Simple Forgiveness
Wanted to post this here cause I enjoyed writing this scene and want to become more confident in showing my writing off. <3 Hope you enjoy!
Also, I use J. R. Tokien’s Sindarin for the Aldmeri language and Dragon Age’s Dalish for the Bosmeri Language. Ren is fluent in both of them so he will slip in both at the same time.
Kaidan belongs to LivTempleton
Rennare Wilder, Mrasi, and the mentioned Bug belong to me.
Shuz belongs to @myosotis-veille
The walk down from High Hrothgar was difficult. With each step it felt like a hundred more of those burning needles that my father penetrated my palms with were going through my feet. There were times when I could hear the distant sound of chains, the thought of them making my ankles feel heavy. Despite the isolation upon this mountain and in the town alone, the air felt too stuffy. It was like breathing in cotton covered in oil and lit aflame in my lungs.
Silently, I counted the steps as we went down. It was something to keep my mind busy, to keep my mind off Kaidan. Yet every time I looked up, it was just another reminder of his absence. I messed up big time, the guilt was still hounding me. The awful things I had said to him like telling him to dump his big head in the sea of ghosts and never come back or that I never wanted to see him again. Words that I want to say to him bubble in the back of my throat, searing into my flesh. Apologies trembled in my teeth, ready to slip out. Except I could not say them for I knew not where he was. I could write to him, but I wanted to say it to his face, to show that the things I spoke agonized my every waking moment.
So wrapped up in my self pity I didn’t even hear as Mrasi tried to speak with me. I noticed neither Mrasi nor Him as they tried to pull me out. The only thing that did catch my attention was when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
My heartbeat escalated, breath becoming short, body tense. Out of reaction and not sense, I tore myself away, shrinking back only to see Him giving me a confused expression. He spoke no words and Mrasi was telling him something, but my senses were fogged. Memories of the past began to surface. As they breathed life, they took life away from me. I try to say I’m sorry but the words come out dry, falling dull like a leaf trying to cut skin. A piercing wind cuts through; I grab my hood to keep my face hidden.
“Let’s get to the inn and rest,” was all I could muster, eyes casted down and turning away from my three companions. Pelinal let out a small purr, nuzzling his big head underneath my arm. “We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow.” I don’t look the large sabre cat in the eye, I can’t. They don’t stop me or try to talk to me. Honestly, I don’t know if Him could talk but if he could I may have scared him from doing so. Saying I’m sorry feels so empty, I need to do something. Yet any idea I could conjure up felt desperate and fake. If only Kai were here, in my mind I can imagine him. Blonde hair, big goofy smile, his lame- my feet stop. Along with the rest of my group.
Mrasi moves next to me and from the corner of my eye I see his brows furrowing. “Ren, are you okay?” I nod, but don’t speak. If I spoke he would know it was a lie. My voice would shake, throat cracking and breaking as if it were eggs being dropped from a child’s hands. He opens his mouth but swallows his words and we continue to talk.
I try to recreate the image but everything has left me. The face of the man I seemed to have created has disappeared and now I see eyes of red, piercing and serious. There’s no smile on the male’s face but there is a warmth to how he talks and does things. He reaches his hand out and I go to grab it, only to find the beginning of the bridge. My hand rests upon its mossy stone, feeling the river beat underneath it. The water beneath only froze the burning cotton inside my lungs.
With a deep breath, I try to calm the flames before turning to Him and Mrasi. “You two go on to the inn, I want to pay a quick visit to a friend.” Mrasi nodded, giving Him no time to ponder just what I was doing as he dragged him away. Seeing the brunette nord archer being lead by a blonde mage made me smile. The sight just felt familiar somehow like watching someone do something you’ve dreamt of doing your entire life, seeing them succeed while you never tried.
In silence, I stood there, looking up at the clouds, so far up in the sky. I dream of being up there, flying, far from everything that had ever cursed my existence. Birds pass by, graceful and serene. A smile tugs on my lips as I imagine my mother’s hand raising towards the sky, she sounds happy despite the dirty under her nails, the scars on her arms.
Mindlessly, I turn to look at her only to find eyes of crimson blood and black scales flying towards me. Fire consumes me, I try to escape but I am stopped by the feeling of stone underneath my hands. My body gasps for air and despite the cold, I feel sweat pouring from my skin. Stupid visions, I silently scold myself, gathering whatever sense I had left. They keep coming, what do they mean? Whoever the black dragon was, I held no idea what seeing him meant. All I could gather was that he meant no good. He had destroyed Helgen, thrown me upon this journey - whether he meant to or not. Deep breaths, I coach myself, tearing my body away from the stone and towards Narfi’s home.
Although the ruined house was on the other side of the river, it was shallow enough for one to walk through without fear of being pulled away. Of course, I took my boots off and rolled up my pants so that only my feet would get wet. The contrast of the cold bit at my burns, making the water around it boil. Keep moving forward, a small little willing towards myself, trying to ignore how the heat felt against my cooler right side.
