Flaca, Fea y Chismosa
based on this request by @wine-drunk-on-elizabeth. Thank you for the prompt idea beautiful 😘 hope you like it!
The first Spanish word Serena had ever learned was chisme. It meant gossip and Serena had made sure to learn it and all of its derivatives. Chismear meant 'to gossip', chismosa was 'a gossip' and Serena had made sure not only to learn their meanings but also to pronounce them almost flawlessly. Her Spanish was nowhere near Charlie’s or Olivia’s for that matter but what she did know she knew well, and she prided herself in that.
So when Kyle had revealed two new words that she’d never heard before, she knew she had to master them because there was no way Kyle’s knowledge of the language could surpass hers.
“Soy fea, flaca y chismosa,” she murmured under her breath as she walked into the house, humming when the smell of baking wafted out of the kitchen. Jamie had been watching The Great British Baking Show and had been baking all kinds of pastries, breads and cookies for weeks and she was excited to see what was waiting for her today. “Baby, I’m home!”
“Hey preciosa, come taste this!” Jamie called out, making Serena smile as she slipped out of her heels and padded towards the sound of her wife tinkering in their kitchen.
“Something smells delicious,” she said as she walked in, the smell of freshly baked bread hitting her straight away. She could also smell bacon and “Is that cheese?”
Jamie grinned, handing her a plate with a fancy looking sandwich on it. “It is. I’ve been baking bread all morning and made one of my grown-up grilled cheeses,” her wife explained proudly, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. “Enjoy.”
“I knew it was a good idea to keep you around Jamieson,” Serena teased, kissing her again before hopping onto one of their barstools and biting into her sandwich, noting with a soft hum of approval that Jamie had used gouda. After swallowing her bite she smiled at Jamie and asked “Hey baby, do you think I’m fea, flaca y chismosa?”
“I absolutely do not,” Jamie said with a slightly affronted look on her face, before she grew pensive. “Well… the last one yeah, but definitely not the first two.”
“Oh, so I’m a gossip but I’m not smart and sexy?” Serena asked, dropping her sandwich and crossing her arms over her chest. She’d never felt more offended. “What the hell Jamieson.”
“Baby,” Jamie said with a small chuckle and a slight shake of her head. “Who told you that flaca y fea meant smart and sexy?”
Serena paused, eyes narrowing slightly. “Kyle did…”
Jamie sighed and shook her head, rubbing the back of her neck. “Then it’ll come as no surprise to you that those words definitely do not mean what he told you they mean.”
Serena felt her face heat and she immediately started thinking of ways to torture and kill her brother. “What do they mean?” she asked, hearing the sharpness of her own voice and immediately catching the slight worry in Jamie’s gaze.
“Babe-”
“What do they mean Jamieson,” she asked again.
Jamie sighed and shook her head. “Flaca means skinny… and fea means ugly.”
Serena internally facepalmed because of course Kyle wouldn’t have taught her something that she could use to compliment herself. Looking at the counter for a moment, she smiled up at Jamie, kissing her before sliding off of the stool. “I’ll be right back.”
“Ser don’t murder him please, at least not before dinner,” Jamie replied with a small grin, though Serena watched with slight amusement when Jamie snatched up the knife that was on the counter and set it out of her reach. “Who said anything about murdering anyone?” she asked calmly.
“Why are you acting like I don’t know you?” Jamie replied with a laugh, pulling her close. “I know when you’re out for blood, babe. You get that crazy look in your eye.”
“He deserves to die Jamieson,” Serena said with a shrug. “It’ll be fine, he’s lived a full life.”
Jamie laughed again, shaking her head. “Where the hell are we gonna put the body?” Serena grinned, pressing closer to her wife and looking up at her. “That’s the fun part. The possibilities are endless really.”
“I both love you and fear you.”
“And I’m ok with that.”
They shared another kiss and Jamie hummed as they pulled apart. “I can always teach you something else you could use to get back at him, you know.”
Serena pouted. “Murder is so much more fun.”
“I know baby, it really is. But, I’ll tell you my plan first and then you can decide if you’d like to finally murder your brother.”
Serena thought for a moment before deciding that she could at least finish her sandwich while she listened to Jamie’s plan. Hopping back onto the barstool, she took another bite out of the grilled cheese. “Alright Jamieson, let's hear it.”
Jamie’s brilliant plan involved ruining the date Kyle had that evening. The girl that had agreed to go out with Kyle happened to be a regular at the salon and Jamie knew that she spoke Spanish. “Kyle asked me to teach him something to impress her,” Jamie explained as they ate. “I could teach him something… that would earn him two tight slaps if he executes it with his little half smile routine he likes to do.”
“What are you going to teach him?” Serena asked excitedly, loving the slight smirk on Jamie’s face as she pulled her phone out of her pocket. She leaned forward, resting her chin in her palm. “You’re really sexy when you’re being devious with me.”
Jamie’s smirk grew as she typed, glancing up to shoot Serena a wink before handing her phone over, the text she’d sent to Kyle reading:
“I’ve got just the thing to impress your girl, worked all the time when I used it. You’ve got to deliver it with a smile and a little lean… and say: ‘Soy un pendejo, y tu una mensa por haber salido conmigo.’ It’s how you say you’re excited for the date with such a gorgeous girl. Get the execution right and you’ll have her swooning, guaranteed.”
“What is he going to say to her?” Serena asked, feeling giddy as she reread the message and saw Kyle’s excited and grateful response come in.
Jamie shrugged. “He’s saying “I’m an asshole, and you’re an idiot for coming out with me”. Nothing too explicit but it definitely won’t get him what he’s expecting to get tonight.”
Serena grinned, setting down the phone and wrapping her arms around Jamie’s neck. “Wanna see what you’re getting tonight?” she murmured, grinning at Jamie’s quick “yes, please” before laughing as she was carried out of the kitchen and off into their bedroom.
Many hours later, Serena was lounging in bed, smiling when Jamie walked back into the room, wine bottle in one hand, phone in the other.
“I’ve got 7 missed calls from your brother,” she said with a chuckle, setting their wine on the night table before climbing back into bed. “Would you like to do the honors or shall I?” Jamie asked, holding out the phone. Serena grabbed it, allowing Jamie to pull her into a spooning position as she called Kyle back.
“Jamie what the hell?!”
“Good evening Kylena,” Serena greeted warmly, not able to wipe the grin off of her face. “How did your date go?”
“I should’ve known. I should’ve known it was you. She threw her drink in my face and told me to fuck off.”
“Damn, I wonder if someone recorded it,” Serena said with a sigh. “I hate when I miss the momentous occasions in your life Kyle I really do.”
“I know Jamie helped you do this.”
“You called my wife ugly Kyle,” Jamie called from behind Serena, squeezing her waist and kissing her shoulder before snuggling close again.
“You should really be thanking her,” Serena continued. “She saved your life.”
“You’re welcome!” Jamie called out with a small laugh.
“I hate you both.”
“Love you too!” they called out in unison before Serena hung up, tossing the phone onto the bed before rolling over to face Jamie. “Revenge is so, so sweet.”
Jamie grinned and pressed closer, kissing Serena before rolling her onto her back. “We should celebrate your victory…”
“And how… do you propose we do that?” Serena asked, cradling Jamie’s hips between her knees as they kissed again, her fingers running up and down Jamie’s back. She moaned softly as she felt Jamie press closer, the heat building between them again.
“Spread those legs baby, and I’ll show you.”
