KT AUGUST 2016 EVALUATION // reflection time with coach min
"i’m young and there’s a lot i’d like to try, and i hope you’d look upon me favorably.”
- day 481 of ktent
four hundred and eighty eight days into her training at kt, and she still has so much to learn. there’s so much she wants to try and lots of areas of expertise that she wants to explore deeper. but it’s always hard to convey what she wants and how she envisions herself being in the future, especially to such a big company like kt. most of the time, decisions are always made by the staff, dismissing the thoughts and endeavours of trainees and idols alike. oddly though, this month the evaluation has been set to be centered on growth and plans. has she ever thought of what she wanted to do for kt specifically? probably not.
staying on her seat as other trainees scatter out of the room, she waits until the room is completely empty except for her and her trainer. clicking her pen and putting it inside her pencil case, she rises from her seat and beelines for the teacher. “min-seonsaeng, can i talk to you for a second?” giving her a small smile, the young rapper waits for a response. it’s hard not to overthink at times where she’s required to reflect over her growth and achievements. a nagging thought at the back of her mind always tells her that she’s not accomplishing enough. as much as that is a fuel, it also gets her down at times.
“yeah seungmi, what’s up?” the teacher looks at her with a broad smile, his snapback on backwards. lyric writing is something she’s taken for a while alongside her rap classes, hoping to wow everyone with her ability to write impressively. classes are always interesting and challenging, and she cannot express in words how grateful she is to have coach min as her guide.
“can i do the reflection with you? this month’s evaluation is a bit different, as you probably know already... and i feel like you’ll be a great listener to my current train of thoughts.” small smile on the young female’s face, she folds her arms on the table. in her head, there are already a few questions she’d like to ask, and a few ideas she’d like to propose.
“of course. you can start talking and i’ll listen to what you have to say first.” with an encouraging nod, the older woman tells her to begin. a torrent of thoughts quickly fill her mind and she finds it hard to sort everything into coherent pieces of information she can easily break down. humming, she scratches the side of her cheeks.
“so far i feel like kt has been a great decision i took. training here has allowed me to improve in a lot of skill areas, and i will never forget how thankful i feel right now. there are times when i thought i should give up, but i realized that giving up in the middle will only make me a quitter.
the staff asked us to tell our coaches how we envision our future with the company. i say, i can imagine myself as an in-house producer. i know it sounds silly, but i’ve been having tons of fun writing lyrics lately, and i hope to be able to use all the midi recorders and learn about chord progressions in the future. that’s why i hope i can get your insight on this coach min.”
a proud smile blooms on the older female’s face, and the rapper can’t help but smile along. no matter how much she improves in dancing and singing, her passion rests within the magics of writing and creating. you can give her the choice of being a great dancer or a slightly better lyricist than she already is, and she’d pick the creation over the expertise.
“with your progress so far, i can see producing becoming one of your fortes. it’s still a long way though, and i hope you’ll stay long enough with the company to see your dreams come true. for now, i feel like you’ll need to put a hundred percent to your idol training and make sure you’re not well behind others. won’t want a rapper be ashamed in front of the public won’t we?”
her words causes her to smile, and she nods. “i supposed so.” out of all her seniors so far, no one has really dwelled deeper into the arts of creative writing and production. however, if fate tells her that it will one day be her legacy, then so be it. she’ll keep on trying and believing, and in the end her hard work will pay and she’d be able to tell everyone that her hopes are no longer in her head.
if there is one thing that makes seungmi extremely uncomfortable, it would be singing in front of people. technically, recording in a studio with her vocal trainer and one or two other people wouldn’t count as a real public showcase of her talents (or lack thereof), but the feeling is more qualitative than it is quantitative. the number of people in the room doesn’t affect how she feels, it’s the mere presence of them that causes her heart to beat faster and pupils to dilate.
but negative thinking aside, she can always hold on to the belief that everyone in kt knows how bad she is anyways. she can probably get away with singing badly pretty easily with that concept in mind. then again, she knows deep down that it’s about time she start improving on her singing instead of being deadset on her on-stage charisma and dancing. she can only go so far depending on her rapping and comical gifts.
