#kik reports

[valentine-leclair]

humans are space orks: need to TOUCH

I just wanna say: No real judgment to humans, ya know, I love em.

But godDAMN are you DISGUSTING.

You guys just love getting your germs everywhere. I'm hanging out with Sammy, and they are just putting their hands on everything they see. On metal tube bars while going down stairs. On the wall while passing by. On another human's pet domesticated animal!

I decided I had to come deliver the news to you all. Humans LOVE touching things. Everything. They love spreading their 𝘨𝘦𝘳𝘮𝘴 everywhere.

And I mean it when I say everything! I said to Zach, I said, "Don't touch that pipe yet, it's still steaming."

And you know what he does?

HE TOUCHES IT.

Don't worry, I'm not a heartless monster. I put ointment on his burn and uttered affirmational statements. But I also said that I told him so the entire time. Just... so stupid.

So yeah, just wanted to let you guys know that if you ever get a pet human to apply mittens onto their hands. They might try to resist; not to worry. Duck tape is a great aid.

[valentine-leclair]

humans are space orks: mini humans

And not the alive kind.

Put yourself in my shoes for but a moment, my dear reader. You are walking into your human friend's humble abode. Everything is normal. And then BAM, they take out their miniature plastic version of them from their closet full of other miniature plastic humans.

And I admit my retelling may be a LITTLE dramatic but not by much. I don't know how I didn't find out about this sooner. I came with the news as soon as I could guys!!

There was even some in depth research involved. Humans really like making things that look like them, and it's called dolls. Clay, straw, plastic, glass, you name it. It's kinda self-absorbed ANYWAY it's also really weird. Who would want to stare at that? It's... you. There's nothing special about it.

No offense to any humans reading. Unless you own a doll, in whic case I consider you weird.

(And thank you for the comment you left @autisms-georg-silly, you can have fifty three percent of the credit)

[valentine-leclair]

humans are space orks: the tooth fairy

Dear Humans: Why are you like this?

Sweet, six year old Eleanor has just informed me that she lost her second tooth ever. I then asked if she was okay, and she said yes, so then I asked her "why are losing your teeth, then?", and she answered with, "Because I'm a big girl now".

I think I'm going to need further explanation, but.

Anyway.

Then she told me that the tooth fairy was going to come tonight. This was almost more concerning than the first statement. Eleanor says that she's going to put her tooth under her pillow, and when she wakes up in the morning she'll have received money and her tooth will be gone. Because the tooth fairy will have taken it.

I was like, "Pshh, 𝘴𝘶𝘶𝘶𝘶𝘶𝘳𝘦". Then the next morning, when she showed me the absence of her tooth and the presence of five dollars, I was more like, "Um, what the fudging fudgers, that's concerning".

Who is the tooth fairy? Where did she come from? Why does she want your teeth? WHAT DOES SHE DO WITH THEM??

Insincerely and Confusedly Yours,

Kik