Dunder Mifflin Meets Intelligence AKA
Volomag and Vodka Part 2
Warnings: swearing, mention of vomit, numerous times, pranks
Written by @anotheronechicagobog
A/N I hope you guys laugh at this as much as I did writing it. The pranks are from a show called “The Office U.S.”, I do not own that or One Chicago Also, Kevin’s sister Vinessa makes an appearance
Whoever coined the term ‘morning sickness’ deserves a slow and painful death. Kim thought bitterly as she was hugging the toilet at ten at night. “Kim? I made you some ginger tea and I got you a glass of water.”
“I fucking love you.”All Adam could do was laugh as he sat on the edge of the bathtub and gathered Kim’s hair in one hand and rubbed his hand up and down her back. Kim let out a grateful hum before her stomach lurched again. The gruesome sound of Kim spewing more stomach acid (because let’s face it, there’s nothing else left for her to throw up) into the porcelain toilet bowl.
Several minutes later Kim felt better, not good, but better. She felt okay enough to get off the floor. She stood up and grabbed the glass of water Adan had brought her from the sink counter and washed out her mouth before grabbing her toothbrush to complete the process of removing the acidic bitterness from her mouth. By the time she raised the mug of tea to her lips it was cold. “Thank you, Adam. For everything.” Her eyes met his in the mirror as he came up behind her to wrap his arms around her middle. “No thanks is necessary. This feels like a dream come true.”
“Really?”
“Yes. I... I don’t think that I’ve been this happy in a long time. I know that we’ve had our issues, but I love you. I have for years. Even when we broke up, I can’t stop. Even if I wanted to.”
“I love you too.” And she did. She might not know where she stands with him right now, she might not want to be labelled as his girlfriend right now, but she does love him. Dating after Adam was hard because she was always comparing them. No matter who they were or how much she tried to stop it, none of them came even close to the bar that Adam had raised. “C’mon,” he kissed the crown of her head, “let’s go to bed, we’ve got work in the morning and you might wake up a few more times in the night.” She smiled softly as he guided her towards her bedroom.
They hadn’t moved in together, but they were looking for a place. Three bedrooms. One for the baby, and one per adult. Adam and Kim, they had such a dramatic history, that they weren’t actually sure how to handle it. They wanted to have this baby, they wanted to parent together, they just weren’t sure if they should be in a relationship while doing so. It was a complicated situation, but they were doing their best to make it work.
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The next day Kim was standing behind the desk at the 21st district. It was a... Unique change, because despite her bubbly personality, she’d managed to be grumpier than Trudy was behind the desk. It had absolutely nothing to do with the work, the officers, or the civilians, and everything to do with her pregnancy symptoms. Nausea and soreness kept her awake at night, causing her to be exhausted and in need of coffee, but she can’t have coffee! And on top of all that, people were constantly bringing food in that thrust her into a constant state of “if I don’t keep my mouth closed I’m going to hurl on everything in front of me, yes I have tried ginger ale, saltines, and ginger tea, and no, none of them have worked”. She was excited to be a mom but she was ready to behead somebody.
“Hey mama, how are you holding up?” Trudy, yes she was letting Kim call her by her first name now, had become her saving grace. Since Kim was covering the desk Trudy was free to do work in the back office and go on patrol. In return, Trudy was making sure Kim always water, Gatorade, and Polish beef barley soup (it was the only thing that didn’t make her hurl). “I haven’t disintegrated anyone with a glare today, so good.”
“Ha! Well, I brought another blue raspberry one for you. I’m gonna head out with Tay for the day since O’Donnel is out sick today.”
“I’m so glad that you were able to get her assigned to 21 again. I missed her.”
“Spare me the love fest, Burgess.” Her tone may have been snappy but the smile on her face and light in her eyes gave away just how happy she was. “Have a good day Sargent.”
“You too.”
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Hailey and Vanessa had been keeping her up to date with all the goofiness of intelligence. All the jokes and all the pranks. When they noticed that Kim looked like she was going to cry, scream, and throw up, they figured they should do something to cheer her up. And since nothing ridiculously funny was happening on its own, they decided to make it happen, with some inspiration from one Jim Halpert.
