( ♥ ) ent august evaluation: ❝ i wanna talk to you ❞ edition!
name: hwang ❝ tiffany ❞ miyoung ➥ kt’s aurora, brighter than the sky
‘do i really have to answer this?’ that’s her first thought. ‘why’ is her second but. in the end, she supposes the most appropriate answer is ‘why not?’
it feels like another audition. in a sense, tiffany strongly believes it is. when else would they have the opportunity to convince ( essentially, through extension ) the company what path they ought to take? what the best path for them is, because what better way to set a goal than for it to be one you actually want?
the problem is that saying ‘i don’t know’ isn’t an option.
she thought she knew what she wanted. when it came to her career, tiffany always knew.
whether she lived in denial of it or not, there was a part of her that clung to the dream of being a singer. but she’s been wavering, her resolve is dwindling, and she’s been falling, falling, falling down the more she thinks about it.
perhaps her father had a point all along.
her sister needed her. her family needed her.
this time, it was leo’s turn and cassie wasn’t too far behind.
this time, she wasn’t too far behind.
ryan noticed signs of it first— signs as in, he could hear cassie yelling at ‘code red’ level, a phrase that he picked up early when he and cassie got together and a fact that made tiffany proud because she coached him through it as leo griped and groaned that it was unnecessary ( but that was mostly because he didn’t think ryan would last against their sister ). signs, as in, leo was no longer coming over just to visit emily and eat dinner with them when he was in town for business. signs, as in the way tiffany could see how bloodshot his eyes were every time they video chatted. they were too alike, too stubborn, and tiffany thinks it’s ironic that he isn’t a hardheaded leo like she is but he is still leo.
if she’s falling, he’s the one spiraling and crashing.
it’s a ripple, crests that overwhelm the rest of them, even cheolwoo, who’s too sweet, too kind to complain and say anything but the worry lies in the furrow of his brows and the dullness of a once luminous expression. he’s a puppy with his tail between his legs and she doesn’t know how to help him either.
“you recently renewed your contract.”
“six months have already passed, is that recent?”
it’s a fourth of her contract, to be exact. he rolls his eyes and tiffany can’t help laughing. they hadn’t been this comfortable around this time two years ago but there they were. anyone could see it, the changes in her since she started there and she was grateful, she truly was. still, the moments she wondered if she ought to be there lingered despite her newfound resolve when she did renew her contract to stay.
six months and she was still static in terms of productive success. obviously, tiffany could claim the mga coach position as her newest achievement but that was bittersweet. it is even now and she tries not to grimace at the thought.
“are you sad? a year and a half left with me and my problematic emotional singing.” he arches a brow and she grins, the moment already forgotten as she laughs with him. the truth is, he pushed her ( and no, he’s not a pusher like in mean girls, despite all the movie references she loves to make ) and so did hyunjae.
“how do you feel about your progress?”
“it’s … somewhat acceptable,” definite emphasis on acceptable and she knows the subtle change in his features is a sign for her to ‘oh please go on’ but she can’t think of what exactly to say other than that. “i could always do better— i can do better. that’s what i mean.”
but she doesn’t sound quite so sure. “i can dance better than yesterday. sing better. little accomplishments like that, but by no means do i think i’m done. i don’t ever want to be. it’d be a lie to say i don’t want to debut one day soon or just … i don’t know, begin the process? to be honest with you, i don’t know what the process is. trial groups? collaborations? more competitions? whatever it is, i want to debut. i do, but if i can only do so because i say i’m one hundred percent the best i can absolutely be, then i never will. i don’t want to reach my greatest potential and never improve from there.”
her glasses slip ever so slightly along the bridge of her nose and she nudges them back into place with a soft hum, a brief pause as she thinks of how best to word this, how to approach this — too often was she the type that spoke for days and yet didn’t say anything at all. “as an idol, we’d have constant criticism so i’d want to be the type that listens. oh— to the constructive criticism, i mean, so things like that. it’s similar to how i could prepare my team all i want. they can practice on a borrowed stage i arrange for them but it won’t be the same as performing on the mnet stage live and, each time, you have to take something new from it once you do. you can’t just be complacent. i don’t want that. for anyone and especially for myself. in a roundabout way, i guess i’m saying that i’m actually proud of my progress, don’t get me wrong, but i’m going to make the most of the rest of my time here. it just wouldn’t feel right not to.”
for a second, she’s convinced herself. for a second, she forgets about leo and cassie and everything that’s going on, all the secrets she doesn’t know, all the things unsaid as words endlessly spill from her lips.
