having daily indirect smoking dates with your neighbor turned into a habit as the both of you sat at each other’s balconies.
✶ smoker!taehyung x smoker!reader.
✶ raw, unprotected, sex. fluff, smut. taehyung is down ‧⨯ BAD. strangers (neighbors?) to lovers, sweetheart ‧ taehyung, love.
you moved into your apartment expecting calm mornings with equally calm nights. and that was what you got. the sun didn’t blare and break into your room through your windows every sunrise, abruptly waking you up. the view of the night sky littered with starts gave your mind a therapy session as you felt your mind going high into the clouds.
the buildings in front of you have a mix of lit rooms and dark ones. some people were awake, some weren’t. the intimacy of the night as you stood alone on your decent balcony and stared at your surroundings gave you a comfort you couldn’t explain. the blunt in between your fingers, tempting as you stared at it and inhaled the smoke once again.
you were too high to hear it, the doors of the balcony next door opening and closing. the apartment balconies were pretty close, a foot away from each other max.
you had noticed boxes in front of the door next to yours as you walked out into the hallway, locking your door as you headed off to work. that door had been empty for a while now, the previous residents had still been holding onto it even after moving out.
the man leaning on the railings of his balcony beside you, his hair all over the place as he stood half naked, his chest bare.
the gentle wind played with the strands of hair that previously rested on his forehead, exposing it slightly. his baggy pajama pants rustling, giving the outline of his legs before falling back into place.
maybe your addicted ass noticed him when he started to flick the lighter, or his presence was strong enough to catch the corner of your eyes as you turned your head in his direction.
once the cigarette caught fire, his took it between his long, attractive fingers. the way he took it in his mouth gave you chills, his eyes drowsy, his adam’s apple moving up and down as he swallowed after exhaling. shit, maybe you’re too high for this right now.
he was watching the lonely streets, his mind elsewhere. you were so immersed in him, not noticing that you were slightly tilting, almost falling as you realized your body wasn’t holding you up right anymore. “fuck.” you mumbled, coming back to reality as your held tightly into the railings, refusing to let go and embarrass yourself once again.
you didn’t dare look his way, turning to face the opposite side, inhaling more smoke with your trembling hands. you would stay here all night if it meant you could avoid facing him.
he didn’t know how he didn’t realize he wasn’t alone, getting startled from the curse a mild distance away from him. he looked at your form, almost letting out a chuckle as he took in your unstable state. you weren’t facing him, your face unidentifiable. he had just moved in, but he already liked his choice.
he wasn’t no pervert, he found it humorous actually. he noticed how you slightly trembled, smoke appearing in front of you. hm, well that’s one thing in common.
you weren’t wearing any shirt, just like him. your black sports bra being the only companion you had. but you were wearing pants, black sweatpants that sat low on your waist. you were fine.
you wanted to go back in, scared shitless. what if he heard you and already hated you? little did you know he thought you were cute. you heard the slide doors from his side open and close. were you a little disappointed? yes. but you were also relieved you could move and breath normally now. you quickly went back in as swiftly as possible.
taehyung had taken one cigarette with him, going back inside for another. he expected to see you in a different position when he went back outside, finding the complete opposite. you were gone. you had closed your blinds, a soft light still escaping from them.
he felt lonely now, but, he hoped to see you again.
he did. the next time he saw you, you both were once again smoking at your balconies late at night. you wore a strapless shirt this time, tightly fitting your body. your baggy pajama pants taking light hits from the wind.
he wore a shirt this time, the night’s breeze too chilly.
you were brave, looking in his direction this time. he got brave, looking in your direction this time. the both of you met gazes, holding it for a few seconds before finding it too awkward and nodding his way. he nodded back, greeting you silently. in your mind, you were internally dying. he got the urge to grin, facing the other way as a gentle smile took over his face.
you ended up laughing, turning your face away from him, too embarrassed. why were you always embarrassing yourself infront of him. but you heard him lightly laugh on the other side. you ignored what had just happened, facing forward to admire the view in front of you, when really, you were thinking of how damn good he looked.
nights went by, the interaction minimal. the two of you smoked next to each other, yet far away. he did ask for your lighter once, claiming he couldn’t find his. to you, he was being genuine. he just wanted to interact with you though.
there were days where one of you wouldn’t show up, and there were no hard feelings. except, the both of you felt lonely and slightly disappointed.
taehyung looked over at your balcony, empty. your lights weren’t on from inside either. this was an apartment, not a hotel. you’d be back, you hadn’t just stayed the night. but he doesn’t know why his heart feels light it’s fallen in his ribcage. he’s grown too attached and he knows it.
he sighs, the motivation to bring the blunt to his lips nonexistent. he didn’t know how you really sounded like, so when you walked towards the apartment with your ex he couldn’t tell it was you.
you hated your ex, it wasn’t a “I’ll give you a second chance” situation. your drunk ass let him walk you home, very dangerous for the kind of man he was. you tried to lower your responses, answering in short words or phrases.
“is this your apartment?”
“yes.” your voice loud enough.
taehyung didn’t usually look down to see people, but he did anyway. oh look, a cute couple.
but his heart dropped. there you were, standing in front of a man he didn’t know about. I mean hell, he didn’t even know your name.
you were wearing a mid thigh length dress with no straps, your black heels glittering with its small diamonds. you probably came back from the club, or a party. the man leaned in to kiss you, you backed away. but taehyung didn’t see that.
who was he kidding? thinking a neighbor that has barely interacted with him might’ve been the chance to love. he wasn’t even sure what he was feeling right now. he dropped his cigarette from the balcony, it landing a foot away from you.
he walked back inside, closing his doors shut, making his way to his bed. fuck, what was wrong with him?
you looked at the small thing that fell from above, the stupid man still in front of you. you recognized that brand, the same one he uses. many people did too, but the only ones out smoking this late would be you and him.
you weren’t sure if he saw, or if he was just done smoking for the night. but he never throws his cigars.
you look above you, his balcony coming to view. he wasn’t there, but the again you can’t see much from below.
“I should go, and you, shouldn’t come looking for me.” you faced the man, not letting him finish his stupid sentence that praised himself.
the doors to your balcony opened as you slid out. he wasn’t there. but you wanted to take a few puffs anyway.
the next night, he didn’t come out either. maybe he was sick, or maybe he was out. you tried not to, but thinking of him not wanting to come out anymore stabbed you in a way you hadn’t felt in long. he could be out there, taking a blunt with other girls and you’re over here waiting for him like an idiot.
he didn’t come out for a week, and it came to the point where you would only peek outside, your box of cigarettes and your lighter in your hand just in case he was there. if he wasn’t, you went back in.
except one night, you were hit with a wave of regret and loneliness. you needed to smoke, regardless if he was there that night.
you laid on your balcony floor, staring up into the sky as you drowned yourself in the thoughts you didn’t want to get close to. funny enough, taehyung was tired of being mad and thinking he should’ve let this affect him. so he went out, not expecting you to be there. but you were.
he looked at your worn out body laid on the cold ground. he heard your quiet sniffles, the way your hand trembled as it carried the blunt to your lips.
maybe he was being dramatic, but he felt terrible seeing you in this state.
he cleared his throat, not trying to mark his presence intentionally but couldn’t help it anyway.
you heard him, but tried your best not to acknowledge him. maybe it was your ego, maybe you were upset with him. he left you alone for days, and now he wants to be here in your worst state.
“does smoking calm you down?” he asked, not expecting an answer, but you looked his way. your blurry face focusing on his frame.
“yes.” your hoarse voice answered, mentally slapping yourself for another embarrassing moment.
“that’s unhealthy, y’know?”
“then why do you smoke?”
you caught him there.
“I don’t know.”
the silence overshadowed. you looked away from him, staring at the sky once again.
“It’s just a small habit. but, I’ve been looking forward to it more than usual.” he admitted.
“why?” oh, you were so naive.
“because I don’t smoke alone.” he chuckled, meeting your eyes as he looked your way. oh.
you smiled, uncontrollably so. “same.”
“would your boyfriend mind if i came over?”
you looked at him, confused. “boyfriend?”
“I mean yeah, I figured who wouldn’t want to be with a beauty like you?” god.
you weren’t one for compliments, not knowing how to take them in as much as you appreciated them.
you awkwardly laughed, “I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“then who..”
“were you stalking me?” you cut him off, playfully.
“what!? no!” he was quick to defend himself.
he pulled his chair towards the railings, preparing to climb on it to jump across. “what the fuck are you doing?” you asked, shocked that he’d even attempt it.
“going over?” his sly smile on display.
“I’d rather have you go knock on my door than possibly kill yourself if you fall.” you motioned for him to go back inside.
“alright.” he slightly pouted, heading towards his door.
you were already waiting with your door open, his door unlocking as he stepped out.
you welcomed him in, leading him towards your balcony.
“see? easy and safe.”
“your home is nice.” he admired the decoration of the balcony, wondering how he’s never noticed it before.
“thank you.”
“you know, it’s so weird how I barely just moved in and now I’m here. with you.” he looked lost in his thoughts.
“why? am i weird?”
“no- stop twisting my words.” he laughed, waving his hands around.
“what i mean is, our chemistry is going places.”
you hummed, agreeing. “even if this is our first time talking, I mean I hadn’t ever really heard your voice until now.”
you talked about many things. now, he probably even knew when your next period starts. when and why you moved out. your family, your past pets, even your morning routine. you now knew his everything as well. except one thing.
“so, why do you really smoke?”
you asked him, expecting him not to know again because ‘I don’t know’ is an answer.
“maybe because, it helps me lose myself.”
you nodded, listening to his every word as if you were taking notes in history class.
“but, I started to look forward to it more when you were out here.”
“what do you mean by that?”
“I mean, I wanted to come out here for a blunt just because I knew you’d be here. and maybe, since we shared something in common, you would be attracted to me.”
you nearly teared up, his answer too sweet.
“maybe, that was the case for me too. last week, I didn’t come out simply because you weren’t here.”
he looked over at you, almost stunned. he smiled, shy as he turned his attention back to the uninteresting buildings in front on you.
It took many more days for you both to build a proper connection, even if there was already that spark within you since the very beginning.
he sat on your bed, unbuttoning his shirt. you had gone to a nice restaurant downtown as a date. taking your aching heels off, you put socks on, feeling the discomfort already setting in. your heels were now placed next to his shoes, looking like those cliche pinterest couple pictures.
he looked towards you, admiring the way you slowly walked to him. he’d never experienced such feelings within his heart, maybe he has, but you’re too special for him. those past feelings, they’re bullshit now.
his eyes looked up at you, the stars you always saw in them gone. you decided to tease him, pulling your hair up in a bun, your fingers slowly traveling down to your thighs to lift your dress by the hem.
he followed your hand, eyeing you as he tilts his head. fuck.
the bulge at his crotch rising as the seconds go by.
you grew needy, sitting on his lap, your legs on each side of his hips. he doesn’t touch you, but he seduces you with his eyes, licking his lips.
placing your core to his erection, grinding slowly, your hands resting on his knees behind you. he threw his head back, his eyebrows furrowed. his low moans sending goosebumps all over.
he sat up, placing his hands on your waist, guiding your movements. you sat up, pulling your dress over yourself, his hands gripping the waistband of your panties, pulling you towards him to fall on the bed after throwing your dress to the floor.
he hovered over you, his lips on yours, smearing your lipgloss. your tongues meet, hungrily devouring your lips.
his shirt was by now on the ground, your hands exploring the familiar planes of his chest, ending up around his neck. you wrapped your legs around him, causing him to grind against you. the bed was creaking, foreshadowing the complaints your neighbors would send you.
you giggled against his lips, holding him closer to yourself. taehyung took his hands to cup your ass, the friction between you two rougher.
you reached down to unbutton his slacks, his hand reaching down to help you. you flipped him over, your hands flat on his chest.
leaning down to kiss him, you pulled his cock out of his boxers. you knew he was huge from the start, the breeze in the night helping outline his bulge whenever you peeked. you’re no pervert, you were just curious.
he groaned, your hands soft against his warm, hard length. taehyung pulled your panties to the side, his fingers now soaked with your arousal. you moaned against his lips, your tongues swirling.
the heat between your crotches nearly unbearable. you sat up, his cock flat against his stomach as you spread your folds to rub yourself on his hard girth.
“fuck.” he exhaled, his mouth slightly open. your wet arousal coating him, slick sounds echoing in the room as you increased your pace.
taehyung flipped you over, raising your legs to place them on top of his shoulders. he leaned in, almost pressing your thighs to your chest. “I love you so fucking much,” pressing a wet smooch to your lips.
“I love your more.” you whispered, feeling his tip pressing against your entrance. he slowly pushed himself in, your walls immediately clenching around him.
he felt ecstatic, your gummy walls taking him in tightly. he cursed, gripping your thighs. you whimper, feeling him move inside you. it wasn’t no unfamiliar feeling, he’d fucked you many times now.
he increased the pace, thrusting, taking his time but also desperate to get you cumming on his cock. he lowered your legs, leaning against you, your chests touching. his hands intertwined with yours, his wet lips softly landing on yours.
you moved your hips against his, meeting his thrusts. your orgasm broke, moaning against him as a ring of cum coated his cock, dripping onto the bedsheets.
“come baby.” you kissed his cheek, tangling your hand in his locks, pulling them slightly.
his thrusts grew rapid, the bed creaking, headboard hitting the wall.
pulling out, he jerked off, the wet sounds of your cum on his cock. his mouth hung open as he came on your stomach. his hand slowed down, eyes shut. you placed your hand on his neck pulling him to let him lean on your shoulder.
his abdomen stuck to your, smearing your cum on both of your bellies.
“why do you smoke?”
“because I love you.”
authors note: I had a LOT of debate w this one </3 ITS HERE NOW THO <3
Another fandom to add to the list! Grateful to all those who read ✨💕
The song “All these years by Camilla Cabello” inspired this one!
As always feedback is always welcome, hate is not! ✨💕
Day by day : KTH
Kim Taehyung x Fem!Reader
Summery - You end your relationship with Tae due to military service but you can’t move on, you end up reuniting after he hears a song confession you wrote in the studio.
Warnings - Angst but has a happy ending ☁️💕Not fully proof read - I’m sorry but it’s 1am 😭
—————————————————————
The hardest thing you ever did was walk away from Kim Taehyung.
As a songwriter, you lived your life peacefully between the pages of notebooks and quiet melodies, waiting for a story to unfold. You weren’t a professional singer, you preferred to stay out of the spotlight, but you did have a soft, emotive voice perfectly suited for laying down rough demo tracks behind closed doors for those who thrive in the limelight.
Taehyung’s world, on the other hand, was a blinding whirlwind of stadiums, flashing cameras, and endless time zones. The agonizing ache of loving him while he was away on global tours had begun to fray at your nerves.
It didn’t help when the reality of his mandatory military enlistment loomed closer, bringing with it strict communication limits and a long, eighteen-month gap.
It felt like a weight you simply couldn't carry any longer. Believing you were sparing the both of you from a slow, painful deterioration, you made the devastating choice to break his heart … and your own in the process.
You couldn’t scrub the memory away no matter how hard you tried.
You had stood in the shadow of his apartment building, hands completely engulfed in his much larger ones. He was gently rubbing his thumbs over your knuckles, soothing you like he often did, his head tilted down as he spoke to you in that soft, soothing murmur of his.
"I packed the notebook you gave me," he said , a small, affectionate smile playing on his lips as his dark eyes searched yours.
"I'll write to you whenever they let me. The eighteen months will go faster than we think. We'll make it work."
Every gentle, optimistic word he spoke felt like a physical blow to your stomach. The agonizing dread you had carried for months was finally clawing its way up your throat, suffocating you.
Looking into his warm, soulful eyes felt like you were tearing your own heart out. Unable to bear it a second longer, you slowly pulled your hands away from his grasp, taking a half-step backward.
The immediate flash of confusion that crossed his face almost made you lose your nerve entirely.
"Tae..." you started, voice trembling so violently you had to stop. You swallowed hard, forcing the words past the heavy lump that was stuck there in your throat. "I can’t ... I can’t do this." You felt the tears fall down your face as you spoke.
Taehyung’s empty hands hovered in the space between the two of you for a second before he slowly let them fall. The soft wool of his oversized coat shifted as he stepped closer again, his brow furrowing in a mix of confusion and rising despair . He didn't raise his voice; he rarely ever did. Instead, he gently reached out, his long fingers carefully and affectionately tucking a fallen lock of hair behind your ear.
" Y/n, please," he murmured, his deep, velvety voice carrying a fragile tremor he was trying desperately to hide. "We've survived the world tours. We’ve painted over the distance of completely different time zones. This… this is just a pause. We can wait for each other."
"It's not just the distance, Tae, it's the absolute silence," you cried, your tears no longer silent as you looked up at him.
"I was already drowning when you were just on the road, staying awake until three in the morning just for a five-minute call to know you were okay. But this? The weeks and months without hearing from you? The strict limits on when you can even reach out? I'll be constantly terrified. Terrified for your well-being, terrified for us. I'll spend every single day pacing the floor, wondering if our relationship is actually surviving the quiet. It will break me completely. I love you too much to watch us slowly, painfully turn into ghosts to each other. I'd rather make a clean cut now than wait for what we have to just fray until it snaps."
Taehyung’s hand dropped slowly to his side. The physical distance to you was mere inches, but suddenly it felt like a vast, unbridgeable ocean. He looked at you not with anger, but instead with a deep type of sympathy.
He saw the absolute terror in your eyes, and he couldn't bear to fight you if it was causing you this much pain.
It’s like he knew your soul was in agony, bleeding out in front of him.
He let out a slow, unsteady breath, his dark eyes brimming with his own heavy, unshed tears. "If breaking my heart is what you need to do to protect yours... then okay," he whispered into the cold air, his voice unimaginably soft.
He reached out one last time, letting his thumb brush lightly against her cheekbone, offering her a small, deeply sorrowful smile that lacked all of its usual charisma.
"But please... don't tell me this is for the best."
————————
You had tried hard to move on, burying yourself in writing sessions and late-night mixing, but escaping Kim Taehyung was an impossible task.
When all seven members of BTS completed their service and reunited, the world exploded. He was everywhere. You couldn’t even couldn't buy a coffee without hearing his voice on the radio; you couldn't scroll through your phone without seeing his face trending; you couldn't walk down the street without the band smiling down at you from massive digital billboards.
But seeing him on a screen was one thing. Seeing him in person was entirely different.
Just as you tried to move on you also tried to keep your distance. You managed the distance at least…. that was until a massive collaborative songwriting camp at the agency brought the two of you under the same roof once more.
You were stepping out of a vocal booth when you saw him at the end of the hallway, laughing with Jimin and Jin.
Your breath catches in your throat.
His hair had grown out just a little longer than his military buzz cut, falling softly over his forehead, and the stark truth was that his arms looked a little stronger, his shoulders broader beneath his jacket. He carried a new, quiet maturity, yet his boxy little smile was exactly the same. Seeing him didn’t just stir up old feelings; it resurrected them entirely, hitting you with the sudden, undeniable realization that the love you thought you had buried was still very much alive.
Overwhelmed, you retreated to the safety of your own studio later that night. The emotions you had bottled up for years spilled onto the page, morphing into a cathartic, acoustic-driven track that laid your regrets bare.
You only ever sang to get the melodies out of your head, so stepping up to the microphone felt natural… just to record a raw, unfiltered scratch demo.
You poured your broken soul into the vocals, singing softly over a gentle acoustic guitar: “Your hair’s grown a little longer, your arms look a little stronger... but my heart still skips a beat.”
The song became an agonizing confession, wondering if anyone else had kissed him the way you used to, and lamenting the fear that had driven you away. Your voice cracked slightly as you reached the chorus, singing aloud the painful truth: “After all these years, I never told you... I should have told you, I’m still entirely yours.”
You never intended for the song to be released; it was just a diary entry put to a melody. You had sent the rough demo file to a mutual producer friend, asking him to bury it in his vault or pitch it to an indie artist who could actually sing it professionally.
Yet fate seemed to have another plan.
A few days later, Taehyung was lounging on the leather sofa in that exact producer's studio, casually scrolling through his phone while his friend clicked through folders on a massive monitor, searching for solo project inspiration.
"I have this one acoustic instrumental track that might fit your vibe. Let me pull it up," the producer mumbled, his mouse clicking rapidly. "Hold on, wrong folder.. ah!”
He had clicked on your file by mistake.
The moment the stripped-back, melancholic acoustic guitar drifted through the heavy studio monitors, Taehyung paused. Then, your quiet, unmistakable voice filled the room.
"Your hair’s grown a little longer... your arms look a little stronger..."
Taehyung froze. The phone slipped from his loose grip, landing with a soft thud on the sofa cushions. He sat up slowly, his dark eyes snapping toward the screen. Every muscle in his body went completely rigid, the air seemingly punched from his lungs.
"Ah, shoot, my bad," the producer stammered, his hand frantically scrambling for the mouse as he realized what he had just played. "That's not the right track. That's just a private scratch demo that got sent over a few days ago, I'm supposed to pitch it to…"
"Don't," Taehyung interrupted. His voice was a barely there whisper, tight and remarkably urgent for someone usually so calm. He leaned forward, resting his elbows heavily on his knees, his gaze locked intensely on the floorboards as the lyrics washed over him. "Don't turn it off. Please."
The producer’s hand hovered awkwardly over the mouse, glancing nervously at the sorrowful expression suddenly etched across Taehyung's face. "Tae..."
"Just let it play," Taehyung murmured, his velvety voice cracking slightly.
The producer quietly withdrew his hand, letting the song run its course. Taehyung didn't just hear a demo; he heard your heart breaking in real-time. He listened in stunned silence as your fragile voice laid bare the questions that had haunted you for three years.
"Does she kiss you like I kissed you? Yeah i never prepared for a moment like that" your voice cracked slightly over the acoustic strum. "Cause after all these years... I still feel everything when you are near."
Taehyung closed his eyes, a heavy ache settling in his chest as the song swelled toward its agonizing confession.
"I never told you... I should have told you. I'm still entirely yours."
As the final, shaky note of your vocal faded into the quiet hum of the studio, Taehyung remained perfectly still. He sat with his head bowed, the weight of your lyrics wrapping around him as he instantly connected the dots between the tragic words and the girl he had never even begun to get over.
For three years, he had wondered if you had moved on, if the quiet life you craved had finally erased him from your mind. Now, he had his answer.
He slowly picked up his phone from the sofa cushion, his thumb hovering over a contact name he had never been able to bring himself to delete.
"I have to go." Taehyung murmured, his voice thick with a sudden, overwhelming emotion as he stood up and pulled his oversized coat around his shoulders. He didn't wait for a reply, stepping out of the agency and into the damp, gray evening.
That same rainy Tuesday night, you were curled up on your sofa with a notebook, absentmindedly listening to the rhythmic drumming of the rain against your apartment window. You were trying to write, trying to force your mind anywhere but the memory of seeing him in that hallway, when your phone screen suddenly illuminated the dark room.
A breath violently leaves your lungs when you see his name glowing on the screen. You hadn't heard from him in over a thousand days, but you had never deleted his number; you couldn’t ever bring herself to do it. The text was simple, completely devoid of anger, yet it held the heavy, undeniable weight of all the years they had lost.
“I heard the demo you sent in. My hair is a little longer, but I think I’m still the same guy you left. Can we talk?”
You stared at the words until your vision blurred with hot tears. Your heart hammered against your ribs, and your fingers trembled so violently you could barely hold the device as you typed back a quick, breathless “Yes.”
The reply was almost instantaneous, setting a time for that very night. They agreed to meet at your studio, the very place where you had recorded the agonizing confession he had just heard, safely hidden away from the prying eyes of the public.
An hour later, the heavy studio door clicked shut behind Taehyung. The quiet hum of the equipment filled the space between the two of you. For a long moment, neither of you moved. He stood near the entrance in an oversized, beautifully unstructured coat, his eyes wandering thoughtfully over the messy scatter of lyric sheets and tangled cables . He looked a little older, carrying a grounded, soulful maturity, but his presence was just as warm as you remembered.
"So," you started, voice coming out smaller than you had intended. You crossed your arms, suddenly feeling incredibly exposed. "You heard the demo."
Taehyung offered a faint, almost shy smile, a gentle, subdued echo of his usual playful charm. He took a slow, unhurried step into the room, his hands shoved deep into his pockets.
"Yeah," he replied, his voice a deep, velvety murmur that was so soft you almost had to lean into him to catch it. "I did." He paused, tilting his head slightly as if he was studying you. "Was it... I mean, I have to ask. Was it about me?"
You let out a shaky breath, the tears welling up before you could stop them. "Who else would it be about, Tae?" Your voice broke, as you swiped frantically at your eyes, the polished words you had rehearsed completely abandoning you.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I let my insecurities consume me back then. I was so terrified of you being gone, of us fading out and becoming strangers across all that distance, that I just... sabotaged it. I convinced myself it would hurt less if I just ended it right then."
Taehyung closed the distance between the both of you, stopping just a couple steps away.
He didn't immediately pull you into a dramatic, movie-perfect embrace. Instead, his expression melted into pure, unguarded empathy. It was different to the last time you found yourself face to face with him. He looked at you not with lingering resentment, but with a deep, quiet understanding that made your chest ache.
"It didn't hurt less, you know," he said softly, looking down at his boots for a second before meeting your gaze again. "The first few months in the barracks were really hard. I spent a lot of time just sitting there in the quiet, trying to make sense of it."
Hearing it aloud, the pain you caused, made you flinch, you couldn’t help but look down at the floorboards in shame.
"I know. I'm so sorry.” You whispered, scared of your voice breaking again.
“I had to see your face on every screen, everywhere I went, knowing I threw us away because I was a coward."
Taehyung reached out gently. His long, elegant fingers caught your chin, tilting your head back up so you had to look at him. "I was scared too," he murmured, his thumb lightly and affectionately brushing a tear from your cheek. He sounded remarkably sincere, his introspective nature bleeding into his words.
"But hearing your voice on that track... it felt like finding a piece of myself I thought I had permanently lost. You sounded exactly how my heart has felt for the last three years. It made me realize we never really stopped loving, did we?"
You shook your head, voice now barely a whisper. "No. I never stopped."
"Then let's just try," Taehyung said, a genuine, warm fondness finally settling over his features. He stepped closer, carefully and deliberately wrapping his arms around your shoulders. It wasn't a desperate collision; it was a deeply affectionate, grounding hug. He rested his chin softly on the top of your head, his hands moving to rub soothing, steady circles on your back.
You let your forehead rest against his chest, hands tentatively gripping the soft fabric of his coat. He felt solid, real, and finally, right here.
"We don't have to figure it all out tonight," he whispered softly into your hair, his steady heartbeat drumming against your cheek. "We have a lot to catch up on. We’ll just take it day by day. Okay?"
You closed your eyes, breathing in the familiar, comforting scent of him, and finally let out a breath you felt like you had been holding since the day he left. "Okay," you whispered into his coat. "Day by day."
☆summary: you’ve known Kim Taehyung your whole life. When you meet again at a party hosted by your best friend, alcohol looses your lips and you spill your secrets to your childhood crush. Will Taehyung give in to your desire, or will you be struck by remorse?
☆pairing: Kim Taehyung x female reader
☆rating: 18+
☆genre: best friend’s older brother to lovers, a little bit of fake dating trope, idol!au, angst, smut, fluff, snippets of life
☆warnings: alcohol consumption, getting ghosted before the story takes place, lying/hiding the truth to a best friend for months, unclear relationship (and what comes with it aka reader feels cheated on (rightfully so?)), sort of miscommunication? but not really, cursing, mention of a grandparent passing away, a very awkward dinner with all the members and their own readers (no one is named, gets a little redundant? but since everyone is a reader, it had to be done), pregnancy (at the veryyyy end of the fic), explicit content: virgin and unexperienced!reader, dom!tae, praising, fingering, ass slapping, tits play, oral sex (female and male receiving), tied-up sex, whip (not really used in the fic), dirty talking?, protected and unprotected sex, jerking off, taehyung is lowkey a freak
☆word count: 46.8k
☆a/n: as per usual, thank you to the beautiful @moonleeai for beta-ing this fic for me. Your work is forever appreciated <3. Also, I really hope you will enjoy reading this. It took me a lot longer to write than my usual fics because I was burned out in December and I just couldn’t function properly but I’m really proud of the result nonetheless! Enjoy your reading <3
Read the other establishments in the Life Goes On series here!
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There was a small house at the end of a dirt road, surrounded by trees and fields. When the sun set, it coated the house with golden light, making it stand at the end of the road like it was straight from a postal card. Bushes sprinkled with wildflowers stood on the two sides of the red door that was always left open. It led into a kitchen that had held laughter, tears and late-night conversations, along with home cooked food made with love.
You had grown up in that house next to your best friend Eunjin and her two brothers, Taehyung and Jeongyu, and your own brother. Though Taehyung had left when you were still young, moving to Seoul to pursue his training. It had led to you being a lot closer to Jeongyu even though you were mostly Eunjin’s friend. Your own brother had followed after Taehyung, always being closer to the older Kim sibling in the first place.
The house at the end of the road was pretty, with a cozy look to it that made you want to settle down after a long day of work. As your car pulled in the driveway, memories of your childhood came back to you, bringing a smile to your lips.
You remembered playing soccer with Eunjin, her siblings and your brother, and chasing after frogs on rainy days. You had come home covered in mud from the fields more than once, yet Eunjin’s parents had always been nice about it. Same as her grandmother had been, though the older lady had passed away a few years ago.
Your car slowed down as you neared the house until it came to a full stop. You took the keys out of the engine, gaze wandering on the different cars you could see.
Eunjin had organized a small get-together with close friends to celebrate her getting the job she had always dreamed about. Some of her family was also going to be there, cousins that you had seen many times before. All the cars you could recognize, except the gray one that was the nearest to the house. It had your brows furrow as you threw your car door open and stepped out.
You breathed in the fresh air of October, eyes shutting as you let yourself absorb the cool aura of the countryside. You hadn’t been here in years, ever since you had moved to Seoul, and you were glad to be back. So you took your time to breathe in the air and the atmosphere, letting it bring you back to days when you didn’t know what it was to be surrounded by concrete, only knowing fields and open air.
Your eyes eventually fluttered open, gaze moving to the front porch of the house. There was a figure standing there, a man you hadn’t expected to see.
Kim Taehyung was leaning against one of the pillars holding the small roof of the porch, a quaint knowing smile on his lips. You didn’t know how long he had been standing there, and you blushed as you took in the sight of him.
Taehyung was wearing a pair of brown dress pants along with a pale loose shirt that was tucked into the pants. He had rolled up his sleeves, revealing the tan skin of his forearms and the expensive watch on his wrist, and his hair was pushed back as if he had run his hands through it too many times.
You met his gaze in the distance, gulping as he seemingly looked you up and down once before his eyes locked with yours again.
“Y/n”, he greeted you.
“Taehyung”, you said back, eyes falling to a puddle in the dirt in front of you. You bowed, just a little, before glancing behind you at your duffel bag on the backseat.
Taehyung’s gaze followed you as you grabbed it before starting to walk towards him. There was something weird about the aura surrounding him and you weren’t quite sure if it was because you hadn’t seen him in almost six years or because the confident smile on his lips intimidated you.
Maybe it was a little bit of both.
You met his gaze again as you stopped in front of him, offering him a tight-lipped smile. “I didn’t know you were going to be here”, you admitted and he shrugged his shoulders.
“Eunjin made me stop here on the way back from Busan”, Taehyung explained. “After the concert.”
You had heard about that concert. A free concert that had rocked the whole world for a time. It was strange to think that Taehyung was so famous, especially as he stood in front of you, with that same childish glint in his eyes that he had when he was younger. It was stranger to think that you were friends with his sister and that your life somehow was intertwined with Taehyung’s.
“Oh”, you let out. Your eyes slid to the door, right as it opened to reveal your best friend.
“Y/n!” Eunjin squealed as she ran out, wrapping her arms around your neck. “I’ve missed you so much.”
You chuckled, hugging her with one arm. “We were together a week ago”, you reminded her.
She tutted as she pulled away, grabbing your duffel bag from you and handing it to her brother. “Why don’t you make yourself useful and bring that inside, asshole?”
Taehyung rolled his eyes at his sister, before meeting your gaze. “I’ll do it for you, not for her.” He offered his sister a glare and then winked as he met your eyes over her head.
It left you with a dumbfounded look on your face as Taehyung disappeared inside. Eunjin’s brows knit together, and she turned towards you. “What the fuck was that?”
You were as confused as she was, so you simply shrugged your shoulders before motioning to the inside of the house. “Should we go in?”
Eunjin didn’t seem like she wanted to let it go, yet she didn’t mention it again as she pulled you in behind her. “Everyone’s already arrived.”
Indeed, as soon as you walked in you were greeted by a crowd of friends, along with the family members Eunjin had mentioned would be there. They greeted you warmly, but your eyes diverged to the stairs as Taehyung walked down them. He pushed his hair back, his gaze meeting yours for a few seconds. He offered you a tight-lipped smile as he raised his eyebrows, but Eunjin pulled you away before you could reply.
All it did was bring a light blush to your cheeks, one you did your best to ignore as Eunjin handed you a bottle of beer.
“Drink up, you’ve got some catching up to do”, she told you.
You let out a small laugh. “I don’t drink beer.”
Eunjin rolled her eyes, fists resting against her hips. “You will today.” She glanced at a spot over your shoulder. “I have a feeling you’re going to need it.”
Her words were immediately punctuated by cheers, and you turned your head towards the sound to see some of your friends cheering one of Eunjin’s family members as he chugged a beer. Your eyes widened, and you resumed your attention on your friend.
“What is going on here?” you asked.
You had never done parties like that. Had never really been allowed to do parties like that. It surprised you that Eunjin’s parents were letting it happen under their roof, yet Eunjin just brushed it off with a shrug of her shoulders.
“My parents told me that as long as we don’t break anything I can throw a party like in the movies.”
You looked at her pointedly. “Don’t people always break stuff at parties like in the movies?”
Eunjin laughed heartily, shaking her head. “Not under oppa’s careful attention.” You followed her line of gaze to see Taehyung punching his cousin in the shoulder before leaning in to say something in the young man’s ear. His enthusiasm seemed to deflate for a time, until Taehyung offered him a winning smile that had the happiness bleed back into the young man’s features. “He’s telling everyone to stop when they get too intense.”
It was unlike Taehyung, or rather unlike the Taehyung you had known years ago. Taehyung had always been the first one to want to have fun, to pull pranks on his siblings or to tease everyone and everything around him. There was still that same mischievous glint in his eyes today, but as the oldest he seemed to take his responsibilities seriously.
You wondered what his parents had told him to make him behave like that.
“Good thing he’s here then”, you said, before taking a swig of your beer.
You winced at the taste and the bitterness it left behind and Eunjin laughed at your expression. “Oh come on, it’s just a little beer.”
“Drink it then”, you said, pushing the beer towards her.
She shook her head and before she could speak, her younger brother threw an arm around her shoulder.
“Y/n!” Jeongyu greeted you. He had a large grin on his face, one that made his eyes crinkle at the corners. “I’ve missed you.”
“And yet you choose to hug your sister?” you teased him. “Come here.”
Jeongyu laughed, a little drunkenly, before stumbling into your open arms. He hugged you firmly, lifting you off the ground. You let out a yelp and your eyes met Taehyung’s as he moved closer.
You couldn’t quite read his expression, but he seemed surprised. As if he hadn’t really seen you before.
“What’s gotten into you?” Taehyung asked. For a moment, you thought he was addressing you as his eyes still held your gaze, but he tapped his brother’s shoulder.
Jeongyu immediately put you down, before offering a small pout to Taehyung. “Just happy to see Y/n, hyung.”
Taehyung arched an eyebrow prettily. “No need to crush her like that.”
“It’s fine”, you reassured the man as Jeongyu let you go. You met his gaze, offering him a bright smile. “I’ve missed you too, Jeongyu.”
A crooked grin appeared on the younger man’s lips. “How has Seoul been, nuna?”
The three siblings put their full attention on you. Usually, when it was just Eunjin and Jeongyu, you found it easy to talk to them. But right now, under Taehyung’s attentive gaze, you found you didn’t really know what to say.
“Uh”, you let out. “It’s been good.”
“Do you still work at the same office?” Taehyung asked. He furrowed his brows slightly. “What was it again?”
“Yes, I still work at the same place”, you answered. You chuckled, and a slight blush moved on your cheeks. “Still work for Samsung.”
Taehyung pursed his lips. “I don’t know how I managed to forget that.”
“Maybe because you haven’t seen her in years”, Eunjin pointed out.
Your best friend’s words ended the conversation, and you looked down at the floor as you took a sip of the beer. The liquid was as disgusting as it had been a moment ago, but it kept you occupied for a time, as the siblings started bickering.
If one thing hadn’t changed between the three of them, it was their constant bickering. Taehyung looked a lot younger then, and you found it easier to hold his gaze. The blush stubbornly remained on your cheeks, but you had always been the type to blush easily. Especially when alcohol was involved.
And Kim Taehyung, apparently.
Soon enough, the group of you moved to join the rest of the people attending Eunjin’s celebration. You found yourself sitting together with the friends you had gone to high school with, while Taehyung and Jeongyu moved to stand with their family members. Eunjin kept going from one crowd to another, ever so the social butterfly, accepting the congratulations people were offering her without even batting an eyelash.
Every now and then, your gaze slid towards Taehyung. You caught the older man looking at you on more than one occasion, and each time he offered you one of his tight-lipped smiles. The times when he wasn’t looking brought you back to when you were younger. To when you were fourteen and crushing on your best friend’s older brother.
You hadn’t thought that that crush still existed until butterflies swam in your belly at the sight of Taehyung’s boxy smile as he laughed at someone’s joke.
You looked away then, figuring it was better to ignore Taehyung. And it was, as you were surrounded by a crowd of your friends, and everyone of them were buzzing with energy. Jests were exchanged between the group, inside jokes you hadn’t thought you remembered as you all reminisced about high school.
The party kept going on for longer than you thought, even though most people weren’t sleeping over. You found yourself drinking more than you had expected, as you realized that beer didn’t taste so bad after your third bottle. It had your mind swirling in the sweet ecstasy of alcohol, and your initial repulsion to the idea of drinking disappeared into thin air.
If you were to party, you’d party grandly until dawn would inch to the horizon, tainting the sky in bright colors. And you did just that, joining Eunjin in a couple of alcohol games. It was fun with her cheering you on, and you won more than half of them, beating most of your friends. Your successful streak ended when you played against Taehyung and Jeongyu, though Jeongyu didn’t contribute to the game a lot. Indeed, Taehyung told him to sit down on the couch, as the younger man was far too drunk to even stand straight. It made you laugh, and you stumbled a little, taking an unexpected step towards Taehyung.
Taehyung caught your elbow and you looked up to meet his gaze. He had a stern expression on his face as if he disapproved of you drinking. You furrowed your eyebrows, before shrugging off his grip on your arm.
“Is something wrong?” you asked.
He seemed surprised by the outburst, and his eyebrows shot towards his hairline. “Ah, no, everything is okay.”
There was an awkward silence between the two of you, and you only then realized that Eunjin had been pulled away by one of her cousins.
Taehyung had pretty eyes. A dark gaze, one that you felt as if you were falling in as you looked at him. It had your mind turning dizzy, which wasn’t quite a great mix with the amount of alcohol you had ingested. Taehyung must have noticed your face paling because he grabbed your hand ever so gently, before pulling you behind him.
“What are you doing?” you asked, even though you offered him no resistance whatsoever.
He glanced at you over his shoulder, a strand of dark hair falling in his eyes. “You look like you need some fresh air.”
You knew he was right, but something about him making the decision for you felt wrong.
“I can be the judge of that”, you said, planting your heels in the ground.
Taehyung didn’t stop, though he offered you a small laugh. That laugh did things to your mind that you couldn’t quite explain, though it made you stumble forward. You fell against Taehyung’s back, face digging in the soft fabric of his shirt.
You inhaled a whiff of his cologne as you tried to regain your footing, and when you finally were able to stand by yourself, you realized your hand had wrapped around one of his biceps. Your other fingers were still prisoners of his hand and you blushed before letting your hand fall to your side.
“Sorry.”
Your apology was uttered barely above a whisper, but you were standing so close you knew he had heard it. Or maybe you knew because his grip on your fingers tightened, his thumb brushing the back of your hand.
“It’s okay”, he reassured you. “Let’s just get some fresh air for you.”
This time, you obeyed, not feeling like making a fool out of yourself again. Your lips instinctively formed a pout, but you followed Taehyung across the living room, up until you reached the front door. He glanced over his shoulder and you tried to meet his gaze but he was looking over your shoulder. You followed his line of sight, though found yourself unable to figure out what he had been looking at before he pulled you out, shutting the door gently behind him.
The world outside was dark. Fresh, and it smelled of humidity and soil, and all the smells autumn holds. Taehyung had let your hand go as soon as you were outside and you took a step forward, moving away from the light of the porch as your eyes instinctively looked up to the sky and the endless blanket of stars. The moon was hidden somewhere and all you could see were all the little imprints of light up there, promises of worlds unexplored by humanity. Worlds that had maybe died a long time ago, yet their existence was just now reaching Earth.
You wondered if there was someone out there, looking out at their own stars and seeing the Sun. It was a strange thought to have for your drunk mind, yet it strangely sobered you up as you felt small.
“Do you think we’re alone in the universe?” you asked.
You glanced back at Taehyung. He was still standing next to the door, hands in his pockets, and he had a bewildered expression on his face. Eyes slightly widened and mouth hanging open, as if he was about to say something. Yet he remained silent and the way his eyes met yours felt intimate somehow. Like you indeed were alone in the universe, the last bastion of humanity, and Taehyung was taking the sight in.
It felt strange to be looked at like that when no man had ever looked at you for more than a few seconds.
“Sometimes I think we are”, Taehyung finally replied. He took a few steps towards you before craning his neck to look up at the stars. It had you resume your attention on the night sky, right as Taehyung spoke again. “But then I think the world is never-ending, and new stars are born every day and I realize the odds that we’re the only place that life happened are way too slim.”
You remained silent, taking his words in. They were weird in your dizzy state, though you did feel more sober now that you were outside. Now that you were alone with Taehyung and not stuck inside a too-warm house. A house that you would always consider a home, but really you weren’t quite sure you were one for parties like the one Eunjin was throwing.
Or maybe you just had too much to drink.
“When you begin to think about it, what were the odds of life happening?” you mumbled, a little more to yourself. “Like, what were the odds that our ancestors would exist and then have babies up until our parents and like…” you trailed off, brows furrowed as you tried to make sense of the thoughts in your head. “Like what were the odds that we both would be standing here tonight, looking at the stars?”
Taehyung let out a laugh. A clear sound in the fall night, that warmed it up just a little bit. “Are you drunk or high?”
“I’m just saying, life is a series of coincidences”, you said. You glared at him, brows knitted together, only to find him already looking at you.
You could only see half of his face in the dim light coming in from the porch. The half you could see was soft, the visible eye filled with an emotion you couldn’t decipher. All you knew was that it made the eye sparkle a little, with a glint that put the stars to shame. The other half of his face was casted in shadows, yet it didn’t hide how handsome Taehyung was.
And he really fucking was.
“Well, I’m happy this coincidence brought you here tonight”, Taehyung said.
You didn’t know what to say, only knew that you were weirdly attracted to him. Like a moth to a flame and you knew you were going to get burned. For some reason you couldn’t stop.
“I can’t believe it’s been like six years since we’ve seen each other”, you murmured.
Taehyung’s lips spread in the tiniest little smile. “I’ve been pretty busy.”
“I always thought we were friends”, you muttered, and your eyes moved away from his face, looking up at the sky once again. Maybe because you didn’t have the strength to look him in the eye while you were to speak your next words. “I was sad when you stopped replying to my texts.”
Taehyung tensed next to you. It made the night air a little colder, and you shivered as a heavy silence moved between you.
It was true. You had used to talk to Taehyung once in a while, encouraging him and congratulating him whenever BTS had won awards. You had acted with him like you acted with Jeongyu, treating him like someone you were close to… but then one day he had started replying with short messages instead of sentences, and then it had moved to emojis. And one day he had just stopped replying and you had been left wondering what you had done wrong.
For a long time you had thought he had known that you had been crushing on him. It had been over then, but you had always imagined it could explain why he just had stopped replying.
Eunjin had never known. No matter how close you were to her, you had never dared tell her that you had feelings for her brother, and you hadn’t mentioned that Taehyung had sort of ghosted you. If she had noticed she hadn’t said a thing.
“Life just got in the way, I guess”, Taehyung said. His voice was low, as if he too was aware of just how bad the excuse sounded. “I never meant to stop replying.”
You were pretty sure he had, but it was water under the bridge.
“Whatever, I don’t really care”, you joked, nudging him with your elbow. “At least I got to see your sorry face today.”
Your voice was strained, even to your ears. It felt awkward to be speaking to him like that and you wished you could take the words back.
“We were friends, if that can reassure you.” Taehyung ignored your last comment as he continued, “You were always like a little sister to me.”
The words didn’t sting like you had thought they would. Maybe because he had employed the past tense.
“Anyway.” You chuckled, granting him a glance. He was looking up at the sky, and you followed him, eyes moving to the many constellations that were lighting up the night. “How has this whole BTS thing been going? You are so big now.”
The atmosphere seemed to shift, falling back into a warmer state. “It’s been crazy. I still can’t believe I get to live this life.”
“I mean.” You paused, wetting your lips. “You worked hard for it, you deserve it.”
There was another silence, and a soft breeze moved on your features, though its coldness had you shivering again. You hoped Taehyung didn’t notice, because you didn’t feel like going back inside just yet.
“Thank you”, Taehyung breathed. “It does get…” He chuckled, as if he hadn’t meant to speak.
“What?” you asked, and your eyes trailed to him.
“It gets lonely sometimes”, he finished, meeting your gaze. The raw truth behind his words almost had you stumbling back. “Especially now that we aren’t doing everything together anymore.”
You felt sorry for him, yet you didn’t have any words of reassurance to offer. You lived a far simpler life than his, with a small crowd of friends that you kept close to you. You didn’t feel lonely, though at times you did picture yourself having someone around, someone more. It was a strange thought to have, one that had never really crossed your mind before. You didn’t know if it was because you were getting older, and everyone around you had already lived through many relationships.
Then again it wasn’t like you had ever been interested in a relationship anyway.
“I’m sorry”, you apologized. You didn’t know what for.
He shrugged his shoulders, eyes trailing back to the sky. “Don’t be.” It was his turn to nudge you with an elbow. “It’s not like it’s your fault.”
He wasn’t wrong and you had nothing to answer to that.
“Do you have anybody in your life?” he asked after some time.
Confusion moved through you, and a crease appeared between your eyebrows. “I mean, I have Eunjin and my family. Even Jeongyu and the rest of them.”
He threw you a no-bullshit look. “You know I didn’t mean that.”
That… That? Was Taehyung asking you if you were dating anyone?
“What?” you let out. You flushed red, and if it wasn’t for the remnants of the alcohol in your system you probably wouldn’t have been able to speak. “Why do you want to know that?”
He laughed at your flustered state. “I’m just trying to make conversation.”
You squinted your eyes as you looked at him, a little suspiciously. It had him laughing this time, boxy smile on display.
You were pretty sure that smile could stop wars.
“No”, you breathed out. “I’ve never dated anyone.”
Maybe that was too much of a truth, yet it fell from your mouth with nothing to stop it. Taehyung looked surprised, and his brows moved up.
“Why?”
You shrugged your shoulders, looking away from him as a warm flush coursed through your upper body. “I don’t know. I’ve never really been interested in a relationship before.”
He pondered about it for a time. “You sound like it has changed.”
“I don’t really know.” You pursed your lips, before saying, “It just feels weird to be twenty-six and to haven’t even had my first kiss yet.”
You hated yourself. You hated yourself and your stupid mouth that never knew when to shut up. You hated yourself even more as your words met a stunned silence. You wanted to decipher the expression on his face, but you couldn’t even bring yourself to look at him.
What a coward you were.
“There’s nothing wrong with that”, Taehyung said. He spoke carefully, as if he was afraid he’d speak the wrong words.
