Summary: Questions. Life is filled with questions. Well, if you'll say it like that. Death is also filled with questions. Questions he's afraid to ask and questions you already know the answer.
Trigger Warning: Mention of death | The rest under the cut
Word Count: 1.3 k
A/N:
This is a rewritten au. I found the second part on my notes and decided to make it one fic. No more series for me until I finished The Wedding Planner, The Set Up and Tomorrows With You.
My first au for Kim Hanbin, my star.
Staring at the burning cigarette between your index and middle finger, you brought it to your mouth with enough courage.
You are outside a convenience store, the one you always frequent.
Holding the cancer stick between your lips, you tried to inhale the smoke, only to cough it out.
What are you doing?
Throwing it on the ground, stomping your feet on it, making sure you put it out. You are about to get it from the ground to properly discard it in the trash can when someone also reached for it.
What is he doing here?
You stared at Hanbin, slowly getting up. “I didn’t know you smoke?”, he commented, grinning at you then throw the cigarette in the trash can.
“Yeah,” you muttered. He nodded at you then he smiles. He’s been generous with his smile since last night, something you’re not been doing since, well, you cut off the people who cared for you.
Averting your gaze from him, you get the pack of cigarettes from your pocket, throwing it just before he can get one himself. He seemed amused with what you did and it frustrated you when his dimples made their appearance with his stupid smile.
“Why are you here?”, you can’t help but ask him this question. “You are not there when I woke up,” he explained like it’s a normal thing to say. Like waking up next to him is a normal occurrence in your everyday life.
You sigh, “Okay. Let’s go back,” you ordered him to which he answered with a grin and a hand salute. His hand reaches for your hand, fingers filling the spaces between yours.
You bit your lower lip, stopping yourself from smiling. Thank God you are behind him, he can’t see the way he affects you with the simple touch.
What the fuck you are doing?
What the fuck is Hanbin doing?
Last night, last night was different. The sound of raindrops filled your quiet home. As you lay on your bed, the lightning once in a while illuminating your darkroom. You’ve thought maybe this is peace until it was interrupted by the doorbell then a desperate knock.
You knew it the moment you opened the door, the body in front of you shivering from being wet. You saw it in his eyes. He’s searching for answers to questions he can’t even utter, questions only you can answer. He opens his mouth, only to close it when he didn’t find the right words to say as if his situation is not enough for you to let him in.
You open your door completely to silently invite him in. He didn’t budge, looking at his feet, contemplating.
Bitting your lower lip nervously, giving your pale face a color.
He looks at you again, inhaling deeply, “Love me,” he asked.
Love me. Hanbin, the man you’re in love with since forever asks you to love him.
You’ve been waiting for this, waiting for the time he finally sees you as more than a friend, and yet, you know it’s different. The love he’s begging is different from the one you’re already giving.
“I-“ you trailed off, looking at anything but him, ready to reject whatever he’s offering.
He desperately holds your face in his cold hands, making you look at him. Foreheads touching, eyes locking, he asks you once more.
“Love me, Y/N.”
You’ll never beg for love.
Hanbin didn’t wait for your answer as his lips met yours. His lips tasted nothing but vanilla. He’s not drunk, you thought.
Your rationality is thrown out at the window as you close your eyes. His hands traveled down from your cheeks to your neck as he deepens the kiss. Hanbin gently pushed you backward with his hand on your back while he closes the door with his other hand.
You knew it the moment you tasted his eager lips.
It didn’t occur to you how well he knows this house until Hanbin gently pushed you back on your bed. Breaking the heated kiss, he stares at you with intensity. With labored breathing, you stare back at him.
He slowly takes off his wet shirt. You gulp at the sight in front of you. Hanbin, your best friend, the man you’re hopelessly in love with, will make love to you if you let him.
It still wasn’t clear if you’re dreaming this moment.
His frame leaning above your body, caging you with both of his arms. And maybe you’re dreaming as you once again felt his lips against yours. Giving in, your body melting with his.
Later that night, when he hugs you closer to him, I love you was said in between his soft breathing, mumbling the words against your skin.
Your heart started pounding against your chest, a tear escaping from your eye. Letting it run down since your best friend is sleeping peacefully beside you.
You’ll never beg for love.
But this night it’s different.
You abruptly retract your hand from his hold. Thankfully, you have an excuse, you are both near your apartment. You walk faster than him this time, afraid of seeing his facial expression now. You hurriedly put your passcode, too fast for him to be suspicious.
He watches your back and before he can walk in, the door closed in front of him.
It’s too late to change anything.