“are you confident you can do all of that?”
“i’m confident that i’ll put my all into doing my best. i’m confident in my voice and even my acting. i’m confident that if there was any single career i could choose, it’d be this and that’s why i’m here. mostly, i’m confident that i’m more than stubborn enough to do it.”
“that, i can agree with.”
“hey!”
but she can’t argue that he’s wrong.
“what about your weaknesses? let’s go over those.”
“so how much time do you have today? are you sure you have enough time for that question?” she laughs but he doesn’t this time and tiffany knows she should be more serious. “okay, okay, so first, dancing. i think it’ll always be a weakness of mine but that’s why i practice it the most after the day ends. i won’t turn down help when it comes to dancing because i know that’s where i have the most room to improve but that’s what makes it worthwhile: the idea that i could turn a weakness into a strength if i work hard enough and that’s where my stubbornness comes in. that could be a weakness too but i say it’s been a strength while i’ve been here. everyone thinks about it at least once, right? a moment of weakness, for lack of a better phrase, but those of us who are still here. we’re stubborn. determined, loyal, and if it doesn’t pay off in terms of becoming an idol, at least we know we didn’t give up.
that reminds me, i’m confident that i can motivate well? i said before that i wondered why i got chosen as a kt coach but i like to think i can motivate others and maybe that’s a large part of why. i’d love to take a leadership position again. i was upset after the mgas but i have to redeem myself. i still believe in the team i had. that’s why yuri made it into kt, isn’t it? because my team was good. i refuse to accept otherwise. the other teams might’ve performed better but that doesn’t mean my team didn’t do well. who they are, that’s not a weakness so i want to gather strength from that.” another pause and she bluntly adds, “i’m rambling.”
“when aren’t you, ms. hwang?”
they laugh together this time and tiffany is glad for the break in seriousness, the break from her own monologue, even though the facts are the opposite. there was once a time she didn’t speak much at all during training, or to him for that matter but they’ve moved past it. she trusts him again and he believes in her all the same. but here comes the question that she’s been dreading.
“what do you think about your future with kt? what do you want? that’s the main point of this so tell me.”
if she could, she’d blurt out that she doesn’t know. the truth slips out unceremoniously, a spur of the moment bout of utter and pure honesty. “everything.”
it sounds about right now that she thinks of it.
she wants to sing, she wants to act, she wants to lead, she wants to compose and write lyrics. she wants to make her father proud, she wants her mother to see her from heaven and hear her singing on stage. but she also wants to go home. she wants to be there for her siblings, for emily. she wants it all and even though she warns newly signed trainees of the sacrifices one makes, nearly three years later, she still isn’t ready to accept them all quite yet.
“maybe that sounds greedy but what don’t i want is probably an easier question. i could talk forever about what i want to do or try. i want singing to be my priority. always. every day of my life. i’ll sing with kt and one day in the far future without them. you know, when i retire, if i ever do. like i said, every day of my life. maybe just not on stage when i’m old and probably need a hip replacement from all the dancing and potential falling because of the dancing. but acting in dream high was an amazing experience and everything i went through on the mgas, everything my team went through, only makes me believe that even if i’m sad about things, even if those in my team or group are upset, we’ll move past it together and that’s a beautiful feeling. i want to keep writing. if i could write or compose a song for a group i debut in or even for myself as a solo, i doubt i could be any happier about how far i’ve come. i want my dream to be worth not being around for my niece’s first words and the first steps she takes. i want my dream to come true. i think all of us here want that.”