Oh.
“No I know.” You chuckled, wetting your lips before biting the bottom one in a nervous manner. “It’s just that I’d want to have done it all, just never had the opportunity.” You pursed your lips, furrowing your brows. “I mean, I had opportunities, just wasn’t interested until I realized I’m a little old for this.”
Taehyung chuckled beside you, a deep baritone sound that put a stop to the spiel of words falling from your mouth. “You’re not too old, Y/n.”
The way he said your name in that low voice of his… your mind went haywire.
“Everyone does it in their own time.” He turned until he was facing you, before grabbing your hand again, like he had been holding it when you had first come outside. “You’re freezing, we should get back inside.”
Only you weren’t ready to let the conversation go. “I’m fine.” You didn’t pull your hand away from his as you continued, “Do you think I’m attractive?”
From the way he was standing, more light was illuminating his features. So, you could see his jaw clenching as he held your gaze unblinkingly, eyes turning dark. “You’re drunk, Y/n, let’s get you to bed.”
“You didn’t answer the question.”
He sighed, eyes dipping to your lips. “Yes, you are. Why would you think you aren’t?”
“You’re saying that just to make me happy.”
He chuckled, the sound a little bitter, entirely different from his previous small laughs. “I’m saying it because it is a fact.”
You took a step closer to him, angling your face up so he could gaze down at you.
Drunk you really was a menace to sober you, wasn’t she? Because you weren’t talking about kissing. You were talking about so much more, and you could tell Taehyung knew.
“Prove it”, you breathed.
His eyes widened again, but soon they were overcome by darkness, a cloud that covered the light you had seen there before. He wet his lips, looking at you, shaking his head slightly as if he didn’t believe you were real. He then leaned down to speak into your ear. “You just want to be touched, do you?”
Your blood started boiling in your veins at the feeling of his warm breath on the side of your face. “I want to know why people like sex that much.”
“I could show you.”
To have Kim Taehyung say that to you turned you into playdough. Playdough that he could mold into whatever shape he preferred and you didn’t even care. It was your teenager self’s fantasy after all.
And maybe you should have been worried, by his willingness to show you. Maybe you should have been ticked off by it, yet you still found yourself whispering, “Please show me, Tae.”
He didn’t move or say anything for a long time. So long that you found yourself pulling away, up until you could gaze at his features.
His eyes were closed but at the feeling of your gaze on him, his eyelids fluttered open. “You’re drunk”, he repeated his previous words. Yet the dark look hadn’t left his features, the low tone hadn’t left his voice. “Let’s see if you still feel the same tomorrow.”
There was a high chance that you’d just be embarrassed as all hell, yet you found yourself agreeing. Because really you wanted to die under the intensity of Taehyung’s gaze. No one had ever looked at you like that before, and you didn’t want him to look away. You were aware it was the alcohol singing in your blood, and it would all come crashing down when you’d wake up with a pounding headache the next day. Yet you found yourself agreeing.
Maybe because the devil had never looked as good as Taehyung did.
*****
Light poured through the window next to which you were sleeping, encasing you in a prison of warmth and brightness that made you wake up feeling dehydrated. Your blood was pumping in your ears and your whole body felt as if it was burning. You cracked an eye open, wincing as the sun blinded you. You put a hand on your face, letting out a small whimper, before sitting up on the mattress, face turning away from the window.
You only then opened your eyes again, freezing when you noticed where you were.
Taehyung’s bedroom. You were sleeping in Taehyung’s bedroom. You looked around, eyes skimming over the familiar furniture, heart beating out of your chest. It made you dizzy again, as you tried to remember what happened last night.
You didn’t remember a lot, after that conversation you had with him outside. But what you remembered of the conversation had you wanting to throw yourself off a cliff. You had flirted with Taehyung. He had flirted back, had told you he could show you…
Just the thought of it had you letting out a small curse, and your head fell into your hands. What had you done?
“Good morning”, Jeongyu said from the doorframe.
You startled, looking between your fingers. He had a shit-eating grin on his face. “What?” you let out.
He chuckled. “Why are you wearing Taehyung’s t-shirt?”
You glanced down at your chest and sure enough, you were clad in a white Celine t-shirt, one you knew fully well belonged to Taehyung.
“Aish, what is going on?” you mumbled, hands falling in your lap.
“Don’t worry, hyung slept on the couch downstairs. You were pretty wasted last night.”
Blood rushed to your cheeks. “Did I do anything weird?”
“Not particularly”, Jeongyu said, shrugging his shoulders. “I was pretty wasted myself. Honestly, only Taehyung was sober.”
Taehyung was sober and still had told you what he had? What hell had you stepped into?
“Why are you guys so loud?” Eunjin grumbled. She came into view, her hair a mess as she let out a yawn. It took her a moment to register that you were currently sitting in her brother’s bed, wearing one of his shirts. When she did focus on the scene, her eyes widened and her mouth fell open. “What the fuck?”
Jeongyu punched her in the shoulder. “You’re lucky appa didn’t hear you say that.”
There were so many questions in Eunjin’s eyes it had you chuckling awkwardly.
“I don’t know”, you said, running a hand through your hair. “I don’t know anything.”
“Bitch, you better have some explanation”, Eunjin replied and she walked in, making her way to you. She put her fists against her hips, and you let out another laugh as she stopped in front of you.
“Ayt, I’m out”, Jeongyu said before disappearing.
“Did you sleep with my brother?” Eunjin asked.
You winced at the sound of her voice, eyes shutting. “Why are you speaking so loud?”
She huffed, stomping on the ground. “Answer me, Y/n.”
You cracked an eye open, meeting your best friend’s gaze. “I don’t remember last night but I don’t think I did.”
“Where’s the fucker anyway?”
You shrugged your shoulders. “No idea.”
And really, Taehyung was nowhere to be found. Even when you and Eunjin finally made your way downstairs, Taehyung wasn’t there. A look out the window of the living room told you that his car wasn’t in the front yard anymore, and you tried to hide your disappointment as best as you could.
You hadn’t expected him to leave so soon after what he had told you that he could show you. Teach you even, about sex. It made your embarrassment ten times worse, especially as Eunjin kept pressing for questions. Questions you didn’t have answers to because, frankly, you hadn’t a clue as to how you had ended up in Taehyung’s room.
It was a confusing shitshow indeed.
It remained that way for two weeks, as you went back to Seoul and to your regular office life. Focusing on work helped to get your mind off of Taehyung’s words, and of the shame that choked you up whenever you thought about what you had said to him.
The worst part about it all was that Taehyung didn’t talk to you at all. Didn’t text you, didn’t call. Some part of you had expected him to, the foolish part of you that had been reminded of your crush on him. But no, Taehyung became a ghost in your life again, as if Eunjin’s party had never happened.
Eunjin, on the other hand, didn’t become a ghost at all. No, your best friend forced you to hang out far more than you usually did, as if she was still reeling from getting her new job. You didn’t blame her, it was her dream job after all. But it did get tiring, as you went out for drinks a couple of nights in a row, with people she knew and you didn’t. She always made sure that you felt included, but you had always been a little more on the introverted side.
Maybe that was why you found yourself deciding to leave early on the latest night out. You had been drinking soju with Eunjin and her new coworkers, playing drinking games that had your blood slowly fill with alcohol. The fresh air helped the dizziness that had taken over you and you walked in the night, content with your sudden loneliness. You watched the people around you, bowing your head politely, and soon enough you found a snack stand. You were ordering some tteokbokki for yourself when your phone rang in your purse.
You fumbled with the zipper of the purse, drunk fingers clumsy as they tried to hold on to it. It took you a moment but soon enough you fished your phone out of your purse, fingers holding onto it as if it was a treasure. The lady behind the little snack bar offered you a curious glance but you ignored her as you picked up the call right before it went to voicemail.
“Hi!” you let out happily, hiding your mouth behind your hand when you realized how loud you had spoken. There was silence on the other side of the line, apart from the sound of music. You furrowed your brows, assuming it was Eunjin. “Eunjin-ah, I’m on my way home.”
There was a chuckle. A man’s chuckle. A surprisingly deep chuckle. You looked at the screen of your phone, blinking a few times at the name you read. Taehyung. Why the fuck was Taehyung calling you now?
“Hi, Y/n”, he said.
You quickly put the phone against your ear again. “Why are you calling me?”
“I wanted to hear your voice”, he answered, his deep baritone voice sending shivers down your spine.
You scoffed. “You don’t talk to me for two weeks and then you tell me that?”
He didn’t reply for a long time, as if he felt guilty. You really hoped he did because he totally deserved it.
“I’ve been busy”, he replied. “But I’m hosting a party right now and it’s missing you.”
You barely heard his words as the snack lady offered you your tteokbokki. You thanked her before moving towards one of the empty wooden tables that stood next to the stand.
“What?” you said once you were sitting.
“Do you want to come over?” Taehyung asked.
You furrowed your brows, holding your phone with your shoulder as you opened the paper pack that held your chopsticks. “I’m eating.”
“Where are you?”
You looked around, startling when a car honked in the street. “At a snack bar next to Eunjin’s work.”
“I’ll come get you”, Taehyung said. He sounded determined, and it made you laugh. “Why are you laughing?”
“Why do you want to come get me?” you asked, digging your chopsticks in the tteokbokki. It was rosé tteokbokki, and you couldn’t help the little content hum you let out as you ate.
“What was that?” Taehyung asked.
He sounded like he was moving away from the music and soon enough all you could hear was the sound of his breathing.
“My rosé tteokbokki is hitting good”, you replied. “Please don’t come, though.”
“I want to see you”, he said matter-of-factly. “I’m coming no matter what you say.”
You pouted. “You don’t even know where I am.”
“You’re at the tteokbokki stand near Eunjin’s work”, he pointed out. “That should be easy enough to find.”
You whined. “Please, Taehyung, I’m drunk, I don’t want to see you.”
“Well good thing the drive is going to take a while, you’ll have plenty of time to sober up.” He paused, and you could hear a car door opening and closing.
“I’ll be gone by the time you get here.”
You could almost hear him rolling his eyes on his side of the line. “Do you even live within walking distance from Eunjin’s work?”
Your stubborn silence was answer enough.
“See, just send me your location and I’ll drive you home”, he said.
You looked up at the sky, watching the moon behind the clouds. “You said something about a party, no?”
The sound of the engine coming to live covered your words, right as the call switched to his car’s Bluetooth.
“What did you say?”
You wet your lips. “You mentioned a party when I got my tteokbokki.”
“I’m hosting a party right now, but it doesn’t matter”, he replied.
“Can you even drive?”
He chuckled. “I have stopped drinking for a little over two months.”
So he had been sober at Eunjin’s party? You winced, hiding your face in your hand. “Gosh.”
“What?”
You shrugged. “Nothing.”
There was a long silence, as you focused on eating the tteokbokki. Anything to not think about how embarrassed you were. Taehyung didn’t hang up though, as if he wanted to make sure you weren’t going to bail on him. Truthfully, you didn’t really want to walk home alone, not now that Taehyung had reminded you of just how long the walk would have been.
“Can you share your location?” Taehyung asked after a few minutes of silence.
You bit your lower lip, pulling the phone away from your ear so you could do so. “Did you get it?” you asked as soon as you were done.
“Yeah.” There was a brief pause, and Taehyung let out a small chuckle. “Eunjin got you drunk and left you alone once again?”
Your brows knitted together. “What?”
“Like at her party”, he pointed out.
You winced, shaking your head. “I doubt this is like her party.” You ate some tteokbokki, appreciating the flavor before swallowing. “How did I even get to your bedroom?”
“I carried you to bed because you were starting to pass out on the couch”, he admitted. “You don’t remember?” There was a vulnerability in his words, as if he regretted his actions.
“No”, you let out. “Thank you for taking care of me.”
He remained silent, but you could imagine the smile that was playing on his lips.
“When should you be here?” you asked after a time.
“ETA should be fifteen minutes”, he answered. “You still have some tteokbokki left?”
You looked down at the almost empty bowl. “There won’t be when you arrive.”
He laughed. “That’s okay, I’m not hungry.”
You nodded, finishing your bowl as Taehyung focused on driving. You brought it back to the lady before sitting back at the table, eyes going up to the sky. It reminded you of when you had stargazed with Taehyung, and all the things you had told him.
“I’m sorry”, you apologized.
“About what?”
You shrugged. “For what I said at Eunjin’s party. I shouldn’t have told you all of that.”
“It’s okay”, Taehyung reassured you. “That’s why I kept my distance.”
His words rang in your ears for a time, and blush crept on your cheeks. “Oh.”
“But I figured two weeks was plenty enough”, he added, as if he had sensed your disappointment. “I missed being close to you.”
Your blush only deepened as you played with the hem of your shirt. “Have you?”
“Of course I did”, he said. “You’ve always been important to me.”
You pursed your lips, suppressing the smile that had wanted to form on your lips. “Then it’s a good thing you called me tonight.”
“It truly is.”
You shared another silence, one so long you almost thought Taehyung had fallen asleep on his side of the line. Hadn’t you known he was driving you might have hung up, but you wanted to stay with him.
That damn crush.
“I’ll be there in a few minutes”, Taehyung said. “Are you asleep?”
“No”, you replied, suppressing the yawn that you had almost let out. “I’m just chilling.”
“Good.” He paused, and you wondered what he was thinking. You wondered what had made him decide to come back into your life like that.
It was hard to know, as Taehyung had always been private about his life. Even when he was younger he had never really shared anything with you. Maybe that was just because you were his sister’s friend and not his, or maybe it was the age gap. Not that he was all that older, but three years could be a lot sometimes, especially growing up.
“I’m parking the car”, Taehyung told you. “Are you okay with walking to the corner of the street?”
You glanced at it, noticing the same SUV that had been at their parents’ house the day of Eunjin’s party. “Are you in the gray SUV?”
“Yeah.”
A rush of adrenaline coursed through your blood. “I can see you.”
He chuckled. “I think I see you too.”
A shy smile broke on your lips as you got up. “Don’t look at me walking, it’s just going to be awkward.”
“I don’t think anything can be awkward between us after what you said two weeks ago”, Taehyung teased. You could hear the smirk in his voice and it made you stop in your tracks.
“Taehyung!” you shrieked.
He laughed heartily, a laugh that had your insides feeling weirdly warm. “I’m just playing with you, come here.”
You obeyed, eyes focusing on the cracks in the cement. You were too afraid to catch Taehyung’s gaze if you looked up. “I’m going to hang up now”, you mumbled, and Taehyung let out another laugh that was cut off by the line going out.
You reached his car, walking around it to open the passenger door. Taehyung offered you a warm smile as you got in, one of his boxy smiles that used to make you go crazy when you were younger. After what he had just said, all you wanted was to punch his teeth in, but you instead chose to stare at a spot on the dash.
“Hey there”, he greeted you as if you hadn’t been talking over the phone for a while already.”
“Hey.”
He ran a hand through his hair. “Well, where do you live?”
You blushed, glancing at him once. “Let me put it into your phone’s GPS.”
He nodded, offering you his phone. You quickly put the address in, before handing the device back to him. His long fingers closed around yours as he grabbed the phone, sending shivers right through your spine.
Taehyung had attractive hands. You had always been aware of it, but having his fingers on you, even though it was barely a touch… it made your insides go crazy.
“Damn, it’s a longer drive than I thought”, he said.
You nodded, playing with the hem of your shirt again. “Yeah, I wouldn’t have made it home by foot.” You met his gaze then, right as he turned his key in the ignition and the engine sparked to life again. “Thank you for coming to get me.”
“Anytime”, he said, and his features melted into a softness that made you look away once again. “I’m sorry Eunjin left you alone.”
“She did not!” you quickly said, a defensive tone taking over your voice. “She would never leave me alone.” You threw him a glance, only to notice he had an eyebrow cocked and he was holding in a smile. “What?” you let out.
He chuckled, eyes darting towards you before focusing on the road again. “Why are you so quick to defend her when it’s clear that that’s what happened?”
A small angry pout formed on your lips. “I chose to leave because I didn’t know her friends and it was awkward.” You folded your arms on your chest, looking outside the window. “I’m a grown woman, I can make my own decisions.”
“Like telling me that you are a virgin?”
Your eyes rounded in surprise as you turned towards him so quickly your neck almost hurt. “Taehyung, what the hell!”
He laughed heartily again, and the sound had your insides filling with butterflies. “I’m just teasing you.”
“Please don’t.”
You exchanged a quick look before his eyes slid to the road again. You hoped he hadn’t noticed your turning a scarlet red from his words, but you were pretty sure he had. For all his teasing and childishness, Taehyung was a very observant person.
“I’m sorry”, he apologized after a time.
You sighed, pursing your lips. “It’s okay.”
Silence engulfed you, and you looked outside at the lights of the city again, leaning against the car door to get a better view. You could feel Taehyung’s occasional glance on your profile, and you tried not to let it get to your head.
Tried and failed, as you realized you were currently sitting in his car. Just the two of you, far from the usual setting that your friendship consisted of back in Daegu. As if time hadn’t changed anything between you, except where the friendship took place. In the neon lights of the world outside, Taehyung looked as if he hadn’t changed at all, as if he was still the boy you had had a crush on.
Or maybe that was only because your crush had definitely come back now, playing with your mind as you tried to ignore him.
“Do you want to listen to any music?” he enquired, his deep voice sending a chill through your spine.
You hadn’t expected the question, and your eyes slid to his handsome profile. “Uh, what do you listen to?”
“Lots of different stuff”, he said, catching your gaze for half a second before looking away. “Mostly jazz though.”
A soft smile grew on your lips. “Right, you’ve always loved jazz.”
He chuckled. “How do you know that?”
You flushed pink, once again looking away. “You’ve made it pretty obvious.” You cleared your throat, trying to hide the embarrassment that was choking you. “Don’t you play the trumpet or something?”
“I do.” He ran a hand through his hair, the motion catching your attention. “I play many instruments.”
You knew. You had heard him play many of them in the past, and had even played with him when you were younger, when he was just your best friend’s older brother.
“Do you remember when we did a show for your parents and your grandmother?” you asked, as the memory came forth in your mind, overpowering your other thoughts.
You could still see the scene. You had been in the field behind their house, with Taehyung playing the saxophone while Eunjin played the violin. You had just been playing around with your flute, and Jeongyu had refused to participate saying it was going to be a horrendous show, your brother tagging along with him. They hadn’t been wrong, and the whole thing had ended in a fit of giggles the adults had shared with you all.
“You were the worst flutist”, Taehyung said, a soft smile moving on his lips at the memory. “It was cute.”
Blush found its way back to your cheeks. “You thought I was cute?”
“Of course.” He nodded, before glancing at you again. “You’ve always been cute.”
His words stopped your heart in your chest, and when it started again you were pretty sure the erratic beating was going to kill you. It rendered you speechless, and your hand instinctively shot towards the radio display screen of the SUV. You clicked on the music app, quickly putting music on to hide the awkwardness that had filled the air.
Taehyung didn’t say anything right away, but you knew he had noticed. He probably had heard the wild beats of your heart too.
“Don’t be shy”, he murmured in a low voice. He wet his lips, before continuing, “I’ve been thinking about you constantly since Eunjin’s party.”
Could he see your hands were shaking because of how shy you felt?
“Ah.” You gulped as you tried to swallow. “Have you?”
“It’s hard to think about something else when you asked me what you did.”
For a reason unknown, his words calmed the shaking of your hands, heat trickling inside of you until you felt far too hot for your own good. “Forget about it, you know, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“What if I want it?”
This couldn’t be happening. Kim Taehyung couldn’t say he wanted you. He was too far out of your league, made of stuff women all around the world dreamed about. Just because you had known him before he was famous didn’t make you any different.
“Taehyung…” you trailed off, unable to find words to say. All you could do was stare at his profile, eyes falling to the lips he wet with a dart of his tongue.
“I know you drank tonight so not tonight, but I’d like to hang out with you, Y/n.” He glanced at you for a moment, long enough for you to see the intensity that had taken over his gaze. “If that’s something you would like.”
From the way heat was collecting at your core, you were pretty sure you couldn’t refuse the offer. “I’ve sobered up, by the way.”
You let your words hang in the silence that stretched between you, only interrupted by the soft jazz music that was playing over the car speakers.
“But we’re almost there”, he said, eyes sliding to you as his car slid to a halt at a stop sign.
There was courage in you. Courage you had never even thought you had, and you spoke the next words without an ounce of hesitation. “You could come up with me.”
He chuckled, as if in disbelief, looking away. “Ah, Y/n, you cannot do this to me.”
“You are the one that said you want to hang out with me.” You paused, heart beating wildly in your chest. “Prove it.”
“Are you sure you are not drunk anymore?” he asked.
“I was just a little tipsy”, you pointed out. “I never was drunk.”
He slowly nodded. “Right.” He ran a hand through his hair, before looking at the road again as the car started moving. “I’ll come up with you then.”
You nodded too, unable to find any words to say. All you knew was that you were going crazy inside, and that you weren’t even sure you’d make it up to your apartment. In truth, you were quite convinced you were going to have a heart attack right then and there.
You wet your lips, gulping as you swallowed trying to wet your throat that had turned dry. At the same time, knowing that Taehyung wanted to hang out with you… it made you warm inside. Made the butterflies feel safer, and the reciprocity of wanting to spend time with you made them realer. To think he’d step foot in your apartment… it filled you with an excitement you had never really known before, and all you knew was that you couldn’t wait for him to step in the private place that was yours. A place only your closest friends had ever been in before…
Yet there was a dangerous aura surrounding Taehyung. Something you hadn’t really seen before, an intensity to him that attracted you the way fire attracted a moth. It made your breathing a little shorter, and the beating of your heart a little faster.
What had you gotten yourself into?
*****
Your apartment felt small, now that Taehyung was standing in the middle of it. And really, it was a small place. A loft, with your bed in one corner atop a small flight of stairs, and a couch in the space between the kitchen and the so-called bedroom. There was a clock on the wall above the couch, and a TV on the wall facing it, though you never really watched TV all that much. Most of the time when you were at home was spent chilling on your laptop, watching k-dramas online or videos on Youtube.
The plant your mom had gifted you when you had moved to Seoul proudly stood under the TV, next to a TV cabinet on top of which pictures of you and Eunjin smiled back at you. There were pictures of your family too, and you knew that one of them held a very young Taehyung, along with Eunjin and Jeongyu. Taehyung hadn’t noticed it yet, but you knew it would only be a matter of time.
“Welcome to my humble abode”, you said as you motioned to the space surrounding you, trying to ease the nerves that were threatening to overcome your senses.
Taehyung flashed a grin at you, one that had your insides going molten. “It’s pretty cosy, I like it.”
His words made you redden, and your eyes fell to the carpet in front of the couch. It was a plush light gray carpet, on which you lay whenever things got too intense at work and you needed a break from life. You could almost imagine the shape of you in the carpet from the last time you laid there, and you focused on it as Taehyung’s heavy gaze moved on your profile.
“Thank you”, you breathed before looking at him. “It’s clearly not as fancy as where you live but it’s what I can afford.”
He chuckled. “Who says I live somewhere fancy?”
You threw him a no-bullshit look, folding your arms on your chest as a reply.
“Okay, I might live somewhere fancy”, he said, raising his hands in defense. “No need to glare at me like that.”
You flushed red again. “I didn’t mean…”
“Y/n, you’re fine”, Taehyung reassured you. “I’m only teasing you.” He flashed another one of his boxy smiles, and you couldn’t help but smile at him too.
“Do you want something to drink?” you asked, moving towards the refrigerator in the corner of the kitchen space. “I don’t have much but I think I have banana milk.”
“Are you Jungkook-ie?” he asked, taking you by surprise.
“What?”
He shook his head. “Never mind. It’s just that Jungkook always drinks that.”
“I don’t blame him, it is so good.” A small excited smile took over your lips as you grabbed the milk from the fridge. “It’s heaven in a bottle.”
“People usually say that about alcohol”, Taehyung pointed out.
“That’s because they’ve never had banana milk.”
He laughed again, and it made your apartment seem warmer than it usually was. It made you feel warmer too, and you met Taehyung’s gaze.
He was beautiful. Incredibly so. The kind of man you were convinced women wrote books about. A man with a softness to him, a vulnerability to him that had always made him attractive to you. No matter who he was now, Taehyung had been the center of your gravity when you were younger, even though you had tried to play it cool. Years of not talking had not changed that, and you found yourself gravitating back towards him as you started drinking your banana milk.
“Can I have a taste of that?” he asked, voice falling to his baritone register.
Even his goddamn voice was attractive to you.
You took a long sip, letting the taste dance on your tongue before you handed the milk to him. His eyes met yours, and he looked at you as he drank, gaze never once faltering. It was intense, the way he looked at you, and you found you were too much of a coward to hold it. But when your eyes fell to his lips, you realized maybe you weren’t a coward all that much.
Because you desperately wanted to step closer to him and feel his lips against yours.
He handed you the banana milk back before sitting on the couch. You carefully watched him, eyes going down to his lap as he spread his thighs just a little.
Manspreading had never looked as good as when Kim Taehyung was doing it on your couch.
You moved closer to him, sitting with the top of your body angled towards him. He glanced at you, a small smirk adorning his lips. It left you confused for a time, but then again you were fully aware of what he might be thinking.
Hell, you had all but told him you wanted to sleep with him a few weeks ago. And had reiterated it in his car a little under an hour ago.
“How’s work been going?” he asked, taking the conversation on an unexpected curve.
You were glad for it though, because you had no idea how to approach the other subject, the elephant in the room. “It’s been busy, but I’ve had busier weeks”, you admitted. “I imagine it’s not as busy as you.”
“I’m pretty sure working for Samsung can get busy.” He raised his eyebrows, offering you a tight-lipped smile as you were about to deny it. “Don’t lie to me, I know you too well.”
You didn’t know your body could tingle from someone’s word. “Do you?”
A lazy smirk grew on his lips, and your eyes fell to it. “Oh, I do. After all this time, I still do.”
You had no idea how to interpret it, but it did make you feel hot again, like he had made you feel in the car. It was strange to think that it came naturally to Taehyung – making you feel like that. As if he knew the ins and outs of your brain even better than you did.
And maybe he did.
“How is this going to work?” you asked, a little awkwardly as you motioned between the two of you with the hand holding the banana milk.
Avoiding the elephant in the room was pointless after all. You busied yourself with a sip of banana milk as Taehyung’s face fell serious, looking away from you as he seemed to think.
“What do you want to know?” he asked after a time, his words echoing the conversation you had had under a blanket of stars in Daegu.
“Everything”, you replied, throat going dry once again.
He wet his lips, eyes dipping to yours. “You’ve never done anything at all, right?”
As embarrassing as it was, you nodded your head.
“Then I can’t do everything yet, can I?”
You gulped, slightly shaking your head.
“Use your words, Y/n.” The low voice he had used to utter your name made your blood boil in your veins.
“Why can’t you?” you asked, voice small.
“You deserve someone that takes their time with you”, he breathed.
You wondered if he could hear your heart beating out of your chest. “Someone?”
“It’s a good thing I’m the kind of man that likes to take his time”, he continued, not really answering your question. Your teeth instinctively dug in your bottom lip, and you froze as he reached up, thumb releasing your lip. “Don’t do that.”
You slowly nodded.
“Why don’t you finish your milk so we can get started, mmh?” he said, his low baritone voice engulfing you in its warmth as his hand slowly fell to his lap.
You gulped once again, eyes falling down to the forgotten plastic bottle in your hand. You looked at it as if it was foreign, before taking a small sip. Taehyung carefully watched you as you did so, intense gaze observing your features in a way that made you feel seen, like you had never been before.
As if no one had really seen you until Kim Taehyung had been gazing at you.
“I can always finish it later”, you muttered, before putting it down on the floor next to the couch. You sat back, angling your body towards him even more.
“Look at you, so eager to learn”, he said, smirking again. “No wonder you told me what you did that night.” He wet his lips and you found yourself unable to look away from his mouth.
“Gosh, Tae, do you speak to all women like that?”
He offered you a secretive smile, hand moving up between you until his thumb was pulling your lower lip away from the teeth you had unknowingly sunk into it. “Only to the pretty ones.”
Your breath caught in your throat, though you weren’t sure if it was because of his words or because he slowly leaned towards you. Anxiety moved through you, and you widened your gaze as his eyelids fell shut, right before he gently pressed his lips against yours.
You froze, unmoving, not knowing what to do as the plumpness of his mouth met your lips. Taehyung let out a small chuckle as he pulled away, eyes opening to meet your gaze. “Close your eyes, Y/n”, he breathed, caressing your bottom lip with his thumb again. “Just follow my lead.”
You nodded, and your eyelids fluttered shut as he kissed you again, ever so softly. Lips establishing a slow rhythm, one you found easier to follow after the first few seconds. Taehyung’s hand cupped your cheek, pulling you closer, as he turned his head into the kiss, angling his mouth so it met yours in a more intimate embrace.
You sighed, blood rushing to your cheeks as your thoughts zeroed in on the fact that you were currently kissing your childhood crush. A man wanted by so many girls in the world it was hard to believe he had chosen to be with you right now, in this moment.
It almost made you pull away, but when Taehyung swiped his tongue against your lower lip, all thoughts exited your brain and your hand shot to his chest, resting flatly against it. You could feel the beats of his heart, a constant melody that seemed just a little too quick for it to be normal, contrary to the erratic beats of your own heart. You could feel every beat as it echoed in your ribcage, pumping blood to your whole body, and maybe a little more to the warmth between your legs.
Taehyung’s tongue tasted your lips again, and this time you parted them, allowing him entrance. You let out a small breathy sound as his tongue met yours, and you could feel his mouth stretching into a smirk as he continued kissing you, rhythm still ever so calm and soft. As if he didn’t want you to be scared or intimidated by the act of kissing him.
You were way beyond that now.
Taehyung tasted sweet. He tasted of strawberries and honey, and it reminded you of the farm. Of days of summers past, spent in his company and that of his siblings and your brother. It reminded you of sunrays and warm breezes, of leaves dancing in the wind and birds singing in the trees. Of laughter echoing in the house with the red door at the end of the dirt road, where you had grown into the person that you were today.
Taehyung was reassuring, in a nostalgic kind of way. And maybe that, most of all, was the reason why you felt so comfortable with him, so willing to give yourself away to him. You didn’t know if it was safe, if the Taehyung you were with right now was the same that you had known back then, but you found you couldn’t stop.
You found you didn’t want to stop kissing him. Not when the very act of it was intoxicating, liberating, as if you were a bird that had just learned how to soar up above in the clouds.
He brushed his thumb on your cheekbone, bringing you back to reality before gently pulling a stray strand of hair behind your ear. It made butterflies take flight in your stomach, right as you deepened the kiss, pushing your tongue in his mouth just like he had been doing to you a moment ago. Taehyung answered by sucking on it, ever so gently, before pulling away.
The absence of his lips against yours grounded you back into reality, but you kept your eyes closed, chasing the remnants of the kiss in your memory, letting his flavour linger just a little longer.
“You’re such a good girl already”, Taehyung murmured, and his words had a burning sensation take the place of the soft warmth in your core.
“Tae…” you breathed, opening your eyes.
You found him already looking at you, with a slightly widened gaze. As if you were a surprise, something he had never thought he’d see. And maybe you were.
“For someone that has never kissed before, you sure know how to do it”, he said, always a little tease, and his lips spread into a smile. Into a grin, even.
Your blush deepened, right as the corners of your mouth tugged upwards too. “I followed your lead.”
He smirked. “As I said, you’re already such a good girl.”
You chuckled, a small feminine sound you hadn’t expected to have in you. Taehyung echoed it by tilting his head to the side, watching you as if you were a curiosity.
“What now?”
Your question had his mouth parting, smirk disappearing. His eyes clouded with that same desire you had seen earlier, turning darker than they already were. And Taehyung had a dark gaze, a gaze so deep you knew you could get lost in it.
You wondered how many girls had gotten lost in him before. The thought was almost enough to shower your arousal away, yet it clung to you as Taehyung ran a hand along your arm, fingers barely even grazing your skin.
“You will have to be patient, Y/n”, Taehyung said, offering you a wicked smirk that had your insides turning gooey. “This was your first kiss, we shouldn’t jump into something more right away, mmh?”
You wanted to ask why not, but the sweetness that had taken over his voice at his last words stopped you from doing so. Because it was sweet, the way he spoke. As if you were worth all of his time, a show he wanted to appreciate in its full length instead of rushing to the end.
It was a dangerous way to feel. A treacherous one, and you could already feel the ground beneath you tilting, threatening to make you fall. You could only hope your feet wouldn’t give up underneath you, or else you’d slide down the slope.
“I’ve already waited my whole life”, you pointed out, your lust finally winning over your will to remain silent. “I don’t want to wait anymore.”
Taehyung’s mouth spread in a thin line, as if your words had threatened to make him fall into insanity. He tsked, slowly shaking his head in disbelief. “Then why don’t you take off your shirt?”
You paused for only a half beat before grabbing the hem of it, pulling it over your head. The discarded piece of clothing met the floor, falling softly. Like a feather would fall, a feather from one of the many pillow fights you had shared. It was as if time had slowed, and it really felt like it, as Taehyung’s gaze dropped to your chest, drinking in the sight of you.
“So beautiful”, he whispered, and one of his hands reached forward, palming your breasts over your bra. You stiffened a little, and he met your gaze again, hand pulling away, remaining close enough for you to feel its warmth still. “Is it okay if I touch you?”
You nodded, doing your best not to think more than needed.
He chuckled. “I want to hear you say it.”
“Please touch me”, you quickly said, voice hitching in your throat as Taehyung grabbed you with that big hand of his again, leaning forward to catch your lips in a passionate kiss. It didn’t take long for his other hand to grab onto your other breast, and he pinched your hardened nipples through the fabric.
You moaned. It was an unexpected sound, one that came from deep within your throat. It seemed to set Taehyung haywire, because he grunted into the kiss, biting at your bottom lip. It made you moan again, right as his hands reached to your back to unclasp your bra. He only pulled away once the piece of clothing met your shirt on the floor, eyes falling to your naked breasts for half a second before he moved down, licking at one of your nipples.
Your hand moved in his hair, digits slightly shaking as you grabbed a handful of it to pull him back into another kiss, one that had your teeth clashing together. It didn’t slow you down. Not even a little bit, as Taehyung played with your nipples again, rolling the hardened buds between his thumb and forefinger.
As foreign as the feeling was, it made you arch your back, moaning in his mouth again. He kept going at it for a time, until his lips left yours to move down your neck, leaving a trail of hot wet kisses along your jaw and down to your collarbone. He sucked on it, leaving a small purple bruise behind before going lower, catching one of your nipples in his mouth. You could feel every swipe of his tongue on the sensitive bud, and your eyes fell shut as you arched even more, pushing your breasts into his face as he massaged the free one with one of his hands.
His other hand hovered at your waist, holding you gently. As if he wanted to give you a chance to escape if you wanted to, but still needed to feel more of your skin against his careful digits. And you wanted to feel more of his, you wanted to feel all of his body pressed against all of yours.
A dangerous way to feel indeed.
“Tae…” you breathed again, pulling at his hair a little.
He looked up at you, lips glossed by his ministrations against your nipple, or maybe by the kiss you had previously shared. “Everything okay?”
“I want more.”
He smirked, that same wicked smirk that made you burn inside. “Be patient, Y/n.”
You let out a frustrated sigh, one that hitched in your throat as the hand that was hovering next to your waist moved between your legs, barely grazing your clothed pussy before resting on your inner thigh.
“I won’t have sex with you tonight”, Taehyung told you.
And though the revelation disappointed you, you slowly nodded your head. “That’s okay.”
“I didn’t bring any condoms”, Taehyung added. “Otherwise I’d fuck you all night long.”
His crude words made your eyes widen, right as you pressed your thighs together in the hopes of getting a little friction where you desperately needed it. “You can’t say stuff like that”, you complained.
Taehyung offered you a toothy grin that inched far closer to endearment than lust. “I can and I will.”
You rolled your eyes, though they rolled to the back of your head as he pressed his hand against your core again.
“So receptive”, he praised you. “Why don’t you lay on your back?”
It was a command in a clever disguise. You were pretty sure no one could ever disobey Taehyung, not when he spoke with that deep baritone voice of his. You moved, lying down, legs going on each side of him. He looked down at you, hungrily, teeth slightly biting at his lower lip as he drank you in.
And he did drink you in, making you feel as if you were the finest bottle of wine he had ever tasted. The nectar of the gods, ambrosia making him salivate with the thought of tasting you. Of tasting more of you, all of you, until he knew every flavour of you.
“What do you think of when you touch yourself?” he asked, tilting his head to the side as he ran a hand on your thigh.
Even though you were still wearing pants, the press of his fingers against you had arousal pooling at your core. Always more, your body responding to him in a way it had never responded to you.
You remained silent, half trying to think about a witty answer and half trying not to moan as he pressed a thumb on your clothed self, right on top of your clit. And he pressed hard, a shot of sensitivity running up your spine and making your legs tighten around him. He chuckled at your reaction, before releasing the pressure just enough for thoughts to start taking form in your head again.
And you didn’t know the answer to his question. Most of the time you just thought of romantic scenarios that you had seen in movies or read about in books taking the forefront of your fantasies. But as you looked up at Taehyung through half-lidded eyes, you knew your fantasies were going to change, to morph into the man between your legs.
“I don’t know”, you replied, breath itching in your throat as he pressed harder again.
“Should I give you stuff to think about?”
It was the low voice. The baritone timber of him. You’d let him tell you anything with that voice of his.
Blood rushed to your cheeks as he watched you pointedly, clearly expecting a reply.
“You already are”, you mumbled, and he offered you another wicked smile.
“Then let’s make this better, mmh?”
You would never refuse him making you feel better. So you nodded, arching your back a little as your hips instinctively grinded up into his hand. The dark gaze returned as he pushed you down, before bending forward to press a kiss on your jaw.
The proximity of his mouth to yours had your lips parting open, and a second later your mouths crashed, another passionate kiss searing the deal between you. Burning it into your flesh, turning you into his. Because the way Taehyung kissed you, the way he touched you… It made you feel as if you were his.
And maybe you had always been.
As he kissed you, Taehyung let his hand wander up to your waistband, fingers blindly searching for the button of your pants. Once that was freed, he slid his hand in, sighing in your mouth as you sucked on his bottom lip.
“Fuck, Y/n”, he said. “You’re dripping.”
The sound you let out was incoherent. Somewhere between a moan and a whine, and it disappeared into his mouth, swallowed by him as he kissed you again. And he kissed you for a while, his hand not moving from where he was touching you, above your panties, fingers pressed to your middle.
As if he wanted to feel your juice soaking your panties until they became uncomfortable.
“Do you want me to finger you?” he asked once he stopped kissing you, resting his forehead against yours.
The gesture was sweet even in the heated atmosphere, and a shy smile grew on your lips. “Please”, you murmured.
His hand left you and you almost whined at the loss of contact. You heard fabric rustling, and your eyelids fluttered open to the sight of Taehyung slowly unbuttoning his dress shirt, hungry gaze waiting for yours. And when your gazes locked, Taehyung wet his lips with a dart of his tongue, mouth falling open before it slid into a smirk.
That smirk was going to be the death of you.
“It’s unfair that I’m still fully dressed when I’m about to take your pants off, no?” he teased, even going to the extent of winking at you as he shrugged off his shirt, sending it right to your own shirt on the ground.
As much as his face was attractive, your eyes fell to his body. And it was your turn to drink in the sight of him, to admire the perfect sculpted body displayed in front of you as if it was fine art. Beautiful art, crafted into the shape of the man between your legs.
Once Taehyung was bare-chested, he moved back to your pants, thumbs hooking in the hem as he sent you a questioning glance. You answered by cocking an eyebrow, not really knowing why uncertainty had slid into his gaze.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he enquired, voice gentle yet firm.
Asking for consent like that made Taehyung twice as attractive to you. You nodded your head, biting your lips. “Never been so sure about anything.”
You were bold tonight. Bold under the dark gaze of your best friend’s brother. Someone that had once been the source of all of your daydreams. Teenage you probably was screaming inside of you, somewhere in the corners of your heart where she still reigned. Yet you felt courageous in the vicinity of Kim Taehyung, as if him being attracted to you made you feel twice as powerful. And really, it did. You felt beautiful in his presence.
“That’s good”, Taehyung said, a cocky smirk once again gracing his lips as he started pulling your pants down.
You helped him get past the ass area, before lying back down on the couch. Your gaze remained lost in his as the pants moved all the way down your legs. And he moved slowly, taking his time, enjoying every shiver that shook through you whenever his fingers pressed into your skin a little harder.
Once the pants were off – the socks had come off with them – Taehyung settled himself between your legs again. His eyes hadn’t left yours yet, but you knew that he wanted to look. Knew that he was fighting the male instinct to gaze down at your core, and at the wetness that was pooling on your clothed pussy.
His large hands slowly moved to your thighs, settling right above your knees. They were hot against your skin, burning even, and they remained unmoving for a time. When you shivered again, Taehyung let out a deep chuckle that had you seeing stars. He knew what he was doing to you, and he was enjoying it. Far too much for your own good.
His hands started sliding up, ever so slowly, right as his gaze returned to the dark dangerous look. It was even darker now, and he almost looked like a demon sitting between your legs. Like a starved demon that’d finally get a taste of a virgin soul. And though you were a virgin, you were not innocent. You didn’t have to look between his legs to see his erection pressing against his pants. You knew Taehyung wanted you, from the harsh set of his jaw to the slight tilt of his head to the side.
His fingers tickled your skin as they moved up, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind. You didn’t dare move lest he’d stop, so you froze. Stopped breathing altogether as you waited for his touch on the place you wanted him the most.
Yet it never came. Taehyung stopped before he reached your core. You could feel the ghost of his touch between your legs, maybe because his thumbs were almost reaching up to your folds. But not quite, stopping just an inch from your pussy.
And then his hands left you entirely, and you shot a glare at him.
His face had turned serious, and he looked so different from how he usually looked you found your boldness fleeing from you.
“On your stomach”, he ordered. As you hesitated for a time, Taehyung cocked an eyebrow. “I want to see that perfect ass of yours.”
You flushed red, and if you hadn’t been as aroused as you were, you probably would have told him your ass was far from perfect. But you had no words left in you, only obedience. So you moved, awkwardly turning until your legs had switched places on each side of him.
Taehyung’s hands moved back on you then, grabbing your waist carefully as you looked at him over your shoulder.
“So fucking pretty”, he praised you, and the slap he landed on your ass had your body moving forward.
It stung, but Taehyung quickly massaged the hurt away. And then he kept massaging you, his big hands moving up until they found all the knots in your back, easing the tension out of you better than anything else could have.
Everywhere he touched you he left a burning trail behind, until you were pretty sure you were going to combust if he didn’t touch between your legs soon. It was like he had sensed it, because Taehyung moved back down your back, and one of his hands cupped an ass cheek while the other moved between your legs, skilled fingers immediately going to your clit.
You moaned, surprising even yourself, and you hid your face in the couch.
“Don’t muffle your sounds”, Taehyung reprimanded you, and he landed another slap to your ass. “I want to hear every little sound you make while I’m pleasuring you.”
Right on cue, his fingers moved on your clit again, and another moan found its way up your throat. You almost choked on it, yet the sound fell from your parted lips, and Taehyung slapped your ass again for good measure.
“Good girl.”
One of his long fingers moved up, between your legs. Touching your center, pressing on the wetness pooling there. Just enough for you to whine, hips moving instinctively again.
“Be patient”, he said, tutting. “I’ll give you everything you want.”
Your arousal was rising, inside of you. Reaching heights you had never seen before, and the sight of the world from up there was scary. You could only hope the fall wouldn’t be too harsh.
Taehyung kept pressing circles on your clit, playing with the sensitive organ. His touch wasn’t too hard, yet with your panties it felt uncomfortable. A little too much, and the friction of the wet fabric against you made you tighten your legs.
“Tae?” you breathed out. He stopped moving, expectantly silent waiting for you to continue. “Can you take off my panties?”
“You’re getting sensitive, mmh?”
You wanted to punch the male cockiness out of him but all you could do was nod your head as you glanced at him over your shoulder.
He was looking down at you with that half smile of his, and he wet his lips as one of his fingers hooked on the side of your panties, the pad of his digit resting on one of your folds. You gulped, trying to hold his gaze, but as he started slowly sliding a finger in, your eyelids fluttered shut, sealing together.
Suddenly, you couldn’t remember what you had just asked. You couldn’t remember anything, as your mind went blank. All that was left was the slow inching of his finger inside of you.
“You play with yourself like this?”
His question had you furrowing your brows. “Tae…”
“You’re so wet I could probably fuck you like that”, he said, sounding as if he was pondering. As if he was debating doing it and you almost wanted to beg him. To beg him to do it, and fuck you into oblivion. “But we can always do that later.”
As he talked his finger started pulling out, and he quickly pushed it back in before it had fully exited your pussy. You let out another breathy sound, though this time it took the shape of his name. He started pumping, slowly, and the squelching sound between your legs would have embarrassed you if you hadn’t already been too far gone to even acknowledge it.
Right when you thought you were going to be able to open your eyes and look at him, Taehyung pushed another one of his long digits inside of you. It stretched you, just a little, but it didn’t hurt. It just felt even better, all sensations doubling up inside of you until stars danced on the blackness of your tightly shut eyelids. He added scissoring motions to the whole ordeal, stretching you wide open as his hungry eyes looked at you. The way he moved made your panties rub on your clit again, and you let out a small whine.
Taehyung stopped moving, fingers knuckle deep inside of you, as he massaged your ass with his other hand. “Everything okay?”
“My panties”, you let out, unable to form a full sentence.
Yet it was enough for Taehyung to get the clue and his fingers pulled out of you as he grabbed the hem of your panties to take them off of you. You waited patiently for him to touch you again, eyes fluttering open as he struggled to pull your panties down your legs.
“Kinda hard in this position”, he muttered, and you blushed a little as you met his gaze.
He looked ethereal. Hair a little out of place with a dark strand falling in front of his eyes. His skin was glowing in a honey shade that gave him a warm vibe, that same warm vibe he had always been filled with back when you had been too young to know about sex and the likes.
And though you now knew, everything felt the same. Taehyung was always going to be his same self. Or so you hoped.
You moved, sitting up a little to help him take off your panties. It had your eyes slide to his lap, and to the prominent bulge that was pushing against his pants. He looked big, even hidden from your eyes, and you could feel your mouth salivating.
You wanted to get a taste of him. But you had no idea how to do it, no idea how to vocalize your want, so you only turned until you were lying on your back, half-lidded eyes searching Taehyung’s face for his own gaze.
But his gaze was elsewhere. His gaze was on the spot between your parted legs, where juice was slowly dripping. Your brain started forming a thought about your couch getting ruined, but before it could fully take shape Taehyung’s eyes snapped to yours.
“I think you’ve got the prettiest pussy I’ve ever seen.”
The compliment made you blush, and your thighs instinctively moved to close together. He tutted, stopping them with his large hands.
“None of that, I want to see all of you.”
“You already have”, you muttered, cheeks turning a dark shade of red.
He let out a small laugh as he massaged your thighs up and down a couple of times again. “Doesn’t mean that I got enough.”
A smile pulled at the corners of your lips, but before you could say something one of his hands had found its way to your core again, and he slid two fingers in. Your mouth fell open as your eyes locked with his. He pumped his fingers in a couple of times before arching them, finding a spot inside of you that had the corners of your vision turning blurry.
“I think I could make you cum like this”, he said.
All you could do was nod because, sure enough, an orgasm was on the horizon, and you could feel the wave crashing towards you. But Taehyung slowed, almost coming to a full stop, before sitting a little farther away. You watched him curiously, until he bent down, his face coming dangerously close to your heat.
He blew a hot breath on your sensitive clit, and a hot shiver shot up your spine. “Can I eat you out?”
You nodded, quickly. “Please…” you breathed out.
Taehyung didn’t need any more to dive in. And dive in he did, lips closing around your clit as he sucked it, tongue flicking at it. You moaned, loudly, and one of your hands got lost in his hair. His fingers resumed their ministrations against that sweet spot inside of you, right as he rested his tongue flatly against your clit, rubbing it until the wave rushed closer to you. You could feel the orgasm taking shape in your lower stomach, a burning sensation that promised to wash away what was left of your sanity. And you didn’t even know if anything was left: all you knew was that your walls were clenching against his fingers, and the grunt he let out pushed you over the edge.
