too" you replied "she can't be that special". "She's the hottest, funniest, smartest woman I've ever met so yeah she's that special" he said and you smiled. "Speaking of, I miss her so I'm gonna go head home to her". You all said goodbye to Baekhyun and 10 minutes later your member passed you your coat.
The second you got outside you were swept into someone's arms and Baekhyun's lips were on yours. You kissed him back happily and when you separated kept your foreheads pressed together. "Hi" Baekhyun said and you giggled "hi". Baekhyun saw your flushed cheeks and smiled "I can't believe this works for you every time". You shrugged "I like to feel special and you make me feel special, is that so bad?". "No not at all" Baekhyun said kissing you again before pulling you towards a taxi so he could get you home. "Plus it's funny to see how far you're going to push it...sometimes I think you like to push it so I'll punish you", Baehyun smirked widely telling you, you were correct. "What on earth gave you that idea?" he asked and you laughed. "I can see right through you" you whispered "and I know you're mine". "I am" Baekhyun said with a huge smile on his face "so what are going to do with me?". His timing was perfect as always as his apartment came into view. "Why don't we go find out?" you replied.
Chanyeol - How quickly he can change from cute to hot
Chanyeol knew pretty much everyone in the idol business and being a likeable boy, he had lots of friends. So whenever you went anywhere bubbly idol Chanyeol made an appearance but your Chanyeol was never far away.
Your car pulled up to the event and Chanyeol hesitated, searching his phone for the ticket. Chanyeol didn't need the ticket to get in, he'd get in because he was Chanyeol, but you thought it was sweet how he never assumed and still got his invite up. "You ready?" he asked turning to you when you'd found it and you nodded but Chanyeol could see you were unsure. "You look beautiful Y/n" he told you and you paused sighing. You were a stunt-woman and had gotten bruised on a stun slightly so were worried you didn't look your best. "Are you sure?" you asked "because I can always go home if people will ask about my appearance". In response Chanyeol kissed you "the only thing people will be talking about is how fucking hot you look in red and how lucky I am" he said and together you stepped out of the car. You were still blushing from Chanyeol's comment but he was now waving at fans and beaming at the staff. He had his cute face on but when he looked at you, you saw that falter slightly and he shot you a smirk and a wink before waving to the crowd once more. Only you got to see the way he looked at you and you loved that.
Once you got inside the party Chanyeol was in his element, surrounded by all his friends and colleagues. He chatted to them all and of course included you in all the conversations. Even when the conversation was about something work-related, he'd hook an arm around you or play with the texture of your dress just to let you know he was thinking about you. Chanyeol lived to make you feel special and it was so sexy.
The party passed in a blur and before you knew it you had to leave to do some quick errands. The two of you were waiting for your ride but everyone that passed said something to Chanyeol and he knew them all. You were amazed he could actually be friends with so many people but your boyfriend was just that friendly! "I can't wait to get home" Chanyeol said and you nodded "yeah I need out of this dress and into something comfy instead". Chanyeol smiled "I can help you get out of that dress" and you paused taken aback by how quickly his voice changed. He could say something like that and make you tense up with anticipation in seconds.
Before you could response a couple came over to say goodbye. They knew each other from school and the guy couldn't believe Chanyeol actually remembered him but that was Chanyeol's charm. "Have a great night, say hi to your parents for me!" Chanyeol called waving to them as they walked away before moving back in "how about we skip the dry cleaners and just go home?". You paused "but don't you need that for tomorrow?". "I do but I need you more" he replied and the whiney note in his voice made you nod "okay yeah let's go" and you tugged him towards the exit. Chanyeol laughed but didn't move "easy tiger we've got to wait for our car remember?" he asked showing you the screen of his phone with the taxi. You groaned "this is why we should always bring a car". "To be fair the driver's 2 minutes away, we wouldn't have got home much quicker". "Yes but we could've used the car!" you said "you have blackout windows" and Chanyeol froze "I never thought of that". You could practically see the plans forming in his head. "I've got an idea" he said whispering in your ear again and you were desperate to hear what he was going to say when Red Velvet appeared and Chanyeol turned into big brother mode.
He insisted on picking up Yeri tomorrow because she had no ride to av event they had and Yeri turned to you "is he always like this Y/n? So sweet and kind?". You smirked looking at him "he is but he also has a darker side" and all the girls "ohhhed" while Irene frowned "as in bad boy side?". You paused "more sexy side" and Chanyeol went bright red as all the girls laughed. As luck would have it, your taxi had just pulled up outside and so Chanyeol separated you from the girls and got you in the car. "Can't believe you told them about my sexy side" he whispered to you and you laughed "why was it a secret? All I'm saying is your company needs you to star in a kdrama yesterday!". The taxi driver asked directions and Chanyeol told him before turning back to you with his sexy mode on. "The only person I want to perform for is you" he said and you smiled "good point, you still haven't given me a show of your latest comeback song". "Sir are we heading to the dry cleaners or home?" the taxi driver and this time Chanyeol didn't turn his mode off. "Straight home" he said never taking his eyes off you "I've got the show of my life to star in".
D.O. - How he commands respect without even raising his voice
Now you were only human, so you did find it quite hot how none of the Exo members messed with your boyfriend. Even Baekhyun fled after causing any trouble and you quite enjoyed the power he held. He might not be the tallest or strongest but he was the scariest and that was so goddamn attractive!
This thought occurred to you anytime you were around the guys and on this occasion, you were on holiday together. The guys did have some filming to do first though and you were relaxing in the sun while they worked and found yourself watching them. They were debating where would be best to film and Kai suggested somewhere but the manager said they shouldn't in case they got a tan. D.O. immediately objected to the idea of dark being bad (because it's not) and argued until the shot the video in the sun. Then in between takes Baekhyun found a water gun and began squirting the other members. He wasn't even aiming at D.O. but when your boyfriend turned around Baekhyun flinched and you smiled at D.O's confused face.
You could see the guys scheming though as Baekhyun whispered to Chanyeol and Sehun and knew he was planning something but so did D.O. When the director called cut Baekhyun turned to squirt D.O. but he was ready and he simply picked Baekhyun up and dumped him kicking and squirming into the pool. It was hilarious and you laughed along with the others then D.O. also pushed Sehun in who dragged Chanyeol and it was even better! The guys were all slightly in awe as were you but D.O. just shrugged it off, giving his mic to the staff and walking over to you. "Want to go on that walk?" he asked you and you nodded "yeah let's go" and walked away feeling like a very proud girlfriend.
It wasn't even his members who reacted this way to D.O. As you walked down the street vendors called out to you but not with the typical cheesy lines. Instead, they greeted you both professionally and addressed him as sir and gentleman. You stopped off at a jewellery stand because D.O. saw you looking at it and once again the man deferred to D.O. and treated both of you with the upmost respect. You got a good deal for the bracelet you liked and a beautiful bag to put it in and you suspected it was because the man didn't dare try anything with D.O.
As you left you wandered to the beach and you curled up next to D.O. You were affectionate but this was more than usual and D.O. smiled "if I knew it would make you this happy I'd have bought you 5 bracelets" he said. You smiled shaking your head "it's not the bracelet it's you". "Me?" he asked "why what have I done" and you explained everything you'd witnessed. "You're just so strong and have such a presence, it's so hot! You don't even realise either and that makes it even hotter you're a natural-born commander". D.O. was impervious to most things but your compliments always broke him and he smiled at you happily. "Really?" he asked "you like that about me?". "A lot" you agreed staring at him and D.O. smiled "well how about we go back to the hotel and I intimidate the guys a little more and then we disappear somewhere together". You jumped to your feet and held out your hand for D.O.'s "let's go!".
It was an incredibly fun business trip/holiday.
Kai - The way he looks at you
Now when most people think of Exo Kai's best feature probably don't think of his eyes. The go-to is probably his hips which move like butter, his chiselled abs, golden tan or his pouty lips. All things which people imagine they could get a lot of use out of but your favourite feature about your boyfriend was his eyes and they could drive you as crazy as any other body part.
Kai wasn't a rookie idol, he'd learned to perfectly shape his face into a mask no matter his inner feelings and so he had to be subtle when he teased you in public...for that he used his eyes. You could be across the room at an award show and you'd feel his gaze on you and blush. Or you'd be at a dinner with friends and he'd catch your eye across the table. He'd smile and tilt his head to the side and you'd know what he meant. His eyes conveyed it all and when they asked if anyone wanted dessert you both said no. Kai also used his eyes to make sure you were okay whenever you were at public events. It was just a slight softening of them and a small nod and you'd know what he was asking and feel so reassured by him.
So you adored Kai's eyes but he had no idea about this. One day you were with the Exo members and somehow Kai's body had come up as a topic. It was lighthearted and they were just debating which body part of his they would take if they could. You were leaning against Kai, his arm around your holding you close when they turned the topic to you. "Y/n what do you think Kai's best feature is?" they asked. You'd just gotten back in the country today so were a little sleepy and replied "his eyes" before yawning. "His ass?" Baekhyun asked and you laughed "no his eyes!". "His eyes?" Chanyeol asked confused and you nodded "yeah I think it's his most beautiful feature. They're such a beautiful colour and they're very expressive. He can tell so many stories with his eyes alone". The guys all made noises and you found yourself blushing because you'd admitted an intimate detail of your life.
At the next opportunity, Kai got you alone and asked you about it. "Do you really go weak for my eyes?" he asked and you went bright red. "You do!" he cried "how did I never notice this before? I'm totally using this". "That's why I didn't tell you! I didn't want you thinking you could just bat your pretty eyes at me and I'd do whatever you wanted" you said. Kai smiled "but you will though...or at least will do somethings when I bat my eyes at you" he said his hands snaking around your waist and finding their way under your top. "Kai!" you scolded him "your friends are all in the next room" but he just smiled "so?" and that made his eyes smile too which made you sigh. "How can you say no to them Y/n?" he asked batting his eyes at you and moving so you could see them at different angles. "You know you want me" Kai whispered and you were jus about to give in when Chen walked in. "Sorry didn't mean to interrupt I just need some water" he said and awkwardly made his way to the sink and filled a glass. That interruption though was enough to give you a breath of non-Kai air and when he turned back to you, you were ready. "Nope" you said as he reached out to you "I'm not going to be yours anytime just because your eyes are amazing. So we're going to sit in there, I'm not going to look at you and then I will punish you later for what you've done". "Yes please!" Kai said and you sighed "you're not meant to like your punishment!". "Oh but I know I will" Kai grinned and you shook your head "you're unbelievable!". "Just wait until later when you punish me" he replied and you shook your head "I'm leaving now". Kai called after you but you couldn't look back...because you knew you'd see what those beautiful eyes were doing and crumble.
Sehun - How he stand-up for you
You knew Sehun wasn't a fan of confrontation and always wanted people to get along, so when his friend Sanghoon took a disliking to you after a misunderstanding, you were unsure how he'd respond but Sehun handled it perfectly.
Sehun tried to play nice at first, he was polite and explained the misunderstanding before encouraging the two of you to try and move past it. However, when his friend made it clear on numerous occasions he had no interest in getting to know you and rudely rebuked all your attempts to be friends, Sehun called it. He took him to one side at a party and told his friend he could either speak to you respectfully or leave. Which Sanghoon did not like.
"We've been friends for 4 years! You're going to ditch me for some girl?". "Her name's Y/n" Sehun replied sternly but calmly. "I don't give a shit what her name is!" his friend replied and Sehun took a breath, looked at you to make sure you were all right and then carried on. "Don't disrespect her or be rude to Y/n in front of me ever again. I know we've been friends for 4 years but that doesn't mean you get a pass for behaving badly. Y/n is my girlfriend but even if she wasn't she doesn't deserve to be spoken of like that and I won't bring someone into her life who treats her that way. If your behaviour changes then we can talk but until then, please get out" Sehun said gesturing to the door. "You're not even going to hear me out?" his friend asked and Sehun shook his head "not unless there's an apology for Y/n". "but I've done nothing wrong!" he cried and started ranting but Sehun held up his hand "I've said all I wanted to, please leave. Now".
You'd never considered Sehun and intimidating person before but the way he stood tall and stared at his friend, daring him to disagree or argue was very impressive and hot. You watched as Sehun's friend backed down and left without another word. Sehun made sure you were okay and then made sure all his other guests were okay. He was an excellent host so you didn't get to thank him until later when everyone had gone.
"Thank you" you said "for standing up to Sanghoon like that". Sehun shook his head "you don't need to thank me". "Yes I do" you smiled grabbing his hand so he couldn't turn away from you. "Some guys care more about what other guys think of them than their partners and you can never be 100% sure what is said behind your back...if you can trust a guy but with you, I now know I have no need to worry. You've got my back". "Of course!" Sehun said his hands coming to your waist so he could hold onto you "Y/n I'll always defend and support you. You're my everything and if anyone had a problem with that, well they can follow Sanghoon right out the door".
You smiled "it was really hot too you know, how you acted all alpha and told him to leave". "It was?" Sehun asked and you nodded blushing "I've never seen that side to you but I liked it". "Hmmm" Sehun said, his glorious eyebrows creasing in thought "would you maybe like me to bring this, and I'm using your words here, alpha-likeness to the bedroom sometime?". "Yeah sometimes and by some time I mean tonight". Sehun grinned "of course" and he swiftly picked you up over his shoulder and raced up the stairs. You were squealing with laughter as he carried you like you weighed nothing but all that stopped when he laid you down with a serious look on his face. Only then did you stop to think what you'd done...you turned your already hot boyfriend into an even hotter boyfriend.
_____
To celebrate their comback here’s some sexy Exo! I adore Hear Me Out sooo much and wasn’t planning on posting this now but knew I had to bump it up!
Pairing: ? (at this stage undecided) x Reader or is it Baekhyun x Reader ?
Warnings: 18+ fic, minors DNI! angst, fluff, suggestive text, making out, confessions of feelings. Not many warnings for this one but she's deeply in her head for a decent portion of this chapter.
