I haven't done one of these in a long time and always end up swamped on the days they happen. So to @forabeatofadrum and others who kindly tag me, have a mega dose of Six Sentence Sunday and WIP Wednesday on a Saturday. I have three WIPs in the Everybody's Naked & There's a Country To Run verse and shall provide you with a few lines from each of them. Let's begin. :D
One-Shot, Chapter 14: Railed
“Hummel, I swear you lose this game on purpose every time we play it.”
“Or maybe you cheat so I can’t win, Santana.”
“You can’t cheat at Never Have I Ever Reverse Strip Poker.”
“We’re on a train.” Kurt took a glance out the nearest window. There was still nothing but farmland outside.
“Not my problem. You were the one who was bored. Now dance! And I wants to hear singing.”
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The Queens Passageway (working title) - a new fic I started writing yesterday that expands upon the one-shot, Passage Ways. Current word count is 2,053. This is a condensed excerpt of the opening scene.
~
Elizabeth laid her son upon a cushion, freeing her hands to turn on the room’s space heater. It wasn’t cold per say in the Queens Passageway, but Kurt was only a few weeks old and needed the warmth. With tender words of love and assurance, she unwrapped his swaddling and cuddled him in her arms, bare skin to bare skin, mother to child, unclothed and fully nude in the presence of their ancestors as it should be.
“These are your people, Kurt. You come from the great queens and kings of the Royal Lands of the Nation of Lima. One day, when I am no longer the Queen, you’ll take my place and become King. A good king. A kind king who will work hard to do his best for our people.”
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Growing Up Is Royal Thing To Do, Chapter 35: So This Is Christmas, Though this chapter primarily focuses on Finn's first Christmas party at the Hummel castle, here's a truncated excerpt from a scene with canon guest characters. I wrote their map and country tie-in months ago.
~
“King Hummel, Queen Consort Carole, Crown Prince Kurt, and Lady Mildred, may I present to you our guests from the Sacred Lands of Many Peoples - the Holy Vessel of the River, Candy Dystra, her primary life and sexual partner, the Holy Scepter of the Canyon, Bryan Ryan, and their child, Heir of the Holy and Sacred, Chandler Kiehl Dystra-Ryan.”
Bryan looked the king and his wife over, calming his mind, and taking them in. He’d already read up on their backgrounds and wouldn’t have been here in the first place if the proposed trade deal wasn’t tempting. It was feeling a person’s direct presence and reading their aura that gave far more knowledge than pretty words written up by others. The fact that Burt was as easy on the eyes as he was in his pictures, certainly helped matters. “I don’t really go for the military type, Queen Consort Carole, but King Hummel, you’re handsome enough.”
Burt acknowledged the compliment with a polite nod. “Thank you. I’m more of the monogamous kind.”
“Pity. I’ll pray for you.”
Unlike the rulers of the Sacred Lands of Many Peoples with far too many layers of clothing on, Mildred shifted her naked body, enjoying their reactions to it. Someone had to step up for the Royal Lands of the Nation of Lima. “I’m always up for broadening my spiritual horizons. How about if you and King Hummel here can come to an agreement, I pay a visit and help seal the deal? I do love a good threesome. Though in my opinion, it’s not a real party until there’s at least six.”
Bryan nodded in eager agreement. The Hummels were a strange royal family. While he hated having to see so much nudity outside of the Sacred Lands, he couldn’t help but be turned on by the numerous colorful tattoos spread out over Lady Mildred’s body. And at her age, he was sure she could add to his spiritual journey.
“Here I thought you all were nothing but a bunch of cock and pussy flashing prudes, King Hummel. Now that I know differently, I’m certain we can come to a satisfactory trade agreement.”
Chapter 17 of “Everybody’s Naked & There’s a Country to Run”
by coffeegleek
Summary: Team Generation Unicorn has a plan and they’re sticking to it. (Opine, Overheat)
AN: TW: Mention of vomiting and a non-graphic depiction of a meat processing plant. Thanks to @darriness for their help with a point of characterization of the young royals. All of the apologies to my hub, @avengerco, when I told him his idea was lame and wouldn’t work. It did work - when put into the hands of the right characters.
