“CAN I AT LEAST GRAB MY HEADPHONES, UGH”
KIDNAPPED BY DUMPSTER SHOWDOWN CAPTAINS: KUROO & DAICHI
[real authors note: a crackfic from yours truly. I’m so fucking sorry. No one send this to my therapist because she will actually be worried.]
a/n: oh em gee hey hi hello!!! Feeling blessed that i can write for the whorehouse server collab!!!!!!!!!! I thought i wouldnt post in time because of all of the trauma ive been going thru but we made it! *plays drake music cutely* anywaiiiiz here ya go!!
Warnings! Dont be a pussy, get kidnapped its sexy! Lol hahaha and tw drugs, tw penis (only two for like 5 seconds) so like lime or something less citrus
wc: 2.1k!!!!!
Songs to listen to when reading this: Teen Idle by the QUEEN herself marina and the diamonds, all around me by flyleaf (dw theyre christian), and mgmt kids!!!!
A great poet once said “Got 56 a gram, 5 a hundred grams though, man I swear I love her how she work that damn pole” and that poet, mister fettison wapersons the third said it with his whole left nut. So im out here hustling the pole.
And by pole i mean working at the local 7/11.
I guess i should introduce myself hehe, my name is (y/n) (l/n) and my hobbies include singing (im not that good thought bc im nervous), smoking darts outside my job because i have a nicotine addiction that makes me mysterious and sexy but in a broken girl kind of way, and reading. Im queer coded but in a way that appeals to compulsory hetereonormativity, and if you relate to me you will come oout within the next five years. Its just like astrology!!!
Anyways, there i am. Smoking a ciggy outside of my shitty, convience store job. I am stocking the new mmonster energy drinks into our stock fridge (theyre watermelon!!! (a/n: my fav flavor btw!!!!!!!)), when i feel a text message coming through on my new samsung flip.
ebony_dementia_raven_way: heyyyyy bbycakes ill pick u up aft3r werk so we can get dranky n partee!!
its-yn-not-yeen: ohmygosh fawk ya!!!!! Ill steal some ciggies from my werk fro us!!!!
That’s my best friend. Shes emo as heck. We’re such opposites but it works, me being like hot in a conventional lowkey way and her being emo.
My shift ends soon and we always like to get drunk and party with older college guys that she knows on the wekeknds.
“Hey kitten, can you cash me out?” i hear a mans deep voice behind me. It sounds so deep i can feel it in my girly parts.
I whip my head around, my long generic hair wafting the scent of my perfume around the aisle. I lock eyes with a tall man, he has black hair, deep indigusishable eyes, and his gives me the aura of a cat who eats mice outside the back of my store. Hes fucking hot though. In a greasy rich kid way.
“Ugh, fine i guess.” i get up from where im stocking the shelves and even decide to be nice enough to take out my headphones (a/ns: i forgot to mention the reader is wearing headphones and listening to paramore!!!!!) I would die without my music. other people just dont understand how much i love music. they dont get how its saved me.
I pass him, and hes smiling at me. What a fucking weirdo. In a hot way.
I walk towards the cash, and in a sudden movement another man comes running from the parallel aisle with a chloroform rag. I yell lightly, but not in anyway loud enough to garner any attention, let alone from my boss who is most deinifitely railing lines of coke in the bathroom.
“STOP IT” I ccatch the reflection of the man whose drugging me in the mirror next to the hot fritos that go on sale every sunday. Hes a big man, strong, giving me total daddy vibes but not in a weird way like in a sexy way like i read on fanfiction dot net. He also has dark hair and eyes.
“Great work, lets get her in the car,” the cat man comes into view and oh my god? Hes part of this? I have both tall,dark, and handsome men tying me in ropes and shuttling me out of my store.
They move me in the parking lot. I can hear them whispering “calm down” and ‘dont worry” but all i can see is my best friend Ebony’s car!! I start yelling but its muffled against the rag still. She looks up and waves, pointing to her cigarette, which is her tell tale ‘wait-a-min-im-puffing’ look. I get it, i would do the same.
The unnamed sexy men start shoving me into a red kia soul.
I cant believe im getting kidnapped in a kia soul! This is so fucked. Poor people are kidnapping me??? I dont even warrant a rich mans affections?
The chloroform finally kicks in conveniently so long after they initially drugged me and everything fades to black. I suddenly feel like annabeth in percy jackson, when she like gets beat up a little, which im almost ashamed to admit is kinda hot.
SOME TIME LATER
I wake up grogily tied to a chair in a huge fancy modernist condo. I suddenly feel underdressed in my vintage seven eleven uniform (my boss hates that i dont wear the right one but craig, fashion is fashion, plus the hot harry potter looking guy from starbucks says its sick!! And i trust british ppl mate xx), and a black tennis skirt, with my cool converse. I wear converse because its a lifestyle not because im edgy.
Anyways! Im sexy! Im groggy! Im confused, its a whole moment. I catch myself in the mirror and realize my mascara has smudged giving me a smokey eye look, but other than that im wearing no makeup. My skin is clear.
“Oh good, youre awake. We were starting to worry,” the tall man says, this is the one who chlorofrmed me, not the sexy man who called me kitten. However, kitten man is beside him.
“WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU GUYS? WHY AM I HERE? WAHT DO YOU WANT WITH ME?” i yell. Once again, not too loud, because yelling isnt that sexy.
