words: 3.5k
cw: general tpw trilogy warnings (mention of addictions and drugs, ch. 21, war)
!!! : english is not my first language so yeah, feel free to give advice and sorry for my mistakes <3 also it's my first time using this style, let me know if you enjoy it!
a.n.: I was planning of writing also about Daji and Jiang, but I realised I have too little context to write something reliable, so I'll just wait for the prequel or, if I feel like it, I might work on something a bit ooc. However is something I'll do in my free time if I feel inspired, so for now this is it, I loved writing this, hope you like this too
Altan Trengsin - passionate yet intimate
Altan’s love is pure fire, it runs deep into his core. He never knew what love was, never was he loved once but it hit him all of a sudden. You haven’t judged him for being a Speerly, nor saw him as a mere weapon, when you looked at him you just saw Altan, a boy who was forced to grow up faster than usual, you noticed how his eye colour shifted from red to brown, how his gaze get lost, how his jaw tightened when Tobi was making comments about his country, you noticed him for what he was. And so he slowly found himself falling for you. First it was after fights, he slowly approached you when it was your turn in the infirmary to check his wounds (except he never showed up before); then came Jun lessons, he always avoided having you as a sparring partner. At the same time you passed more and more free time together, after lessons, in the library, in Jiang’s garden,. Lastly it hit him, on a random day he realised the Phoenix was quiet, he was with you and the rage was gone, he suddenly allowed himself to smile. From then on he was always with you yet distant, he didn’t want you to feel uncomfortable from being the partner of “the last Speerly”, he couldn’t let you get through all of that; in public there were only stolen glances, light brushes of your hands and quiet time, whispers spread across Sinegard academy but nothing was confirmed, so it soon died. But in private, he was a starved man, he needed you, you became his centre, the only thing keeping him grounded, he loved you so much and yet didn’t understand, he hugged you, feeling your heartbeat and your warmth, you who never judged him, who always listened to him, you who started to feel like home when home was a word he thought he would never acknowledge again.
He wants you with him, he made that clear to everyone, when he was told to leave for the Cike he asked you to come with him, he needed you. Khurdalain is a war place, and Altan sometimes feels really sorry for dragging you here, when you’re surrounded by blood and misery, constantly in danger, yet he would never change his mind, mainly in this time. Warlords and generals were completely blind, not trusting the Cike and leading into dumb strategies. Cowards. They let him take all the guilt and hard decisions, he knows he should keep his calm, but it is getting harder and harder each day, the Phoenix screaming in his mind loudly. He feels his head hurting, pulsing with rage, chest tight and short breath. “Call her.” He breathes out, jaw tense. Qara stops her report, eyes wide when she senses the temperature of the room increasing, leaving with a small nod of acknowledgement, while he was turning on the pipe, already filled with opium. His mind is so lost that he nearly misses you entering the door, your hand slipping on his, pushing away the pipe from his mouth, taking it gently and putting it on the floor. “Altan,” you murmur, voice soft as you caress his cheek, forcing him to look at you “it’s fine, you’re fine”. His gaze burns into your skin, and all of a sudden he hugs you, head in the crook of your neck, sobbing like a child, while your hand roams on his back. And in the silence of that room, where the smell of opium lingers, it’s just the two of you, and the reality of that came crashing down; you were everything to him and he, he was Altan, just your Altan.
Chen Kitay - quiet yet deep
Kitay’s love is steady, it runs deep and it doesn’t need many words. He knew what love was in theory, yet he never really believed it was a thing in real life. It began like a simple friendship, classmates who helped each other at Sinegard, he was a nice shoulder to cry on when exams got difficult, ready to help you, and you, you became a constant in his life, something he hadn’t seen coming in his equation but couldn’t get rid of, and it was strange but he found himself unable to not like it. To not like you. You always supported his ideas, you listened to him rambling about some stuff he read and, what he loved most, you answered; you weren’t just listening to him bored, you were in the conversation, you asked, you add anecdotes and your point of view, and every time Kitay got lost in your eyes, shining as much as his own, your soft lips and red cheeks— he was gone. He really tried not to make it clear, not to ruin your friendship, but he couldn’t, not when you were constantly risking your life in the war, he couldn’t bear the thought of you leaving him without telling you at least once what he used to think was just a “book thing”. He loved you, he was sure of that and you were sure too. The two of you didn’t need words, you had each other, it was a love that ran deep, in the unspoken words, in the heavy glances, in the time spent together. You were his safe space, and he was yours, before, during and after the war.
He knows where to find you, after arriving at Arlong you often hid in a studio Vaisra got for the two of you, his young strategists. He knocks lightly before sliding in - not that you expected anyone else, just to respect your privacy -, a cup filled with some hot beverage in his hand. “Thought you might need a break” He sets the cup on the busy desk, away from the paper, careful not to spill anything on your work. You sigh grateful, stretching on the chair and finally raising your head to look at him while getting to take a sip. “Thank you” You murmur, lips on the cup, relieved by some hot drink “How was the meet?” His gaze meets yours and you can see the same tired look. “A mess, as always” He shakes his head defeated “They just don’t wanna listen” You nod in acknowledgement, pulling the chair by your side, his chair, inviting him to sit next to you. He just smiles and takes the place next to you, his head drops on your shoulder, exhausted. You just rest your head on top of his, your hand finding his and squeezing it gently, a simple reminder— you’re not alone. You close your eyes, that should be enough for you now, you are alive and together, no matter what. “We’re getting out of this mess together, I swear.”