Kurt didn’t know why his dad had asked him to hang back and let the rest of their tour group go on ahead. He’d made certain that his outfit was Miss Pillsbury certified appropriate - full cut briefs, creamy white riding breeches that hugged his ass but left something to the imagination, a matching skin tight shirt that didn’t, and a multi-patterned, designer scarf-hoodie and braided head covering, that despite being in the royal Hummel blues, reminded Blaine of the Rebel Alliance. Getting lucky in the raspberry fields that his husband liked to pretend were the forests of Endor and “this is the cock I’m looking for” was perfectly fine by him.
“Hey, Kurt? Don’t look so glum. I just wanted to ask you not to wander off with Blaine today. The press are here and we need to present a united front, not have a photographer seeing you going at it with your pants down.”
All the color drained from his face. Not knowing how many of his and Blaine’s romps his dad knew about, Kurt decided to take a chance and go for the lowest number and best possible outcome. “That was only the one time, and I told you, a bee had flown up my pants! I was trying to get it off of me.”
“Yeah? Is that why Blaine’s pants were down too?”
“There were two bees?”
Burt clapped his son on the shoulder and laughed at the mortification on his face. “I know something’s been off with you lately. This week hasn’t turned out how any of us planned. The joining ceremony’s been pushed back. Sue still isn’t talking except to threaten us with more lawsuits. The negotiation meetings are more screaming than anything. And now we’ve got all these public tours to show the world and press we’re still serious about our nations coming together and it being the best thing for the people. On top of all that, you and Blaine had to cancel your honeymoon.”
“I’m fine, Dad. I’m the crown prince of Lima. I have to be fine. Paris and London can wait.”
“You aint fine, Kid.” Burt rubbed his head, glad that his crown wasn’t necessary for this outing and that he could wear a ball cap with the royal crest instead. It wasn’t the same nor as worn as his favorites back home, but it fit the need to channel some of his stress all the same. The burden of the kingdom was his to bear, not Kurt’s. “How about you take the rest of the day off? Next stop is that huge medical complex in Cincinnati and I’m sure they’d appreciate having less folks nosing around and taking up more of the staff’s time.”
“Is this because of that dinner last night? I told you, it wasn’t my fault.”
“Miss Pillsbury and Admiral Beiste explained everything. I’m saying, Kurt, that it’s clear you need a break. Why don’t you go spend some time with Finn? Your brother misses you.”
“I miss him too.” Kurt thought fast. This was his chance and he was going to take it. “Do we have to stay cooped up in the castle or can we go somewhere?”
“No bars.”
Kurt let out a dramatic sigh, playing it just as his father would have expected him to. “I know that, Dad. I was thinking...I don’t know, maybe the zoo in Lima Heights? Have some nice Furt bonding time?”
Burt shook his head. Finn was a great kid, but his monikers for things could be weird at times. If it made his sons happy though, he was all for it. “Sounds like a plan. I’ll let Beiste know so he can arrange protection for you. If it’s in Lima Heights, I bet Princess Santana and her wife would like to go. Brittany’s always going on about the tigers.”
Kurt gave his dad a hug. This was going to be easier than he’d thought it would be. Now he just needed to get Queen Anderson on board. “Too bad Blaine won’t be able to come. I know what a stickler the Andersons are about protocol.”
Burt smirked at his kid. As if he hadn’t seen that one coming from a mile away. “I’ll see what I can do.”
Chapter 3 of “Everybody’s Naked & There’s a Country to Run”
by coffeegleek
Summary: King Hummel has a heart to heart with his son. All the wonderful Burt parenting feels with a side of Kurt and Blaine humor. (Tenacious, Triceps)
AN: I did my best given the non-stop fireworks in my neighborhood and town and my large dog needing the comfort of my lap.
Read on AO3 Word Count: 1,184
Read on Tumblr: Chapter 1 Chapter 2
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Kurt didn’t hear his dressing room’s door opening, so much as he felt it along with the sensation of falling out of Blaine and onto the floor with his fiancé landing on top of him.
“Ow! Ow ow ow ow ow. Oh god, please tell me I didn’t break something.”
Kurt wasn’t sure which one of them had said those words, but knew full well who’d said the next ones.
“Kurt, are you okay? Come on, let’s check you out, Buddy.”
“Dad, I’m naked!” Kurt tried to find any bit of clothing within reach, but of course there was none and he hurt too much to stand up and get some.
“I can see that.”