You came in a blinding flash of white light, your lips parting open on a silent moan as you pushed your hips up, pressing yourself harder against his tongue. Your pussy pulsated against his fingers and yet he didn’t slow down. Just kept on pleasuring you, milking every last drop of your orgasm out of you until you were pretty sure you’d die from the oversensitivity. But you didn’t want him to stop, only wanted to feel his fingers inside of you and his tongue against your clit.
Taehyung had other things in mind though, because he pulled away, pressing a kiss on the inside of your thigh as he moved up to a kneeling position. You could barely focus on him. No, you were blinded by the aura surrounding him. An aura of ecstasy that made you want to wrap your legs around him, until you’d feel the bulge in his pants pressing against you.
He bit his lip, though he let you pull him closer. Even pushed forward, and your eyes shut as his erection pressed against your sensitive clit.
“Way to ruin my Prada pants”, he stated and that most of all brought you back down to reality.
You released him from the prison of your legs, slowly pushing yourself up so you could sit. But your arms gave out under you, the remnants of your orgasm making you feel far too weak for you to sit yet.
“Sorry”, you mumbled sheepishly.
He bent down, pressing a kiss on your lips that had your eyes shutting instinctively as you wrapped your arms around his neck, holding him close to you. You wondered if your hearts were beating in synch as the warm skin of his chest pressed against your breasts, and before you could tell Taehyung pulled away.
“It’s okay”, he reassured you. “Where’s the bathroom?”
It took you a long time to understand why he was asking. And you only did when you realized he was holding his hand away from the fabric of your couch, not wanting to stain it.
“Oh”, you let out. You glanced to the side, until your eyes fell on a closed door. “Over there.”
Taehyung followed your line of gaze, nodding his head before getting up. “I’ll be right back.”
“I should probably get cleaned up too”, you said, and he offered you a warm smile.
“I’ll bring you back a towel.” It was said sweetly, and you couldn’t help the flutter that took over your heart as he turned around, exposing the skin of his back to your eyes.
You watched him go, and watched him wash his hands from the open door of the bathroom as he hadn’t shut it behind him. He threw you a glance, probably because he could feel your heavy gaze on the side of his face. He turned off the tap, cocking an eyebrow as he grabbed the towel you usually used to dry your hands. He walked back towards you, and his gait was predatory. Maybe because it was slow and he was goddamn Kim Taehyung, but mostly because his eyes still were set in that dark look.
You didn’t think you’d survive that look.
“Let me clean you up”, he said with that low voice of his as he stopped next to you, before sitting in the spot where he had been a moment ago.
As with everything that came with Taehyung, you didn’t find it in you to say no. You only winced when he pressed the towel between your legs, your overstimulated pussy feeling every tiny fiber of the cloth as he cleaned you up.
When he was done, he put the towel on the floor beside the couch. Your eyes followed his every move, and before you could realize it, you said, “I want to suck your dick”.
He paused as he was almost sitting back in his spot, and his head turned towards you.
“Do you?” he asked, as his two eyebrows shot up towards his hairline.
You had taken Kim Taehyung by surprise, hadn’t you?
“I want to make you feel good”, you said, and you had the decency to blush as you realized just how crude you were being.
He wet his lips, and one of his large hands palmed himself through his pants. “Do you think you could take it all?”
You looked down at his lap, eyes following the shape of his dick underneath the fabric. You actually didn’t know. He looked big, far bigger than what you thought was possible. Maybe because you had never really seen a dick before, not feeling like going to the trouble of downloading porn just so you could get off to it.
It wasn’t like you had really needed it to get off anyway. And with what had just happened, you didn’t think you’d ever need it.
“You can teach me how.” You said it innocently, teeth sinking into your lower lip.
Taehyung didn’t reply. He just stared at you until your eyes met his again. From the periphery of your vision, you saw him unbutton and unzip his pants. His hand slid in, probably wrapping against his dick. Most definitely jerking himself off, in all truth. It made your breath catch in your throat as you kept holding the intensity of his gaze.
He was going to make you catch fire soon.
“Had I known you’d be so greedy I’d have talked to you sooner”, he murmured, adding your name at the end in that low dangerous baritone of his voice.
You couldn’t resist. You closed the space between you, lips meeting his. You wondered if the salty taste that had overcome his mouth was from eating you out, and it just turned you on further. As if you weren’t already a wildfire.
You let one of your hands move until it was touching him. His dick was moving under the fabric as he jerked himself and you let out a moan as his tongue slipped in your mouth. He answered it by grunting, a guttural sound that had you see stars.
His hand moved out of his pants, moving up until he was cupping your cheek. You kept on palming him, and his dick twitched under your fingers.
“You’re so big”, you murmured against his lips.
He inhaled sharply, before pulling away from the kiss. “I want to see your pretty lips wrapped around me.”
He moved your hand so he could take off his pants. You couldn’t help looking down until your eyes caught sight of his dick. You were right: he was big. Big and angry red and leaking precum all over the head as his dick rested against his abdomen. A thick vein ran up and down his cock, and part of you thought you could see his pulse in it. You reached forward, fingers grazing the vein, following it until you moved to the head. You collected the precum on your forefinger, before looking Taehyung in the eyes as you sucked your finger clean.
Kim Taehyung tasted heavenly. Or maybe you were just drunk with lust.
Your little act had him rest his head against the couch, letting out a low curse that had you smirk.
“You’re so attractive”, he muttered as he looked at you through half-lidded eyes. You let your finger go as your lips spread in a smirk, before you moved off from the couch. Taehyung watched you as you kneeled in front of him. He spread his legs just a little to allow you easy access, and you caught sight of his balls. You wondered what it would feel like to suck on them and you instinctively leaned forward, licking between the two of them.
“Fuck.”
His small word had you let out a small chuckle. It made you feel sexy, powerful, and you wrapped your hand around the base of his cock.
“You’ll have to guide me”, you said.
He looked down, meeting your gaze as you pumped his dick slowly.
“First, you can grab it harder”, he told you. “I like when it’s tight.”
You shivered, obeying as your grip on his dick tightened. You licked your lips, waiting expectantly.
“You might want to suck on the head first. I don’t think I could stop myself from fucking your pretty mouth.”
“Then do it.”
It was too bold. You were too bold, a stranger to yourself. Maybe the demon inhabiting Taehyung’s eyes had inhabited you too, and it had made you go insane.
Taehyung hissed. “Let’s keep some stuff for another time, shall we?” He brushed a strand of hair behind your ear, fingers lingering against your cheek. “I just want to feel your lips and tongue on me.”
You wondered if he could feel the heat of your cheeks as you flushed red. You doubted so, as you had been flushed red with ecstasy all night.
“I don’t know how to do it”, you breathed, sounding a little more like yourself for once.
He smiled. “Just lick at the head. Taste me.”
You held his gaze as you moved forward, tongue darting out to touch the head. You didn’t blink once as you swirled your tongue around him, collecting all the precum until the salty taste had coated all of your tongue. “Like that?” you said, a little innocently.
His shallow breathing was enough of an answer. Your eyes fluttered shut, and you did it again, this time following the base of the head. You found a spot at the back that felt a little different, and you pushed on it.
Taehyung grabbed the side of your head, before closing his hand on some of your hair. It pulled at your scalp, but not enough to hurt. It only made your eyes open.
“Do that again”, he instructed.
You obeyed and he threw his head back. You made a mental note that that seemed to work, before moving a little closer to him, until your mouth was hovering over his dick.
“Suck me”, he breathed, right as you wrapped your lips around his dick.
You licked at the slit of his dick, cleaning it from the new precum that had accumulated there. Taehyung grunted, and a second later you were moving down his dick.
He hissed. “Careful with your teeth.”
You hadn’t realized you had grazed him with your teeth, but you assumed he was in a better position to tell. You loosened your jaw, before pulling away. Taehyung let you do it, but as you were about to entirely let go of his dick, he thrusted up.
You gagged and he let go of your hair as you sat back on your heels.
“I am so sorry”, he apologized, eyes round as you met his gaze. “I didn’t mean…”
You chuckled, blinking away the tears that had formed because of the gag reflex. “It’s okay.”
He wet his lips, nodding his head. “You don’t have to suck my dick.”
You rolled your eyes, before jerking him up and down a few times. It shut him up, and he rested his head against the couch again, eyes fluttering shut.
Taehyung was attractive, from this angle. Sharp jaw that could cut through steel, dark locks falling all around his face. His chest had taken on a red flush, and it moved up and down quickly with his quick breathing.
You licked the head of his dick again, focusing on the spot you had found earlier. You sucked on it, using your tongue to play with it a little more, before you took him in again. This time, you didn’t try moving down his dick again. You focused on sucking on the head, hollowing your cheeks as you pumped his cock, keeping the tight grip he seemed to like.
He grunted as your tongue circled his head. “If you want”, he said after a time, “you can play with my balls at the same time.”
You immediately reached up with your free hand, grabbing his balls in your palm. You tightened your grip around them, and Taehyung shuddered under your touch.
“A little gentler with the balls, baby”, he said, chuckling.
You pulled away. “Sorry.”
“No”, he breathed, shaking his head. “You’re doing great.”
You had no idea if that was true, but it made your mouth salivate for more of his taste. So you guided him in your mouth again, this time taking him as far deep as you could. He moaned, even while half of his cock didn’t even fit in. You jerked him off, resting your tongue flat against him until you found the thick vein you had seen earlier.
You hollowed your cheeks, and your gaze locked with Taehyung as he finally opened his eyes. The dark look in his gaze was different now, as if he was about to break. And maybe he was going to break, his cock getting harder in your mouth as you bobbed your head up and down. Once in a while, you choked on him, and he let out a deep grunt that only made you want to go faster, to take more of him in. It was hard in the position, so you kept using your hands.
Your jaw ached, from how large he was. From having to keep your mouth open so wide to be able to take him in. It was a dull ache, and you ignored it, focusing on him. Focusing on making him feel good as you moved to a quick rhythm he established by pushing your head up and down on him.
You didn’t mind. You liked that he took control. It made a new heat pool between your legs, and you moaned against his cock.
“I’m going to cum soon”, Taehyung told you, before letting out a broken moan that sounded like your name. “Are you going to be a good girl and swallow everything?”
You would have said yes had you been in a position where you could talk. Instead, you moaned again, sucking on him harder. Taehyung moaned too, in a deep sound that made you shiver with lust for him, and a second later hot spurts of his cum hit the back of your throat. Your eyes shut, and you kept on sucking him, swallowing everything he threw at you. And he came a lot, the bitter taste making it very hard not to gag. As he came, Taehyung’s second hand grabbed your head, and his hips thrusted forward again. Not enough to make you choke around him, luckily enough.
When you were sure you had milked the last of his cum from his cock, you pulled away, licking your lips clean once you were sitting back on your heels. Taehyung looked spent on the couch, yet he pushed himself up a little, until he was leaning towards you.
“Open your mouth”, he said, holding onto your jaw with a firm grip. You obeyed, showing him that you had swallowed everything. He smirked, patting your cheek. “The best girl.”
You nodded, blushing a little as your mouth fell shut. He held your gaze for a time, before glancing around your apartment. His eyes eventually fell to your banana milk next to the couch, the drink long forgotten in the heat and passion you had shared.
“You might want to drink that to change the taste”, he said, letting out a soft laugh.
Your eyes dipped to his softening cock, and you nodded your head as you got up. “Let me just grab a shirt to put on.”
He tilted his head to the side. “Put my shirt on.”
Still that commanding tone of his… it was going to make you go crazy.
Scratch that, you were already crazy. Far more than you had ever thought you’d be. Hell, you had just given a blowjob to your best friend’s older brother. To Kim Taehyung, a member of the biggest boyband in the world.
You grabbed his dress shirt. It was a soft pink colour. For a moment you thought you had seen it somewhere, but the ecstasy that still clung to you made it hard to think. You put it on, buttoning up until your body was finally hidden from his hungry eyes. Yet they didn’t look all that hungry anymore. They just looked tired, positively so.
“I can’t believe we did this”, he said, a little breathlessly, as you finally sat next to him again, banana milk in hand. While you had been putting his shirt on, he had put his pants back on, hiding his soft dick from view. Yet you still could admire the warm skin of his chest, and the red flush that adorned the top part of it.
“Eunjin is never going to believe this”, you muttered.
Taehyung met your gaze, eyes widening a little. “She cannot know.” You paused, banana milk halfway to your mouth. Taehyung must have read something in your eyes, because he continued, “She’ll kill me if she knows. She already was pissed that I let you sleep in my bed the night of her party.”
You were surprised at the disappointment that rose inside of you. It tasted bitter, but not the kind of bitter Taehyung’s cum had tasted like. No, it tasted of regret.
“Oh”, you let out. You busied yourself with drinking the milk to hide the disappointment. Taehyung noticed it, though. You were pretty sure he did, so you quickly said, “It’s okay. Just weird, because we tell each other everything.”
Taehyung slowly nodded, wetting his lips. “I know.” He once again reached up, putting a strand of your hair behind your ear. “I just don’t want the drama that would come with it.”
You didn’t really want it either. And he was right, Eunjin could cause a lot of drama if she wanted. You loved her endlessly, but you didn’t want her to scold you for achieving one of your teenage fantasies.
“Besides, I’d like to see you again”, Taehyung added. “I need to be alive for that, and we both know Jinnie will murder me if she knows.”
You laughed. Taehyung wanted to see you again?
“I’d rather you not die”, you said.
Taehyung offered you a secretive smile accompanied by a tilt of his head to the side. You held his dark gaze. Somewhere in its depth you could feel the demon watching you. And even though you were happy Taehyung wanted to see you again, the demon lurking in the shadows had your heart squeezing in your chest.
You were pretty sure it was just a matter of time before it ripped it from your ribcage.
***
Kim Taehyung was a kind human being. Sweet as honey, with a smile that spread warmth wherever he went. You had seen him again three times, after that very first time, and he still swept you off your feet. He took to caring for you – offering you food and letting you wear his clothes whenever you felt like it. But Kim Taehyung was a busy man, and weeks passed without you hanging out.
You never had sex. The three times you had hung out had just been filled with cuddling, holding hands and make-out sessions that left you breathless. The orgasms he pulled out of you contributed to it too, you were pretty sure. Never going further than preliminaries, Taehyung still managed to make you come undone under his skilled fingers. But he never gave in to more. Whenever you asked, he said that you weren’t ready, and that you had to be patient.
You were tired of being patient. But then he kissed your forehead, smiled that sweet smile of his, and your annoyance dwindled away.
You hadn’t seen the demon in his eyes again, after that first time. Or you had just become blind to it. Sometimes you thought it didn’t really show up because Taehyung appreciated spending time with you. And he did say so. He only looked slightly uncomfortable when you suggested having sex for real, so you had decided to stop asking.
He’d give it to you whenever the time was right.
The Holidays rushed in, a little under two months after that first time you had seen him, and as they did family traditions settled in. You moved back to Daegu for the week off you had – first time you had it off since you had started working for Samsung. You were excited for it, mostly because you’d get to spend it with Eunjin’s family and yours. Even your brother was coming, along with his fiancée.
It promised to be an exciting time indeed.
“Do you think I should wear this?” Eunjin asked.
You were currently sprawled on her bed, scrolling through Instagram as she unpacked her suitcase. Sung-tan-jul was on the morrow, and it seemed Eunjin wanted to dress up for it. Which was useless, because it was just going to be your family and hers, and none of you had ever really been traditional.
“Uh?” you let out, scrolling to the next picture on your feed. It was a BTS edit, and your cheeks flushed red as Taehyung appeared on the screen.
To think Kim Taehyung had been between your legs more than once was the strangest thought. It felt surreal, yet it was the truth. A truth set in stone, one he reminded you of as he texted you. Your phone dinged, and Eunjin threw herself on the bed next to you.
“You’re not even listening.”
You blushed, hiding the notification from her. “Just wear whatever, it’s not like it really matters.”
It was a lie, sort of. Because you had prepared your prettiest outfits for the week, knowing that Taehyung would be here. You wanted to look good for him, because God knew Kim Taehyung never looked bad.
“I’ve looked through your clothes and you just brought designer stuff.” She rolled her eyes as you glanced at her. “It’s like you’re trying to impress someone.”
You hoped she didn’t see you blanch because you sure had.
“You know I like fashion”, you said.
That wasn’t a lie. You had always liked fashion, and you had gotten a raise earlier this year at work that had allowed you to start indulging in your passion, buying clothes you had never thought you would be able to afford.
“You do, and it’s annoying because you have a better sense of style than I do and I always look bad next to you.”
You sent her a pointed glance. “Bitch, you are the prettiest. I don’t have the choice but to dress well if I want to compare.”
Eunjin tsked, yet she remained silent as a smile stretched on her lips at the compliment.
You fell into a comfortable silence, and you continued scrolling through your phone. Eunjin did the same next to you, and she eventually started filling the silence with talks of her new work crush.
Scratch that, she was complaining about the guy. But you knew by the way she was getting worked up that there was more to it. She was your best friend after all.
You were surprised that she hadn’t realized the change in you. The change Taehyung had brought to you. Maybe because it was hidden, that change. Just for you and him to know. It felt exciting, to have a secret to hide. Like you were doing something you shouldn’t be doing, and the thrill of it had you craving for Taehyung’s touch a little more every day.
“Does she always complain like that?” the man’s deep baritone voice said from the door.
It was like thinking of him had summoned him out of thin air. Eunjin yelped, jumping out of bed to embrace Taehyung.
“Oppa, you idiot!” she said. “I thought you were only coming tomorrow.”
He smiled at you over her shoulder. A secretive smile, one that had butterflies forming in your stomach and warmth blossoming between your legs.
The effect he had on you… it was dangerous, considering you were going to spend a week under the same roof as him without having the opportunity to really spend time alone together.
“I was able to come earlier”, he said as they pulled away from their embrace. “Hi, Y/n.”
You shut your phone, sitting up in the bed. “Hey, Tae.”
Eunjin had her brows knit together when she turned to look at you. You had messed up, hadn’t you?
“Since when are you so casual with him?” she threw at you, tone accusative.
You shrugged your shoulders, hoping she couldn’t see your heart beating out of your chest. “Maybe since the party you threw during which he had to take care of me because you got me too drunk?”
Taehyung stifled a laugh as Eunjin’s gaze widened. “I got you drunk? Girl, you did that all by yourself.”
Maybe you had. You just offered her a crooked grin, before meeting Taehyung’s gaze. The world seemed to slow around you, and for a moment there was just you and him. You wished you could close the space between you, press your lips to taste the honey sweetness of his, but you resisted, your grin melting into a tight-lipped smile instead. He replied with a wink that went unnoticed to Eunjin before saying that dinner was soon going to be ready. Eunjin pushed him out of the room, before shutting the door behind her.
“Let me get changed before we go down.”
And that was how the Holidays began for you. It was warm, fun and nostalgic, reminding you of younger days. As everything did, when it came to the Kims and their childhood house. Your childhood house too, as you had spent most of your time here. It was also the first time your brother’s fiancée, Choi Ryunjin, spent time like that with your family. She had been very shy around Taehyung at first, but she had soon melted under the warmth of his smile, and the group that had once been five was six.
It was perfect. Sung-tan-jul, that is. With laughter and whiskey, and gifts exchanged next to a plastic Christmas tree, as snow fell lazily outside. There wasn’t a lot of it, but still the world outside was soon covered by a white blanket that made for a perfect Christmas.
It was an idyllic picture, just as much as the new memories you were making.
Taehyung was warm. Warmth incarnate, even. You shared longing looks and quick touches, when nobody was looking. It made your heart race, but you knew better than to go to him in the middle of the night. Even though your body was aching for it, you just wanted to spend time with him as a friend.
A little foolish part of you hoped it would help with the relationship you shared. Though situationship was probably a more accurate word.
Eunjin didn’t seem to suspect a thing in the days that followed. Didn’t notice that Taehyung always managed to sit next to you, only so he could press his thigh against yours. Taehyung was a touchy man and you loved it to no end. It made you feel important, even if all you were was some sort of friends with benefits.
On the day before New Year’s Eve, the house fell silent for the first time in almost a week, most of everyone deciding to go enjoy the nice weather outside with a stroll through the fields, while the mothers made a trip to the market to gather whatever was needed for the celebrations the next day. You had stayed behind because you wanted to get some work done, and you were sitting in Eunjin’s dad’s office when Taehyung appeared at the door, cheeks pink from the cold outside.
“You should come with us”, he said, hands hidden behind his back.
Even dressed casually Taehyung looked good. Black jeans paired with a black t-shirt that he had tucked in his pants, and he had completed the look with a black belt made of real leather. His hair was ruffled by the wind outside, and the dust of pink on his features made him look so real.
Real and human in the most beautiful way, for a man that had been stealing your breath away for so long now.
“I’m almost done with work”, you said, stretching as you held in a yawn.
Taehyung leaned against the doorframe, his hands still hidden behind his back. “You shouldn’t be working during the holidays.”
“I’m pretty sure you are used to working during the holidays.”
He grinned sheepishly. “Not this year though. And I’d like to spend some time with you.”
It hit you then, that you hadn’t even had a second to yourselves since coming here. Just stolen touches and glances whenever you could, but nothing that you could add to the memories you had been making with Taehyung ever since November. Memories that were just yours to know, your little secret that made for the most beautiful garden in your heart.
“Do you?” you said as blood rushed to your cheeks.
He nodded, before pushing up from the door frame and walking towards you. “I haven’t even had the chance to give you your Sung-tan-jul gift.”
Your eyes widened as he revealed what he had been hiding behind his back: a red velvet box, with an elegant bow holding it close. It looked expensive, and you quickly shook your head.
“Oh no, Tae, you shouldn’t have gotten...”
The smile on his lips turned into a dangerous smirk that had your words die in your throat. He held out the box, and you knew you had turned a shade darker as you grabbed it.
“What is it?” you asked as you ran fingers on the soft velvet.
“Open it.”
You threw him a cautious glance, before gently pulling on the bow until it came undone. You hesitated for half a second before lifting the lid of the box and you were left dumbfounded for a time. Staring at the contents of the box without realizing what they were.
And then realization fell upon you, and you quickly put the lid back on the box.
“Oh my God, Taehyung, why did you give me this here?” you said, as your heart beat frantically in your chest. “What if someone sees it?”
He shrugged, a boyish smile gracing his pretty features. “Nobody is inside.”
“But someone could…”
“It’s just for you to know, sweetheart”, Taehyung interjected, and once again your words died on your lips. “I just thought we could take the next step in all of this.” His last words were punctuated by a motion of his to the air surrounding you.
All of this… Did he really think you would be willing to get tied up and blindfolded here? And you were pretty sure the leathery thing in the middle of the box was a whip of some sort…
Kim Taehyung was out of his mind, and you couldn’t even bring it in you to be mad at you. No, the blood that had raced to your cheeks had trickled down to your core, and warmth lit up your soul.
“But here?”
Your question lingered in the air, as you met his heavy gaze and tried to hold it. You were too much of a coward, and your eyes fell to the floor.
“Well, it’s my birthday”, he pointed out.
It was. You had wished him a happy birthday first thing in the morning, and had hugged him for a moment. A friendly hug, though he had held on to you for a little longer than necessary. No one had paid any mind to it, but the moment had been replaying in your thoughts on a loop ever since this morning.
“Someone could hear us”, you breathed, right as his hand reached for your chin.
He tilted your head backwards, until your eyes had met his again. “You’d just have to be quiet.”
“Eunjin will realize if I’m not in bed with her.” You were defiant, just a little. Something you had realized worked well when Taehyung desired you.
He wet his lips, before leaning down. To your surprise, the kiss landed on your forehead, and your eyelids fluttered shut instinctively.
“You know there could be a typhoon outside and she’d sleep through it.” He straightened, and your eyes fluttered open.
He wasn’t wrong, but he was still crazy if he thought you’d do anything with him when both of your families were under the same roof.
“You’re out of your mind”, you mumbled, and his thumb pulled on your bottom lip. Your mouth fell open, and he leaned down once again, this time kissing you softly before pulling away.
“For you?” He paused, as if to give emphasis to his words. “Always.”
Your hand reached out in the space between you, fingers hooking with the loop of his pants to make sure he wouldn’t pull away. Because you didn’t want him to pull away just yet. Not when your heart filled with warmth and butterflies rose in your stomach.
“You can’t say stuff like that”, you complained.
It wasn’t your first time telling him that. Whenever Taehyung said some stuff that made your heart race, you tended to remind him that whatever you shared was just physical. He was merely teaching you about sex, and you couldn’t let feelings intervene.
You knew situations like the one you shared never ended well when feelings were implied.
“Sorry”, he apologized, though he looked the least bit apologetic. “I’ve just missed being with you.”
He was letting you interpret his words however you wanted. You could tell from the way he was looking down at you. So you interpreted them as a craving of his body, and not something his heart might want. Because you weren’t stupid: there wasn’t a universe out there where Kim Taehyung might want you for more than that. You were both driven by lust, and by a teenage crush that had just held stronger than you had first believed. There was no affection between the two of you, other than that of the affection one holds for a childhood friend.
“So have I”, you breathed, pulling him a little closer.
His crotch was at eye-level with your gaze, yet you refused to look down. You knew the position was most definitely driving him insane though, and it made you feel powerful.
He often did that. Make you feel powerful, that is. It was addicting, like everything that came with him. Taehyung was like a cigarette, and the nicotine addiction was burning you from the inside out.
He grabbed your hand, pulling you up to your feet. You didn’t resist, following his lead until he had wrapped your arms around his neck and had put his large hands on your waist. There seemed to be a moment of the world holding its breath, and then Taehyung leaned down, pressing his lips against yours.
You melted into his touch, kissing him back with all the want in you. All the passion and the burning and the intoxicating feelings he brought up in you. He met your fire with a swipe of his tongue against your bottom lip, and you parted your mouth open for him.
“Oppa, do you know where eoma keeps the gloves?” Eunjin yelled, probably from downstairs.
You jumped out of Taehyung’s arms, face burning red, insides the temperature of molten metal. He had a startled expression on his face, but his voice didn’t waver as he replied to his sister, before adding, “I’ll be out in a second”.
You listened to Eunjin move downstairs, heart beating wildly in your chest. It didn’t calm down until you heard the door open and close downstairs, and the house fell silent again.
“That was close”, Taehyung said, boxy grin on his lips.
He took a step towards you, and you stepped back. “Nu-uh, no more of this until tonight”, you warned him.
His grin turned into a smirk, and he looked at you with his smoldering gaze for a time. “I’ll be waiting for you then.”
You nodded, slowly, taking a deep breath to calm the wild beats of your heart. Your gaze moved to the box you had left discarded on the desk next to your laptop. “And also hide that somewhere. Eunjin will see it if I put it in her room.”
“Yes, ma’am”, Taehyung agreed. There was a teasing undertone to his voice, and you folded your arms on your chest, getting ready to scold him when he stepped closer so quickly you didn’t have time to move back. He pressed a kiss on the tip of your nose, before smiling at you with that blinding smile of his.
You stood, stunned, as he grabbed the box before walking out of the room, throwing a wink at you over his shoulder. And then he was gone, and you were left fighting your treacherous heart.
You reminded yourself that you couldn’t fall in love. You’d never be delusional enough to fall in love with him. But when he acted like that, it made it far too easy for your heart to fill with endearment. It was dangerous ground to tread.
You didn’t want to set yourself up for a broken heart.
*****
The house was dark when you stepped outside Eunjin’s room, somewhere between midnight and one in the morning. Her snores had been keeping you awake, that was true, but it mostly was the perspective of meeting with Taehyung that had kept your eyes wide open, waiting until you were convinced Eunjin wouldn’t realize you were gone.
Taehyung had been teasing, all night. All smirks and winks when nobody was watching. He had caressed your thigh under the table during the meal, unbeknownst to everyone. Everyone but you, who had been forced to clench your teeth as you had tried to ignore the effect he had on you.
As if that was likely to ever happen. He was Kim Taehyung. You didn’t think there was a world out there where Kim Taehyung didn’t have an effect on the women surrounding him. Especially when he had been your childhood crush.
His room was down the hallway, and you had to pass in front of Jeongyu’s room to get there. Luckily enough, Jeongyu had lent his room to your parents for the weekend, and you knew your father’s loud breathing was going to cover the creaking of the hallway as you tiptoed towards Taehyung’s room. You could only hope your mother wouldn’t need to go to the bathroom while you were with Taehyung.
Yet… the possibility of getting caught… it made you feel hot, in some way. Because you were breaking rules. You, the perfect daughter that had never done anything she shouldn’t…
It was way past time to be imperfect.
You reached Taehyung’s room, heart beating wildly against your ribcage. You knocked, a gentle knock that probably hadn’t even sounded on his side of the door. Yet the door slowly opened, and Taehyung’s face appeared in the crack between the door and the wall. His eyes shone brightly, expectantly, and as soon as he focused on you, he opened the door for you to walk in.
Needless to say, he very carefully shut it behind you, as you took a few tentative steps in his room.
“You…” you breathed, a little louder than you had first intended.
“Shh”, he shushed you. He walked to you, gently grabbing your arm to make you turn towards him.
You obeyed, because you always obeyed whatever Taehyung told you to do, and you found yourself facing him. Well, tilting your head back to look up at him, as he stood closer to you than you had expected him to be.
Taehyung wasn’t a particularly tall man, but when he was next to you it felt as if he towered over you, with a dangerous look in his eyes that made you gulp.
“We don’t want someone to hear us”, he pointed out, before bending down to press a chaste kiss on your lips. When he straightened, his eyes had recovered their mischievous shine. “Do you know how pretty you were tonight?”
You blushed, wetting your lips. “I wanted to look good for you.”
“I figured.” He smirked, slowly nodding his head. He then grabbed your hand, looking around his room. “How do you like it?”
You liked it very much. Indeed, Taehyung had lit up candles all around his room, creating a romantic ambiance that made you want to be closer to him. To be entwined with him until you forgot where you ended and where he started. From the look on his face, you knew he wanted that too.
It was then that you realized he was highly likely to take your virginity tonight. Not that virginity was something that mattered, it really just was a social construct. But Taehyung was going to take it tonight, whatever it was, and heat immediately pooled at your core at the thought of it.
“It’s pretty”, you breathed, catching his gaze again.
The candles casted flickering lights on the side of his face, making his honey skin glow with warmth. You reached between you, brushing a stand of hair behind his ear. He carefully observed you as you did so, and you wondered if he could see your heart beating in your chest.
It really did feel like it was about to break free of your ribcage.
“It’s going to be prettier when you’re tied up on my bed.”
Taehyung’s words entirely stopped your heart in your chest. They killed you right on the spot, and maybe that was the reason why you found yourself grabbing the collar of his shirt, pulling him into your embrace.
Taehyung’s lips crashed against yours, and your whole soul caught fire. You let out a breathy sound, and he swallowed it hungrily as he grabbed your waist, pulling you flush against him. His body was solid, beautiful, against you like that, and you let your hands fall from his collar to his shoulders, before moving them to his chest. His heart was beating wildly under your fingertips, and you breathed out a moan again as one of his hands cupped your ass.
“Happy birthday to me”, he said, barely even pulling away to speak the words. No, his lips moved against yours in the shape of his words, and it made you chuckle shyly.
“Happy birthday”, you echoed, and the kiss turned sweeter. Slow, steady, like he had been kissing you that first time at your place.
Taehyung tentatively swiped his tongue at your bottom lip, tasting you, and you parted your lips to suck on his tongue. You could tell he liked it, and the sweetness of the kiss almost immediately returned to its previous fire, with Taehyung pushing you back towards the bed.
You sat on it, mostly because the back of your knees had hit the side, and you looked up at Taehyung, eyes round and innocent as he towered over you.
You couldn’t believe this man would be the one to fuck you for the first time.
“I want to tie you up”, he breathed, and his eyes shot to the headboard of the bed.
You followed his line of gaze, only noticing that he had already tied the silk ropes to it. All that was left to complete his fantasy was you, lying in his bed.
“But I need to undress you first, mmh?”
You were pretty sure blood had rushed to your cheeks again, but you didn’t have time to contemplate on it before he pulled his shirt over his head, and your gaze fell to the strong planes of his body. In this lighting, he looked sharper, as if he was made of glass. You could only hope he wouldn’t break under your fingers.
But then again, you were pretty sure you were the one likely to break when Kim Taehyung was looking at you like that. With pupils blown wide in his dark eyes, making them look like black pits in the middle of his face. His familiar lips kept the sight from being terrifying, but a tiny part of you knew you ought to be afraid.
You ignored it with all the lust in your heart.
Once his shirt was off, Taehyung started working on his belt, undoing it with skilled fingers as his gaze never left yours. You found it hard not to look away, but you knew Taehyung loved his eye contact. So you focused on him, even as his belt came undone. He dropped it to the ground, and the loop hitting the ground made a thumping sound that took you by surprise.
It was loud, in the silence of the night, and you could only hope no one had heard.
His pants were soon to follow, pooling around his ankles, and you couldn’t keep from looking down as the distinct motion of him stroking his dick caught in your peripheral vision.
Your eyes dipped down and his dick was free, half soft, yet he was pumping it slowly. Heat pooled at your core, and you moved closer to the edge of the bed.
Taehyung took a step towards you, and you didn’t even hesitate before going right in, licking at his head.
His eyes were shut when you looked up, and you took that as a cue to start working on him, just how he had shown you to. You wrapped your lips around the head, using your tongue to play with the sensitive spot at the back of the head, and you replaced his hand at the base of his dick with one of yours. That hand immediately started stroking him, with the perfect pressure, and you sucked on the head before starting to bob back and forth to the same rhythm, eyes looking up until Taehyung’s eyelids finally fluttered open to reveal his lustful gaze.
“Fuck”, he whispered, in that low baritone voice of his that made you go crazy inside.
You shut your eyes as he bucked his hips, hitting the back of your throat with his cock. It had turned harder in your mouth, and you gagged around it. Taehyung gently caressed one of your cheeks, willing your eyes to open until you met his gaze.
His gaze looked different, now. Still dark, but shining from within. Perhaps because of the candles, and of their soft glow on his honey skin. Or maybe it was the emotions in their depths. Emotions you couldn’t interpret, didn’t understand, but that made you pull away.
Sucking his dick while he was looking at you like that felt too weird.
“I should be the one going down on you”, he murmured. “Especially with all I have planned for you tonight.”
No sweetness coated his words. Just pure filth, and really it contrasted deeply with his soft eyes. Yet it made you gulp, and you slowly nodded your head, before standing up. Your hands instinctively rested on his chest, and his large ones found your waist. He pulled you in, going for a kiss that landed at the corner of your mouth. You barely felt its warm caress, especially not as his hands found their way under your shirt. He started drawing circles on your skin, gently, and he kissed the other corner of your mouth.
You breathed out, and he swallowed it as he pressed his lips against yours, moving them slowly. It was a steady rhythm you knew too well, one that had started feeling like home after the first few times you had hung out with Taehyung in the secrecy of your relationship.
He pulled away, offering you a small smile as he pulled your shirt over your head. You shivered without the fabric on your skin, nipples perked up in the space between you two. Taehyung glanced down at them, and his smile turned appreciative as he cupped your breast with one of his big hands while the other one worked to get you out of your shorts. Once they pooled around your ankles, you stepped out and closer to him, pressing your chest against his until he let your breast go to hold you flush against him.
He kissed you again then, wilder, with all the fire he had kissed you with earlier. It was hot, and you wondered if you would melt under his skilled digits. So hot he seared a mark on your lips each time his mouth moved against yours. You met him with the same fire, offered him that same passion, as you focused on the space between you. On where his dick was trapped between your bodies, standing proud and tall.
And very hard.
You moaned in his mouth, and Taehyung cupped your ass, before slapping it once. Still he didn’t pull away, and the breath in your lungs became scarce, yet you didn’t care. You would die kissing him if you had to.
There was no better way to go than kissing Kim Taehyung.
Unfortunately, he probably thought otherwise, because Taehyung pulled away, sucking in a sharp breath as your eyes fluttered open.
“On the bed, princess”, he said, gesturing behind you.
So it was time. You gulped, nodding, before climbing on the bed, nestling yourself in the pillows at the headboard. Taehyung kneeled in front of you, large hands grabbing your ankles. He caressed his way up your legs, up to your knees, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind his touch, before going back down to your ankles. He only then pulled on you so you were in a lying position.
The male chuckle he let out told you he had caught sight of the pooling wetness that had already soaked through your panties.
“You’re already so wet, aren’t you?” he said, baritone voice carrying to your ears in the silence of the night.
He had whispered the words, just for you to hear, yet they had sounded so loud. Loud and clear, and you instinctively brought your thighs together, looking for some friction.
“Don’t”, he warned you, before spreading your legs wide open. “I want to taste my birthday gift before I fuck it into oblivion.”
A shiver of pleasure ran up your spine.
“Please do.”
He smirked, tilting his head to the side. A predator eyeing its prey.
“Oh, I will. Should I tie you up first?”
He didn’t let you answer the question. Instead, he dove in, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to the place where your juice was already soaking your panties. You would have moaned out loud had you been alone and not in his family home. Instead, you let out a breathy sound, something that resembled more of a whine.
Before he continued, Taehyung pulled your panties down your legs, observing you through half-lidded eyes. You held his gaze, giving in to his fantasies, but once his mouth found your pussy again, tongue dipping between your lips, your eyelids fluttered shut.
You bit down on your lip, hard, trying to hold in your sounds, as your hand flew in the space between you, finding a handful of his hair to hold onto. He let you do it as he made out with your pussy, his deep chuckle making your nerve endings light up.
Once he got tired of his tongue inside of you, Taehyung focused on your clit, flicking at it unforgivably, establishing a harsh rhythm that he soon accompanied with a long finger curling inside of you. It stretched your walls, but just a little. Nothing like his dick would.
The thought was enough to make you clench against him, and Taehyung hissed.
“Relax, princess, I want to be able to fuck you”, he said, before going back to your clit. This time, he moved slower, and your walls released him, enough so that he added a second finger. The combination of the two fingers spreading you wide open and the slow steady flicking on your clit had the corners of your vision turning blurry, until all you could focus on was his face between your legs.
He looked devilishly good down there.
“Tae…” you breathed out.
He glanced up at you, his lustful gaze burning into yours, and you felt an orgasm forming on the horizon of your conscience. It hit you head on when he pushed a third finger inside of you as he sucked right on your clit, teasing the bundle of nerves with the tip of his tongue.
Your eyes shut as you came, and your thighs tightened around his face. He worked you through your high, slow and steady, before pulling out of you once he was sure he had milked the last of the orgasm out of you.
It took a moment for your gaze to find his again, and you almost wished it hadn’t. Because Taehyung was holding the small leather whip now, and he ran it up your side.
“Can I use this on you?” he asked as he traced the shape of your breast, before caressing your nipple with it.
You held in the moan, or maybe the curse that had taken shape on your lips.
“Not to hurt you”, he said, almost like a promise.
“I don’t think I can stay silent if you use that on me”, you admitted, cheeks burning with the afterglow of your orgasm.
He pouted, looking at the whip, before slowly nodding his head. “We’ll have to save it for when we’re back in Seoul.”
You wet your lips, nodding before sitting up in his bed as he threw the whip to the side. He must have dried his hands of your juice at some point, because when Taehyung cupped your cheeks to kiss you slowly, his fingers were dry. Dry and gentle, yet he held you firmly, running his thumbs on your skin.
You reached between you, aiming blindly for his dick, and Taehyung jumped as you found its velvety softness, wrapping your hand around the base before pumping him a couple of times. He pulled away then, chuckling.
“You’re such a good girl”, he praised.
You melted under the praise, gripping him tighter until his gaze had turned even darker. You only understood what that meant for you when he grabbed your hand, pulling it away from him.
Away from him and towards the silk rope on one side of the headboard.
“You…” you let out, as he started tying you up with skilled fingers.
“I don’t want you touching me”, he murmured. “This is all about what you feel.”
“I like touching you”, you complained, with a little whiny voice that had him offering you a soft smile.
“I’ll let you touch later.” He held your gaze, before kissing your lips softly once. “Unless you are uncomfortable with me tying you up.”
As much as being tied up for your first time felt weird, it also felt right. Right because Taehyung was home, and you trusted him.
You knew he would untie you the moment you looked uncomfortable.
“No, it’s okay”, you said, offering him consent. “Just don’t tie it too tight.”
He smiled softly, pecking your lips another time. “I would never.”
He then guided you until you were lying down, before tying your other wrist on the other side of the headboard. The position was strange, but it didn’t hurt, and he had given you enough slack in the rope so you could pull on the restraints a little, keeping it from being painful for your shoulders.
Once that was done, Taehyung moved away until he was standing, and your eyes followed him carefully as he reached for condoms in his bedside table. He put a condom on, stroking his dick up and down a few times to make sure it was well in place, before moving back between your legs.
He was big. His large head stretched the condom thin, and you looked down at him as he positioned himself next to your entrance.
He caught your gaze, offering you another one of those sweet smiles of his. The ones that tugged his lips downwards a little, yet you knew they held happiness.
Or whatever happiness he could find in the act of having sex with you.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, holding your gaze.
You didn’t answer right away. Instead, you watched the shadows that danced on his features from the flickering light of the candles. He waited as you remained silent, patiently, hand still wrapped around the base of his dick.
Taehyung felt like home. Look like it too, familiar features that you had come to know growing up. He felt like innocence and nostalgia, in the right way. Even though the act you were about to do held nothing innocent.
“Yes.”
You had never been more sure of anything in your life.
Taehyung nodded slowly, and his gaze turned dark again. The sweetness was entirely gone from his face when he started pushing in, and you instinctively pulled against the restraints at the burn.
“Easy”, he whispered once the head was in. He let go of his dick, running soothing hands on your sides. “It will hurt a little at first.”
Your eyes fell shut as he kept pushing in, stretching you wider than his fingers ever had. It did hurt, a little, but mostly it felt strange. You focused on the strangeness, letting the pain go as he continued his way in, up until he reached your cervix.
That part hurt like a bitch, and you let out a small yelp of pain.
“Are you okay?” he asked as he pulled out.
“Sorry.”
“Are you okay?” he repeated, completely ignoring your apology.
You nodded slowly, but refused to meet his gaze.
“Look at me”, he murmured, and one of his large hands cupped your cheek.
Your eyes fluttered open instinctively. He was ethereal, kneeling between your legs, hair falling in his gaze. You tried to move the strand away, but the silk rope held you in place.
“Do you want me to untie you?” he asked.
“No”, you answered, with a small voice. “Can you go in again?”
He remained silent, but he obeyed, pushing his dick inside of you once more. You held his gaze until he bottomed out again, and the pain shot through your nerves. It was a little less this time, but still there nonetheless.
“I’m hurting you”, he stated.
You shook your head. “It’s just…” you trailed off, swallowing audibly. “It hurts when you are all the way in.”
He pulled out a little, and the sensation dissipated to nothing.
“Better?”
You nodded.
“Words”, he reminded you.
It made you smile. “Yes Tae, it’s better.”
He smiled too, before bending down. It made his dick move inside of you, but your eyes fluttered shut as he kissed you sweetly, before slowly pulling almost all the way out.
“Then I won’t go too deep for now”, he murmured against your lips. You nodded against him, before kissing him again.
It was a slow kiss, timed with the back and forth of his hips. The sensation still felt strange, not as good as what his fingers made you feel like, but it was a good kind of strange.
The kind that made your heart beat steadier in your chest as he kept on kissing you, swallowing every breathy sound you made.
It took a moment, but the sensation slowly changed, inching towards pleasure as he moved a little faster, shifting a little until he hit a different spot inside of you. It didn’t hurt, not even a little bit, but you could feel how big he was, how much he was stretching you.
You really had chosen a big dick for your first time, hadn’t you?
Taehyung moved from your lips to your neck, pressing open-mouthed kisses on the skin. You moaned softly, quietly, and he picked up the pace a little. You could feel his balls slapping your ass each time he went almost all the way in, but you were pretty sure there were still a few inches of his dick out of you.
You doubted he’d ever be able to fuck you with the entirety of it. But as you slowly eased into the sensation, you pulled on the silk ropes, fingers aching to be touching him.
“Easy, princess”, he breathed on the spot under your ear. His low voice sent shivers down your spine and straight to your core, and you wrapped your legs around him, pulling him closer.
He reached deep inside of you. Yet this time it didn’t hurt, and you even let out a small moan that had him look up from your neck.
“Quiet”, he reminded you, before pressing a kiss on your lips. “Quiet or I’ll have to stop.”
“No.”
Your quick reply had him smirking, and he straightened until he was back to a kneeling position between your legs. His dick was still deep inside of you, where he had stilled a moment ago, and you wondered if this was still Taehyung.
If he was still the man you knew and had had a crush on. Because the next moment everything lost coherency, and the only reason why you couldn’t moan out loud was that he had pressed a hand on your mouth, holding one of your thighs with the other.
He fucked into you. Relentlessly. Pushing you to your limits, trying different angles that had you seeing stars. He was panting over you, sweat glittering on his brow with the light of the candles. But he never slowed down, keeping that same unforgiving pace that turned everything inside of you to liquid lava.
“Such a good little princess”, he breathed, and there was an edge to his voice. Maybe because he too was keeping his grunts and moans in, or maybe because he was on the verge of coming.
You couldn’t tell, and your brain had completely lost the ability to think a couple of moments ago.
“So tight”, he praised as he slowed the rhythm, and you met his gaze. “So fucking tight.”
He pushed inside of you harder, and a pained expression moved on your features. He immediately stopped, before bending down again.
“Let me untie you.”
You hadn’t realized that you were pulling on the restraints so hard, but as soon as your wrists were freed you wrapped your arms around Taehyung’s neck, pulling him into a kiss. He fucked into you again then, quick and hard and he swallowed the moans that escaped the confines of your mouth.
Your hands roamed his body, getting lost in his hair and caressing the skin of his back, until you were pretty sure you could mold his shape into mud. Until you were pretty sure you knew every little aspect of him, as his lips kept moving against yours. His tongue met yours, and he kissed you wildly, letting out a grunt that had your walls clenching against him.
“Fuck fuck fuck”, he cursed in your mouth.
You let out another breathy moan, and he pulled back to look at your face. He was so close you could count the moles on his features, and you reached to trace them, gently, as his rhythm slowed down.
“Everything okay?” you asked him, almost pensively, as he moved way too slow for pleasure to steal your thoughts again.
“You feel like heaven, princess”, he praised, and he landed a kiss on the top of your nose. “But I’m not sure I want to come yet.”
You bit your lip, before pulling him closer again. Not enough for your lips to touch, but enough for your eyelids to fall shut from the proximity. “Please come for me, Tae.”
“Fuck.” His curse held no bite as he nodded. You watched his blown pupils as he started moving faster again, until his balls were slapping your ass once more. It was a little loud, but you didn’t want to stop Taehyung from chasing his high, so you kept silent, holding your moans in as he dug his face in your neck, sucking a mark on your shoulder to keep his own moan in.
It hurt. Just a little. The kind of pain that made your nails dig in his back. Just a little. But that was enough to send Taehyung over the edge, and he cursed as he emptied inside the condom, stilling his movements deep inside of you. You could feel his dick twitching as he unloaded, and you held him close as he bit into the spot he had been sucking on.
Halfway through the ordeal, Taehyung moved his head from your neck. You barely had time to look at his glossy lips before he had them pressed against yours, and he kissed you through the remainder of his orgasm. Fast and wild and wet, with his tongue chasing yours in your mouth.
Once he was done, Taehyung rested his forehead against yours, and you breathed the same air until your heartbeats had gone steady in your chests again. Only then did Taehyung pull away, and his dick pulled free from your pussy, leaving you empty.
It really did feel empty after he had been stretching you like that.
“How are you feeling?” he asked as he rolled next to you, turning his face to look at you.
It took a moment for you to meet his gaze, and you just watched him carefully as he awaited your reply ever so patiently.
“Good”, you whispered.