Word Count: 22,599
A/N: Here it is. The final chapter. Like most of my writing in the back half of this fic, it was supposed to be considerable shorter but then I let the brain worms control my fingers and now you get this behemoth of an ending. It's only had one very quick edit so I hope it makes sense and isn't a let down.
7 years ago I knew the ending for this fic, but when I was plotting out the chapter that ending simply didn't fit anymore so we've got a new ending and I hope it doesn't let you down.
The flight home left you with a lot of time to think. You had asked Minseok and Baekhyun to let the rest of the guys know about your meeting, telling them that Junmyeon could probably fill in more of the details that you’d left out when you’d broken the news to them. Your mind had been focused on getting to Minseok’s reward at the time, so discussing the feedback you’d received in great detail was not front of mind.
Feeling overwhelmed with your own thoughts, you’d also asked them to tell everyone that you had requested some space. From them. You just couldn’t handle any of them right now. You’d assured Minseok & Baek when you’d all woken up the next morning that they hadn’t overstepped or done anything, but that your mind was too busy and too much for you right now. The internal storm had been brewing for quite some time but you’d constantly pushed it down, too busy to deal with silly things like the future, feelings and relationships. But once the tour ended and the rewards were completed (inconveniently on the same night) it all came crashing down on you. The floodgates had been opened and you didn’t know how to act normal and not drown in your own mind at the same time. You needed space to simply exist. Space to sort out your mind before you did something utterly stupid and reckless. You’d promised to never disappear on them again without talking to them, and whilst you felt a bit guilty for withdrawing from them like that you had provided warning, and as much context as you could. Baekhyun refused to let you leave until you promised him you weren’t self-destructing. That you weren’t going to disappear and not respond to them.
“You said you wouldn’t do that again. You said you’d lean on at least one of us when you were struggling.” He said, his eyes full of concern as he watched you nervously pace around the room.
“It’s different this time. I’m not sad, or feeling lonely or headed to a dark place mentally.” You stopped in the middle of the room as you tried to hold off the panic attack that you could feel building within you. You needed to go. You needed to be away from it all. You needed them to understand. “It’s just loud. And overwhelming. And I need time to be by myself to sort through everything.”
“But you’re asking us to not contact you.” He looked down at his hands. “How will we know if you’re ok?”
“It won’t be for long. I hope. Just give me a week, then Minseok or Kyungsoo can check in to make sure I’m ok.” You said.
“Why not me?” He asked so quietly that you barely heard the words.
“Because I know they’ll just check in with me and nothing more until I’m ready to chat.” You smiled at him. “You wouldn’t be able to help yourself. You yap. It’s just part of who you are.”
“I hate this.” He grumbled.
“I don’t like it either, but I’ll do it.” Minseok replied. He looked worried for you as well, but he could tell you weren’t going to bend on this request. He didn’t want to back you into a corner. He knew if any of them did that, they ran the risk of you running from them. He hated to see you struggle with your thoughts but he hoped he knew you well enough to know that you’d reach out if you needed to lean on them. Even if you weren’t ready.
“Fine. I’ll do it as well, but know that I truly do not like this. Not one bit.” He sighed, resigned to your decision. He realised his words may have come across too harsh when he saw guilt flash across your features. “I’m sorry. I’m not mad. I’m just worried and wish I, or any of us, could help.”
You nodded. “I get it. I would hate it if any of you did this to me. Trust me I feel shitty about it, but I need to go deal with some stuff that I’ve been putting to the side because I simply didn’t have time to process it.” You shifted nervously on your feet, itching to leave the room. You felt your heart rate increase, and breathing was becoming difficult. You had to leave before your panic was obvious to them. You weren’t sure why you were so wound up this morning, but you knew you just needed to get away from the people who paid too much attention to you. “I’m sorry, but I have to go.”
You knew that they had conveyed your wishes when the group chat you’d been added to, one that had been busy that morning with members arguing over the best American breakfast sandwich, just stopped. The messages just abruptly ended. It left a bittersweet feeling in your heart. On one hand, they were only respecting your request for space to think, but on the other, having nine large personalities all fall quiet at the same time made you feel lonely. You hadn’t realised how much they had integrated themselves into your life, and you theirs until then. You might not see them every day but their presence was always felt. Through messages bickering with each other, reminding you to eat, dumb selfies, silly jokes, recommendations for movies or tv shows, unflattering photos of the others. They were always there. Until now. Now it was as though they’d all simply ceased to exist. It was weird. It felt wrong.
You’d travelled back to Korea with the other staff members. No one found that strange as there was no reason for any of the guys to request your presence for a lesson - the tour was over. You mindlessly watched movies until you fell asleep. Dealing with the onslaught of thoughts and feelings was not something you were going to do on a long haul flight. Having a breakdown 30,000 feet above the ocean was not on your bucket list. Did you shed a tear or two at certain scenes in the movies you watched because they reminded you of certain people? Maybe. But lucky for you the staff were all equally exhausted and happy to sleep for the majority of the return trip. Once you landed the guys were called to the company whilst you and multiple other staff members were told to go home and rest. You were beyond thankful to be told to go home because that was the only thing you wanted to do. You wanted the safety of the familiar four walls of your apartment. The comfort of your bed. Maybe all you needed was a really long sleep and then you’d be less of an emotional wreck. You didn’t think you’d overworked yourself but maybe you were wrong?
It was quiet in your apartment. Not that that was a new thing. No, the new thing was that you knew it would remain quiet. There would not be a knock on your door from a bored neighbour who wanted to raid your snack cupboard and hide from their roommates. There would be no flurry of messages to your phone or late night calls. It was probably a good thing. If this feeling that you were experiencing, like teetering on the edge of an abyss of panic, was anything to go by then you were probably deluding yourself if you thought it was purely related to being exhausted from work.
No, if you actually thought about it, you realised that it was the culmination of a few things. First there was the fact that your contract was over and you didn’t know what was next for you, or how their CEO would respond to the work you’d done. Second was the fact that you had been sexually intimate with each of the members. You thought you’d kept the interpersonal relationship side of things separate from the sex but now your mind was throwing every ‘what if’ in the book at you. Were they your friends?, were they colleagues?, did any of them now want nothing to do with you because you’d been with the others?, did any of them want more from you?, did you want more from any of them?, did you ruin everything? Your mind was in full spiral mode, with no exits in sight. You were unfortunately in for the ride, even if you did not want to be.
You knew you needed to sit down and dwell in your thoughts and work out what to do about the nine very special men who were woven into your heart, each one you had slept with, but did you feel something more than friendship and attraction to any of them? Was it simply a working relationship that you’d sprinkled some highly unprofessional fun into or did you have romantic interest in any or all of them? You’d avoided thinking about this very thing for weeks now, always telling yourself that you were too busy with lessons. Now you were forced to address it. No one would come distract you, and there was no work to be done, and if you didn’t address it? Well it seemed like you were destined for a full blown mental breakdown if you left it to fester.
You were officially off the clock until the CEO summoned you so you had nothing but time to sit and dwell on your thoughts and feelings. Naturally you decided to clean your apartment instead. Then reorganise the kitchen, do all of your washing, make your bed and organise your desk. It was when your thumb was hovering over the call button for your parents that you snapped out of your procrastination spiral and forced your brain to start unraveling the mess that was your relationship with the EXO members.
Like every other time you’d had to solve a seemingly large problem, you took out a notebook and pen and began to make notes. It wasn’t a pros and cons list, rather, it was your jumbled thoughts spewed out onto a page. You’d always worked best with problem solving when you had something to annotate. You needed visual logic cues if you were to concentrate on this long enough to deal with it. When you looked down at the page it was one very messy web of unfiltered thoughts. Seeing it all on the page didn’t ease your worries like it usually did. For some reason this felt bigger, like it was more important than you could perceive.
The crux of the issue still seemed to be that they were your friends before you took on the role of teaching them English, then after they became colleagues you rather quickly implemented the reward system. Then came the issue of involving sex, but honestly, apart from some prying and joking the guys hadn’t changed in how they acted towards you. If anything some were more affectionate with you but that was never in a sexual way. They understood that the system was there for the lessons and if you excluded Minseok and Baekhyun - all sex acts were contained within the lesson rewards or punishments. Yixing was playful, but only because he knew he could get away with it. He never tried for more than being close to you, and you knew he cared about you (especially since the day at the Han River, and because he wasn’t always around), but you didn’t think he was pining for you though it was sometimes difficult to gauge what he was feeling. Junmyeon was a gentleman and rarely brought up anything to do with the reward arrangement. Chanyeol, Jongdae and Sehun liked to make suggestive comments and jokes but that was mostly in. Sehun had been clingy before all of this anyway. Kyungsoo was another who was difficult to read. He’d never tried anything after the reward, but he was sweet to you, and very familiar with you in a way he hadn’t been beforehand. Jongin was a sweetheart before and after, and you were pretty sure his reward was just an experience for him and nothing more. Minseok and you… well that has basically been a friends with benefits situation however neither of you appeared to be trying to push that arrangement into something more at present. You were both more than capable of hanging out and not fucking.
Baekhyun presented a whole other problem. Your relationship with him had never been normal. The sexually charged banter had been there from the very beginning and only built as things went on. The day at the Han River proved that he cared about you enough to find you and help you. You enjoyed his company which wasn’t to say you didn’t enjoy all of their company, but with him it was different. Wasn’t it? You weren’t sure. The relationship that grew between the two of you had been sexually charged thanks to your drunken flirting very early on in the scheme of things but he’d never shied away from it - as long as you weren’t a drunken mess. The flirting had continued and your encounters always seemed to teeter on the precipice of taking that next step, but ended in delayed gratification so it was impossible for you to decipher if you had felt so strongly because you’d craved his body and his touch or if it was something more.
You paused in your deliberations to order some food. All this thinking was making you hungry and your mother had always told you to never make important decisions while hungry. It was something you’d lived by and you weren't about to stray from it now. A decision made while hungry could very well just be the impulsive choice rather than the choice you might make once hunger wasn’t making you impatient. Hangry was never a helpful state to be in.
What were you even trying to figure out? Did you want to date all of them? Was that even a possibility? It would be hard enough to date one idol, let alone nine of them. How would that work? You knew people back home who were in successful polycules but like, they were on the smaller side and had a more even split of gender. That and the fact that they weren’t also hugely famous in a highly conservative country and would receive backlash for anyone they dated. If you dated all nine of them, you would be the only woman and as far as you were aware, none of them were all that interested in exploring each other in that way. Did you feel that way about them? I felt like it had to be an all or nothing situation for it to be fair. You didn’t ask your brain what kind of logic that was because it made sense to you at the time. So would you be ok if you didn’t pursue anything more with any of them? Would remaining close friends with them be enough for you, or them? God you hadn’t even considered if any of them were romantically interested in you. How embarrassing would it be to make a decision only for it to be the opposite of their decision? Could your heart handle that rejection if you were dealing with freshly discovered feelings? You stood up and did a full body shake in a feeble attempt at releasing the building anxiety from your body. You needed to focus on one question at a time. Were you romantically interested in all of them?
You weren’t sure. It was complicated.
If you didn’t want all of them, would you be fine with just being friends with them?
Again, you weren’t sure. All this thinking was making your head hurt. The lack of answers you were providing yourself wasn’t helping your anxiety in the slightest. Maybe you should just finish your food, go to bed and try again in the morning? You probably had jet lag. That couldn’t be helping.
Did you want any of them in that way? Did any of them want you in that way? If you were just friends with them, would you be ok watching them date other people? Could you be happy for them? Your heart felt heavy and you were no closer to working out why. You closed your notebook and got into bed, hoping the cocoon of your blankets could wash away some of the worries and panic.
Sleep was elusive. You tossed and turned for what felt like the entire night because you could not switch your brain off. It wasn’t supplying any new information nor was it being productive in any way. No, instead it was showing you all of the worst case scenario outcomes from your possible decisions. Thoughts of being doxxed for dating any of them, sasaengs hurting you or any of them, calls from antis to have the group disband or certain members thrown out. All of it haunted your sleep deprived brain. When your thoughts drifted to the possibility of you being deported over dating any of them, you finally heaved a sigh, called your mind an idiot and somehow fell asleep. It was more likely that you passed out from exhaustion at that point, too drained mentally to remain conscious. The dreams were just snapshots of all these awful thoughts. Your subconscious must have felt bad for you as it sprinkled in small glimpses of the happy endings where everything worked out. Little bursts of colour surrounded these moments, like it was really trying its best to show you there could be good outcomes.
Warmth and laughter in their company, locked lips and entwined limbs, waking up in someone’s arms, secretive dates, happy smiles. Small glimpses of building a happy home together, of not dating but still hanging out and enjoying being with your friends. Feeling whole, and loved. Even dreaming you were no closer to a resolution than before.
A new day brought distractions. So be it if those distractions were ones you forced upon yourself, they were still distractions dammit. You took yourself out for a walk in a feeble attempt at clearing your mind only to find yourself standing in front of an aquarium in Gangnam. Water always grounded you when your thoughts became too loud, and since you couldn’t sit at the beach, staring out at the waves for hours like you could in your hometown, an aquarium was the next best thing. Something about walking through enclosures below the water with sea life surrounding you was calming. It was serene and quiet. You allowed your mind to go blank as you made your way through the different exhibits, reading the fun facts that were put next to each enclosure.
You learned about the sharks that could reproduce asexually, never needing the company of others to keep themselves afloat. Sharks were always so interesting to watch. A terrifying predator who seemingly feared nothing, but to you they were also these goofy looking creatures because of their teeth. There were too many and they were too sharp but it also made them look kind of ridiculous when they were simply existing. You had an appreciation for them. They were unbothered creatures, content to simply exist, only attacking for survival whether that be for sustenance or to defend themselves. They let specific creatures into their personal space, never attacking them, but seeming to simply coexist. Those suckerfish - that you now found out were actually called Remora - helped the sharks and in turn the sharks helped them. It seemed like a simple relationship. You imagined that one day they just attached themselves to the sharks and never let go and for some reason, the shark just let it happen.