“Can I die now?”
“Prince Blaine, how are you feeling? Anything broken?”
“Can I die now too?”
Burt couldn’t help but chuckle as he visibly checked over the boys. Young men really, but still kids in his eyes. He pulled out his phone and sent off a quick text to Dr. Howell. Better to have a professional look them over to be sure they didn’t have anything more serious than a few bruises and a case of the mortifications.
“I need my pants.”
“You need the doctor, Kurt. You two are going to lay right where you are until he gets here.”
“Naked?”
“What part of the doctor needs to check you out, did you not understand?” Burt rubbed his head and let out a long sigh. “I’ll get you a blanket.”
“We weren’t doing anything that requires a doctor. We’re fine. Aren’t we, Blaine?”
Blaine let out a low groan. He really hoped he hadn’t broken anything. Or Kurt. What if Kurt’s penis had broken during the fall? It had been thrusting into him, hitting all the right spots, and now it was limp and unmoving, laying there in a thatch of neatly trimmed, dark chestnut hair. He loved his betrothed’s cock. It would be a terrible shame if it was broken. A loss to himself and the royal nations.
“Blaine, please stop talking.”
“What was that about not needing the palace doctor, Bud?”
“Fine, but I stand by my statement that we weren’t doing anything.”
Burt retrieved a couple of blankets from the bedroom and laid them on the too-enthusiastic princes. “Kurt, your mom and I were your age once and enjoyed doing the same things before our wedding day. All those pent up nerves, castle full of people, and press lingering outside making it difficult to go on a long run or horseback ride. Easiest outlet for all that energy was sex. And your mom was just as tenacious and strong as you are. Didn’t keep her from pulling her triceps though lifting me up one too many times against that very door.”
“Oh, my god! I can’t know these things!” Try as he might, Kurt couldn’t put his fingers in his ears and hum a tune fast enough to keep his dad from swatting his hands away.
“Your wedding day is tomorrow and at least you’ll be dressed for it. Much easier to hide any bruises and sprains.”
“You and Mom weren’t?”
“Nope. Your Aunt Mildred insisted that traditions be kept, seeing as how I was ‘only’ the palace’s chief mechanic and from a minor bloodline.”
“You were more than that, Dad.”
“I know and so did your mom and all of our parents. Aunt Mildred threw such a fit that we agreed just to keep her quiet. Took the makeup artists hours to hide the results of our activities and the tape on your mom’s pulled muscles. The doc gave me pain killers and a little boost to maintain an erection long enough to prove that I could help keep the royal bloodline going.”
“I didn’t need to know that either. Blaine, Honey, can I have your concussion?”
“You can have all of me, Kurt. Thank you for getting an erection and making him, King Hummel.”
Burt checked his buzzing phone. The doctor and attending nurses would be arriving in just a few minutes. He needed to wrap things up. “Kurt you need to hear it because you need to know that I get it. You’re nervous and scared and…”
“I’m not nervous about marrying Blaine. I love him, Dad.”
“I know you do. I’m talking about the nation joining ceremony. Being nude in front of a crowd of people isn’t an easy thing to do.”
“But I grew up here, Dad. I’m used to it. I may not be thrilled at the idea, but the Hummels don’t back down from their duty to the people we serve. It’s an honor to be a member of the royal family.”
Burt wished that at times like these he still had his old ball cap to fiddle with and adjust on his head. Instead he had nothing but the determination to help his kid get through the most important week of his life. “You can quote your mom and me all you like and I know how seriously you take your responsibilities to the Crown, Kurt. It’s just...you’re used to the idea of being nude in front of other people. Used to witnessing the ceremonies where such was necessary once you became of age and it was appropriate for you to be there. You were never a participant until now, and in a couple of days you’ll be helping to join the Nation of Lima with more than your betrothed’s Westerville. A lot of countries and millions of people are counting on you.”
“So, no pressure.” Kurt pursed his lips and let out a long sigh. It was a trait he’d picked up from his dad for sure. “Any advice?”
Burt patted his son’s shoulder and removed it quickly when he winced. “Take a lot of deep breaths. Know that I’m always here for you, day and night. No matter how busy it seems I am, I’ll always have time for you. And cut out the acrobatics until the joining ceremony. If you don’t, I’ll make sure Aunt Mildred is around for your wedding night.”
