I fucked up….I really fucked up. I’m the biggest piece of shit to ever live. I’m no better than these other fuck niggas out here. Just when things start to calm down here comes more problems more drama and this time it’s all me. How could I betray her trust and love.
*last night*
“So what is it you just sick of drama or me?” She asked standing in front of me trying to get me to look at her. “Tell me…are you gonna leave me after two kids…..call off the wedding we both worked hard to redo and just throw away this second chance you begged me for.”
Sitting back in my seat I lite my blunt again taking a long drawn out pull until I couldn’t hold it get anymore. Hearing her sniffing I sigh before looking back.
“Stop looking at me like that! Just answer my questions!” She marched up in my face again. “I put my all into you my entire heart is yours and your just sitting there. Are you giving up on us after all this time? Was this your whole plan to come back win me over then shatter me?”
“No Camila I came back because of a meeting I didnt even know you were alive…I stayed because I wanted you back in my life.”
“So what you regret it now….seeing how much drama I bring since you blame everything on me.”
Clenching my jaw I stood. I just need a drink clearly I’m not gonna get one here. Grabbing my keys I start my way to the door only for my shirt be pulled back. “Let me go Camila.”
“No your not leaving right now…not with us both being upset. We have to finish talking.”
“I’m fucking done man this shit is stressful.”
“But what are you talking about!? You done with me and our family or just this conversation?”
I tried to keep walking but she a tight grip on my arm. When she get so fucking strong!? “Get off me-”
“No your not leaving this house…I swear I will hurt you if you walk out that door.” She was crying now which made her body loosen up some. I got out her grip making my way to the door. She jumped in front of it looking up at me with her wet eyes. “Why are you doing this….please baby just go sit down.”
“Move-”
“I’m not moving you’ll have to move me yourself.” I grunt going grabbing her up. Her legs and arms wrapped around me tight. “If you leave I’m coming with you.”
“You really starting to piss me off just let me go man this is bullshit!”
“You worked hard to get me and now I’m yours forever I’m never letting go!”
Breathing deep I go over to the wall pulling her off me pinning her to the wall. “This is another problem! I’m steady telling you I need air I’m tryna go take a damn breather but yo dumb ass tryna keep me here! You don’t fucking listen for shit! Let me go cool off so when I come back we can finish this shitty conversation and fix a problem caused surprise surprise by you. Why don’t you go do some spins to figure yourself out?”
She looked at me lip poked out breathing slow. “Fine.”
Nodding I walk out. I drove to a liquor store picking up a couple beers. Not usually my first go to but I didn’t have my crystal for a nice glass of henny. I stopped at a park just thinking and drinking.
Now yeah I know I have my share in a few of the problems in our relationship but I just see it as her shit is bigger than mine. She’s not the same woman I fell for in the beginning and I stupidly thought us being together would bring back the old her. I just had the thought of her being sweet and innocent again which she now is the total opposite. I don’t regret us getting back together because it’s what I wanted even if in the beginning its not what she wanted. We feel in love all over again. She gave me a family she gave me love but also stress and headaches. It was a warning sign when she was willing to put Maurice life in danger going on that stupid dance tour. The way she made a whole decision without thinking of me or our child’s life showed me how selfish she is now. Her whole “friendship” with Devin and whatever the fuck happened with her and that Cole nigga showed how naive she can be. She so quick to trust and put her all into someone but gave me hell wanting to be in my daughter life. She listen to her dad who at the time hated my fucking guts painting me as this horrible person not even with a chance of trying to find out who I really was. I let all that shit go so we could be a happy couple and family.
But now she letting niggas in my house when I’m not home not only putting herself in danger because that nigga is a damn psycho but our children to. He could’ve done anything and even if she thinks she’s this big tough Wonder Woman she’s not. I just wish would start thinking. I told her once we get married it would be no more of this drama bullshit. But we just can’t seem to catch a damn break. Everyone else around us living happy and what not. I’m a good father and provider for my family…I don’t deserve this shit.