“seungmi, you’re going to record saturday night today. are you ready?”
looking at her coach with a forced smile, she nods. there really isn’t much to be ready for when she’s received only three weeks to fix her off-key voice and mouse-like squeaks she calls singing. the least she can do right now is to really give this evaluation her best shot and try to keep her voice steady and idol-standard at the bare minimum.
touching the back of her neck as she gets closer to the mic, she glances at the walls of the recording studio and how professional it all looks. soundproof walls, clean of any pictures or posters as both creates echoes that’ll sound bad on record. at this point, her mind is only filled with irrelevant thoughts like how college life is so far and whether or not she should clean her shoes once she gets home. she’s focused on anything but the evaluation, and her heart is not in the studio with her body.
“byeon seungmi! why aren’t you singing?” the stern voice of the vocal coach snaps her out of her daze and she looks at the tinted windows. the voice is coming from her headphones and she belatedly remembers that she’s not alone, and that she’s supposed to be concentrating on her evaluation instead of pointlessly distracting herself with other things. “i’m sorry.” she bows slightly towards the staff’s direction and squeezes her hand. get your head in the game, seung!
listening to the music this time, she holds the headphones against her ears, making sure it actually sticks to her ears and that she can pick up the cue to start and change verses or whatnot. she’s messed up already before she can open her mouth, this time she won’t waste it as easily as that.
with my heart torn from losing you, she starts and her voice is a key lower.
with my heart being completely empty, how can i live, she continues and it stays low. gaze flickering, she only had the change to drag the try longer by another sentence before she gets cut. “you call that singing? i would’ve thought that was mumbling if i hadn’t been the one to tell you to sing.”
head down, the rapper whispers a soft sorry before clearing her throat. it’s always like that, her saying sorry, followed by promises of hard-work. it’s all she can do at the time, all she can offer in order to stall everyone else and to block them from asking her more questions. facing the mic once more, she adjusts the headphones again and breathes. there’s only so much tries they’re willing to give her before they eventually give up on her. might as well get all this over with, she thinks, so they can all move on and carry out their normal day-to-day duties.
with my heart torn from losing you
with my heart being completely empty, the day is becoming sadder
opening her mouth a bit more, she managed to get on the right not on her starting steps. all her focus sourced on the song, she tries to match her voice to the guide her trainer has given her. as long as she sticks to it, she should be fine. whether or not it sounds good is another problem altogether. all she has to worry about is being on the right key and pitch.
on saturday night
exactly on that day, she keeps on singing, closing her eyes so she doesn’t have to see the mic in front of her. all she has to do is imagine herself in the bathroom as 11-year-old seungmi, belting out katie lee and son dambi songs in the shower. as long as she follows the guide.
on saturday night
you left, she lets herself sink more into the song and lyrics. a bit more eased and relaxed, she can feel less of the weight on her shoulders. it doesn’t sound perfect, and it isn’t exactly like the guide just yet. but at least, she’s got more control now.
“seungmi,” the song is cut again and she looks up, “you were a bit off-key. let’s take it from the top.” head popping out of the door, the trainer looks at her a bit differently. it was as if she had surprised them, which she might’ve done, and she’s given another chance. nodding her head for the umpteenth time, she lets her headphone circle around her shoulders as she gets ready for her next try. even if she can’t be perfect, she’ll keep on trying until she’s on par with the guide she has received.
byeon seungmi performing gazes for kt’s february 2016 eval ( 0:20-1:20 )
after countless team-heavy evaluations, the time has come for her to showcase her talents. overshadowed by the dance abilities possessed by other trainees, her previous evaluations have resulted in mediocre outcomes. with the chance to do something she actually knows how to do, her hopes are lifted up a little, giving her more room to dream of actually awing her coaches and leaving the other trainees speechless instead of just barely passing the mark.