When my feet finally met the dirt and grass, a contented released from my lungs. Looking towards the shack, my heart clenched like a child sucking on their thumb. With bare steps, I went over to the burnt wooden home where I first met Narfi and placed a hand on the side of it. I walked towards where the entrance had been, facing the mountain that it stood underneath of. That’s where a small bed of flowers grew, flourishing slowly, gently rising from where Narfi had been buried.
“Aneth ara, Narfi.” My voice seems to barely be heard over the waterfall, I wonder if I did actually use my voice. “It’s been awhile, abelas I haven’t been able to visit often. The world has gotten so hectic, sometimes I wonder how it’s all still holding together.” Silence as always and I kneel before the grave, petting the flowers with my fingers. They were thriving and I was thrilled. So why were there tears in my eyes? “Naer, I made a huge mistake.” My words tremble as I wipe the water from my eyes. “I said horrible things to one of my friends and I made him leave. His name is Kaidan and I worry for him, he’s alone out there and if he gets hurt it’ll be my fault.” Clenching the amulet around my neck, I tried to take calm, deep breathes. “I don’t know what to do. I want to look for him, but I said such awful things.”
I sat there, hands clenched together against my necklace, a soft prayer playing soundlessly in my head. Bowing my head till it rested upon my knuckles I begged the gods to hear me. Please, keep Kaidan safe from harm. He’s a good man. So hard was I praying, trying to will the masters of the world to listen, I didn’t realize someone was behind me. Not until I heard a small cough.
Jumping I quickly got up. “I-Ir abelas,” brushing the dirt off my clothes, I continued to speak, voice stuttering and shaking. “I didn’t mean to take so long, I was just-” my words came to a halt as I turned to see Kaidan standing behind me. “Kaidan, ir abelas, I didn’t-”
He stops me with just the raising of his hand. My heart stumbles. He must hate me now, I bite my bottom lip, eyes casted down in shame. The words I said echo in my head like diseases sinking their teeth into my flesh. What a fool I was, to think that the simple words of apology would fix everything. Twisting my fingers together, I waited for him to speak, a wave of anxiety causing my to play with my hair, twisting the long strands that I had begun to grow used to. I was thankful that my hair was in a messy braid or else I would be knotting up the entire thing.
No words and I felt the need to jump in the river and allow myself to never surface again. Just as I opened my mouth to speak again, I am stopped when Kaidan places a hand on my head. “Aye, I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you about magic, it wasn’t fair of me.” My body is frozen. Instinct tells me to tense, to push him away and get as far as I can, but my heart flutters at this simple gesture. There was warmth in his eyes and I felt my face heat up. “You’ve been so kind to me, it’s not fair if I lumped you with all the other magic users cause yer not like them.”
“What made you come back?” The question bounced off my tongue before I could hold them back. Curiosity got the best of me. “Not that I don’t accept your apology, we were both in the wrong. I’m just a little curious,” I whispered out the last part but by Kaidan’s slight smile, it seemed like he heard me. Yet, as soon as the smile appeared, it vanished.
He opened his mouth to begin, his hand pulling away from my head to rub the back of his neck. “Well, um, you see,” his eyes went down and in the light they seem to turn into a dark reddish brown like a setting distant sun behind mountains. “I ran into this weird looking kahjiit, I think her name was Bug, that’s what she referred herself as. Either way,” he began to shift on his feet, looking a bit nervous. “She had lost her companion. At first I thought she was looking for shoes but no, that was her companion’s name, Shuz.” A small chuckle and I feel myself smile at the sound. It was like listening to a baby laugh at something completely irrelevant but one can’t help but smile at the joy presented before them. “Well we found her companion who was the large orc and she’s this tiny little human looking khajiit, but she was so happy. Threw herself into his arms and everything, the orc began to scold her but seemed genuinely happy to have found her. Honestly, seeing that, I thought of you.”
A blush rises in my cheeks, the heat intense. “Me?” I always wondered if people thought of me or if I was memorable in any way but hearing this was a bit embarrassing. “Why me?”
Kaidan shrugged. “I don’t know, I just, she was outgoing and loud, nothing like you. But she was genuinely happy to see her companion and that joy, it made me think of you. You always smile at me and it’s so,” he pauses to look at me, his gaze intense. “It’s real.”
Before I could stop myself, I threw myself at him, hugging him tightly. “Thank you, for coming back. I was worried that you would get hurt.” I didn’t care if Kaidan had put his arms around me or not, I just wanted to express my gratitude and sometimes actions were better than words. Yet, he did wrap his arms around me, kind of. One hand patted my head, the other wrapped lightly around my shoulders.
“Aye, I can’t leave you alone too long. Who knows what kind of trouble you’ll get into, bookworm.”
I can’t help but giggle. “Very true and somebody has to heal your wounds and provide relief when your scars act up.” For a moment, we remain there, till I realize that I never asked permission. “Eck! Abelas! I never asked permission to hug you!”
Another small chuckle and I can’t help but admire the sound. He rubs my hair and I give him a small pout. “Yer right about that, now let’s go to the inn. You look like you haven’t eaten in days.” I say nothing, twiddling my thumbs. “Dammit, Ren.”