“You wouldn’t dare!”
“No, I wouldn’t. Just be glad you won’t have to suffer through what I did. She didn’t feel the Majesty’s Senior Counsel was witness enough and told your mom that a proper queen should ride her consort like a stallion, even if he wasn’t born a thoroughbred.”
Kurt had never been more grateful to hear a courtesy knock on the door and the sight of Dr. Howell hurrying through it. The interruption made his dad stop talking about trying to having sex while getting tips from Aunt Mildred. At least he was grateful until he had to explain what he and Blaine had been up to until they’d been accidently knocked to the ground.
Commoners could be jealous of the royal family all they wanted, but they weren’t lying on the floor stark naked, having every inch of their body examined, confessing to all of the places that hurt, and be told by the doctor, “No, Prince Kurt, hurting your pride doesn’t count as a mortal injury.”
Chapter 6 of “Everybody’s Naked & There’s a Country to Run”
by coffeegleek
Summary: Enter the royal family with their very nude bodies and very loud opinions. Part 3 of Kurt and Blaine’s royal wedding. Best dad ever Burt Hummel feels are a given. (Stark, Sweat, Quixotic, Quick)
AN: My first draft sucked. I hope this rewritten version is better. Also, all the hugs to @openinguptojoy1 for being awesome in multiple kind and generous ways.
Kurt’s determination and bravado plummeted within minutes of stepping into the ceremonial room. It was one thing to be told that he and Blaine would have to get married in the nude. It was another altogether when your Great Aunt Mildred decides to loudly declare, “Seven and half a inches with his betrothed not far behind. Two hearty erections by two strapping crown princes! They are proof that Mother Goddess has blessed this union and the joining of our countries. May those that bear their children be of equally stalwart and hearty bloodlines.”
It was another yet when such was followed by the loud agreement of a room full of naked relatives, all of them staring at his dick. Who knew that he and Blaine had this many because he sure didn’t. It was nothing but a sea of bared chests and breasts - firm and muscular, thin or full and saggy, round and perky, and somewhere in-between. And oh, god, that set with a bat tattooed near a nipple belonged to Tina.
And then there were the penises - short and flaccid or happy and hard; balls huge, purple-red, and saggy, dangling among those who bore ones that were tighter and lighter. The people with parts that didn’t have any of those things were in plenty, and one in particular forced him to remember that his stepmother only dyed the hair on her head and not the hair down there.
The old men and women with long names and important titles were still staring at him and the erection he was trying to maintain by sheer willpower alone. The elder royals with faded Westerville crests tattooed on their shaved crotches were muttering about how back in their day it was too dangerous to be tattooed on the chest. How these young princes didn’t know their history and should have respected the truth of “dick or die.”
But then he caught sight of a not-so old and far more familiar man who patted his shoulder and told him, ““It’s time to make you presentable so this shindig can get started, Kurt.”
“I’m already naked and Aunt Mildred made sure that everyone knew about this. What else is there?”
“You can say ‘erection’, Kurt.”
“Not in front of you I can't.”
“Bud, look around you. Not at the people, but the room. You think with all those quixotic wedding plans you used to create for your Power Rangers and yourself, all those ceremonial magazines tucked under your bed, and the bookshelf full of idea binders you made were going to go to waste? You’re the crown prince of Lima and Blaine’s the crown prince of Westerville. There was no way Queen Anderson and I weren’t going to give our boys a proper wedding.”
Kurt couldn’t help but to admit that no expense had been spared. While the attendees may not be wearing an inch of fabric between them, the room itself was covered in it - rich royal and pale blues, crimsons. and golds, silks, brocades, and velvet. All as tasteful and elegant as the multitude of flower arrangements. It was perfect and yet still he fretted. “The joining ceremony, Dad. That’s far more important.”
“You’re important too. You matter, Kurt, and so does Blaine.”
Kurt looked around, not realizing until now that his fiancé was no longer standing by his side. “Where is he? Oh, never mind.”
“I told you a hundred times, Cooper, stop hugging me when we’re naked!”
“What’s a little nudity between family, Squirt? Come on, we’re royalty. It’s our duty to show off the goods. At least now I see why you were always into Prince Kurt. Nice job on landing him.”
“Should I go rescue him, Dad?”