First, they decided to try one of Vanessa’s favourites. The vending machine prank. They grabbed all of the small knick-knacks from the guys’ desks (excluding Voight because they didn’t have a death wish) and convinced the vending machine guy to let them put them in the vending machine. Adam’s Groot bobblehead, name plaque, and Chicago Bears bouncy ball, in places C4, D2, and H7 respectively. Kevin’s Chicago Blackhawks hockey puck, large globe pencil sharpener, and small Chicago bears teddy bear, in places A6, I3, and F2. Jay’s magic 8 ball, Deadpool figurine, and ‘cereal killer’ spoon, in places G5, D9, and A3.
Second, they moved Kevin’s desk into the bathroom. Phones, computers all plugged in. And aside from the items in the vending machine, all were where they normally were on Kevin’s desk. Vanessa even placed all of his files in order and each spine of the folder a couple of centimetres forward each level. So it looked kind of like a staircase made of folders, and that was how he always did it, according to Vanessa. That earned the dark-haired woman a knowing chuckle from Hailey who, Vanessa reminded, really didn’t have room to talk.
Third, they moved Jay’s desk into the corner of the bullpen, where Al’s used to be, and put a large navy blanket over it. Figuring that was enough to keep his desk out of sight. Together, with some scrap wood from one bewildered Matt Casey, they wrapped the pieces of wood together in such a way that they imitated a desk, a chair, a computer monitor, a phone (that one was a pain), his file divider, pencil cup, pencils and pens, and stacks of files. They were both so proud when the got to look at the finished product.
Fourth, Hailey had gone to a hardware store and gotten a spool of red wire. She plugged on end into Adam’s monitor before placing the wiring with tape along the front of his desk, the floor, all around the edge of the break room, out into the bullpen again, before going down the hallway to the interrogation room, up the wall across from the gun safes, attached to a plastic tub filled with neon coloured ping pong balls. This one went a little off-script, but they were both excited to see how it would turn out.
Fifth and finally, they took the containers out of the fridge that they had made first so that the contents would have time to solidify. Taking off the lids of the three containers, the two women flipped them over quickly onto plates. Thankfully the jello stayed completely intact, each confection clearly showing the mugs inside.
Giggling they stood back and high fived, feeling good and excited for the next day. A heavy cough interrupted them from their internal praise and sense of accomplishment. “Sargent. Hi. What are you doing here so late? We don’t have a case.”
“I was about to ask you two ladies the same thing Upton.” The two women looked at each other and sighed, knowing they were caught, Hailey answered.
“We were setting up pranks for the guys.”
“Don’t you two think that’s a bit childish?”
“It’s to cheer Kim up. She’s been so stressed, and the pregnancy symptoms have been so awful that we thought she needed a good laugh. Plus, it’s not like the guys will get mad at us. Adam and Kevin will go puppy-eyed once they realize this was all for Kim, and Jay’s in love with Hailey so he won’t be mad at her, and he can’t be mad at me if he isn’t mad at her since we came up with all of this together.”
“Hey! He doesn’t... Whatever,” she muttered when she saw the look Voight gave her, “Plus, we didn’t do anything that involved your office, your stuff, or you.”
“... Alright. At least there’ll be some entertainment to distract from the boredom of spending all day doing paperwork. Now get out of here, get some sleep, you have to be back here in five hours.”
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“... Where is my desk?”
“Forget that, why is mine wrapped up like some kind of present?”
“Mine looks fine... But different? Does that even make sense?”
“I’m gonna need coffee if I’m gonna deal with whatever th fuck this is.”
“Start a big pot, Kev.”
“Hey what is this red wire? And duct tape?”
“It’s a computer, Ruzek. It has wires.”
“Thank you for your sarcasm Rojas, but seriously, what is going on? And why are your and Hailey’s desks normal?” Hailey pulled out her phone and started recording Adam as he unplugged the red wire and pulling it up. The duct tape came up with a sticky ripping sound. Everyone watched closely and angeled themselves to get a better look as the tape lifted up from the bullpen floor and continued into the breakroom, Adam growled in frustration as he exited the breakroom pulling the wire up just after he had entered and gone in a circle. Everyone followed him curiously as he went down the hall to the interrogation room, just as Jay was about to shout out an agitated question, the tape went up the wall. When Adam gave a final tug, the last bit of tape came off the wall, but he’d also pulled the rest of the wire, at what it was connected to, down to him. Causing started gasps and shouts from the guys as 100 neon ping-pong balls rained down from the ceiling all over them. “Okay seriously, what was that?!” Hailey, Vanessa, and Voight were all in the background enjoying the show.
