#khalid post

[lighthouseharbor]

Sometimes I think about how when I was in foster care I made an "agreement" with my foster mom to do chores in exchange for $1.50 a week.

Vacuuming, dusting, my own laundry, the dishes, taking out the trash, sweeping, mopping, etc. majority oft he chores around the house tbh. I was like .. 9 at the time.

The chores were a lot all things considered for what the pay was and looking back i feel so bad for young me. You had no real understanding of the literal value of money and labor back.

But then I think about how my foster mother did and she really should have known better herself. Lady was damn near robbing me

[lighthouseharbor]

The Struggles

Text Excerpt from the Illustrated Graphic Novel of Everyday: "Today's a hard day. Some people think mental illness is a matter of mood, a matter of personality. They think depression is simply a form of being sad, that it's something that you have some choice over. I know how wrong this is. The body is working against you. And because of this, you feel even more despair. Which only amplifies the imbalance. It takes uncommon strength to live with these things. When I fall into the life of someone grappling, I have to mirror their strength, and sometimes surpass it, because I am less prepared. The girl today... her mind is an unquiet one, words and thoughts and impulses constantly crashing into each other. My own thoughts try to assert themselves within this noise. The body responds by breaking into a sweat. I try to remain calm, but the body conspires against that, tries to drown me in distortion."

This is a very accurate illustration of what it's like for Socii to deal with the Vessel's illnesses and Disorders. It feels like it's revolting against anyone who uses it and attacks them. It's like an autoimmune disease of the Mind and every Socii is affected in one way or another. The disorders become, even temporarily, our disorders while here.

Today I'm struggling a lot with the darker depths of MDD. I have this overwhelming urge to just ✨ Disappear ✨ without a trace. "no one will even notice you're gone"- the Vessel's Darkness whispers to me with its intrusive and dangerous thoughts

And the thing that sucks the most, is that Therapists and whoever else will say that you need a "Support Network", but what they don't tell you is how impossible that is to make or find. For *Years* now, Socii have tried to make join communities, make friends, but more often than not we're met with "You're just so negative and exhausting" or "you're always needing support but never give any" and I'm pulling my hair out trying to explain that the Vessel, and thusly The Socius using it, is in no position to give Support- as much as some would want to. It's not like we're intentionally trying to be assholes. We're just so incredibly lonely and isolated when using the Vessel and then it's problems compound and we feel even MORE isolated and alone because we have added Ear Wigs of the Vessel's Intrusive Thoughts reminding me that it's NOT Okay to reach out for help or to burden others with my problems. They're too much for others to handle and they'll end up hating you anyway, best to not engage.

The Vessel is disabled and currently not very stable with any disorders and no one has been able to make any kind of routine that is easy for a multitude of people to stick to. Not to mention things like the Wonky Blood Pressure that causes hiccups in those areas. We have no in-person support and barely any Online Support. No consistent therapist for the Vessel and we live in a dangerous area politically and otherwise.

I'm not asking for a savior, I'm asking for people to please be kind and patient with us and this Vessel. We are trying. We just have a lot of problems.

[lighthouseharbor]

Poverty Trauma

or whatever you want to call it, is a bitch and a half to deal with. Or at least the after affects I guess?

Body grew up in very bad poverty for majority of its life. And that was even before the 2008 recession. It sucks to talk about now because everyone is like "yeah we're all struggling you're not special" and I feel like they don't hear me when I say the Vessel comes from VERY Old No-Money. Like generation after generation of Poverty. Needing to dumpster dive for clothes. Couldn't even afford the thrift stores when they weren't ridiculously overpriced. Needed to eat cans of corn for dinner, and nothing else. Relying on food banks for basic needs like bread and milk and trying to stretch that for a month. Hell, the Vessel's Bio Mom grew up only have a "pair" of shoes (they were both for the left food only). Etc.