The tropical exhibit was vibrant and massive. You had to stop yourself from reciting lines from Finding Nemo lest you appear like a crazy foreigner talking to themselves. You knew a lot of the facts about these creatures from your studies at school but there were some things they had left out of your textbooks, probably to avoid teachers having to explain certain concepts to children. Concepts like polyamorous fish. Yeah, those existed. Well, technically the marine biologists simply documented that certain species of tropical fish mated with multiple partners. So one couldn’t explicitly state that the fish were polyamorous, but maybe that term was better than saying the fish were swingers. It was a ridiculous concept to think about. The inner working relationships of fish. Maybe you were losing your mind.
You moved on to see the seals being fed. You always found them to be a deceptive creature. ‘Looks like a friend but is most definitely not a friend’ was the label you’d always associated with them. Growing up you’d been to a marine park and been in awe of the cute seals who did tricks for rewards in the form of fish. You even had a photo with a seal posed next to you. You remembered that it was heavy, very wet and its breath stank of fish, but it was pretty chill. Your cousin snuck you into a section you weren’t supposed to go to, where they were rehabilitating other animals - mainly dolphins and seals. He knew about a specific seal species that looked adorable and said he wanted to show it to you. He left out the part where this particular species ate penguins and other seals. He waited until you were home, talking to anyone who would listen about the world’s prettiest seal, about how they must be the sweetest and most amazing seals to ever exist. He waited until you were so enamoured by them that you were almost going to claim them as your new favourite animal to show you a section of a documentary of that specific species hunting. You had nightmares for weeks. Thankfully the seals in this enclosure were not the leopard seals of your childhood nightmares. It did remind you to call your cousin to catch up and remind him of how much he terrorised you as a child.
You spent way too long watching the penguins in the arctic exhibit. They appeared to be nesting, at least that was the conclusion you arrived at. There were penguins lying in little circles made of rocks and ice, a nest you supposed, while their mate searched the enclosure for the perfect pieces of ice and rocks before bringing them back and placing them in the nest (you assumed they were mates since they kept returning to the same nest, never straying to a different penguin. That and you knew penguins mated for life, so if they weren’t mates then they were definitely courting the penguin they thought could be their mate). It was such a simple act but you found that you simply couldn’t leave the viewing window, entranced by such a simple act of love.
When you finally left the aquarium a few hours later you felt more at peace than you had in weeks. By no means was your mind clear, but the chaotic tornado that had taken up residence in there was now more of a light breeze as all your worries quietened down, allowing you to logically sift through them. You allowed yourself to believe that you had in fact, been successful at teaching EXO English. The tour was successful and you hadn’t been required to step in very often during their ments or interviews. For a group with poor prior experience with learning English you had basically done the impossible. You managed to let go of the stigma that had clouded your mind for the past few weeks that was constantly telling you they were only succeeding because of the sex, but really if all they took from your lessons was the sex then they still would have failed miserably at their ments and interviews. Something you did stuck, and whether it was because you were someone they knew and trusted was kind of beside the point. You took the time to learn how each of them would learn the best from you, and tailored sessions to maximise their recall of their ments. And it fucking worked. You should really allow yourself to feel your oats more often than you did. The cloud of self depreciation that had been looming and trying to take root was dissolved. You did a good job. Others had told you so, you knew it to be true. You just had to be consistent in telling your self doubt to go fuck itself when it next tried to diminish your achievements. You felt a little lighter than you had this morning, one less voice causing chaos in your mind.
Riding on your good mood, you decided to take a walk through the nearby night markets, enjoying food from the street vendors and looking at the pretty wares others had on offer. You resisted the urge to buy gifts for the guys - this was a day for you, not a day for you to revert to stressing over if you would be giving a gift as a friend, as a romantic partner, or as a farewell. For now you simply took in the craftsmanship of the trinkets, clothing and jewellery on offer - deciding that you would go to more night markets in the future. The streets were so full of life, bustling with a palpable energy that was infectious. You loved it. The streets were illuminated with soft and pretty lights, making you feel like you were walking through a little fairytale rather than the streets of Seoul. It was an impressive feat for this small section of such a bright and bustling city to achieve.
Eventually you decided it was time to begin the journey back towards your apartment. You wanted to call your family, possibly a friend as well, just to update them on your life as a translator overseas. Now that you actually recognised the work that you had done you knew you could feel confident talking to them about it. Talking about it to someone outside of the business might also help bring other things you were worried about into focus. You headed home with your head held high, finally feeling good about the work you had done these past months.
Speaking with your parents and your closest friend back home helped you unpack more of your thoughts. Ones you wouldn’t have realised if you hadn’t had to conceal certain aspects of your life over here. Describing the boys as acquaintances then colleagues felt weird and wrong, but you knew you had to hide the friendship to an extent. After all, they didn’t know how damaging that kind of news could be if it got out and they would not feel the need to keep that information to themselves. You knew they’d just say you were overreacting if you told them not to tell anyone about it, so you simply kept that from them. It was easier this way even if it felt off. They meant more than you could tell your parents.
You’d always worried that your family wouldn’t be proud of you for taking a job in a foreign country and leaving as quickly as you did. You’d expected to cop an earful from your mother for not calling her more often but you were pleasantly surprised to hear how many questions she had about your work - how was your boss, how did they assign clients, were they treating you well, were the hours humane, were the conditions fair, did you get sufficient pay and time off. The list was endless. You answered all of her questions to the best of your ability without breaching your contract or giving away incriminating details. Your father wanted to know all about your living conditions, was it in a good neighbourhood, was the security good, were you safe, were you being smart when you left the house. You allowed him to nag you since that was his love language - fretting about his daughter's safety. He even convinced you to hang up and call again on video so you could show him your apartment and so they could see your face, to make sure you were being truthful about eating and sleeping well. Definitely not because they also missed you terribly. Once you had appeased them, promising no less than five times that you were keeping out of trouble, were eating well and getting enough sleep, did they allow you to ask them questions about life after you left home. It was comforting to talk to them, even if it made you miss them terribly - you longed for a warm hug from each of them more than you wanted to admit. You dodged questions of romance, citing that you were far too busy with work to date. You also had to explain how dating culture was different here, and once they knew how much faster relationships began your father was much happier to know that you weren’t dating. You’d die if he knew what you had been doing though.
You eventually told them that you were at the end of the current contract you were on and that you were awaiting a final evaluation to see if the company you had been on contract with wanted to keep you on for other projects or if your boss would be assigning you to a new company to work with new artists. Your father could tell from your voice that you were feeling anxious about being in limbo. He told you to rest assured that you did the best work you could, and that your successes would be noticed. He told you that if they renewed your contract that would be great because you already had rapport and knew your way around the company building, feeling comfortable with that environment but he also told you that if they didn’t, that it wouldn’t take long for your boss to find you a new company because of your achievements on your current contract, and that change wasn’t a bad thing. It could lead to bigger and brighter things. Your mother was always good at talking out the minutiae of a problem with you but your father could pinpoint what you needed to hear and ease your busy mind. It was a trait you were thankful he had because it was what you needed right now. You talked for a long time after that, catching up on everything you had missed in their lives, on tv shows, the news, gossip around town. Your mother could harp on about anything if you let her. Eventually you had to try and wind up the conversation, you did have another call to make after all. After promising to call more often they let you go so you could call your closest friend.
Speaking with her went exactly as you thought it would. First there was a lot of nagging about how you never called or told her anything, how you’d abandoned her for the rich and famous clients you had. That you’d probably snagged some uber rich and hot guy and forgotten all about little old her. Then came the endless I miss you’s followed by all the things she’d been dying to tell you. You got wildly sidetracked as you caught up on her life, her new boyfriend, her work, her plans and seemingly endless tangents. She was the kind of friend who could easily take over a conversation, something she had often had to do in the past. There were times where you just preferred to go quiet and let others lead the small talk. You preferred topics that interested you when meeting new people because you had something to contribute, and surface level conversation kind of bored you. You could do it, and did when work required it of you, but in your personal life you were often much more reserved in conversation with strangers. There was probably something to unpack there but you chose to ignore that for now.
You went through a similar interrogation about work and life in Korea with her, though she pressed for far more details than your parents did since she had some idea that you were working with idols. You managed to avoid incriminating yourself in any way but you knew this would not be the last time she pressed you for information. She had a knack for knowing when things were left unsaid, and boy did you leave a lot of things about your situation unsaid. When you got to the topic of your current employment potentially coming to an end she made similar points to your father, though she added that the more people you worked for in the entertainment sector, the more likely it was for you to meet some amazing guy. You almost choked on your laughter at that. Once again you had to promise to contact her more often before she would let you get off the phone with her.
[9:21PM] Your bestest friend in the world: Don’t think for a moment that I didn’t pick up on the fact that something is going on with you.
[9:21PM] Your bestest friend in the world: I won’t push you for an explanation yet, but know that I’m here for you love. Anytime.
She was too perceptive for her own good. You hated and loved her for it.
[9:21PM] You: Nothing gets past you does it? I should have known you’d pick up on it. I’m not ready to talk about it yet, still wading through my thoughts etc. But thank you bby. ILYSM <3
[9:21PM] Your bestest friend in the world: <3 Talk to me when you’re ready to unpack everything in that pretty little head of yours. ILYSM2
The calls left you feeling even more grounded and settled in your emotions. Your mind continued to be quiet and calm as you got ready for bed, hoping you would get a decent night's sleep and continue your ‘me’ time tomorrow. After all you still had to wade through your feelings about the guys, where everything between the lot of you stood now and where things were going. You weren’t sure that you could fully work out your feelings without talking to them, which could go horribly wrong but you were just too confused. You knew one thing for certain, you had to tell them that there had to be no more sex related things between any of you until this whole thing was worked out. That obviously meant no stress relief fucking with Minseok, but also had to include suggestive comments and jokes. You just weren’t sure if anything could be taken at face value, or if there was more to it.
You promised yourself that if you still felt calm and clear in your thoughts by tomorrow afternoon that you would reach out to the guys. Sure they were giving you space now, but you weren’t so naive to believe that this would continue if you reached a week with zero contact. Sure Minseok or Kyungsoo would message you but you’d rather not let it reach that point if you could help it. You knew them well enough to know that they’d start to worry, and then they’d jump to conclusions that it was somehow their fault that you weren’t talking to them. That was something you wanted to avoid. You weren’t the only one capable of spiralling in your thoughts.
***
Thankfully sleep came easily for you. The bed was comfy, the sheets a perfect texture and the room was cool, allowing you to snuggle into a blanket burrito and sleep deeply. You awoke the next day feeling well rested and more at peace than you’d felt in weeks. You promised to give yourself until the afternoon to make contact and you planned on honoring that self imposed promise so you headed out on another stroll since the weather was yet again pleasant. First stop was the coffee shop for your daily dose of sugar in liquid form (also known as an iced chocolate) and a flaky pastry. Today that was a blueberry danish. With your tasty treats in hand, you set off through the closest park, hoping to find a duck pond to sit by while you ate. There was no reason or tradition for the dunk pond, you just liked being near water when you wanted to get lost in thought.
As luck would have it, you did find a pond, sadly barren, with no ducks, but it still had the desired effect of being an idyllic backdrop for you. You made a mental list of the things you needed to complete before returning to your apartment. 1. Get groceries so you could cook yourself some meals for the next week. 2. Buy some new clothes and accessories before the season changes so you wouldn’t be caught out. 3. Visit a nearby corgi cafe so you could give some fluffballs your love. 4. Buy a couple of gifts to send home to your parents and closest friend. It wasn’t too overwhelming, but it should keep you occupied until it was time to reach out to the guys. You probably wouldn’t check off the final item today, that would require a future visit to the night markets.
Groceries were reasonably simple. After talking with your family you suddenly craved a simple western meal so you’d decided on some pan cooked chicken with roasted vegetables and a salad. If you seasoned each chicken breast slightly different it would change up your meals enough each night for you to not grow bored of them. You managed to successfully buy some new clothes and accessories to put away for the next season and then spent two blissfully happy hours at the corgi cafe. You were constantly being prodded with little paws or wet noses asking for pats and treats. You were quite literally covered in fur but you didn’t care. They were so cute and getting to spend time with them really filled the part of you that desperately wanted a pet. You’d have one one day, when the time was right and you could dedicate yourself to training and giving them all the affection in your being.
With a little tri-coloured corgi resting his head on your lap you let your thoughts drift. When would you get the call from Mr. Kim? At this point you just wanted to have your meeting so you could stop weighing up the uncertainty of your professional future. Once that was set then you knew you could much more easily discuss where things either should or should not progress with the guys. That moment of clarity for what you wanted in that respect remained elusive. You knew that you wanted them in your life, and whilst the thought of nothing more than friendship didn’t entirely sit well with you (you still couldn’t pinpoint why that was), you knew you could do that if that’s all they wanted from you. You felt something for each of them but you hadn’t fallen hard for anyone, a feat that you thanked your guarded heart for immensely. There was closeness, attraction and lust but no deep romantic love. You could see yourself falling if you opened your heart to it and if it was reciprocated by them, but for now you were safe from heartbreak if they didn’t have interest in you like that.
You’d thought about what you’d do if more than one, or oddly if all of them wanted some sort of arrangement with you. You’d decided that you weren’t opposed to the idea, but only if certain ground rules were in place to keep everyone safe. If they were opposed to a more polyamorous relationship then you would step back and remain their friend. You refused to allow them to fight and potentially damage their relationships with each other - both personally and professionally - over dating you. It could be seen as a clinical approach but the reality was that they were at the peak of their careers right now and you would not allow the prospect of dating you to get in the way of that. You weren’t that important, you couldn’t be. There was also the secretive nature of whatever relationship you all moved forward with. Male idols were not supposed to be close with other women, that only led to dating scandals which was another thing you wanted to avoid at all costs.
Ultimately you had to talk to the guys and lay all of your thoughts out for them. They had to know where you stood and then you had to give them time to work out where they stood and what they wanted. Would that be an awkward as fuck conversation? Yes. Was it necessary? Also yes. It was time. No more radio silence. No more dwelling. You quickly sent off a message before you could talk yourself into taking another day to sit with your thoughts.