You are getting more anxious every second you spent just standing there, alone. While he calmly opened the door again, your back facing him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked you, worry in his voice.
You inhale deeply to calm your racing heart. You turned around to face him with a big smile, “Nothing,” you lied. He slowly walks towards you, “Are you sure?”, he asked you again, looking at your eyes.
“It’s nothing,” you replied, you are looking anywhere but him. Still, he embraces you, holding you in his arms, “Okay,” he accepted your answer this time, kissing your forehead.
I still have time, right?
Since last night, he can’t seem to let go of your hand, constantly reaching out for it. Like tonight, as you now both lay on your bed.
“You know I’m dying right?” the question he can’t ask came out from your mouth, looking beside you.
His hold from your hand loosens, head-turning in your direction. His small eyes widen, sleepiness has gone from your question. You chuckled as you look at the ceiling again, swallowing the lump on your throat.
One more second of staring at his surprise face, you’ll cry, this time with him seeing so you averted your eyes away from him.
“You know this will end right?” whispering the words, reminding Hanbin the end of your story.
From your peripheral view, you saw him nodding, still looking at you.
You plastered a smile on your face before facing him, “You know, Hanbin, I,” you inhale and exhale deeply, keeping the tears at bay, “I wish for this. You know how much I wanted to be beside you. You know how much I waited for this,” saying your thoughts out loud.
Your hold tightens around his hand this time, “So why now? Why now you decided to look at me,” your other hand wiping away the tears from his cheeks.
“Why now after all these times, Hanbin?” your own tears falling. He hugs you closer, enveloping you with his warmth. He holds the back of your head as you lean against his chest. “Why now Hanbin?” you asked between sobs.
“It’s unfair,” you whisper, “for the both of us.”
“I didn’t ask for you to love me. I didn’t ask for anything when you kissed me,” you confessed.
When will be the right time to tell him these?
“I’m just here to fill the spaces but I won’t be anymore,” and he knows that.
Happy birthday Hanbin!!! He’s an amazing rapper and and amazing human being who deserves all the love and support humanity can give 💙 He’s just amazing 💙 I hope he has an amazing day and that he receieves a lot of love and support 💙
You already know how this works, send me an ask with an scenario with him and the time you want and I’ll be writting a timestamp story for you 💙 💙
In case you want to request but you cannot come up with a good idea here’s a list of Birthday prompts you can check and get some inspiration 💙
hi hun! don’t know if you’re taking requests now but if you are can i get some angst/fluff with kim hanbin. is missing him hours :((
Of course!!! I miss him too and I literally binge-watched iKON TV yesterday just because I missed my boys. I’m in a fluffy mood right now and tbh, we all need the fluff. In this one, I made you an idol, if you didn’t mind.
Sitting on his bed, Hanbin played a simple game on his phone to distract him from everything that’s going on. There were many times he contemplated whether or not he should call his members, or you, but didn’t in the fear of bringing you into the mess as well. You, on the other hand, have been busy with your schedules but was never busy enough to not visit him or call him. The opening and closing of his family’s apartment door made him look towards his bedroom door. The playful yells of his little sister accompanied by another voice made his heart swell. Hanbyul quickly ran to his bedroom after hastily taking off her shoes. Your giggle and shouting of be careful made the little girl giggle as well and she pushed open her brother’s door.
“Oppa! Y/N-unnie picked me up from school today!” Her voice made Hanbin smile and soon enough, your figure appeared at the door way carrying a bag.
“We went to grab some ice cream and got you some chocolate and choco cone from the store down the street,” you said. His 2 girls sat on the bed with him and he placed an arm around the two of you.
Hanbyul helped by grabbing the choco cone and opening it for him while Hanbin took the time to look at you with loving eyes.
“Thank you,” he softly mumbled. You wrapped your arms around his torso to prevent yourself from bursting into tears.
You knew that he didn’t just mean the ice cream. He meant about everything. You’ve been there for him since that day, you were there to hug him in his sleep when he couldn’t close his eyes without seeing his mother’s disappointed eyes.
You were there for it all.
“Here! I opened it!” Hanbyul cheerfully declared and her brother accepted it gratefully.
“Wah, Hanbyul-ah. You finally did it! Good job!” Hanbin praised the little girl and you bit back a grin. Whenever times were rough, Hanbyul always made Hanbin smile. No matter the situation.
Hanbyul went back to his side and wrapped herself in his arms as she started telling the story about the boy in her class who she helped because the older kids were pushing him around. She was so immersed into the story that she didn’t notice Hanbin’s eyes welling up with tears and you softly wiping them away.