Yin Nezha - obsessive yet soft
Nezha’s love is dangerous, it’s something he's afraid of, too powerful and beautiful to be deserved by someone like himself. He never experienced true love, he received cold words from his father, his mother and siblings were no better. Nezha grew up knowing he was one of the heirs of the Yin family and, most of all, he knew the role he had in Arlong, he knew he was propriety of a God. So he hated you when you weren’t scared of him, you had to be, after all he was just a monster. His skills in combat were mesmerizing, he was beautiful, he was powerful and rich, yet you weren’t afraid of pointing out whenever he was wrong, nor of replying when he was badmouthing Rin or Altan, defending them even if nobody asked you to. You started to become an obsession to him, why didn’t you run away, why weren’t you showing reverence to him like most of your classmates, what was wrong with you? On the other side you couldn’t stand him, such a stuck-up and arrogant boy, so you were genuinely shocked when you found him near the lake you use for swimming lessons, crying. You just wanted to run away and leave him be, it wasn’t your concern after all, however… You stayed and he yelled at you, yet he never really asked to go away and something shifted. His eyes were on you more often than not, he started noticing small things you were used to do, and he remembered them, things you mentioned suddenly were yours, and you on the other side found yourself listening to him, seeking him out. Nezha was soft with you like he was with no one, he cared yet he was scared to lose you and he would have been damned if he let someone hurt you, he was like a dragon treasuring his most precious jewel.
“Do you ever realise that you’re dating a monster?” His gaze is fixed on the running water of a small river under Arlong. You just sigh, so this is the reason he’s up in the middle of the night. “You should have woken me up.” You tell him softly, placing a hand on his shoulder. This conversation feels like a deja-vu; it got worse, from when you arrived in his city it got more and more common for you to wake up alone, bed beside you empty, while he had sneaked out after a nightmare. He still doesn’t turn your way, so you crouch next to him trying to get him out of his own mind “You’re not a monster, Nezha” You feel him tense up “And I love you, no matter what” His head snap to you, eyes wide, terrified “You’re not lying, are you?” His voice trembles, and in his eyes you can see a child, scared from what happened to him, scared of his own power, of what he is. You just smile. “I never lie to you, I love you” You repeat, lips soft on his forehead, and he just hugs you, tight. It almost hurts, but you let it be, he would never hurt you, you’re everything he treasures, you’re the only one -not even himself- not to hate him for what he is, he swore to himself you’ll be the only one to see his weak side and he would never allow himself to let you go.
Fang Runin - fiercely yet free
Rin’s love is hard to get, but once she fell, she fell harder than you could ever imagine. She was not used to love and mostly she saw it as a weak point, especially after being betrayed multiple times. Tikany never felt like home, nor did Sinegard, where everybody was constantly judging her for her skin, for her accent, for being her. The first time you approach her at Sinegard she snapped at you, thinking you were there to laugh at her face just because she put up a fight with the Yin Nezha, the student most admired in your year, yet you just looked at her smirking, “good job” you said, hand on her shoulder, and so you became a team. You were there when she started to study with Jiang, you went with her at Khurdalain staying by her side when she couldn’t use the fire, you were by her side after she called the Phoenix, being her stable point when everything felt overwhelming. Loving Rin wasn’t easy, she was fire and rage, hard to control and to understand, but you loved this side of her. When she allowed herself to love, Rin was free, like she’s never been before: she felt safe with you, able to be herself, no pressure, no expectations, just a girl, not a Speerly, not a weapon, not a monster nor a goddess. She didn’t want to fall for you, yet it was inevitable, she realised late you were becoming important to her, and when she acknowledged that it was already too late to back up. When the Phoenix was screaming in her mind, she was terrified to hurt you, but you always smiled at her, you were here to stay, no matter what. Soon she noticed everything was clearer when you were around, stopping her burning rage came easier when your life was at risk. Her love was burning, yet only with you she was able to be truly free to fall.
“Are you back already?” Your head snaps up, looking at Rin that just entered the room. She just huffs, as she drops on her camp bed. You snort “You shouldn’t get on your bed all sweaty and dirty” Rin just rolls her eyes in disagreement, yet she awkwardly gets off the bed, sitting on the floor, her back leaning on the bed while she faces you. “My dirty skin is probably more clean than anything that touched these sheets in the last decade” She states, slumped on the floor. “Is he still being an absolute asshole?” You ask, sitting next to her, no need of stating who you are referring to. “He’s so annoying, I swear, I can’t stand him” And so she starts rumbling about everything; at first it was just her training but as she keeps talking she goes deeper. She saw Kesegi, she saw how her people were being treated and she felt so fed up. “I just feel like… like I wanna burn all of this to the ground, it’s so unfair, I need my fire back” She murmurs, you just nod. You know how hard it’s for Rin to be kept away from her goddess, you know how much she’s suffering, you know part of her that nobody else will ever see. “We’ll get it all back” And you are sure of that, because no matter what, you’ll always help her, even when everything seems lost. She is fire, unstoppable , beautiful, and you want her to burn freely, because after all, Rin deserves to be what she wanted to be, and you would have fought everyone to allow her to be free.