[6:13PM] You: Are you guys busy?
The response was almost instantaneous. You hoped that didn’t mean they were hanging out by their phones waiting to hear from you.
[6:13PM] Junmyeon: Noona! It’s nice to hear from you :)
[6:13PM] Junmyeon: We all just got home. Do you need something?
His words calmed you a little. It was his usual routine to check his phone as soon as he got home. Then he did his best to ignore it for a few hours, only answering if a manager or family member called.
[6:14PM] You: I was hoping I could come up and have a chat with everyone?
[6:14PM] You: But like, only if you’re all free and ok to have me over. I’m sure you’re all still tired.
You might be offering to have this meeting but that did not mean you weren’t incredibly anxious about it. You’d kept your thoughts at bay for almost two days but as soon as you put the talk on the table all of your fears resurfaced. What if they were mad at you? What if you’d read too much into this relationship? What if you caused a rift in the group? You didn’t want to be EXO’s Yoko.
[6:14PM] Junmyeon: Nonsense. Come on up.
[6:14PM] Junmyeon: They’d kill me if I didn’t invite you up here and you know it.
[6:14PM] Junmyeon: All I’ve heard since we boarded the plane is whiny men. Get your ass up here and put me out of my misery!
You laughed at that. You could practically see him pouting as he typed the messages out to you. It didn’t seem like they were mad, but a small part of you also began to worry that they were too prone to overreacting. You shut that down when you reminded yourself that you’d basically cut them off cold turkey right at the end of the tour. The only people who had spent time with you after that final concert were Minseok and Baekhyun, and only them and Junmyeon knew about your meeting, unless they’d told the others about it. After all you had said they could do that.
[6:15PM] You: It’s barely been 36 hours. You guys are maybe a little too codependent on me.
[6:15PM] You: But fine, I’ll be up in like 30 mins. Is that enough time for you to round everyone up?
[6:15PM] Junmyeon: You know we love you, but it was the radio silence and request to not contact you that sent them in a tailspin.
[6:15PM] Junmyeon: Not that I’m mad, just to be clear. I get it, but they lowkey freaked out.
Yeah, that checked out. You needed to just get home and go see your ragtag bunch of idiots who seemed to care about you more than you ever thought they would. However you also need to stop whatever attempt at ‘down with the cool kids’ lingo Junmyeon was trying to achieve. He already got teased enough for being the old man of the group and poorly inserting lingo that was clearly out of place in his vernacular was not going to help him.
[6:15PM] You: Don’t say lowkey, that’s not who you are.
[6:15PM] You: Sehun is probably the only one of you who can get away with saying that. Chanyeol and Baekhyun think they can, but the jury is out on whether or not they can.
[6:15PM] Junmyeon: I’m going to ignore that slander of my character. I’m up on current slang.
You actually facepalmed. Why was he like this? WHY.
[6:16PM] You: Seriously. STOP. You are in no way helping yourself here.
[6:16PM] Junmyeon: 30 minutes is fine. See you soon.
[6:16PM] Junmyeon: Just to check though, should I be emotionally prepared for some heartbreaking and serious talk? You rarely ask to speak to all of us at once.
You supposed it could come off as a we need to talk moment given the lack of context you’d provided. And it kind of was that, but also not? You really didn’t want them to freak out. Nine guys fretting would be too overwhelming for you.
[6:16PM] You: Semi serious, but nothing heavy. I just want to explain myself and where my head has been at so you all understand why I kind of just disappeared.
[6:16PM] Junmyeon: Bet. See you soon then <3
[6:17PM] You: You are too old to be saying bet. Who is teaching you this shit? You know what. Don’t answer that. Just stop saying ‘trend’ words. We both know you’re not cool enough to pull them off. No offence.
[6:17PM] You: See you soon. <3
[6:17PM] Junmyeon: Wow noona. Harsh. My lingo is on fleek, it's rude of you to not realise that.
[6:17PM] You: I’m never going to speak to you again.
[6:17PM] You: And I might have to cause bodily harm to whoever taught you this lingo.
You locked your phone before you cringed at any further attempts at current slang were sent to you. It was go time for you. Whether you were ready or not (you were not), the conversation was happening. Time to get your butt home and face the music. So to speak. You just hoped you weren’t about to fuck it all up.
***
Nine pairs of eyes stared back at you from the various spots in the living room. You stood awkwardly in front of the tv as you contemplated whether or not to find yourself a chair or if you were just going to stand here and speak. The choice ended up being made for you as Yixing brought a chair in for you to sit on. It was still placed in the centre of the room facing all of them, but it felt a little less intimidating to sit before speaking. Yixing’s fingers brushed over your shoulder, giving it a light squeeze, before he moved back towards his place on the lounge.
You cleared your throat and decided to approach this as you would remove a bandaid - quickly. You knew the guys were all wondering what the cause of your no contact rule was and the sooner you put them out of their misery the better. It would be better for you as well because you would get at least this part of the conversation out of your brain. Your time at the aquarium had helped clear your thoughts, as had your walk through the city. You weren’t so sure if the evening sitting in your apartment spiralling in your thoughts helped, so this was your attempt at preventing that from happening again tonight while still putting some space between them and you while you sorted your shit out.
“I uh, I want to apologise for not speaking with any of you properly before we flew back from the tour.” You held up a hand to stop the immediate chorus of responses that were coming from the guys. “Please let me get all of this out before any of you speak otherwise I don’t know if I’ll be able to get through it.” Nine heads nodded at you and waited for you to continue.
“I got really in my head about everything and needed to take a step away from all of it, from everyone, while I tried to settle my thoughts.” You started. “First I worried that I hadn’t done a good job because I’d been unprofessional, but after I let myself spiral I realised that wasn’t true and that I had done a great job. I didn’t get to tell you after the last show ended but I could not be more proud of each and every one of you. Your English improved SO much and whilst a certain amount of that is on me, a huge part of that is on you for applying yourselves to the lessons and the study in order to make those improvements. You should also all be really proud of yourselves for the progress you’ve all made.” You couldn’t help but smile at them, pride shining through you. You were truly impressed at the work they’d put in and the results they’d shown in such a small timeframe. “Were part of the lessons and some of my conduct unprofessional? Yes, but I now believe that none of those things hindered your progress, nor were they the sole motivation for your improvements. Whether I’m wrong or right about this, I’m now choosing to believe that they were a pleasant bonus to all of this.”
Time for the big reveal. The thing that had been weighing on you, causing you to nearly have multiple panic attacks. The thing you were most scared about admitting to them. Would they thing you were overreacting or crazy? Would they understand? “My relationship with all of you also began to get muddled in my head by the end of the tour. We all met before I took on the role of teacher and prior to that we were all friends, and with more than one of you there was also an undercurrent of flirtation - regardless of whether any of us were going to act on it or not. Then I became someone who worked for you, who was quite literally on call for if you needed a lesson, in any setting and at any time of day. We were still friends but it did alter the relationship with you. Then I added in the reward/punishment system and that kind of threw a spanner in the works. We were all close, but inevitably when you add physical intimacy or sex to the equation it blurs the lines. My brain kept spiralling between ‘are we friends, colleagues, fuck buddies, in a relationship, did you never want to see me again, were you going to fight if any of us wanted a romantic relationship…’ so yeah, after the last night in America I withdrew into my head and just needed to be with my thoughts - as much as I really really really did not want to sift through them. I knew I needed to for the sake of my mental wellbeing. I hadn’t realised it but those thoughts had been building for quite some time and after all the lessons were over and all rewards or punishments received, those thoughts were relentless and overwhelming. I couldn’t ignore them any longer.”
You couldn’t stop talking. If you did, you were pretty sure you’d bottle everything up until you did what you were best at, running. It wasn’t a fair thought to have, but sadly you were in no state to control the cruelty of your thoughts. You just had to keep speaking and once you finished you hoped they understood. “As I’m sure Minseok and Baek told you, I had a meeting with the managers and Junmyeon to discuss my work and for feedback to be provided. Without going into too much detail, the meeting went well, but my future with SM hangs on your CEO. He was sent video of your ments and interviews while overseas to review as well as feedback from the managers, staff and yourselves. I will either be let go and my boss will find me a contract with another company - which will mean we won’t see each other as much or as freely - or I’ll be kept on one of two contracts with SM. Either an exclusive contract with EXO with allowances for freelance tutoring in my free time within SM, or a contract with SM where I would not be assigned any specific group but would be available at the company to provide lessons for existing artists and trainees. Either of those options would mean we would see more of each other, but the latter would mean we would not be able to speak as freely as we do now with each other.”
“I spent a lot of time stressing about what I wanted to happen and what possible scenarios could happen but I guess professionally any option is good for me as all options mean I remain working in this field and helping others improve their language skills. I stress over large changes in my life, not sure if that is something I’ve ever mentioned, but it’s a thing. Obviously.” You scoffed as you made a vague gesture at yourself and the clear state of stress you were in. “Personally, I don’t want to lose what we have. I cherish each of you and love that we’ve still been able to hang out and play around while we’re all working. I know we’d make it work if I have to go to another company but I know we would see each other significantly less than we do now.”
You took a deep breath. You hadn’t looked at any of them while you spoke. You knew if you saw their eyes you’d stop speaking. So you just couldn’t. Not yet. What if they looked at you with pity, anger, happiness, disgust, or worse - indifference. You could rationalise it if they felt something, but seeing them feel nothing when your mind had been fucking chaos might just be the straw that broke the camels back. You didn’t look at them. “So to sum up, I overthought everything, stressed, spiralled and withdrew from all of you which may or may not have been the right thing to do but I’m here now. I should know in a few days where my future lies work-wise but wanted to open the floor to discuss whatever this relationship we all have now is because I don’t think it is something I can resolve by myself. We don’t have to discuss it now, but I want you to think about it. I don’t know if you view me as a friend or as someone you want to pursue something with, or someone you no longer wish to see. I’m sorry to just dump all of this on you but I need to put it all out there, as much as I can right now anyway.”
You’d done it. You’d told them what had been going on in your mind. Mostly. You hadn’t discussed your feelings but you’d mentioned all possibilities so that had to count for something. You really just wanted to run and hide, to become invisible rather than be perceived right now, but you knew you had to remain in your spot and hear what they had to say. No matter what it was.
Chanyeol was the first to speak. He ran his hands through his hair as he tried to keep his tone even. “Not going to lie, this is a lot. I think I speak for all of us when I say that, and I think you know that. I appreciate you opening up to us about what was going on in your head, I'm sure we all do, even if it does leave us with more questions and discussions to have.”
You nodded. It was a lot. You knew it. You’d lived with all of it in your brain. It was only fair to give them time as well. That’s why you’d said you didn’t need to discuss it now.
Minseok was next to speak, he smiled softly at you, his own way of trying to calm your nerves even now. “I don’t think it’s something we should talk about tonight. You know as well as we do that we can be impulsive and that discussions can get heated quickly if we haven’t had time to choose our words. As weird as it will be I think we all need to take some time to think about what we want, and what will work best moving forward.”
You nodded again. You’d used all your words in speaking to them and now could bring yourself to speak.
“This is going to sound shitty noona, and for that I’m sorry but I don’t think there is a diplomatic way to put it, well at least not one that I can think of right now,” Junmyeon said, sighing as he had to be the guy to say it. “but we do need to consider how it might affect the group if one or more of us are interested in pursuing you, especially if it means some may be rejected. At the end of the day, EXO has to come first, and god I know that’s a shitty thing to say, but it’s something we need to think about and probably talk about amongst ourselves. No offence.” You knew someone would have to raise that point, and it was a valid one, one you’d thought about as well. It did make sense that it was their leader who was the one to say it. After all, he always did put the group above everything else.
You had to speak, nodding wouldn’t suffice in response to that. It would only make him feel like a jerk and that was the last thing you wanted him to feel. You cleared your throat and hoped you said the right things. “All valid points, and don’t worry, there’s no offence taken, Junmyeon. I’d also thought that you should all take some time away from me to think over what you want and to discuss with the group. If one or more of you wanting to pursue me would negatively affect the group then I don’t think anything more than friendship is possible.”
You paused. Would they think of this option if you didn’t raise it? You weren’t sure. But if it helped them with their deliberations then it was worth the level of embarrassment you were about to feel by simply suggesting it. “I guess the last thing for me to put out there is that after some thinking, I’m not opposed to exploring the possibility of a polyamorous type of situation if that is something you guys land on. However, I’m also not opposed to monogamy or just friendship with all of you. It might sound like I either don’t care that much or that I don’t know what I want, and the latter is somewhat true, but I did draw a line between what we were doing in the rewards versus hanging out outside of that and it prevented me from allowing too many feelings to take root. I’m not sure where any of you stand and I don’t want to know right now either since all of this” You gestured with your hand, waving it vaguely to indicate all of you. “Is so fresh and we all have a lot to consider, or not consider. I don’t know.” Breathe you told yourself. You had to breathe or you’d panic before this conversation ended. “I’ll hopefully have a follow up meeting in a couple of days and then will know what will be happening with the work aspect of my life. I think we should meet once I know that side of things and chat again? But if you need more time, I would completely understand.”
Not much was said after that. The air was tense and awkward as you all kind of forgot how to act around each other. You stayed for a little while to hear about the plans for their encore concert but as soon as that conversation topic dwindled, you said your goodbyes and headed back to your apartment.
It might be time to call your friend. You were more confused after that meeting and once again on the precipice of a breakdown. You couldn’t wade through this on your own and you couldn’t ask one of the guys for help because this was about them. You couldn’t tell your friend every detail, but you could tell her enough.
[10:49PM] You: So uh, are you free for that chat?
[10:49PM] Your bestest friend in the whole world: For you? Always.
***
You awoke the next morning to the sound of a text message notification on your phone. You rubbed your eyes as you tried to focus on the name of the contact who sent the message. You sat up in your bed as soon as your eyes managed to make out that the message was from your boss. Hopefully it was the message you’d been waiting for.