“I am daichi sawamura and the skinny man who looks liek a douche is my friend kuroo tetsurou,” i laugh at him calling the other man a douche, “we dont mean to scare you hun, we just needed a moment of your time.
“wHAT DO YOU MEAN? ALSO WHERE ARE MY HEADPHONES? I CANT COPE WITHOUT LISTENING TO MARINA AND THE DIAMONDS, UGH” i cant find my phone or my cute skullcandy headphones. This should be classified as a war crime.
The cat man cuts in, holding up my phone and headphones.
“We will give you back your music, if you stay with us. This is going to sound crazy, ou are being hunted by the government because they inputted a chip in your brain when you were a baby,” my head spun from the information overload, i suddenly remember my dads best friend barack obama telling me i was important to the world, “and that chip falling into the wrong hands can kill the world as we know it. We have been tasked to save you. We have been tailing you for weeks and-” 0.O
“By the way, you havent been home in a few weeks, you only go to the 7/11 or to your friends place, thats fucking weird,” Daichi says, shrugging. His shoulders are filled in and muscular, and i had a sudden thought about licking his pecs that i shook off.
“ANYWAYS, we need to protect you. So were here. Do you promise not to run away or yell? We’ll give you back your phone and headphones?” Kuroo finishes and i think about his body being so lean and scrumptious.
“Yeah of course!” i bat my lashes. Im lying through my teeth. My perfect pearly white teeth. I can afford a dentist.
They swiftly untie me and give me my headphones and im quick to start playing skye sweetnam. I send Ebony and my other friend Princess Mia of Genovia a quick SOS text. Im not dumb, theyll save me.
theyre the
I sit down with them and they begin to go in depth with the whole problem. Kuroo explains that theyre part of a program that protects us Chipped Gals, as he’s calling it. Daichi explains that hes the muscle of the operation, which makes sense because he has muscle. Im not usually into the whole jersey shore meathead thing, but he makes it work. Whereas kuroo, now that hes no longer greasy from the 7/11, looks like a frat boy who got lost in london for a bit, so hes hot ya know? Im not even listening to them talk about how my life is in peril, and i dont even consider how convenient the whole thing sounds. I trust them, theyre hot. Hot people are legally nto allowed to lie, everyone knows this, its the first rule from the bible - legally blonde 2.
They put on music to continue their confversation. Its three days grace. I thnk theyre kind of cool, but i dont want to admit it. They even talk about their likes and dislikes, which is only volleyball. In fact i dont even think they have other personality points other than, FBI, Volleyball, being hot, and liking everything i like. Perfect, just how i like my men -- useless hot vapid voids. xD
“Let’s make dinner, you’ve had a long day love,” daichi says. And all of a sudden im starving.
NIGHT TIME NOW (TIME PASSED. LIKE TWO THREE HOURS)
“So where can i sleep?” I ask, yawning. We had a luxurious dinner of italian food that could be from olive garden i guess. They walk me to a room at the back of the condo. There is a huge bed, like a california xl king bed in the corner. Its heart shaped. There is mood lighting, and the bed is vibrating for soem reason. Must be for massages.
“That’s the problem babe,” kuroo starts and winks, “theres only one bed.”
“We hope thats okay,” Daichi says, lifting up his shift.
It;ll be hard to escape sleeping in the same bed, but im sure it’ll work out.
I nod and begin to take off my 7/11 shirt. All of a sudden i realize im undressing in front of them.
They’re licking their lips. I realize theyre both half naked. Daichi reminds me of a greek god, all strong and big, and kuroo is like a smaller greek god or something because hes skintier.
I drool a little at the sight. [ANS: ME FUCKING TWO1!!! IM FUCKING WHET!]
None of us are speaking, but words dont need to be exchanged. We all begin to undress quietly. Theyre looking at me like prey, and i feel like a small animal being led to the slaughter. If the slaughter was getting railed by strong men.
They both unzip their pants, pulling them completely off, showing their equally large juicy members. Now im drooling for real.
Im standing shyly in just my underwear and bra, which are froot of the loom, and cover my body with my hands. What if they dont want me?
“You’re so fucking hot, isnt she kuroo?” daichi says. Kuroo nods excitedly like acat whose found cat nip or whatever cats like to eat.
“This is so wrong, our boss, the director of the FBI old man ikkei ukai will kill us if we mess around with you,,,, but you’re everything we dream about. I feel like ive waited my whole life for you,” Kuroo says, and daichi begins to advance towards me.
it is then i decide: if i want to escape these men, the best way is to fuck them senseless. It always works. I wont catch feelings. Plus i havent had some in awhile.
Im going to fuck my kidnappers.
TO BE CONTINUEEEEEEEED
A/NS: wow that took a lot out of me!!! Theyre so smexxy,,,h ope u guys enjoyed it! If not ill glomp you xD im not sure when ill update since im giving birth lyke tmrw (its a boy!!!) but you’ll be the first to know.
Ang3l: ur lying ur not pregnant ur 14
mEEEKee: youre busy because youre going to soccer camp omfg liar!!!!!
Me: you guys are the worst hahaaha u caught me!!!
y/n: will i get pregnant??????? :3
all of us: probably!!!
Okay!!! ttyl!!pls, like, comment + follow
also this is what youre wearing for this chapter!!!
like hot working class chic.