Chaghan Suren - silent yet eager
Chaghan’s love is not easy to understand, it goes behind the material world, it runs deep in his spirit. Chaghan was astonished when he realised he was in love with you, yet he was the only one surprised, the Cike had already figured that out and Qara, she had known for a long time, wondering why it was taking him so long to understand that it was love. First he thought he hated you, you were free, cheerful, alive, and he, he couldn’t understand how someone could feel so real. Chaghan was used to travel in the spirit’s world, in a limbo where reality was just a dream, he knew most of the rules behind the universe, yet you were still a mystery in his eyes: why were you so alive, why you drowned his eyes to you, why did he feel the need of getting to know you, why was he so mad when other people got most of your attention? Then it clicked. He was complaining to Qara about you laughing with Baji and Ramsa, when he stopped mid sentence, eyes wide, and she knew he realised. She just laughed, while Chaghan stood there shocked. From then on he became your shadow, the two of you continued to bicker yet it was more soft, he had a different light in his eyes, the edge in his voice softer, he asked hexagrams about you. You noticed this change but you never spoke about this, you were already a couple, he just noticed late how the two of you were made for each other.
“Have you stopped admiring Trengsin?” Ramsa teases him “How are you not jealous of him?” He asks, turning his head to look at you. Chaghan rolls his eyes “She has no reason to be jealous of Altan” He says annoyed. The table falls in silence, all eyes on Chaghan who is sitting next to you, while it takes him a bit to understand how wrong his sentence sounded. You have nothing to be jealous of because the two of you aren’t anything, yet he doesn’t correct himself. He feels the looks of everyone on himself, but he just shrugs his shoulders with an annoyed “what?” and so Ramsa bursts out in laughs, while Baji and Suni whistles winking and Qara just smiles sympathetically at her brother, knowing well what is going on. You just stare at him, a smile lingering on your lips, while his hand finds yours under the table, squeezing it lightly. Chaghan doesn’t say anything else and the conversation moves on quickly, but you stay hand in hand, his eyes sometimes linger on you for longer than they should when you laugh louder, when you make a terrible joke, when you agree at a dumb bet. Only when everyone is too tired and falls asleep on the table, only then, you allow yourself to rest your head on his shoulder “So I don’t have to be jealous of Altan?” He just laughs “Oh I don’t know, we’ll see” He says, kissing your forehead softly. “Take a room you two lovebirds” You hear Qara says from the doorway, as she smiles at the two of you. Her brother just huffs, a smirk lingering on his lips, and you just laugh softly, getting closer to him, while he welcomes you in his arms. For everybody else the two of you are nothing, but between the two of you there is something deep, deeper than any meaning anyone could ever find between gods and spirits. Yes, Chaghan fell for you, and he did it hard.
Sring Venka - solid yet gentle
Venka’s love was hard, it was hard for her to acknowledge and to show it. She was stubborn and always carrying around an arrogant mood, it was hard falling for her. However, it was also the easiest thing to do once you get to know her under layers of aristocracy. At Sinegard she was cold, always around Nezha, unattainable, she was beautiful and ambitious, she had everything. You were with her in the second division, you saw what Venka had to go through and she hated you for that; every time you tried to speak to her or even be close, she acted like you had insulted her. Venka, on the other hand, just couldn’t stand that you knew everything about what happened to her, you saw her at her worst, when she was fighting for survival, not the perfect girl she was used to perform, and worst of all you were able to understand her. And that was terrifying. However you were a team, and as most of the times Kitay and Rin were working together, you and her were the other pair. At first it was impossible, but with time it worked, and it was working really well, in mutual acknowledgement, none of you bringing out the subject. Not until you woke up from a nightmare and Venka was there. You had a huge fight, and after that? The two of you were inseparable. Nobody ever knew what happened that night, you screamed at each other sure, but after that night you two were the couple. Love was a word both of you were afraid to use, yet you were sure of two things: getting what you have has been hard; whatever that was, it was feeling perfect.
The air is cold and the tents of the camp can do little to protect from the weather, especially after weeks of campaigning. “Still with that red stuff?” You ask Venka. She sits on a carpet made with some branches, holding a dirty fragment of mirror while applying a red tint on her lips. “What, jealous?” She snorts, eyes darting sharply towards you “You should try to take care of your appearance too” “It’s not going to make me survive this war” You huff absentmindedly yet suddenly you realise that something is off. Venka doesn’t answer coldly at your provocations like the two of you are used to, no, she just stares in front of her, gaze lost and you immediately understand her thoughts. It doesn't make you survive on the battlefield but it does make you survive. You kneel next to her, hand on her shoulder, the mood in the tent shifted. “You know” She starts “I think I have to keep my old antics, I wouldn't be me otherwise, would I?” And she smiles, turning her head to look at you in your eyes. Her smile is tired yet not completely false, she knows you understand what she’s thinking without the need to appear weak, she knows you’re well aware that she’s breaking yet you won’t force her to show her weaknesses, you always allow her to be comfortable however she likes to. “Yeah, I won’t probably recognise you” You answer, she just punches you slightly and the two of you start chuckling, sitting close to each other in the tent, and it is the calmest place you can be.
I love how Souji rounds out Runin in a way Kitay cant.
Kitay and Rin fight and plan battles based on numbers, not lives. Souji, however, based his methods on the lives affected. I just love to see Rin admitting she lacks attributes(consideration of the civilians) that make a good military officer while Souji actively has those attributes. And from there, the method in fighting can just bleed into Rin’s everyday existence.