[7:42AM] Mr. Kim: Good morning, I hope you have had sufficient time to relax since returning from the overseas tour with EXO. I had a meeting this morning with SM’s CEO, Lee Soo Man about your performance under the current contract you have with SM and what his thoughts were for your potential future prospects at the company. I’ve scheduled a meeting for us at midday at my office. I’ll see you in a few hours to discuss.
If you were half awake at the start of that message, you were wide awake now. Of course a meeting is called the day after you dropped what felt like a literal bomb on your nine upstairs neighbours. You had just over four hours to freshen up and get yourself over to his office. Not that you were nervous… not at all… not even a little bit. It wasn’t like the outcome of this meeting determined the future of your career or anything. No, shut up. You tried telling your mind as it attempted to spiral before any form of carb or sugar entered your system. You repeated your father’s words over in your head as you picked out clothes for the meeting, a simple and professional outfit that you would not anxiety sweat through before you even reached Mr. Kim’s office. You showered and got yourself ready for the day and whatever it would bring. Maybe it would be better once it was all over, then you could stop overthinking and fretting about every possible outcome. That wasn’t how you liked doing things but it seemed to be what happened whenever it was important to you. When you cared.
Just before you left the apartment you sent a message to the group chat so that everyone was kept up to date.
[10:25AM] You: Hey, just a heads up that I’m on my way to a meeting now. LSM has made his decision and I’ll know my work fate in a couple of hours. I know I suggested meeting again after I had my meeting but given I literally only proposed everything to you last night, I’ll bench our talk until you guys have had time to deliberate and all that. Just reach out when you want to chat and I’ll make myself available.
It felt clinical and not how you’d ever spoken to them when there was no one to overhear your conversations. It felt like how you spoke to them when one of their managers was present. It felt wrong and something in your heart hurt. There was no response, but you could see the members slowly reading your message. Sehun reacted to it with a thumbs up message which then spurred everyone into chatting, mainly to scold Sehun but seeing the chat alive again felt right.
You put your phone on do not disturb mode as you approached Mr. Kim’s office, coffee in hand. Not the iced variety that was so popular among idols. No, the purpose of this coffee was not to keep you awake, rather it was to give you a caffeine hit as well as comfort you with its warmth. You were always nervous when it came time for a performance review, but unlike last time with Blackpink, you were a lot closer with the members of EXO and their staff. Unlike last time you knew that you had done your job successfully, you’d been present to witness the members grow in their language skills and watched them deliver their ments to their American audiences with little to no translation required. The only slip was the night Baekhyun forgot his lines, but the following shows he required no assistance.
Once you arrived, Mr. Kim’s secretary ushered you into his office, telling you he was just finishing up a meeting in another room and would be with you shortly. Thankfully you did not have to wait long before he entered the room. He smiled and greeted you warmly then moved to sit at his desk. You’d been in this room a few times now and it was always nerve wracking.
“Once again I can tell that you are eager to hear your evaluation.” He chuckled.
You nodded. “Apparently my face hides nothing from you.”
“Actually your face is not what gave you away, it was the fidgeting fingers this time.” He pointed at your free hand which was unfortunately fidgeting with the buckle on your handbag.
Your fingers stilled, but you itched to keep busy with something. Anything to get the frenetic energy out of your system. “You got me. Now please put me out of my misery already and give me my evaluation.”
Lucky for you, he prided himself on business and got right to it. You never had to endure too much small talk with him. It was a much more pleasant experience than the managers you had back before moving here. They seemed to want to spend up to ten minutes chatting about nothing before switching to business mode. That was not the Mr. Kim way. His way was better. For you at least. Mr. Kim pulled a file up on his computer and turned the screen so that you could see it as well. “As you already know from the last time we did this, we assess you in three areas. 1. How well the tasks were performed 2. How you worked with the clients and 3. Work ethic/professionalism. I’ve reviewed the recording of the last meeting you had during the tour as well as received feedback from the SM CEO.”
He clicked on a file and opened it. “This is a review of the tasks performed. As you can see, it was unanimous across the board that you have excelled in this area. You successfully prepared the members for their interviews and concert ments, improving their English significantly. You joined the group on tour and no issues were reported by staff or the members, nor did you appear in any fan reports or cause any scandals.” He paused to look at you, a knowing smile on his face. “But you already know this from your meeting with the managers and Junmyeon. I’ll only add the feedback from their CEO. He said he was impressed that someone of your young age was able to successfully complete these tasks to the level that you did, he made special mention of the tailored lessons as a genius move on your part. He noted that whilst it would be an arduous task for all clients, it worked for EXO in ways no one expected. They have not had this level of success in teaching a group that didn’t already have a member with a decent grasp on English or a native English speaker. He was also very impressed that you were able to fit in and work seamlessly with a well established team.” Mr Kim paused, signalling that you could now speak before he addressed the next criterion.
So far things were going well. Logically you knew that you had succeeded in your role, but it was always a relief to hear it. Hearing from your boss and the head of the group's company eradicated the last of the anxiety you felt about your ability as a teacher. “Thank you Mr Kim. I felt that I was succeeding in my role and I am glad to have that confirmed by the head of their company, but I do have to ask what he meant about my age?”
“Most translators or teaching staff that are brought in are older than you. Especially when it comes to English. There is a greater risk when idols are involved and most companies specifically request someone over 40 to be assigned so that there could never be any misunderstandings around the nature of the relationship.” He replied.
Your brow furrowed. “Then how did I get the job? I’m significantly younger than that, even if I’m still older than the members.”
He smiled smugly. “Ah well that was me. I know companies prefer older staff, especially when they are working with the opposite sex, but I had a hunch that you would succeed where others had failed with EXO. Their CEO reluctantly agreed to trial you and had to admit he was pleasantly surprised after receiving the one month evaluations of the members progress.”
Noticing that you weren’t going to add any more to that discussion, Mr. Kim moved on. He scrolled through the document until he reached the heading indicating the second criterion. “Before I move into discussing the external evaluations I would like to say that I am personally very impressed that you took on the feedback provided after your time with Blackpink and applied it to EXO. You managed to become more familiar with them and it shows in the reviews from the others. I strongly believe that this improvement is what made this job such a success for you.” He gestured towards you. “So I wanted to commend you on the large improvement in this area.”
You smiled. “Thank you Mr. Kim. Your advice was intrinsic to the development of the tailored lessons as well as my comfortability in becoming closer with the members so that we could work together to the best of our abilities.”
“As you know from the feedback from both managers and members, you exceeded expectations in this area, and everyone benefited from your approach. The CEO questioned whose idea it was for you to become closer to the members and expressed the concerns he had about it. Once I explained that it was feedback that you had been given from myself and the reasons why I felt it would improve outcomes, especially given your closeness in age to any 2nd or 3rd gen idols in comparison to the on staff teachers who were usually around the same age as the idols parents he understood. He stated that whilst he had his reservations about that kind of approach given the potential issues that could arise, dating scandals, sasaeng accusations, unprofessionalism etc. he could see how it worked in the members favour. The group had undergone quite a few hardships prior to this comeback, with members leaving and dating scandals damaging their public image. He stated that they were likely to be quite reserved and untrustworthy of someone new to their staff and that it would take a long time for them to begin to trust a new staff member. However, you managed to make them feel comfortable and not lose the authority you had over them as their teacher, whilst remaining respectful at all times. He said he was very pleasantly surprised by this.” He sat back in his chair while you processed his words. Mr. Kim had only had meetings with you a handful of times before this, but he already knew to let you take a moment while his words sunk in before having you respond.
A weight lifted off your shoulders. Yes, you recalled the nature of the meeting you had with the managers and Junmyeon whilst overseas, but your brain had managed to twist their inarguably positive feedback into statements that you had turned over in your mind repeatedly as you second guessed every moment you’d spent with the members. Knowing that the CEO was reviewing all of the work you had completed overseas had stressed you more than you had realised. It was as if you could feel the tension leaving your body every time Mr. Kim read out his feedback.
“I’m glad my efforts have been recognised, and that I’ve shown improvement in this area. I also understand the concerns their CEO had. We had meetings with the members and their managers regarding safety and security of both the members and myself to ensure no photos were snapped if we were not on a schedule. The last thing any of us wanted to do was bring negative attention to this working relationship. We also discussed at length the boundaries we should draw in order to not become overly familiar with each other and I believe that assisted greatly.” It wasn’t a lie as such. You really did have those meetings and you really did discuss those boundaries. It was just the managers weren’t present for the third meeting which involved you and the members working out how to put each other in line if any of you slipped and a glimpse of how close you really were slipped through. It was a miracle nothing ever happened in view of other staff or the public, but there were a couple of close calls. You’d all been very lucky in that regard.
Mr. Kim powered on. “On to the final point, we’ve never had any issues with your work ethic or professionalism, and neither have the members or managers. Their feedback was passed on to the CEO, who praised you for being available at short notice in order to fit with the members busy schedules. He was also very happy that the members did not abuse this clause in your contract but rather made sure the others were aware if one of them had required you early in the morning or late at night so that they could avoid overworking you.” Mr. Kim closed the document. “I’ll be honest, he got rather sidetracked at this point and spent a good ten minutes praising his EXO boys. I can assure you that he was very pleased with both your work ethic and professionalism. He agreed with the manager's statements that you clearly succeeded at your role, exceeding all expectations that were had of you.” He chuckled as he shook his head. “But once he starts talking about those boys it is hard to shut him up. You’d think they were his sons sometimes.”
You allowed yourself a pleased hum at the feedback you’d received. High marks in all areas of assessment. Exceeded expectations, exemplary results. “Thank you Mr. Kim. I’m very glad that my hard work paid off and that my approach was successful for the members.” You paused. “However, as much as I want to just bask in this feedback, I am too curious about my contract. Did their CEO happen to mention if he planned to renew my contract, or are you finding me a new group to work with?” You needed to know, and you needed to know like two weeks ago at this point.
Mr. Kim, to his credit, did not outright laugh at your impatience. Instead he opened a drawer and pulled out a manila folder. “I understand that this must have been weighing on your mind these past few weeks.”
You nodded. “You would be very correct.”
“He did come to a decision. I won’t draw this out as I can tell you just want me to get to the point. He was incredibly impressed by your determination and competency, and as we all know, the results speak for themselves. He does want to offer another contract, however it would differ from your current one.” He stated.
“How so?” You asked.
“Firstly, this contract would not commence until three months from now.” He explained. “They want you to continue your work with the company, working with all of their artists. EXO would take priority if and when they have any overseas schedules that would require them to speak English. The rest of the time you would assist whichever groups or artists he deems in need of your skills. You would also offer lessons in the company like you did whilst EXO were in Japan during your contract.” Mr. Kim slid the folder across the table for you to pick up and look over.
“I am grateful to have the opportunity to continue to work with SM. Like I said in my meeting overseas, I have been treated exceptionally well by their company, its staff and idols and welcomed the opportunity to continue working with EXO, be assigned to another group within the company or as an in-house teacher/translator.” Well there it was, they had offered another contract. You could keep working for SM, potentially with the guys as long as their schedules required English, but you’d still be in the same building as them. There was a decent break before commencement which was nice, but you did have concerns about your income. Not working for three months would be a struggle for you financially. “I do have questions regarding the three month break in between contracts though.”
“I believe my next statement should cover whatever concerns you have.” He directed your attention to another section of the new contract. “During that time, SM has stated that they will contact you for freelance work if/when required but that you are also not exclusively bound to the label during that time, so you can assist other companies and artists. This will allow you to continue to earn income and gain further experience in this field. I will also say that you will find in the proposed contract that your fees have increased. I did not consult you on that, but felt that you had every right to request a higher rate given the success of your work thus far. I would encourage you to take a break for a couple of weeks, more if you wanted to take this opportunity to visit home, before letting me know you are ready for some more work with other artists. I do have one group in particular that I think would work for this short timeframe. They have not yet debuted but they do have varying levels of proficiency in English, varying from fluency to what is taught in our schools here.” He waved a hand in front of his face as he realised he’d said too much. “But that is a discussion for another date, I’m getting ahead of myself.”
You smiled, genuinely too. This was wonderful news and it settled a large part of your anxiety to have secured more work, especially work that would require little change. “Thank you Mr. Kim. I’ll take this contract home to review but it sounds promising. I think I will take a couple of weeks off to rest and recuperate, but I would like to request a clause be added to this contract. I understand that I may have some further changes to request, but I’m reasonably certain this one won’t already be in there.”
“What would that request be?” He asked.
“An allowance for one or two weeks of consecutive leave within the next 6 months for me to visit my family. I’m not ready to make a trip home yet, but I know I will be during that time period and I don’t wish to be told that I cannot go. I would provide sufficient notice for the leave, unless there was an emergency, so as to not hinder the progress of their artists' lessons.” In your mind it sounded reasonable, and you’d heard of difficulties with obtaining leave from work in Korea, so you wanted to safeguard yourself as best as you could.
“I’ll have our lawyers make the addition. We’ll hold off sending it to SM until you’ve read through the contract and made any other amendments.” He stood and shook your hand. “You’ve done well so far, and I continue to be impressed with your work.”
The meeting ended shortly after that which you were glad for. The feedback was self esteem boosting, and proved to yourself that you had done a great job, that your hard work had not only paid off but had been noticed. You also managed to tell yourself that your closeness with the guys wasn’t the sole factor for your success, they really did suck at English before your lessons and whilst the sex during the rewards and punishments was great, you were pretty sure you couldn’t learn a language purely from fucking. Somewhere along the lines, your lessons struck a chord with them and they wanted to learn, so they did, and it stuck. That was a job well done by you.
After you left Mr. Kim’s office you put your phone back in normal mode.The group chat had been busy these past few hours. Message notifications flooded your phone as you began the commute home. They had pinned a message so that you wouldn’t miss it once you finally checked your phone.
[11:48AM] Minseok: Please tell us when you finish your meeting. Kyungsoo wants you to come up for dinner so you can tell all of us what the outcome was.