He smiled, that same sweet smile that had stolen your heart when you were just a teenager. “Thank you.”
“What for?”
He looked away, eyes trailing to the ceiling. You watched the flickering lights of the candles on his profile for a time, before looking up at the ceiling too.
“For being here with me for my birthday”, he said. “But also for trusting me with your first time.”
You wet your lips, shrugging your shoulders. “I think some part of me always imagined that it would be you.”
You wanted to curse yourself the moment the words had left your lips.
“What?”
His eyes had moved back to you now, but you refused to meet his gaze. “I had a crush on you when we were younger.”
“Oh.” He remained silent for a time, and you wondered if he could hear every painful beat of your heart. “That’s cute.”
You blushed even though your cheeks were already flushed from the sex. “Cute?”
“Mmh”, he hummed in agreement. “You’re cute.”
You looked at him then, meeting his dark eyes. They were crinkling at the corners, as the corners of his lips tugged upwards on his handsome features.
“Am I?”
He nodded slowly. “Especially when I’m fucking you.”
A teasing glint had taken form in his gaze, and you rolled your eyes. “I should have expected you’d be an ass about it.”
“Hey”, he let out, and he rested a hand palm first on your stomach. “I’d never be an ass when it comes to you.”
Could he tell he had stopped your heart in your chest with that simple sentence?
“Never?”
He seemed to ponder for a time. “Not purposefully, no.”
It made you wary, and you furrowed your brows. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“That I don’t want to be an ass when it comes to you.”
You didn’t want to feel like you felt then. As if the crush had never left and was slowly blossoming into more. But he made it so damn hard.
“As much as I like hearing you say that, I should probably head back to Eunjin’s room”, you murmured, before cowering away from his gaze as disappointment filled it.
You were fleeing. You knew you were, but you didn’t have another option.
Kim Taehyung was far too dangerous for your own good.
*****
Days came and went, faster than you had ever imagined they could. Being held by Kim Taehyung felt like that: as if you were a fast car racing for the end of the street.
You could only hope the end of the street wasn’t made of a stonewall.
The rest of the Holidays had been lovely, with your family and his. You had then gone back home to Seoul, and your secret meetings with Taehyung resumed in their usual scene: him in your apartment, and occasionally you in his. You liked going to his place, and it was needless to say why: his dog was one of the cutest you had seen in your life. It was also reassuring, in some way, to know that Taehyung didn’t mind you being in his place. Even if what you shared was still but an illicit affair, being held by him in his bed while the alarm clock on his bedside table read the hour of early mornings felt just right.
You didn’t have a chance to meet up often. It made you wary, sad, and sometimes you thought yourself to be delusional. Because you wanted to see him more, wanted to share his days the way you shared his nights. The Holidays had given you a glimpse of that. A week, outside of time, where you had known you’d get to see him every day. Where he had brushed his fingers against yours when no one else looked, as if he just couldn’t resist closing the distance between you.
Months passed, and you wondered if there would be a day where you wouldn’t need to wait. Sometimes, you considered ending things with Taehyung, just because he was silent for a while. But whenever he held you again, you knew you couldn’t stop. Drugs were addictive, and Kim Taehyung was the most addictive drug this world held.
The devil through and through. Because he was sweet, giving in to your fantasies. Cuddling you when you didn’t feel like having sex, teasing you about shared memories or kissing your shoulder while you cooked food for him. Occasional meetings, yes, but all of them held feelings you had never thought you’d feel.
The months of winter passed, with icy winds carrying snowdrifts and staying in as cold reigned over the world. You worked a lot during those months, and maybe that most of all was the reason why you never found the courage to speak to Taehyung. Because even though you were growing wary, seeing him felt like a day of summer in the middle of winter, and you needed it. It wasn’t like he treated you badly. Taehyung was sweet, with everything he did. You just couldn’t help but wonder what he was doing when you weren’t together.
You knew some stuff from his public persona, but Taehyung was far more than what met the eyes of outsiders. His mind was complex, a maze you hadn’t been able to figure out. You didn’t know if you were to figure it out someday, and some part of you wondered if it would have been different, had he not become an idol. Had he stayed in Daegu, next to you. It was treacherous thoughts, so you pushed them away whenever they came.
Surprisingly enough, Eunjin didn’t notice the change in you. Or maybe she had chosen not to, and she never questioned you whenever you fell silent, or gazed in the distance longingly. It was the strangest thing to be hiding something so big from your best friend, but it had become second nature a while ago.
The month of April was pretty, in Seoul. With flowers blossoming on every street corner, and warm winds erasing the chills winter had left behind. They also eased the thoughts that held a dark corner of your heart, whenever it came to Taehyung. Shed light to the darkness, especially when Taehyung invited you over some early afternoon. It was unusual, as you always met later in the evening, but he had called you on one of your rare days off. You weren’t going to miss the opportunity.
You got ready quickly, dressing up in a black skirt that you paired with a dark cardigan over a white polo shirt. It looked preppy, a style you had realized Taehyung enjoyed. Though his clothing usually was far more expensive than yours, it still felt great whenever he complimented you for how you dressed.
Taehyung’s compliments hit differently than those of the other men around you. Not that there were a lot of men. Except for the males in your family and Jeongyu, you didn’t really talk to any men other than Taehyung.
You didn’t want that to change.
You made your way to Taehyung’s place slowly, enjoying the warm breeze the day held. The sun shone brightly, with only a few lazy white clouds streaming overhead. Birds sang their chirpy songs, accompanying the music you were bobbing your head to from the lone earbud in your left ear. You bowed at the sweet old street vendor that offered you tteokbokki, reminding you of that night Taehyung had come to pick you up. The first night something had happened between the two of you, when a whole new world had opened up to you. It plastered a smile on your lips, and you arrived at Taehyung’s place in a cheery mood.
It only swelled even more when he opened his door to you, with a matching bright smile on his own lips. He spoke your name softly, grabbing your hand and pulling you in.
You giggled as he wrapped his arms around your waist. “Hi”, you greeted him, hugging him back as the fragrance of his detergent hit your nose.
It smelled just like him, and you shut your eyes as you rested your head against his shoulder.
“I’m happy you could come over”, he murmured. He pulled away from the hug, just enough to press a kiss on the top of your head. “Yeontan missed you.”
Another light giggle fell from your lips. “Yeontan?” you questioned, even if you could hear the dog barking from the other room.
“Mmh.” Taehyung nodded, and he kissed the top of your head again. “I missed you too.”
“That’s more like it.” You said it teasingly, and Taehyung chuckled over you.
“Where did you get tteokbokki?”
You had all but forgotten the little plastic bag that hung from your hand, and you pulled away from the hug to give it to Taehyung.
“Some sweet lady offered it to me while I was on my way.”
A mischievous smile spread on his lips, one you echoed as you took off your shoes to follow him in.
Yeontan was on the couch when you walked in the living room, barking happily from the cushion he was sitting on. You made your way to the little dog, picking him up to hug him against your chest as Taehyung kept moving in, towards the kitchen area. You followed him as the dog tried licking your chin, which made you laugh giddily.
If the look Taehyung offered you over his shoulder wasn’t endearing, you didn’t know what endearment was. It filled your heart with warmth, and blush crept on your cheeks.
Taehyung put the tteokbokki down on his table, before moving to grab chopsticks for the both of you. You sat on a chair, putting Yeontan down on your thighs as you watched Taehyung walk back to your side. He sat on the chair next to you, leaving the chopsticks next to the plastic bag before bending down to press a kiss on Yeontan’s head.
He pressed a kiss on your cheek next, before moving to grab the tteokbokki from the bag. It smelled delicious as he pulled the lid off, and he smiled at you as he offered you a short glance.
“Enjoying the day off?” he asked, and a second later he was digging in the tteokbokki.
You followed his lead, and the sweet and spicy flavor filled your mouth as you chewed on the rice cake. Taehyung seemed to regret his decision, fanning his mouth as a disgusted scowl formed on his features.
“Why is it so spicy?” he asked after he swallowed.
You let out a small laugh. “It’s always spicy”, you reminded him.
He narrowed his eyes in suspicion, and you gently shoved him in the shoulder.
“Actually”, he said after a short moment of silence. “I have something I wanted to ask you.”
“What’s up?” you asked, without thinking more of it.
You were in a good mood after all. But when Taehyung didn’t reply right away, only watching you carefully, you turned your head towards him, putting the chopsticks down on the bowl.
“Is something wrong?” you asked, voice smaller all of a sudden.
“If I asked you to pretend to be my girlfriend for a dinner, would you say yes?”
You sucked in a breath, eyes going a little wide. Your heart skipped a beat, and you found you couldn’t hold his gaze.
“What?”
You could see him worry at his bottom lip as he thought, probably searching for the right words to say to convince you. “The members have been on my back about being single for a while”, he said carefully. “I just want them to stop.”
You could understand where he was coming from. People, mostly your family, often annoyed you about being single, about not having someone in your life. It got on your nerves sometimes, but ever since you had started seeing Taehyung, you had found that you didn’t mind all that much when they asked you questions. You only had to let your thoughts diverge towards the arms of the man sitting next to you and the annoyance disappeared.
But the word ‘pretend’ in his mouth sounded bitter. Sour, as if it had gone bad before leaving the confines of his beautiful mouth. Or maybe it was just the wariness that had been lurking at the back of your mind that suddenly grew stronger.
Taehyung was looking at you. With a small pout on his lips, an expectant look in his eyes. His cheeks were a little puffed up, and for a moment you wanted to reach out and pinch them. You resisted though, keeping one hand on the table and the other on Yeontan’s back. To calm the itch in your fingers, you scratched the dog, and your eyes moved away from Taehyung.
“For a dinner?” you asked.
Taehyung must have thought that meant yes, because a boxy smile made its way to his lips, making his whole face shine just like the world outside was shining. “Tonight, yeah. Jimin invited all of us over.”
“Tonight?” you repeated, eyes going round once again. “Tae, that gives me no time to get ready!”
He wet his lips, before glancing at you. “You look gorgeous, princess.”
You couldn’t say no. You couldn’t say no to his sweet face and his sweet words. You were pretty sure he could get you to crawl in mud if he wanted to.
“Tae…” you trailed off, and a small pout formed on your lips.
He echoed it with one of his own, and he murmured your name with a low voice that sent a shiver down your spine. It reminded you of the way he whispered it against your skin whenever you were entwined, and really, you couldn’t say no at all.
“What do I get in exchange?” you asked, looking down at Yeontan as you pet him.
“I’ll let you go on a shopping spree with my card?”
The suggestion made a small laugh bubble in your chest. “Tae, I can pay for my clothes myself.”
You glanced at him, but his eyes were looking at the tteokbokki as he furrowed his brows, lost in thoughts. “I can buy you food?”
You rolled your eyes. “Why do you think I want a gift?”
“What else could I give you?”
Your heart felt strange in your chest again. You. For real. You wanted to say it, but something kept you from doing so. All you could do was shrug as you looked away. Until Yeontan moved under the palm of your hand.
“You could let me have Yeontan.”
Taehyung gasped. “My dog? Never.”
“Then don’t make me pretend to be your girlfriend.”
“Please?”
You rolled your eyes again, before offering him a small smile. “I’ll just steal Yeontan without you realizing. But I’ll go with you.”
He smiled brightly. “I’ll ignore the threat, but I won’t forget it.”
He planted a kiss on your cheek, before grabbing more tteokbokki. You followed his lead, watching his profile carefully. Until an idea popped up in your mind.
“You know what we should do?”
He cocked an eyebrow as he looked at you, chewing the tteokbokki as quickly as he could to swallow before it burned his mouth too much.
“What?”
A wicked smile grew on your lips. “We should get matching outfits.”
His eyes widened, lighting up with agreement. “Oh, they definitely would believe us then.”
You ignored the ache that formed in your heart at his words as you nodded your head.
“You’re a genius”, he complimented you.
Your wicked smile melted softly. “Doing my best.”
And as Taehyung offered you one of his iconic grins, you realized that you cared about him far more than you even thought possible. Because his happiness made you happy.
Dangerous grounds to tread for sure.
*****
Turned out Taehyung had everything in his wardrobe to match his outfit with yours after all. His pants matched your skirt perfectly, and his no-sleeves wool cardigan was similar enough to yours to give the right vibe. He also had a white polo-shirt, one that almost looked like a golf polo, that worked perfectly to complete his outfit. A black belt hugged his pants to his hips, and the smile on his lips matched yours just right.
The perfect picture of a happy couple.
The elevator leading to Jimin’s apartment felt crowded, with just you and Taehyung standing there. Your eyes had diverged to a stain on the carpet, and Taehyung watched your profile for a time as the elevator shot upwards.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
You chuckled breathlessly. “I’m anxious. I don’t know your friends. And what if Eunjin learns that I was here?”
“She won’t”, Taehyung reassured you. “She barely talks to the members. They’ll never connect the dots.”
You knew he was right. Because there was no way in hell Taehyung would have asked you if he had thought it might reach Eunjin’s ears. Still, your previous wariness hadn’t let go of you, and you were pretty sure you were about to step in the biggest mess you had ever stepped in.
“Plus”, Taehyung added, and he turned to face you and grab your hands. “They’ll love you, I’m sure of it.”
“It doesn’t really matter if they love me or not”, you pointed out. “I’m probably never going to see them again.”
Taehyung remained silent, though he tried to catch your gaze as you stubbornly kept it on the floor. Once he understood you weren’t going to look up, he grabbed your chin to force you to meet his gaze.
“Let’s not think about that right now, mmh?” he murmured as soon as your eyes locked together. “We have to put on a good show.”
You gulped, glancing down at the lips you had kissed far more often than you should have. They looked just as soft as ever, and they glistened a little from when he had wet them just a few seconds ago.
“I’m not an actress like you…”
“Just follow my lead”, he encouraged. “You’ll do great, princess, I’m not worried.”
And as the elevator dinged and the doors started sliding open, Taehyung leaned down to press a soft kiss to your lips. It felt strange to be kissed by him somewhere else other than in your apartments, but your eyes immediately fell shut, and you let out a small sigh.
“Why am I not surprised?” a voice said from outside of the elevator.
You startled out of Taehyung’s arms, blush creeping on your cheeks. Kim Seokjin was standing outside the elevator, arm outstretched to keep the doors from closing shut.
“Hyung!” Taehyung let out happily. He introduced you, before pointing at the older man, eyes on you. “This is Kim Seokjin.”
“World-wide handsome”, Seokjin said as a way to introduce himself, a small smirk on his plump lips. “We almost thought you didn’t exist.”
You pursed your lips to keep in the nervous laugh that had almost fallen from your mouth. Because you actually didn’t exist, but they couldn’t know, right? “Nice to meet you.”
Seokjin chuckled. “Sorry, that was rude. Nice to meet you too, Y/n.”
An alarm started blaring in the elevator, startling you.
“I was on my way down to get some stuff Jimin forgot at the grocery store”, Seokjin said as he got in.
“We’ll come with”, Taehyung said, but it was useless, since the doors had already slid shut.
You were encased in silence, and your gaze slid to Taehyung. Seokjin stood between the two of you, with his face angled towards the floor. He looked sad, for a moment there, but when Taehyung asked him what he was supposed to get, the shadows lifted and his features lit up as he answered.
They talked for a time, and you tried to disappear through the carpet, not wanting to attract Seokjin’s attention. It was a failure because he glanced at you, offering you the whole of his focus. “How did you meet Taehyung?”
You really hadn’t planned this thing right, had you? Because you had no idea what to say. Taehyung looked at you, waiting for the lie you would craft, but nothing came to mind.
“Uh…” you let out, as your cheeks burned red. “We…” you paused, looking at Taehyung for salvation. He offered none, and you finally decided to settle on something that was as close to the truth as you dared to get. “We grew up together.”
“You’re from Daegu?” Seokjin asked, a soft smile on his lips.
You nodded. “My parents lived near Taehyung’s parents’ farm.”
Seokjin nodded, before starting to talk about his farmer uncle. You didn’t really have a chance to plug in a word, and Taehyung made sure to keep Seokjin going. Probably because that way he was off your back. And it worked, the grocery store trip being filled with stories Seokjin recalled about the farm, and eventually he moved on to stories about Taehyung in their trainee days.
Seokjin was funny. With an easy smile and an easier laugh that you found hard not to share. He was nice with you, and as you were riding the elevator back up to Jimin’s place, you found yourself more at ease. Still, you didn’t really know how to act around Taehyung, but you were pretty sure it didn’t really matter.
Some couples didn’t do a lot of public displays of affection, but that didn’t mean they weren’t dating, right?
Walking in Jimin’s apartment put you back to square one, as you saw most of the other members sprawled on the couches. Three girls were sitting with the members, and you could hear two women’s voices coming from what you could only assume was the kitchen, along with the unmistakable voice of Jeon Jungkook.
Most of all, every pair of eyes had turned to you, and you were pretty sure none of them were looking at Taehyung or Seokjin. No, it really felt as if you were the center of attention, and you hated it.
Until Taehyung stood closer to you, his large hand gently taking a hold of yours. He reassuringly brushed the back of your hand with his thumb, and you glanced at him. He had a soft smile on his lips when your gazes locked, but he quickly moved his attention to the group.
“Hey”, he simply said, and conversations immediately resumed, as if silence hadn’t been reigning a moment ago.
Hoseok, Namjoon and Jimin moved to you, hugging you as Taehyung did the introductions. Yoongi waved at you from his spot on the couch, and you waved back, eyes trailing to the girl at his side. She waved you over, and Taehyung tightened his hold on your hand before letting you go.
With cheeks burning, you moved towards the girl. She moved closer to Yoongi, as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder so she could cuddle into his side. You sat in the spot she had left for you, next to another girl that offered you a bright smile as you glanced at her.
“I know this might be overwhelming”, she said secretively. “When Namjoon got me to meet all of them, I almost thought I was going to die from the anxiety.”
You could understand.
“But you fit right in!” Yoongi’s girlfriend happily said. “And I’m sure…” she trailed off and you figured out she was waiting for your name. You offered it to her with a shy voice. She repeated it, before continuing, “I’m sure you’ll fit right in too.”
You could only hope they didn’t notice your discomfort because you were caught in a lie. “Thank you”, you breathed, meeting Taehyung’s gaze from across the room.
At the looks Jimin and Hoseok threw at you, you could only assume they were talking about you. Taehyung offered you a reassuring nod of his head, along with a small smile he reserved just for you. Then Namjoon said something, and Taehyung looked away, forcing you to go back to the conversation around you.
The girls offered an easy conversation, one Yoongi participated in with ease. That most of all brought you back to the ease Seokjin had raised in you, and you even found yourself enjoying their company. Hoseok’s girlfriend was just as nice, though she didn’t stay long, claiming she had to help Jimin’s girlfriend, Jungkook and his own girlfriend in the kitchen. Seokjin followed her, which left you with the rest of them.
Soon enough, Taehyung, Jimin, Hoseok and Namjoon moved back with you, and conversation flowed easily in the group. Surprisingly enough, no one really asked you any questions about you and Taehyung. They all just joked around, and shots of soju were passed around the group.
Min Yoongi surprised you the most out of all of the members. For some reason, you had expected him to be shy and cold, but he was all smiles and excited, participating in the conversation with everyone, even leading it sometimes. He was cute, and his girlfriend looked at him with soft eyes that made you jealous, in some way.
Because even though you were looking at Taehyung like that, it was an act. It couldn’t be more than pretending. Indeed, he really had just asked for it to be for one dinner. Nothing more.
You could hope, though. Because he acted around you with ease. Holding you close, kissing the top of your head or holding your hand whenever he could. When he pulled you up to your feet as you were moving to the dining room, he even kissed you in front of everyone, holding you by the waist with his large hands. When he pulled away, you found yourself unable to hold his gaze, instead busying yourself with pulling invisible lint off his cardigan.
It didn’t go unnoticed to him. The way you avoided his gaze. You knew because his hands tightened on your waist, as if he could bring you back to your senses. But your heart was aching in your chest, as it had been throughout the day, whenever you remembered that it was all fake.
“Are you okay?” he asked, voice low just for you to hear.
The living room had emptied a moment ago, and you felt comfortable to speak up. “I can’t do this, Tae…”
He pursed his lips. “You’ve been doing great.”
“But I hate lying.” You looked up once, before quickly shying away from his gaze again. “They all look so happy for you.”
“Which means it’s working”, he pointed out.
A question took shape in your mind, and you shut your eyes tightly trying to avoid saying it.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, and he sounded a little exasperated.
“Why do you want this to be fake?” you enquired, and courage made its way to you, enough so that you met his gaze with a harsh look on your face. “I’ve been thinking about it all day and I don’t understand why you want to pretend.”
You wondered if he would answer truthfully. If he would finally let you see some part of the mystery that clouded him. Instead, he scoffed, looking over his shoulder.
“We can talk about it later.”
“Don’t dismiss me like that”, you said through gritted teeth.
“Y/n, Taehyung-oppa!” a female voice said from the hallway.
You tried to loosen the expression on your features as Jungkook’s girlfriend came into view. You didn’t know if you succeeded, but Taehyung’s cheerful tone as he told her you were on your way worked well enough, and the tattoo artist turned back on her heels.
“Now, let’s just pretend for a little longer and then we can talk”, Taehyung said to you, letting go of your waist.
“Please stop being so…” you trailed off, motioning between the two of you.
“So what?”
You met his gaze, letting out a long sigh. “Stop acting as if you’re in love.” And really, he wasn’t even acting all that different from what he usually acted like with you. It was pretty much the same, and that most of all was killing you. Because then it meant that the way he had carried himself in all those secret meetings meant nothing, even though you had been telling yourself the opposite for so long.
“How else can they believe me?”
“I don’t know, Tae, but I really don’t like it.”
He scoffed. “You’ve been a blushing and smiling mess, don’t tell me you don’t like it.”
“That’s exactly my point, Tae.”
You didn’t wait for him to say something else, instead moving around him to make your way to the dining room. You didn’t want to lose your cool, and you knew damn well a moment longer in that living room would have led to you bashing Taehyung’s perfect teeth in.
He was oblivious. Or you were just a game for him to play.
A game he had become a master at.
*****
Later that evening, you found yourself lingering at Jimin’s place, along with Jungkook and his girlfriend. Seokjin had left first – it was easy to know why. He was the only one that was unaccompanied, and that same sad look you had seen on his features in the elevator had come back frequently, as the evening had unfolded.
Whoever Kim Seokjin was longing for, they had broken his heart to pieces.
Namjoon, Hoseok, Yoongi and their partners had all left since they had early plans the next morning. Unfortunately for you, you were off from work tomorrow too, and didn’t have any excuse to give everyone as to why you needed to leave. So you stayed, even if the atmosphere between you and Taehyung had turned cold after your conversation in the living room.
He had continued his act after, even though you had asked him not to. You were aware you probably looked like an angry girlfriend, so you had tried to relax. Had let him do what he thought he had to, but focused on the conversation with the other girls. Mostly Jungkook’s partner, as she had been the one sitting next to you.
The tattoo artist had bright eyes. They shone brighter whenever Jungkook was close to her, and sometimes you thought you saw stars in her eyes. Mostly, the celestial bodies were visible when she was gazing at the man she loved, and he echoed them with galaxies in his own gaze.
Another reminder to you that for all the feelings you had for Taehyung, you would never be allowed to look at him that same way. Because you were aware that the hurt and the anger were coming from feelings. Affection you had been trying to push back to the very back of your mind, but that had refused to be forgotten all throughout the day. It was easy to ignore it when it was just you and Taehyung but pretending around other people was wrong.
And a mistake through and through.
You were glad when Taehyung let you out of his sight, after most of everyone had left. Jimin’s girlfriend had to go back home to call her mother on Facetime, and the boys were currently in the living room, joking around as long-time friends usually did. That left you alone in the kitchen with Jungkook’s girlfriend, and she sat on one of the high stools at the island as you washed the dishes.
Taehyung had done most of it earlier, but the dessert dish had been forgotten on the stove, so you decided to busy yourself by taking care of it. Mostly because Jungkook’s girlfriend had been looking at you curiously, as if she knew the secrets you had been keeping.
“Something happened between you and Taehyung-oppa?” she asked.
You startled, glancing at her before shrugging your shoulders. “Happens sometimes, doesn’t it?”
She pursed your lips, before slowly nodding. “Yeah.”
An awkward silence moved between you, as you focused back on the dish.
“I…” she started, but she never finished the sentence.
You looked at her again, this time catching her gaze.
“We didn’t really fight”, you admitted.
The truth had come out so easily your eyes widened.
“I know.” She did. You could tell by the way a careful look moved on her features. “Taehyung told Jungkook.”
You sighed, gaze dropping to the floor. You grabbed a towel to dry your hands, before leaning against the counter, folding your arms on your chest. “What did he say?”
“That he was tired of being laughed at.” The girl looked away from you, as if she felt bad to be the one telling you. “He and Sanghee had a really complicated story, and the boys have been trying to get him to move on from her.”
You had no idea who Sanghee was. Some part of you thought to ask Eunjin, but you knew that wasn’t even a possibility. The only person you could ask was Taehyung, and you weren’t convinced you even wanted to speak to him right now.
“By laughing at him?” you asked.
Jungkook’s girlfriend chuckled. “Not really, no. Mostly, they kept telling him to put himself out there. To go out with the girls that ask him out and stuff like that. He kept refusing saying he didn’t need it, then said he was dating someone earlier today. Then he brought you here.”
You didn’t really know if Taehyung had told Jungkook you weren’t really dating. So you chose to remain silent, as Jungkook’s girlfriend looked down at her glass on the island in front of her.
“I think I’m only telling you because Jungkook and I had a similar situation”, she continued. She then seemed to think better of it, meeting your gaze. “Well, it wasn’t all that similar. But Jungkook’s ex almost came between the two of us…” She shrugged, pursing her lips. “But I think you should tell Taehyung how you feel.”
“We’re dating”, you lied.
Jungkook’s girlfriend cocked an eyebrow prettily, letting out a small laugh. “You are not.”
You almost wanted to be angry at her for pointing it out, but she offered you a kind smile that only made tears prick at your eyes. You turned away from her, resuming your work on cleaning the dishes.
“But you could be if you actually talked to him”, she added. “I have a hard time believing that everything he’s done today is an act.”
You found it hard to believe too, yet you knew it was the truth. Because you could feel that Taehyung had changed after your fight in the living room. Even if he still was clingy, he was cold.
Kim Taehyung had never been cold to you before. No, ever since that night you had told him what you had, under the star-filled blanket of the night sky, Taehyung had always been warm when it came to you.
You were pretty sure it was coming to an end now.
“Taehyung is an enigma”, you pointed out. “He’s been that way since we were kids.”
Nothing interrupted the silence in the kitchen for a moment, except the sound of the water sloshing as you washed the dish through tears in your eyes. Jungkook’s girlfriend remained silent, so much so you almost thought she had left. But she seemed like the kind of girl that would stick up for someone else, and you were pretty sure she wouldn’t leave you alone right now.
It seemed you had judged her character well, because a second later she appeared at the corner of your vision. You glanced at her, and she offered you a gentle smile. “Jimin said he was going to take care of washing that.” She put a hand on your wrist, until you had let go and she could dry your hands with the hand towel. “Just talk to him”, she said gently. “It’s surprising what a good conversation can do.”
You raised your eyebrows, slightly shaking your head. “I think I dug the grave a while ago.”
“Why do you think that?” she asked as she put the towel back on the oven’s handle before looking at you again.
“He’s my best friend’s older brother”, you admitted. “I’ve known him forever.”
Jungkook’s girlfriend nodded, but didn’t say anything, letting you choose the rhythm at which you wanted to confide in her.
“Eunjin had a party in October, and it was my first time seeing Taehyung in years.” Images of the night came back to you: the beer pong, Taehyung holding your hand, the stars outside. How you had woken up in his bed the next day. “A few weeks later, he came to pick me up after I drank a little, we kissed and then we started…” you trailed off, as your cheeks burned red. “He’s my first. I don’t know why I chose him. Maybe because I used to have a crush on him, but…” You ran a shaky hand through your hair. “But he asked me to hide the whole thing from everyone. I did because I thought what we had was enough. But when he asked me to pretend to be his girlfriend tonight, it just felt wrong. It’s been feeling wrong.”
You finally fell silent, and Jungkook’s girlfriend waited a few seconds to make sure you were done before speaking, “This has been going on since October?”
“Well, more since November”, you said, nodding your head. “Why?”
She didn’t have time to speak before Taehyung appeared in the hallway leading to the living room.
“Hey”, he said, leaning against the wall.
Jungkook’s girlfriend kept her eyes on you, as if trying to tell you something. You couldn’t read the words behind her gaze though, and you eventually had to turn towards Taehyung.
“Hey”, you let out.
Jungkook’s girlfriend was pulling at some dry skin on her lower lip when she looked at Taehyung too. “Oppa.”
“Everything okay?” he asked, eyes focused on you.
It felt as if he was dismissing Jungkook’s girlfriend, and something about the way she stiffened next to you made you wonder what she had been about to tell you. What revelation her next sentence would have held had she had the time to tell you.
Instead, she only gently patted your shoulder, before walking away.
“Don’t hurt her”, she told Taehyung, one fist on her hip and a finger pointed at him aggressively.
Taehyung widened his gaze, but she was gone before he had time to reply.
“What’s wrong with her?” Taehyung asked as she disappeared. He pushed himself up from the wall, before taking a few steps towards you.
You shrugged. “I like her.”
“I usually like her, but she was weird tonight.”
Was she the only one that had been weird? Everything about the evening felt weird and wrong to you.
“Mmh”, you let out, turning away from Taehyung as he stopped next to you.
He murmured your name, hand shooting in the space between you… but he never touched you, letting his arm fall back at his side. “Do you want to go home?”
You nodded, avoiding his gaze. “Yeah, I think it would be better.” You sighed, folding your arms on your chest again.
Taehyung leaned on the counter next to you, hands disappearing in his pockets. He watched you carefully, with that deep gaze of his. You couldn’t resist glancing at him, and your heart stopped in your chest at the look on his features.
He had no business looking at you like that when you were alone.
“I shouldn’t have asked this of you”, he said, voice barely above a whisper.
You gulped, immediately looking away. “It’s whatever, Tae.”
“I’m sorry I was an ass earlier”, he continued, ignoring your words.
It brought you back to the night of his birthday, when he had said he’d never be an ass when it came to you. Had he only said that to ensnare you further?
You had never thought Taehyung would be the kind of man to make promises he couldn’t hold.
“You weren’t an ass”, you said, shrugging your shoulders. “You asked me something and I said yes. I’m the stupid one that let it get to my head.”
“But this didn’t start today, did it?”
“Can we talk about this at home?”
You met his gaze, holding it until Taehyung finally gave in, nodding his head. “Alright.”
You said goodbye to Jungkook and his girlfriend, in the living room, before moving towards the door. They walked you to the door, telling you that Jimin had gone to his girlfriend’s place across the hall, and that they’d say you had to go. Jungkook’s girlfriend hugged you before you left, whispering encouragement in your ear. You exchanged phone numbers, even as Taehyung seemed a little weary next to you, and soon enough you were on the way.
The elevator ride down to the underground parking lot was spent in a tense silence. So was the car ride, and you pulled at dry skin on your bottom lip so much you could almost taste the metallic tang of blood on your tongue.
It was only when you were standing in Taehyung’s hall that you finally turned towards him.
“Can I ask you a question?”
He tilted his head to the side, mouth parted just a little. Just enough for his tongue to dart out and wet his lips. “Yeah?”
“Who’s Sanghee?”
He immediately froze. One hand in one of his pockets, the other holding the sweater he had brought back from Jimin’s place – he had apparently forgotten it there last time he had gone.
“I knew Jungkook’s girlfriend was up to no good…”
He walked away from you, and you followed him to the living room. Surprisingly enough, Yeontan hadn’t woken up when you had walked in, and the dog blinked tiredly at Taehyung, getting up from the spot it had been sleeping in on the couch. Taehyung threw the sweater next to his dog before he picked him up, hugging him tight to his chest as he pressed a kiss to the top of the dog’s head.
“You know”, you said as he avoided your gaze, “you don’t have to talk to me about her if you don’t want to.” You looked around, surprisingly finding yourself memorizing Taehyung’s living room. “I just think it’s time we talk about what’s going on between us.”
He slowly nodded, and the motion caught your attention. “I realized earlier…” He chuckled, almost bitterly. “I hadn’t realized you were into me like that.”
You hadn’t really either. The way he said it sounded like an accusation, and you furrowed your brows. “It’s not really like I could control it. It just was too real.”
His lips were stretched in a thin line when you looked at him. “I didn’t realize…”
“So tonight was all pretend, right?” You waited till he nodded before you continued. “But what about all the times we hung out before? Was that all a lie too?”
“Why are you talking in the past tense?”
It was the first time he showed concern about whatever was between you. As if he was only now realizing that it was coming to an end.
“Because I can’t keep going on like this”, you admitted.
He sat down on the couch, and his eyes fell to Yeontan in his arms. The small dog was looking at you, tongue on the side of his mouth, head cocked to the side. You wanted to get closer and snuggle him, but for the first time in months, you didn’t want to get closer to Kim Taehyung.
“Understood”, he said, nodding curtly.
“That’s all you’re going to say?”
He focused on Yeontan on his lap, hiding his features behind his hair. “I don’t know what to tell you. You asked me to teach you about…” he trailed off, as if he didn’t want to say the words. “We never talked about feelings.”
Tears were pricking at your eyes. “So it’s just me?”
He didn’t say anything. Only pet Yeontan as the dog watched you carefully. You wondered if he could hear your heart breaking in your chest. Slowly at first, and all at once when Taehyung met your gaze.
His eyes held finality. Like the last line of your favourite song.
“What did Jungkook’s girlfriend say about Sanghee?” he asked.
You thought your blood had turned cold in your veins, and you felt an icy sheen of sweat forming on every inch of your body. “Just her name.”
Taehyung didn’t speak for a time. “She’s an ex”, he admitted. He put Yeontan beside him, and the dog made itself at home right next to him. “We dated for a few months, but…”
You clenched your teeth, waiting for what was to come next.
“When we broke up we kept seeing each other”, he continued. “Purely physical. That’s why the guys wanted me to meet someone else.” He pinched the bridge of his nose, but somehow these were the last words he spoke for a long time.
So long you figured he wasn’t going to say anything else.
“When did you stop seeing her?” you asked, with a wavering voice that made you feel weak.
You thought you already knew, but you wanted to hear it from him. Needed to hear it from him, no matter how much it might hurt.
“It…” he trailed off. “We haven’t really stopped seeing each other.”
You had been a fool to think your heart had broken earlier. Because now it was falling, heading straight to hell, and it tore your chest open. Bled you dry, as your lungs burned. Oxygen made it worse, feeding the fire until every inch of you was burning with heartbreak.
All Taehyung did was look at you. Look at you with the stupid dark gaze that had made you fall for him all those years ago, and once again these few months ago. He looked apologetic, sorry, as if he was a child that had been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to.
Worse, he looked like someone that had been caught cheating. But it wasn’t really cheating, was it? You hadn’t been dating. Had only been seeing each other for sex. Yes, Taehyung was a respectful man, and had never forced you to do anything if you didn’t feel like it. But you had imagined it to be more, to be him caring for you the same way you cared for him.
You had been delusional to think Kim Taehyung would care about someone else than himself.
After a little eternity, of unsaid words and unrequited feelings, you chose to go. To let him go, and to do what was the good thing for you. Preservation, maybe, even if every single part of you wanted to cross the distance between you and lose yourself in him again. Because maybe then you wouldn’t be hurting so much. Maybe then you could pretend the last few hours had never happened. Had only been a product of your imagination, a nightmare brought to life.
But nightmares were real, and it was time your feet found ground again. Ground and reality, where you could go back to living your life without the sins Kim Taehyung brought to it.
So, you looked away from him and you turned around, making your way towards the door.
“Wait, Y/n”, he said.
You didn’t stop, but he was quicker than you. Maybe because you were weak, and you didn’t really have the strength to walk away. Maybe because you cared too much, and it was slowing you down. He grabbed your wrist, turning you around and pulling you into his arms.
“I don’t want you to leave crying”, he said, wrapping his arms around your shaking frame.
Because you were crying now, sobbing with your face hidden in his chest. He gently ran a soothing hand on your back. And you wanted to curse him for it, to push him away until his heart broke too. He didn’t get to be the one to comfort you. Yet you couldn’t pull away, wanting to enjoy these last moments in the warmth of his arms.
“I really didn’t realize you cared for me like that”, he said softly. “I’m so sorry.”
It made you understand one thing: Taehyung didn’t feel for you the way you felt for him. You had been stupid to think everything would be alright. He had always been meant to break your heart.
Maybe he should have stayed a ghost in your life after all.
“You…” Taehyung started, but his voice caught in his throat.
“What the fuck is going on?”
You startled out of Taehyung’s arms, for what seemed like the hundredth time today. As if you had never been meant to be in his arms in the end. Now you knew that was true. You quickly wiped your cheeks dry, and almost wished you hadn’t when your vision cleared up.
Cleared up to reveal a red-faced Eunjin, with a plastic bag seemingly holding containers.
“What the fuck is going on?” she repeated.
“Why did you just come in like that at this time of the night?” Taehyung asked in the same reproachful tone your best friend had used.
Her eyes moved between you and her brother a couple of times before they settled on you. “Y/n, please tell me this is not what I think it is.”
“Eunjin”, Taehyung said with a stern voice. “It’s none of your business.”
“Something’s going on between the two of you and you didn’t think to tell me?” Eunjin’s voice had gone a little higher.
“What are you doing here?” Taehyung asked again.
She slowly shook her head, before putting down the bag she was holding. “Eoma asked me to bring you some side dishes and I didn’t have space in my fridge so I thought I’d drop it off.”
“You can’t just come unannounced.”
“You can’t just fuck my best friend.”
“Eunjin!” you burst out. “Whatever was between us is over.” It made Taehyung tense next to you, but he knew it just as well as you did. Wasn’t it what he wanted?
Eunjin only then realized the tears you had failed at drying. Or maybe your eyes had gone bloodshot, as they tended to do whenever you cried. “Y/n…”
“And now I’m going to go home”, you added and you continued moving towards the door.
Eunjin quickly fell into step with you. “I’m going to kill him.” She let out a bitter chuckle. “Oh he is fucking dead.” This time she scoffed. “I can’t believe he would hurt you.”
“What makes you think he hurt me?” you said as you stopped at the door to put your shoes on.
“I know my brother”, she said, rolling her eyes. “It’s the only thing he knows how to do.”
You were almost offended by what she implied. You looked behind, hoping Taehyung would be there to defend himself, but he hadn’t followed you. It hurt and burned, and you wished you could go back to pick up the pieces of your broken heart. But you couldn’t. Especially not now that Eunjin was next to you.
“The only thing he cares about is himself”, Eunjin continued, and you hated that you had yourself thought so just a moment ago. “He uses people and drops them when he doesn’t need them anymore.”
The look you threw her finally made her shut up. She offered you an apologetic smile, but you ignored it as you stepped out.
“Let me drive you home”, Eunjin gently said once you were outside.
You nodded, fighting the tears that were threatening to fall again. Eunjin noticed, and she grabbed your hand reassuringly.
“I can’t believe I lied to you all this time”, you said, brushing the tears that had spilled on your cheek.
Knowing Eunjin and the grudges she could hold, you could only hope she wouldn’t hold this one. “You know what? I suspected it. During the Holidays. But I wanted you to tell me yourself and then I just thought it was all in my head.”
You chuckled sadly. “Wasn’t in your head.”
“Unfortunately”, she grumbled, looking behind her. “But let’s not talk about it tonight.”
“Aren’t you working tomorrow?” you asked with a small voice.
She shook her head no. “This is an emergency, work can wait.”
This time, you really couldn’t stop the tears that rolled on your cheeks.
“Oh Y/n”, she said, pulling you in her embrace. “I’m so sorry.”
You were tired of Kim siblings apologizing today, but Eunjin’s arms felt a lot more reassuring than Taehyung’s had felt just a moment ago. Strangely enough, just like a moment ago, this hug was interrupted by a Kim sibling, one you really didn’t want to see at the moment.
“Y/n”, Taehyung called from the door to his building.
Eunjin turned on her heels so quickly it almost made you fall. “You go back inside”, she said, motioning to the building. “You don’t get to hurt her and then pretend nothing happened.”
“Eunjin”, Taehyung said carefully. “I just want to talk.”
“Not today, oppa.”
She had her fists on her hips, standing her ground in front of her older brother. It was all for you, and it made a small laugh fall from your lips.
The two siblings threw you a surprised look, and when you met Taehyung’s gaze your heart constricted in your chest, reminding you of the reality of heartbreak.
“What do you want, Tae?”
You had barely spoken over a whisper, but you could see him gulp in the distance. “I just want to talk”, he repeated. “Just to explain myself.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re important to me”, he said. “I can’t just let you go like that.”
“Maybe you should have decided that before breaking her heart, asshole”, Eunjin grumbled.
“Eunjin”, you said in the same scolding tone she had just used.
She rolled her eyes, folding her arms on her chest. “Don’t make me angry at you too.”
You slowly nodded, before turning towards Taehyung again. He looked pale. As if all the honey in his skin had drained, leaving only a pale shade behind. A ghost of what you knew he truly looked like. He almost looked as if this was hurting him as much as it was hurting you, and it made you want to hate him.
But you didn’t really have it in you to hate Kim Taehyung. No matter how broken and jagged the pieces of your heart felt.
“Listen, Tae”, you breathed, and you blinked away tears – who knew you were such a crier when it came to men? “I don’t really want to talk right now.”
“But…”
“Not today, Tae”, you said, echoing Eunjin’s previous words. “I’m tired, and I want to go home.”
He ran a hand through his hair, pulling at the strands. It made them stand on his head, and he looked somehow desperate. As if letting you go was taking its toll on him.
A little dirty part of you was satisfied at the thought that he felt bad too.
“Okay”, he let out. He shut his eyes, cocking his head to the side. “Just call me when you want to talk.”
“I will.” It was a promise, more than you wanted to give him. But the part of you that cared for him really hated that he looked hurt. Deeply, just like you were.
Why would he have run after you if he didn’t care?
It was a treacherous thought to have, and there was so much to discuss between the two of you. Feelings you had ignored so well you hadn’t even realized they were there until it was too late. Stuff he had hidden from you, or that you had never thought to ask. That you had never thought you needed to ask. You had thought what you had with him was real, in some way. Had convinced yourself so well, you had never even seen the signs that it might not be.
Was she why he hadn’t sought to see you more often? The question was poison to your bleeding heart, and you pushed it away. You would have plenty of time to think about it tomorrow, or the day after that. For now, you needed to focus on mending the broken pieces of your heart, in Eunjin’s company. Someone you never should have lied to in the first place. After all, maybe she would have been able to save you the broken heart.
But maybes weren’t going to fix the situation, weren’t they?
*****
Heartbreak did a strange thing to the world. It made it seem colourless, as if the colours had leeched from your surroundings the same way the happiness had disappeared. Everything was meek, shining in shades of a morose gray to which melancholy clung. Sleep evaded you most nights, and you spent the darkest hours rethinking the events.
Wondering where it all went wrong. What you did wrong for him to keep seeing her. Were you bad in bed? For all his praise, had he only been lying to you?
All the questions spun in your head relentlessly. You were aware that it was toxic to think about it, but Taehyung was your first heartbreak. You didn’t really know how to act, and exhaustion was clinging to you.
It had been a week since you had left Taehyung’s place. He had watched you leave, and hadn’t Eunjin been by your side you probably would have run back to him. Instead, you had only looked at him while Eunjin had been driving away, and Taehyung’s broken eyes had made you burst out crying again.
You were glad for Eunjin. She had been picking up your pieces, slowly but surely. Spending as much time with you as she could. It made you feel weak, but this was your first broken heart. You didn’t really know how to heal it, and having your best friend by your side helped.
Especially since you didn’t have to lie to her anymore. You could tell she was disappointed, that you had kept everything silent, but still she was by your side, never pushing you to talk.
She hadn’t really needed to anyway. You had told her everything the next day, even if some parts had clearly made her uncomfortable considering Taehyung was her older brother. Even through all the wincing, she had held your hand, and when you had cried, she had dried your tears. Somehow, you hadn’t been able to talk about Sanghee though. The subject hurt too much, and you had chosen to wait. It wasn’t like it mattered anyway.
You were currently lying in bed. Eunjin was next to you, scrolling on her phone. Your own cell phone had been foreign to you since last week. Mostly because Taehyung had texted you the next day to ask when you wanted to talk. Eunjin had been the one to tell him you needed more time, and ever since then your phone had been silent.
The silence was like a colourless world. Morose, melancholic, and it made everything ache a little more. Because there were reminders of Taehyung everywhere, in this world. The perks of getting your heart broken by someone famous.
You sighed, running a hand on your face.
“Everything okay?” Eunjin quickly asked, concern laced with her voice.
Your hand stalled on your face for a few seconds before you let it slide to the bed as you nodded slightly. “Just feel lonely.”
It wasn’t your first time telling her that. “I’m right here.”
“I know.”
You let out a small bitter chuckle, because she knew just as well as you that the person you wanted to see was Taehyung, and not her. Even if you loved Eunjin deeply, she wasn’t her brother.
“Do you think I should talk to him today?” you asked, turning your head towards her.
She was already looking at you, with a somber expression on her features. “Do you feel ready to talk to him?”
All week you had told her no. But for some reason, your first instinct wasn’t to say no today. It wasn’t like you wanted to wait forever; if Taehyung had something to tell you, you wanted to hear it now. Not when talking to him would reopen the wounds.
You needed to truly put him in the past if you wanted to move on from him. A conversation would offer closure, and hopefully then it wouldn’t hurt as bad.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready”, you admitted. “I just want to get it over with.”
Eunjin’s features reminded you of Taehyung. The slight pout of her lips, her eyebrows raised just a little over her eyes… she looked a little too much like him.
It made you look away, and your gaze moved back to the ceiling.
“I get it, honestly”, Eunjin said after a few more seconds of silence. “Do you want me to text him to come over?”
“Uh”, you let out, before letting out a small laugh. “While you’re here?”
Eunjin nudged you with an elbow. “As much as I’d like to murder him, I think it’s a conversation you need to have with him alone.”
“Yeah”, you agreed. “That’s what I think too.” You paused, letting out another longing sigh. “I can text him myself though.”
Eunjin sat up, and her heavy gaze on you couldn’t be avoided anymore. “I’ll keep my phone close. If you need me, you call.”
You followed her, sitting up next to her. “I will, I promise.”
She slowly nodded, before glancing at the door of your apartment. As she remained silent, you grabbed your phone from the bedside table. It felt strange in your hands, as if thinking that you were about to text Taehyung was giving you a little life again.
It wasn’t all that much that you missed him. It was more of a relief, knowing that the pain was finally coming to an end. Or to whatever end a conversation with Taehyung could lead to.
You had talked to Jungkook’s girlfriend this week. She had been sweet and had offered to meet up for coffee sometime. You had agreed, and you were set to grab coffee with her next week. It showed you one thing: even if Taehyung might be about to get out of your life, there were still other people, new people that you would meet.
Your phone scanned your features, before opening to your home screen. You sighed, clicking on the text message app. It took everything in you to open the conversation with Taehyung, and you looked up to Eunjin as the conversation appeared on the screen.
“Gosh”, you let out.
She offered you an encouraging smile. “It’s going to be okay”, she reassured you. “Taehyung is an ass, but he’s willing to talk. That’s more than I’ve ever seen him do for someone before.”
You hated the seed of hope that it planted in you, but a foolish, stupid part of you clung to it. You needed hope after all the pain. But you tried to tame the hope, to push it away. Taehyung had been seeing someone else. All that time you had imagined to be special between the two of you, he had had someone else in his life.
You weren’t sure it was something you could ever forgive him for, but you were willing to listen to him. Maybe because you had known him for most of your life, and you owed him as much. Though you weren’t sure he deserved it, after all he had done.
His explanations needed to be good.
“Did he tell you about Sanghee?” you asked her.
You had avoided her mention ever since you had left Taehyung’s place, but you needed to know. Whatever Eunjin might tell you… because some part of you didn’t even believe Taehyung would tell you everything.