Around eleven she started blowing up my phone. Then Rebecca started Isabel both our moms Carlton and Max text me a few times even her dad called me. But I just turned off my phone because I don’t wanna talk to none of them right now. Normally I would talk to Carlton about the shit we argue about but his word isn’t gonna do much for me right now. Five beers in I start up my ca and start driving. I didn’t have to drive for to long and thankfully no one was really out on the roads. Pulling up I sway getting out walking up to her door. Knocking I burp waiting. “Heyyyyyyy!”
“Ew you smell like a white bar. What are you doing here it’s damn near midnight?”
Pushing through I flop on her couch dropping the can in my hand. “Camila pissed me off so I left. You got some food?”
“I got water which is something you need.”
“Nah I came here to talk and if I’m not like this my words won’t come out right. I need to vent…get some womanly advise.”
“You should’ve went to your moms house then.” She hands me a bottle of water. “Here drink this.”
“Nah I’m good I’ll just have this last can and I’m done.” I crack it open taking back all the liquid in seconds. “I hate beer but it did its job.”
“Did you drive like this?”
“Yeah the drunk angel looked over me…me and God are like this.” I tried twisting my fingers but they weren’t tryna work with me. “You get what I’m saying. Come sit so I can talk about my finance who is ruining my life.”
She shook her head sitting. I sat up quick then lay my head on her thighs. Looking up I smiled. “You look a mess.”
“And you look sexy…..I ever told you what drew me to you in the beginning?”
“You said I looked like Camila.”
“Yup….I thought if I couldn’t get the real deal the name brand I’ll settle for the next best. I mean don’t get me wrong you cute and all but my baby is BANGIN!”
“Right thanks for the reminder.” She rolled her eyes leaning up grabbing a glass from the coffee table. “So you gonna talk or just keep comparing us destroying my self esteem?”
“I don’t know anymore these thighs looking good baby.” I rub my cheek on her thigh. “Soft skin just like her.”
“Look why don’t you just get some sleep then you can go home in the morning and y'all work out whatever issue your having.” She tried getting up.
“No I told you I need advise.”
“Fine. What was the argument about?”
“I told her….she’s the cause of all our relationship problems.”
She chuckled “Why the hell would you say some shit like that?”
“It’s true.”
“It’s not and you know it. To be completely honest the were no problems until you came back basically forcing yourself back into her life…Mona was just the tool needed to. You can’t push all blame on her that’s not fair.”
“You are not saying what I wanted to hear.”
“Yeah because I’m a good friend.” She tapped my head to get me to sit up. “So you just started this big ass fight because of some pass issues?”
“I mean I guess. It just we about to get married right and I’ve been think and I’m just trying to see if I really wanna go through more of the same pass bullshit for the rest of me life.” I burped making her give me a side eye. “I’m not gon throw up girl calm down.”
“You still wanna get married?”
“I think so. I still love her that’s no doubt but….she’s not my Camila the girl I fell for. Now she’s Camila the girl I fell for.”
She chuckled shaking her head. “Chris you are so stuck in the pass. You hold onto shit that’s not healthy or smart when you about to start a whole new life with someone. If you can’t let things like her accident changing her which she had no control over don’t force yourself into this it’s not fair for either of you and your marriage probably won’t last to long.” She swayed into her kitchen with me right behind her. “You knew what you were doing when you decided to try to win her again with knowing about what happen to her you can’t use that against her now with that tired ’your not that same girl I once knew’ bullshit excuse.”
“She don’t even like you and you still taking up for her.”
“Fuck you Chris.” Sitting at her table I watch her pour more wine into her now empty glass. She took back the red liquid and poured more. “I swear you give me headaches.”
“Ok maybe everything isn’t her fault but most of the really bad stuff is.”
“How you come to that conclusion?” She sat in the chair next time me.
“Uh hello our wedding was ruin burned to the damn ground by her friend mother of the little girl we adopted. If she hadn’t been all friendly it wouldn’t have happened.”
“You also wouldn’t have Stanley. It’s not her fault Devin is crazy plus don’t forget she went crazy because she went loopy over yo ugly ass. I can think of something related to you that’s worst than that.”
“No way. You can try tho.” I take her glass sipping on the dry red wine.
