#kibbys therapy

[kibbychan]

i would really love a day where i didn't feel anxious or anyone was around me to make me anxious, and my brain could just relax, and i did nothing, and everything was alright

[kibbychan]

being on social media with rsd is exhausting good lord, like how do you convince yourself the whole internet doesnt hate you for whatever reason

[kibbychan]

i can't help but feel envious of people who have friends or partners that are actively posting online, its extremely petty, but i cant help but feel that way given past experiences

i tried really hard to make friends online, but it felt like actually talking to people went nowhere, that was till i met someone that was really into me, we even briefly dated for a time. that is until my parents ended up finding out that she is trans, and ended up being really clear that they would not support me if i had any other queer relationships.

i basically made it a vow not to interact with others in general in a way that made us get to become friends after that, because i wouldnt wanna get in a relationship with people that i really love that could get me excommunicated from people i really love and considering how hard it was to communicate to other anyway i thought id be really easy to do,

but at this point its not. because now i feel lonely as shit knowing that there really isnt much consistent sources of validation that i have in my life, and self love is already so difficult, so when i see people that dont have to deal with those issues, that are free and happy to be with whoever they wish and love them so openly, and are definitely really well together in private. it hurts ngl, even when i know its my fault for being like this

[kibbychan]

I never felt attached to my gender. I was born a man, and am comfortable being a man, but i never felt attached to my gender like alot of other people were, or felt like a man really. alot of this was because of my parents and probably society at large making sure that i felt like a man by forcing these assumptions onto. "you have to do this as a man", "you can't do this as a man", "men do this" etc, and as such i slowly felt estranged from being a man, because why be a man if i couldnt be myself or can't wear dresses or be a good person. but as i searched it didn't feel right to be anything else really. i can't comprehend being a women, ive tried being nonbinary, but it didn't feel right. it feels weird but even if i dont feel like being a man feels "right", i still feel like being a man is part of my identity. thats why im more comfortable saying im boyflux right now, because somedays i can say confidentally im a man, while other days im not sure and am more comfortable being nonbinary. I'm sure theres more to discover with gender but at this stage in my life thats how i feel. My only hope is that irl and online im more known for who i am than my gender or what ideas that may bring

[kibbychan]

Recently I've been realising that while I don't overtly age regress and act like an age regresor, i definetly do feel subconciously regress

my emotions are very childlike, with childish responses especially with negative emotions

of course im mostly still into childish interests

and in alot of ways i do wanna still feel and act like a teen or even a kid at times, and in alot of ways i wanna treated like one too

thing is though i mostly keep this inside me and absolutely no idea how to express that, cause like all things i've been suppressing things for so long that i have no idea to express things, especially when i know others will judge

[kibbychan]

new tag alert!!

hi everyone!! theres a new tag incase you do or dont wanna see my mental health related posts, its called #kibbys therapy!! ill be doing all my vents there so please feel to block if it gets triggering. ill also be putting past posts under this tag thank you!!

[kibbychan]

we got to talk about rsd more.

for those who dont know, rsd, or rejection sensitive dysphoria is a neurodivergent symptom, in which any sense of perceived criticism can cause overwhelming negative thoughts and emotions. key word is perceived, because neurodivergent people can't perceive alot of social cues, it often happens completely unintentionally. so most of the time, it isn't really anyones fault, but really, what i wanna talk about is just how visceral and unexpected it can all feel.

i knew i had it for a while, but last year really was the year in which i felt it the most frequently. and in so many different areas too. friends talk to other people? they must be tired of me and i shouldn't disturb them. i get less likes on a post than i was expecting? that means that the world hates me and i need to retreat. made a comment that made someone feel negatively? oh god they must hate me, they shouldnt have to put up with me. that kind of thinking is everywhere with rsd, and its caused me to retreat socially in alot of cases. and the feeling of pain doesn't go away, it sticks with you for hours and possibly days. and beyond the short term affects, long term its also damaging, i've definitely become a people pleasure thanks to rsd, making sure to keep my feelings inside to not cause conflict.

i think the worst moment i had with rsd last year though was something in which, I was the problem. I was working with some people on a project, and working long hours on this project really made me tired mentally. but beyond that i was someone who was neurodivergent and had trouble communicating and understanding people. so what happened was there were moments where i needed help understanding completely or just had to speak up for myself, maybe even curious about how things worked, and i was repeatedly shut down, alot of the times yelled at for needing that extra help and understanding. and because i wanted the project to succeed and i didn't want people to have any further issues, i just followed along and left all of my feelings inside. it made people less emotional for sure and made the project succeed, but it left me emotionally fucked up. i felt like reaching out to others would hurt me rather than help me. it made me never wanna work with anyone ever again in fear that i could hurt them.

and i don't blame anyone for being mad at me really! people have their own issues outside of talking and working, and it just comes out. but dammit, i just wish people could be kinder and be more understanding when i fuck up. so if you know someone who is neurodivergent. please give them grace when they mess up. i mean you should in general, but for neurodivergent people it can feel like the end of the world. and for neurodivergent people, please be kind to yourself, its hard to exist let alone thrive, and every day is always going to present a struggle socially. just know that it really isn't your fault, things are just hard.

[kibbychan]

feeling pretty behind on life and isolated from everyone else