“Sanghee? He told you about her?” She looked genuinely surprised.
You shook your head no. “Not really. He just mentioned her because Jungkook’s girlfriend talked to me about her.”
“They were dating last year”, Eunjin said. “Sanghee was just in the picture for his money and fame. Taehyung broke up with her when he realized.”
“Did he tell you that he kept seeing her after that?”
Eunjin’s face was unreadable for a time. “I wouldn’t be surprised.” She looked sorry. Apologetic, at having to tell you that. Because she was your best friend: you knew she wished she could tell you that Taehyung was just rainbows and butterflies. She knew him better than anyone else though, and she wasn’t a liar.
You knew she would never lie to you.
“He told me he did”, you admitted. “That’s mostly why I ended things between us.”
It hadn’t really been the only cause. Because you still were ashamed to say you had fallen in love with him while he had only cared for you for sex. You had already told her enough about your story with Taehyung, and you didn’t want to explore it further with her.
It was something that was yours and his. You didn’t want to share it with his sister too.
“You know what?” Eunjin let out. “For someone that never dated anyone, you really know your worth.”
You furrowed your brows. “I let him string me along for months.”
Eunjin cocked her head to the side, her lips stretched in a white line. “You still ended things with him. The only other person that was able to break up with him was his first girlfriend.”
You remembered her, a little. Just that she had been in the picture. You had never really met her, but you knew losing her had broken Taehyung’s heart. It had been years ago, sometime around when you and Taehyung had stopped talking to you.
“Go me”, you said weakly, and Eunjin let out a small laugh.
“Go you”, she agreed. She threw her arms around you, hugging you tight. You hugged her back, nuzzling your face in her neck. “I still want to kill him for hurting you though.”
“I might kill him myself”, you mumbled.
She laughed again, a clear laugh that did wonders to your broken heart. “You should. Teach him a lesson. It’s time he stops being an asshole.”
You weren’t really sure you would have such an impact on Kim Taehyung. Even if you had known him before he became all that he now was, you were nothing compared to him.
You pushed the insecurity away. You weren’t nothing. You were your own person, and the fact you weren’t a celebrity like him meant nothing. In fact, you were glad for it. You didn’t envy his famous status, and the scrutiny under which he was forced to live his life. Maybe he would have turned out differently, hadn’t it been for all of that.
“Now, tell him to come over”, Eunjin said as she pulled away, still holding you by the shoulders.
You nodded, and you glanced down at your phone. The screen had turned dark, and this time when it scanned your features and opened, it opened right on the conversation with Taehyung. You quickly typed a message, something simple, because you weren’t quite convinced you would still have the courage to invite him over to talk if you wrote more than a sentence.
You watched the message go from sent to delivered, and then you met Eunjin’s gaze again. “Done.”
She smiled at you. “Good. Now I’m going to get a baseball bat in case…”
“Eunjin-ie!” you exclaimed, pushing her away. “You’re the one that told me to invite him over.”
Her smile turned devilish. “I’m just saying I really want to beat some sense into him.”
“I’ll do it myself, I told you”, you grumbled.
Before she replied, Taehyung sent a message back, saying that he was on his way. You worried at your bottom lip, putting your phone away.
“So?”
“He’s on his way”, you told Eunjin.
“Damn, this is not my brother”, she whispered. She shook her head, widening her eyes in surprise before glancing at the door.
“What do you mean?”
She shrugged sheepishly. “He doesn’t act like that with girls. And I really hope he’s not only doing this because you are my friend.”
You could imagine that he would. Family was important to Taehyung, far more than it was to most people nowadays. If talking to you could preserve his relationship with Eunjin, you were pretty sure he would. But Eunjin had been entirely loyal to you, ever since last week. She had told you she had ignored his calls, and that she would until everything was settled between the two of you. And for all her complaining, you knew Eunjin cared about Taehyung just as much as he cared about her.
No matter the outcome of your conversation today, you knew she would still remain just as close to him as she’d always been. You couldn’t blame her for it, he was her older brother after all.
Eunjin left a few minutes later. Hugging you tight to her chest, telling you once again to call or text if you needed to. You reassured her, telling her that you were strong enough to do this yourself, but as you watched her disappear, you fought an unexpected wave of tears. You blinked them away, cursing Taehyung under your breath, before moving to your couch.
Where this whole thing had started in the first place. You sighed deeply, wishing you could go back in time to erase what had happened here all those months ago. But as you waited for Taehyung, you tried to think about something else. About anything that wouldn’t make your mood fall lower than it already was. You didn’t want him to know just how bad you had been doing.
Taehyung arrived a while later. For some reason, you had expected him to get to your place in no time, but it took him almost an hour. When he knocked on your door, you paused the drama you had put on as background noise, taking a deep breath to collect the little courage that you still had.
You got up from the couch, pulling at some dry skin on your bottom lip as you slowly walked to the door. Slowly, because you dreaded the moment you’d open it and you’d be forced to gaze at his handsome features.
Your hand was on the knob when he knocked again, and it made you jump a little. You took another shuddering breath in, and then you turned the doorknob.
The sight of Taehyung wasn’t what you had expected it would be. His hair was ruffled, untamed, and he was plainly dressed in a pair of dark jeans and a white t-shirt. His eyes avoided yours, but you immediately noticed the dark circles that painted them, making him look dreadful.
Taehyung looked just as exhausted as you felt.
A little yelp attracted your attention, and your eyes fell to the floor. Yeontan was looking up at you, and as soon as you noticed him, he ran to you, begging to be picked up.
“Hey you”, you let out, surprised to see him there. You bent down, scratching the dog’s head. Knowing you couldn’t avoid it any longer, you looked up at Taehyung.
He finally met your gaze. “Hey.” His voice was small. Deep, deeper than the ocean, but it sounded empty. Void of the warmth it usually carried.
Whatever remained of your heart in your chest constricted, aching more than you had even expected it could. You had to gulp down a sudden lump in your throat, and you picked Yeontan up to busy yourself. To give yourself an excuse to look away.
“Why did you bring Yeontan?” you asked once you were standing, the leash hanging between you and him.
He shrugged. “I thought you might want to see him.”
You looked at him for a few seconds, before turning towards your apartment. “Come in.”
He followed you in, letting the leash go so he could take off his shoes. You brought Yeontan in, putting him down on the carpet next to your couch.
“Animals aren’t allowed here”, you said, and you dug your hands in the back pockets of your jeans so Taehyung wouldn’t notice they were shaking a little.
He shrugged. “If they complain I’ll buy the building.”
You cocked an eyebrow, tilting your head to the side. “That’s a bit excessive.”
He shrugged again, before walking in. He had put on the slippers you had gotten especially for him. They were BTS slippers, and you had gotten them as a joke in January.
You smiled a little at the memory, but froze as he moved closer to you.
“I don’t care.” He stopped about a meter and a half away from you, and the distance had never felt so wide. “Just a peace offering.”
You pursed your lips, slowly nodding your head. Yeontan barked, and a small smile broke on your mouth as you bent down to pet him again.
You didn’t see it, but Taehyung looked at your smile as if it was an oasis in the middle of the desert.
“You’re lucky I love him”, you said with a tiny voice.
Taehyung stayed silent, and you just played with the dog for a time. Mostly because you wanted to avoid the conversation. As much as you needed to talk to him, or to hear what he wanted to say, you also dreaded the end of whatever it was that you and Taehyung had shared.
But you couldn’t push the moment away for far longer. Soon enough, you had to stand up straight, and face whatever Taehyung had to say.
You schooled your features into neutrality, hoping he wouldn’t see the ache behind your eyes before finally straightening and meeting his gaze.
His dark gaze looked similar to what you were used to, but something was missing. The spark that it had held before was gone. It made Taehyung look infinitely sad. You hated it, and you clenched your jaw.
“Do you want to sit?” he asked.
You hadn’t expected it. You looked at your couch, remembering everything that had ever happened there. You shook the memories away, before sitting. Yeontan jumped on the floor, begging to be put on the couch too. You couldn’t help but laugh a little, before giving in to the dog’s desire. He let out a small bark, as Taehyung sat on the other extremity of the couch.
He had the ghost of a smile on his lips, and you quickly looked away at the sight of it.
You sat in silence for a while. Not knowing where to start, not wanting to be the first one to talk. You wanted him to talk first, to tell you whatever he had run out in the night to tell you the other day. But Taehyung seemed to be struggling to find words to say. You’d let him have all the time he needed before he collected his thoughts.
“How have you been doing?” he asked.
It took you by surprise, to hear him asking that first. You wet your lips, shrugging. “I don’t think you’re here to talk about that, Tae.”
He was looking at the floor, and a glance at him showed you the way his shoulders seemed to fall forward, making him look defeated. And maybe he was, after everything.
“Sorry”, he apologized. “I just… I don’t even know where to start.”
You worried at your bottom lip. “Why don’t you start by telling me what you wanted to say last week?”
He shrugged, and there was another long silence.
“Sanghee means nothing”, he finally said. “She never really did.”
You breathed in and out once, shakily. “But you never stopped seeing her.”
“It was entirely just physical. And it didn’t even happen a lot. She called sometimes and I just went because I was bored. I have and had no interest in her ever, if I’m honest.” He shut his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I called her at the beginning of the week to end things with her. It was stupid that I was still seeing her”, he scoffed. “I hate that I had to hurt you to realize that, but she never even mattered.”
He fell silent, and you just watched his profile for a time. Yeontan had crossed the distance to Taehyung, perhaps sensing that his dad needed him.
“It just feels…” you trailed off. The beginning of the sentence had been accusative, and you took a deep breath to calm down. “It makes me feel like I wasn’t enough. Or not good enough.”
“Trust me”, Taehyung said, finally meeting your gaze. “It has nothing to do with that at all. I just…” He glanced down at your hands. You were wriggling your fingers, anxiously, and he looked so full of hate for himself for a time… It made him look ugly. “I can’t really justify my actions. Because they have no reasons. She asked and I didn’t really care so I went. But…” He paused, wetting his lips, searching your features for a few seconds. “It never felt with her the way it felt with you.”
“What is it supposed to mean?” you asked with a weak voice you wanted to hate yourself for.
He looked down at Yeontan as the little dog struggled to climb on his lap. “That if all the times with her could have been with you, then I would have had them with you.”
Your eyes were sad when he looked at you again. But they held no tears, and you weren’t sure you would be crying more tears for him. You had cried enough.
“You could have had them with me, Tae…”
He shut his eyes, running a hand through his hair. “I know. I realize that now. I just always thought… because of Eunjin I just…”
He was at a loss for words. That much was clear. And you didn’t know what to do to help him.
“Do you want a glass of water?” you asked as he searched for words.
His eyes fell open, and a crease appeared between his brows. “What?”
“Do you want a glass of water?”
He looked at you with an unreadable expression for a time. “Uh yes, please.”
You nodded, getting up from your spot on the couch to walk the short distance to the kitchen. You could feel the weight of Taehyung’s gaze on your back, but you didn’t look back. Instead, you focused on pouring the water from your water filter pitcher in a glass. Once the glass was full and you had no excuse left, you turned around and walked back towards Taehyung.
He looked at a random spot on your wrist as you handed him the glass. He carefully took it, and your fingers touched for a moment. You hated that it made you want to reach out and grab his hand.
He said your name, his voice barely even audible to you. “Thank you.”
You nodded your head, offering him a small smile, before you moved back to your own spot on the couch. You settled yourself comfortably, sitting angled towards Taehyung. He noticed, and he also turned his chest towards you, resting his shoulder against the couch before taking a long sip of water.
“I thought that because of Eunjin, you would never really be interested in me”, he said once he had swallowed. “And I fully understand how stupid that is, I was an oblivious ass. Or maybe it was me and I didn’t want to think about anything more happening between us…” He trailed off, and he let out a little broken chuckle that made every inch of your body ache. “But the day of my birthday. Fuck, I wanted to hate you after. But I couldn’t and I kept coming back.”
“What?” you let out.
He wet his lips, and he searched your features for a couple of seconds. “You know, when I was younger, I always imagined myself getting married. And now, when I look at myself in the future, I see myself with someone like you. Someone that knows me from before, someone that cares for me for the person that I was back then. I think that’s why I was attracted to you in the first place.”
You were stunned for a moment, unexpecting the words that were spilling from his mouth now. And he didn’t seem like he could stop anymore, as if the glass of water had helped him to finally find the words he had been wanting to say earlier.
He shook his head, running a hand through his hair. “Scratch that”, he added. “I don’t see myself with someone like you. I see myself with you. With you by my side, raising my children with me. I think you’re the only one that can understand why I want five children. Because there was the five of us growing up and it was perfect. You’re the only one that I can imagine sharing my life with that way.”
“Tae”, you let out. “You can’t just say all of that.”
It stopped the words falling from his mouth. Yet his lips remained parted, and you could almost hear the echo of his voice in your skull.
He was pale. He had been pale last week, but he looked even worse today. As if he hadn’t seen the sun in a while, and hadn’t eaten well since then either. He looked crestfallen, and all the fight that you had seen in him for the last few minutes drained out of him, leaving but an empty husk of him behind.
“I was falling for you”, you said carefully. “I fell for you once when we were younger, and then all these months… it was like my teenage dreams coming to reality. And it makes me uncomfortable that all along there was someone else…” You pursed your lips, searching for words, a little like he had been a moment ago. “Was there anyone else, other than Sanghee?”
You hadn’t expected the question. Clearly he hadn’t either, because his eyes widened and he shook his head quickly. “Never. Not even once. And you have to trust me, Sanghee means nothing to me. It really was just physical. Maybe I agreed to meet with her because I kept telling myself I couldn’t be with you. Because of Eunjin, and because of who we were to each other.”
Somehow it really didn’t make you feel better. But at the same time… he wanted to be with you. He imagined himself with you in the future, like you had been imagining yourself with him. Even if you refused to admit it to yourself, you had chosen Taehyung because, to you, there was never going to be someone else than him. It had been him once, and it would always be him.
You were weak for Kim Taehyung. Had been before you had even known what it meant.
“Where does that put us though?” you questioned. “You were acting weird with me, Tae. All these months. I never could have imagined there was someone else.”
“I know.” The look of defeat on him only worsened. “I can’t show you how I was with her because I’d never treat you like that.” He scoffed. “You could talk to Jungkook. I think it’s the first time in my life he actually was angry at me. But his girlfriend… She really likes you. She told me I was a disgusting prick and that I didn’t deserve you. She said I was stringing you along…” There was silver lining his gaze now. “I never meant to string you along. I didn’t realize that I was stringing you along until I understood how oblivious I’ve been.”
You would need to tell the girl you loved her. As soon as you could. Because having her stick up for you meant more than you could ever say.
“I wasn’t all that better”, you said.
It was true. You also had avoided talking to him about how you felt. Had avoided even thinking about it as much as you could. Funnily enough, it had never been about Eunjin to you. But you could understand why it had been that way to him. Eunjin was his little sister, someone he had taken care of. He would have never done anything that could put a wedge in his relationship with her.
Except he had, and that thing was you.
“I didn’t talk to you either”, you said. “I mean.” You let out a small anxious laugh. “I didn’t want to talk to you about how I felt, because I refused to even admit it to myself. But at Jimin’s dinner, I just couldn’t ignore it anymore. The more you showed me affection, the more I felt myself sinking.”
You fell silent and he just observed you for a time, with that deep dark gaze of his.
“I can’t really blame you”, he finally said. “Yes, I could see that we both have faults in this. But…” He slowly shook his head again. “Princess, I was using you.”
“Were you?” you enquired, and your heart beat quicker in your chest. “Were you using me, Tae?”
There really were tears in his eyes. It made his gaze dim, with sadness and melancholy. “No. I wanted to see you. If I used someone, it was Sanghee. Never you. I actually enjoyed spending time with you. You remind me of a simpler time.” He wet his lips. “I really like the time we spent together.”
“I liked it too.” You could admit that.
He held your gaze. “I am so sorry.”
He truly looked sorry. In all truth, he looked like a beaten puppy. Even with Yeontan cuddling by his side, Taehyung looked like a little lost boy. He was clutching the glass of water – he had only drunk a couple of sips, and the glass was still half full. You wanted to reach between you, to run a hand through his hair soothingly…
“What for?” you asked.
He laughed bitterly. “For everything. I was everything I don’t like about me with you. And I regret it.”
Could you forgive him? You really wanted to. You wanted to forget everything had happened, but you didn’t think you had it in you.
You still were aching, imagining him in the arms of someone else.
The silence stretched between you. You didn’t know what to say, and clearly he had told you everything. He sighed, and it left his nose shakily, as if he was on the verge of breaking. Yet you could tell he already had broken, much like you had.
It was surprising to think that you had broken Kim Taehyung too. Or maybe he had done that all by myself, breaking his heart as he tore yours from your chest.
“It’s okay”, you let out. “Thank you for telling me.”
There was a dismissal in your words. He heard it just as clear as you did. He ran a shaky hand on Yeontan, who let out a small sad sound.
“Thank you for listening.” He shut his eyes once more, the perfect picture of the fallen angel. You had thought him to be a devil once. You now knew that devils ached too. Had fallen just like everyone else. “You know”, he said, and his deep voice sounded oh so tired. “Watching you walk away the other day… it felt like I was dying. It made me realize that I care for you far more than I wanted to admit it to myself. And I’m aware that I took you for granted. I won’t ask you to be mine, because it feels unfair after what happened. I just…”
He trailed off, and his gaze met yours again. He wanted you to read the words in his eyes, but you needed to hear them.
“You just what?”
“I just want you to know that, wherever you go in this world, I will always be loving you.”
A tear slipped on your cheek, free falling, the same way you were free falling. Heading straight to the ground, yet…
Yet you didn’t reach it this time.
“Tae…”
“I’m crazy for you.” He said it like he had a hard time believing it himself. “I really am. I’m sorry I fucked everything up.”
You let his words sink in for a time. It wasn’t his first time telling you he was crazy for you. He had said so, on his birthday, when he had come to talk to you in his father’s office. You hadn’t thought his words had meant more than his sexual attraction to you. But you saw it in his eyes now. You saw the way they shone in the light. With emotion and intensity and regret. So much regret.
“Tae”, you repeated. “Do you…” You searched for the right words for a time. “Do you really think all of that?”
“Yes”, he said without a beat of silence. “It took me losing you to realize it. But yes, you matter to me. A hell of a lot.”
You tilted your head to the side. “You like me?”
He looked infinitely confused, with a crease between his perfect eyebrows, and a strand of hair falling in his eyes. “I just told you I’m in love with you?”
“Say it again.”
He understood. Quite at the same time as you did.
You weren’t going to let him go. You couldn’t let him go.
“Y/n…”
“Say it again.”
“I love you, princess”, he said, and he let out a small chuckle. A tear escaped the jail of his eyelids, rolling on his cheek until it fell on Yeontan’s head.
You folded your arms on your chest, then thought better of it and you hid your face in your hands, as a small broken sob shook your frame.
“No”, Taehyung let out.
It took a few seconds, but then he was taking you in his arms, crushing you against his chest. You laughed, sadly, as tears just cascaded on your cheeks. Taehyung was shaking, as if he was cold, and you let go of your face, only to bury it in his neck. You wrapped your arms around his waist, and one of his hands found its way to your hair. He massaged your scalp gently and you let him hold you. Let him comfort you. Because you wanted Taehyung to comfort you. You wanted to be with him.
But he couldn’t be with someone else at the same time.
“Tae”, you said against his neck.
He held you tighter. “Princess…”
“You can’t see someone else.”
He let out a small broken sound. “As if I’d ever want someone else than you, fuck.”
It was your turn to hold him tighter. Until Yeontan barked, and the two of you started laughing. You pulled away, trying to reach for the dog. But Taehyung was holding your shoulders, and a second later his hands moved to your cheeks. He dried your tears, and then pulled you in.
You let out a small, surprised sound as his lips found yours. But they were just as soft as you remembered, and you immediately melted into his touch. You kissed him back, with all the hurt that you had been carrying over the last week. Until Yeontan barked again, demanding attention.
“Wait, wait”, Taehyung said, pulling away from you. “Yeontan.” He used a firm authoritative voice, yet it only seemed to make his dog go crazy even more. Taehyung let out a long sigh and was about to turn towards his dog when you ran a hand through his untamed hair.
“You look like shit”, you said, and new tears rolled on your cheeks.
His eyes widened in fake offence. “Excuse me?”
“You haven’t slept and your hair is all a mess”, you tried to explain. “I’m so sorry I made you wait for a week.”
“Hey hey hey”, he said with a soothing voice, grabbing your wrists as you were once again going to run your hands through his hair in a hopeless attempt to tame the wild strands. “I would have waited for a lot longer if it was what you would have needed. It’s okay.”
Yeontan barked again.
“Let me just…” he trailed off, letting go of your wrists so he could grab his dog. “What’s wrong?”
Yeontan just looked at him with an innocent look on his face.
“I think he’s jealous.”
“Well, let me put him in your bathroom real quick”, Taehyung said with his classic small pout.
You loved when he looked at you like that. You watched him get up and move to the bathroom, while he murmured soothing words to his dog. Yeontan let out a single bark when Taehyung closed the door behind him, but then he fell silent.
You were thankful for it, because the look on Taehyung’s face had entirely changed once he settled his gaze on you again. You gulped as he walked back towards you.
He was yours. Kim Taehyung was yours. And it was true. The part he had mentioned about children. You understood why he wanted five kids. You wanted five of them yourself, just to offer them the childhood that you had yourself lived. You hadn’t told him earlier, but the urge to do so now was stronger than you.
“Tae”, you said as he sat back next to you.
“Mmh?”
You turned, facing him with your whole body. “I want to have children with you too. You’re the only person I could imagine a future like that with. I think that’s why I asked you, when I was drunk at Eunjin’s party.”
A small smirk had moved on his lips, and it gave colour to his cheeks again. To the whole world around him too, and your heart rate increased in your chest.
“Well then we better get started, mmh?”
Your mouth fell open. “Now?”
He shrugged, before leaning down to peck your lips. “Whenever you want, princess.”
“I’m on the pill so it can’t be right now. And I have my job so we would need to plan a little more but…”
Taehyung crashed his lips on yours, interrupting your rambling and you kissed him back, grabbing his cheeks to hold him close. He kissed you hungrily, passionately, with that same fire you had gotten used to with him. Only this time, the fire didn’t burn. It was like the fire a hearth held in the winter. It was welcoming, warm and made a home a home.
Taehyung was your home. He always had been.
Your tongue swiped at his bottom lip, asking for more, and soon enough he met it with his own. You sighed in his mouth, climbing on his lap as he pulled you, holding your waist firmly. As if he was afraid you’d go.
You wouldn’t be stupid enough to go again.
You moved from his mouth to his neck, pressing open-mouthed kisses on the warm skin. Wet kisses, and you sucked on his skin as you moved lower, where the collar of his shirt hid the rest of his body from you.
“Princess…” he breathed, and it almost sounded like a moan.
You sucked on the skin again, before moving up to his lips. Capturing them in another wild kiss, as Taehyung’s hands slid from your waist to your ass.
“Do you know how much I love it when you call me ‘princess’?” you asked him as you pulled away.
He was looking at you through half-lidded eyes, and you could see the lust burning in his gaze. A fire that was about to consume the two of you.
You had stopped caring when he had told you he loved you.
“I know”, he said, and a smirk moved on his glossy lips. “I know what my princess likes.”
You bit your tongue to refrain from moaning. Because he had grinded up as he had said the words, and the prominent bulge in his pants brushed against your clit.
“Tae…”
There was a moment where you just stared at each other. Gazed at each other, with longing and lust and love. Because there was love between the two of you, even if you had tried to ignore it for all those months.
“Y/n…”
You pecked his lips once, and the hands that had been holding you up on his shoulders slid down his frame, until you reached the hem of his shirt. With no hesitation, you pulled it up his torso, and Taehyung pushed up from the couch so he could help you get the shirt off. Once his honey skin was free from the fabric, you ran your hands down his frame again, enjoying the hard planes of his perfect body. He watched you as you did so, his large hands having found your ass once more.
He squeezed your ass as your fingers glided over his ribs. “That tickles.”
You let out a small feminine laugh. The laugh only he had been able to bring out of you. “Sorry.”
You dove in once again, kissing him slow and deep, with your tongues meeting halfway. You sucked on his, and he grunted in your mouth, before letting his hands wander up and under your shirt. He pulled it up your frame, and you pulled away just long enough for him to take it off you before crashing your lips on his again.
His skilled fingers reached to your back untying your bra, but before he had been able to pull the fabric off your body, your phone rang.
You both turned your head to the device. It was face down on your bed, where you had left it earlier as you had been waiting for Taehyung.
“Do you want to get that?” he asked, right as he took off your bra.
You hesitated a few seconds, before getting up. “It’s probably your sister checking up on me.”
You crossed the distance to your bed, climbing the small flight of stairs that led to it. You sat on the mattress, letting out a small laugh as your eyes fell to your naked breasts. Your nipples were perked up, and you didn’t need to look at Taehyung to know what he was looking at.
You grabbed your phone, turning it at the same time as it stopped ringing. It was a missed call from Eunjin. A slight blush crept on your cheeks, and you quickly opened the phone so you could text her that you were okay.
Her reply came in before you had time to put the phone aside.
Does this mean you’re going to fuck my brother again?
Your cheeks were burning red when you looked up towards Taehyung. “Gosh.”
He smiled. “Eunjin?”
You nodded. “Let me just…” you trailed off as you texted your best friend that she was disgusting, adding three little dots and the winking emoji. You then shut your phone off, until only a black screen was staring up at you, before you looked at Taehyung again.
“She will probably kill me”, he said.
“She can try”, you replied from your spot on the bed. You put your phone on your bedside table, before moving until you were lying on your side, looking at Taehyung. “Why don’t you come here?”
The smirk on his lips made heat pool at your core as he moved towards you. Ever so slowly, with that same predator gait that made your blood boil inside. You bit your lip, holding in your own smirk.
Taehyung stopped next to your mattress. He undid his belt, slowly, and you shamelessly looked down as he let his pants fall around his ankles. The imprint of his dick in his pale underwear had you salivating, especially as your eyes followed it to the tip, where a wet spot indicated that precum had already leaked from his dick.
“You’re already hard for me”, you praised.
He palmed himself through his boxer briefs, cocking his head to the side. “My princess likes me hard, doesn’t she?”
You sat up, before moving to a kneeling position beside him. Because of your mattress, your mouth was at a level with his stomach instead of his dick, so you pressed a kiss under his belly button, before sucking the skin in. Totally aiming to leave a love bite there.
He hissed, one of his large hands moving in your hair so he could hold it like a ponytail. “You’re going to be a good girl and suck my dick, mmh?”
You kissed the tip of his dick, licking your lips chasing the salty taste of him. “Will you be a good boy and fuck me after?”
He let out a small laugh. “Dominant might look good on you.”
You bit into the side of his dick, softly. “Would it?” You moved to the tip, licking it. “I wonder what you would look like with me whipping you?”
His eyes went ten shades darker. “We’ll have to try.”
He grunted as you sucked him through the brief, and your saliva added a bigger spot where the precum already was. Taehyung seemed to grow tired of your teasing, because he pulled on your hair, long enough so he could pull his briefs down. His dick sprung free, and you let out a small breathy sound.
“You’re so thirsty for my dick, mmh?” Taehyung said. “You’re going to be a good girl and milk it for me now.”
You whined a little, because he was still pulling on your hair. He loosened the grip, and you immediately moved forward… only you avoided his dick, and you planted an open-mouthed kiss on the base of it. Looking up at Taehyung, holding his gaze as his cock stood hard next to your face.
“Fucking tease.” Taehyung looked angry, somehow. The cursing turned you on, and you sucked on the base of his dick, as you wrapped a hand around his length. Slowly jerking him off, never breaking eye contact. “Suck me, princess.”
You rolled your eyes playfully, but you finally gave in to his desires, pulling away just enough so you could wrap your lips around the head of his dick. You sucked on it, hollowing your cheeks as you swirled your tongue on his frenulum. A satisfied smirk appeared on his lips, and it only encouraged you to take him in your mouth, going as far as you could without choking.
“Good girl”, he praised, eyes never blinking. No, he was drinking in the sight of you, and you could tell he needed more. But you wanted him too, so you obeyed. Shutting your eyes to focus on sucking him, using your tongue to pleasure him in time with your hand as you jerked off what didn’t fit in your mouth.
Taehyung grunted, hips bucking forward just a little, but you could tell he was restraining himself. He didn’t want to fuck your mouth. Probably because he wanted to fuck your pussy all night and needed all his energy for that. The thought made you moan around the length of his dick, and he grunted louder this time.
“Fuck.”
You moaned again, swallowing around his dick as you took it as deep as you could. This time, you choked around him, and tears formed behind your closed eyelids. He pulled on your hair, until your mouth was free of his dick.
“Princess.”
You opened your eyes, looking up at him as you kept slowly jerking him off.
“I can’t believe the only dick you’ve sucked is mine, you’re so good.”
The praise made you moan, and Taehyung pulled your hand away from his cock. You offered him a confused look, but he kneeled in front of you, capturing your lips in a heated kiss.
His hands were everywhere: on your sides, on your back, in your hair. They moved to the front of your body, grabbing your breasts, pinching your nipples between his thumb and forefinger. He pinched hard, enough to hurt, but it only made you soak your panties even more.
Taehyung knew you liked a little pain. And he knew just how to hurt you to please you.
He pulled away from the kiss, replacing one hand with his mouth. He sucked on your nipple, worshipping it with his tongue as you moaned, arching your back and losing your hands in his hair. He nibbled at the sensitive bud and you shook in his hold, pleasure already building up inside of you. He chose that moment to let the other hand wander down your body, and he struggled with the button of your pants for a few seconds before it came undone, letting him dive his hand in, until he was cupping your pussy.
“You’re dripping wet, aren’t you?” he said, pulling away from your breast long enough to meet your gaze. “You’re going to come in no time.”
As if he wanted to prove his words, he sucked on your nipple again, using his teeth just enough to cause that blissful pain you had grown accustomed to. You moaned as he started pressing circles on your clit, through the fabric of your panties. You grinded in his hand, and sure enough there already was an orgasm bubbling on the horizon of your conscience. It came to you fast, and right before it hit you, Taehyung pulled away, stopping his ministrations on your nipple and your clit.
You let out a pained whine at the denied orgasm, and your hand reached towards your clit in the hope that you could still hit your high. Taehyung stopped you, grabbing your wrists until you stopped resisting him.
“You’re going to come only when I tell you to come, alright?”
His baritone voice was even lower than it usually was. Filled with danger, and you nodded your head. You wanted to be a good girl for him, because you knew he always rewarded you with the best orgasms when you were.
You nodded. “Alright.”
“On your back”, he said, your favourite smirk back on his lips.
You obeyed, eyes never leaving his dark gaze. The fallen angel through and through, about to use your body for his sins.
You’d let him use your body for his sins for the rest of your life. He must have noticed the emotion move over your face, because he climbed on top of you, pressing a gentle kiss on your forehead. Your eyes fluttered shut, and he pressed a kiss on your two cheeks before landing one on your lips. You kissed him back, sighing against him as he grabbed your wrists gently, pulling them over your head.
“No touching, mmh?”
He had barely pulled away, and you kept your eyes closed as you replied. “You should tie me up.”
“Don’t be a brat today, princess”, he warned. “I just want to enjoy you, I don’t want to have to punish you.”
You gulped, before slowly nodding your head. “I won’t touch you.”
“Good girl.”
He moved down your body, and your eyes fluttered open to look at him. He took off your pants, bringing your underwear down at the same time. His eyes were staring right at your pussy, and had you not known any better, you would have closed your thighs to hide yourself from his view. But clearly Taehyung was in a mood, and you didn’t want to anger him.
The denied orgasm still hurt deep down in your core.
You had expected Taehyung to eat you out. And he almost did, blowing a breath on your pussy, but he kneeled between your legs instead, letting his cock rest on your pubis.
“I almost want to fuck you like that”, he let out. “You’d be so fucking tight.”
But it’d hurt. That much you knew. And you also knew Taehyung would never hurt you like that. Still, your eyes fluttered shut as he moved back, just enough for his dick to move towards your entrance.
“And you’d let me do it, wouldn’t you?”
You would. “Yes”, you breathed, because you knew he liked it when you were vocal.
“Good girl.” He ran his hands on your thighs, pulling your legs up until he had them rested on one of his shoulders. “I’ll still finger you first.”
He had barely said the words before two long digits slipped inside of you. You let out a moan as he immediately curled them to hit the spot inside of you that made you see stars. And he fingered you relentlessly, and hard, until you were a moaning mess under his skilled fingers.
“You can’t come yet, mmh?” he let out as your walls clenched around him. “Wait until I tell you, princess.”
“Tae”, you moaned, and your eyes fluttered open.
He smirked at you. “Hi there.”
“I want to come”, you complained.
He pressed a kiss on the side of one of your legs. “You can wait just a little longer for me, mmh?” He landed another kiss on your calf. “I want you to come around my dick.”
The orgasm was close, clinging to you, making you ache from head to toe. You held it in, focusing on the strands of hair in front of his eyes. It moved as he fingered you, and he had to blink to keep it from touching his eyes. But he wasn’t slowing down, pushing against your g-spot until your legs shook on his shoulder.
“Do you think you can take me now?” he asked.
“Yes, Tae”, you said breathlessly. “Please.”
His finger left you empty, only to move up to your clit. He started drawing circles on it again, and you shuddered as he pushed his dick against your lips. He had barely pushed the head in when you let out a small cry.
“Just a little longer, princess”, he told you, with his baritone voice. It was soothing, somehow, but all your mind could do was focus on where he was stretching you wide open.
He slowly bottomed out, and it did hurt a little. Indeed, you were tight against him, tighter than you usually were. Because he usually took his time to spread you open before fucking his dick into you.
But he hadn’t been able to wait tonight, had he? You could understand why: he thought he had lost you. And you knew what that could do to a man. Fear was an ugly emotion, but it wasn’t really the time to think about that though.
“Tae, it hurts”, you whined.
He stopped moving his fingers on your clit, and you whined even louder. “You want to come?”
You nodded. “Yes.” There were tears in your eyes, from all the denying of your orgasm. You blinked them away frustratedly.
“Have I made you wait long enough?” he asked, and he started pulling out, ever so slowly.
“Fuck, Tae.”
“Such a pretty princess”, he praised. “You will come for me now, mmh?”
You moaned as he started moving his fingers on your clit again, with the perfect pressure. Your eyes fell shut, and your orgasm hit you as he thrusted all the way in again.
It was one of the best orgasms of your life. Blinding, deafening, muting. It took away all of your senses, and the only thing you could feel was the place where your bodies were connected. It was his fingers on you, and his dick inside of you. It was the clenching of your walls around his length, in time with every wave of your orgasm. And he worked you through it, never slowing down. Giving you what you had been denied for too long. He milked every last drop of it, and you were pretty sure you had squirted at the same time from the squelching sounds your pussy made as he kept fucking into you, slowly.
“Fuck”, you let out as his fingers finally left your clit.
“That felt good?”
A small laugh fell from your lips. “Fuck.”
It wasn’t just good. It was pure ecstasy, a drug that had ignited every single nerve ending in your body. All your senses came rushing back to you, and your eyes fluttered open to the sight of Taehyung gazing at you lovingly.
“You’re so beautiful when you come”, he said. He was hugging your legs to his chest, still fucking into you slowly.
“Tae…”
“I want to see you come every day”, he continued, ignoring the loving plea in your voice. “I want to feel you come every day.”
“You’re crazy”, you said, letting out another small laugh.
“Crazy for you”, he agreed.
And then he was fucking you again, chasing his own high. Holding your legs to hit that sensitive spot inside of you, until he chose to lean on top of you, kissing you as he slowed the rhythm. He made love to you for a while, your lips never parting for longer than a few seconds. Just long enough to suck in a much-needed breath, before he was kissing you again.
Taehyung hit his high a while later. While you were digging your nails in the skin of his back in an attempt to pull him closer. You wanted him closer, even if he was buried deep inside of you, reaching spots inside of you you didn’t even think he had reached before.
Taehyung painted the walls of your pussy white as he came, grunting against your lips as you kissed him through his orgasm. You were pretty sure he was whispering your name as he shook with the waves of his own high, and you only held him tighter, until he stopped moving altogether.
You remained unmoving for a time, save for the kiss that you didn’t want to let end. You wanted to kiss him until you would die, and he gave in. Kissed you back, poured his love for you in the muscles of his mouth. You ran a hand along his back, through his soft hair, before settling your arms around his neck.
“I love you”, you whispered as he pulled away to rest his forehead against yours.
He pecked your lips. “I love you too.” He went soft inside of you, yet he still didn’t pull out.
You only then realized that Yeontan was barking like crazy. “We should take care of your dog.”
Taehyung hid his face in your neck. “I don’t want to move.”
You laughed, hugging him close, even though he was crushing you a little. “I don’t want to be evicted.”
He raised his head to look at you. You read the words in his eyes before he even said them.
“No.”
“Why not?”
“I won’t move in with you.”
He pouted, that same begging pout that could win wars for him. “Please?”
You couldn’t say no to him, could you?
“You really are crazy, aren’t you?”
He pecked your forehead. “How many times do I need to tell you that I’m crazy for you?”
*****
One year later
You looked at the pregnancy test in your lap. Though happy tears had been blurring your vision, there was no mistaking: you were pregnant.
You could hear Taehyung gaming from the bathroom, unaware that your lives were about to change. Unaware that in just under nine months you would welcome your first child. You had been trying for a couple of weeks now – now that you had finally decided to quit your job to raise your kids at home. Not that you had quit yet, you had decided to wait until you were married and pregnant before you did.
It seemed life had chosen for it to come sooner than later.
You blinked the tears away, letting out a small happy laugh. You imagined the child: would they look like Taehyung, with one double lid and a mono lid, or would they have your features? And their hands: their fingers would be so small, almost as tiny as grains of rice.
You couldn’t wait until you could hold those little hands in your own. For the moment, all you could do was land a hand on your lower stomach, stroking it gently. The next few weeks would be uncertain. You knew there was a possibility you would lose the baby, but something about the feeling bubbling in your chest reassured you.
There was a little bit of you and Taehyung, growing inside of you right now.
A happy tear rolled on your cheek and you wiped it with the back of your hand as you heard Taehyung cheer in his gaming room. He was playing Overwatch with Jungkook, and from what you could tell, they had just won a game.
You got up from the toilet seat, where you had anxiously waited for the results of the pregnancy test. It was your third time doing one, but the first time you had ever seen it positive. You clutched it to your chest, following Taehyung’s cheery voice as you made your way to his gaming room.
“We annihilated them”, Taehyung was saying. “Bro, I swear we could start a team.”
There was silence for a while, during which you assumed Jungkook was replying on his side of the call.
“I’m sure Jin-hyung would join.” It took a moment, but Taehyung burst out laughing, and the sound of his laugh brought a whole new grin to your lips.
He came to view, sitting in front of his gaming set-up. The only light in the room was coming from the two screens of his set-up, and he turned his head towards you as you walked into the room. Light flickered on his profile, and his mouth fell open as he noticed your teary-eyed smile.
“Everything okay?” he asked.
You let out a small happy sob.
“JK, I’ll be right back.”
He took off his headset, putting it down next to his keyboard before rolling away from the desk.
“Hey, princess, why are you crying?” he enquired as you remained silent.
You finished crossing the distance between you, handing him the pregnancy test. It took him a moment to connect the dots. But you had never seen anything as beautiful as Taehyung when he realized he was going to be a dad.
“You’re shitting me?” he said, eyes filling with tears.
You started crying again, shaking your head no. “I’m pregnant.”
“You’re pregnant?” His voice broke at the end, right as a blinding boxy grin split his face in half.
You nodded, and Taehyung jumped out of his chair to wrap his arm around you. He laughed and cried, and you held him close as you did the same. You didn’t think it was possible, but your love for him grew tenfold.
You were going to have a child. A little bit of the two of you.
“I can’t believe it”, he choked out through sobs. “We’re going to have a baby.”
You nodded again. “Our first one.”
“We need to get married”, he pointed out, pulling away from your embrace to look at your face.
You reached to dry the happy tears on his cheeks. “Should we get married before we tell the family?”
“I don’t know. Eunjin is going to be so happy”, Taehyung pointed out. “Your parents might be worried since we aren’t married though.”
You looked at him pointedly. “My parents adore you, they won’t give a shit.”
“Do you want to get married right now?” he asked.
“Tonight?”
He let out a small laugh. “Tomorrow, I don’t care.”
“Didn’t we just say we could wait?”
Taehyung picked you up and spun you around once, before letting your feet meet the ground again. “I want to marry you.”
You laughed through the new wave of tears. “We can marry when the baby is born.”
His eyes widened. “We’re going to have a baby”, he repeated, tasting the words carefully on his tongue. “A little boy!”
You furrowed your brows. “Why not a little girl?”
“I want a boy first.”
“I want a girl.”
“You say that just to oppose me.”
He wasn’t wrong, and you shrugged sheepishly, letting out another laugh.
“I fucking love you, you know that?” He pressed a kiss to your lips as if to give emphasis to his words. You kissed him back, but he pulled away after a few seconds. “I need to tell JK.”
“You didn’t mute yourself.”
He hadn’t had time to. You were pretty sure you could hear Jungkook screaming on his side of the Discord call.
“Aish”, Taehyung let out, and you shared a laugh as he moved towards his set-up. He grabbed the headset, putting it over his head. “Shut up, JK, I’m back.”
Taehyung nodded, as if his friend could see him.
“Yes.” He waited for a time, then nodded again. “Let me give the headset to her, I’m pretty sure she can answer herself.”
Taehyung took it off, handing it to you. You cocked an eyebrow in confusion, but still walked towards him, grabbing the headset and putting it on.
“What’s up?” you asked.
“Can I be the godfather?” Jungkook asked – or rather screamed – through his mic.
You winced at how loud Taehyung’s friend was. “Jesus Christ, I’m pretty sure my ears are bleeding now.”
“Can I?” Jungkook asked again, with a little voice that resembled that of a child himself.
“That’s a lot of responsibility”, you pointed out.
There was shuffling on Jungkook’s side, and then his girlfriend started talking. “Y/n, I swear to God if you say no to him I am going to tattoo you in your sleep.”
“You wouldn’t dare”, you said, pouting, but you already had a smile on your lips.
Taehyung and you had decided a while ago who were going to be the godparents. Eunjin and Jungkook. It was the easiest choice you had made about deciding to have a child together.
“Give me Jungkook back”, you told your friend.
She let out an excited yelp. “Hold on.”
It took a few seconds, but then Jungkook’s voice filled your ears again. “So?”
“Yes, you’re going to be the godfather, dumbass.”
Taehyung was smiling lovingly at you. He wrapped his arms around your middle, resting his head on your shoulder. You turned to look at him, offering him a lovesick smile.
“Thank you thank you thank you”, Jungkook kept repeating in his mic. “I promise I’ll be the…“ His words were cut off. “Ouch, that hurt.”
You heard his girlfriend’s iconic laugh and your smile only grew bigger.
You loved these people far too much for your own good.
“But JK?” you said as you listened to him bickering with his girlfriend.
The bickering ended, and he let out an, “Uh?”
“Please don’t tell the others for now. Just in case something happens.”
“I promise”, Jungkook said, voice filled with emotions. “Our lips are sealed.”
You smiled and then took off the headset. You handed it to Taehyung, and he took it with his bright, teary eyes. He put it back on, before sitting in his chair. He and Jungkook chatted for a while, and you sat on Taehyung, resting your head against his chest. You listened to his heartbeat as he ran a hand on your back, the other having found a home on your lower stomach.
As if he’d feel the baby kicking already.
Taehyung’s heartbeat was steady. A rhythm you had grown to know by heart, a melody that accompanied the nights when you couldn’t sleep. Your lips stretched into a smile at the thought that many sleepless nights were to come. But you could take a thousand of them if it meant building a family with Taehyung.
After all, you had always been crazy for him too.
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
So, what do we think? One hell of a journey isn’t it? I hope you enjoyed it <3
Don’t hesitate to leave feedback by following this link! It always helped to keep motivated into writing more!
absolutely amazing banner by the one & only @kth1 <3
Summary: “Love has become a noun again.”
When a work trip brings you back home, you don’t expect for anyone to await your return or remember you. But despite the time apart, Taehyung still does – still looks at you the same way he used to five winters ago.
⋙ pairing: Taehyung x reader
⋙ rating: 18+
⋙ genre: exes to lovers, childhood sweethearts; fluff, angst, smut
⋙ warnings: toxic parents, mentions of bullying, mentions of an accident & a few injuries, crying; my voice kink again, tae is the sweetest freaking person EVER; explicit sexual content: multiple (2) smut scenes (one is shorter), oral (f. & m. receiving), tiddie sucking, dirty talk, teasing, imagine tae’s super deep moans :), fingering, big dick tae implied, squirting, unprotected sex (be careful <3), cockwarming kinda, begging, multiple orgasms; maybe more lmk if i forgot something!
⋙ word count: 24.8k
⋙ a/n: oh god, i wrote this based on a dream ... what, may last year? :’) and it’s finally here now !! sorry for making you guys wait, i hope you like it !! <3
⋙ betas: ahhh so many people who helped me over the course of several months !! @missgeniality for beta’ing this TWICE and for letting me rant and talk her ears off, i’m nothing without you 🥺 @voiceswithoutlips @justasparkwritings @opaljm for beta’ing the first draft so beautifully and @chemicalpink & @chateautae for reading and giving me so many suggestions !! thank you so much - ALL OF YOU HAVE MY HEART <33 !!
➳ listen to the TOBH playlist for the full experience 🤎
MASTERLIST | WIPs
Love doesn’t bloom during frigid winters.
As a full grown adult, this mantra of yours would seem like nonsense to anyone around you; a bizarre mindset resulting from endless heartbreak. Perhaps you’re biased, but to you, it makes perfect sense, a series of experiences – with your parents, your town, Taehyung – leading you to believe that your somewhat pessimistic belief rings true.
But your pessimism has a reason. Your own little story.
You believe that every person, place and day has a certain narrative – happenings that can be gathered into words and morphed into a tale for anyone who’s willing to listen.
Some stories clarify where a certain rumour comes from, while others deal with small, secret flings between two people behind old, dirty bars. In all honesty, your town harbours tales that are just as uninteresting as in other places; but in some way, they’re still endearing to all the inhabitants, a memory of everything that has happened here and everything that makes all of you you.
Your tale begins in just this small town before you embark on the journey you have planned. And it starts off simple: known as the town’s rich little girl, born and raised in a prestigious household, everyone around you is certain that you possess everything you could ever wish for. Guileful statements about your lifestyle pass you regularly, shifting you into the centre of attention in your small community.
She has a beautiful roof over her head; chandeliers to sleep under; expensive, lush bathtubs filled with hot, scented water every night.
And none of those statements are wrong.
Every meal consists of the finest grocery; every birthday celebrated in the biggest hall; and every dress you wear hand-stitched by rich, private stylists whose names you can’t even pronounce. But what appears like the highest form of life can’t compare to the sadness residing inside your chest that settled there long ago and still lingers.
Because seemingly, the notes that inhabit your parents’ heavy pockets are worth more than you. Two hands don’t suffice to count how often you’ve carried the blame for unfortunate situations already. You’re the black sheep of the family, receiving pretentious love from them in public, but behind closed doors, a single mannerless or provoking look can get you in trouble.
You can’t recall why. And at some point in your life, you stopped caring.
And because of this warped and twisted lifestyle, you’re not shocked or affected in the slightest when your classmates pass you one summer day, poking fun at your oh-so-great skirt that screams magnificence ten times louder than their grey, dull clothing.
One hand flattening the fabric, you look to the ground, concentrating on walking and reaching the school as the boys in front of you continue their unwarranted teasing.
The only relief you ever get in this hellscape is when you finally step over the threshold of your classroom, settling on the free seat behind your best friend who flashes the brightest smile every single time he sees you.
“Good morning,” Taehyung greets, turning around and settling his head on his arms that he’s placed onto the top of the wooden chair.
Taehyung.
For you, the only endearing tale in your hometown.