still, no one would actually get to see her piece aside from the instructors present in the room during her turn to perform, but this way she’d still have evidence against the coaches when she gets told off for being talentless. a minute in the room with a camera on her as she shows off her talents, it sound somehow easy, the easiest evaluation the company had ever tasked her to do.
when the process was first explained, she knew right away that she would be rapping. really, what else can she do aside from rap? she had considered acting at one point, but a monologue seems too bland. something that not a lot of people in kt can do– rapping. the only issue was what to do besides rapping. they had specifically told her to showcase at least two talents, and it really doesn’t come to mind at first. it was only after a good night’s sleep that she realised the answer was there all along. all she had to do was pen some lyrics.
casually grabbing a sheet of paper from her desk, the rapper started to write down some lyrics that’ll go with her friend’s more recent beat. considering the length of her time in kt, she could conclude that she’s seen enough judgement based on superficial things. for one thing, her figure was sort of an issue during the gayo stages as she wasn’t tall enough and her muscular arms were not feminine enough. being pretty was never an issue when all she did was upload audio tracks on soundcloud, but being on stage made her visible to everyone. somehow, it made her feel naked, and she didn’t like the feeling one bit. so there she was, writing verses that would probably get her in trouble with her coaches if it ever goes out to public.
sitting by the door as she listens to the beat one last time, seungmi leans against the wall. a minute to perform is just perfect, giving her the right amount of time to leave an impact. beanie over her head and cargo jacket on, she mouths her lyrics quietly to make sure the people inside can’t hear her. the last thing she wants is for the instructors to scream at her for being too loud.
“byeon seungmi, please come in.”
hearing her name called, she gets up and tugs off her earphones. bowing slightly, she immediately makes her way towards the center of the room. in front of her is a camera, set up on a tripod. looking at the lens with an unreadable expression she tugs back a strand of hair.
“good evening, my name is byeon seungmi and i will be performing a rap that i wrote myself for today’s evaluation.”
her speech is clear, no hesitation in her words. she’s confident today, more than she has ever been when faced with evals. taking out her phone, she unlocks it and opens the audio file. cutting immediately to the part where the lyrics come, she lets the phone swing around in her hands.
playful smirk to begin with, she looks at the camera as if she’s picking a fight.
a sexy body, slim and slender legs
big eyes, small clothes, the kid everybody wants
a nice personality, her hobby is reading
fluttering waist– shalalala, a slender waist
is that me? nope
all throughout she doesn’t forget the gestures and the hand movement. playful eyes and shrugs as if she couldn’t care less, confidence in her eyes as words roll off her tongue fluidly.
i’m the total opposite, the only skirt i have is of my school uniform
clumsy make-up and hair, i just don’t do it, it’s not that i can’t
although i don’t have padded bras, it’s easy: A, B
although i don’t show skin, i’m a lady with a brain
korean pop is often associated with young girls with good figures, perfect hair, perfect makeup, slender waists and a charming laugh. she doesn’t want to have to change, she doesn’t want to be forced to lose weight out of her own will. this song is not just an evaluation to her, it’s the first seed of her resistance of the company’s attempts to make a conformist. for a debut she has to lose weight, for a stage she has to get her eyes done, for a gig she has to learn how to sing– she still wants to be herself and not become a corporate doll.
the thing they see first is the face after all
if it’s pretty they like it, if it’s handsome they like it even more
there’s no “i don’t like it”, to read a face go to facebook
on, off, fix it all, your face (is) good
and if the day ever comes that she has to get her face done, she would probably step out and get it all done with. she’s not permanently altering her face to resemble someone that her mother didn’t give birth too. she is grateful for who she is and what she looks like. nobody else can ever replace her.
ye-ha it annoys me, the eyes set all over my body
they’re thousand, hundreds– it’s fine
if they like my rap but why do they scan my lips, breast, and even my back?
the song ends there and she takes a breath. smiling victoriously at the camera, she bows gracefully and puts her phone in her pocket. briefly scanning the faces of the panel, she freaks out a bit inside by how different their facial expressions are now as opposed to what they usually look like.