The messages after were a chorus of predictions and bickering.
[11:51AM] Jongin: I think SM will do another contract.
[11:51AM] Sehun: Well duh. They’d be stupid to let her help our competitors.
[11:52AM] Jongdae: Noona could make some sweet demands if they offer a new contract.
[11:52AM] Kyungsoo: Yeah, make SM work for it. Lord knows they’ve fucked over too many idols in contracts. If they offer a new one MAKE A LAWYER LOOK AT IT.
[11:53AM] Yixing: Make demands of your own too. Make that thing benefit you, coz if they offer a new contract it means they want to stop you from working with other companies.
[11:53AM] Chanyeol: MAKE. SM. WORK. FOR. YOU. You’ll have the upper hand and they don’t want you to know that.
[11:54AM] Baekhyun: Yeah, fuck SM!!!
[11:54AM] Junmyeon: Guys…
[11:54AM] Minseok: Idk man, all I see is valid points being made.
[11:55AM] Junmyeon: I… you were meant to be on my side Minseok.
[11:55AM] Minseok: I never promised that.
[11:55AM] Minseok: Fuck SM.
[11:56AM] Kyungsoo: So I think we might be doing the opposite of encouraging you to consider taking another contract with them if they offer. What we mean to say is, have someone look over the contract, make some demands (because they have to acknowledge your worth now) and know that our disdain for our company comes from the nature of idol contracts which are VERY different to the kind of contract you would be offered.
[11:56AM] Junmyeon: Thank you!
[11:57AM] Kyungsoo: Stop making me do your job man.
There were another 500 messages after that (which you did not read), but you made sure to send one as requested
[3:30PM] You: Holy crap that is a lot of messages. No offence but I am not reading through all of them. As requested, I’m letting you know that I’ve finished my meeting. I’m heading back to the apartment now. What time do you want me up there for dinner?
[3:30PM] Kyungsoo: Food should be ready at 7 PM.
[3:30PM] You: I’ll see everyone then.
***
“Noona, can we talk before you come up for dinner?” You’d picked up on the first ring when you’d seen Baekhyun’s name pop up.
He sounded unsure of himself, which was a rarity. “Sure Baek. Is everything ok?”
“I think so? I hope so.” He groaned in frustration. “Ugh I don’t know.”
Now you were getting concerned. Was he ok? “What’s going on?”
“I’ve been thinking about everything you talked about last night and I think I understand why you had to just unload everything all at once to us.” He took a deep breath. “My brain has been working too much and making too many scenarios for me to keep up with.”
Well that you could relate to. You really didn’t wish the clusterfuck that had been your thoughts over this past week on anyone, so you empathised with Baek if he was suffering with the downward spiral that too many thoughts inevitably brought. “I get that. Would it help if you just tell me everything?”
He was quiet for a moment as he thought over his options. Quite likely he was worried that speaking to you would only make things worse. That’s precisely what made you a nervous wreck before you word vomited all over their living room last night. “Maybe. Might make everything worse, I don’t know.”
You tried to sound reassuring. It was always easier for you to provide comfort in person or via text. Over the phone was some strange middle ground where you didn’t always stick the landing. “It’s just me. Since when have we ever not been able to talk to each other?”
“You’re right.” He said. “Fuck. Ok.” Yeah, he was nervous. Should you be nervous? Was he about to reject you? Was he going to confess? No. You needed to remain as calm as possible. He was the one allowed to freak out right now, not you.
You pushed your growing anxiety down and said as reassuringly as you could. “I’m right here. Promise.”
You heard him take a steadying breath before he started speaking. “I guess I’ve been trying to work out where things stand between us.” He said. “It’s never just been friendship between you and I. There was always flirtation and we only got bolder with it as time went on until we had sex, which I know was as a result of my lesson, but I don’t know, we only had the lesson because we were about to fuck and you stopped it from happening until after that. I guess it felt like more than just because of the reward stuff I guess. It felt like something that was inevitable, like we were orbiting each other until we would ultimately collide.” He took a breath, meanwhile your heart was hammering in your chest.
“I know we’ve discussed it and both agreed that there was something more there, some kind of feelings neither of us had addressed. I don’t know how you feel now, but for me, after we slept together those feelings only intensified. I still didn’t know what they were so I just assumed they were born from lust but when you asked for space and then went silent for days I realised that they weren’t feelings of lust. I realised that I care deeply for you and the very thought of you not being in my life hurt me to my very core. I know it was just sex for you and everyone else but for me, I can’t say for sure, but I think I like you as far more than a friend and would not be satisfied just being a fuck buddy. I know I said I would never entertain us ever being able to actually be a real thing but I want that so much that it is physically painful. I needed to tell you before we all talked tonight because I want to be selfish and pursue you myself but I don’t know where you stand. I don’t know if I’m making a fool of myself right now and you’re thinking of the nicest way to reject me or if you don’t know how you feel or if you feel the same. All I know is that I barely slept last night after I realised all of this and I had to say something.”
“Baek,” You started.
He didn’t let you get the words out, not that you even knew what those words would be. So maybe him interrupting you was for the best right now. “I know this is a lot to dump on you, I know that, but I needed to say it.”
You weren’t sure if you were ready to tell him everything you realised on your call last night. It was still too confusing. Still too fresh. But you also couldn’t leave him hanging with nothing after he just poured his heart out to you. “You know I have feelings for you, just that at the time I didn’t know what those feelings were.”
“Have you worked it out since then?” He all but whispered, as though he was scared of what your response would be.
You couldn’t say it yet. You couldn’t say it until you believed it yourself. It wasn’t fair to him, but you couldn’t bring yourself to utter the words back to him. Not yet. “I think so but I’m not sure. I am so scared of ruining everything Baek.”
“I’ll let you think some more, but I want you to know that for me it is about much more than sex now. So think about how you feel and ask yourself if you feel the way you feel about me with anyone else?” He tried his best not to sound deflated, but you didn’t miss the pang of hurt in his voice as he spoke. He’d just confessed to you and whilst you hadn’t rejected him, you hadn’t reciprocated his feelings. You felt overwhelmed. You needed to say something, but what? What could you possibly say when you weren’t ready to admit how you felt, when you were too terrified to ask for what you wanted.”
You had to say something. For him, you couldn’t just leave him with nothing. “I -”
He cut you off again, though this time it was probably out of fear that you would reject his confession. “Don’t answer now. Just think about it and we’ll talk later. Bye noona.” He hung up before you could attempt to speak again.
You hung your head in shame. Why couldn’t you just tell him? You didn’t realise you were crying until you felt a tear hit your hand. You sank to the floor and let yourself cry for a few minutes, too overwhelmed with emotion to even try to stop the tears from falling. You felt guilty for not being able to tell him how you felt, for feeling like you were toying with his heart. This sweet, funny and endearing man, who had been so good to you. When he needed you the most, you’d choked. You didn’t deserve the feelings he harboured for you, how could you if you couldn’t even respond to him. How could you be deserving of that love when you all but pushed him away.
By some stroke of luck your eyes weren’t too red or puffy when you checked them before leaving your apartment. You really hoped your night didn’t end with you returning to this apartment to cry over a ruined relationship. There was only one way to find out, and in order to do that, you needed to walk out your front door and head upstairs.
***
“Alright, how did the meeting go?” Sehun broke the silence that was permeating the dinner table. Everyone had greeted you when you’d arrived, and made some small talk about their day. That felt strange. You’d never lacked for conversation with these men, but now they seemed to be walking on eggshells around you and you weren’t sure if it was because they were trying to protect themselves or you from where this evening went.
Regardless, you decided to put on a brave face and do your best to hear them out without breaking down. You felt exposed, fragile and breakable. But you pretended otherwise as best as you could. You just hoped they couldn’t see through the facade. “Really well. The feedback was all very positive and everyone agreed that I did an excellent job. Your CEO expressed his concerns about my boss and the managers suggesting that we be more personable but he agreed that the fact that we did that probably served as a catalyst for the success of the lessons.”
“That’s fantastic news!” Jongin said, far louder than he or anyone else at the table were prepared for. Everyone, Jongin included, jumped a little at his volume. He muttered a bashful apology afterwards, stating that he was just really happy for you.
You smiled at him. He was so very different to what the general public saw when he was onstage. He was soft spoken and endearing beyond words. “I’m also really grateful for the feedback you guys provided. I didn’t get a chance to say it before so I’ll say it now, thank you. Your words meant so much to me.” It was the honest truth. You had no idea that they would be asked for feedback about your work, and while they could have provided generic positive feedback they didn’t. Instead they provided in depth feedback about your abilities and how well you had worked with them. You would be forever grateful for the kind words contained in their feedback.
Kyungsoo decided to add to the conversation, his soft yet commanding voice cutting through your thoughts. “Bias aside, you earned that feedback. We did our best to only give the facts and not let our friendship cloud our opinions of you.”
“You cannot deny that we sucked at English before you noona.” Chanyeol quipped, laughing as he spoke.
Junmyeon looked personally attacked by his words. “Speak for yourself!”
“No, he’s right. We were bad at it.” Minseok laughed. “Like really fucking awful.”
Yixing pushed the food around on his plate with his chopsticks. “Anyway, uh, not to be pushy or anything but did you talk about what’s next for you?” He briefly locked eyes with you before diverting his gaze back to his plate.
“Yeah we did. Uh, they offered me another contract.” You saw all nine heads suddenly turn towards you and felt their gazes on you. “I do have to read over it and make sure it's fair but essentially they want to put me on contract for another 2 years. If EXO has schedules requiring English, then me teaching you takes priority over other groups, otherwise I’m free to work with any artists under the SM umbrella. Your CEO may assign me a group to work with, or managers may request my help. If no one requests then I’m kind of an in-house teacher/translator.”
Jongdae grinned. “I’m not going to lie, I’m glad they offered you more work, they would have been idiots not to, but it does mean you won’t be a stranger.”
Minseok was more hesitant as he spoke.“What are your thoughts on it, just based on the offer given you haven’t read it yet.”
You sat back in your chair, contemplating your response. “I’ve only had good experiences with SM so far, so the offer sounds good to me. I know a lot of the staff, I know the building, the resources, I know some of the artists, obviously I know all of you and work well with you. It feels like a good choice over starting anew elsewhere and hoping that I’m treated as well as I am here.” You smiled a little. “Plus, I get to see you guys if I’m still here, that’s a bonus.”
A smile finally formed on Minseok’s face. “I know we may have come across a bit brash earlier but,”
“Oh don’t worry. I already had a copy sent to a lawyer to look over it, and I also made a request for a leave allotment to be added into the contract.” You cut him off, already guessing what he was referring to from the earlier flood of messages. “Once I read through it myself I’ll discuss it with my lawyer and make any other changes that need doing then return it to Mr. Kim to negotiate for me.”
The unanimous response that came from all of them was creepily synchronised. “Good.”
You thanked all of them for their kind words again. “The contract won’t start for a few months, so until then I’m likely going to be freelancing. Mr. Kim has an idea of another group I can work with briefly before I become exclusive to SM. I think I’m going to take a couple of weeks off before committing to any of that though. I need some time to recalibrate.”
“Uh I guess that brings us to the elephant in the room.” Junmyeon said.
You waved your hands in front of you, not sure you would ever be ready for this conversation, but after how well the contract renewal offer had just gone you were apprehensive about the ‘what are we’ conversation. “Oh, we really don’t have to talk about it yet. I only mentally unloaded on all of you last night so if you need to take more time before discussing with me, please do.”
He chuckled awkwardly. “That’s the funny thing I think. Without really realising it we have discussed it over the past few months as things progressed.”
“Oh.”
He straightened in his seat and looked directly at you. “Yeah. We kind of realised that last night when we started trying to discuss it.” He shifted, trying to get comfortable in his head. That was the only sign you had that he was equally as nervous about this conversation as you were. “I think we should each just speak for ourselves and then go from there?” He offered.
All you could do was nod. “That seems fair.” This was happening. You weren’t sure you were prepared for it, regardless of what they said.
“As the leader I’ll go first.” He shifted again, this time his eyes looked everywhere but you as he spoke. “I, well, uh, I’ve actually just started seeing someone. It’s very early days but I really like her and want to pursue things with her. My parents introduced us and weirdly we kind of hit it off, which is not what usually happens when my parents play matchmaker.”
You thought you’d feel sad at being told someone wasn’t romantically interested in you, because that’s what this was right? He was dating someone and he really liked them. But rather than feeling like you’d been stabbed in the heart you felt happy for him. “So at present, pursuing anything other than friendship with you isn’t something I’m interested in. I also think we work better as friends and don’t want to lose the relationship we’ve got. We did have the least amount of sexual interaction so I don’t think it will have any impact on our friendship moving forward.” Once he finished speaking he lifted his gaze to you, apprehensively since he wasn’t sure how you’d react, but he visibly relaxed when he saw you beaming at him. “As long as a potential relationship with another member or members doesn’t leave anyone unsatisfied from the start then I give my blessings.”
“Are we going in age order?” Sehun asked.
Chanyeol replied. “That’s boring, just go in seating order.”
“Fine.” Sehun sighed, resigned to his fate of being the next to speak. “Noona, I cannot deny that my punishment was fun and that I experienced more than I ever thought I would. But for me it was never that deep I guess.” He shrugged. “The punishment/reward was an opportunity to explore some fantasies with no strings attached with a person who I trusted. I think I’d be a shitty boyfriend to you as well, I can barely take care of myself, and it wouldn’t be fair to you to put up with that burden. I’m not boyfriend material yet.” He wasn’t wrong about that. He always turned up unannounced, never read the room, stole all your chocolates and sulked if he wasn’t the centre of attention. Well, not always, but it happened more than it probably should. Maknae privileges. “However, I am excellent bestie material. So I’d like to remain a very good friend to you.” You’d been rejected as a romantic partner but once again, you didn’t feel sad. Sehun was an excellent friend to have. He loved chatting so he always had good gossip and he was so beloved that he could almost get away with murder. He smiled softly at you, hoping you weren’t disappointed in his choice.
