Things That Still Have to be Said in 2018, apparently.
Part One of what might, sadly, be a continuing series.
This is in large measure an outgrowth of various issues that have come out because of accusations leveled against one of the biggest names in the American kink scene. If you wander over to Fetlife you’ll see some of the discussions. I don’t advise it unless you have a strong stomach and nerves. Suffice it to say that some of the comments do not reflect well on kinksters or humanity in general. I won’t go into the context of the comments I’ve seen but some of them need to be addressed. So here are three things that, apparently, need to be said in 2018.
Being in kink does not give you a license to commit assault or rape, strange as that might seem. If you are playing with anyone, and they say “no,” and you keep going, you are in all likelihood committing a crime.
The only exception to this is IF YOU HAVE EXPLICITLY AGREED BEFOREHAND THAT ANY “NO” IS NOT A STOP SIGN. Period.
There is no such thing as an “implied consent” on this one, folks. You cannot assume that just because someone is dressed in leather and wearing a collar with your name on it and says “treat me badly,” that a “no” is part of the act and can be ignored.
Subs and bottoms use safewords because, for some subs and bottoms, in certain headspaces, it is difficult to say “no.” (For reasons that aren’t necessary to get into.) So we ADD a safeword. But unless someone is explicitly negotiating a consensual non-consent scene, and tells you, explicitly, “ignore my ‘no,’” you cannot ethically (and probably legally) ignore them if they say “no.”
If you think otherwise, you are simply an unethical or unsafe person.
2) Mentors Shouldn’t Try to F*ck Their Mentees.
Mentors are not play partners. Mentors are not f@ck buddies. Mentors are not engaged in a power dynamic by another name. Mentors should not be trying to f@ck, play with, or otherwise engage in some other relationship with their mentee.
Mentors should be guides. They should have a duty of care to explain and protect and look out for their mentee. Often, a mentor is the only stable link with a kink scene that is new and amazing and chaotic. In short, a mentee should be able to trust the mentor, and proposing or expecting a play dynamic has a good chance of corrupting and souring that dynamic.
I truly believe that mentors should never play with their mentees. The only exceptions I can think of are to show a technique (i.e. how this feels) or in certain very limited co-topping or co-bottoming scenarios (or when the mentor is serving as a “spotter” and therefore is part of the scene dynamic).
And I need to say this as much for any mentees out there. If your mentor is proposing to “deepen the relationship,” or play with you, this is a red flag.
Can you consent to it? Yes. But it should be considered an exception, not an expectation, and mentees (especially newbies) need to be made aware that they should be able to expect not to be put in the position of choosing between a stable guide and some power dynamic.
Also, there’s a word for when a mentor “trains” a mentee, making them aware of only their way of doing kink so that they are responsive to the “mentor’s” needs and wants. It’s called “grooming,” and it’s not a good look.
3) It’s Unethical to Negotiate in the Middle of a Scene.
One of the alleged victim’s stories over on FL involved a “Big Name” in the kink community allegedly doing a scene with a bottom. Halfway through the scene, the Big Name had something to get to, so he asked the bottom (who was, it appeared, in some kind of sub-space and possibly immobilized) if it was ok if two other people “played through.” She nodded.
People on the thread actually “whatabouted” with “what about her personal responsibility: after all, she nodded ‘yes.’ Isn’t it her fault?“
Friends, if your play partner says this, dump them. Run the other way.
We should not negotiate in the middle of a scene. Anyone involved in a scene- if they’re actually engaged in it- is likely to feel vulnerable, exposed, and in an altered headspace. We are apt to agree to things we wouldn’t were we more sober.
So, unless, again, there is an explicit agreement that negotiation in the middle of a scene is allowed (and there wasn’t in this alleged interaction), it is simply unethical to do so (unless you’re negotiating “down,” which is to say, for less of what had been agreed to in the initial negotiation). And if someone sees nothing wrong, or at least nothing dodgy, about handing someone off to random third parties in the middle of a scene without prior agreement, they really shouldn’t be doing this kink thing until they get them some education.
Caveat: Any of these “rules” can be tossed aside if everyone has knowingly and explicitly consented. The problem is that these rules tend to come up and fall hardest especially on people new to the kink scene.
And while it is true that we have a personal responsibility to educate ourselves, all the studying and book-reading in the world cannot prepare us for how we are actually going to react and feel when the whip hits the fanny, or we kneel in front of someone for the first time. And the “first time” can mean the first smack or the first ongoing D/s dynamic.
Which is to say, that, frankly, new people should probably be discouraged from consenting around these rules. And, more importantly, veterans should be discouraged, and probably castigated, for encouraging new people to consent around these rules.
To me, these seem like obvious points. And yet, somehow, they need to be said in 2018.
Further reading:
Link to article on “Whataboutism”: https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whataboutis