It’s like Souji offers her a tid bit of humanity in fighting whilst Kitay offers sanity.
Chen Kitay //And maybe we got lost in translation//
a.n. from this ask "Hi! Thank you sm for making tha Kitay×reader fics🩷 amazing work and how you describe the feelings,, god it's so beautiful 🥹! Can I request a Kitay×Reader where Kitay it's jealous? Idk maybe reader spend a lot of time with someone (a soldier or another character) practicing and he just want spend the time with reader? I'm sorry if it's too much! :( thank you again! 🩷" thank you again for the request, hope you enjoy it!
genre: fluff (Chen Kitay x reader)
words: 1.8k
cw: general tpw trilogy warnings, jealous!Kitay, a bit of miscommunication 'cause I love it
!!! : english is not my first language so yeah, feel free to give advice and sorry for my mistakes <3
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At first it wasn’t much of a problem for Kitay. The campaign was approaching, you all have to be prepared so he didn’t complain much when you started getting busier than usual. When you weren’t on patrol, you were helping with supplies and weaponry or you were busy training. He was also taken from his researches, developing new machinery, so he didn’t notice at first: sometimes you came after a long patrol shift, doing small talks and then sitting in comfortable silence while watching him deep in his work, other times you pull him away to train together or you just lie with him awake before one of you had to get up for the patrol.
But then it stopped, it wasn’t all off a sudden, it was a slow shift he barely noticed initially.
You came to visit him sure, but it was always for little time, just a small hi and then you were already leaving. He didn’t think much of it, sure you were overloaded with work too, it was fine really.
Then he realised it had been almost a week from the last time you asked him to train together, and it felt strange, like something was off, were you alright? did something happen? He tried to confront you, that night he laid awake in the tent, waiting for you to come back before his shift, but when you arrived he was already heading out. He noticed you were sweaty, breath short and shoulders slumping.
“Is everything alright?” Kitay asked, a bit worried about the shift in your relationship.
“Yeah, just tired from training.” You murmured. He didn’t get to inquiry more, but his mind was full of questions. You were training hard till noon alone or were you with someone else? And if so, why haven’t you asked him to help? That shift was probably the longest shift of Kitay’s life, he couldn’t focus, his mind was always back to you, he just wanted to run back in the quarters and have a good talk with you to clear everything, to bring things back to normality. But that seemed not to be able to happen in the near future.
He thought more than once that he had never been so close to killing Vaisra.
The next few days Vaisra asked his attention more and more times, commitments seemed to multiply, war councils, developing requests, battle strategies, he barely had time to eat between a work and another, and he was already requested at Vaisra’s presence again. When he was finally able to get to the quarters he was so tired he fell asleep on the spot, not that you were up for a talk either, if you even were there.
Kitay was missing you for sure, but most of all he was worried that you were overworking yourself alone, drowning in errands; he saw that happening back at Sinegard and he helped you, he didn’t want to leave you face hard times alone, yet Vaisra seemed to think otherwise.
One thing Kitay didn’t know was that you were not alone. He realised that when he saw you, just for a fraction of second while running to the council room for a last minute convocation; you were busy talking with someone else, a guy, most probably one of the Republic soldiers, swords in your hand, heading out for training. He didn’t think much of it, yet a strange feeling surged in his guts.
From that moment it was like it happened more often for Kitay to see the two of you together, chatting and laughing, it didn’t bother him, really it didn’t, he tried to convince himself it was fine, you weren’t alone and either way he was too busy, so it was really fine.
Except it wasn’t.
He found himself unable to take sleep, gaze lost in his thoughts, were you with him? were you laughing like you used to when it was just the two of you? but most of all one question was stuck in his mind: why? He needed an answer and he decided he needed that now.
Kitay got up, his walk steady and fast to the Cliffs. It wasn’t the training ground reserved for the Republic soldiers, but it was where the two of you always went to train. While he was approaching the spot, Kitay was praying not to find you and that soldier together, he didn’t know why but deep down he knew it would have broken him. It felt nearly impossible to breathe, until he noticed he heard no sound getting closer and so breathing came a bit easier, when he arrived and saw no one there he let out a sight, his chest felt lighter for some reason, yet he still felt a sting. Sure you weren’t there, but you were not with him either, so were you still with that soldier?
He sat there, head up, eyes lost stargazing, while all the tiredness drowned him. He was missing you more than he could ever imagine. You were a constant in his life, since the first time you two met you stuck up together, there was nothing one did that was not followed by the other, Kitay never thought before now that you could have found someone else to spend time with. And he was jealous.
It was hard to admit, but he felt jealous of that Republic soldier who was with you, laughing, chatting, training, who could see the way your eyes brighten up and soft smile appeared on your lips, warm voice and red cheeks, he missed you more than he could have ever imagined he would have.
“You’re here, I couldn’t find you back in your room" His head snapped toward your voice.
And then you sit next to him, like nothing happened, like you were avoiding him.
“You were—” His voice cracked slightly “Were you looking for me?”
Your eyes narrowed, confused by his question.
“Sure, you’re always sound asleep when I come back from training with Qian”
He couldn’t speak right away. So you hadn’t forgotten him, you still knew his schedule, it was kind of a relief, but other questions clouded his mind. If you knew when he was free, why did you never come looking for him? why were you spending time with Qian instead of him?