He pressed a kiss on her head and one on yours. His hand found yours and laced them together while you gave it a gentle squeeze to let him know he was alright and safe.
Even when the world was crumbling around him, it was these little moments that lets him know everything will be okay in the end.
Hi! I know you’re mostly a nsfw blog but I was wondering if I could get something more on the fluffy side with Hanbin? I’m missing him a little extra today.. love your writing xx
it’s always okay to request things outside of nsfw content. just know he misses you as well love, try to keep your head up and stay strong for him. thank you so much!
you propped yourself up on your elbows as you watched him sleep. it was almost noon and you were bored. his eyelashes fluttered and his lips slightly fell open as he breathed out. you purposely kept trying to make noises to wake him up. coughing, sighing, sneezing, anything you could think of. every time he moved a bit, you quickly laid back down to pretend you were sleep. he just wasn’t ready to get up and that realization made you upset. you sat up fully and sat with your legs crossed. you sighed again as you contemplated what to do. before you could jump on him like you decided, he popped up and attacked you with a hug. you screamed, completely terrified of his random outburst. he straddled your waist as he looked down at your scared expression. you playfully smacked his arm as you pouted, telling him that he scared you. he rolled his eyes before pecking your forehead. he said you’ve been trying to wake him up for a while and now that he’s up it’s a problem? a soft frown danced across his lips. you quickly shook your head no and tried to sit up. his weight was too much on you though so you struggled and he laughed at you. you shot him a glare as he crawled off of you. he grabbed the back of your head and pulled you forward to connect your lips in a quick kiss. you smiled against his lips, feeling proud that you were able to wake him up. he pulled away and looked at you with a blank expression for a second. you asked him what was wrong and he threw himself backwards ‘falling asleep again’. you stood up on the bed and jumped. his body was flailing around. you continued to jump until he fell off the bed. he let out a hiss when he hit the ground. you jumped back down to a sitting position before asking if he was awake yet,,
Summary: When you showed Hanbin everything you got, he loathed you... Not only are you the best, but because he’s undeniably attracted to you.
A/N: OKAY, you guys, don’t do that old trick wherein you’re being mean to the one you like bc that is not nice, okay? Don’t be like Hanbin in this fic (lol what a disclaimer) but ANYWAY ENJOY THIS BLURB
Also so so so late but HAPPY BIRTHDAY HANBIN YO THE BEST MAN I WUV YOU DUDe (it so many weeks late yay ANYW)
I’m back and not sick anymore let me make it up hajshajhaj
“Y/N!” Hearing Jaewon’s calls to you, you turn around and face him. Jaewon had been one of the best companion of yours throughout your training, and you are delighted that finally, he had reached his dreams of debuting.
“Hey! Can you sign my album?” You teased him with a cheeky smile, making him a blushing mess.
“Shut up!” He messes your hair. “Anyway, did you hear the latest?”
“I’ve been stuck in the dungeon, so I guess I haven’t,” you try to poke fun at the dark reality of your fate as a rapper in this agency. “What is it?”
“Hanbin’s getting a solo debut after Bobby’s,” Jaewon crosses his arms. “I heard the president’s already listing trainees who can potentially feature in one of his songs.”
You sure can wish that you might be the one to be chosen, since it is an opportunity you will never ever pass. Although you know Sua has a bigger chance of being the featured artist, as she has more exposure than you, you cling on the sliver of hope. But then again, before hope was handed to you, it had already been taken away.
By Kim Hanbin himself.
“Well, congrats to that person, then,” you snort as you rush back to the training room.
“Hey, hey! What’s with the negativity?” Jaewon follows you, curious about your sudden displeasure.
“Hanbin hates me, dude,” you remind him in case he had forgotten.
“He doesn’t hate you!” Jaewon objects to your statement.
“He does,” you retort. “If rejecting everything I’ve written for their team isn’t enough, then what more proof am I still looking for?”
“Look, I’m sure Hanbin doesn’t hate you. Maybe you just got off the wrong foot?” Jaewon justifies Hanbin’s odd behavior towards you. You’ve tried to observe him when he interacts with your fellow same-aged friends Hayi and Jennie, but he treats them quite well and have no intention between each other.
“I sure do hope so,”
“Hey, congratulations!” Sua greets you quite energetically so early in the morning. “President chose you to feature in Hanbin oppa’s song.”
And you die a little inside.
When you finally receive the memo, you reluctantly enter the studio Hanbin usually works at, a.k.a his territory.
“Excuse me,” you sneak your head in a little, seeing the other six members of iKON writing intensely. When they see your face, they let out a sigh of relief.