Kyungsoo took a sip from his glass of water before grounding himself and speaking. “There are circumstances where I could see myself truly falling for you. You have a lot of the qualities that I look for in a partner. But I have to be truly honest with myself, and if I do that then I have to say that right now, I am so insanely career driven - both with music and acting. It doesn’t leave much time to fit in a relationship in a way that is fair to either person.” Logical reasoning. You understood that, but much like you had forced yourself to do last night, you wondered where his heart lay in this. “Our reward was incredibly fun, and something I would do again in a heartbeat, but it would be with no strings attached. I value your friendship above everything else and I also think that whilst you put poly on the table as an option, and it is not something I’m opposed to, I can’t ignore the fact that Baekhyun clearly has feelings for you that run deeper than I originally thought. So I think it would be unfair to pursue anything with you to see if feelings develop when one of us is already carrying that torch for you.”
You were shocked. Baekhyun barely even reacted to Kyungsoo’s words, something that unnerved you. You could feel him staring at you. Was he that obvious to them? Had he told them? Kyungsoo wanted to simply remain friends, and if he wasn’t so aware of how Baekhyun felt then he would have been fine to have a friends with benefits kind of situationship going on. You weren’t really sure what to do with that information. It was very flattering, but did you want to entertain someone who wasn’t sure if they had feelings for you?
Too impatient to wait to see if you were going to respond to anything that had just been said, Jongin began speaking. “You have been one of my closest friends since the start. You looked after me when the guys were on tour while I was injured and we hung out so much. I think we bonded over fried chicken and movies.” He smiled fondly at the memory. “You were one of the first people that I’ve met since we debuted who wanted to know me for me, not for who I was as an idol. I agree with hyung, there is a future where I could see myself falling for you under the right circumstances, you’re kind of loveable like that noona, but I would trade that possibility in an instant for your friendship. It means the world to me. I also think there’s one of us who has real feelings for you and it makes me giddy to think of the two of you together.” Did he also mean Baekhyun or was there another member harbouring feelings for you?
The chair next to Jongin scraped on the floor as Jongdae tried to adjust his sitting position. If he’d been going to cool, calm and collected - he’d failed. He looked stressed beyond belief. Was it him? Did he have feelings for you? “Ok so, like the others I cannot deny how highly I value your friendship,” Ok so not him then. “or the fact that I am a person with two working eyes and have spent too much time around Baekhyun to not notice his feelings for you.” You glanced at Baekhyun who still seemed to be checked out of the conversation, even with his eyes locked on you. His gaze was somehow blank and intense at the same time. Did he not care what anyone else was saying about you? Was he really going to be that selfish? He said he wanted you to himself but did that mean that if anyone else at this table confessed that you’d have to reject both of them? Because if he was going to be this indifferent, especially when they kept talking about his feelings for you, then surely picking one person would only lead to a rift forming within the group. “All of that said, I’ve also kind of been seeing someone. And I like her, like a lot, like an insufferable amount.
Minseok saw the opportunity to chime in. “He dreamt about having kids with her last night.” He smirked.
Jongdae looked mortified. “SHUT UP. Um, yeah. So that’s a thing and I just want my friend who I can ask questions to when I’m about to fuck everything up with my possible future wife. God I sound lame, I’m just going to stop talking now.” He sunk down in his chair, put his forehead on the table and banged it against the wood a few times. Minseok and a few others tried really hard not to laugh at him, but they failed miserably.
Chanyeol’s eyes darted around the table as he decided to try and pull focus from Jongdae, who appeared like he was waiting for the ground to open up and swallow him whole. “I uh, yeah I’m not dating anyone per se, but I’m also not looking to be tied down in a relationship right now.” Sehun snorted. “God, I sound like such a fuckboy saying that, but I think you kind of awoke some sort of confidence in me and I just want to play the field.” You heard a muttered “And absolutely no one is surprised you moron.” from Kyungsoo and had to stifle a laugh as Chanyeol continued to speak.
“I care for you a lot, and I know one of us cares deeply for you so I want to leave things with us as friends. You’re interesting and fun to be around, you’re competitive in silly games and aren’t a sore loser. Hah, I could probably learn a thing or two from you there. Anyway, yeah. That’s me done.” Again someone saying that another member had feelings for you, but not specifying who. So did he mean Baek or did Yixing or Minseok also harbour feelings for you? You were surprised how at peace you felt with everyone only wanting friendship from you - so far. Kyungsoo admitting he’d fuck you again in a heartbeat had shocked you. That man was usually much more reserved than that.
Yixing was sitting next to you so he turned to you as he spoke. “Ah my sweet lady. I like you a lot,” He took your hand, his thumb caressing the back of your palm gently. “and honestly if I let myself I could so easily fall for you, but I’m also a workaholic to a fault. I have such high ambitions and drive for myself that I tend to fill up every minute I’m not on a schedule with more work.” He laughed. “If it weren’t for these guys, I’d probably forget to sleep.” He paused and you felt the room somehow grow even quieter. What the fuck was he about to drop on you that everyone else this still? “I’m also headed back to China in a few weeks and, ah this sucks,” He hung his head, clearly upset about having to leave Korea again. “I don’t know when I’ll get to come back this time. The political climate has never been great between our two countries but right now it is really tense.”
Ah, that explained the feeling in the room. He was leaving and no one knew when or if he would return. You felt sad. You were going to miss him a lot, as were the rest of the guys. He always worked too hard when he was away from the group because no one on his team in China seemed to grasp how hard he would work himself unless they forced him to stop and take a rest. You returned your attention to the man in front of you. He sighed sadly. “So I’m going back and working on music as a soloist, working on some acting projects and would hopefully be back next year for our new album, but it's all kind of up in the air. I couldn’t burden you with any of the long distance crap and it wouldn’t be fair to either of us to even try to date and explore any feelings we may have when there would be such difficulty actually seeing each other. It will be a big enough strain on our friendship so whoever does end up dating you has my full support as long as they let me smother you with hugs when I return.” You were confused. His words made it seem like if it weren’t for returning to China, that he would want to date you, but he hadn’t said that he had feelings for you, just that he could see himself having feelings. Was it kind of like Kyungsoo’s situation? You let go of his hand as Chanyeol pulled him backwards into a big hug.
Minseok tapped you on the shoulder to get you to turn towards him. He smiled softly at you then took a deep breath. “Alright then.” He started. You knew he hated airing his business in front of others so regardless of what he was about to say, it was likely stressing him out. “Ah, well you and I probably had the most sex out of the group given the fuck buddy arrangement we’ve had going on. It was mostly stress relief and if we weren’t to have a physical relationship anymore, I don’t think it would drastically change our relationship. I value my movie nights with you over sex so ultimately I don’t want to lose my friendship with you. I trust you implicitly and we’ve both seen each other's ugly sides and haven’t run away from them. I could see circumstances where we pursue a romantic relationship, but like yourself, I haven’t really allowed my feelings to come into play so I’d be content just being your friend.” He glanced towards Baekhyun, who was staring at you. “Like the others, I also cannot ignore Baekhyun’s feelings towards you. I in no way want to come between what could be something beautiful between the two of you.”
Baekhyun doesn’t speak. He hasn’t said a word since you set foot in the dorm and he hasn’t averted his gaze from you the entire time. You could feel it boring into you while everyone spoke. He hadn’t said anything to correct anyone about his feelings for you and it seemed like he had no plans to speak in front of them either. You gave him a few moments to see if he was going to say anything, and noticed the way the others all looked towards him when he chose to remain silent.
You decided to respond to everyone else. Just because Baekhyun was choosing to be silent for the first time in his life didn’t mean it was fair to leave the eight other men in the lurch after they had all just told you how they felt. They needed to know how you were feeling about everything. “Well ok, this makes everything easier. After we spoke last night I did a lot more thinking about our relationships and where I wanted to stand with each of you. I came to the conclusion that your friendship means more to me than anything else and so with that, I was going to say that I think it is for the best that we don’t sleep together anymore. It kind of worked out well that all of you landed on that conclusion as well. Like some of you said, there are circumstances where I could see myself falling for you, but I’m also aware of how that would not be fair to explore, given everything. I love each of you in my own way, and I’m so happy that I get to keep my friends.” You could actually hear the en masse exhale that they let out once they heard you speak. They hadn’t hurt your feelings and everything was going to be ok. “The only thing I’ll ask, actually no - it’s more of a demand at this point - is that you stop being so awkward around me now. Things can go back to how they were, just don’t cross the line into being too inappropriate.”
They all laugh and agree, and just like that the strange tension that had surrounded the dorm disappears. However, one cloud of tension remains, concentrated solely around Baekhyun. He dropped his gaze when you’d spoken and hadn’t lifted it from the floor since. If anyone was worried about Baekhyun’s silence, they didn’t show it. You’d have to take him aside and speak with him soon enough. You’d promised to talk to him tonight.
You continued to tell everyone how happy you were that they all wanted to remain friends with you, whilst also pressing Junmyeon and Jongdae for details about their dating life. You can practically see the hearts in their eyes when they talk about the new women in their lives and honestly, you couldn’t be happier for them. Poly was a fun idea to put on the table but it was never going to work long term for these guys. Logistically, emotionally or publicly. So it was for the best that none of you decided to venture down that path.
Once everyone began to disperse you moved towards Baek and asked “Baek, can we speak privately?.” He shrugged but didn’t say no. He didn’t say anything. You walked towards his room and he followed you. You weren’t sure what the shift in him was from earlier this evening. Earlier he seemed like he wanted to date you, but now he wouldn’t even look at you and he looked so dejected and sullen, like he was fighting off tears. “Hey, Baek. Are you ok?” You asked. You wanted to reach out to comfort him but you weren’t sure if that would make matters worse. You had no idea what he was feeling.
He nodded in response, still not uttering a word.
“Sweetie, you need to speak to me if you want me to believe you.”
“I’m just.” He sighed, “I guess I’m just struggling. Like of course I want to keep you as a friend, not having you in my life would be too hard, but I guess I was really hoping you’d work out your feelings for me as more than that.” He stared at the ceiling as he tried to remain calm but you could tell he was beginning to crack. “I know it wouldn’t be easy dating me, not because of who I am as a person, but because I’m an idol. Like we’d have to be secretive and couldn’t be all couply and go on normal dates like normal couples and maybe you don’t want to date someone who has to hide you. It’s just hard coz I realised all these feelings recently and now I’ve gotta reconcile with them and stuff them away. Which I will do, you are too important to me to not still be friends, but not gonna lie, it’ll be hard for me for a while I think.”
He just wanted to be friends now? But when he’d spoken to you earlier, he said he wanted so much more than that. You were so confused. “Baek, what are you on about?”
His head snapped back to stare at you incredulously. “What am I on about?!” He exclaimed, clearly frustrated and hurt. “You just told all of us that you want to remain friends with us. After I told you about how I felt earlier. So I guess I am not doing great with the rejection ok?”
Oh. Oh. Oh no. He’d misunderstood horribly. You’d responded to the others because they’d spoken. None of what you said at the table was for him because he hadn’t spoken. “No, oh my god no, you’ve misunderstood.”
He looked so hurt, close to breaking as he responded. “What?”
You tried to remain calm, hoping it would make him calm. “Baek, I want to remain friends with the eight of them. I didn’t want to announce my feelings for you in front of them because you weren’t speaking. I didn’t know if you’d told any of them how you felt or if they’d all just worked it out, but then you didn’t speak. You stared at me the entire time but then you said nothing.” You paused as you took a step closer to him. “Plus my confession should be for your ears only first.”
He staggered backwards, not at all prepared for the words you’d said. “Wait, what are you saying?”
You locked eyes with him and did not break eye contact as you spoke. You needed to be certain that he heard you loud and clear. You’d been too weak to say it earlier, even though you knew how you felt. He deserved to hear it hours ago, but you couldn’t turn back time, so hearing it now would have to do. “Byun Baekhyun, I like you, a lot. Way more than is healthy for me I think. I want you in my life, I want to have you as one of my closest friends but I also want so much more. I want to be able to hold you, flirt with you, do domestic as fuck things with you, date you in whatever capacity we can date. I know that won’t be easy, I’m not naive about the secrecy that dating would require but to me you’re worth it. I want all of you, and I don’t want to share my romance with anyone but you. I’m not against bedroom scenarios that involve guests but I want you and only you as the person I fall even further for.”
“Fuck.” He whispered.
“Yeah. I want to do a lot of that too. You have no idea, but this is supposed to be romantic, not a confession from a horny teenager.” You both laughed. “I don’t know when my feelings changed or if I’d just ignored the way I felt about you for a long time but once I sat down and thought about my options with all of you, and spoke very discreetly with my best friend back home, I realised how sad I was every time I thought of not being able to be anything other than a friend to you. For every other member I was fine with the prospect of just friendship, but with you, it made me inexplicably sad.”
“Are you sure? Because don’t get me wrong, I want this, but it would be stupid of me to not understand the reality of it. Like you said, we won’t be able to go out on dates like a normal couple. We would have to be so careful. So unbelievably careful.” He paused as he took a couple of steps towards you, closing the distance between the two of you. “I think at this point a dating scandal wouldn’t ruin my career nor would it ruin EXO, but I’d be so worried about you.” He reached out to brush a stray strand of hair behind your ear, his hand lightly resting on your cheek afterwards. His eyes shone bright with emotion. He cared so much about you. “People can be so cruel, and I don’t want to see you hurt by their words should anything leak.”
You placed your hand over his, your eyes glistening with emotion. You knew his feelings for you, and he knew how you felt about him yet he still took the time to worry when he could be kissing you. “I don’t know that there is any way to prepare for the hate that would come my way if something got out about us, but I think that unless there was evidence of us in some compromising position it would be easy for SM to deny the rumours. In some ways working for the company and with the group allows for us to be seen together. We’d just have to keep things very work oriented when we aren’t in the safety of our homes.”
Baekhyun let out a shuddering breath. “I’m, fuck, why am I scared?”