“Oh I hope your train with Qian went well.” Suddenly he wanted to slap himself. His vice was harsher than he intended it to be, a small pout on his lips while his eyes were fixed on the ground in front of him, not able to look at you.
You blinked once. Twice. Eyes fixed on Kitay.
“Kitay…” You started, voice trembling like you couldn’t believe what you were going to say next “You are… Jealous” It wasn’t really a question and you both knew.
He stayed silent, cheeks getting warmer, the tips of his ears red. And suddenly you burst out laughing.
“I can’t believe you’re jealous of Qian!” You cried out, it feels so weird to you, like a bad joke that’s still able to make you laugh just because you can’t find any logic in it.
Kitay’s nose scrunched, clearly annoyed, finding none of that hilarious.
“Yeah, like you’re not avoiding me to stay with him” He said dryly “Maybe it’s better if you go back to him, I’m in no mood for jokes right now”
He got up ready to leave but your hand shot at the hem of his tunic, tugging the arm and stopping him. Your eyes wide, confusion flashing through, while you tried to understand the meaning behind his words. You weren’t avoiding him and surely you did not prefer Qian's presence to Kitay’s one, so what was he talking about?
“Please stay” You murmured unsure, ideas still messed up. You saw a fraction of doubt in his eyes and decided to clear it all right now “Let’s talk, please.”
Kitay might have been pissed off but he could never deny you of anything, not when you asked like this, like you too were on the verge of breaking down without him by your side. He sat by your side again.
Your hand which hadn’t left his tunic yet just slid in his hand, and for a second everything seemed back in its place.
“How are you?” You asked uncertainly, not knowing what to do. A faint smile appeared on his lips, tight sure, but it was there.
“Tired” He breathed out, only to add “I’ve missed you”. It wasn’t something he was supposed to say, it slipped out, like he couldn’t keep it for himself anymore. You felt your chest tight.
“Missed you too” You murmured back, as if it was a secret. His eyes found yours, both of yours drained out.
“Then why..?” You stared at each other, question hanging in the air. Your head tilted, did he not remember?
“Kitay, you know the last time I came to visit you while you were working on that, that, uhm that… thing?” He scoffed and nodded, trying to understand where this was leading “I asked you how was it going and you, well, you told me it was overwhelming, that you had so much to do you couldn't bear any additional work, so I just let you more free time” He froze next to you, while you continued, every piece slowly falling in place “You know, not bothering you while working so you could focus better, I stopped asking you to train together just to let you more time to rest but everytime I came back you were gone, busy with meetings or already at sleep, and I really wanted to stay with you but you seemed so busy I was afraid to make it worse.”
Kitay never felt so stupid in his whole life.
“You’ve done that for me?”
“Why else?”
Yeah, why else? Kitay thought that it was a really good question. And then he bursted out laughing, his chest suddenly felt lighter, laying down relieved.
“I’m so dumb” He stated, still half laughing, head turned slightly so his eyes were fixed on you while you chuckled lightly.
“Chen Kitay, I used to believe you were the smartest person alive, but it seems quite the opposite if you ever thought, even for a second, that somebody could ever take your place” You mumbled, laying too, head on his chest. His hand was still in yours, while his other arm rested on your waist, half hugging you.
“So will we go back to normality?” He asked quietly and you could feel his heartbeat accelerating, you let out a small laugh.
“Of course” Both of you smiled softly “I really missed you” You added after a bit.
“I missed you too, a lot.” Kitay said. What he didn’t say was that he never thought he could miss a person so much and it scared him, he realised he needed you in his life and he never wanted to share you with anyone else ever again. His grip tightens on you.
“So, were you really jealous of Qian?” You teased him as he just let a low grunt faking annoyance.
Kitay never said that out loud but he knew the answer was only one. Yes.
cw: general tpw trilogy warnings, this takes place after the end of the first book, so it contains spoilers of tpw, while nothing is said about tdr and tbg
!!! : I am aware that Kitay is confirmed aroace by author herself but I needed comfort for him, so yeah I tried to make respect Kitay character and making readable both romantic and platonic so its a reader choice how to read this; english is not my first language so yeah, feel free to give advice and sorry for my mistakes <3
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The ship was lulling you in the dark of the night, yet no relief was given by that apparent calm. You were worried about the Cike, especially Rin and Chaghan, after what happened on Speer, after Altan died, there was no safe place if the two of them were together. At least Chaghan had Qara, that was what you repeated to yourself to make it better; on the other hand Rin had, well, she had the opium but the fact only made you worry more about her. She was rarely sober and when she was, Rin looked like she was already dead, unless she was arguing with Chaghan or Kitay.
Chen Kitay.
You sighed. Kitay was probably the one who worried you the most. He wasn’t suffering for Atlan’s death, nor he had God inside his mind to fight, yet he had his own beautiful mind. You were able to see it in his eyes, the few times you get to look at him on the ship’s bridge, when his gaze was lost somewhere else, his brain had to know how many people - innocents, women, children - died on Mugen, and how many more were going to die for this war, deep in his mind he knew this was just the beginning, that thousands of innocents were going to die for what they just did. Of course his mind had already calculated that, and you could see how that knowledge was killing him.
You were close to Kitay at Sinegard, not like him and Rin, but you often studied together, and you grew closer after Rin started taking lore class with Jiang, even more after Golyn Niis, since then you became one of the people he trusted the most. Or so you thought. Until now.