“thank you.” she says to everyone in the room as she begins to turn on her heels and exit the room. stuffing both hands inside her pockets, a smile blooms on her face and it looks like it’ll stay for quite a while. it doesn’t matter if she gets in trouble for such controversial lyrics, she’ll swallow all the punishments and smile anyways– because she’s now stated her case and she can’t feel any prouder of herself.
LOCATION: KT BUILDING PRACTICE ROOM XX
DATE: 31 JAN 2016
half a year has long passed since she’s made it into kt. all the hardships she went through certainly had shaped her into a slightly better being. character-wise, she’s become more disciplined and ambitious. skill-wise? she’s pretty much okay with dancing. the amount of dance-related evals in kt are just embarrassing– surely around at least eighty five percent of kt is all about the charms in dancing.
twisting her hair tie in place, the young rapper exhales a long breath. cheeks red from all the shuffling and footwork, sweat glistening as it rolls down her temples, feet aching and muscles probably strained. nothing about this eval makes her comfortable, starting from the fact that it is another dance eval upto the part where it is a new song under the company. a secret one. that means she probably can’t even practice in front of seolin and ask for advice because her coaches would kill her and katie lee would likely indulge in her extermination as well.
looking at the other trainees, she can quickly distinguish the capable ones from the batch, although out of breath they still look composed. tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, she spots some other trainees that are struggling. it’s a bit comforting to know that she isn’t the only one who’s struggling, or was, in this case. the footwork didn’t surprise her as much as she thought it would. sure, she isn’t anywhere near perfect, not even close to piper and hyeri’s skills. but at the very least, she can keep up with the choreo and smile and not care about plummeting to the floor somewhere in between the bridge and chorus.
“everyone we will start recording in five seconds.”
having rested for only a minute, the young trainee quickly shoots up. breath still rugged, she merely grumbles under her breath– the easiest way to get over the evals is to do it.
true to their words, the music starts playing after sixty seconds have passed. the first step starts quite easily, a playful smile on her face, trying to keep her composure as she dances. then comes the first shuffling break, her feet moving on its own as the trainees move in a circular motion. something about the formation, the fact that they are moving in unison, comforts her amidst all the insecurities she still has about her dancing. another set of footwork, this time accompanied by hand movements, takes place. so far so good, she hasn’t gone close to slipping for two whole minutes. looking at the camera with confidence, she continues to dance, her smile not leaving even when it feels like she’s twisted a knee.
shortly after the evaluations have ended and feet are moved, she walks towards her bag and exits without looking back. on the way outside, she sees one of her instructors and smiles at him.
“teach, i did pretty well today– i think.”
“hm, you have improved. as long as you keep on practicing your dancing should improve before the first half of 2016 flies by.”
he offers her a kind smile and a pat on the shoulder before leaving, a bow following his steps. at the brief encouragement the girl beams, and a smile overtakes her lips. just as she is about to take another step, she feels a sting on one of her ankles. looking down, she stares at her right leg, wincing as her grip tightens around her bag. dragging herself to the toilet, she enters one of the stalls and lifts up the leg of her pants. red where the pain is felt, she sighs and leans against the toilet. she should be okay in a week or so, right?