You smiled. “Because. We really like each other. Fear is natural when you have something to lose but I think that just means trying to hang on to that special thing, or person in this instance, is worth anything that could be thrown at us. I’d like to think you wouldn’t just abandon me the moment a rumour comes out.”
He shook his head instantly. “I wouldn’t. I promise.”
“Then yeah, I’m all in on trying this thing. You and I. Exclusive. Together.”
His eyes widened at your words, like he still couldn’t quite believe this was happening. All the bravado you’d seen throughout the rest of your relationship with him was gone. The man who stood before you now was Baekhyun stripped bare. He was beautiful, inside and out. You don’t know how you denied yourself these feelings for so long, but if you continued to do so the sheer weight of what you felt might just consume you. “Is this really happening?” He asked.
“It is if you agree to it.” You replied. You stared up at him as you waited for him to accept your feelings and close the gap between you.
He leant in. “I can’t believe you actually like me. Didn’t you once say I was the most annoying person in the world?” He whispered. He was so close you could feel the ghost of the movement of his lips as he spoke.
“Maybe you’ll be less annoying if I get to call you mine.” Did he expect you to kiss him? Was he waiting for you to make the first move like you were waiting for him to do?
“Oh. No. That’s where you’re wrong.” He smiled against your lips, the sensation of them touching but not kissing you was driving you insane. “I will be even more annoying if I’m yours.” His hand moved from your cheek to the back of your head, holding you in place.
“Still a risk I’m willing to take.” Baekhyun’s fingers tightened against your neck, stretching up into the edges of your hairline. He felt like he was trying to bring his own body as close to yours as possible.
You waited for him to agree to date you, but he kept seemingly dodging a response. It was beginning to make your anxiety spike. What if he really liked you, admitted his feelings, yet still did not want to date you? Could you handle that? You didn’t think you could, not after laying your heart on the table for him like that. “Baek?” You asked.
“Yeah?” He replied as his free hand snaked around your waist, pressing your bodies against each other. You could feel your heart hammering in your chest as your breath hitched.
“Please don’t leave me hanging.” You pleaded. You needed to hear him say it now that he knew how you felt. You felt light headed, and like your knees might buckle.
“What?” He sounded confused. The butterflies in your stomach felt like they were caught in a hurricane for how tingly you felt.
“I’ve told you what I want, confessed my feelings to you. B-but, you. You haven’t -” You struggled to get the words out.
He must have realised what you were trying to say as his grip on you tightened. “Fuck! Sorry noona, shit. I want to date the hell out of you.” You could feel how hard he was miling against your mouth as he spoke. “I’m excited for all the silly domestic things we can do. I want to buy couple pyjamas for us. I want to smother you with kisses and affection as much as I can when we are alone. If I don’t, I don’t think I’ll be able to handle my shit in public. I’m scared. I’m so so soooo happy, also a bit horny but that’s nothing new, mostly I’m just waiting to wake up from this dream.” You could feel yourself tremble, all the pent-up anxiety and fear and self-loathing having no other way to exit your body. The physical manifestation of the nerves wasn’t something you could control.
“Well could you hurry up and kiss me then?”
“Gladly.” Baekhyun closed the nonexistent gap between you as he pressed his lips against yours. The kiss started out softly, carefully and full of what could be referred to as love. He was kissing you with all the pent up emotion that he was now allowed to set free. You’d never been kissed like this before. Never been kissed in such a way where you could feel the emotion being poured into you. You felt desperate for him. It felt so good.
Baekhyun pressed harder against you as he kissed away all of your worries and doubts. You could feel how much he wanted you, more than just sexually, as his tongue swept across your lips, requesting entrance. You granted it readily, equally needing to devour him and reciprocate how you felt about him through the kiss. The raging butterflies in your stomach had morphed into tingling sensations that fluttered across every nerve ending.
He pulled back just enough to cradle your face in his hands as he gazed at you with so much affection that you felt like you might combust. “I feel like I’ve gone crazy,” he chucked. “He didn’t allow you space to speak before jumping in to continue kissing you.
You continued to kiss and hold each other for a while, trying to make up for lost time as you attempted to express every emotion via kisses. Some soft and loving, others rough and demanding. It’s you who pulled away the next time, as you both tried to catch your respective breaths. “We should tell the others.”
Baekhyun nodded. “Yeah, and then can we please go to your apartment? I just want to spend time with you. I don’t care if we just hold each other and make out or if we do more, I just want to be close to you.”
“That sounds perfect to me.” You pressed a chaste kiss to his lips before you grabbed his hand. “Let’s go before we change our minds and they find us in here.”
The two of you headed back out towards the living area hand in hand. The others all appeared to be caught up in various discussions but they stop once someone notices yours and Baekhyun’s intertwined hands. Baekhyun cleared his throat, unable to keep the smile off his face as he exclaimed. “We’re dating, and I hope all of you can be happy for us because, speaking for myself here, I’m really happy right now. I thought I’d lost her earlier tonight but as usual I misunderstood.” He smiled down at you. “Thank fuck it was a misunderstanding, otherwise all of you would be dealing with me being mopey and heartbroken.”
One by one the members got up and came forward to embrace the two of you. You were over the moon with the outcome from this evening. You’d secured a new contract, didn’t have to move companies, got to keep some of the best friends you’d ever had and gained a boyfriend. Pretty productive night if you said so yourself. However, you couldn’t help but notice that neither Minseok or Kyungsoo had approached the two of you since Baekhyun’s announcement.
In fact, neither of them were even in the room. Suddenly the lights dimmed and the two missing members entered the room, holding a cake. It wasn’t anyone’s birthday. What was the cake for? As they got closer you heard the other members giggling and grew suspicious. Any of these men giggling was never a good sign. Finally the cake came into view as the two of them stood before you and Baekhyun. “Yah!” Baekhyun laughed as he tried his hardest to sound mad. “Did you fucking plan this?!”
“Dude, you could not have been more obvious in your affections as far as we were concerned. “Kyungsoo deadpanned. “After we all talked last night it became pretty obvious that none of us felt the same way you did, and whilst some of us could see ourselves reaching that point, we weren’t there now. We were always expecting you to confess, and well, noona, you were always closer to Baek than any of us. There was always something brewing under the surface there so we had faith that you’d reciprocate his feelings. So we figured baking a cake for the occasion was a sure bet.”
“You did have us worried when you didn’t say a single word at the table but I’m glad to see it all worked out. We did change the message on the cake just in case you hadn’t confessed to each other by the time you came back out of the room.” Minseok smirked. You finally diverted your gaze to the cake. And laughed. You laughed so hard that you struggled to breathe.
Hurry up and confess to each other so we can celebrate.
“This was your amendment?!” You managed to splutter in between laughs.
Kyungsoo grinned. “Yeah. The original message said Congratulations on realising your feelings.”
“I hate all of you, just so you know.” Baekhyun grumbled, though it was not even remotely convincing what with the huge smile on his face.
“You love us.” Minseok said. “And we’re very happy for you.”
“Now eat the damn cake. I baked it with love.” Kyungsoo said as he thrust the cake towards the two of you.
“You baked for us?” You asked as you smiled.
“Of course I did. I’d only let the others bake if I wanted you to be poisoned. I don’t know how he’d manage it but Junmyeon could give you food poisoning even if all the ingredients were in date. What do you take me for, a monster?” He replied, unable to wipe the smile off his face.
***
After the cake had been eaten,you and Baekhyun decided that it was time to take your leave and head down to your apartment for the night. You made your way around the room to bid each of the members goodnight, and to give each of them a warm hug. You held Yixing extra tight, promising to come have a movie day with him before he had to return to China. You also made him promise to schedule video calls with you so you could keep in touch. He swore that we would and you planned to hold him to that promise.
Minseok walked the two of you to the door. The three of you chatted easily as you and Baekhyun put your shoes on. You were enveloped in a strong embrace as Minseok held you and told Baekhyun to take good care of you because you now had eight friends who would gut him if he hurt you. The weight of his words was diminished when he posed the exact same threat to you. Baekhyun laughed at his protective hyung, cooing at how cute he was for threatening the two of you.
He didn’t let go of you as he reached out to playfully slap Baekhyun. To his credit, Baekhyun let the two of you have your moment as he watched you both silently.
You should have known better. Silence and Baekhyun were never a good mix. “So what if I want Minseok to join in every now and again?” He said as though he was talking about the weather.
“What?!” You both spluttered.
Baekhyun shrugged. “Noona, Hyung, you should see your faces.” He giggled. “I’m only half kidding though.”
“Yeah, you are going to have to say more than that dude.” Minseok groaned.
Baekhyun smiled at both of you. “I don’t know about either of you, but if I had to take a wild guess - we all had a better than good time during hyung’s reward. I’m just not opposed to something like that happening again, obviously not a frequent thing, but yeah. I’m sure you are more than capable of taking charge in the bedroom noona but it was really fucking hot watching both of you and being told what to do. So uh, yeah, just saying I’m happy to leave that door open for a future session.”
“Baek, you can’t just say things like that as though it's normal conversation.” You replied.
“What made you decide to bring that up now of all times?” Minseok asked as you spoke.
“To answer noona - Is that a no to my idea then? Coz like, that’s also fine. To answer hyung - I was reminded of it when the two of you were hugging.”
Minseok shook his head at the younger man. “You’re fucking weird dude.”
“You like it.” Baekhyun quipped.
“I don’t dislike it.” He agreed. “Look, I’m down as long as it doesn’t become weird. It was fun, it was deeply satisfying and it was hot, but not something I’d be willing to ruin our friendships over.”
You finally found some words, not quite believing where the night had taken you. “I feel the same. So uh, I guess at such a time when we want to involve a third, we know who to call…”
“This cannot be my life.” Minseok shook his head in disbelief and pointed towards the door. “Can you two leave already so I don’t get sprung with any more headache inducing conversation topics?”
Baekhyun grabbed your hand and led you through the door. “Let’s go angel.”
You were content, more than content as you stepped across the threshold with Baekhyun, who was now your boyfriend, you supposed. You’d have to discuss labels later. You wanted to spend the entire night in his arms, and like him you did not care if that was while you watched movies, played games, talked, or expressed your feelings for each other in a much more physical manner. All you knew was you felt right, you felt loved and cherished and you felt like you were in a state of utter bliss.
A/N: Thank you if you've stuck with me over the course of the past 7 years. I simply don't have the words to express my gratitude to everyone who made it to this point of my lil fic. Well it was supposed to be little. It was supposed to be 9 chapter of pwp and only take me a couple of months to write but then all of this happened. I grew as a writer through this fic and explored different aspects of what I could write. I'm proud of this fic and glad that it didn't become another one of those unfinished fics on the internet.
It would mean the world to me if you could leave a comment. I love you all.
You're being stupid. That's what you keep telling yourself. Kai is an idol, sometimes he is going to be around female idols, he is going to do dance challenges with them or talk to them, he can't exactly snub them. You couldn't help but compare yourself to them though. You trusted Kai, you really did, but sometimes, when your mental health was bad and the insecurities kicked in, you felt like he could do better than you.
When you were next with Kai, you were so stuck in your head about everything he noticed how distant you were being.
"Jagi?" he asked you, when you made no reaction to his hand on your thigh as you sat together on the sofa.
You simply hummed in response.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing," you answered, far too quickly for it to be the truth.
"Come on, something's bothering you," he said giving you a little nudge.
"I don't want to talk about it," you replied, bluntly.
"I just want to help," he continued.
"Jongin, let it go," you snapped.
"Fine," he muttered, moving away to sit on the other end of the chair to you.
"Talking about it will just upset me, so I don't want to right now, you don't have to be like that."
"You don't have to snap at your boyfriend when he's trying to help."
You let out a frustrated sigh. "Don't try and guilt trip me."
"What can't you talk to me about? Am I the problem? Because if I am that's more reason to talk to me," he continued.
"No, not exactly-"
"Yah! What do you mean not exactly?"
"See this is why I didn't want to talk about it."
Kai stood then and moved in front of you, making sure you couldn't look away from him. "What did I do?"
"Nothing."
"Then what did 'not exactly' mean?"
You hesitated then. He clearly wasn't going to drop it, so you were trying to work out how to put your feelings into words.
"Y/n?" he questioned.
"I don't like seeing you with other women," you rushed out, before realising how that sounded. "Wait- no, that didn't-"
"Because you don't trust me?"
"That's not what I meant. I just think- It's hard for me seeing you with these beautiful idols, when I'm- me."
"You think I'd cheat on you?" he questioned in an accusatory tone.
"No! It's not about you-" Your voice raised as you spoke.
"Then what is it about?"
"If you calm down and let me get my words out..."
"You didn't even want to talk to me a second ago."
"I can't talk to you when you're like this," you said, your tone dropping as you stood to head to the door.
Kai stayed stationary for a moment as pulled your shoes on. Before you had a chance to gather up your things though, he was next to you holding your bag. The two of you just stood looking at each other in silence briefly.
"What's wrong?" he asked again, his voice now much softer.
"It's not that I think you would cheat. It's that I believe you'd be better off with one of them. I look at myself and then these gorgeous women you're surrounded by in your working life and I can't compare. I don't feel like I deserve to be with you."
"Jagiya," he let out in a whisper.
You sniffed as the emotions started to hit you. "And this is why I didn't want to talk about," you managed to say as your voice broke.
Immediately, you were engulfed in your boyfriends arms as you broke down.
"I love you," he mumbled as he pressed small kisses in to your hair. "I love you, and I'll keep saying it until all those thoughts leave."
You just held onto him tighter as he spoke, giving you the reassurance you so clearly needed in the moment.
"Anytime you feel this, you tell me. Even if I'm not with you and you've seen something, some video online, and it makes you uncomfortable, call me. I will remind you that you are the one I will always choose, ok?"
All you could do was nod.
"Do you want to take your shoes off and come back in?"
You nodded again.
Kai's chest vibrated against you as he laughed. "You need to let go then."
This time you shook your head and snuggled further into him, if that was even possible. With another laugh at your cuteness, Kai squeezed you back, content just to hold you until you were ready.