You stared in the dark at the ceiling of your cabin. Kitay hadn’t talked to you since Mugen. To be true he talked to no one. And you were scared for him, you knew how terrifying his mind could be at some times, beautiful yes, but terrifying, and you saw it was killing him.
It took you just a few more seconds to realise you had enough. You remember how he comforted you at Golyn Niis, his face pale, hands trembling, but not breaking down because of you, to protect you, while you were having flashbacks of the massacre, the voices of Mugenese soldiers calling you with loud slurs; you remember how he held you when you felt burned out during exams session at Sinegard, when you had nightmares during the Third Poppy War, when you needed human touch to still feel alive. He had always been there for you. And you need to repay your debt now. You want to. Tears started running down while all you could think was that you wanted your Kitay back, you needed him, and you were damned if you let him destroy himself like this.
You wiped tears off of your face and suddenly jumped off the bed. No, you would have taken him back, no matter what, you could not leave Chen Kitay alone.
The door slammed and you rushed down the narrow corridor to reach his cabin. Deep at night most of the Cike were sound asleep, only the one on the guard shift would have been awake on the ship’s bridge, no one was there to see you hurry to his room, hair messy, eyes wide. It wasn’t hard for you to find his cabin, the ship wasn’t big enough to have that many bedrooms, and you learned where Kitay was staying. Just in case.
Once at his door you stood there, uncertain on what to do next: what if he was asleep? most likely not, you knew he was having trouble getting rest; what if he didn’t want to see you? what if he was angry at you too? what if you weren’t able to help him like he helped you? what would you have done then?
You took a deep breath. In and out. You knocked, quietly. No one answered. You tried again, a bit harder, you hoped not enough to wake him up, but enough to make sure he heard it.
“I already told you, I have nothing to say to you all.” The voice came muffled with the door closed, but still you were able to hear the annoyance in his voice, like he had this conversation multiple times.
You stare at the door. Maybe you should leave. Or maybe he just didn’t want to talk to the Cike, Rin’s soldiers. But you weren’t one of them. You were a soldier of the Empire, you were in the Second division with him, you were his classmate, his friend.
“Kitay, it’s me please…” You muttered, trying to keep your voice still.
You could hear the rustling sound of paper being moved around, his steps and the lock snap, then he opened the door. You two stared at each other, not really knowing what was right to say in a moment like this, so you just took time watching him like it was your first time. His once curly hair was now a shaggy mess on his head, his round eyes and cheekbones accentuated by the side effects of insomnia and poor eating, which was confirmed by heavy dark circles under his eyes and the way the uniform fit oddly loose. You expected him to ask you to go away, however he just stood there, staring like he couldn’t believe you were really at his door.
“May I come in?’” You ask quietly, scared to break that strange calm. He looked taken aback. “Just to talk, if you want to…” You try, deep inside praying he’ll let you in.
Kitay said nothing, he moved to the side and gave a small nod, but that was enough for you. When the door closed a tense silence surrounded the two of you, a silence filled with apprehension and unspoken words. You took a step closer, the cabin was already small enough for you to not be too far, but as you entered he stood next to the door, keeping distance between your bodies; however he didn’t step back, that reassured you a bit and so you took all the courage and worry you had in yourself, placing a hand on his sunken cheek.
“You’re real” He breathed out and, as a spell broke, tears started running down his face as he tugged you in a desperate embrace. “You’re real” he continued muttering, as his hug grew tighter, like he wasn’t able to believe it.
It was hurting you a bit, but you couldn’t be happier in his arms and he felt so alive in that moment, so human, so himself.
“I’m here Kitay, I’m sorry for taking too long…” You wanted to sound steady, but words came out trembling while you were fighting yourself not to cry, chest heavy with regret for not reaching him out before, but now you had to be strong for him.
Once he calms down, you sit on his bed, side to side, like you already did a lot of time before, when you needed each other warm to keep yourselves grounded. However, you knew something was still off “Kitay, please talk to me”. His eyes were lost somewhere else, lost like you had seen him plenty of times after Mugen.
“They were human beings, they were not monsters” He started with a shaky voice “They were innocents, we killed them, and the refugees, the soldiers still in Nikan’s territory, Rin doesn’t want to accept it, but it’s not an end it’s just the start, a lot of people are going to die again and again, I don’t know if I can do this, please, tell me I won’t have to acknowledge something like that again, please” Your heart broke because no, you could not reassure him, you weren’t able to lie straight at him and he already knew the truth, he just didn’t know how to face that.
He continued muttering words, faster and faster, like he couldn’t keep up with his own mind, completely lost in his thoughts, his body shaking violently, and you did the only thing you felt right doing. You hugged him.
His arms closed once again around you making it feel natural, you were able to hear his breath trying to slow down, your smell, your heat, you, was enough to ground him. For now that would have been enough, that was the only thing existing in the world for the two of you now.
Time passed and sleep had always been easier to get when you were together, so you slowly started slipping into unconsciousness, one in each other's arms.
“Thank you” You heard Kitay whisper, you just smiled and hugged him tighter, pressing your face closer to his chest feeling his heartbeat spike up, probably not expecting you to be still awake. He just leaned into you and that was enough for you, because with Chen Kitay you didn’t need words, you could feel it from how he was keeping you close, his hand stroking your back, his face buried in your hair and lips pressing lightly on your forehead.
That was enough because you both knew the meaning of that.