Your friend since kindergarten; your saviour in the cruellest situations; your partner in every lab class. The one who defends you careless of the consequences, that one boy in your life who’ll never stop loving you in one way or another.
And since you’ve grown into tender teenagers now, approaching graduation and surpassing your eighteenth year, the feelings you have for him change and blossom with every smile and lovely word he shoots at you.
“Morning, Tae,” you whisper back as your teacher comes in, clearing her throat until the class silences.
You reckon you’d doze off all too soon, watching the gentle movements of the clouds outside instead – but as soon as Miss Lee tackles the topic of the hierarchy of upper, middle and lower classes and their effects on the community centuries ago, your ears perk up.
You expect it – fully know what’s going to happen. Because it’s the only cue your classmates need to let their gazes wander to you, the sudden malevolence so palpable that you look into your teacher’s eyes, somehow pleading for help without expecting any.
“You should know how these fancy upper class assholes felt, right?” Yana mumbles all the way from her seat in the first row, not even mustering up the decency to whisper, but eliciting mocking giggles that sound from every corner of the room instead.
You let out a heavy sigh, trying hard to control yourself as your fingers tighten around your pencil.
Whatever. It’s just her. She doesn’t deserve your attention.
“You could’ve spared something for us poor workers who actually do something to feed ourselves,” she continues.
You’re used to such remarks – yet, you can’t stop the raging heat from warming your body; can’t avoid the tears that sting in the corners of your eyes as you shrink into yourself.
Yana being herself isn’t enough to keep you at bay anymore, and you need to speak up, defend yourself somehow before she continues. But instead of your voice, it’s your best friend’s – his silky voice laced with venom – that echoes from the walls and silences Yana eventually.
“Says you, who spends an unspeakable amount of money everyday while your parents struggle with taxes? I’m not sure how much anyone should really spare for you.”
Your head shoots up to look at him, his face still turned away from you as he plays with the pen in his hand. No one dares to say anything to him; you’re not sure why he defends you each time, because like this, he subjects himself to the treatment you suffer, too. But he always endures the words thrown at him, always remaining steadfast in your favour.
Perhaps today, he’s decided to be fearless, talking back instead of just taking it.
You like to imagine that he’s not really staring at the writing utensil itself, but glaring at Yana through his light bangs, his eyes intimidating when they need to be despite his endlessly gentle personality.
But no one, including the self proclaimed popular girl of the school, knows how to respond now that Taehyung has stood up for you and barked back, shutting the mouth that enjoys opening just for the sake of it. It might not stop her from latching onto you again tomorrow, the day after, next week or next month – but for the time being, it has to do.
Moments like these are what alter – or enhance – your opinion of him. Whatever has shifted in your relationship has planted the revelation in your mind that he isn’t just a friend anymore – and you aren’t just a kid holding his hand for fun anymore.
Something inside you whispers that he feels the same way; both of you know that he’s your shelter in a storm, protecting you when everything and everyone else contaminates your heart with the familiar, poisonous acid.
And he knows that he does everything in his power to make you happy, although you’ve long stopped being the little defenceless girl.
Because while you never deliberately start an argument and try to back away instead, you can be snarky enough to stand up for yourself. But the fact that you don’t and he still does is proof enough for him that you’ve occupied a place in his heart too dangerous but beautiful nonetheless.
For him, this connection between you two shows infinite affection, a way to hold on, no matter what shatters or explodes around and inside you.
For you, it’s one more reason to run.
Every moment you spend with Taehyung feels like a tale in itself. The beginning lies in a distant past, captured in a picture of the both of you holding hands in the sandbox in your kindergarten yard. It stands framed in your room, reminding you of how you started off each night as you fall asleep.
You’re fond of stories with happy endings - you adore that the characters’ smiles and words indicate a wholesome life, no matter the hurdles they encounter and fight through. While you’re in the middle of your and Taehyung’s story, you know your tale will end miserably, painfully – a love burning out before it can properly begin.
But the day you sit in his room, watching the same stupid movie for the umpteenth time, something deep inside your heart stirs when his fingers brush yours, soon intertwining as he looks at you through the dark blond strands of his hair.
You’ve held this very hand so many times; sunken into his embrace too often to still feel as nervous as you do. Because now, you know where he’s headed – the soft, dark brown eyes glint with the hint that you decipher, the affection written so clearly in them that you falter.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks softly.
His gaze shimmers in anticipation; as if it wasn’t him who initiated the tender touch, his fingers squeezing yours to the point that you grow dizzy.
You look out the window as you rummage through your mind for an answer, watching the snow fall slowly in the darkness that the world has been dipped in. Since your graduation in the summer, you’ve spent way too many days and nights with him, pondering your future and how badly your decision might affect your relationship.
Because while he has already applied to the local college, you’re still empty handed, preparing and planning for something that you’ve been waiting for since you can remember.
He knows about it. But he isn’t ready to let go.
“Thinking about what you’re thinking,” you answer when he tucks a loose hair strand behind your ear, the gesture so gentle that you nearly tear up right there and then.
He doesn’t need to vocalise his thoughts – the way his hand settles on your cheek, his eyes so desperate, so hurt, is a response enough for you to understand. Manifesting every feeling his gaze throws at you, you melt when he presses his lips against yours, the touch so short-lived and fleeting that you wonder if it happened at all.
Pulling back, he nibbles at his lower lip, gauging your reaction and growing nervous with each second you stay dead silent. Mouth still ghosting over yours, his warm breath grazes your skin, his quiet, deep voice pleading, “Don’t hate me for this.”
You let out a small laugh. If there is anyone you can’t hate less but love infinitely more, it’s him – hate is a word so distant from him that he wouldn’t be able to reach it even if he wanted to.
But no expression will ever be able to reveal to him what you feel and how wrong he just is – actions, however, can. Fingers coming up to bury in his hair, you pull him in, lips interlocking again as you relish the softness and eagerness of his mouth – his movements so slow, his tongue meeting yours so carefully.
You know this will sting later; but right now, it’s easy to give in. Both of you are painfully aware of how hard your hearts will shatter after all of this is over; how untold your tale will remain when you part eventually.
It doesn’t take you long until you exchange more sweet, longing touches, falling backward into his mattress and memorising the tiniest moments in which his lips trail your tingling body. His arms pull you in tightly tonight, his soft voice whispering promises he knows he can’t keep; confessions he knows he has to forget soon.
But still…
I’m in love with you.
… they keep tumbling out…
I’ll miss you.
… just like the raw emotions he showers you in.
Please stay.
Over and over again until the pain consumes your body just like his engulfs yours. His warmth burns with the intensity of a thousand suns – and the love he’s felt for you for years escapes through his fingertips all the while until you lay under the blankets, naked and confused.
The problem has never been Taehyung.
It’s the house you dine in. The building you study in. The places you pass, the people you meet. This town is filled with unbearable toxicity that numbs your senses and your heart; the emotional damage sits so deep that you can’t find a better way to heal anymore than leaving it all behind.
When you wake up nestled in his embrace the next morning, your thoughts shift to your parents first.
You know they will scold you the moment you’ll enter your house, raging till they get distracted by something more important than you – but with everything planned, you couldn’t care less. Especially not in the comforting warmth of his arms, staring back into his starry eyes that still hope you’ll change your mind.
"Listen…" he starts, whispering your name, the ache so audible in his voice that you have to swallow the thick knot in your throat. "Is finding an apartment here so bad? Can you not do that?"
He knows you can’t and he knows why; but the images of last night flood him with this teeny tiny spark of hope that he knows he should stop holding onto. You’re not staying; not even for him.
"I need to get this town out of my system, Tae. I can't do it anymore."
Your hand runs along his bicep and his shoulder, trying to internalise the feeling of his touch before you lose it.
"But I'm here–"
"I can't.”
“Why not?! No, fuck this, I’m not letting you go, so why–”
“Because I just can’t!” you spit out, his body flinching for just a moment, “I need to get away from my family. This stupid school.” Your voice drops to a low whisper. “And from you, too.”
The shock twists his expression, lips parting achingly as he processes your words.
“I love you. And I can’t afford to love you harder… because I won’t be able to make you happy if I’m not happy. I gotta go before I can hurt you more. Or myself," you explain, watching intently as his eyelids close further and further until they’re shut entirely, reiterating your words – no… your goodbye.
Imagining the moment you leave after your last days of togetherness is dreadful to him. He predicts with a harrowing certainty that he’ll count every step you’ll take when you’ll walk away; away from him, towards a better future.
He imagines how he’ll beg for you to stay just a little bit longer – for some more minutes, just a few more seconds before you leave him standing in an unlit world while he tries to hold onto the sparkle you brought into his life so desperately.
But he knows it’s in vain; like watching a shooting star descend farther and farther away from the moon, no matter how desperately the latter pleads to stay to keep the glow.
Whatever is to come is going to still his heartbeat and freeze time; he knows – and still, he laughs.
His arms pull you into his bare chest, and you breathe in the scent of his skin. Comforting, so comforting that you feel drowsiness fog your thoughts again, ready to fall asleep right above his heart.
"I’ll really miss you. Promise to visit though, okay?"
I promise.
But despite your vow and tears, you won’t be seeing his face for many years to come.
5 Winters Later
"So, you've been away all those years?"
You straighten your back in an effort to get rid of the pain. Flights and bus rides fill you with unspoken hate, a misery you always endure when you fly around for work or company vacations.
The fact that the over-enthusiastic teenager next to you can’t stop pestering you with questions the whole way to town doesn’t help with the discomfort you’ve been feeling for the past twelve hours.
"Yeah. Yeah, I have been," you answer with a quiet sigh, at least trying to indicate that you’re too exhausted to talk. Which doesn’t mean he gets the clue, of course.
It’s only when you reach your stop that you exhale in relief, the kid approaching a different part of the town after wasting your time with anecdotes about this place. You know them all by heart, even after all this time.
And as it seems, you still know every patch of ground you step onto too, memorised and burned into your brain for eternity. Because the road you find yourself on, the alleys covered in snow, carry your feet intuitively, the house you’d lived in for eighteen years bringing back a sting so intense that you halt for a moment.
Initially, you’re just here for work, embarking on a mission to restore the local museum and solve other management issues that have been assigned to you. As the staff of one of the biggest museum restoration companies, you could’ve gone to various places that had been printed onto the list; but somehow, you’d raised your hand for this town as soon as you’d read the name.
Whatever magic has pulled you back again after half a decade, you’re curious about it, eager to find out what good and bad this several-week-long trip can bring.
And why you’re here, standing in front of the mansion you recognise so well, is another riddle you want to solve – maybe you expect to come to terms with your family. Maybe they’ve changed enough to be proud of you, to finally acknowledge your talents and skills as well.
Did they ever think of you?
Taking unsure steps forward, you look left and right at the empty street, the silence in the neighbourhood so loud this Sunday afternoon that you wonder if anyone’s home at all. Still, you ring the bell.
For a few moments, nothing happens – which is alright; you know that the trip from the first floor or even the kitchen to the door is a long one.
You let out a small laugh.
With enough money in your pockets, not even you have bought such a prestigious home in the city you currently live in.
Ready to be greeted by a potentially new face, you straighten your back, a smile plastering your face as you wait – but what you don’t expect is for your eyes to be met with none other than your own mother.
The pain that comes rushing back as you stare into her now wrinkled face – her hairline grey and eyes hazy – draws out a nearly silent whimper that she fails to hear. With all the hate you harbour for this town and your family, you didn’t think it’d affect you this bad.
“You…” she begins, eyes blowing wide in wonder and mouth falling open as though she’s certain that she’s trapped in some sick, unrealistic dream. “You’re… here?”
“I’m here, Mom.”
Your voice remains steady, the trembling from a second ago vanishing when you see her defeated face.
“You were gone so long.”
And without waiting for an answer, she pulls you into her chest, wrapping her arms surprisingly tight around you before she backs away, gesturing for you to come in eagerly.
Strange.
You can’t remember hugs from her side – even your birthdays passed uneventfully, and a few uninterested congratulatory words were all they’d ever granted you.
The house still looks as it did five years ago – the same ornaments adorn the walls, the familiar chandelier dangling from the ceiling, the furniture still the unchanged expensive wood and the couch the fancy leather that you used to read books on.
Memories flash in front of your eyes the way they do in movies: the younger and more naive part of your existence strolling through the hall and getting ready for school in the early morning.
You, at the edge of the couch, reading a novel that you’d buy the evening before and finish the one after. Your excited form grinning under the Christmas tree near the chimney and waiting for your presents, only to receive something that was utterly useless for someone your age.
“Do you want tea? Coffee?”
Your mother’s voice shakes you awake, your glassy eyes averting the room and settling on hers. You throw a gentle smile at her, trying to make sure that she sees and understands the sadness behind it as you answer, “I was never really a fan of caffeine. But thanks, Mom.”
Her lips turn downwards, eyelids fluttering before she gestures to the couch, urging you to sit. And when you do, you realise that you’re looking at her for the first time. Actually looking at her for the first time, noticing the nervous fumbling of her fingers and the tongue running along the inside of her cheek.
“How have you been all this time? We didn’t talk for ages,” she states, her voice dipped in a strange mirth.
You assume that the sole reason she’s being this friendly has to do with your unfaltering success; a thriving manager at a company that’s soon about to grow even bigger. You’ve studied for years to get the degree, struggled in the big city one too many times without ever asking for help – and now, you’re here.
Maybe not as filthy rich as your family is, but still with a wallet heavy enough to last you for months, even without a job.
“I’ve been well,” you answer, tilting your head in amusement as she looks at you in a way she’d never done when you were younger, “what about you? Where’s Dad?”
“He went out for a bit. But he might be back soon.”
You nod slowly, awkwardness hanging in the suffocating, luxurious air until she remarks, “You look different. So much older.”
You scoff mentally. Of course you’ve changed – five years have passed.
“You do, too. But your hair’s still coloured red.”
A small, airy laugh accompanies your words as you remember the way she’d always dyed her hair regularly and then proceeded to complain about dry, dead ends.
“Mhm,” she mumbles, nodding along with you until her eyes widen, half sitting up. “Oh! We have cake. Do you want some? It's a chocolate cake with a strawberry filling, I bet you’d love it.”
“No.” Your answer comes immediately but calmly, and at your sudden decline, she falls into the soft chair again. “I’m not staying long. I just wanted to see how you’re doing.”
“Not staying long? Are you going back?”
“In a few weeks, yeah. Don’t worry, I’ve booked a hotel and will be no–”
“Hotel?” She furrows her eyebrows, a slight smirk that you remember from old days creeping up her face before she scoffs. “You know there are numerous rooms in this house.”
It’s peculiar for you.
Peculiar that she expects you to make yourself at home in the very house she and your father drove you away from. You’re sure that they know; absolutely sure she’s only waiting for you to address it.
“I won’t stay here,” is all you declare instead, your childhood fear of her long vanished as confidence takes its place. “I’m sorry.”
“Why’s that?”
You roll your eyes. You’d promised yourself to stay calm, collected, peaceful; but it’s hard when she asks rhetorical questions like these – because you know that she isn’t as oblivious as she acts.
“I can’t stay in this house.”
Reacting to your words with another mocking huff, her lips jutting, you watch her expression transform into a mischievous smile again. The one that she’d always used on you to count the flaws on her neverending list.
And then, she says it.
“You come home after so many years and immediately feel like you’re better than everyone else.”
You laugh quietly, tilting your head for a moment before you state an octave lower, “Same old, same old.”
“What are you here for?” she asks, the nervosity from earlier dissolving with each word, her tone becoming venomous.
“Believe it or not, Mom,” you start, leaning forward, “I’m here for my job and thought I’d check on you.”
Where has all the shyness gone now? You wonder if she's always been this biased – shamelessly bashing those she deems useless and respectfully praising those who bring enough money home.
“I’m glad you’re doing so well in life. But I also want to remind you that it’s easy to build what you have. There’s no reason to bring in any arrogance or superiority complex,” she lectures, ignoring your last argument, her voice calmer again as she leans back.
“I won’t let you convince me my hard work was for nothing. And it’s just–” you pause, squinting your eyes and clicking your tongue before you look at her, “–a good thing I didn’t build it all to please you or get your validation. Otherwise, your statement might’ve hurt more.”
Since you’ve learned to deal with bigger evils, you’ve gotten used to unnecessary comments that try to pull you down deliberately – your mother is the lesser and weaker demon in your life.
Still, your demeanour changes, your calmness falling when you finally let out the words you kept in. After all those decades, this is something she needs to hear, even if it comes way too late.
“You ruined my childhood and me. You’ve created an unbearable wound that I’ve tried to heal for so long. I don’t understand your audacity to be angry at me for not wanting to stay in this hellhole.”
You’re proud that your voice doesn’t slip into a hysteric or even frustrated tone; because not only would tears trigger a giant ego boost for her, they would make you hate yourself later, too.
The coolness you portray while uttering your lethal words affects her in the exact opposite way: her expression changes, her hands clenching into fists and eyes burning up.
Regret consumes your body, and you question why you ever allowed yourself to miss them, even for a brief moment. Why you cared, worried, loved, longed. Yes, they’re your parents and yes, you’re bound to be attached to them – but now, you feel pathetic for ever giving them thoughts that they never returned.
Before she can collect herself and respond to you, the doorbell rings, one of the staff rushing to open it as if they'd been expecting the interruption.
“That’s my cue,” you tell her, standing again after not even five minutes.
You’re truly baffled. You had bet with yourself in advance, contemplating how long it would take for you to finally snap and step out again, leaving the marble floor behind and approaching your next destination instead.
Not even five minutes.
Not what you’d expected.
You think you register her suddenly timid voice call for you, telling you to stay for a moment longer; perhaps she’s asking a question you don’t have the answer to. You’re not sure; you don’t care.
Instead, you step closer to the exit, smiling at the familiar face from your childhood and teenage years – her features are striking, clear-cut and still beautiful. You didn’t expect to run into your cousin, one that you couldn’t hate, no matter how much she used to butter up to your parents.
“Rin?” you ask, closing your arms around her as she welcomes you in her embrace with just as much enthusiasm, a little squeal leaving her lips before you see someone stroll behind her.
You know it’s her son. When you left, he was still a toddler, a sweet little child who’d ask you for candies all the time and climb into your lap to stare at the book he couldn’t read.
He can’t remember you, you’re sure. The way he grimaces, trying hard to figure out who you are is proof enough for that – but that’s fine for you.
Despite having a somewhat friendly bond with your cousin, you aren’t really intending to extend this relationship. You know what you’re here for, and after the deed is done, you’ll leave again, erasing your existence from this town without looking back.
“God, how long has it been?!” she asks, her voice still high pitched and happy; the bubbly woman through and through even today.
“Too long.” Not long enough. “And we should definitely catch up sometime!” You know you won’t. “But for now I should go and get some work done.”
Maybe she’ll understand. Not blind to people’s feelings as your parents are, Rin has a way with words, cheering you up when you feel low. You haven’t met her often enough to build a lasting bond with her, though.
As she nods, you approach the door, ruffling her son’s – your nephew’s – hair in affection before he scrunches his nose at you. But then, he laughs; a loud, sweet cackle as he suggests, “You have to try our ice cream, it’s the best!”
When you smile again, it reaches your eyes, and your hand pushes down the door handle as you tell him that yes – you know.
The cold air of the evening blows relentlessly today.
You know the winter here used to be freezing; you’d always wrapped yourself in thick wool scarves and hidden your hair and ears under warm hoods. With the hood missing today, your face lacks the warmth it so deeply desires, your skin turning to cold glass in the frosty air.
But despite the unbearable chill, you decide to walk the short distance to your hotel – whether you’re doing this to get some more movement in, or to answer the nostalgia knocking at your door, you aren’t sure. All you know is that the tears in your eyes bring in warmth to your body that’s closer to discomfort than to a pleasant heat.
The familiar roads leave a bittersweet taste on your tongue with each foot forward. You’re sure that the trees are the same as five years ago, ever-growing and ever-so-pretty, no matter whether they’re covered in snow or blooming in dainty hues of green.
Maybe it’s your delusional brain, but you wouldn’t be surprised if even the dust floating through the air and lying on the cleared paths was the same as back then.
Walking through the park you visited on a daily basis, more memories flood your mind before you can set up a barrier; you see yourself running late to school, your skirt floating up and down shamelessly. On your left, you detect your younger self walking around the place, talking to the only friends you had, exchanging secrets and opinions on topics that have long stopped mattering now.
But what has you biting your lip and flinching the hardest is the fleeting, transparent picture of you and Taehyung sitting on the bench that you now pass, his arm wrapped around your shoulder tightly as he kisses your hair. It’s not a friendly day to think back to; an echo of a day shortly before you left.
Another goodbye. All the days between your confession and your departure had been goodbyes.
Taehyung.
You wonder how he’s doing – wonder whether he’s still here or not. Contemplate how possible it might be to meet him here in the following days if he has decided to stay.
But maybe it’s better to not cross paths with the man you once called the love of your life; who’s never stopped consuming your thoughts even after all these years.
With the first days spent in your empty hotel room, relaxing and getting used to the town and its air again, you decide to step out and explore the new sides of your home eventually.
You’re pleasantly surprised when you find that your cousin’s son had been right: the ice cream in the mall still remains the most delicious, scrumptious thing your tongue has ever touched.
After staring at the same beige walls of your room, this outing feels refreshing. You walk to various places, see new faces that you don’t recognise, delighted to see how the town feels livelier than before.
Yet, you catch yourself looking for one specific face more than just once; but when it never surfaces, you give up, strolling through the parks and streets in search of nothing but serenity.
But as it seems, it’s easier to find things when you aren't looking for them.
A thought that proves to be true when you reach the park with your bench again.
Because surprisingly… unexpectedly – he is sitting right there, on his side of the bench; almost as if he’s waiting for you. His head is lowered as his phone illuminates his face, and his fingers flutter over the keyboard swiftly.
He is here.
Right in front of you.
Quiet, breathing, healthy; luring you in like a candle seduces a moth. Just two steps forward and he’ll detect you. Recognise you, call out for you, still your shaky breath.
But whatever doubts bring back the intense flush of emotions, you don’t step closer the way you’ve imagined multiple times in the past few days. Instead, you turn at your heel, fixing your gaze on the building on the other side of the road as you distance yourself from him.
He is here.
Unlike you, he never left town. You wonder why. You want to know why he’s sitting here; lost in his phone in this merciless cold, snow falling as gently as it had the first night he’d pressed his lips against yours.
The rest of the detour to your hotel passes in a blur, tears fogging your vision increasingly until you close the door behind you and draw a sharp breath to calm the chaos in your heart. Because no matter how much you’d missed him, his presence is too much to bear, the reality of the situation slowly sinking in as you realise–
Taehyung is still here.
In some way, the universe has cruel ways to bring you back to old habits and people. Sometimes, it’s easier to give in before you walk around the entire globe, only to land at the same spot yet again, to meet the same face again.
Because while you only intended to finally visit the museum for work, taking notes of everything that is yet to be managed and restored, you most certainly didn’t expect to fall into the hands of the guide who, strangely enough, walks around in the same body and with the same face as your ex-boyfriend.
You blink away your disbelief when you halt in front of him, the thought of fleeing too ridiculous now that he’s detected you. He stands only an arm’s length away from you – you could reach out and hug him right here, right now; but instead, you choose to look for the slightest hint of hostility hiding in his tender eyes.
But there’s nothing.
No anger, no resentment.
Only shock and a sliver of desperation that looks so much more intense now that he’s aged. With the way his bone structure has changed, his jaw sharpened and his dark hair grown out, he looks infinitely more mature – still the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen; still like someone you could love.
“Hey,” he greets, whispering your name as people pass by, the painting you’ve laid eyes on long forgotten as he steps closer, hands clutching a wine red clipboard.
“Taehyung,” you greet back.
The discomfort in the atmosphere is torturous, both of you staring at each other in question, almost as if pleading to say or do something to kill the silence.
“So I wasn’t dreaming when I thought I saw you yesterday.”
I saw you yesterday.
Your heart sinks.
If you’d known that he registered you standing there you wouldn’t have ran away. But he saw you, so close to him… and still watched you turn around and expand the distance to him. But if he’s thinking anything about it, he doesn’t address it.
Instead, he says, “I didn’t know you were in town.”
You let out a small laugh, hands burying in the back pockets of your jeans, “I don’t think anyone knows.”
Despite the strange buzzing in the atmosphere between you, his presence brings a kind of peace and melancholy that you can’t quite pinpoint. Seeing him standing here, looking at you with something akin to pain, shock and yearning all at once, makes you want to stay for a while.
“How…” he starts, but then he sighs, clearing his throat before he continues, “How are you?”
You’re not sure. The past years passed slowly yet fast, a steady rhythm building in your life that you’ve long gotten used to. While it’s easy to go through your days without major struggles, this is a question you find hard to answer. Because how are you doing?
“I’m okay.” You look into his deep dark brown eyes, the warmth that you used to love still so prominent in them that you have to pull yourself together to not get lost in them. “And you?”
Taehyung nods slowly, loose dark curls falling into his eyes, “Hangin’ in there.”
For a second, you grow quiet; the only sounds filling the silence are the chatter of the busy guests and your unsteady breathing. Then, he licks his lips in his old fashion, asking, “I think the last update I got about you was that you went to business school, right?”
The last update – most likely when you’d still used social media and posted pictures of your oh-so-glorious life in the big, bustling city. You hum before you answer, “Yeah, I did. I’m actually a manager of a company now.”
His eyebrows shoot up, his head nodding and his eyes proud and surprised; his fluffy hair bounces with his movements. “And here I was thinking you’d become a big poetess or something.”
You chuckle at his statement, feeling a little more at ease when he joins; you’re baffled that he can still remember your childhood dream. But in his mind, the memory is clear and fresh, the pictures too endearing to forget.
Back in high school, you always used to scribble poetry and small drawings of flowers into your notebook, words that he read and adored, pulling him deeper into love, but pushing him further from sanity. He liked the craze you brought; liked falling for you until it hurt.
“What about you, Tae? Tour guide?” you ask as you point a gloved finger to his clipboard, the intense cold outside making you forget to take the extra clothing off. But maybe, it’s just him who’s distracted you so effectively.
Lips pressed together, he nods. Tae. Hearing his nickname in your voice had always been his favourite sound growing up; he never thought he’d hear it again. Your lips curl into a smile, your head tilted as you inquire, “Not photography?”
“You remember?”
His words mirror your thoughts of a moment ago, something about his boxy grin setting your heart on seething, blue fire like nothing has for a long time now.
“Of course I do.”
His grin transforms into a sad smile as he rethinks his past dreams, realising once again that he’s somewhere he likes to be, but didn’t aspire to be. “I have a camera. I take pictures whenever I can, but I’m not actively making any money with it.”
You exchange some more words, some more oh-now-you’re-here and but-didn’t-you-want-to questions thrown between you that remind you of how well you used to know each other. But now, since you’ve grown up and moved on from former beliefs and dreams, nothing of the familiarity is left, your lives too different, too separated from back then.
And yet, he halts when your conversation and his break come to the feared end, his fingertips removing some strands of hair from his forehead before he asks, “Do you want to get some lunch tomorrow?”
You know there’s some work you need to do; some stacks of paper are still sprawled over your hotel room desk, documents you urgently have to get to. But still, you give in as fast as you expected, going even further as you suggest, “I’m free today, too… Depends on your schedule.”
But he shakes his head, your stomach sinking. “I work late and have to go to a family dinner afterwards. But I’m free tomorrow after noon.”
You wonder if you’ll regret this later. Rethink your choices and rot in your room, stand him up – you are an overthinker like that.
But it’s Taehyung.
Your Taehyung.
You know you can’t escape him even if you wanted to.
And so, you agree.
The rest of the day passes so slowly that you consider going to bed and waking up as close to tomorrow noon as possible. Your stomach churns and twists without giving you a break, stealing your hunger and thirst until you decide to distract yourself and drown in work instead.
Which proves to be utterly pointless.
Even after rereading paragraphs a dozen times, the words written on your screen lose their meaning entirely. Some of them register in your mind until your thoughts drift off, the rest of the sentence long forgotten and replaced by Taehyung’s matured face – his name seems like the only term that doesn’t lack meaning.
It isn’t until you’re standing in front of the small café – peeking in through the glass windows to where he sits, fingers flicking across his phone’s screen – that you calm down. He’s sporting a brown coat with a white turtleneck sweater, his hair hiding half his eyes again.
It’s an aesthetic that you long began connecting to him, even when you’d been young and in love. A look that’s undoubtedly Taehyung, haunting you in the big city where he’d been everywhere you’d looked for years.
You draw a deep, trembling breath, entering with a chime of the door bells before he lifts his head. Stuffing the phone in the pocket of his jeans, he smiles and waves at you, the same small crinkles in the corner of his eyes lifting you off your feet; having you soaring above clouds.
“Hey,” he greets gently, his voice so deep, so sweet, “I ordered for you already. Is that okay?”
You nod as you take off your jacket and drape it over your chair. Pulling off your gloves, you place them on your lap, hands rubbing to warm up under the table as you grin at him. “Cosy place. It used to be something else, right?”
“It was a bookstore, I think. I bought you a novella from here once.”
You remember.
It was a light read, something about star-crossed lovers who find eternal love in death, stuck in one place that they don’t mind spending together as long as they never part. You’re sure it still stands somewhere in your bookshelf back at home in your city.
“Oh, that one,” you utter.
You bite your lower lip. The memory of Taehyung handing you the book when you’d felt particularly down used to be one of the freshest and clearest when you’d moved into your new apartment. The memory didn’t fade into a light grey until you stopped brushing your fingertips against the spine of the novella, letting it collect dust and your eyes rush over it.
But now that you think of it again, it aches just as much as it did at your departure.
Taehyung hasn’t stuffed the memory into a corner, though.
His expression reveals just how proud he still is of his little purchase. Back then, he’d praised himself, patted his own shoulders for cheering you up this fast. Your excitement and affection for him occupied most of his thoughts for the rest of the day.
“That one.” When he smiles, his cheeks resemble freshly baked, warm buns, and you control the twitching of your fingers to not reach out and squeeze his skin. “So…”
“So…”
You cock an eyebrow, watching him place his elbows on the table before resting his chin in his palms.
“You’re a manager now, huh? What is it that you do? How’s city life? Must be so loud. And how many coffees a day do you drink? Did you-”
“Taehyung,” you interrupt, laughing at the growing series of questions, “calm down.”
And you tell him everything he wants to know – explain what you do, why you’re here. Describe how living in a city meant noisiness, expensive taxi rides, dirty alleys and endless dreams and hopes. How everyone shares the same endless dreams and hopes and attempts to climb the ladder of success – and how working hard is worth it all in the end eventually.
You don’t drink any coffee, you admit – and his chest relaxes immediately, his finger pointing at you with squinted eyes before he says, “Ah. Still no caffeine. Spoiler alert then. I ordered hot chocolate for you.”
Some things stay the same, you assume – and that he still knows all these things hurts. A bitter feeling deep in your chest that shouldn’t ache; it’s a harmless statement. But still, it does.
With every smile he gives you, however, he soothes the pain, everything leaving his lips so endearing and enchanting to you; even if it’s the most mundane information, the most casual aspect of his life.
The enthusiasm in his voice never falters as he watches you intently, looking at the same girl he’d loved. You’re the same, except you’re not – changed, yet not even a bit.
Words can’t describe what you ignite in him, and he’s sure the spark would morph into something much bigger, would you not finally lift your hand from under the table when your order arrives.
Because while he knows that you’re not his anymore, long gone and living a life he isn’t part of, the shiny, little ring on your finger shatters every piece of hope and happiness you brought back with your presence.
Now, there’s a you-shaped hole carved in his heart, knocking the air out of his lungs and dropping his mind into an abyss as you reach for the drink in front of you in slow motion.
It’s an engagement ring – no doubt about it.
The big diamond that adorns your finger is nothing short of luxurious, probably acquired by someone who loves you the way Taehyung will never be allowed to, giving you what he’ll never be able to give to you.
“Are you…” The words are stuck in his throat, but you look up. Noticing his gaze on your hand, you stare down again, gulping as you realise that – right, that’s still here. But he collects himself quickly, his voice steady and smile reappearing as he tries again, “You’re engaged?”
Suddenly, the hot chocolate isn’t all that sweet and the atmosphere of the room that pleasant anymore. “I... yeah. Yeah, I’m engaged.”
Taehyung chuckles lightly before he brings his cup to his lips, nodding slowly, “Lucky man then. I’m happy for you.”
That’s what he says.
But no matter how congratulatory his words sound and how much he pretends to be alright with the change in your life, it couldn’t be farther from the truth.
You on the other side of the table are confused. His eyes look hollow, nearly empty, but his lips are still turned upwards – and suddenly, you’re stuck somewhere in between wanting to apologise versus wanting to thank him for his words.
In the end, you do neither.
Perhaps, he thinks, he shouldn’t see you again. Perhaps it’s best to stay away and finally forget, move on and accept that you’re happy without him.
And yet, he can’t help but give in when you ask him if he would want to meet you again, remind you of the best spots of the town; at least as long as you’re still here. Only for a walk, you suggest, anytime he’s free – because he’s the only one you contacted, and frankly the only one you want to see.
And despite accepting your invitation, Taehyung deems himself pathetic for feeling so weak for you. Nearly as if everything he used to feel for you came crashing back the moment he saw you again.
As if it never left.
Because somewhere inside, he knows that all this time, he’d waited for you.
As days pass, you begin meeting up more often. The prospect of seeing him motivates you to finish your work for a day each time – and soon enough, you find yourself basking in his temporary company again.
You go for walks. Treat each other to dinner. Watch horrible movies in the cinema. The way you used to – everything reminds you of old days, but nothing feels familiar.
At least the awkwardness fades. Every time you see one another, things begin to normalise; whatever feelings you shared in your younger years start to bloom again – something that takes a toll on you very soon.
And yet, staying away proves to be a challenge too hard to face, every word he utters music to your ears and every brush of his shoulder against yours sending a shiver down your spine; like you’re teenagers again.
The cold evening air hits you cruelly as you saunter through the cherry blossom park that’s now devoid of the flower, noses buried in your scarves.
“You wouldn’t know of course, but two years after graduation, Sora got pregnant with the bartender’s child from Sixth Street. They even got married, but separated soon.”
Sora. Stories like these make you feel your absence in this town the most. You know nothing of it is relevant to your life, but it’s somehow still a pity that you weren’t here to witness all the drama that occurred as time passed.
“Is she alright now?” you ask, detecting a bench in a small winter garden, relatively snow-free. As you sit down, a shiver buzzes through your body, the freezing bench not helping with the coldness you’re already feeling. Even Taehyung’s nose glows red by now.
He laughs when your body shakes, shifting closer to provide any warmth he can. “She’s good. Her son is super adorable and asks me tons of questions about my clipboard when she comes to look at the exhibitions.”
“That does sound really sweet.”
“I know you weren’t one to be fond of children, but you’ll see – as soon as you’re married and have your own, you’ll be smitten. If you want them, that is.”
He says it so casually, smoothly, the tone of his voice never faltering as he talks about your future kids who won’t be his.
For a few seconds, you stare to the ground, concentrating on warming up and soon realising that sitting around is worse than walking, the winter still reaching your bones as you craft your next words carefully.
“My fiancé, he…” There has to be a way to tell Taehyung about it all without sounding insane. Then again, business is insane. “He and I aren’t getting married out of love. In reality, he couldn’t care less. I know he sleeps around.”
Taehyung’s brows furrow, mouth opening wide in shock and obscenities leaving his lips until you silence him with a hand on his shoulder.
“No, it’s not… cheating or anything of that sort. His company and mine are business partners and for reasons that are too overly complicated for me to explain in one sitting, we need to seal this deal by getting married. He made it clear that we’d be able to divorce a few years after and that’s more than okay for me.”
You pause, watching his expressions change, allowing him to process what you just told him. You try to convince yourself that the spark behind his eyes has nothing to do with your confession as you add, “It’s a publicity stunt. Nothing more. His company isn’t getting enough attention, and with us, he’d have enough pages in the press.”
The initial reason for not telling Taehyung about this was sheer fear.
Fear that if you confessed now, revealed what the ring really meant, you might falter and give in to him again – allow him access to your heart again. But you feel like he deserves to know; Taehyung is too kind, too trusting to not hear the whole secret behind your faux engagement.
Perhaps you’re being selfish, too, hoping that Taehyung can somehow pull you out of your misery. But then again, you know that this is something you have to do; something your companies have worked towards for too long to discard now.
“So you don’t love him?” he finally asks, breaking the silence as soon as his brain has decoded and understood your words.
This is dangerous information to him.
Would it have been better if you’d stayed quiet? If you’d locked the secret in a dark chamber and left without uttering a single word to him? Because Taehyung feels trapped – caged in the love-version of Schroedinger’s cat, somehow still considering you his and yet never his at the same time.
You shake your head; so, so close to telling him who your heart actually belongs to. Who it has always belonged to, no matter how many people come and go, how many miles split you apart and how many years pass.
He’s been the only hope and anchor in your life, even from afar, and you’d be damned if you didn’t return everything with further affection and gratitude towards him.
“I don’t think I could ever love him.”
Taehyung wants to know if you’ve loved anyone at all since you both parted. He wonders if anyone made you feel the way he did, wonders how often you thought back to your love and touches and words and gazes. He’s curious about how often you regretted leaving him.
Or if you did at all.
But as you sit there, staring at the little squirrel nibbling at something in the snow, he remains silent. There’s no point in asking and no reason for hoping, if you’re going to leave him.
Yet again.
“Okay, a different question now.”
Your feet, buried in the softest socks you own, rest on the dashboard of his car, your head bopping along with the music as you watch the trees fly by.
Taehyung decided to drive to the highest hill of your town tonight.
Compared to all the mountains you’ve travelled to, it’s tiny, but beautiful nevertheless. Back in high school you’d come here with him every now and then, parking where the view was the greatest and talking until you were too tired to stay awake any longer.
You’d fall asleep in the passenger’s seat, and he’d wake you with a gentle brush of his fingers against your cheek when he stopped in front of your house.
The last time you drove up here had been one of the few fleeting days you’d spent as a couple, sitting backseat and making out for hours until you’d spilled enough tears to feel numb afterwards.
You wonder why he’s chosen this destination again after all the heartbreak and memories connected to this place. And then, you wonder why you have no issues with it at all.
“What question?” you ask, eyes fixated on his large hands gripping the steering wheel.
“Put your feet down first,” he scolds, tapping your knees with a raise of his eyebrow, “a sudden brake could break your bones, dumbass.”
“Yeah, yeah,” you mumble as your feet fall and slip into your shoes again. The déjà vu reminds you that he used to tell you the same thing years ago, too. Familiarity isn’t always absent between the two of you. “What’s your question?”
“Yes, so. We spend so much time together. And I have an irregular schedule, but when do you work?”
You look at him in a playfully offended manner, scoffing and slapping his arm lightly before you explain, “Excuse me, I work when you work. It’s not like I just sit around in my hotel room and look at the ceiling till we can finally meet again.”
“Ouch,” he jokes, shaking his head in fake shock, “I don’t understand why you’re staying in a hotel anyway. I told you I can give you my bed and sleep on the couch.”
Bad idea.
It’s been a terrible suggestion since the first time he mentioned it – because you lack control around him, and you know you’d do something utterly stupid if you accepted his offer to crash at his place.
“It’s fine. I don’t want to bother you, and the hotel is pretty nice.”
“So you’re saying my apartment isn’t?” Taehyung giggles as his car turns in a sharp curve, your legs moving with the motion as you roll your eyes at him with a shake of your head.
“No, you idiot. I don’t even know what it looks like.”
Bickering your way through the forest, you eventually still when the view starts to clear, trees disappearing and giving way to the lights of the town. Stars twinkle above you, the moon nearly full as the car comes to a halt. Your mouth doesn’t close until the motor has died and Taehyung has shifted to look at you.
“I’d almost forgotten how pretty this place is,” you tell him, zipping up your boots before you step out.
Taehyung follows a few seconds later, the camera he told you about firm in his grip as he fiddles with the buttons and lens. He claims he wants to capture the beauty of the hill and the view the height provides; and motivated as ever, he starts right away, testing his device with soft, mechanic clicking noises.
“Can your camera take good pictures of the moon?” you ask, hugging your body as you inch closer to peek at the screen.
On demand, he points the lens to the sky and clicks once, showing you the result of the half moon glowing not above you, but in his hand, too. It’s clear, beautiful, picturesque, even the stars beaming and becoming more visible the more he zooms in.
“Why are you asking?”
You shrug, leaning against the hood next to him as you say, “It’s just– the moon is such a tiny spot when I try to take photos of it with my phone… I hate that. Beauty needs to be captured, right? And it just hits different when you take a photo of it yourself instead of googling wallpapers on the internet.”
Taehyung’s gaze wanders to your face slowly, full pink-tinted lips parting at the sight of you.
Yes – you’re right. Everything pretty deserves to be looked at, precious throughout, inside and out. And while nature lives and breathes undoubtedly astoundingly, you’re downright blinding to him.
Suddenly moving sideways, he faces the camera towards you, starting to eternalise pictures of you instead of the sky, fields and the city stretching in front of and around you. He’s sure he could create a moving picture of those he just took.
You only realise slowly what he’s doing and turn to face him in shock, your open mouth morphing into a smile until you give in.
Through your playful tussle, your bodies drift closer until they press into an almost-embrace. Albeit warm, his chest grazing your back makes your skin tingle more than the cold of the winter, and you attempt your best to not let his effect on you show as you begin posing for him.
Your ethereal face glows, your hair flowing in the wind as the starry night sparkles behind you; the sideway smile you shoot at him grows excruciatingly; your hand stretches to snatch the camera from him, despite his whiny protests. And at last, one contorted selfie as you both grimace into the lens, eyes closed and tongues sticking out between your lips.
The pleasant feelings flooding your bodies warm you long enough until they can’t, the air on the hill sneaking up again before you decide to settle in the backseat of his car. Leaning back against the cosy material and the music still quietly playing in the background, you stargaze in silence, trying to find as many constellations as you can.
And then, a conversation starts, casual and comfortable; by now you’ve gotten used to his stories and soft words, fun anecdotes making you laugh as you feel tiredness wash over you.
“You used to bring me here, ‘cos I loved this place so much, right? I know you weren’t all that fond of driving all the way up here back then,” you say, your fingertips tapping your thigh lightly to the rhythm of the music. “You sure did a lot for me.”
He would still do a lot for you.
But he doesn’t say it. Lets you reminisce about the old days before he answers, “You were there for me a lot, too.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” He doesn’t look at you just yet, but keeps staring at the darkness stretching in the sky, arms folded in front of his chest. “Remember when I broke Yana’s wood piece in art class, ‘cos she wouldn’t stop being rude to a classmate? You took the blame for it.”
You smile, fondness flooding your heart not for the memories of your school days, but for the drama that unfolded that day. At least you can look back at it with a giggle now.
“I remember. But it didn’t really work, ‘cos your stubborn ass–”
“Okay, yeah, but… you tried. And that meant a ton to me.” He pauses and lets his arms fall, hands rubbing against his jeans before he hums and adds, “And then when you stayed up all night with me when I lost my Nintendo DS.”
“You still think about that? We were like what, eleven?”
You laugh quietly, the picture of his pout still engraved in your mind. Back then, when your life had consisted of tiny struggles and childish fears, you hadn’t thought much about what might happen tomorrow.
Your focus belonged to his crying form, telling him over and over again that his parents would forgive him, that you’d save money for him, that he wasn’t alone in his sadness. It was just a stupid DS. Get yourself together, Tae.
You wish you could tell yourself the same thing now.
“Yeah, eleven, I guess. You were literally falling asleep right in front of me, but still powered through somehow. You actually stayed up a lot of nights with me,” Taehyung says, concluding his little story.
He’s not wrong – you remember that you were ready to sacrifice nights and sleep for him whenever he needed you, guiding him through struggles, hardships and dark days. That is, until your own life began haunting you and forced you to leave your selflessness behind.
To leave him behind and sacrifice your presence in this town to seek your own happiness instead.
Taehyung could’ve been your happiness – if it wasn’t here.
As your eyes droop and you let out another yawn, he looks at you, shaking his head before he shakes you featherlightly and commands, “Don’t fall asleep now. What if we miss a shooting star?”
You sit up straight, rubbing your eyes for a moment as you nod. “Do you remember the night after the tenth grade dance? We came here and it was basically showering shooting stars.”
“Yup,” he answers, your light green dress still tattooed in his brain as if it happened yesterday, “I think we counted around four.”
“Not five?” You lean back again, hugging your torso before you place your head on his shoulder. The gesture comes by surprise, and for a second, he stares at your hair, biting his lips as he resists the urge to wrap his arms around you and keep you in his hug until you feel warm and secure. “I missed this.”
Those things slip out of your mouth carelessly and hit Taehyung with a sharp stab each time you utter them. You don’t know how you affect him with your words; and all of a sudden, holding back his questions doesn’t feel like a possibility anymore.
“Did you? You were gone so long,” he whispers, his gaze wandering to the stars again as the soft voice in the radio sings a ballad unknown to him.
For a moment, you don’t reply, and he fears that you’ve fallen asleep after all. But then, you shift, your head lifting to meet his stare.
Pain again.
His eyes fill with that a lot these days – and no matter how much you try to ignore the agony swimming in his gaze, you know it means something. Something anchored so deep in both your souls that you can’t deny the feelings in your heart anymore.
“You know I had to go. You know this town was killing me inside.”
“I was here.”
Three words. A simple constellation of some of the twenty six existing letters – but the intensity that lies behind them is so obvious that you try to choose your next words as carefully as possible.
“I think you know how much I loved you. But I also thought you understood my reasons for not staying.”
He scoffs, his lips turning into a wry smirk that attempts to convey the feelings he kept hidden for so long. “I think you never realised how much the things you said affected me back then. I understood that you didn’t want to hurt either of us… but leaving? Leaving was worse.”
You don’t know what to answer; don’t know what explanation to throw at him until he acknowledges what you’d felt back then. But you were so sure that he knew how much he’d always meant to you. His doubts in this moment, however, shred every hint of hope you had in the time you were apart.
When you stay silent, he continues, “My dad got sick a while after you left. All the surgeries and hospital bills were too expensive and I had to find two jobs to help–”
“I– I didn’t know about that, Tae, I’m so so–”
Your fingers reach out to settle on his cheek, moving his face to look away from the sky and at you instead. His waterline appears red by now, his expression so frustrated, desperate, that you want to cave in and fall into his chest; but he shakes his head and your palm off his face in response.
“Don’t be sorry. He’s fine now. And that’s not the point I was trying to make.” You wait, allowing him a moment to collect himself. You gaze at the slight dampness under his eyes, right where his mole sits. “It took some time to take back control over our lives again. But not too long for me to wait for you. And if you would’ve waited for me, too, I would’ve left with you.”
“Tae–”
“I would’ve done anything for you.”
He draws a deep, sharp breath as he collects and gathers his thoughts, careful not to let his tears spill that are already threatening to flow. The knot in his throat becomes tighter with each word he lets out into the open.
Yours, however, don’t hold back anymore. Regret boils inside you, but then you remind yourself of everything you had to endure back then. You know even now that you wouldn’t have been able to stay a day longer than you had. Life didn’t permit you to.
“You’re mad,” you conclude, your voice and lips shaking before he shifts closer, wrapping his hand around your cold palm.
Sometimes, when you look at him carefully, you can still see the eighteen year old boy hiding behind his tender, dark eyes that you gave your heart to so long ago.
The one who’d sneak out of his house at night when you needed him. Taehyung, ready to dry your every tear while crying with you, listening to your broken stories for hours on end until you calmed against his chest. The boy who’d adhere to all your wishes, do anything you wanted to do as long as it kept you happy.
Sometimes, he really looks like him again.
“I’m not mad,” he tells you truthfully, his hand squeezing yours tighter. “It was… just so hard to unlove you.”
But then again, did he ever unlove you?
“At least you did,” you admit, the sentence leaving your mouth before you can stop yourself.
His lips part at your sudden confession, the shiver and goosebumps vanishing for a moment as though you’ve lit a torch behind his chest. He looks at you imploringly. You can barely see his face, only one side of it shimmering in the glowing light of the moon and stars – but the way his eyebrows furrow in confusion still doesn’t go unnoticed by you.