“Oh yeah….remember Ana? The woman you ditched for Camila and got so pissed at you she kidnapped Mona and broke her arm. Things have been happening because of you both.”
“I guess….I’m wrong aren’t I?”
“Hell yeah way wrong and need to go home and apologize to her.” She got up after I finished her glass.
As she put her glass in the sink I watched her every move. There maybe have been blonde hair but it slowly faded black. She started looking more and more like her. Standing keeping my balance best I could walking up until my chest was touching her back. My hands rub around her waist.
“Chris…what are you doing?” She whispered and stopped washing the cup.
“I’m sorry baby….I was in the wrong I know…I just was afraid when I walked in and heard him yelling at you. I never was really mad at you just at myself. I wasn’t there when you needed me rather you knew it or not. I’m always working and never around when I should be.”
Kissing her shoulder I squeeze my arms around her taking a deep breath tasting the cinnamon apple lotion.
“Chris-”
“I’m so sorry baby…I’m a fucked up fiancé and father. I never should’ve blamed you for all that shit.”
Her hand brushed over mine. “Don’t say that Chris…everyone has their down days.”
“Do you forgive me Mily?” I kiss on her shoulder up on her neck.
Janiya
I am a horrible person….I can’t believe I did this! All this time she didn’t trust me didn’t want me around because of what could happen. After all the fighting and screaming…I proved her right. The excuse of liquor being in our systems will never be good enough reason to cheat and betray someone’s trust.
Stepping out my bathroom I sigh keeping the towel tight on my body. He was up head in his hands sitting on the edge of my bed.
I couldn’t look at him for to long. Flashes of last night just keep coming back. I got dressed in my closet. “Look we both know what happened….we have to tell her.”
“I know…just give me a few days.” He groaned falling back.
“No Chris we cant wait around that just adds to the fire. We need to tell her now like today.” I put my hair up into a bun. “The longer we wait the worst this all will get. It was a mistake so all we can do is hope she forgives us. More you than me.”
He jumped up pacing the floor his hands on his head. “Janiya I-I can’t loose her….we have kids and are getting married. Damn it why did I come here!?”
Seeing him breaking down like this hurts especially since it takes two to cheat and I just happen to be a second party involved in this.
“Just let me tell her?”
“But when will you I can’t sit back and just wait until you think it’s the time to tell her. She’ll just be more pissed!”
“I know I know but I don’t want to loose her. I need sometime to get myself together.” He grabs his keys.
“Well I’m gonna tell her.”
He stopped letting out a sigh. “Fine do what you want.”
********
Knocking I take a breath. A minute later she opened the door with Maurice in her arms.
“Hey uh Chris isn’t here.”
“I know I came for you.”
“Oh uh ok.” She moved aside letting me in. I waited in the kitchen. “Um have you heard from Chris at all he left last night.”
“That’s why I’m here.” She frowned. “He came to my place last night drunk. He was going on about a argument you guys had got in and said he needed advise.”
“So what you told him he was right?”
“No because he wasn’t. Then I guess he hallucinated that I was you or something and was just apologizing saying he was never mad at you but at himself because he wasn’t here to protect you.”
She smiled small with a chuckle. It’s really paining me right now.
“That’s um not all. We both had some drinks him more than me but uh we did some….oral things. It was never meant to happen and was a horrible drunken mistake but I know that doesn’t excuse what I did.”
Looking at me she shook her head placing Maurice down. He crawled off as she places her hands on the counter top.
“Do you know how dumb you are telling me some shit like that in my face. I should cut you fucking face!”
I backed up a bit. “I came because I didn’t want you thinking we were trying to keep this mistake from you. I’ve been through the feeling of someone betraying your trust rather on purpose or not and completely hate myself for making you feel anyway like that.”
She laughed coming over. “Bullshit! You’ve had your eyes on him since he introduced us just trying to fill in my place.”
“Camila I couldn’t be more honest…I do not nor have I ever wanted Chris. At first meeting all he talked about was you.”
“Then why are you telling me and not him?”
“He said he needed to get himself together or something but like I said it was a mistake and I didn’t want it to come out and be made more than it was. I’m willing to take whatever if it’ll make you feel better.”