“Wait, wait... Do you hear that?” The shouts stopped and everyone strained their ears to listen to what Kevin was pointing out. A desk phone ringing. From the men’s bathroom. Voight subtly took Hailey’s phone to continue the recording. “What the hell?!” Kevin, Adam, and Jay had found Kevin’s desk in the bathroom. Looking confused as hell he looked to his brothers before picking up the phone. “... Hello? Oh, hi Vinessa. Listen I’m gonna have to call you back, something’s going on at work. I love you okay? Say ‘hi’ to auntie for me... Okay, I’ll tell Kim you say ‘hi’. Bye.” He hung up the phone before sitting down and stretching his arms out over his desk. Almost nothing is out of place. “What the ACTUAL fuck?! And where is my hockey puck?!”
“Okay, now I’m even more curious as to why my desk is wrapped up like a birthday present.” Numbly nodding their heads all the men left the bathroom and cornered Jay’s desk. Vanessa had Hailey’s phone and she watched with her boss and roommate as they did their best not to blow their cover. Jay shook his head, puzzled at the state of his desk before putting his arm on his desk and plopping down in his chair... Everything immediately collapsed. Leaving the girls pushing back tears as Jay tried to stand up in the sea of slippery wrapping paper and wood. “Fucking hell someone please tell me that the coffee is done.” He looked like Bambi on ice trying to get up as Kevin hollered from the breakroom, “pot’s done! And thank fucking God for that! Hey! Why is my hockey puck in the vending machine?!” Hailey and Jay followed the crowd in last, Hailey having to help her partner get up. They entered and Adam looked like he was about to blow a gasket. “My name plaque! Groot! Who- Why would someone do this?!”
“Who the fuck put Deadpool in the vending machine?! And where is my desk?!”
Taking shaky breaths all the boys muttered the holy word; “coffee.” Kevin went to get the creamer when he stopped dead in his tracks. Three thuds later, and each of the boys’ favourite mugs were on the counter, floating in piss yellow jello. “Why is my mug in jello?”
“I washed these last night! First the ping-pong balls and now this?!” Adam reached into the jello and pulled his mug out, the jiggly substance still visible inside the mug. The two pranksters (and witness) burst into tear-jerking laughter. Hailey snatched her phone back and sloppily emailed the video to Kim before the boys could stop her. “O-oh - oh m-y- Fu- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
“You two did this?!” The girls quickly got off the floor and hauled ass to the women’s bathroom. The lock clicked just as the guys reached the door. “Hey!”
“Get out here now!”
“What did we do to deserve this?!” Their voices were lost in a mixture of laughter and yelling. Hailey and Vanessa were curled up on the floor hugging their stomachs and each other as the laughter became painful.
Suddenly the yelling stopped, and their boss’ voice made it’s way to the two hyenas. “I think it’s time to explain, ladies.” They took deep breaths, their laughter finally coming to an end. They untangled themselves and stood up, but didn’t dare leave the sanctuary of the ladies’ room. “Kim’s been really sad lately. We wanted to cheer her up.”
“And you thought that pranking us was the best way to do it, Hailey?!”
“Yeah, Jay. We all get a kick from joking around now and then, and she’s told Vanessa and I numerous times that sending pics and videos of funny work mishaps brightens her day.”
“We just wanted her to smile again, guys. She constantly looks like she’s about to burst into tears or rip someone’s throat out with her teeth.”
“... Fair enough. I know that this has been hard for everyone, but Kim and I really appreciate your support.” The click of the lock and squeeze of the door had Jay looking into the delighted eyes of his favourite person and... he wasn’t angry. He’d calmed down when they were talking about Kim, but seeing Hailey smile? Really, truly smile? He’d do anything for that. Vanessa stepped out of the way, and into Kevin as Jay wrapped Hailey in his arms, tucking his face into the crook of her neck.
“Kim is my best friend.”
“Hey!”
“Shut it, Adam. Kim is my best friend. Thanks for caring about her.”
“Don’t thank me, it was really, really fun.” And just like that, the intense emotional mood was broken. Causing laughter, from everyone this time, to reign supreme.
“As much as I love this... I’ll call it team bonding and get HR paperwork on hand, we have a desk day today. And we all need to work. So let’s put Atwater and Halstead’s desks back in their rightful places.”
“Okay seriously, where did the two of you put my desk, Hails?”
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The signature footsteps of Trudy Platt raced up the stairs to the intelligence bullpen, drawing all eyes to her. “Can any of you explain why Kim had to excuse herself to the back room to roll on the floor laughing?”