“Y/N, what are you doing here?” Jinhwan is the first to ask.
“Oh, I got this,” you show them the memo that gratifies your feature in Hanbin’s solo album. “Where’s Hanbin sunbae?”
“He went to the restroom,” Bobby responds. “Just a heads up, Y/N, he’s not in a good mood.”
“When was he in a good mood?” You snort out impulsively, earning low chuckles from the others.
“Oh yeah,” and when you hear the nasal voice from behind you, you know you are thoroughly fucked.
And not in a good way... Not at all.
Hanbin takes his place on the office chair, scrutinizing you with his taunting looks. He looks ultimately sleepless, and you keep yourself from telling him to go to sleep first. He turns back to his computer, ignoring your existence.
“Why did it have to be you?”
Okay, rude. Don’t sleep then.
“Hanbin, where are your manners?” Yunhyeong reprimands like a mother.
“Where is hers?” Hanbin speaks without looking at you.
“Okay!” Bobby jumps up this time, intervening before you tell Hanbin something you might later on regret. “We’ll leave you two to maybe... warm up with each other, okay?” The male nods energetically, urging you to be the bigger person.
“Don’t kill each other,” Junhoe cackles before the last of them leaves the room.
And now, you’re stuck with tiger Kim Hanbin.
You sit down on the couch, waiting for Hanbin to finish whatever it is that he is doing. You patiently bob your head along to the music coming out of the speakers. After all, his perfection takes time.
But two hours in and he hasn’t even looked at you once.
You take the whole ‘him being superior than you’ thing, but you’ve gotten enough of this treatment.
“Uh, sunbae,” you clear your throat, making him turn around with that same scary look on his face. “What are we writing?”
“Nothing,” he puts you down as quickly as you had asked. “I’ve already gotten everything written down. All you have to do is to rap.”
And your mouth opens, aghast at his reply. You are here for a reason... and that is to cooperate with Hanbin in creating the song. Together.
How can you feature without familiarizing yourself with the work?
You stand up despite feeling small under his hard eyes.
“With all due respect, sunbae,” you emphasize the word that makes him the higher one in the hierarchy, but you know you’re about to lash out on him without any ounce of respect. “I am not about to suffer this maltreatment you are handing me. I am here to be featured in a song that I should help write. If I’m going to be continued treated this way,” you tear the memo you have received in half, making his eyes grow wider. “Look for someone else.”
You stomp out of the recording studio knowing the consequences of your irate actions. Tomorrow, points might be slashed off you for the evaluations, and you may be kicked out of future opportunities to feature in other artists’ songs either. Worst, your debut with an unknown date might either happen after so many years, or never at all.
You are not getting any younger, and all your same-aged friends have either debuted already or are in preparation to go on stage. You can’t bear any more delays.
But no, your pride won’t be stepped on.
Jaewon’s laughter is not helping out your situation at all.
“Gee, thanks for the support, asshole,” you chug down your water after three rounds of dance practice.
“But hey, stay positive!” He belatedly cheers you up. “Who knows? He might still want you to feature in his song. After all, he had a say in who should be in his album.”
“Dude, he legitimately told me ‘Why did it have to be you?’ with those stupid eyes!” You impersonate Hanbin’s voice poorly.
“You’re rude as well, you know!” Jaewon points out. “If you two like each other, you don’t have to be like kindergarteners about it.”
“Hey!” You stop him from saying more. “I don’t like Kim Hanbin!”
“Uh-huh. Who are you trying to convince, me or yourself?” You just roll your eyes, opting to ignore Jaewon’s jokes.
“Y/N!” You hear Hanbin’s booming voice calling you over. “Recording studio. NOW.”
You raise a brow questioningly, wondering what Hanbin wants to do now. You follow anyway, not wanting anyone else to suffer his wrath now. It’s enough that he’s mad at you, and you wouldn’t want it to rub on to others.
Since he called you in, he hadn’t talked to you, and you are willing to be that girl who’s looking for death and will have to ask Hanbin what the hell is the problem with his attitude.
“Did you call me here to watch you be angry or--”
“You and Jaewon hyung,” he asks, not looking up at you. “Are you two dating?”
You can’t help but be horrified by his sudden question.
“No!” You sound defensive, but really, you and Jaewon? It’s like putting YG and JYP in one room. You’re friends and all... like siblings even, but you disagree on so many things to even think of being together.
“Really?” Hanbin finally shuts his notebook close, returning his intimidating gaze to you. “Why are you two always together?”
