I read your post about opening up and cried about four times. Thank you. I needed this. I will reach out.
I hope you didn't send this ages ago because I only just read it now, I'm worried I'm not getting my message alerts! If this has been sitting in my inbox for ages, I sincerely apologize xo
Things are emotionally brutal for the LGBTQIA community right now; I cannot imagine how vulnerable you feel in a world where the bad guys are legalizing hate and horror and violence and the 'good guys' aren't truly rising to this moment as effective allies and politicians and activists.
I don't know what it's like to be LGBTQIA in 2022. I know my kid is in a bad way mental-health-wise. I don't know how anyone CAN be in a decent way right now, especially demographically vulnerable people. Things are really, really tough, and all signs point to stuff getting harder before they get better. It's not just hard right now, it's scary. I don't know what it's like to be you. I'm a straight, cis, white, middle-aged woman. I've had a challenging life, to be sure, but it's just not the same as the systemic and escalating burdens of trans and non-binary folks.
After many life lessons, I've learned (the hard way, which is how I learn everything lol) that finding supportive resources and cultivating allies is a big, big deal and a really important thing to do when things are hard. I had to be taught how to reach out, to be vulnerable, to trust emotional and social safety nets. I had to learn how to process overwhelming feelings in a healthier way, had to learn how to do self-care, how to talk about my challenges in a more productive way, had to learn to build supportive relationships, etc.
This is all really obvious stuff, but it was all news to me (always a slow learner uggggghhh). Younger generations are so much smarter about everything, so much more emotionally sophisticated.
I'm so glad you messaged me. I'm so glad that you're being so brave, that you're getting up every day and deciding to stay on this earth with us. Nothing I say in my posts or tags is hyperbole or empty social platitudes; when I say you are LOVED, you are WANTED, you are NEEDED... I'm very, very serious. You are loved. You are wanted. You are needed. Living your truth is defiant activism and I salute you.
Sometimes, when really bad things happen, there's no silver lining. There just isn't. Sometimes the bad things are all bad; they take too much or they close off too many opportunities or extract too much potential and leave nothing but pain. Sometimes wisdom earned through hardship isn't worth it, the cost is too high. Sometimes suffering is not illuminating, sometimes wisdom gained from painful experiences isn't helpful, there's no wisdom or insight, just bruises and despair.
I used to believe differently, I used to look for the lesson in everything. It turns out that sometimes there's no lesson, sometimes there's only recovery. If you're lucky.
But. In a world where so many people are isolated and inadequately supported at work or at home and unprotected and undefended by their leaders, it is a powerfully important thing to be the kind of person who can say to someone else "I know what you're going though. I've been there and I see you, I'm here with you. I can't fix this but you're not alone."
I don't know what it's like to be you right now. Like, I can imagine what it's like, but I don't truly know. However, I do know it literally changed my life to hear those words from other people when I was at some of my lowest points. Until I joined a support group, I didn't know how transformative it would be to be validated, to be SEEN.
You are going through things right now that you shouldn't have to go through. You should be allowed to live a safe, happy life full of opportunities and resources and friends and family. You shouldn't have to justify your existence, you should just be allowed to have a life. But that's not where we're at in 2022 America. This moment in time is taking things from you: the time you spend fighting for basic human rights is time you could have spent doing so many other things, even though the battle for those rights is crucially important, necessary, and unavoidable. LGBTQIA+ fear and anxiety is like a usurious emotional interest rate levied for the benefit of self-serving, avaristic, hateful thugs. You shouldn't have to be afraid, you shouldn't have to keep explaining that you're a person, that you deserve love and friendship and solidarity. You shouldn't have to beg for your place at the table of humanity.
Someday, maybe soon, maybe later, you're going to be able to say to someone else "I know exactly how you feel, you're not alone, I've been there." This doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is, it's a big deal. In the meantime, you're doing the right thing by reaching out. This is a good time to gather safe people around you, to build an emotional safety net.
I don't know if you've read any of Robert Evans stuff but I'd encourage you to subscribe to his "It Could Happen Here" podcast and to follow him on Twitter. He's got really excellent insights about building mutual support and finding and supporting allies and he's a fierce defender of the LGBTQIA+ community. I think you should investigate Margaret Killjoy's work because she's a brilliant activist who specializes in practical empathy and pragmatic survival solutions. She understands how to weaponize vulnerability, a crucial activist perspective and strategy. You have specific insights because of your lived experiences that are powerfully important and helpful. Find people committed to building community and solidarity and who understand how to weaponize personal sorrows and vulnerabilities.
Things are going to get more dangerous. I wish I didn't have to say that, but I'm a mom, so I'm gonna say it. This is a time for going out of your comfort zone, it's time to think like an activist. I'd encourage you to seek out and surround yourself with people who are focused on results-based actions. There are a lot of different kinds of activism and activists, there's a lot of great ways of being involved. And you don't have to do ANYTHING you don't want to do. For instance: I refuse to do phone banking. I'll do text banking and I'll even do goddamm door-to-door canvassing (with accurately updated VAN lists; I don't do cold calls anymore, it's not safe) and I refuse to do fundraising of any kind. But I do a lot of things that I never, ever thought I could do. It's not always comfortable but I have the Mom Thing bigtime, so I'm ok with doing shitty or scary work if it means keeping my loved ones safer. It's important to be cautious about the kind of people who aren't looking to build coalitions, who are just looking for confrontations and fights. That's not activism, that's trolling IRL. There are immature or self-serving or toxic people everywhere, even in progressive organizations, so be smart and cautious and careful when getting involved in community activism. Look for open-hearted solidarity and protect your time and your energy. Tell your friends and family and even other activists that you need more from them if they aren't supporting you adequately. You're allowed to ask allies to step up, to tell them to get outside of THEIR comfort zones. You're allowed to say NO to stuff and to practice fierce self care, to protect yourself the way you'd defend a beloved friend. I'm an activist because it's a good way for me to navigate this goddamm world, but you have your own strengths and interests and abilities, your own way of being involved and looking for opportunities of service and connection and mutual solidarity. The main thing to remember is that you might feel alone, but you're not alone. There are so many people fighting for you, so many people who are so so glad you're here and you're YOU.
I want you to do something nice for yourself today, even if it's just something low key like buying weird or silly candy or a crazy flavor of ice cream, or asking a friend to sync up a dumb movie on Netflix and then talking on the phone while you make fun of it together, or going for a walk and smell newly bloomed hyacinths. Every single day, I want you to give yourself a little treat. Every. Day. Even if it's just a pair of sparkly sunglasses from the dollar store. Make sure you get enough genuinely beneficial, truly restorative sleep. Valerian root or Passionflower or Kava sometimes help if melatonin or Benadryl doesn't work on you. Listen to music that comforts you or feels soothing, just a little bit, every day. I'm an unreformable metalhead, even at this age, but I listen to pretty music at bedtime because it helps me sleep better. If the world isn't going to treat you right, isn't going to take care of you, then make sure that YOU are taking care of yourself. This sounds like Mom-nonsense, but you should do it anyway.
I'd love to hear what you chose for your treat today. Please reach out again. I'm going to be thinking about you and sending good vibes your way. You have allies. You're not alone. Being brave is hard and I'm proud of you. It's a better world because you're in it. This is the truth. It's a better world because of, and with, our LGBTQIA+ family. Hang in there my friend.
