I always feel bad about posting this, but the summer I was turning 12, a couple days before my birthday. July 3rd, today to be exact, my cousin Monika and her fiancé Aaron died in a really horrible car accident on their way home from his family reunion. My family and his family were crushed. The summer it happened we never had a birthday party for me, the adults all thanked me for not being selfish and for being so strong about this whole thing but I never wanted the birthday party in the first place. How could I after that? This photo was their engagement photo, it was also the picture used in the pamphlets at their funerals. Pretty much everyone is over it but this sticks with me every year. I sat by and watched everyone cry over it, I didn't cry at all and as the adults thanked me for being strong I just held it in more and more until I had a panic attack after seeing her in her coffin at the funeral home. They were hit by a drunk driver in Cartersville, Georgia. Aaron was driving. I made some vows that night: never let my boyfriend drive my car, never become friends with anyone from Cartersville, and never cry on July 3rd again as it was also my friend's birthday. I've broken every single one of those vows countless times. For starters one of my best friends is from Cartersville and I realized it was silly to blame an entire town for one man's mistake. Also...Monika's death really fucked me up, I panic a lot while driving now, so Eric (my boyfriend) tends to do a lot of driving for me and honestly he has way more control over my car on the road than I do. As for not crying on the 3rd, well...I cry every year for Monika, I'm crying right now. But I've also cried for other reasons, I've been dumped on the 3rd, I've cried with Colleen over various things, I've cried from laughing so much that I peed my pants. Silly things like that. I just wanted to get a post in about her before midnight came. Monika was the best, she was so special, there will never be another person like her. Too many things have happened without her. She never got to meet my friends, she and Eric would get along great. She would've loved acen, and she would've loved the life she could've built with Aaron. She wanted a beach wedding, she wanted 7 kids and twice as many dogs, but she'll never get that. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, and sometimes I feel like I'm the only one. But...when I think about how all of my family members' houses are covered in sunflowers, her favorite flower, I start to realize that maybe everyone else is just trying to be like me when I was 12. Strong until they break down. I don't really know how else to end this, and I'm sorry this is so long and personal and shit. It's a rough night for me. I hope everyone has a good night/day and I hope everyone's having a good summer too.