His thumb comes up to wipe at your tears as he always used to, and he shifts even closer to you, crowding your space as his eyes wander to your lips. You hate how hard your heart beats against your chest, threatening to burst and rip you apart, your breathing erratic as his palm presses against your cheek.
“Did you ever think about me?” Taehyung questions quietly, your noses merely brushing as he watches your chest rise and fall heavily. He knows his effect on you; knows you still feel the same for him as he does for you.
Dizziness takes your mind captive, your hands balling into fists as you admit, “More than I wanted to.”
With his other hand, he brushes your hair aside, tucking it behind your ear just in time as a song starts playing that you recognise all too well. The same song that you danced to the night before you left, one that you grew up with and sang together so often that it kept reminding you of him, even when he was nothing but a ghost anymore.
And he’s close, so close but still hesitating. He thinks he’s finally gathered enough courage, lips nearly touching and his insides burning before–
You bring up a hand to cup his face, a harmless gesture turning dangerous when the jewel on your finger glitters in the faint light of the moon, right in front of Taehyung’s face as if it’s trying to mock him.
You won’t be his. You’re marrying someone else; a man who relaxes miles away, doing god knows what, soon to be yours – publicity stunt or not.
What was Taehyung thinking?
Instead of kissing you in the same way he’s dreamed of so often, he suddenly backs away, leaving you high and dry, gasping and catching your breath as you let your hands fall into your lap again. All of this feels bitter. All of it tastes like acid on your tongue.
“I’m sorry,” he mutters, eyes closing and his fingers rubbing his aching eyelids.
His face has fallen so hard that you wonder if there’s anything left at all that you could say to mend the pain. Drawing a deep breath, he licks his lips, opening the door on his side before stating in a steadier voice, “Let’s bring you to your hotel, yeah?”
No shooting star appears in the sky tonight.
You enter the hotel with a sickening feeling in your guts.
For one, the drive back was a silent affair. Merely a few words were whispered and light smiles exchanged as you’d sunken into your seat, staring out of the window with the knot in your throat that you couldn’t swallow.
Then, the fact that you’re alone now – standing in the hall of a building filled with people, but still so empty nevertheless. You dread his absence each time you’re together, but you realise just now how being without him brings a loneliness that you should’ve avoided beforehand.
Instead of walking to your room, your idle steps carry you to the hotel bar, slipping the bartender a somewhat big note before leaving to ready yourself for a sleepless, drunk night. The elevator ride stretches endlessly, seemingly moving an inch a minute before you reach your floor, tears already brimming in your eyes as your door comes closer.
But it isn’t until you plummet onto the bed, popping the bottle open, that your body gives way to the first shake of a breakdown. His words still linger in the back of your mind, but his touch affects you worse. The subtle brush of his fingers against your skin and the ghosting of his lips over yours are still so discernible; a burning ache on your face.
Your heart is still shattering further the deeper the thought infiltrates your brain.
The yearning sting is a little too heavy, a little too fresh, and not even the intense taste of the alcohol can wash it away. Instead, your foggy mind falls deeper into the pain until it urges you to lay back down and dial his number, eyes closing as you wait for him to pick up.
He’s probably sleeping, you think. It doesn’t surprise you that the ringing tone continues for a few seconds too long. But then, he finally speaks, his voice groggy, tinted with a slight hint of worry.
“Hello?”
Upon hearing his languid tone, your tears stop for a moment, everything inside you astounded that he sounds even deeper when tired. The last time you listened to him speak like that was five years ago, wrapped in his arms as the tip of his nose ran along your neck.
“Hi, Tae-tae,” you greet, the elementary school nickname slipping out – even to your surprise.
“Hey, are you okay?”
He yawns on the other side of the line, something shifting in the background – presumably caused by him sitting up.
You imagine him with fluffy, dishevelled hair and a pout on his face, the blanket halfway on the ground, because he’s the most chaotic sleeper you know. Humming at the memory, you wipe your hair out of your face, sighing before you answer with a lilt, “Yeah, yeah. I’m doing amazing.”
“Are you… drunk?” He pauses for a second, exhaling audibly before he adds, “It’s four in the morning.”
“Oh, it is?” you wonder, removing your phone from your ear to look at the screen. He’s right. You’ve been drinking this long? Hm – what an unbelievable surprise. “Wow. Am I drunk, uhm… I’m not sure. I think so?”
More shuffling distracts your train of thoughts, his groan indicating that he’s stood up before you inquire, “What are you doing?”
“Driving over.”
“What? Why?”
Your heartbeat increases when you hear the sound of keys – is he going to go out in his pajamas?
“Tae. No.”
“Why are you drunk?” he asks, his worry suddenly turning into mild anger. He sounds as though you’ve done something utterly reckless – which, in all honesty, you have.
You chuckle lightly, the ridiculous contradiction to your dried tears only adding to your amusement as you say, “Stay at home. It’s late and you can’t come over just like that. I’m in a hotel, in my bed, healthy and fine.”
As you hiccup once, you register another nearly silent sigh. You’re stressing him out, it’s obvious to you – just like in old days when you made stupid decisions and forced him to listen to your rambles for hours. But now, it’s too late to apologise or hang up.
You know that the sounds of his keys have stopped, because he’s aware you’re perfectly safe and sound - he wouldn’t risk standing in front of the building for nothing and would never ask you to come out in this state, in this weather and at this time.
“What’s wrong?” he wants to know instead; and within a moment, you falter.
Maybe you shouldn’t have called and maybe you should’ve kept what you were going to say inside. Something in your battered heart whispers that not opening up might help you in the long run, enabling you to let go easier in the end.
Then again, it’s too late for that anyway.
“Tae...” you speak poignantly, your bleeding heart pounding in your throat and your mouth running dry until you feel ready enough to add, “I think you should’ve kissed me today.”
The silence that follows is so pressing and heavy to endure that your eyes begin to sting again. If this one call just ruined everything between you and any day that you would’ve met him again, you’re going to drown in the whole bottle, you’re sure of it. There’s no way you’d get over–
“Why?”
His soothing baritone is merely a soft mumble, and you can’t help but imagine his heart breaking all over again. The same story, same sad song repeating, because you’re too attached to a man who should’ve left your thoughts an eternity ago.
But you’re an idiot. A lovesick fool caught in a web too intertwined and congested to escape. And just like that, combined with the intoxication flowing through your veins, you let the words fall before you’re able to stop yourself.
“Because then I’d at least have one last memory of your lips before I leave.”
Silence returns between you, and you feel the damp trail along your face, tears escaping your eyes yet again as they run down sideways, along your temples and into your hair.
Taehyung, standing and leaning against the wall of his bedroom, holds his phone clutched tightly against his ear, so confused about the feelings that keep emerging. On one hand, you just confessed so blatantly that you’re in the same state of mind as he is; gone but not entirely over him.
But then, the words before I leave weigh on his mind heavily, an indirect reassurance by you that you are, in fact, going to become a distant memory again as soon as your trip is over.
But he’d be damned if he didn’t fight for you this time.
“Hey.”
“Yeah?”
The word tumbles off your tongue in a manner so shaky and broken that you’re happy you don’t have to say more than that. Taehyung collects himself, his posture straightening in the dark room as his teeth worry his lips. Drawing a sharp breath, he forces a smile onto his face; and then, he says–
“Let’s go to the Christmas market together, hm?”
It isn’t until two days after Taehyung’s invitation that you meet him again.
You still remember the little annual village-like market. The Christmas festival is the smallest place in your town, the scent of punch wafting through the air and children screaming at the sight of all the different santas who walk around, ho-ho’ing their way through the market.
The moment he picked you up, a dark red scarf wrapped around his neck and his hair covered in snow, you thought you’d drown in the inevitable awkwardness.
Your last call increasingly occupied your daydreams, your mind painting every possible scenario, ranging from something as harmless as him not even looking into your eyes to the extreme situation of him kissing you.
When neither of the possible situations occur, you sigh – whether out of relief or desperation, you don’t know. He smiles at you as usual, his relaxed demeanour never faltering as you walk around and admire the warm lights glowing all over the place.
“The mall is the only misplaced thing here,” Taehyung remarks, pointing to the lights of the building in the near distance that spell its name.
“Or maybe it’s the market that’s misplaced. Imagine it being on the hill we went to.”
He laughs, shuddering for a second when a cold wind grazes his face. His hands bury in the jacket, and he looks at you to answer, his voice muffled by the material around his neck, “People without cars would have to climb all the way up.”
Like this, you giggle your way through the market, nearly forgetting that your conversation ever happened. You stop to talk to the santas, asking them just how annoying the fake beard must be and how much punch they consume each working night.
In all the time you spend breathing in the festive mood, you notice Taehyung’s attentiveness and care for every little thing you say.
When you detect chocolate glazed strawberries, drooling, he pulls you towards the stall with him. Buys you a big portion that you both consume while talking about the ingenious idea of combining these two types of food.
When you joke about getting drunk on punch, he doesn’t hesitate to share a cup with you, sticking to just that; most likely disabling the risk of letting you pull the same stunt as last time you spoke.
When your eyes move to the stars twinkling above you, stating how fascinated you are by the breathtaking sight, he doesn’t wait long to tell you that you’re so much prettier.
The heat that creeps upon your face is enough to warm you, fingers twitching in your gloves and urging you to reach out for him and intertwine them with his. But instead of giving in to your desire, you take a deep breath, thanking him without properly meeting his eyes.
He still understands. And somewhere, that one stupid spark of hope sneaks its way back, pushing him into the wonderfully deceiving illusion that things could go back to how they were, with you in his arms – even if it’s just one last time.
“One left,” you say, holding the last strawberry in front of his face. But he backs away, shaking his head, hellbent on saving it for you instead, because he knows exactly how much you love it.
“Tae, come on. I had too many.”
“No,” he argues, halting near a small stage that’s most likely reserved for the santas who’ll perform later, delivering a fun dance as they do every day as long as the market stands. “Eat it. I’m full.”
“There’s no way, you just ate two–”
He chuckles at your antics, grabbing your wrist to bring your hand back to your mouth, but you refuse, pressing your lips into a thin line as you stubbornly resist him and his intentions.
“You’re a brat, you know?”
At last, you finally win, and he rolls his eyes at your satisfied smirk as you claim the newly given title proudly.
“Well, that happens when–”
An unfamiliar voice breaks the bubble that only you and Taehyung reside in, nearing softly as the stranger woman chimes, “You two must be the sweetest and prettiest couple I’ve ever seen!”
If there was one thing left to happen to prove your star-crossed love, it was this.
No, not the sentence that she uttered.
More the object she’s pointing at now, her excited eyes looking directly at it as she continues, “Glad to see that young people still believe in old traditions!”
And when you throw your head back to follow her stare, your breath hitches, teeth catching your lower lip as you shake your head. Either conveniently or destined, you’ve landed under a beautiful mistletoe hanging from the branch of a tree, almost invisible at first glance before it’s all you can see.
“Oh! No, no, that’s not right, we–” you start, but the woman is quick to silence you with a laugh.
“Traditions shouldn’t die! And I bet the handsome young man was just waiting for the opportunity. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you.”
And then she winks at you, the occurrence so strange and blatant that you shake your head as she walks away.
You let out a huff, licking your lips as you turn to look at him; and it’s only then that you realise that he observed the whole ordeal from the sidelines – quietly. And when you decode his expression carefully, you see it: the yearning written in his face, eyes lost in you and the sigh he lets out heavy before he steps forward.
Within a few brief moments, one of his hands settles on your waist, the other grabbing your chin softly. Prickles sting in the back of your neck when he pulls you into him in slow motion.
And before even the slightest hint of a whisper can escape your lips, you’re pressed into him and his mouth meets yours – with a thousand explosions, gloriously.
It takes you a moment to fully realise what’s happening; but when you do, your eyelids flutter shut, a quiet hum leaving your throat that he swallows immediately. Your fingers come up to the nape of his neck, slipping under his scarf and giving in to his gentle touch as his mouth moves against yours.
No tongues are involved; your teeth don’t clash.
The kiss remains soft, electrifying, your body buzzing with energy that stops your heart and awakens it back to life simultaneously. The wild beating of it surely speaks volumes to you. You’re certain he’s felt the hammering of it, too as he pulls you closer, his thumb stroking your cheek.
By now, you don’t know how to stop yourself from going down with him. Everything about you two is doomed, dangerous, impossible and bound to end in heartbreak. But under the snowy sky, the cold winter engulfing you, you’re made of snow flurries while he's a blizzard - and you’re entirely weak and defenceless in his arms.
While the kiss lasts for sole seconds, time stretches endlessly, his pillowy soft lips giving you one last peck before they leave yours. His eyes are swimming in affection, and it unleashes intensely – all his prior gazes seem like nothing in comparison.
But it’s the sorrow in them that snaps you back into reality again.
“I’m so sorry,” Taehyung mutters, his cold breath brushing your face as his grip around you loosens.
You can’t respond with more than a small nod. Your mind focuses on not pulling him in again, every fibre of your being holding you back as you feel yourself spiral out of control.
He holds you longer than he kissed you, and he brushes his nose against yours one last time before he lets go. Leaving you in wonder if you would’ve managed to escape his arms voluntarily at all.
His hands travel back into his pockets as he gulps, biting into his lower lip for a short-lived moment before his feet take the route to the exit of the market again.
“I’m sorry,” he says.
Strangely enough, you aren’t.
Taehyung told you that his home is located somewhere between the hotel and the market. When you approach the way back, you already fear the moment of your departure, the usual hideous feeling returning, reminding you that he will be leaving you alone very soon again.
You feel like a hypocrite – because in reality it’s you leaving him, not the other way around. He isn’t going anywhere.
The cold is even frostier when you reach his entrance, the trees fully covered in snow with not one single leaf in sight. Everything about the nature surrounding you reminds you of your love that’s doomed, close to as dead as the leaves are.
Love cannot bloom during a frigid winter.
The temporary romance you’re floating in has an expiry date and you both know it. Perhaps things would have been different in the spring; perhaps the season of love with all its flowery glory would have made you stay and hold on.
And while this thought sounds ridiculous as it is, it makes sense to you in some way or the other – you weren’t engaged back then, no strings and no business holding you back from the man you’re still so undeniably in love with. You know all of this.
But looking at him looking at you like this is too damn painful; you find it hard to let go yet again – especially when he moves closer. He lifts your head with his finger and explores your soul behind your eyes with caution.
His lips form a tender smile laced with a shred of sadness, and when longing festers too long, he whispers, “I know you still love me.”
The hand under your glove is empty; the ring that usually decorates your finger is resting in your suitcase now, hidden under clothes and documents. It’s nearly forgotten as you stand here in front of the love of your life; close, so close.
You inhale deeply, the gulp not steading your shaky voice. Tears form in the corners of your eyes yet again as you confess, “I don’t want him.”
“I know,” he says.
Another step closer.
He’s looking at you as if he fears you might fall apart any moment now.
“Nothing about him and me is real.”
“I know.”
His hands reach out to cup your face, thumbs ready to catch any tear that threatens to spill. You grab his arms tightly, holding onto him as your eternal anchor, your blanket in the cold, your light in the dark.
“I don’t want him,” you whisper again, leaning in closer before a sudden sob leaves your mouth. You don’t stop yourself from crying anymore; let out every single trace of frustration as his touch weakens you after all.
“Tell me what you want,” he demands, his voice so quiet, gentle; the same young voice that spoke naive, genuine promises to you years ago.
You want something you can’t have.
“To be here.”
Something you didn’t think you’d ever want when you left five years ago.
“With you.”
Along with something you’ve never stopped wanting.
Despite any man who crawled his way into your bedroom, you never fully encountered the feeling that the term love defined and consisted of. Although Taehyung has become a distant presence, the memory of him was always more alive than you’ve ever felt – and with this ideal in mind, love soon became a mere noun.
Something that exists; never something you can experience.
“Then stay.”
His voice is hushed, nearly silent and coated in insecurity – but he needs to try anyway.
I can’t.
You’re torn – you know you’re supposed to turn your back, pull out of his reach and face the unforgiving reality. But you don’t. Instead, you let him hold your face, his thumb stroking your cheek, and his eyes impatient – everything reignites the flame that once burned bright and hot for him.
And suddenly, the thin, weak line between right and wrong vanishes.
“Stay.”
With him and his careful words, here and now, every ounce of affection rushes back to you that you cherished long ago. At a time that feels like a different life now. After all these years, Taehyung has yet again managed to turn the noun that ghosted through your mind meaninglessly into a verb; not just love, but loving him.
Loving him yesterday, loving him today, probably loving him forever.
Then stay.
He said this with such ease; and you gave in just as easily.
Perhaps you should regret it and back away as long as you can. But his lips on yours eliminate every thought instantly, his mind drowning in a fever as his arms hold you against him firmly.
The harmless kiss you shared barely an hour ago has long evolved into a heated and passionate one, hums and quiet moans slipping out of his mouth as you seek his tongue eagerly.
You’re already breathless when he pushes you onto his bed, an arm wrapping around your waist as he hovers above you. He wipes the hair out of your face, lips coming down to press soft kisses onto your cheeks as he whispers in between, “I missed this. I missed you so much.”
Who’s going to save you now?
There’s no leaving, no hope to escape the labyrinth that his heart is.
You’ve given up; became a mess as soon as he pulled you into him, entered the apartment with you and kissed you as if you were the only oxygen keeping him alive. As if he’d set the world ablaze for you.
Nothing can save either of you now.
Taehyung explores every spot of your skin as you let your fingers slide into his hair, feeling his head move from your cheeks to your ear. He nibbles your earlobe softly before he shifts his attention to your neck, the touch on your delicate skin drawing an involuntary whine out of you.
And your sounds don’t stop as he moves further, his tongue and teeth working their way along your veins before he starts sucking bruises onto your neck harshly, using your body as his personal canvas.
“Oh- oh god, Tae,” you mumble, not even a real, logical string of words forming in your mind as he lowers himself lightly, his chest ghosting just above yours.
His open mouthed kisses are dipped in an incomprehensible amount of desire. His hands roam your body, fingers finding their way to the hem of your sweater before they pull it up until you lift your torso for him. Detaching his mouth from your neck, he frees you of the clothing, your bra, smoothly unclasped, following shortly.
He eyes your half naked body for a seemingly infinite moment, watching the way your nails dig into his pillow and your chest heaves uncontrollably. He doesn’t notice his mouth is agape until his warm breath grazes his dry lips, his eyes filled with irreversible lust as he asks, “How are you real?”
Because for Taehyung, all of this still appears like a dream.
Not that you’re under him. Neither the fact that he kissed you at all.
But the mere thought that you’re here, in this town, in this area; you, your actual existence and not the illusion that haunted him for years after you left him behind.
In the same moment, your thoughts drift somewhere else, his question fogging your mind and confusion settling in as you wonder the exact same thing. How is it him asking you that? An inquiry he should reflect on each time he looks into the mirror.
“Come closer,” you plead.
As he obliges, your fingers reach out to fiddle with his cotton shirt – as much as the dark green material hugging his body and the rolled up sleeves please your eye, you’re eager to rid him of the clothing.
You shiver when his toned chest comes into view, and you run your fingers along his warm skin softly after throwing the shirt onto the floor, his bicep flexing deliciously.
Taehyung won’t waste any time tonight – and why would he?
He’s waited for you for so long, drowned in hopes that you’d come back and he’d touch you like this again; just like this, just once.
Plush lips latch onto your perked nipple, impatient hands opening your jeans before he pushes them down in one swift motion. His mouth never leaves your breasts as you mewl at the sensitive touch.
Taehyung’s head shoots up, leaving a new trail of kisses along your face as his fingers slide down slowly. They graze the swell of your breasts, pass your belly button, draw soft circles right over the fabric of your panties before they travel further.
He keeps his lips on your face as he settles on the mattress next to you and grips your thigh, spreading your legs and placing one over his own before his hand finds its way back to where you need him the most.
You should be familiar with his tender touches – before you left, you’d done this so many times with him. But apparently not often enough; because in some way, everything he does feels like uncharted territory anyway.
“I never stopped thinking of you,” Taehyung confesses against your skin, his eyes taking in the anticipation in yours when you move your head to face him.
He leans in, biting your lip at the same time as his fingers press into your clothed sex; and you gasp sharply, your every sound letting his body ascend and soar. Your legs shake slightly as he runs his digits up and down your soaked panties, his thumb circling your clit and a heavy sigh escaping his lungs as he starts, “You’re so…”
“I know,” you breathe, the timbre of his voice only helping the cause as your arousal pools further with each movement from his side.
“Tell me what you’re thinking.”
What you’re thinking?
Nothing. It’s so hard to think at all.
Instead, you tell him, “Want you. I want you so bad…”
Swiftly, he shifts your panties to the side, impressed by the way they stick to your dripping cunt. He basks in the feeling that you’re in this state because of his touches. Touches that are so harmless compared to what he’s still going to do to you.
Fingertips caress your swollen nether lips before he starts rubbing between them. As your lewd, inviting sounds echo in his ears, his cock grows impossibly hard under his stretching underwear, and quietly, he whispers, “Like this?”
“Yes… yes,” you utter, words dying in your throat before you can properly utter them. “Yes, like that.”
You try to ignore the questions that float inside your head, wondering where he’s learned all of the light teasing, tender touches and flawless kisses. While being with him like this was heaven on Earth five years ago, too, the moment you drown in right now feels entirely different than any man that tried to please you since then.
But with each step he takes, he reminds you of everything that comes with being intimate with him, everything your innermost self hasn’t forgotten after all: his low, quiet moans when he buries his face in your neck as he does now; the soft, soft kisses leaving a lingering path on your skin; the deep, vibrating groans and movements of his hips as he relishes your pleasure.
His voice became an echo when you went away, fading with time, but always coming back when your heart missed and longed for him too much. Recurring dreams turned into nightmares and sad nightly moods morphed into sleepless nights.
All of these times, you’d never forgotten what he’s trying to remind you of now.
He mumbles your name cautiously; there’s no further word or sentence he needs to say. Just your name on his tongue, just your grip around his shoulders and his hair, fingers tugging at it as an intense shiver runs through his body like a current.
Whenever you think Taehyung’s going to dip his fingers inside, he stops. It’s only when a gravelly plea slips from your tongue that he becomes pliant next to you. While one arm slithers underneath you and holds you close, a large palm wrapping around your tit, he pushes the digits that were fumbling at your entrance inside almost painfully slowly.
“Taehyung, please,” you beg again, your breath stuttering between each syllable and your cunt soaked, sucking him in, “more, please, more.”
His heart leaps at your words and your blissed out expression, indulging in the euphoria that’s inundating his entire body. He’s trying hard to concentrate on controlling himself, but for all he knows, your wiggling in his grip and the bathing of his fingers in your arousal are orgasmic enough for him to drop into near hysteria.
You struggle to hold onto your sanity just as much – in the privacy of your room, you often have a difficult time enjoying your own two digits properly. And now here he is, stretching you with his impossibly long fingers, scissoring motions spreading you for him as your tight pussy takes them in entirely; so, so deeply.
“I can’t wait to taste you, sweetheart,” he mutters into your ear deliciously, words so filthy but his voice laced with saccharine honey.
You’re desperate in his arms as he pumps into you, craving more with each passing, agonising second. But when you whimper, feeling your pussy pulsate from excitement, he lifts his body from your side. Hands leaving your sex entirely, he positions himself between your legs, face descending after pulling your panties off in a haze.
He inhales your scent – looks at your glistening core in admiration for only a moment before his lips pull at your nether ones gently. He repeats the action twice before he flattens his tongue against your pussy. Vibrations of his gruff moans elicit goosebumps along your limbs before he murmurs, “Come on my tongue… yeah?”
Your grip around his hair tightens, and you pull him into you further, the whisper of his name and your eagerness spurring him on endlessly. Ready to devour you whole.
Drinking you up, he wraps his arms around your thighs, keeping them in his grasp as he spreads you wider. You arch your back when he brings his thumb to your bundle of nerves again, rubbing slowly first before he increases his pace gradually.
“Tae, I-”
“I know, baby,” he says, your unsteady breaths and squirming upper body indicating how close you are. “I’ve got you.”
There’s no doubt that he’s pushing you closer to your relief anyway; but the nickname he whispered so carefully only increases the process as a galaxy starts blurring your vision. Everything spins around you as his thumb slows down, helping you ride out your orgasm until your muscles relax.
You’re still breathless when he moves up to you. He doesn’t allow you a break before he kisses you again, and you sigh at the dizzying combined taste of both of you as he removes the last of his clothing, too.
His cock springs out immediately and slaps against his stomach. And while you thought of him in this way multiple times over the course of the last years, you can’t help but gape at the length and thickness, the bulbous head swollen and coloured in a mouthwatering red.
“Baby.” He mutters your name, looking at you attentively and cupping your face in his careful hands. Your eyes meet his shimmering ones, the affection and daze piercing your heart like razor spikes; you struggle to focus. “My love.”
My love.
“Yeah.”
“Will you have me?” Taehyung asks, words so quiet and attentively crafted that you feel your heart drop into your stomach. “Even after all these years?”
But despite your concerns, doubts and fear concerning your future, your head nods yes without a further thought, giving him the satisfaction that he needs as he bites your lip and pulls at it softly.
“I’ve never wanted anyone the way I want you.”
The ancient concept of human language suddenly appears fascinating to you – while words were invented to serve as a means of communication, it’s baffling that just a few of them put together in a simple sentence can make your insides burn like this.
You aren’t sure how far you can go and what you’re allowed to say to show him how much you missed every single bit about him – but without giving him the impression that you’re ready to stay, to turn to ashes in his embrace until the end of time.
But words aren’t enough to express your innermost feelings anyway.
Hands settling on his chest, you push him onto the bed, coming up and straddling him in one smooth motion as you whisper his name again. Mouth meeting his skin, you kiss your way down his body, taking in his unsteady breathing as you tell him truthfully, “You were impossible to forget, Tae.”
Reaching his leaking tip, you don’t suck right away. Kissing down his shaft, you watch his expressions intensify, his teeth catching his lip before he lets out a light laugh and forgets the melancholy for just a moment.
“I didn’t tease you like this.”
“I’m not teasing you,” you admit, your tongue running along his pulsating veins before you add, “I’m committing the moment to memory.”
Taehyung’s head falls back as he closes his eyes. No matter how good your ministrations feel, the sting in his chest is undeniable. Keeps returning – because despite the way your tongue is circling his member, your words sound too much like an ending.
Like this is one of the last few times, an ephemeral get-together that will soon become another aching memory.
He wants to tell you.
Wants to mutter the same words that he promised to you when you were younger, the same words that had caused endless nights and endless crying in the dark. His heart, body and mind yearning for you so intensely that the pain felt like it would never subside.
Right now, however, he tries to empty his head. He brushes away the intruding thoughts as you take him in as much as you can, his cock twitching inside your mouth when you start to move.
You hollow your cheeks, eyes closing as you concentrate on your gag reflex; the precum salty on your tongue but an inviting taste anyway. Eager to drive him to the edge, you bring your hand to the remainder of his cock, pumping along with the movements of your mouth.
“Oh shit, your mouth, what the fuck,” he breathes.
His eyebrows furrow and his nails nearly rip the sheets, and you’re sure he’d come on your tongue, if you continued for long enough.
But when Taehyung glances down, the sight of you becomes too much, keen on having you close again, everything so deeply painful that he digs his fingers into your shoulder. You yelp, setting his cock free in surprise, ready to ask what’s wrong before you spot the longing in his eyes.
The plea written in them is so clear… so soft; and you shift.
Moving up his body, you reposition yourself until your pussy hovers over his cock, so eager for the right type of friction that you don't wait any longer than you have to. You bring the soaked muscle to your hole, pushing yourself down on it slowly until he bottoms out.
Getting used to the burning stretch takes a moment longer than you expected; but when you do, you let out a sigh, reprieve washing over you.
Taehyung loses every fibre of his sanity at the view of your open mouth and closed eyes, your tits squeezed between your arms whose palms you’ve placed on his torso, keeping you upright.
He grabs your hips tightly, fingers boring into your flesh as he lets you move up and down smoothly and confesses, “The way I’ve… I’ve imagined this exact moment a hundred times before…”
His mind spirals as you throw your hair back and keep calling his name. Your walls engulf him perfectly, your tingling skin and his fervent touch making you feel so alive that your pussy clenches and spasms around him.
“Fuck, fuck, I– kiss me,” he says, his order close to begging.
A crease forms between his eyebrows, sweat glistening on his temples. He needs to feel you closer, closer – you’re too fucking far away.
When you lean down, your chest pressing against his, you kiss his cheek first, moaning and gasping against his skin until he places one firm hand at the nape of your neck and pulls you to his lips.
With his fingers in your hair, his tongue meets yours again, teeth clashing and his hips moving on their own accord as he starts to thrust into you from below to meet your actions. You whimper against his soft mouth, your body shaking in his grip that holds you against him solidly.
“Baby,” he whispers, his hot breath moulding with yours as he looks at you with infatuation unmatched – no, with love unmatched. So obviously, so endearingly, so wordlessly with love. “You’re so beautiful… so fucking gorgeous.”
“Tae–”
“You're so perfect, fuck.”
God, you wish you were.
You wish you could be what he wants, stay as he wants you to; actually walk around as the person he admires so much. You want to be so much more for him, someone he actually deserves – but you aren’t, and you’re so scared to burst his bubble.
But maybe it’s enough that you’re perfect in his eyes. Because when he thrusts into you vigorously and you scream his name into the room, his expression fills with an astounding amount of fondness and attachment. His hands grab you and flip you onto your back before you can process the shine in his eyes.
He loves the way you scream his name over and over again. The name that he’s heard thousands and millions of times, suddenly becoming the prettiest melody he’s ever had the privilege to listen to. It’s as if it’s the only word you know; as if it’s the only thing you live for.
“Again,” he whispers above you, his stare so loving, so bittersweet that you feel like you’re melting in his arms. “Say my name again.”
It isn’t hard to oblige when he starts pounding into you, your head bumping lightly against the pillowed headboard and your nails marking his skin as you breathe, “Taehyung…”
“Again.”
And you do. Again and again. How did he go without it for so long?
You keep whispering the same word like a maniac, like a mantra, until it becomes too much, the incessant movements of his hips pulling lewd sounds out of you, echoing from the walls. The name on your tongue reminds you yet again what you missed for so long; what you’ll miss when you’re gone again.
Tears appear in your eyes afresh – god, you’re so sick of crying. All the liquid that has already left you could fill a river by now. And when your moans and wails start sounding too much like heartbreaking sobs, Taehyung looks up, the wetness on your face so different from your sweat as he hears you replace his name with constant apologies.
“I’m sorry,” you say, shaking your head as he stills inside you, “I’m so sorry.”
His hands settle on your cheeks after wiping the damp hair from your face; he doesn’t ask what you’re sorry for, too scared he might hear something he doesn’t want to hear. He’s a fool in love after all, caving in to what you’re giving him now, feeding off your affection as he assigns the duty of dealing with the pain to his future self.
Without any other idea in his mind, he kisses you again before he backs away. “Don’t cry, yeah? Please don’t cry. It’s okay, love. It’s alright.”
Calming you with soft words, his hands press into your face more, thumbs wiping and lips kissing away your tears. His gaze hurts even more now than back when you were eighteen. The breaking and shattering of your heart is fierce, and it feels like nothing can patch you up anymore – not now, not ever.
Taehyung gulps; kisses your forehead softly. His thoughts whirl and spin, but his mouth focuses on your state instead.
“Breathe, baby.”
You hold onto him as you wrap your legs around him tighter, and he presses himself against you entirely as your sweaty skin collides. He fucks into you deeper and harder, his free hand somehow finding its way to your clit and rubbing against it pleasantly.
Soon, his sheets are drenched in your arousal as you come for him again, a scream escaping your throat as you squirt around his cock and wet it along with your thighs. His grip around you remains firm, as if he’s trying to glue your pieces together again.
He whispers sweet praises, new endearments and uplifting words into your ear.
Tells you that you’re okay, that he’s here, that he adores you so, so much.
“You’re my girl,” he states, his hips stuttering by now as he tries to heal you. He wants you to be his… just his. “You’ll always be my girl, yeah?”
Thinking back, you were never anyone’s but his.
When you slapped him in elementary school for drinking your apple juice. When you made fun of his weird braces during lunch in middle school. When you cuddled up to him while watching The Notebook, crying into his chest while he laughed and kissed your hair affectionately.
Always and in every waking moment, you belonged to him, and him only.
This thought might hurt less if you were able to chase this destiny, hold onto what’s meant to be. Maybe someday you can. You don’t know. But right now, all you know is that…
“I’m yours. Always have been.”
He kisses you again, every of his yet unspoken words and feelings transferring into your heart through his lips and their movements. His thrusts are deep but messy by now, his lower body moving in circles; and a moment later, you feel him tremble on top of you.
One deep, resounding moan vocalises against your lips before he pulls his face away, panting next to your ear as he spills inside you eventually.
Taehyung’s face buries in his pillow, your legs and arms still holding him in place as you both focus on breathing, giving your heads time to stop spinning. Apparently, he recovers faster than you when he opts to pull out and move away – but soon, his weight falls back onto yours again when you stop him, whispering, “Just a little longer.”
And so he stays.
Hugs you close, sighing in content, drawing random shapes onto your bare arms until he feels you suffocating under him. He smiles at you, drowning in your touches and silence as he realises that, had he not lifted himself off of you, you wouldn’t have said anything despite his body crushing yours.
His eyes are dreamier than you can fathom, and his gaze holds yours until he lets out a deep exhale that almost sounds and feels… sad.
For one last time, he leans down, eyelids fluttering shut and lips pressing against your forehead so delightfully and fondly that your heart stops for a moment – despite everything you’ve just done.
One more peck follows before he leaves, the emptiness and loss of skin overwhelming enough that you curl into a ball on top of his bed. He soon returns with a towel from the bathroom, helping you clean up before he covers you both in two thick blankets and pulls you into his arms.
Everything happens wordlessly – and for the second time that night, sentences become unnecessary as you drift into a dreamless sleep.
Having him wrapped around you is a dream perfect enough.
The night passes so fast that you almost don’t realise it has ended when you open your eyes again.
Every breath and moment tastes sweet and peaceful as you bask in his embrace, his arms engulfing and warming you despite the cold outside. You look at him until he wakes up again, as though your stare has sent a signal to his unconsciousness.
He doesn’t say anything for a while; only smiles at you, fingertips brushing over your temple and cheek as his eyes trace every spot of your face.
You’re the same.
Time has passed and the pages of his calendar have been ripped out; days and hours and minutes and seconds have vanished so quickly.
But you look the same. Feel the same. Still so warm and beautiful, so full of tenderness and emotions Taehyung never managed to abandon.
Letting out the words he kept inside seems hard. But when he manages to find his voice again, so lost in you, you hold your breath and feel your heart skip a beat or two; and then, he whispers, “I love you. So, so much.”
The bittersweet tone is impossible to miss, and you move closer until your lips touch his faintly, the obvious truth too apparent to deny anymore. And you need to say it – he needs to know.
“I love you, too.”
Simple words; but they feel right. Feel like home. And they’re enough for him to hold onto you tighter than he ever did before.
The last few days you spend in town pass in a blur. You check out from your hotel, making yourself at home in his apartment as you work half of the day and wait for him to come home after his shifts.
To say he showers you in all the affection he can gather and spoil you rotten with everything in his power might be the understatement of the century. His fingers never leave your skin, lips always ghosting over yours, and daily life becomes something that nearly feels like you could actually stay and build a relationship with him that would last a lifetime.
And in his eyes, you deserve all his worship.
Because for him, coming home means the end of his impatience. It’s a rush of glorious emotions, an intense craze over every breath you draw; still, he always wonders what he needs to do to change your mind. While everything between you seems eternal, he knows he has to fight harder to make you stay.
He notices it in the way you avert his gaze when he addresses the future. Any words that suggest your togetherness beyond the next weekend are doomed to die in his throat as soon as you change the topic.
Like that one afternoon when he comes home early, taking off his jacket and shirt before he wraps his arms around you from behind. You’re standing at his desk, the tip of a pen on your lips as you stare at the documents scattered on the table.
He presses a kiss onto your cheek, pulling you into him as you hum in content; melting into his touch. His fingers bring a sensation incredibly new to you, a distraction effective enough to forget all about work and turn around to face him instead.
Soft, rosy lips take yours captive every chance they can, and in this moment, they have you floating, too. He loves the way you always let your fingers wander to the nape of his neck slowly; adores the way you tug at his hair, quiet, harmless sighs falling into his mouth when his tongue touches yours.
Taehyung knows how dangerous promises and hopes are, but he never manages to let them drown when he touches you like this. Without any control, they tumble out, no other thought in his mind but you; even now when he tells you, “I really wish I could hold you forever. Love you like this without ever stopping.”
But you know there’s a definite end – forever is a term too stretched, but he likes to use it anyway. Despite your best efforts to smile his statements away, he’s not an idiot; he sees in your eyes why you never respond to his confessions.
He wonders why you’re still here then, giving him hope and love, nights filled with touches as if you’re trying to provide him a memory he can live by when you’re gone.
And maybe he’s right. Or maybe, you’re just being selfish.
The admissions he whispers into your ear as he hovers above you or pulls you into him are a pain akin to physical torture. It dizzies your mind, but you’re too lost in the moment, too in love with him to give it as much attention as you should.
Similar to when he once lies behind you, waking up after a short night of fooling around – now ready to start all over again. His naked form presses into you, his mouth and tongue working on your shoulder as his fingers circle your clit. You’re a squirming mess in his grip, but he holds you tight, one of your legs tossed over his as he spreads you for him.
“Tae, please,” you whisper, hands clenched into fists and teeth biting into your fingers when you come for the third time just like this. The oversensitivity is palpable – and he hasn’t even slid in himself yet.
“What?” he responds.
He knows what you want, but he loves hearing you say it, loves when you beg for him, show him how much you long for him.
Your fingers reach between your legs, tapping the skin of his thighs for a while until you find what you’re seeking. Your hand wraps around his hard length, bringing it closer to your drenched entrance as you urge him to press himself inside.
“Want you…”
And Taehyung is never one to decline you. He’s lived without you for too long, and the feeling of you so close to him, wanting no one but him, is enough to give in and stop any sort of teasing.
Every time he slides in, just like now, your walls clench around him as if to keep him there, and each time he starts moving, truthful words leave his lips as if on reflex. Words you can’t commit to, but words that put you in ecstasy anyway.
“Don’t want to love anyone but you…” he always says. “No one ever but you.”
In the heat of the moment, in the blur of emotions, he slips into an unknown kind of fear each time. He fucks you with a passion that makes you shiver; urges you to come with pleas that make you love him harder.
Kiss me.
Hold me.
Stay with me.
Things feel perfect with him; like you’re the domestic couple that people would root for – but all the feelings are poignant. His lips might be sweet; but the reality is so sour.
You hold onto this reality without actively protecting yourself from him.
Taehyung ignores this reality, actively trying to fight its outcome.
But three days before your journey back, he loses his composure once and for all, watching you start packing your suitcase as he sits at the edge of his bed and says, “Hey.”
You look up at him, eyebrows rising immediately when you decipher his worried gaze. His head is tilted, his bare, toned chest falling unsteadily. You stand, approaching him before you take a seat on his lap.
Wrapping your arms around his neck, you ask, “What’s wrong?”
“What are you doing?”
He nods towards the suitcase, your eyes following his movement as you bite into your lower lip. You meet his stare again, fingers lightly tugging at his dark hair before you confess, “I’ve been procrastinating, Tae.”
“Procrastinating what?”
Letting go.
You’ve overstayed your welcome in this town, gotten attached to him too much. For the heartbreak that’s to come, no one is to blame but you.
When you don’t answer, he lets out a deep exhale, his hands wandering up to settle on your hips, squeezing lightly. His usually shiny eyes are desperate now, drenched in the ache he doesn’t deserve, and his voice is quiet but clear when he asks, “Are you… you’re really going to leave?”
The word again floats somewhere between your bodies.
You gulp, waiting a second before you feel strong enough to nod. His chest deflates in front of you, a huff escaping him as if he was holding his breath. He wants you to stand, loosens his hands around you, but you pull him closer when you cup his face in your palms.
“Tae, please…” you say, not knowing what you’re begging for; but his angry stare intimidates and scares you enough to repeat your frustration. “Please.”
“Please what?” The volume of his voice grows, and your heart drops. “Why are you here? Why are you doing all of this, if you’re just going to break it again?” He runs his fingers through his hair, legs shifting to finally get rid of your touch, but you stay persistent.
“I’m here, because I love you, I–”
“No,” he interrupts, the negation short but intense, enough to make you flinch. “If you loved me, you wouldn’t let this go and ruin what we have.”
You aren’t trying to ruin anything; he must know. He must, right?
“Fucking tell me all of this didn’t feel real to you. And if that’s not the case, then tell me you don’t love me enough, just… just tell me the fucking truth, because I won’t go through the whole process of getting over you again, I–”
The words falling out of his mouth pause when he lets out a small chuckle, pushing you from his lap and onto the bed next to him softly after removing your hands from his cheeks.
He stands, his palms rubbing his face as he continues, “Fuck, I didn’t even ever get over you, who am I trying to convince?”
He’s still laughing, but the sound of it is fake, forced. And you reckon he’s drifting into some sort of panicked sadness when the laugh shifts into a gut-wrenching sob.
“I just… thinking about you and this situation makes me so fucking sick to my stomach, but I still keep going. I try and try and fucking try in hopes that you’d let me love you, but you won’t. Why not? Why are you doing this to me all over again?”
It’s so frustrating to think that you make him believe you’re doing something to him instead of just flowing with the current that your life has become.
You grab his hand when he comes close enough again, his steps through his room flooding you with nervousness. But instead of halting, he pulls you up to him, placing his palms on your jaw before your shaky voice explains, “I d– I don’t have a life here, Tae, I can’t.”
“Please, baby,” he pleads, tears running down and over his quivering lips. He hates the pain. Hates that you have weaponised his affection for him just to eliminate him with it. “Stay, I’m begging you. I keep giving, but all you do is take, please… stop. I can’t lose you again, okay, I really fucking can’t.”
He sniffles, trying to muster strength, lifting your head after you lower your gaze.
“Don’t you love me? Is that it?”
“I do. You know I do. But Taehyung... I have built a life. I’m- I’m part of a business that I can’t deal with here.”
Soon, you’re crying, too, desperate, because the frustration that has taken over him clouds his head, makes it impossible for him to understand. And everything hurts, because you hate yourself for your choices. The choices you can’t possibly not make.
You want to stay. You want him. God knows you don’t want anything more – but that’s not the realistic route of your life.
“I studied there, and came close to the most important contract, Tae… Staying here makes no sense, baby, please, understand–”
“Why does it not make sense?” He knows exactly why – yet he can’t help but feel his heart splinter into tiny shards, the piercing pieces of it jabbing his lungs incessantly. “I love you. I love you with all my being, and… I never fucking stopped. Why does that not make sense?”
“Because love isn’t always enough, Tae!”
Not enough to overcome the trauma this town has brought you. Not enough to fully heal. The scent and atmosphere of this place are only bearable as long as his touch is here; but past ghosts can only stay away for so long.
He pauses for long, excruciating seconds, blinking at you as your damp eyes hold each other’s state. With all you said and did in the last days, he was so sure that changing your mind was at least an option.
However, while he’s aware of everything your birthplace did to you, he didn’t expect that love wouldn’t suffice for you. That one endless love you’ve been sharing since you were teenagers. Kids.
And knowing that probably hurts the most.
“You know…” he begins, his voice calming down, his mind still in a fog from what you just said. “You know exactly that’s not what you want. You know what you want is here.” One of his hands grabs yours, pulling it up and placing it on his chest, right above his rapidly beating heart. “There won’t be any happiness where you’re going.”
“No… But it isn’t here either.”
And then, he lets go eventually, pressing his lips into a thin line and taking a careful step back. He nods slowly, looking at you for a few more seconds before he turns around, buries his hands in the pockets of his sweatpants and leaves the room.
Shaking and crying, you stand there for what feels like hours, staring at the open suitcase until you shiver from the cold that somehow creeps its way into the apartment through closed windows.
Within a minute, you’ve changed your clothes, slipped into the first pair of jeans and your jacket. As you enter the living room, you see him at one end of the couch, elbows on his legs as they support his weight. His head hangs low; his eyes stare at the carpet.
You walk over to him, grabbing the thick blanket that’s hanging over the couch before you drape it over his naked torso. You run your fingers through his hair softly without him reacting, leaning closer as you inform him, “I’ll go for a walk. I won’t be gone long.”
Taehyung doesn’t say anything; merely closes his eyes at your touch, his head empty of words and his heart filled with pain that’s intense enough to turn into numbness.
A moment later, he is alone.
When you said you wouldn’t be gone long, you lied.
Hours later, he remains alone, no messages and call from you as dusk settles over town. You should be back again by now, and after his initial stupor, Taehyung gets on his feet, walking up and down his living room as fret starts rising in his chest.
It doesn’t help that you’re not picking up his calls, the robotic voice of your mailbox scaring him each time and making him believe that it’s you when in reality, it never is. All the ache tugs at his nerves tonight, and he lets out a scream as he throws the blanket from his shoulders and onto his table, knocking over a glass of water.
“Where are you?” he asks into the emptiness.
His heart races as his mind imagines the worst case scenarios, fingers dialling your number again and again. And when his ringtone finally chimes, he gasps, looking at his screen before squinting at the unfamiliar number. He picks up nonetheless, in hopes it’s you.
But it’s still not.
Instead, a new voice sounds through the speaker, soft, gentle and reassuring as the woman asks if she’s talking to Kim Taehyung. He listens carefully, lets her talk, allows her to explain the situation until his eyes widen and his breath stutters; feet moving to his bedroom momentarily as he dresses after hanging up.
He shouldn’t have let you walk out.
“I shouldn’t have let you go out like that,” he mumbles to himself as he drives through the thankfully lonely streets. His hands have hit the steering wheel so often by now that his skin tingles, his head spinning.
Concentrate. You’re driving. Concentrate.
The same mantra repeats itself as he focuses on the road to the hospital, trying not to miss any green traffic light as he calms himself down.
Relax, Tae. She’s hurt – but alive. Concentrate on breathing.
But despite his constant reassurances, he feels guilty and broken, regretting that he didn’t stop you from leaving; regretting staying silent; hating himself for not having fought harder.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he exclaims, over and over again, wiping away the tears to keep track of the road; but the curses only increase the more he nears the hospital.
Finding a free parking spot is easy, but getting to the department that called him earlier is a headache. Several rides of the elevator and wrong turns later, he reaches an empty hallway, the fluorescent light burning in his reddened eyes as his head frantically snaps around, searching for you.
And at the end of the path, there you are, lonely and shaking, seated on one of the chairs near the vending machine – hurt but alive.
The sprint to you feels endless, even though you’re on the near end of the hallway, just a few feet away. Taehyung is sure he looks like a maniac by now, but no fibre in him can muster any ounce of embarrassment right now.
Your eyes are shut, concentrating on getting rid of the headache, but his voice fully snaps you awake. Before you can take him in, he’s crouching in front of you, hands coming up to cup your face, but halting mid-air. You have a bandage under your cheekbone and one on your forehead, your hand wrapped as you stare at him through tired eyes.
“Tae,” you breathe, your healthy hand settling on the side of his neck, “not sure if I’m imagining it, but… you’re here.”
He grabs your hand in an instant, pressing it between his palms and reassuring, “Of course I am, baby. Of course...”
His eyes inspect your wounds carefully, trying to find out how hurt you actually are before you tell him yourself, “Broken hand. Stitches on my face. And I think I bumped my head against something. There’s no injury, but it hurts.”
Leaving his apartment wasn’t supposed to be a greater affair than taking a refreshing walk in the park near the mall. What you didn’t expect was for your mind to be intruded by thoughts of your current situation so deeply that you didn’t notice the motorbike until it was too late; your form already splayed on the empty street.