I'm not trying to make this into a competition, so much as I'm trying to explain the gravity and depths that the Poverty Trauma has impacted this vessel. We can't spend $6 on Fruit 2 days before the 1st of the month because we have a *very specific and precise* budget that we cannot afford to go over and the thought of spending any of Next Months Budget on the current month is enough to cause a full blown CPTSD Meltdown (and it did)

[lighthouseharbor]

The Hardest thing

when meeting, chatting and making friends with other Plurals is that it can sometimes be like pulling teeth to have them understand, not even accept, but just to understand, that Socii, those who use the Vessel, and the Hubspace we travel from, are not located within the brain/body.

It's the vast majority way that like 99% of other Plurals experience it, I'm sure. That's probably why System and Plural have become interchangeable despite the nuance because, for others, it doesn't matter. But for Socii, it does!

Imagine trying to explain your situation and experience to someone about your gender or sexual identity, and instead of trying to learn and listen, the other person just kept saying "Oh, that just sounds like Being Straight with Extra steps" or something to that degree. Like "Oh Bisexuality can also be seen as being straight!" Or, even more fitting, "Asexuality doesn't exist!" And you're just sitting there like (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

What's more is, more often than not, Socii are told they "drop hot takes" and just "lore drop about your system" when *literally* just trying to get people to use the correct terminology. Sometimes, it feels like people are willfully spiteful and use the incorrect terms regardless because they think we're just being "special" or something. Right. As if sharing our experiences have ever led to anything great. >.>

[lighthouseharbor]

Thanks, Doc

Due to... honestly a lot of factors... The vessel has been having a greater problem with insomnia than it usually has. Typically, the only ones who struggle with insomnia are the folk who have problems with it themselves. It's usually rare the vessel has it in general, but also it's been having strange blood pressure lately too so who knows ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯

I'm mad tho cuz like there are some insomnia pills here; some zolpidem or something like that. It hits *fast* but, for some, it doesn't work all throughout the night. Poor Jupiter during his time here, found himself waking up almost 4 hours later. But also, he's a *Voyager* and "wet" people term to have an even funkier time using the vessel compared to us Grove Travelers. And like, the other thing with the med, is that it's not exactly safe to take more than like 2-3 days of the week? And considering how messed up the routine and sleep schedule is for the vessels, I'm not even sure when the week is over? 😂 Like I barely remembered today was Thursday lmao

[lighthouseharbor]

The Last Few Days

Have both gone the way I planned and yet not at all.

With the trip coming up soon I've been meaning to spend a lot of time studying Japanese while I'm here, but unfortunately my Cousin, Kyouya, is having a bitch of a time both with his own problems and the Vessel's. I don't want to go too much into his stuff, that's his business, but I did want to say that it makes for a difficult time when you're trying to relax and play games but practical strangers from the Vessels' distant past decide they want to drag up basically *everything* from the last 20 years or so. Only to then follow that up with a crap ton of gaslighting on the Partner Vessel's end because this Stranger that New the Vessel from that long ago thinks shes an expert in how it's Childhood was 🙄

In other news, I managed to get back into stream again. More or less. Im trying to start an Assassin's Creed Chronological Playthrough of every game they have out so far. Which means I'm starting in 400BCE with Alexios in Odyssey which is rad. Not looking forward to Valhalla when I get there, but that won't be for a while. After Odyssey is Origins and then Mirage, so I've got a few months 😂 I'm planning on only playing through the main story and relevant DLC every Tuesday or so? Then Im also wanting to start over the Nonary Games as well as play through FE:3H but I haven't decided which days to do those on just yet. I'm still trying to generally ease back into stream. The last thing I want to do is dig myself back into the hole of "I need to do X, Y, Z to be a GOOD streamer!" When in actuality, I just got a show up and play some games and enjoy chatting with people. That's all this was ever supposed to be about in the first place. Reclaiming the love of video games.

But I got distracted. This was supposed to be a post about how I've been meaning to like actually do things responsibly; like exercise, eat properly, stream, study, journal, etc. But because of the BS with people and things, I haven't been able to do *any* of that. Well, okay part of it is also because the Vessel has been having low Blood Pressure issues lately and we've been needing to take it slow, but still. I need to buckle down and study more before the trip next month >.>;

[lighthouseharbor]

dealing with the vessels low blood pressure has been a pain in the ass but not nearly as much as the lack of appetite and near inability to consume food =_=