“hyunjin, you have to catch me okay?” she is standing by the curtains, waiting for the music to start. a mere few seconds away from stepping on stage, the rapper takes a deep breath and exhales. tonight is her night, and she can’t afford to miss any part of the routine. “if you drop me i’m going to break my back and be super humiliated. so don’t you dare drop me hyunjin.”
a nod comes from the male trainee, his lips curling into a confident smile as if to say nothing is going to go wrong. “sure.” replying shortly, he rests his palm on her shoulder for a short while before taking a step back. her first partner arrives to stand beside her, and she acknowledges him with a small smile.
and then there comes the cue.
it starts off with a waltz, subjects dancing under the stars as the royalty watched over them. spinning and moving in perfect unison, scattered to form beautiful patterns on stage. the white fabric slides against her skin as she dances, sending whimsical thoughts towards her head. she’s a dancer tonight, one who dances in front of princes and princesses.
the tempo changes and she has to go, finding hyunjin who would throw her up in the air and catch her. for two weeks she has tried to control her diet, eating as much vegetables as she can to cut off on meat. more beans to compensate for rice. water to drive out all thirsts of milk and tea loaded with sugar. if there were any problems with throwing her beforehand, it should all be resolved as she loses a few kilos.
clasping her hands with his, she gazes at the male trainee from behind the mask. he mouths, don’t worry, and she replies with a nod. she’s going to get through this and land safely in his arms.
music builds up as it reaches the climax, everyone getting ready for the throw. at that moment, she thinks back to the practice she’s had with aron, and hyuna’s advice to her. she thinks of yulhee who helped her dye her hair and the other trainees she talked to while she was backstage. everyone is going through the same thing she is and she’s not alone. taking a final breath before she floats in the air, she closes her eyes. tonight she is not two-left-foot seungmi. she is dancer seungmi.
time seems to pause when she’s up in the air. she takes in the oxygen as air tickles the tip of her fingers. exhilaration runs through her and color rushes to her cheeks.
i’m floating.
then comes sturdy hands on her back as she falls down, legs touching the ground once again as she faces the male trainee. she did it. she jumped and landed safely.
routine carries on as the music wafts in the air. this time, she gets closer to the center of attention, the princess. her hands reach out for her, as if touching her. bodies are in close proximity as she does so, everyone reaching out for the maiden in the center, trying to share glee and joy with her.
and with that she rises, the prince appearing from behind to join her. all the subjects cheer merrily, thrilled by the young couple’s newfound happiness. seungmi smiles too, even as she waltz away. her first performance on a big stage is complete.
her eyes scanned the room, finger drumming rhythms that filled her mind, against the hard surface of her desk. the room’s light was bright as usual, blinding her as she opted to look down since no one has started talking anyways. there was a new beat she wanted to try composing, but she hadn’t gotten the time to get to it. she thought today would be the day, but she found herself taking extra lessons on etiquettes.
she didn't mind them, in fact her mom has probably made her join these types of classes when she was younger. there are various types of etiquettes, a specific set of rules has to be followed in certain situations. she remembered a workshop on table manners when she was in middle school –she and her friends laughed hysterically on the fact that bread has to be cut properly with a knife and fork, and then buttered neatly before it can be eaten. the notion seemed so complicated and utterly useless at the time.
"hey seungmi," called another trainer whilst poking her shoulder, "isn't this class boring? i don't think anyone minds bright smiles and sexy winks, right?"
looking at the other trainee, she shrugged briefly. "at least, this class teaches you something practical that you can actually apply in real life and not just in the entertainment industry. besides, your body language can easily make or break you."
being an avid public speaker, seungmi has learned the importance of body language first-hand. showing how nervous you are to the audience or looking too confident wouldn't give you the results you were expecting.
averting her gaze back to the front, she slightly leaned back on the chair as she kept her eyes trained on the instructor that was standing upfront. public speaking is one thing, but maintaining relationships is a whole other entity. at the moment, she felt the urge to learn, reap more from the class, and excel in the monthly evaluation. the endorsing part shouldn't be too hard, she was fond of acting anyways. all she has to do is make sure everything she does is in the right proportion.
the instructor's voice boomed, filling the room as she talked about manners in the business industry. not everyone is lucky enough to receive workshops like these, especially not from schools and academic institutions. so she listened, eyes following every movement, ears catching every sound. byeon seungmi is more than pumped up to give it her all.