“I think his parents have got it. Come on, let’s get that sweat from Zizes’ and Fabray’s interrogation washed off you and cover up some of those bruises.”
“Will you be there?”
“Of course, Kiddo.”
Kurt leaned in for a sideward hug and that’s when he noticed what his dad had meant by being presentable.
His dad was nude, but he wasn’t flagrantly naked. No, his father was King Hummel, the leader of the Nation of Lima who bore a tattoo of the royal crest and one of his mother’s crown above his heart. Sitting regally upon his balding head was the crown of a king. His father, who hadn’t been born a Hummel, bore his regalia proudly and with honor.
Kurt knew who he was. He was a crown prince, born of humble and royal blood; raised by parents who had instilled in him a duty to his nation. He would bear his own crown nobly, with grace and dignity, stand upon the dais, and marry the man he loved. He could and would do this because he was a Hummel and mostly importantly, he was his father’s son.
—
42 minutes later
He couldn’t do this. The shower to wash off the sweat from nerves and the pre-wedding interrogation had only served to wash away his built up bravado. There he was, standing naked in yet another stark white room while a makeup artist swiped cover-up cream over the bruise on his hip and another was touching up the one on his groin. His hair, he had done himself, but of course that was being touched up too.
Carole had been trying to calm his nerves, letting him know that Finn had arrived and was getting ready in the next room. He wanted to laugh at the memory of Finn when he’d first moved into the castle and had to learn the ways of noble nudity. It had taken a few tries, but soon his new brother was as comfortable with it as breathing and had to be reminded that not all gatherings required him to be in the buff.
But then his father and stepmother had left to attend to some detail with Miss Pillsbury and he was left alone with two people he didn’t know who kept calling him, “Your Highness” while their faces and hands hovered over his most intimate areas.
Just as his crown was secured upon his head, there was a knock on the door followed by a beaming Miss Pillsbury who declared that he was ready and perfect.
Outwardly this was true, but internally, Kurt still wasn’t ruling out the idea that he should simply grab Blaine’s hand and run off with him to elope somewhere in private. Somewhere where pants were required and erections weren’t.
His had long faded and not having his dad to ask for advice, he had no choice but to turn to Miss Pillsbury. “Am I supposed to…” Kurt couldn’t bring himself to say the words and so made a jerking motion with his hand near his crotch.
“Only if you want to, Your Highness. I’m certain that once you see Prince Blaine, things will perk right back up!”
“If I don’t or can’t keep it up, am I going to ruin our family name? Will my father’s kingship be in danger? Will Blaine and I not be allowed to get married? Or…”
“There’s nothing to worry about, Prince Kurt. Your earlier entrance made it perfectly clear that you and Prince Blaine are an honour to your bloodlines and nations.”
“Thank you. I think just to be sure, I’ll…”
“Of course, Your Highness.”
Kurt waited until Miss Pillsbury’s eyes were averted to give himself a few firm, quick strokes. He thought of Blaine and what they would be doing tonight. The positions they could get in and all the orgasms they could have without fear of interruptions or having to be quiet. It wasn’t enough to get himself as erect as before, but it was a start. When he was satisfied that it was all he could manage without making some embarrassing sounds, Kurt cleared his throat to alert the Chief Protocol Officer that he was done.
“Excellent, Your Highness.“ With a pleased smile at her charge’s erection and another once-over at his entire presence, Miss Pillsbury opened the door of the preparation room and beckoned the Crown Prince into the castle’s most opulent Joining hall. “Let’s get you married!”
Chapter 15 Summary: Kurt stands on the cusp of the next chapter of his life
AN: This was going to be the last chapter, but it got long so I’ve cut it up. Not sure if there will be 1 or 2 more chapters, but the rest is very much in progress.
Chapter Excerpt:
~
Kurt smiled at his father’s statue standing beside his mother’s. “You were a great dad and a good king. And sometimes a good dad and a great king. Either way, I’m going to miss you. I like your Hummel Tires & Lube hat. Thank god you didn’t go with the flannel shirt. It would have been scandalous even among the dead. The football in your hand was a much better choice. It’s very you.”