You’re the one who makes me feel real, you’re my ground and my faith. I can’t help but love you.
Chen Kitay //I'm the only one that hasn't walked out, I'm right here//
a.n. from this ask "Oh my god, finally someone else who writes TPW fanfiction 😭😭 Can I request something about Kitay x reader where the reader would have gone through an extremely traumatic experience during the war? If you're not comfortable writing about it, you can ignore it!! (Sorry for the poor English, I'm using a translator 😭)", sorry for taking so long but I started uni again and I'm buried with classes, however read the content warnings!!! please <3
genre: angst, hurt/comfort (Chen Kitay x reader)
words: 2.1 k
cw: general tpw trilogy warnings, spoilers (?) tbg, mention of sa and ch. 21, we hate Souji and love Venka (sorry not sorry)
!!! : english is not my first language so yeah, feel free to give advice and sorry for my mistakes <3
---
Going back to normal after fighting in a war was very difficult, it was impossible actually. But no one has time to recover during it, and you were no exception. Sometimes flashbacks were hard to deal with, others you were able to live with them shoving them deep in the back of your mind.
However it was getting harder and harder not to get lost in your own mind during the hellish campaign in the South, keeping up with Rin in the last time was getting more difficult every day passing by, Venka had just returned after being sent undercover in the North, while you and Kitay were working off day and night to try to make things work and not let everything crumble in pieces, years spent training at Sinegard were paying off, but they didn’t prepare you all for what war really is, and definitely not how to cope with the aftermath.
You were close to Tikany, just a few more small cities and you would reach the capital of the South, Rin’s hometown. It was getting more and more exhausting with each day passing by, sure you were having victories over victories against the Federation, yet there was something off, an unsettling atmosphere you were all able to feel. Every time you were discussing plans with Rin, Kitay and Souji there were new arguments; Rin was on edge for every single word said, Kitay was always trying to make her reasoning and not start an internal fight, you were mediating Souji’s advices struggling with diplomacy, while the latest appeared to be satisfied with causing troubles and making you all nervous, and you were the one who had to deal with his smug arrogance, while on the other side Kitay tried to deal with Rin’s temperament.
Today was another one of those awful meetings.
Rin was furious, yelling at Souji while he laid back in his seat relaxed, smiling almost pleased with that outcome. You shot a glance at Kitay, your relationship has always been deep, you were able to understand each other without the need of words, he knew you like his own skin and the same was for you, so you immediately understood what you needed to do. Taking away Souji and trying to keep his favour and alliance, while he tried to make Rin calm down.
You nodded slightly to let Kitay know you were fine with the plan and hurried to take Souji's wrist.
“We’re going outside to let you figure it out undisturbed”
It wasn’t something new, you had done it multiple times, it was your main role to maintain alliances and work on diplomacy, in the group you were the most skilled in, yet you could sense that something was off.
Kitay’s eyes darted between you and Souji, brows frowned and jaw tightened, you shot a questioning look at him, hand loosening slightly the grip on the wrist, not understanding his sudden change.
“Are you bothered, Kitay?” Souji inquired, smile bright on his lips as his hand interlocked with yours, leaving you confused by his abrupt fondness.
“No, I assume I’m not, you can go” Kitay sounded unsure, but you had no time to question him and it wasn’t even the right moment to do it, so his words should have been enough for now, you could have settled things later.
You felt Souji tugging you along, leading outside, while you crossed your gaze with Kitay one last time before he turned his attention to Rin and you went outside, his look still unsettled and thoughtful, shoulders tense and lips tight, like he was forcing himself to not act on impulse.
It was strange and what was worse was that Kitay rarely was wrong.
You felt uneasy, immediately every feeling seemed to be amplified, you tensed, aware of the strong hold Souji’s hand had on yours, the silence was loud in your ears, as your steps were the only sound around, your breath grew heavier, your eyes darted around even if you weren’t sure what you were looking for.
It was too calm, and that was never good, not for your senses used to constant battles.
“You know, sometimes your friends are really bothering” Souji broke the silence with an overly coated voice "Especially Kitay, a mediocre strategist if I dare, I don’t know why you keep him in the team.”
“Kitay is a good strategist and friend” You asserted, irritation burning at the pit of your stomach, while you attempted a stretched smile. You took a deep breath, diplomacy, you had to remind yourself, you were here to keep good relations with Souji, he was fundamental for your campaign in the South.
“Friend you said?” You turned to him confused, the smile was even brighter than before on his face, eyes mischievous and his voice seemed pleased.
“Yes, friend” It wasn’t a lie, he was a good friend, but it wasn’t even the whole truth and you didn’t like how he was questioning your relationship with Kitay. It was something intimate, you never figured it out loud together, it was something deep, something just between the two of you and you didn’t want to explain it to a near stranger.
You tensed up something was off, really off, but you couldn’t really tell what. It was silent, too silent, no one was around you, you felt the sudden urge to scream or run away but you couldn’t, not when you had to be pleasant and friendly with him, yet you still tried to pull away, moving toward a more frequented site.
“What’s wrong? You’re free to have fun, aren’t you?” His grip shot to your wrist holding you closer while his other hand went to your hips pulling you hard closer. It was wrong, really wrong.
Your senses were on full alert mode, heart thrumming in your ears, eyes looking for a way out, you wanted to react but you were frozen on the spot, and the worst thing was that you knew that feeling, you knew it too damn well, since Golyn Niis.