“Because we’re friends? I’m allowed to have friends of all genders, Hanbin. Why are you so curious, anyway?”
“Because I like you,” and Jaewon was right all along. The little shit might have known already and thought it would be funny to string you alone in his own sitcom ensemble.
“Oh, really?” You cross your arms, disbelieving his words. “You were so rude, you know? Screaming and lashing out. You really have to fix your attitude.”
“Why are you suddenly preaching me? Stop spitting fire, Y/N!”
“Oh, no. You’re not the only rapper here, Kim Hanbin.” And he looks competitive when you say it, eyes ablaze with flames.
the softest leader to ever exist so you can already imagine where this is going
as soon as he realised he actually had feelings for you he’d be so shy around you and wouldn’t know what to do with himself
he’d try to avoid you because he’d be so shy and would be scared that he’d ruin the friendship
but the other members would convince him to just tell you how he feels so he’d ask you to meet up and would take you out to get your favourite food
when you’re both sitting there he’d be so quiet not eating his food almost throwing up everywhere
you’d ask him what’s wrong and he’d say nothing but you’d ask him to just spit it out and he’d just take a deep breathe and let it all out in one go
you’d be sitting there giggling whilst he looks like he’s about to pass out and you just lean over and grab his face and smooch him
he still looks like he’s about to pass out but this time out of happiness
after that you two become so inseparable it’s gross
the other members make vomit noises when you hold hands or cuddle or kiss
hanbin would still be a shy little softie when you first start dating and he never really stops
the first time you held hands he almost passed out from how fast his heart was racing
he becomes so clingy and cuddly aaaaAAAA
he’d always fall asleep on you when you’re cuddling especially when you run your fingers through his hair he’s out like a light
when you’re the first one to fall asleep on him you always drool so he gets annoyed but he takes it because he thinks you look so cute even with the gross drool coming out of your mouth
so many movie nights
he cries more than you at the sad movies
you always annoy him on purpose because his reactions are so funny
he always tries to pretend he’s genuinely mad and throw a tantrum but it never works because he could never be mad at you
even if he is, it’s never for long because you’re just so cute
you’ll always catch him staring at you with the biggest smile on his face
he always cups your face and pokes your cheeks whilst cooing over how cute you are
he always buys you things without you asking
and then you get mad at him for wasting his money
‘binnie i told you not to get me that shirt’
‘but you said you thought it was cute :(’
‘just because i say its cute doesn’t mean i want it’
and then he gets so sad and looks like a puppy who just got yelled at (because he is)
and you sigh and forgive and thank him and then wear it for him
this happens at least once a week
whenever you’re sad he would try to be cute to cheer you up
he’d also get you all your favourite snacks and surprise you with them
then you’d sit on the couch for hours watching your favourite show
he’d just be so so so so loving and such a dork i could go on forever
even in the bedroom, so so loving and passionate o geez
heS NOT EVEN MY BIAS but he just makes me so soft
the best boyfriend in all of existence he’d adore you with every fibre of his being and everything he does would be for you
something for hanbinnie please since we’ve all been missing him loads ❤️
you held your nerf gun close to your chest as you snuck around the house in attempts to find hanbin. you came home and saw a note and the toy that said: “i’m in the house somewhere with the other gun, come find me. loser has to cook/pay for dinner. good luck!”
you were beyond estatic to play. you two always play goofy games together, just in love with one another’s company. it was dark outside and he only had a few lights on in the house. you already checked downstairs and he wasn’t anywhere down there. you snuck up the steps, careful to walk on the far left side so it didn’t make a sound. hanbin waited patiently in the bathroom, ready to jump out and attack at any moment. he made sure to turn the light off so you didn’t suspect him to be in there. he didn’t hear you make any sounds after you came through the door. he wondered if you chickened out and didn’t want to play, or if you’re just really good at sneaking. he assumed it was the latter since you always had a ball playing these games. he still continued to wait in the bathroom, not ready to blow his cover. you made it to the top of the steps and you considered checking the bathroom. the light was off, but you knew he was smart with his games. you tried to push the door completely open but it was stopped in the process. something was behind it, and that something was hanbin. he jumped from behind the door and started shooting his gun and you did the same. it was dark so neither of you knew if you were connecting shots. you were both a giggling mess as you let out your round of soft bullets. eventually he ran out and you continued to shoot until your gun signaled you were out too. you flicked on the light and gave him a goofy grin. “i guess it’s safe to say i won since i was still shooting?” he just rolled his eyes at you and pulled you in for a quick kiss. he looked down at you with a soft smile before playfully sighing, “okay fine, i guess you won.”