The night air was unbearably cold, and you were barely able to see the biker driving away in fear as dizziness took over your body. You’re sure it came from the impact of your head hitting the concrete; and while you’d opted to call Taehyung with your remaining strength, your body gave up and your consciousness slipped.
You explain to him that the doctors informed you about a passerby calling the ambulance for you before bringing you here eventually. Your phone battery had long died when you woke up, and you relied on the nurses as you asked them to call Taehyung and your company as soon as possible.
Fast forward to now, you’re healing from a throbbing head, feeling the effect of the medicine seeping through your body as your breaths steady.
Although the urge to throw up still returns here and there, you try not to worry too much – the doctors told you that the mild effect of the accident would diminish soon; and quite frankly, you were insanely lucky.
“I’m sorry,” Taehyung whispers, his gaze falling onto your lap as his thumb strokes the back of your hand. “I should’ve come with you. Or kept you with me.”
“It’s not your fault, baby,” you tell him, looking at the tears that spill yet again.
He cries so much. Wastes so many feelings, tears and his time. Because of you.
You’re sure he doesn’t feel this way without you around.
Although you’re too exhausted from physical pain and the emotional damage that your thoughts brought you, your eyes burn. You don’t know how – you can’t even focus on crying right now.
“I’m sorry,” he repeats, carefully bringing one hand to your uninjured cheek and brushing your skin with the back of his trembling fingers, “I love you so much.”
About that…
“Tae…” you mutter, leaning into his touch and pressing your fingers into the hand that’s holding yours hard; probably leaving marks, “I need to tell you something.”
He watches your expression change curiously, eyes widening as he waits. Whatever you’re going to announce, judging from your face, it isn’t something he’ll like. He knows; realises that it’s time to prepare to fight his inner battle, accept whatever you have decided.
A deep breath later, you close your eyes, tears escaping before you open them again and tell him, “I called my company. Told them I’m hurt. And…”
Your hand is shaking in his, and he grips it harder, trying to calm you while his own heart thumps and jackhammers against his ribcage.
“And my fiancé is coming to pick me up tomorrow. I… he might be at the airport already. I’ll spend the night here because of this… concussion? I think that’s what it is. And come and get my stuff from yours in the morning and then leave the town on an earlier notice than planned.”
How you managed to say all of this without losing the red string of logic and breaking down, you can’t tell. Even more surprising is the smile that Taehyung gives you afterwards, nodding at you in silence as he swallows the knot of ache in his throat.
“You really do need to leave, right?”
He’s broken like never before.
By now, he feels like his heart has melted into a puddle anyway, not a trace of its fullness left. The beat against his ribs appears false, psychosomatic – what’s hammering inside his chest when his heart has long dissolved in your palms?
You nod your head yes, your whole body shivering as you try to hold in the sobs. Maybe your selfish side expected for him to fight for you some more. Maybe you’re a fool big enough to think that he’ll never give you up, no matter how much you hurt and how often you abandon him.
But still, seeing him nod with you and smile at you stings more than it should.
Because that means you’re officially over, every bit of love you share shattering. Your life feels like a broken record – realities and situations repeat, from your goodbye to his accepting smile that’s too kind-hearted, way more than you deserve.
The same old story as five years ago.
“I wish you could come with me,” you then say, knowing fully well why he can’t.
Taehyung explained it to you already.
With the money he has, he can’t escape this town just yet, and it’s nearly impossible to find a job fast enough to settle with a steady income. It isn’t as if the profession of a tour guide is all that safe.
And he’s told you multiple times that if he was ever to pursue a career in a city like yours, it would be something bigger than this; with his own money, his own effort. You’re well aware he’s never going to accept your help in that case.
“Maybe someday. Maybe I’ll find you again,” he breathes; the soft, hopeful tone of his voice falls with each word.
Maybe. Maybe it’s going to work out one day. Maybe you can be his sometime in the future.
All the recurring maybes.
“If we’re meant to be, we will find each other again,” you utter – that’s how people say things work, right?
Taehyung knows you were meant to be – he’s known it since he’d stared into your shiny eyes so many years ago, looking at him with all the happiness you could gather despite the chaos that your life was. He’d seen that you were his when he’d first kissed you; when you’d left; when he’d met you again – and right now, he sees it, too.
The chance is high that you know as well. But as it seems, you two have fallen victims to the concept of the right person at the wrong time at every turn.
He sniffles, the palm on your face still catching your tears as he leans up until the tips of your noses touch. Gazing into your eyes for a moment, he waits for rejection; but when nothing comes, he presses his mouth onto yours, kissing you gently, tenderly.
Intense affection caused by his slow movements floods you, twirling a storm inside you that refuses to calm down – you know it won’t anytime soon.
And when he pulls back, his face glowing in the bright light and eyes glittering with love that will never burn out, he says, “At least one last memory of my lips before you leave.”
With nothing more left to say, your sobs and gasps fill the air of the narrow hallway, echoing from the wall painfully; and Taehyung lets himself fall onto his knees before his arms wrap around your waist gently.
His cheek presses into your lap, no care left about passing doctors or patients as he remains in this very state, inhaling your scent and closing his eyes when you run your fingers through his hair.
Love has become a noun again.
2 Winters Later
People say time passes by fast when you’re busy.
There is something about physics or alike that makes the rule for time and its speed; apparently, a minute goes by slower for one person than for another.
For you, time is a concept that stopped existing long ago, and now you’re not going through the motions of days anymore but through life. The words written in your calendar are just there, no meaning behind them and no particular urge inside you to make sense of them.
First, it took you frustratingly long to get back into daily life and work as before you had visited and left your childhood home again. Entering the atmosphere of the city, the busy buildings and streets, was so overwhelming that you constantly longed for an empty room again to match the emptiness in your heart.
Despite the tumult around you, the world felt small and lonely, and matching the face of the crowd was the biggest challenge you fought since coming back, considering how you saw him everywhere.
In artworks.
In lyrics.
In novels.
In cafés and restaurants; in the backseat of cars and in vacant alleys. In the eyes of complete strangers.
But life has somewhat settled now. Calmness has returned; the beat of your heart has steadied. Today, in the quiet of the afternoon, you try to use the lunch break to go through some files you’ve neglected for too long.
But when you planned this in the morning, you didn’t expect this one particular appearance of a person that you detect at one of the tables in the big relaxing area. Although the winter is cold, the sun has blessed you today, and he is drenched in the sunlight that seeps through the large windows.
His hair has grown longer now, parted in the middle and combed carefully, giving him a more mature and ridiculously handsome look.
You register a bag in front of him that looks like it could fit a camera – a book beside it that seems like a guide. He’s glancing into it, scanning the open pages.
If time is passing normally for him, it’s standing still for you, and you’re not sure you want it to run again at all.
Gulping, you step closer, his body somehow sensing your presence before he looks up. He takes you in slowly, a neutral expression turning into a sad one before his lips move upwards to a genuine half-smile.
And when you sit down in front of him, he says, “I was hoping to find you here.”
You don’t know if you want to reach for his hand first or lean back. You keep the tears at bay as your chest rises and falls heavier than before, memories flooding your mind. A Christmas market. A room filled with the echoes of your promises. A hospital hallway.
“You were looking for me?”
Taehyung tilts his head, watching you intently, nearly mimicking your expressions as you see his heart soar at the sight of you. You’re not certain what he’s thinking or feeling, but he can feel his insides turn. Every shred of him is breaking and healing; pieces falling apart and coming together; words stuck in his throat and yet threatening to fall out.
He has always been looking for you.
“I was.”
Two years have passed.
Exactly those two years that you told him to wait before you parted. The promise to come together if the time was right and if you belonged together lingers in the air and fulfils itself as he smiles at you now.
You didn’t think he’d remember. Then again, the amicable split between your now ex-husband reached the news fast and relaxed soon again, and since then you’ve been walking around as a free person, searching for something – someone – to fill the void in your heart.
It’s surprising that this existence has walked back into your life again, even though you hurt him one too many times, proving to be someone he doesn’t deserve. Still, he’s here, in all his glory and beauty.
Then again, is he back because of that? Because of you?
“I thought you’d forget about me this time,” you admit, hands coming up to intertwine nervously on the table, your eyes never leaving his hopeful ones.
But unlike you, he breaks the stare, gaze wandering to your fingers instead as he smirks slightly and deduces, “No ring anymore.”
“No ring anymore.”
He admires your glow for a moment, catching his lower lip between his teeth as he realises that age has made you even prettier.
The face he remembers is still there, the smile the same sweet one he’s kissed so many times. You’re truly something formed in heaven, and there is no way, no way in this or the next life, that he could’ve forgotten anything about you, ever.
“It’s easy to keep you in memory,” Taehyung finally says.
More pictures of a distant yesterday fill your brain: the way you relied on him when school and your parents hurt you too much; the warm embrace that scared your fears away until it was the one haunting you; every single word and touch you shared, not just over a decade ago, but even the last time you saw him.
“What’s that?” you ask, pointing to the bag.
You need him to explain why he’s here; it doesn’t matter that you’ve recognised the object for what it is.
“I saved some money in the last two years,” he explains, opening the zip, so you can peek inside, “and now that I have enough, I decided to come here and pursue my dream of becoming a photographer. I mean, I know it’s a risky dream and all, but–”
Something in you becomes brave enough when you suddenly reach out, engulfing his soft hands in your palms as you say, “No, that’s amazing. That’s great, Tae! I’m rooting for you and I’m so, so happy you’re going to do what you love.”
His skin is still so smooth, so soft, inviting. One of his hands escapes to wrap around yours, fingers weirdly entangled and hands sandwiched between each other’s as he rubs his thumb over your wrist.
“Thank you,” he answers.
He dares not say that this isn’t the sole reason he's travelled this far. But then, something in him whispers that he doesn’t need to.
A small blanket of silence wraps around you for a moment, your hands still intertwined in a way that should be awkward. But instead, the gesture feels right – feels like home.
The right person at the wrong time exists – but that doesn’t mean that the relationship is doomed. You're able to realise that now.
“I’m sorry if I’m disturbing you today. I just…” Taehyung begins, his tongue darting out to wet his lips before he continues with a sigh, “Since I know the name of your company, I thought I might come over and spend some time here. You finding me in the crowd was something I was only half expecting, honestly.”
Despite anything and everything that ever happened between you, fate seems to be on your side now – something in this vast, wide universe is proving to you that you belong together after all. Pushing you towards each other. An unspoken law writing you as one in the stars.
He is yours. You are his.
You might’ve waited forever – but this eternity is nothing compared to the one you feel approaching.
“Are you free after work?” he asks, fogging your mind with all the touches his fingers provide you, looking into your eyes expectantly.
Tales are only finished when you decide that they are – as the writer of your own, you influence and twist the plot, work towards the ending until you’re satisfied or not. But an ending feels like an ending after all. And while the one two years ago left the story open and blank, everything right now feels like the beginning of a new one.
Your tale was of broken hearts and incomplete promises; but this time, you won’t let it close like this. This time, you’ll get what you deserve.
“I’m free the whole day after work.”
His warmth in your ultimate proximity is enough to give in to him; not just after work, but for an eternity. You know he’ll give you this comfort as long as you let him – no matter the hurdles.
No matter how cold the outside world gets. No matter how many leaves blossom or die.
But in the end, you both aren’t leaves but people.
And maybe, love can bloom during a frigid winter after all.
literally can’t believe it’s here now and not my little secret anymore <//3 been crying for months. this fic has been with me for almost a year and carries such a huge piece of my soul :(
but aannnnnnnnyway !! if you liked this story, do share your thoughts with me !! what was your favourite part, which one made you happy, sad, think, etc. – come and scream at me (but be respectful ofc) !! :D
and don’t forget to leave feedback !!! i’d appreciate any kind of support (like/comment/review and reblog, so others can see) !! loooooveee uuuu <3
premise: you always thought kim taehyung's lips would taste like chocolate sundaes, but when you learn -through a friend- that he tastes like watermelon chewing gum, the illusion shatters. so does your heart. in time, so will his.
warnings: a lil angsty, big question mark on a happy ending? (it's an ending! i'll give it that much!), short n sweet, mentions of alcohol, clubbing, tae is stupid!, but also not to be blamed (or at least not until the end), insinuation of emotional affair, big regrets, ballroom dancing, no smut and no fluff
wordcount: 1.1k
note from holly: originally written as a submission for my old writing groups monthly prompt - "I wanted it to be you. God damn, I really did." This is ooooooold, but it just felt apt with love me again and rainy days. i also believe it's the oneshot that someone on wattpad commented 'why are the tae ones always so shit' so MAKE OF THAT WHAT YOU WILL! lmaooo.
minors dni // cross posted to wattpad
"Quick, quick, slow. Quick, quick, slow," repeats the familiar shrill of your dance instructor. "Nina, back straight! Namjoon, footwork!"
The village hall you're in is musty, dust particles imitating you as they dance in the sunlight that beams through the wide windows. It's a Saturday morning, and there's no place you'd rather be less. You're dancing with your best friend, Nina, because there are only three boys in your class of twelve.
There's Jimin, the star student; Namjoon, whose mother forced him to attend because she thought it would be good for him; And then there's Taehyung, their best friend.
He's only there because he has nothing better to do when his only buddies are too busy learning the paso-bloody-doble to hang out with him.
It's spring, and school is in full swing. They're growing, and as time lurches forward, they find themselves with less and less chances to enjoy one another's company.
And so Taehyung's shoes tap along the varnished parquet all rather naturally, much to the dismay of Namjoon, who really is trying his very hardest.
"Now! Turn!" Your instructor commands. "And switch!"
You throw Nina a look -one that she gives you right back- which you both understand to mean 'ugh'. Stupid switch you always think, and refrain from rhyming it with how you feel about your instructor.
There's no part of you that wants to hold hands with other random kids from your village as you Cha Cha Cha across the dance floor. You just want to spend time with your best friend.
The same can be said for Taehyung, but when the switch happens, he finds himself dancing with yet another random girl - Nina.
He glances over -checking who he stole her from- and when your eyes meet, he stumbles on his footwork. Nina giggles, and he looks down all bashfully; pink in the cheeks.
When he looks up, he's looking at Nina. She giggles again, and he gets a little shy, but he starts dancing with her like a duck to water. Something about them just seems to... work.
You suppose you should have seen it coming when the next week he asks to dance with Nina again.
At least, that's what you assume he's doing when he approaches the pair of you. She kind of just hops up and drags him away before he even gets a chance to ask.
When they reach an empty spot on the dance floor, Taehyung glances back over to you and purses his lips. His eyes are soft, and so wonderfully brown that you think he must taste like chocolate sundaes on a hot summer's afternoon.
You're fifteen when you watch from the sidelines as rosettes are pinned to their clothes.
Taehyung's in a suit - dark, a little too big for him. His bowtie is green; a congratulations gift from you, given on the night they smashed through regionals.
Nina is in a matching green dress. Pretty, hair pinned back, perfect. Just like always.
The village hall has been swapped for a convention centre in the heart of the big city. They've just won third place. Jimin and his partner snagged first. Namjoon didn't make the top twelve. He tried, though.
You're beaming, outrageously proud of their achievement - but when Taehyung's eyes find yours in the crowd, his smile falters. It softens after a moment, and he nods. You nod back. Smile. Whisper 'well done'. He grins, now, and Nina notices his line of sight on you, so she waves. You wave, too, but you'll tell her well done later.
When you're eighteen, in a bar in the heart of town, Nina tells you that Taehyung tastes like vodka lemonade and watermelon chewing gum. You don't see him that evening. He sends you a text as the sun begins to rise:
'Didn't see you tonight. Missed you tearing up the dancefloor.'
There's a smile on your lips, though you really wish there wasn't. You both know you've got two left feet. It was always Nina's thing.
You send him back a picture of the chocolate sundae you're nursing, and tell him that you hate watermelon.
He doesn't understand, and assumes you're drunk. You kind of are, legs slung over the side of a sitting room chair in your family home.
You mean what you say. Detest watermelon. Loathe it. Had been eating it the day before without a care in the world, but feel sick just thinking about it now.
You've loved the idea of Taehyung tasting like chocolate sundaes since you were a kid - but now you know otherwise.
It's ruined your perception of him.
Although it hasn't really.
Not in the slightest.
For when he shows up at your twenty-first birthday party without a gift, but a bottle of chocolate liqueur instead, you have to fight yet another smile.
"For all those sundaes," he says.
See, it's become a bit of a ritual.
Every time those pretty lips of his end up on Nina's -and he pretends to care about the fact you aren't around- a picture of a chocolate sundae lands in your message thread to him.
He still doesn't understand it.
Though he does smile when he sees them on menus, and he thinks about how much he'd love one whenever summer comes around. He never indulges, mind you.
Never.
Not until a few years later, when it's the only option for dessert in a gilded reception room, back in your hometown.
He doesn't think it's apt. It's autumn, not summer. Far too chilly.
It's been close to two decades since he first saw you dance - and you're still just as shit - but there's something beautiful about it, now. Maybe it's the flowers in your hair. Maybe it's the way you're looking at your groom, pink sunset pouring through the windows, fairy lights glittering above you. Maybe it's your dress.
Or maybe it's the way your eyes catch the light as you glance over towards him. He's holding your bouquet -Nina had palmed it off on him- and he nods. Smiles. The taste of chocolate is bitter in his mouth.
And only now does he really understand.
Because truthfully, he had wanted it to be you in that dreary village hall all those years ago, too.
God damn it, he really had.
Taehyung knows he shouldn't, but when he's had a few too many drinks, and your groom is off entertaining his friends, he sits beside you. You're watching your wedding party from the back of the room with a smile on your face.
When you look at him, you know -finally- he tastes like a chocolate sundae, now. Your smile falters. It's bitter. The sundaes are sweet, you assume. Haven't had one. Won't have one.
"Should've been you," he says so quietly it's almost a whisper.
You hate that you understand what he means. Hate that you nod. Hate that you're thinking about the way he tastes. Hate that your heart beats faster now than it did when you said 'I do.'
➸summary : "The only person who can help you to endure your pain is your soulmate" -But you find it hard to believe that now. Not when he's sitting right across the table from you, his face devoid of any emotion. You think if you really are as strong as you believed.
➸ playlist : carried away(love to love) by surf mesa, madison beer, blue and grey piano cover , bts v - sweet night piano cover
Chapter one
A soulmate is someone whose soul is fated to match your own.
They say that one's soul is only completed when they meet their soulmate. Someone who will accept you with your flaws. Someone who is fated to love you.
"They will help you to endure your pain."
Some legends say that it's like looking at your own reflection. Some legends claim that it's like finding the other half of your soul. Some believe that a piece of our soul is with our soulmates, that when you finally meet, it's like finding your own soul.
Soulmates have always been a startling thing. No one really knows the mystery of our souls. Even after countless studies and researches, people still cannot fathom the real equation of the existence of soulmates. It's something peolple have left on the plans of the universe .
___________________________________________
As long as Kim Taehyung can remember, he has always longed to meet his soulmate.
"They will be able to read you like an open book, Taehyung-ah. They will love you exactly the way you want to be loved." He remembers his grandmother saying this to him, he remembers the way his heart used to ache with longing, with hope.
Taehyung can't remember the exact moment he stopped believing those words. But he remembered when he fell in love for the first time. Remembered the rush of emotions he felt. For him to be in love means being free. Free to love anyone, anywhere. For him, love should be unchained, unbound.
"You fall in love too easily," Jimin stated one day. He knows that. Love comes easily to him. But it also burns him way too easily.
The thing is, he is ready to endure the burn. He is ready to go through the pleasant pain of falling in love again and again. But he can't fall in love under conditions. He can't force his emotions. If he regrets anything, that is how he lost control over some parts of his life, how he is sometimes forced to change things about his life. But he will not force himself to love someone, wouldn't lose control over who he loves. Not to anyone.
___________________________________________
Sometimes you think that you might never belong anywhere.
You don't like lingering in your past. You're way past those old memories. Have made so many good memories to replace them with. Have people who have helped you, made you feel that you belong there. But that doesn't mean you don't feel alone, that you are not enough. No matter how many people are around you, you've always felt alone.
It's not about how people made you feel anymore. It's just how you started to feel somehow. No matter how much time you spend with your family and friends, the loneliness doesn't go away.
"You know it might be because of your soulmate? Sometimes our feelings reflect on our soulmates," Asfan said one day while you were helping him at the animal shelter, "I mean they might be feeling lonely. And that's reflecting on you. Or maybe you are feeling lonely because you haven't met them yet?"
You can't remember the exact moment when you started believing these words. That your soulmate is the person you belong with. They will see you exactly the way you are and still love you. That they will be the only person to whom you will never have to prove that you are enough. You don't believe in love at first sight, don't believe that you can love someone without knowing them. But you believe that your soulmate will want to love you exactly the way you want to love them.
_______________________________
30th December.
The sound of a door opening snaps you out of your haze. You turn your head toward the door, two young girls enter the cafe, their faces stuffed in their scarves. A gush of cold air enters with them. Even though you are sitting in the corner, far away from the door, the cold still hits you, making you shiver.
You found this cafe when you were exploring your new neighborhood. It's tucked into a corner. Most people probably don't know this place is even here. You wouldn't have either if it wasn't for your tendency of exploring every single corner of every neighborhood you've ever lived in.
The cafe is mostly deserted at this time of the day. There's a soft indie song playing on the radio. The anchor on the TV is saying something about the birthday projects of some idols. But you tune all of them off, try to focus on the design on your sketchbook in front of you. A slow, satisfied smile stretches on your face. You nod your head to yourself and close the sketchbook book, put it into your bag, then proceed to pay for your coffee.
You let out a shiver as you step out of the cafe, pulling your coat tightly over your body. Even though the sky is clearer than most days today, you still can't feel your fingertips. The weather has worsened in the few months you've been here. Seoul has its own charm in winter, especially if it's covered with snow.
You start walking toward your apartment, making a mental note to drop by the convenience store again, when your phone buzzes with a text. You pull it out from your pocket. Yung Sung has shared a news article to your group chat, asking if it was still OK to have the photoshoot on the scheduled date. You frown at your phone as you read the whole article. Apparently there's a storm coming the next week in Gangwon-do, exactly the same day as your shooting schedule. Your phone buzzes again, someone said that they were going to talk to the management. You let out a sigh, lips pull into a small pout. You were really looking forward to this shoot.
When you moved to South Korea, you didn't know what to expect. When your boss told you that you were being promoted and transferred to South Korea's headquarters, you were over the moon. All these years of hard work finally paid off. Even though it was a different country, it felt so important to move here, a strange sense was telling you that it's going to be worth it. And the opportunity was great, new experiences, new place, new everything. On top of that, your best friend is here and you missed her so much.
What you didn't expect was the cold unsettling feeling, which feels like it is growing intensely as the days go on.
Entering your apartment, you flick the switch of your hallway. It's been a few months since you moved here. You have finally settled in. You've tried to make the apartment look as homely as possible. But it is still lacking the warmth you feel at your own place back at home, or the familiarity that your parents home provides. It's like the loneliness has intensified ten times more.
You think it's a little embarrassing. You are an adult after all, have been living alone since college. But somehow you feel more lonely after moving here. But it's ok, you think as you get started to prepare your dinner. It's just been a couple of months. It'll be fine. Just have to adjust to being alone in an unknown country.
___________________________________________
"Well, well, well, Happy New Year, kids!!" Kanika exclaims as soon as she opens the door.
You grin at her as she walks toward the table. "Late happy new year," Cameron mutters beside you, not looking up from his laptop.
Kanika rolls her eyes as she leans against the table."It's just been a few days since new year's day, Cameron, don't kill the vibe," Kanika hisses.
"Is there any news about the shooting schedule?" Yung Sung asks Kanika.
"Yeah. They wouldn't postpone it. Said that the storm is supposed to hit in the evening anyway. It's not gonna take long to shoot so we just have to wrap up before the storm hits."
Yung Sung let out a groan. "If we don't finish this project within next week, it will crash with the BTS project. Our meeting with them is in two weeks, remember?" Cameron grumbles, still not looking up from his laptop.
"How can I forget when you keep reminding me every chance you get," Yung Sung grits out, letting out a frustrating sound.
It is safe to say that Cameron and Yung Sung don't get along with each other. Their banters are always the source of entertainment to everyone.
You smirk at Yung Sung and return your attention to your laptop again. You were clicking through your sketches for the 100th time when Kanika interrupted you.
"Hey."
You look up from your laptop. Kanika is smiling down at you. "You want some coffee?" she asked, lifting one eyebrow.
You blink at her. Her face is doing that thing where she is really trying to be subtle about something. You look back at your laptop. You've been watching the same design for an hour now. Trying not to stress about the project but somehow doing exactly that. Your stress might have reflected on your face. Right, she's trying to distract me.
"Yeah, sure." You get up and grab your jacket, following Kanika out of the room.
_______________________________
Kanika puts a cup of coffee in front of you and takes a seat across from you at one of the tables in the canteen area. You grab the cup with both hands, trying to consume as much warmth as possible.
"Honestly, Y/N, you need to stop stressing out about these projects." Kanika is one of the few people with whom you've gotten closer with in these past few months.
"I'm not!" you exclaim. Kanika gives you a pointed look. You don't know if it's because she's your friend or because you're working under her, sometimes she can read you like an open book.
You look down at your coffee. It might have been easier if you could just stop that nagging feeling inside your head.
"Look." You actually look at her, her voice serious."You did a great job. Everyone loved your designs. The project will go smoothly. I know you're worried because it's your first time working on a big project after moving here. But trust me, you got this. Don't let your anxiety knock off your confidence. Ok?"
You can feel your entire face heat up. "Yeah," you murmur. Even though her words somehow comforted you, that doesn't mean you can shove away your anxiety entirely.
"Anyway, how was your new year's eve?" She asked, sipping into her coffee. "Did you go out?"
"No…um…I still had some boxes to unpack."
Lies. You spent that whole night rewatching your favorite old movies. Just so that you can feel some familiarity. But you weren't going to admit that to her. It really doesn't help that you haven't actually made any real friends except for Kanika since you moved here. You do hang out with some of your colleagues, but most of them were probably with families and friends that day, so you didn't want to intrude.
Kanika smiles apologetically. "You know I would've invited you to my place if we were in town, right? I'm really so-"
"Kanika, please don't apologize," you cut her out. "It's ok! I was fine by myself."
No, you weren't. You felt even more lonely, having always spent the day with friends and family.
"Still. It can be depressing spending New Year's day alone."
Kanika was the first person you contacted after you were notified about your promotion. You got her email address from your company's website and emailed her. You informed her about your promotion and that you were really excited to move to South Korea and to work under her. She replied enthusiastically that she was really impressed by your profile and was excited to work with you. You've become close after that. She was the one who helped you find a decent apartment and introduce you to this new city.
You smiled at her. She is right though. There's no point stressing over the project right now. Everything has been going smoothly about the BTS project till now. Even though there's a lot of things that can go wrong, you are sure that everyone will be able to handle that. You just hope your hard work pays off well.
______________________________________
Is it possible to love someone else when your soulmate is around? The girl on the TV asks her crush.
Of course it is. Some people cheat on their soulmate all the time, the same soulmate whom they promised to always love. They fall out of love. They find someone better, someone they connect to more than they do with their soulmates. It's not the 18th century anymore when it was scandalous if you are not with your soulmate. Nowadays people are cautious about who they wanna spend their life with. There are people who are waiting for their soulmate, people who are just friends with their soulmate, people who don't want their soulmate. It's not rare anymore.
You try to focus on the drama that's playing on your TV. The laptop which is resting on your left is displaying an empty bedroom. The girl on the TV is crying, trying to reason with her crush that they can be happy together, when a voice calls out your name from the laptop. You head snaps at it. Asfandiyar's hands are stretched out, giving you the perfect view of his outfit on the screen.
"How about this one?"
You scan him from head to toe. His head is styled perfectly. He is wearing a light grey turtleneck and white slacks. You nod your head and mutter, "Looks good."
He gives you a funny look. "That's it? No 'you look like a gridded pineapple'?"
"Well, you should've told me sooner that my insults inspire you, Asfan." You bat your eyelashes at him. "I would prepare them better next time then."
You watch as he rolls his eyes, going around to put on his watch. You pull a thread from your sweater, trying to cut it out.
"Say hi to Rue for me," you say, a slow sly grin taking over your face. He stills for a moment, looking at you with big eyes. You tilt your head, "Why? Isn't it why you are dressing up so nicely? Because she would be there at the party?"
He looks down, smiling shyly. "What? A man can't even dress up to impress his soulmate now?" he murmurs shyly.
You scrunch your nose,"You're so sappy."
"Well I'm not the one who is single for her soulmate."
"I'm not single because of my soulmate! I just don't have the time to date anymore! And excuse me, you are single too."
"I'm single because my soulmate also doesn't have time to date," He tsks as he grabs his jacket. "She's really your cousin."
"Try to talk to her today. Don't just stare at her, ok?" You laugh out loud.
"Well it's not my fault she is so pretty," He winks at you. You shake your head, whispering, "Whipped ass." Thankfully he didn't catch it.
"When are you leaving for Gangwon-do?" He asks as he puts on his coat.
"This evening." You glance at your watch. It's only 12 at noon right now. You've got plenty of time to relax. You didn't go to your office as you guys were leaving today anyway. Kanika dismissed the project members for today. You take a deep breath. It was honestly getting irritating, the useless stress you are getting. Usually when you are stressed it means you're going to give your hundred percent to your job. Your stress-work was usually your best work.
"Hey."
Your head snaps to your laptop. Asfan moves closer to the screen, his eyes filled with worry. "You okay? You are quieter than usual today."
There's a thing about you that drives all of your friends crazy, that is how little you share your problems with them. You can gently coax out everyone's problems but wouldn't tell them yours until it's too late, either because of the fear of rejection or because of judgment.
You look at Asfan's concerning eyes and almost tell him about your struggles, about that nagging feeling you've been feeling since you moved here. But you stop yourself. There's no point telling him. You didn't want anyone to feel that you are not adjusting here.
You are usually a very calm and happy person, granted that you are always stressed about your work, but optimism runs in your blood. That's why this whole situation is irritating you more, because the more stressed and alone you feel the more depressed you become.
Asfan calls out your name gently again, his head tilted, face showing more concern than before. He has been your friend for years now. You know that he wouldn't judge you. But you didn't want him to worry about you.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine," you force out a laugh,"I'm just tired."
Asfan eyes you with worry. You know he didn't buy your excuse, but still he nods his head. "Get some rest. Tell me how the shooting goes. And be careful."
"Always am. Have fun."
Asfan waves his hand as you disconnect the video call. He was right. You do need some rest. Maybe taking a nap wouldn't be so bad.
___________________________________________
"Fuck, it's so cold," Haneul swears as the two of you make your way to the house. The weather has worsened so much in a few hours that it's almost impossible to step out of the building. You guys move around the crowd of tourists and locals, quickly walking toward the shooting location.
There's a small island in Gangwon-do which is famous for the hanok village. The old traditional houses aka the hanok were matching the traditional vibes of the outfits of the photoshoot. It was originally planned that the shooting would take place in the garden area of the small village. But because of the weather, you guys had to make a last minute change.
"It was a bad idea," you snap as you step inside the house. "We should've canceled the photoshoot." You were getting frustrated as the minutes went by. "Honestly, what was the point if we had to shoot indoors anyways? It was quite obvious we can't shoot outside in this weather," you grit out.
"At least they've let us use the hanok," Haneul says hopefully. The official management team of the village have given you guys permission to shoot inside the hanok.
"And why are there so many people outside? It's kind of dangerous to be out there in this weather," you demand.
"Most of them are locals. They have to open their business every morning, you know," Haneul explains.
Of course you know that. You know you are getting irritated for no reason. You don't know if you should blame it on the headache that you've gotten up with this morning or the fact that your heart keeps jumping every now and then for no reason whatsoever. Guilt consumes your heart, knowing that the way you are lashing on people isn't acceptable. You let out a sigh, trying to get rid of your frustration. Haneul pats your back sympathetically, "Just a few more hours than we'll be safe in our hotel rooms."
Haneul, one of the fashion stylists of your company, is the most optimistic creature you've ever come across.
You two make your way to the center of the house. Most of the people with you are from the production section. The photographer is talking with Yung Sung. In the center the models are getting ready to begin the last bit of the shooting. You can see the stylists in the corner with some other models, trying to fix their outfits. As for the designers, there were just you, Yung Sung and Hwan.
Hwan bows to you when he spots you. You bow back and make your way toward him.
"How's it going?" You ask him.
"If you are talking about the shooting then it's going great. Almost over actually. But if you are talking about the weather then I think I'm gonna die today," Hwan says merrily.
Even though you roll your eyes, there's a playful smile on your face. You look out of the big window, which is giving you the perfect view of the garden outside.
"It's taking longer than we thought it would, the shooting," you mutter, eyeing the dark clouds through the window.
"Yeah. It's like the weather has slowed down everything," Hwan says as he too looks out of the window. "Where did you disappear to by the way? Haneul was gone too," Hwan asks as he sips into his third cup of coffee of today.
"Kanika called. There was a production problem with the BTS project. We were just trying to sort it out. Hey, did you know-"
You stop abruptly and spin around. A shiver runs down your whole body. You frantically look around. You can feel the hair on the back of your neck stand on end. You take a step forward and try to find something that must've caused it.
"What?" Hwan looks at you and then where you are looking.
"What…what was that?"
"What was what?"
"Didn't you feel that?" Your heart has started to beat faster. Your hand automatically goes to your chest, feeling the fast rhythm. "Like…like someone is there?" You swear you felt it. But it's not a presence, not really. It was more like a weird tug.
"Where?" You can hear the confusion in his voice.
"I don't know. Like someone was right here behind me?"
You look at Hwan. He's looking around, eyes big with confusion. "Could it be a ghost? This place is kinda old," He whispers, his eyes are darting toward the whole room comically. His frantic expression somehow eases your internal panic.
You open your mouth to tease him when a staff member of the village comes into the room. He looks troubled, his eyes scanning the whole room. When he spots Chan Soo, your project leader, he makes his way toward him. He reaches Chan Soo and says something to him quietly. Chan Soo looks like he's really trying not to panic.
"Did something happen?" You wonder. Hwan shrugs, looking as confused as you feel.
When the staff member leaves, Chan Soo makes his way toward you guys. When he is closer Hwan asks him, "What's going on?"
"We have to leave. Now. The storm is hitting earlier than they thought. And they -"
"What! But the storm was supposed to hit tonight!" Hwan whines.
"Do you think it's my fault?" Chan Soo snaps hotly. It was clear that he isn't really thrilled about it either. "Anyway, we have to leave now. They are going to force the tourists to leave in a few hours. We have to leave too."
"But we are not done with the shooting yet," you point out.
"It's ok, it'll be enough for now. If it's not then we'll figure it out" Chan Soo says impatiently. "Now, everyone," He addresses everyone loudly and explains the situation.
In the next hour you all are almost ready to leave. Some people are still cleaning up the set up when Chan Soo says,"Why don't you guys go ahead?" Pointing at you, Yung Sung and Haneul. "I'll come with the rest of them. Go."
You guys nod and make your way to the front door. Haneul opens the front door and you are welcome by a gush of cold air. Yung Sung swears under her breath. The sky is covered with dark clouds. The cold is way too much to handle. It looks like the storm will start any minute. But it doesn't faze you at all.
All you can feel is a warm fuzziness. The nagging feeling that has been bugging you for months now intensifies ten times more. Haneul says something about finding the car and takes off.
You look over at the place where people are still gathered, probably trying to get out of here. You feel it again, the sensation making your hair stand on end again. You feel a strange pull, it's like an invisible thread pulling you somewhere.
"Did you feel that?" You ask Yung Sung, feeling the beat of your heart quickening.
"Feel what?"
"That thing," you touch the back of your neck. "Is it because of the storm?"
"What? Are you feeling cold?" Yung Sung asks.
That's when you feel the pull again. You realize that it's coming from the lawn. People are still crowded there, trying to get out or go somewhere safe. You unconsciously take a step toward them, but Yung Sung grabs your hand. "Y/N-ssi, where are you going?"
You shake your head no, murmuring a quiet, "I'll be right back." You start walking toward the lawn. You can hear Yung Sung calling you. But you ignore her.
You quick walk into the middle of the lawn. Your heart is beating way too fast now. Your breaths are coming quickly. You look around almost frantically. People are making their way beside you. Nothing is happening out of sort. Am I going mad? You think to yourself. Has the nagging feeling been a warning that I'm going crazy?
You run your hand through your hair and let out a frustrating breath. You look everywhere again. Something must be wrong, otherwise why would you feel this way? People are giving you funny looks. Of course they are, they can probably see you panicking.
You let out another frustrating breath. Yung Sung might be right, this might be happening because of the storm. You shake your head and start to go over where Yung Sung is.
Two things happen at once. Suddenly there is a booming sound of thunder and you feel a presence from behind you this time. You still for a moment, feeling the quick beating of your heart. For a moment you feel like you are stuck in that place. You take a long breath, close your eyes and try to feel that presence again. There's an overwhelming sensation building inside you. But then you open your eyes, take another long breath and slowly turn around. Your heart is beating painfully now.
You fully turn around and your eyes immediately land on….him. Then you finally meet his eyes.
And Oh.
He can't be more than twenty feet ahead of you. But you can feel his warmth from where you stand. The nagging feeling finally stops and it's like it has melted into your heart. It's like something inside you finally settles. Your heart skips a beat and then starts beating with a new rhythm.
You can't see his face because of his mask. But his eyes. His eyes bore into yours. It's warm. And dark. Like the night sky. His shoulders are tensed. Something warms your heart. It's him. It's finally him. Your soulmate.
The sky breaks and the rain starts pouring. The raindrops are harsh on your skin. The coldness is numbing your surroundings. People are rushing to find a shelter. But all you feel is the warmth.
Neither of you are moving. Your breathing is coming slowly now. You can visibly see him relaxing, as if his breathing is coming to normal too. You cautiously take a step toward him, when someone tries to walk past you and knocks into you. You lose your balance and almost fall over but the stranger grabs your hand to steady you.
"So sorry. Are you OK?" The stranger asks.
You snap out of your haze. You realize that it has started to rain. You nod your head at the stranger, mutter a " fine". You immediately look around where your soulmate was standing. But he is gone. Lost into the crowd.
You panic for a second. You look around, trying to find him. But suddenly someone grabs your arm. You jump at the sudden touch, haven't realized how cold it actually is.
"Y/N-ssi, what are you doing?" Yung Sung asks. She's holding an umbrella over her head. "Come on, our car is here. You can't just run off in the rain!"
And suddenly there's a hand dragging you somewhere. You numbly follow her. Your mind is covered in haziness. You can't function what just happened. Seems like you can't even open your mouth to say something.
It's when you are safely inside the car with everyone else when things start coming back to you. Your breathing hitches, eyes going big, the shock of what happened finally settles into you. All these years when you've been waiting for this moment to happen, waiting for him to show up, but it happened when you least expected it, when meeting him was the least of your worries. Is this what everyone meant when they say that your soulmates will appear at any random moment of your life? That you will feel their presence before you set your eyes upon them?
The panic you were feeling a few moments ago melts into a giddy feeling. You slowly smile to yourself. Things around you have started to clear up a bit. Everyone is talking in hush voices. It's raining so heavily that you can't even see anything outside the car. Someone has draped a jacket on your shoulder, your clothes wet and sticking to your body. You don't need to look into the mirror to know that your hair is a mess.
But all that matters is the happiness you feel right now. You can't help the smile on your face, have to purse your lips to keep the laughter from coming out. You hide your face on your shoulder and look outside the car's window. You wish that you could always remember this moment, that you never forget the moment when you saw those dark eyes for the very first time.
___________________________________________
The rain is pouring more heavily now. Even though the heater is on, the cold doesn't entirely go away. You sit by the window of your hotel room, legs pulled up to your chest, your face rests on your knees. As your emotions are not jumbled up like it was before, you feel calm now.
You've always loved the rain. You don't know what's about it that draws you toward it. Maybe it was the smell of wet earth, or maybe the sound or maybe the cool breeze. But it always had a calming effect on you. A quiet peacefulness.
And of course.
Of course, he showed up when it's raining, you think, letting out a quiet chuckle.
Because clearly if the rain calms you down, then your soulmate will come to you drenched in rain too. It makes so much sense right now. And you are nothing if not hopelessly romantic. So even though it was cliche, way too dramatic even for you, your inner romantic is very happy.
You don't think you'll ever be able to describe how peaceful you feel right now. The pure happiness has warmed up your entire body, making your heart feel soft. And every time you close your eyes, you see those eyes and it's like your heart settles down every time.
You hug your knees closer to yourself and let out a content sigh. You finally understand why it felt so important to move to Seoul.
___________________________________________
The harsh air greets you like a splash of cold water as you step out of the hotel the next morning. You shudder, pulling your scarf more tightly around your neck. It's not raining anymore, but the air is misty. You walk closely behind Yung Sung and Haneul.
If it wasn't for this shitty weather, you would've explored the town. But you guys have to leave for Seoul first thing in the morning.
The three of you make your way toward the car. Yung Sung and Haneul talk animatedly about some upcoming movies. But your eyes scan every face you can find. You didn't get much sleep last night. The excitement and giddiness have kept you awake most of the night. You look at your left, trying to find him.
Chan Soo stands right in front of the car, his hands on his hips. "Get in," he grumbles, clearly not happy about the weather.
Yung Sung and Haneul hurriedly get into the car. But you look back and search the crowd once again. You can't cast out the hope that's blooming inside your heart. You know it's highly unlikely that he's going to be just outside your hotel.
But still.
Chan Soo calls out your name. You look back and he gestures for you to get into the car. You let out a small sigh, nod and make your way to the car, feeling crestfallen.
Misery creeps into your heart, but you quickly put it aside. You know that he will show up again. The hope that has developed into you overnight dims a little, because you might have been wishing that you will see him in the morning.
But you are nothing but optimistic. You take a deep breath, the heaviness that you've felt inside your heart for the past few months is gone now, replaced by pure content.
And as far as finding him again is concerned, as you've met him already, then you will meet him again soon. Right?
Series Summary: They say time heals all wounds, but it's been eight years since you cut each other out of your lives and the pain is still sharp as ever. You were the best of friends, and a whisper of something more, but the future you once dreamed of shattered in the blink of an eye. Thrust back together by a twist of fate, you find yourselves torn between the past and the present as you struggle to pick up the pieces.
Pairing: idol!taehyung x idol!reader
Genre : idol!au (mostly canon-compliant), friends to enemies to idiots to lovers (these two will put you through the ringer), mutual pining, fluff, heavy angst, eventual smut, slow burn
Rating: 18+
Warnings: swearing, alcohol consumption, serious trust issues, physical violence (not with each other), mentions of past sexual abuse and infidelity, explicit sexual content; chapters will have their own warnings!
Schedule: Fall 2022
Taglist: Please comment or send an ask to be added!
a/n: I wrote half of this last year before getting pregnant with my daughter, but have been stalled out since then. I'm hoping that by posting this announcement I'll magically find the motivation to finish this once and for all :)
teaser below the cut
⋘ ──── ∗ ⋅ Taehyung ⋅ ∗ ──── ⋙
When Taehyung’s gaze landed on you, he nearly choked on his martini. The drink - his third of the night - was in clear violation of the personal rule he usually adhered to of having no more than two drinks while at any Big Hit-sponsored events. While his tolerance had improved significantly over the years, he still never wanted to take any chances, knowing how quickly a light buzz can morph into much more if you aren’t careful. Being that one inebriated idiot in a room full of mostly sober people was never a good look, but it was far worse when some of those people were your bosses or, if you were really having a bad day, members of the media.
And yet, there he was, well on his way to legitimate drunkenness.
You must have arrived recently because there was absolutely no way he wouldn’t have spotted you sooner. Your dress was bright red, the same exact shade of red as a stop sign, he couldn’t help but notice. It was form fitting, falling just above the knee, with a sweetheart neckline and halter tie strap. You’d paired it with matching red stilettos and a few simple pieces of silver jewelry. Your hair was up in one of those perfectly messy buns, your lips painted scarlet.
You and the other girls from Red Velvet were on the far side of the room in the middle of a conversation with the guys from TXT. You appeared to be telling some sort of story, having apparently just said something hilarious given the way the guys all threw their heads back in laughter. You were smiling back at them, looking confident and relaxed, elegant yet sexy, truly and utterly stunning.
And, just like that he was annoyed.
You would dress like that tonight, wearing something so eye-catching that it made it virtually impossible for him to not let his gaze linger on your figure every time he stopped staring into the bottom of his glass. You would act so boldly, waltzing in here like you owned the place, talking and laughing with his friends while he sulked alone in the corner. You would be completely unaffected by his presence, that is, if you even noticed he was there.
Watching with narrowed eyes as you leaned in to whisper something into Yeonjun’s ear, his grip on the glass in his hand tightened. You were the reason why he’d broken his two-drink rule within an hour of arriving at the party. In fact, you were the reason why he’d been drinking more and sleeping less and losing his grip entirely these last few months. Since the moment Bang PD told them of the acquisition, he’d been living in a constant state of low-level, but ever-growing anxiety.
He had long ago locked you in a box and thrown away the key, taking all that you once were and never would be and erasing it from his waking mind. You were meant to stay in there forever, but now here you were, crashing back into his life and threatening to ruin everything. Just looking at you was stirring up memories and feelings he hadn’t the slightest clue how to deal with, ones that were still sharp and terrible as ever, even after all this time.
As he took another recklessly large gulp of his drink, he seriously considered making a break for it through the emergency exit behind him. Clearly the two of you would cross paths sooner or later now that you worked for the same company, but he wanted to delay that reunion for as long as humanly possible. Having not had a legitimate conversation with you in almost a decade, he had absolutely no idea what he was going to say to you.
Despite the fact that you were both K-pop idols, and therefore members of a rather small circle, the two of you had done a remarkable job of avoiding one another over the last few years. Belonging to different management companies had certainly helped in that regard, as did the fact that you didn’t share any mutual friends. Although BTS and Red Velvet often attended the same award shows, there were usually so many people there that you didn’t run into each other. On the rare occasions when your groups had been forced to interact on stage or on the red carpet, the two of you had donned your most convincing smiles and pretended to be friendly, casual acquaintances.
The only truly meaningful correspondence you’d had since high school was three years ago when his grandmother died and you sent your condolences in a handwritten letter. It had taken him two days to build up the courage to open it. The instant he started reading, he broke down. There on the page before him, in the same neat handwriting that used to appear on folded notes tucked into his backpack, were the most heartfelt, sorrowful words.
You had met both his grandparents many times when you came with him to visit their farm in Daegu, but you’d always had a special relationship with his grandmother. Having never met either of your own, you said that she filled the hole in your heart by showering you with love and affection as if you were one of her own grandchildren. From the scattered blotches of smeared ink he could tell that you’d cried while writing the letter which absolutely shattered him. He hated it when you cried, especially when he wasn’t there to comfort you.
The letter he wrote in response was five pages long. Into it, he poured his entire soul, telling you how happy he was to hear from you and how much it meant to him that you’d remembered his grandmother. He told you that she always loved you and that she asked about you every single time he called to talk to her, even after you’d stopped speaking to one another. He recounted some of your fondest memories from the farm like that time you got stung by a bee on the tip of your nose and looked like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
He asked about your family, wondering if they still lived in Jeonju and if you were able to see them often. He asked how you’d liked living in New York City and mentioned how impressed he was with your English. He congratulated you on joining Red Velvet, confessing that he’d been following your career closely for the past year and was so proud of how seamlessly you’d filled the role of main vocalist.
And, he told you that he missed you. He told you he missed you so much that it hurt and that he thought about you every single day. He apologized again for the awful things he said to you that fateful day all those years ago, telling you he truly didn’t mean any of it and that he was just sad and scared because you were going to be so far away from him for so long. He said he wished more than anything that you could be a part of his life again. He left his phone number and all but begged you to contact him before signing the letter, ‘Love Tae’.
But, you never did.
You never wrote back. You never texted. You never called.
Deep down, he had been holding out hope that you would come back to him one day, but your silence made him realize that was nothing more than wishful thinking. You had written out of respect for his grandmother, nothing more. You had moved on and carved out a new life for yourself, one in which he did not have a place.
You were no longer his best friend. You were no longer his princess. You were no longer his anything.