“Souji get off” You tried to keep your voice stern, but he only laughed it off.
“Come on, you need to get some fun” He pulled you closer, you could feel his breath hot on your cheeks.
“Get the fucking off of me” You repeated, voice firm, as your hand flew to his chest, trying to push him away.
“You should be more lovely with me, what if I decide to break the alliance?” You stopped in the motion. “You think I didn’t know that? Their little diplomatic, you don’t want to let them down, do you?”
Your eyes widened, locking with his own and he was smiling charmed by your reaction, you both knew he was right. However you also knew your friends, you had to defend yourself, it was more important than any war plan, they would get it. Your gaze hardened, and you can see the smile on his face faltering.
“I said” You kicked low and firm, your knee colliding with his weak spot “Get the fuck off”
Souji bent forward yet his grip didn’t waver, instead he threw you on the ground.
“You bitch!” Souji's yell broke the silence, yet he wasn’t angry, he was laughing. “You sure have fight in yourself, it would have been wasted on that boy”
You hated how he was talking about you, and even more how he was talking about Kitay, yet you were frozen on the ground, flashbacks filling up your mind.
Souji’s voice got lost in the background, while all you could hear were the insults of the Mugenese soldiers, you could feel hands on your body, slaps across your face, all you could see were mutilated bodies, corpses and blood. It was too much, you couldn’t discern real life from the past anymore, voices and hands were mixing together, your body was trembling, curling up on the dirty street, and you felt nauseous, the smell of decomposing bodies and carnage coming back to your senses, everything was confused.
You felt a hand on your cheek and your first impulse was to scream, your hand flew on him trying to push him away, but his hand remained firm on your face strangely warm and grounding.
“Look at me, please, you’re safe now” You recognised the voice, it felt safe, your hand stopped as you tried to focus again on the present.
“It’s fine, just focus on me, I’m right here” Your breath calmed down, still heavy but regular, your body loosen a bit, as your eyes were fixed on the person in front of you.
“Kitay” You breathed out, his lips curved in a tired smile.
“Welcome back, you’re safe now” His voice was soft, but his gaze was sorrowful.
“It was Golyn Niis, I saw them, the bodies, it was—” Your voice trailed off, lost once again in your mind. On the other hand Kitay tensed up, he knew well what you were talking about.
“You’re here now, we’re here, it all ended”
“It never ends, it’s always here, in the back of my mind, I can’t run away”
Your eyes locked together and you knew he could understand your thoughts, he was the only one who always understood you at first glance.
“I shouldn’t let you go with him” He murmured, placing his arm around your body helping you get up. “Let’s go inside, Venka will take care of him.” He didn’t dare saying Souji’s name, not trusting himself not to go back and continuing to hit him like he was doing just a few minutes ago.
His body was warm against your own, it was comforting and you could feel yourself slowly grounding back. Kitay always felt safe to you, and now it was the only thing keeping you from breaking down at the weight of your own mind, while he led you steadily through the small alleys, arriving at your quarter. You had to stop mid-walk a few times as you felt retching and threw up, memories still taunting your mind, Kitay keeping you steady until you were feeling good enough to move on.
“We’re here” He spoke softly, breaking the silence between the two of you “Do you want to stay alone?”
Your gaze shot at him, hand gripping his tunic, panic surging while your body and mind were feeling the need of having him near, having someone who could understand you and you trusted blindly.
“Stay” His features softened, placing a kiss on your forehead.
“I’m right here, and I’m not going anywhere unless you ask me to” He guided you inside, reaching your bed, and made you sit down, as he took place next to you, his hand placed on your thigh.
“I’m sorry, I ruined the only chance for an alliance with the Iron Wolves” You spit out, words sounding stupid when you let them out, but you needed to say that and Kitay didn’t stop you.
“I tried hard to be pleasant, I wanted to be perfect, but then his hands on my body, his voice, his smile” You had to take a sharp breath, disgusted from the image of him in your head and Kitay had to recall all of his self control to let you continue, he was sure Venka would have done a great work but he wished he was the one taking revenge for once.
“And it was Golyn Niis again, I saw the carnage, I could hear their screams all over again, and I couldn’t do anything, again. Their eyes on my body, their laughters at the massacred bodies as blood was everywhere and, and the smell, I could still recall the nauseous smell of those corpses”
You felt his arms around you, taking you in a warm hug, calming your trembling which had started all over again, the fabric covering his shoulders getting wet while tears ran from your eyes without you noticing, his hand keeping you close caressing your nape.
He let you cry and vent, listening to everything you tried to shut in the back of your mind for so long, flashbacks coming in waves but he was always ready to get you back on the surface, not letting you drown in your own mind.
“You don’t have to deal with it all by yourself, you know it right?” He sighed and you finally took a look at him. He was evidently tired, eyes red and watery, brows frowned as his grip grew firmer on you, as to underline that he was there with you.
“Thank you” You murmured, melting in his embrace.
It wasn’t the end, war marked you deep, more than you can explain, but it would be fine for now as long as your mind was shut and you were together.
idea I just got out of nowhere, should I post the oneshots I'm writing about the poppy war on ao3 too? does it make sense? Idk, I'm having this random thought and I'm actually a bit scared because I never published on ao3 before, but it would be cool to try it and I already have three kitay x reader and one altan's uploaded here I just need to understand how to use ao3 and upload those there too...