Kurt ran a finger along the carved stitching of the ball. “I never actually hated the game as much as I said I did. Not the royal rules football Blaine taught me how to play, anyway.” Kurt grinned to himself at the memory of the last time he’d played. Getting tackled by your naked husband, getting a quick grope and heated kiss in before you jogged back over to your equally naked and sweating team of friends. Seeing the high and hearty flushed reaction of said husband when you won that always meant the celebratory sex would be amazing.
Realizing what those memories were doing to his body, Kurt squashed them down. This was not the place or time. He wasn’t a teenager anymore, desperate to see if his body looked like his ancestors; praying it wouldn't embarrass him during his very public Of Age celebration. A celebration where for the first time, the entire country would see what he looked like nude.
“Like I said, Dad, you were great. I’m really going to miss you.”
“I ain’t dead and cremated yet, Kurt.”
Kurt’s startled gasp reverberated off the passageway’s walls. “Oh, my god! How long have you been here?”
Chapter 11 Summary: Kurt breaks down when the harassment at school escalates
AN: TW: mention of Karofsky’s canon harassment and sexual assault of Kurt adapted to fit into this AU. You do not have to read this chapter if such will bother you. Additional notes on AO3.
Chapter Excerpt:
~
Kurt walked gingerly into the Queens Passageway, trying not to jostle his hip. His shoulder was already hurting from having to remove his long-sleeved shirt and yoga pants. Even though the earliest rulers of the Royal Lands of the Nation of Lima were positioned near the front, it still felt like the longest trek he'd ever taken to get there.
He bowed as best he could, hating that he couldn’t even do that right. “I don’t belong here, Queen Maude. You, Regina, Mathilda, Conrad. You fought in real battles. You protected our country. I’m not as brave or strong as any of you. All I did was go to high school and try to protect my dad. I failed all of you and I failed him.”
Another shame filled bow and he moved on to the person he had to apologize to the most and whose statue he desperately wished could talk back to him.
Kurt wiped at his eyes as he stared at his mother. “I’m sorry, Mom. Nothing I do works. I just made it worse. I don't know what to do anymore.”
Despite the dark shadows of early evening, he turned around to show her his bruises, the old and healing and the fresh ones he’d gotten this afternoon. The door to the locker he’d been slammed into hadn’t been fully shut and the sharp edge had caught him at a bad angle. The lock on it had been equally vicious, as had the person who had forced him into it. “You can’t tell, Dad, okay?”
Chapter Summary: Finn discovers that a formal brunch is far different than Friday night dinners at the Hummels and gets more than a lesson in royal table manners.
AN: Part of me feels I should apologize for the length of this chapter - a whopping 10,531 words. The other part of me is proud for broadening the scope of commoner and royal attitudes and practices regarding nudity. Writing this prequel continues to be a fun and interesting challenge to create a plausible, functional world with far more intricate complexities than was initially written in Everybody’s Naked & There’s a Country To Run. I enjoy trying to make sense of what started out as, “Wouldn’t it be funny if Kurt had to get married in the nude and all the politicians, including King Burt, were also nude most of the time?”
Thanks to everyone who helped me with this chapter. Your kindness and patience were truly appreciated.
Chapter word count: 10,531 Fic word count: 79,298
Read on AO3
Chapter preview:
—
Dear Mister Finn Christopher Hudson,
You are cordially invited to an afternoon of aquatics, bruncheon, and cinematic excitement this
Saturday, December 18th, at the Castle of Queens
Festivities begin promptly at 10 o’clock A.M.
Enclosed in this packet is your semi-formal attire and credentials. Please arrive at the East Visitor's Gate an hour beforehand to be checked in by Security and change out of your street clothes.
Sincerely,
Crown Prince Kurt Earl Meyers Burns Hummel
Castle of Queens
City of Lima, The Nation of Lima
~
Please RSVP ASAP with Miss Emma Pillsbury, Chief Protocol Officer
8,251 words and the editing for chapter 34 of Growing Up Is a Royal Thing To Do still isn't done. This is definitely in the top 3 longest chapters I've written for any verse. I think I have everything in it that I wanted to at least, except one short exchange between Mercedes and Kurt that was in an earlier draft. If I can't fit it in here, I'll save it for another chapter.
Hope you all like brunch with a discussion of social norms, attitudes, and laws regarding nudity that vary depending upon one's class status, country, and religion because that's what you're going to get. Plus Kurt freezing his nads off because I'm 12 and think one can never have too many of those kinds of jokes. :p
